Signs of a dangerous man with whom it is advisable not to build a relationship. Psychological characteristics of men capable of cruelty

...I don't understand what went wrong. We were so close.
“I don’t know if something was wrong in him or in me.”
“He’s really attentive to me.” He wants us to be together every second.
– My friends complain that they have completely stopped seeing me.
“The Garden of Eden” is what I call the beginning of a relationship with an abusive man. For the first few weeks, months - and even longer - a woman has her head in the clouds. Remember Kristen and Mauri we met in Chapter 1? Mauri was dazzling - funny, interesting, energetic - and Kristen was smitten. What she liked most about him was that he was crazy about her. He sought her greedily, it seemed that he liked absolutely everything about her and could not get enough of her. She felt like she was in the top 40 love songs, where “everything turned blue and green.” This pattern of events is typical in abusive relationships. An abusive man is often unusually nice at the beginning of a relationship and can make you feel very special and chosen—like you're the only one in the world who has ever meant that much to him.
But not every abusive man rushes headlong into a relationship like Mauri. Fran (see Chapter 1) was quiet and withdrawn at first, and Barbara wooed him. She was attracted to his softness and sensitivity, as well as the exciting challenge of getting him to open up. What a triumph it was when she finally achieved it! Sadness and mistrust were eating away at his heart, and she saw it, but she also saw herself - healing him, like a caring sister of mercy. She was happy in her confidence that she could bring to light the real person he was capable of becoming.
An idyllic beginning characterizes almost all abusive relationships. How else would abusive men find partners in the first place? Women are not stupid. If you go to a restaurant on a whirlwind first date and after dessert a man calls you a “selfish bitch” and throws a glass of water across the room, you wouldn’t say to him, “Hey, what about next weekend?” You definitely need a hook. Very few women hate themselves so much that they will date a man who is rude on the first date, although they may feel terrible about themselves later, when the abusive man has had time to destroy their self-esteem step by step.
The power of those wonderful first days
My clients' partners have told me about the many ways they can turn the bright start of a relationship with an abusive man into a trap for the woman. In particular:
* Like any person in love, she told everyone close to her what a wonderful guy he was. Having praised him, the woman is embarrassed to talk about his mistreatment of her, so she keeps it to herself for a long time.
* She believes that his cruelty is due to some kind of disturbance in him - what other conclusion can she come to, especially since he was so wonderful in the beginning! – so she goes off trying to figure out what happened.
* She has a hard time letting go of her own dream because she thought she had found a great man.
* She can't stop thinking that she herself did something wrong or that she has some serious personality flaw that destroyed their castle in the air, so she tries to find the problem in herself.
QUESTION 7: WHEN A RELATIONSHIP JUST BEGINS AND HE IS STILL SO NICE, DOES HE ALREADY PLAN TO BE CRUEL LATER? The question I hear most often is: when an abusive man is so charming, is he already thinking about how he will abuse her? Is he planning all this? Is he intentionally putting her on an emotional hook so he can be rude to her later? Usually not. An abusive man does not picture himself yelling at a woman, humiliating her, or throwing heavy objects at her. Falling in love, he, like a woman, dreams of family paradise.
Then what is going on in his brain? Firstly, he looks with lust at the future, where a woman satisfies all his needs, so beautiful and sexy at any time of the day or night, where she has no needs of her own, and she bows to his intelligence and charm. He longs for a woman who will serve him, who will never complain - no matter what he does - and who will darken his life with her disappointment or dissatisfaction with her own life.
The abusive man does not reveal these selfish fantasies to his new partner. Yes, in many ways he himself is not aware of them. Therefore, she has no way of knowing that he is looking for a servant rather than a partner. In fact, during dating, the abusive person typically uses the language of reciprocity:
- We are very suitable for each other.
– I want to be with you all the time.
“I’m ready to do anything for you.”
“Now you can quit your job to finish your studies, and we will live on my money.”
– I will help you prepare for the exam so that you can get this position.
He may sincerely believe in his promises because he wants to see himself as a generous and caring partner. Later, when he begins to control a woman and use her for his own purposes, he will find ways to convince himself that being generous and caring is impossible or that it is her fault that he cannot be like that. His goal is not cruelty, but control, to which he believes he has a legal right.
On the other hand, a certain number of my clients are deliberately manipulative from the very beginning. These types of people smile knowingly at me, implying that every man uses the same tricks, and say: “Of course you have to charm the ladies and listen to them talk - they like it. You have a pleasant conversation, you invite them to dance. You know how it's done." But even such people usually do not consider the possibility of using cruelty against a woman in the future. Using their charm, they create the type of relationship they want and expect to continue in the same spirit indefinitely. Abusive individuals of this type perceive manipulation as worthy remedy, but do not consider degrading remarks or physical intimidation as such. When they later start to trash the woman or instill fear in her, they will blame her for it. Thus, they may consider her a “bitch” for not allowing them to lie and manipulate her for their own purposes. And they don't consider manipulation cruelty.
An abusive man is neither a monster nor a victim.
We've finally come to two of the most important concepts regarding abusive men. Firstly:
...An abusive man is a person, not an evil monster, but he has a very complex and destructive problem that should not be underestimated.
The common stereotype that an abusive man is an evil, calculating monster makes it difficult to recognize the problem. A woman tends to think: he cares about me, and he has the good side; he has feelings, he is not a sadist - not realizing that having all these qualities does not guarantee her from abuse.
At the other end of the spectrum we find an equally common - and equally incorrect - belief: the cruel man's subtle nature is only covered with a veneer of cruelty, it can be changed by love, sympathy and understanding. One morning he will wake up and realize how harmful his behavior has been and will renounce cruelty, especially if there is love with him kind woman. This view is supported by songs, films, novels and TV series. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to bring about change in an abusive personality. The abuser has buried his compassion deep to avoid the innate rejection that a human being experiences when seeing another suffer. He must hold fast to his justifications and rationales for his actions, develop the destructive ability to isolate himself from the pain he causes, and learn to enjoy power and control over a woman. It is unrealistic to expect such a complex structure, which took 15–20 years to form, to disappear like smoke. However, women are often pressured by friends, family and professionals to “give him a chance to change” or “have a little faith in people.”
Second most important concept:
...The behavior of an abusive person is largely conscious - he acts on purpose rather than by circumstance or loss of control, but the thinking that underlies his behavior and drives his actions is largely unconscious.
An abusive man learns manipulative or controlling behavior from a young age (see Chapter 13). As an adult, he integrates manipulative behavior at such a deep level that he acts mostly automatically. He knows what he's doing, but doesn't necessarily understand why. Here's what Kelsey, the partner of one of my clients, told me:
...Lance invited me to go skiing, and I wanted to sit with my friends. I refused, and he said that I didn’t become a good skier because I didn’t do it regularly, that I didn’t want to work, that I was lazy and therefore couldn’t do anything well, and so on... It was terrible... But maybe I Am I really lazy?
Was Lance really worried about Kelsey "going down"? No. A man does not destroy his partner's self-esteem if he wants to help her. The real reason is what Lance wants for himself: he wants Kelsey to keep him company. He is outraged by her decision to do friendly relations the center of his life - a common thing for an abusive man - and he is sure that she must be close and focus only on him. He crushed her in every way to force her to go with him (and he made her doubt herself!). In the next session, when some members of the group doubted Lance's sincerity, his real motives and psychological attitudes became apparent: A large part of my work as a counselor is to help abusive men face the real reasons for choosing their own actions.
First warning signs
When women hear about how charming an abusive man can be (or experience it themselves), they are left at a complete loss. They ask, “So there is no way to escape an abusive relationship? How do I know what to expect from my boyfriend? Fortunately, most abusive men give warning signs before their abuse reaches full speed. Every girl should know these signals.
QUESTION 8: HOW DO I KNOW IF THE MAN I'M DATING IS BECOME VIOLENT? The following warning flags mean violence is on the horizon, or perhaps just around the corner:
* He speaks disrespectfully about his previous partner.
Some anger and resentment towards your ex is normal, but be wary of those who are too focused on their resentment and those who start talking about it inappropriately early on dates. Be especially alert to men who talk about women from their past in a disparaging or arrogant manner, or who identify themselves as victims of violence by women. Be wary if he says his "ex" made a false accusation of abuse: the vast majority of abuse reports are true. After hearing that another woman thinks he is abusive, find a way to get her perspective on the situation. Even if you don’t believe her, you’ll at least know what to watch out for – just in case. Also be attentive to men who admit to abuse of former partners, but insist that these were the circumstances, blame women, or cite alcohol or their own immaturity as the cause.

Be wary of men who say you're different from other women they've dated, that you're the first one to treat him well, or that other women didn't understand him. You will be tempted to redouble your efforts to prove to him that you are completely different from “others” - and you already have one foot in the trap. It won't be long before he declares that you are "just like everyone else." His perceptual system ensures that no woman can be good if she is in a relationship with him.
Some men have the exact opposite approach: they elevate and glorify their past partners so that you feel like you're not their competition. If he complains that you are not as sexy, athletic, economical or successful as those who came before you, I can assure you that you will not be valued any more later, no matter how hard you try. He wants to feel superior to you so that he can always be in control.
Pay attention to whether he accepts any responsibility for what led to the collapse of the previous relationship. If everything was always the woman's fault, you will soon also be blamed for all the problems he has in your relationship.
* He disrespects you.
Disrespect is the soil on which cruelty grows. If a man humiliates you or despises your opinion, if he is rude to you in front of strangers, or speaks with sarcasm, he is demonstrating disrespect. If this behavior is repeated or if he defends it when you complain about it, control and cruelty are in your near future. Disrespect can also take the form of idealization, putting you on a pedestal as ideal woman or goddess. At the same time, you are treated like, say, an expensive porcelain vase. A man who worships you in this manner does not see you. He sees his own fantasy, and when you fail to live up to it, he can become disgusting. So, there may be little difference between a man who talks down to you and one who builds you up. Both demonstrate an inability to see you as a real person, which does not bode well.
* He does favors for you that you don't want or displays ostentatious generosity that makes you feel uncomfortable.
These could be signs that a man is trying to make you feel like you are in his debt. My client Alan, for example, spent a lot of time in the first two years of his life with Tori helping her brother fix his car, her sister renovating her apartment, and also taking her father to doctors. When Tori's family began to worry about Alan's treatment of her, he was able to convince her that her loved ones were taking advantage of him, and now that "they no longer need my help, they want me out of the way so they can have you back." . Alan managed to make Tori feel sympathy for himself and thereby drive a wedge between her and her family. For a long time Tori could not discern these manipulations.
Robert combined these two warning signs: He told Lana that his ex-wife falsely accused him of physical abuse in order to prevent him from seeing his children. He said: “If a woman asks for supervised visits from her father, the court gives her this right automatically.” Lana's heart went out to Robert. But something made her worry. Firstly, one day Robert called after a snowfall and offered to clear the driveway from the garage. She replied: “No, please don’t,” because she was not sure of the seriousness of her feelings and did not want to give him hope. Returning from work that day, she saw a cleared path. Then, by coincidence, Lana's friend was divorcing her abusive husband, and Lana learned from her that the court required serious evidence of physical abuse in order to decide whether a father would provide supervision for visitation. She began to think seriously about what Robert's ex-wife might tell her.
*He is in control.
At first, you may find it extremely pleasant to be around a man who takes responsibility for making decisions. Here is a typical story from the partner of one of my clients:
...The first dates were exciting and fun. He came to me with plans for the whole evening: “We’ll go to Parker House for a drink, then we’ll have dinner at a Chinese restaurant, and then I bought tickets to a comedy club.” Everything went according to plan. At first I liked the way he planned our leisure time. But then I began to notice that he rarely pays attention to what I would like to do. We continued to go with him to places he liked to go, such as hockey. I'm not against hockey, but it's not my main interest. After a few months, he started getting irritated when I wasn't in the mood to do what he wanted.
Control usually begins unnoticed. He makes comments about your clothes or appearance (too sexy or not sexy enough). Speaks somewhat negatively about your family or one of your friends. Starts pressuring you to spend more time with him, or to quit your job, or to find a job that pays more. Begins to give too much advice about organizing your life and shows signs of impatience if you do not follow his recommendations. Or he shows concern because you do not share his tastes in everything.
* He exhibits a possessive attitude.
Jealous behavior is one of the surest signs that cruelty is approaching you. Possessiveness masquerades as love. A man might say, “I'm sorry I freaked out when I saw you talking to your ex-boyfriend, but I've never been this crazy about a woman before. The thought of another man next to you is unbearable.” He might call five times a day to check on you, or insist that you spend every evening with him. His feelings for you are probably really strong, but that's not why he wants constant contact. He watches over you, essentially making you his property. Depending on the type of friends he has, he may also be trying to impress them with the way he holds you. All these actions come from possessiveness, not from love.
Jealousy and jealous behavior are not the same thing. A man with internal insecurities may actually feel anxious about your interactions with other men, especially former partner, and may want reassurance from you. But if his behavior indicates an expectation that you will give up your own freedom to appease his jealousy, you are at risk of abusive control. Your life shouldn't change because of his insecurities.
Jealousy can be flattering. It's nice to feel that he is madly in love with you, that he wants you so much. But a man can go crazy about you without being jealous. A possessive attitude suggests that he loves you not as an independent person, but rather as a protected treasure. Over time, you will begin to suffocate from his boundless vigilance.
* He is never to blame for anything.
He blames something or someone for everything that goes wrong. Over time, his accusations are increasingly directed at you. Men of this type also tend to make promises that they do not keep. He constantly comes up with a stream of excuses for why he upset you or behaved irresponsibly, and is likely to exploit you economically.
* He is self-centered.
In the first few months of a relationship, an abuser's self-absorption may not always be obvious, but there are symptoms you may notice. You should be wary if he talks more than the rules allow and chronically turns the topic of conversation onto himself. Egocentrism is very difficult to change, its roots go either to a deep-seated position of high entitlement (for abusive individuals), or to severe childhood emotional trauma (for non-abusive individuals), or both (for narcissistic abusive individuals).
* He abuses drugs or alcohol.
Be especially careful if he is pressuring you to drink alcohol or take drugs with him. Substances alone do not cause abuse, but the two often go hand in hand. He may hook you into believing that you will help him get clean and sober: alcoholics and drug addicts are always in a state of “I’m going to quit.”
* He puts pressure on you to have sex.
This is of great importance, but especially in the case of teenagers and young men. Disrespect for your desires and feelings regarding sex indicates exploitative tendencies, which are often accompanied by abuse. This is also a sign that he sees women as sexual objects rather than people. If he insists on sex as proof of your love, let him go.
*He moves on too quickly serious relationship.
Since so many men are so afraid of commitment, a woman may be relieved to find a partner who isn't afraid to talk about family. But be wary if he starts planning a future together too quickly, without giving himself time to get to know you better and become closer. This may mean that he wants to quickly pack you up and hide you in his closet. Slow things down. If he doesn't respect your wishes, you'll probably have trouble ahead.
* He bullies you when he's angry.
Bullying, when unintentional, is a sign that emotional abuse is in the pipeline - or has already begun - and that physical abuse may eventually follow. Any of the following should raise your alarm:
He gets too close to you when he's angry, puts his fingers on your face, pokes you, pushes you, blocks your path, or holds you back.
He tells you he's just "trying to get you to listen."
He raises his fist, looms over you, yells at you, or does any other action that makes you flinch or feel afraid.
He makes hints like: "Don't make me angry" or "You don't know who you're messing with."
He starts driving riskily or speeds up when he gets angry.
He hits the wall or kicks the door.
He throws things even if they don't hit you.
The closer your relationship with the bullying man, the more difficult it is to get out of it. Unfortunately, many women believe the exact opposite. They think: “Okay, sometimes he scares me a little, but I’ll wait and see: if it gets worse, I’ll leave him.” But leaving someone who has started to bully is much more difficult than many people think, and more difficult every day. Don't wait to see what happens.
*He demonstrates double standards.
Be wary of men who have a different set of rules for their behavior than for yours. Double standards - important aspect living with an abusive man (see Chapter 6).
* He treats women poorly.
At the beginning of a relationship, a man may say that he looks at you a little differently than he looks at women in general, but such a difference will not last long. If you are a woman, why would you get involved with someone who perceives a woman as a creature of a lower order, stupid, treacherous, good only for sex? He will not be able to forget for a long time that you are a woman.
Stereotypical beliefs about women's gender roles may also contribute to the risk of abuse. If he is convinced that a woman should take care of the house or that his career more important than career women, this can be a serious problem: he may put pressure on you if you refuse to live within his boundaries. Women sometimes find it difficult to find a man who has no prejudices about female role, especially in certain cultural or national groups, but efforts to find such a man have important.
* He behaves differently with you in front of strangers.
Abusive adults have a habit of putting on a show, treating their partners like gold when no one is looking, and reserving all their cruelty for moments when no one will see it. Abusive teenagers often behave in exactly the opposite way. He can be rude and cold to her in front of others to impress his friends with how "bossy" and "cool" he is, but becomes significantly softer in private.
* He is attracted to vulnerability.
One way this warning sign manifests itself is when men are attracted to women much younger than them. Why, for example, would a 22-year-old man care for a 16-year-old girl? Because she excites and provokes him? Obviously not. They are on different stages development, with a radical discrepancy between levels of knowledge and experience. He is attracted to power and seeks a partner who will look at him with adoration and allow him to be a leader. He, of course, usually tells her the exact opposite: he wants to be with her because she is unusually mature and extraordinary for her age. He may even compliment her on her sexual prowess and say that she has a lot of power over him, setting up the young victim so that she will not be able to understand what is happening to her. Many abusive men are attracted to women with less life experience, less knowledge, and less self-confidence—even without a chronological age difference—who will look to the man as a teacher or mentor.
I have had many clients who are attracted to women who are vulnerable due to recent traumatic experiences in their lives. Many of these clients began by helping a woman leave a relationship with her abusive partner and then began to control and abuse her themselves. Some seek out women who have had difficult or abusive childhoods, have health problems or have suffered a bereavement, and present themselves as a savior. Be wary of men who seem to be attracted to power imbalances.
At the same time, many abusive men have no particular attraction to vulnerability or helplessness in women. They are more drawn to the strong and successful. Violent men These types feel like they have caught a big fish if they can lure an accomplished, confident woman into their net to dominate her.
...Warning Signs of Violence
– He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.
- He treats you with disrespect.
– He does favors for you that you don't want, or displays ostentatious generosity that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- He controls.
– He is possessive.
- He is never to blame for anything.
- He is self-centered.
– He abuses drugs or alcohol.
- He forces you to have sex.
– He moves too quickly into a serious relationship.
- He bullies you when he's angry.
– He demonstrates double standards.
- He treats women badly.

– He behaves differently with you in front of people.
“He’s attracted to vulnerability.”
None of the warning signs listed above are a clear sign of an abusive personality, other than physical intimidation. Many non-violent men may exhibit similar behavior. What, then, should a woman do to prevent cruelty from appearing in her relationship with a man?
Although there is no panacea, the best plan seems to be this:
1. Let him know as quickly as possible what behavior or attitude is unacceptable to you, and that you cannot be with him if such behavior occurs again.
2. If it happens again, take a long break from meeting with him. Do not continue to meet with him, limiting yourself to a warning like “I’m warning you seriously this time,” otherwise he will most likely decide that you are “not serious.”
3. If this happens a third time, or if he switches to other behaviors that are also red flags, there is a very good chance he has an abuse problem. If you give him too many chances, you may regret it greatly. ( Detailed recommendations see “Leaving an Abusive Man as a Way to Promote Change” in Chapter 14).
Finally, remember that when an abusive man begins to slide into violence, he is confident that you are the one changing. This is how his perception works because he feels his actions are absolutely justified and cannot imagine that he is the problem. All he notices is that you don't seem to live up to his idea of ​​an ideal, giving, respectful woman.
What kind of treatment can be considered cruel?
Because abuse can escalate gradually, questions arise: How do you know if your partner has become abusive? Is there a line that one should always be aware of in order to notice how he has crossed it? Unbearably much – how much is that? Since no one is perfect, how do you know the difference between an isolated bad day where you're just not in the mood, and the manifestation of a system that will develop into something more serious?
Well, yes, everyone can yell at a partner, and we all sometimes call each other names, interrupt, act selfishly or insensitively. However, such behavior is not always cruelty and does not always have the same psychological impact as cruelty. At the same time, all these actions are cruel if they are part of a system of treatment. Being yelled at by someone who respects you is unpleasant, but it does not create the same disgusting atmosphere that the screaming of an abusive man creates.
IN in this case“Cruelty” has to do with “power” and occurs when a person takes advantage of an inequality of power to exploit or control another. Wherever there is inequality of power - between men and women, adults and children, poor and rich - there will be people who will take advantage of this circumstance for their own purposes. Thus, the starting point of cruelty is the moment when a man begins to use force and power over a woman to such an extent that it causes injury to her - mental or physical - and creates a privileged status for him.
QUESTION 9: IS THE WAY HE TREATS ME ABUSE? The boundaries beyond which subtle forms of mistreatment end and cruelty begin include the following:
* He retaliates against you for raising concerns about his behavior.
Let's say your partner called you a bitch. You got angry and made it clear to him that you really don’t like this and don’t want to hear this word addressed to you under any circumstances. However, he reacts to your dissatisfaction by deliberately calling you a bitch more and more often. There may even be a special look in his eyes now when he does this because he knows it affects you. Likewise, you can make the argument, “Stop yelling at me, I hate being yelled at,” and he will respond by raising his voice even more and blaming you for it. These are signs of an abusive relationship.
Another type of repression is switching to the role of victim. Let's say you complained that he didn't let you say the words. He changes the tone of his voice to be offended and hostile, as if your complaints against him are unfair, and says with sarcasm: “Okay, I will only listen, and you will talk,” and acts as if, by expressing dissatisfaction with his behavior, you are oppressing him . This is an attempt to make you feel guilty for resisting his control, which is the beginning of abuse.
Some ridicule women when they complain of mistreatment, either openly or through mockery. This behavior eliminates any doubt that he is prone to cruelty.
Repression is not always obvious, as in the examples above. But you will notice when your partner's behavior is intended to punish you for standing up to him, even if it's only a couple of days after the incident. He is sure that you have no right to disobey him, and he is trying to hurt you so that next time you will not do this.
* In response to your protest against his mistreatment, he says that this is your own problem.
When a woman attempts to set limits on a man's controlling or insensitive behavior, he seeks to make her question her own perceptions. Therefore he says:
- You are too sensitive, don’t make a mountain out of a mountain.
– Not everyone can remain white and fluffy when they are angry, as you wanted.
– Don’t start talking to me like I’m treating you badly just because your “ex” (or your parents) treated you badly. You think everyone is cruel to you.
“You're just angry because things didn't work out your way, so you say I'm treating you badly.”
With comments like these, the abusive man is trying to convince you that: 1) you have unreasonable expectations of his behavior and should be willing to live with what he does; 2) you are reacting not to his action, but to something else that happened in your life; 3) you are trying to influence him. All of these techniques tend to discredit your complaints of mistreatment, which constitutes cruelty. Discrediting maneuvers reveal a fundamental position that he will never voice openly and may not even be aware of himself: “You have no right to be dissatisfied with the way I treat you.” And you can't have an honest and healthy relationship if you can't voice your grievances.
* He apologizes, but his apology sounds angry or insincere, and he demands that you accept it.
Here's an example:
...Claire: I don't think you understand why I'm upset about what you did. You didn't even apologize.
Danny (angrily and loudly): Okay, okay! Sorry, IZ-VI-NI!
Claire (shaking her head): You still don't understand.
Danny: What the hell do you want?? I already apologized! Won't you rest until I'm on my knees?
Claire: Your apology means nothing to me if I see that you don't regret what you did.
Danny: What do you mean I'm not sorry?? Don't tell me how I feel, little Miss Analyst! You're not in my head.
Danny is convinced that Claire should be grateful for his apology, even if his tone conveys an attitude opposite of his words. He considers himself entitled to receive forgiveness and demands it. (He also believes that it is his prerogative to insist that she accept his version of reality, no matter how that version contradicts everything she sees and hears. In this sense, he is undoubtedly convinced of his right to control her mind .)
* He places blame on you for the impact of his behavior.
Abuse counselors say about their client: “When he sees his dirty face in the mirror in the morning, he begins to clean the mirror.” In other words, when his partner begins to show the predictable effects of chronic mistreatment, he becomes upset and accuses her, and then hits her again by ridiculing her for resenting him. He even uses her emotional trauma as an excuse to treat her even worse. If, for example, his verbal attacks have led to her not wanting to have sex with him, he accuses her: “You were probably satisfied elsewhere.” If she stops trusting him, he says that it is the lack of trust that makes her consider him cruel, thereby reversing cause and effect. If she's depressed or in tears in the morning because he harshly criticized her the day before, he says, "If you're going to be so sour today, why don't you go back to bed out of sight?"
If your partner criticizes or humiliates you because you react painfully to mistreatment, this is abuse. It is also cruelty to use the effect of one's own rudeness as an excuse, as my client did when he verbally attacked his partner and then told her that her emotional distancing was causing his cruelty. He hits a man who is down - and he knows it.
* Discussing problems is always “at the wrong time” or “in the wrong manner.”
Difficult relationship issues should be discussed. It is fashionable to express your dissatisfaction with words without it sounding like an attack on your personality. But for an abusive man, no way to express dissatisfaction is appropriate.
An initial defensiveness or aversion to claims is common among nonviolent people. Sometimes you have to stop arguing and come back to it after some time. However, there is no point in postponing a conversation with a cruel person. During the time-out, he will not think about your comments - he will prepare a rebuttal to your complaint.
* It undermines your progress in life.
Obstructing your freedom and independence is cruelty. If he caused you to lose your job or drop out of school, if he ruined your desire to achieve your dreams, ruined your relationships with loved ones, if he takes advantage of you economically and causes you financial harm, or tells you that you are incompetent in something What gives you pleasure, such as literature, art or business, by trying to get you to give up doing it, he undermines your independence.
* He denies his own actions.
Some actions within human relationships can be assessed subjectively. What one person considers a raised voice, another may call shouting. There is some room for reasonable people to disagree. However, there are actions - for example, an insult, hitting the table with your fist - that either happened or didn’t happen. Thus, while a non-abusive partner may argue with you about how you interpret their behavior, an abusive partner will deny it.
* He justifies his violent or frightening actions or says that “you forced him to do it.”
When you tell your partner, for example, that his screaming scares you, and he responds that he has every right to scream “because you won't listen to me,” that is abuse. The bully uses your behavior as an excuse for his own. By doing so, he renounces the unconditional cessation of degrading or intimidating behavior. Instead, he insists on an unequal deal, saying that he will stop some forms of abuse if you agree to give up what he doesn't like, even though this is often your absolutely legal right.
* When angry, he resorts to physical contact or intimidates you in other ways.
A man's physical aggression towards his partner is cruelty, even if it only happens once. If he swung at you, punched a hole in the wall, threw something at you, blocked your path, grabbed, pushed or poked you, or threatened to beat you, this is physical cruelty. He instills fear and uses your need for physical freedom and security to control you.
Sometimes your partner may unintentionally scare you because they don't know what effect their actions will have on you. For example, it may come from a family or culture where people shout loudly and wave their arms when arguing, whereas in your environment everyone was quiet and polite. A non-violent man in these circumstances will be very concerned when he realizes that he scared you, and will try to make sure it doesn't happen again - no strings attached.
Physical cruelty is dangerous. Once manifested, it can intensify over time. Even if it doesn't, so-called "low-level" physical abuse can frighten you, give your partner power over you, and begin to destroy your ability to manage your life. Any form of physical bullying is traumatic for children.
What if a woman slaps you? Is this abuse of a man? Answer: “It depends on the situation.” Men generally perceive pushing and slapping from women as irritating or rage-inducing rather than frightening, so the long-term emotional effects are much less harmful. It is difficult to find a man who has lost personal freedom or self-esteem due to female aggressiveness. I reject any form of aggression in relationships other than truly necessary self-defense, but I reserve the word cruelty for situations of control and intimidation.
However, a woman can be intimidated by another woman, and a man can be intimidated by his male partner. Much of what I have said about the thinking and tactics of heterosexual abusers applies to gays and lesbians as well (see Chapter 6 for more details).
* He forces you to have sex.
I have had clients who repeatedly raped or forced sex on their partners, but never hit them. Sexual coercion or the use of force in a relationship is abuse. Research shows that women who are raped by intimate partners experience even more profound and lasting suffering than those who are raped by a stranger or an acquaintance. intimate relationships. If you experience regular sexual assault or persistent pressure to have sex, call a sexual assault or abused women's hotline, even if you don't feel like the word "rape" applies to what your partner is doing.
*His controlling, disrespectful and demeaning behavior is systemic.
This situation requires special attention and the ability to trust your feelings. When exactly do actions become a system? What if this happens three times a year? What if this happens once a week? There is no answer that fits all actions and all people. You must decide for yourself whether your partner's mistreatment of you is a pattern.
* You feel like there are signs of abuse.
All of the signs of abuse discussed above related to the man's actions and thinking. But it is equally important to take a closer look at yourself, answering questions such as:
...
-Are you afraid of him?
– Are you withdrawing from friends and family because he has made it difficult for you to communicate with them?
– Are your energy and motivation levels decreasing, or do you feel depressed?
– Your opinion of yourself is declining, so you are constantly fighting to be good enough or to assert yourself?
– Do you find yourself constantly thinking about your relationships and how to fix them?
– Do you feel like you can't do anything right?
– Do you feel that the problems in your relationship are your fault?
– Do you regularly feel like you’ve been trampled after arguments, but you can’t understand exactly why?
These are signs that you may be in a relationship with an abusive man.
You may notice that the signs of abuse listed above rarely include the word “anger.” Bitterness may be one of the signs of a tendency towards cruelty, but cruelty and bitterness are different things. There are, for example, cheerful and calculating violent individuals, while at the same time, some non-violent men show anger quite often. You may decide that you don't want to be in a relationship with a partner who is constantly angry - that's none of my business - but anger itself is not cruelty.
What if he regrets?
Two questions I get asked very often are: 1) is the abuser sincere in expressing remorse, and 2) does being sincerely sorry for what they did mean that they are less likely to repeat the violent behavior?
QUESTION 10: IS HE REALLY SORRY? The good news is that his remorse is often sincere. The bad: it rarely helps. There are many conflicting psychological attitudes and beliefs at work simultaneously in the brain of an abusive man. Here are examples of typical contradictions:
- Women are fragile creatures and need protection, but they need to be intimidated from time to time so that they do not get out of hand.
“We have an equal right to speak out, but I make the decision.”
“I feel terrible for treating her badly, but I shouldn’t have any regrets in my personal relationships, no matter what I do.”
“I don’t have to raise my voice, but I have to control her, and for this I sometimes have to raise my voice.”
“It’s not good to hit women, but sometimes a man has no choice.”
When a man feels remorse for his abusive behavior, the remorse conflicts with his position of entitlement. In his head it sounds something like:
...I feel so bad for sending her, especially in front of the children. I lost my temper, and I want my family to always see me as a strong and responsible person. This breakdown is taking a toll on my self-esteem. But she called me "irresponsible"! Now the children will think that I am bad, and the reason is her. If they side with her, I'll tell them why I'm mad. She made me look really bad. Yes she went...
Let's analyze this text. Firstly, the experiences of the offended wife remain out of sight. A man is tormented because: 1) he has damaged his image in the eyes of other people; 2) hit own feeling what he would like to be; 3) feels that he must control his wife without resorting to cruelty. From these thoughts he slides to blaming his wife for his explosion. He considers himself entitled to do this and thus gets rid of the feeling of guilt. In the end, the blame for everything is shifted to the wife, including the impression he made on the children. The remorse faded.
During the first incidents of abuse, a man's emotions can look dramatic: I have had clients cry, beg their women for forgiveness and say, "You deserve so much better, I don't know what you're doing with a jerk like me." It may seem like the remorse comes from the heart, especially if you haven't seen him this upset before. But self-justification mechanisms kick in, and after a day or two the feelings of guilt are gone. The woman experiences the incident much longer, and very soon the partner can tell her: “Still haven’t forgotten? Don't dwell on it, damn it! Let's forget and move on." His attitude to the situation: “I’m done with it, so why didn’t she?”
Note that most abusers do feel sorry—though probably more for themselves—while putting on a little show to shift the focus to themselves. The partner may forget about his rudeness at the sight of his suffering... She may begin to assure him that she will not leave him, that she still loves him, that she does not think that he is a terrible person. She can hide his act from the children. This way he gets some calming attention as a reward for his disgusting behavior!
Remorse and regret tend to weaken as the number of violent episodes increases. The aspect of sincerity disappears as the man becomes accustomed to cruel acts and ceases to perceive the hurt feelings of his partner. The show is losing entertainment - he is less and less worried about the possibility of losing a woman, and he is more and more confident that she is completely under his control and will not leave him.
And lastly: it doesn’t really matter how sincere the repentance was. Clients who experienced high levels of regret after their first episodes of abuse changed at about the same rate as those who did not. The most remorseful were sometimes the most self-centered, bemoaning the damage done to their self-image most of all. They were ashamed of having acted like brutal dictators and wanted to quickly return to being benign dictators, as if that made them much better people.
If remorse after the incident does not help
The following steps on his part can prevent another episode of abuse:
*Give you the opportunity to express your anger about what he did. Don't tell you that you've been angry for too long and don't try to make you swallow your feelings of anger.
* Listen to your opinion without interrupting, without making excuses or shifting the blame onto you.
* Make amends for anything he did to you, such as by picking up everything he dropped, or telling friends that he told lies about you, or telling your children that his behavior was unacceptable and it was not your fault.
* Make an agreement to immediately and unconditionally change behavior.
* Ask for help without waiting until you pressure him to do it.
If he is willing to do this, chances are he is not deeply cruel. However, without such clear and unambiguous action, abuse will return.
Take immediate action to protect yourself
Many women take a “wait and see” attitude at the first sign of an abusive partner. This is a dangerous trap. The longer you stay with an abusive man and the more destructive his behavior becomes, the harder it is to extricate yourself from the relationship, and here's why:
* The longer he spends time lowering your opinion of himself, the harder it will be for you to believe that you deserve better treatment.
* The longer he inflicts emotional trauma on you, the more likely it is that your energy and initiative will decrease - it will be more difficult for you to find the strength to break free.
* The more damage he does to your relationships with friends and family, the less support you will have for the difficult process of breaking up.
* The longer you live in his cycle of alternating cruel and kind, loving treatment, the more attached to him you are likely to feel, experiencing traumatic attachment (see Chapter 9).
For all of these reasons, you need to take action, no matter how many years you have been in a relationship with an abusive man.
One more thing: if you and your abusive partner don’t have children, don’t have them! Having a child will not make him calm down or become more responsible. This will not convince him of your commitment to him or stop his jealous accusations, nor will it stop him from cheating on you. Having children will only add to your stress as you begin to worry about how your partner's abusive behavior is affecting your children. Having children may make it difficult for you to care for him and give him the opportunity to threaten you with attempts to gain custody of them (see Chapter 10). I don’t know of a single case where having children would solve the problem of a woman living with an aggressive man, or at least weaken it.
...Remember
*Early signs of abuse are usually noticeable if you know what to look for.
* When you notice warning signs, act quickly: set limits on acceptable behavior or end the relationship. The deeper you become involved with an abusive man, the harder it will be to get out.
* You are not the cause of your partner's descent into violence and you cannot stop this process by trying to understand what is bothering him and meeting his needs more fully. Emotional distress and unmet needs have nothing to do with cruelty.
* Clear indicators of abusive behavior include ridicule of your complaints about his abuse, physical intimidation, or forced sex. Any of these manifestations are a sign that abuse has already begun in your relationship.
* You are not a “co-creator” of an abusive relationship—it is created by the abuser, not his partner.
* As soon as you have questions about abuse, sound the alarm. Don't wait until you are sure.

According to WHO, at least 1 in 3 women aged 15 to 49 years are victims of physical and/or sexual violence at the hands of their partner. But there are even more of those who live in an atmosphere of psychological violence and often do not even realize it.

They may never lay a finger on you, but they can constantly destroy you emotionally. Psychologist Irina Chesnova listed 10 signs of psychological violence from a close man.

1. He criticizes

You, your appearance, the way you dress, your behavior, your views. Emphasizes shortcomings, looks for mistakes. Devalues ​​your emotions, hopes, plans, achievements. He judges, mocks, allows himself caustic, evil jokes, derogatory remarks, including in public.

Humiliates by comparing with others, thereby killing your self-esteem. “You’re overweight, cold, worthless, and who needs you anyway? What can you do without me? The tyrant feels for the most vulnerable places in order to put pressure on them. And make you feel guilty and feel inadequate.

One such look is enough to create a nervous, depressing atmosphere in the family.

2. He blames you for everything.

In your problems, troubles and negative feelings: “You don’t understand me and don’t support me!”, “It’s all because of you,” “You’re the one who brought me down!” You are provoking! It's your fault! The fact is that you are not trying and coping enough, you are not guessing his mood and desires.

He scolds, calls you offensive words, curses, taking out his anger and dissatisfaction on you.

3. He ignores your needs, wants and requests.

When you say “I don’t like it, it hurts me, don’t do that,” he continues. May force or deny sex. Your tears either don’t touch him or irritate him. He closes himself off from any of your attempts to clarify the relationship, to explain how his behavior hurts and offends: “I’m tired of this brainwashing!”, “Do you want to quarrel?”

4. He punishes you for “disobedience,” resisting his control, or “bad” behavior.

Wherein " bad behavior“It may turn out to be everything that a man doesn’t like. Punishes with anger, coldness, contempt, silence. Refusal of money if you are financially dependent on him. You constantly feel guilty and apologize endlessly.

You have no right to question his words and behavior, be dissatisfied with him, be angry with him, or demand something. It claims to be the center of your universe. And you must satisfy his needs, fulfill his often unrealistic demands, look up to him. And at the same time we should be grateful!

Physical violence is clearly, definitely, expressed. But psychological violence is much more difficult to recognize

5. He controls you

Your movements and expenses. Limits social contacts: he must be asked permission to meet someone somewhere, otherwise he will be “punished.” It cuts off your support environment - parents, friends. Often explaining this isolation as care: “They are a bad influence on you.”

6. He is suspicious, jealous and rude

And not only in relation to you, also to children and animals. Threatens, intimidates: "If you leave me, I'll break your neck". Uses force as an argument - presses against the wall, can strangle, grab wrists, push, pinch. And, of course, he can destroy furniture, bang on walls, and throw things.

7. He has sudden mood swings.

Increased "explosiveness". He is easily offended, and therefore can cause a scandal out of the blue.

8. He is confident that he is right.

He rationalizes, justifies his behavior with anything, but denies you adequacy, forcing you to doubt yourself: “You’re hysterical,” “There’s nothing wrong with me, it’s something wrong with you, it’s you who’s going crazy!”

If anyone should “work on themselves” and change themselves, it’s definitely not him. A tyrant man demonstrates his superiority and tries in every way to increase his importance, dignity and merit: “I work hard all day and earn money, and you...”, and downplay yours.

I am convinced that I have the right to take a position “above” and from this position to teach others about life, to tell them what is wrong with them and how they should change. This is such a perverted, inside out system of values: “the way I act is correct, acceptable, I have the right to do this,” “everyone lives this way.”

A domestic tyrant quite often uses force as an argument: he presses him against the wall, he can strangle him, grab his wrists, push him, pinch him.

9. He sends you double, conflicting, manipulative messages.

And it’s unclear to you how to react to them. No matter what you do, there will always be a negative reaction from him: “I’m sick and tired of your obsessive concern!” And after some time: “Well, that’s right, no one will even offer you a headache pill.”.

He states, “I know best what is good for you.” Can turn everything you say inside out, deny the obvious: “Nobody insulted you, you started everything yourself, and now you’re blaming me.”

10. He periodically gives hope

There is a so-called cycle of violence. You live peacefully, calmly, but all this time the tyrant’s internal tension is growing. Then an act of violence occurs (or a major scandal with accusations) and détente sets in, the tension is released. After this, the tyrant repents: “Forgive me if you can, I offended you again!” And the honeymoon stage begins: the man gives a lot of kindness, care and help, you have wonderful sex.

It seems to you that it will be like this forever. But at some point the cycle starts again.

All of the above can be called psychological abuse if your partner behaves this way regularly. Even if he tends to demonstrate 2-3 of the signs described above, it is worth paying attention to this.

An abusive man's excessive and unreasonable expectations alone ensure that his partner will never be able to follow all his rules and fulfill all his demands. As a result, he often becomes angry or enraged. This dynamic was recently illustrated by a young man on a talk show who was discussing his cruelty towards ex-wife. He said his definition of a good relationship is: "Never argue and say you love each other every day." He told the audience that his wife "deserved" to be treated poorly because she did not live up to this unrealistic image. There's no point in sending this young man or any other abusive man into an anger management program because his position of entitlement will simply breed more anger. It is necessary to change his position in life.

Reality #3: He turns everything inside out Emil, a client of mine who used physical violence, told me the story of the worst attack on his wife: “One day Tanya used too many words, and I got so angry that I grabbed her by the throat and pinned her to the wall.” In a voice full of indignation, he said: “Then she tried to knee me in the groin! How do you like it?? Of course I was furious. And when I swung my hand down, my nails left a deep scratch on her face. What did she expect?

QUESTION 4: WHY DOES HE SAY THAT I AM TREATING HIM CRUELLY?

The abusive man's perception system, with its high perceived entitlement, generates a reversion of aggression and self-defense. He defined Tanya’s attempt to defend herself as violence against myself. He regarded the infliction of bodily harm on her as self-defense from her cruelty. Through the prism of unlimited entitlement that an abusive man always holds before his eyes, everything looks upside down, like the reflection in a spoon.

Another client, Wendell, describes an incident in which he ran from his home by loudly slamming the door. “Aisha nags me for hours. There is a limit to my patience to listen to her complaints and talk about how bad I am. Yesterday she started up again and I ended up calling her a bitch and leaving the house.” - “What was Aisha upset about?” - "Don't know. When she starts her organ, I just zone out.” A few days later I spoke with Aisha. She said she actually yelled at Wendell for about 5-10 minutes. However, he forgot to tell me that he had insulted her in the morning: “He suppresses me in arguments; he repeats himself like a broken record, and I'll be lucky if I can get a word in edgewise. And his language is terrible - he called me a bitch ten times that day.” She couldn’t stand it and began to fiercely defend herself, and that’s when he left into the night.

Why did Wendell think it was Aisha who was screaming and complaining to him?? Because in his mind she should listen, not talk. The fact that she speaks out at all is too much!..

When I tell my clients not to abuse their wives, they turn my words inside out, as well as the words of their partners. They accuse me of saying things that have nothing to do with the words I said. One said to me: “Do you think I should let her wipe her feet on me? So they can do whatever they want with us, but we can’t lift a finger?” – as his partner told him she was fed up with his friends messing up the house and he needed to “clean up the damn rubbish”. He continued: “Your approach is everything she does is good because she is a woman and since I am a man, stricter rules apply to me!” This is in response to what I pointed out his double standards and convinced him to live by the same rules that he applies to her.

An abusive man has another reason to exaggerate and ridicule his partner's (and mine) words: he wants to avoid having to think seriously about what she says, to internalize it. He feels entitled to swat her like a fly.

Reality #4: He doesn't respect his partner and thinks he's superior to her.

Sheldon was referred to me because he violated a court restraining order. He insists he was never violent or intimidated by Kelly. Now he is trying to get custody of his 3-year-old daughter Ashley. He states that Kelly has never looked after the child since his birth and has "never been close to her." “I don’t consider her Ashley’s mother, she is only a vessel, a channel through which Ashley came into this world.”

Kelly is an inanimate object in Sheldon's mind, a baby-making machine. When talking about her, he lifts his chin, his face expressing arrogant contempt. But he never looks upset - who is Kelly to be annoying? His condescending tone shows his complete confidence in his superiority over Kelly.

Quite a common stereotype for abusive men. They tend to see their partner as less intelligent, less competent, less logical and even less sensitive And compassionate than him. He often finds it difficult to perceive her as a human being. This trend is known as objectification or depersonalization. The verbal attacks of most abusive men are aimed at humiliation. They use the words they know most offend women: “bitch,” “slut,” or “bitch,” often preceded by the epithet “fat.” My clients' partners have told me that these words feel like physical violence. By using insults—and my clients sometimes admit to using the most derogatory words they can think of—abusive men make their partners feel both humiliated and insecure.

Objectification is the main reason why abusers tend to become more violent over time.. When his consciousness adapts to one level of cruelty or violence, he builds the next. By depersonalizing his partner, he protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and compassion so that he can sleep soundly through the night with a clear conscience. He distances himself from her human essence so far that her feelings cease to count or simply cease to exist. After a few years, my clients reach a point in their relationship with their partner where they feel no more guilty about humiliating or threatening her than you or I feel about kicking a rock in the road out of anger.

Abuse and respect are on opposite ends of the relationship spectrum: you don't respect the one you abuse, and you don't abuse those you respect.

Reality #5: He confuses love with cruelty. Here's what I often hear from my clients:

- The reason for my cruel treatment is that I have very strong feelings for her. We hurt the ones we love the most.

“No one can upset me more than her.”

“I told her not to even try to leave me.” You can't even imagine how much I love her!

“I was disgusted to watch her ruin her life.” I'm too worried about her to watch this calmly and do nothing.

Abusive men often try to convince their partner that their mistreatment of her is proof of the strength of their feelings, but cruelty is the opposite of love. The more cruel a man is to you, the more he demonstrates that he only cares about himself. He can feel very desire get your love and care, but give He wants them for you only when it’s convenient for him.

So is he lying when he says he loves you? How to say. Most of my clients feel a powerful attraction, which is called love. For many of them, this is the only feeling they have ever felt for their partner, so they have no way of understanding that this is not love. When an abusive man feels something like this, he is likely feeling:

♦ the desire for you to devote your life to his happiness, without any external interference;

♦ desire to possess you sexually;

♦ the desire to impress others that you have become his partner;

♦ desire to control you.

He may love you quite sincerely, but he first needs to radically reorient his point of view in order to separate abuse and possessive desires from real caring and gain the ability to truly see you.

Mixing love with cruelty is precisely what allows killers of their partners to claim that they were motivated by a strong feeling of love. The media, unfortunately, too often takes the aggressor's point of view on these acts, describing them as "crimes of passion." Really? If a mother kills her child, do we accept the claim that she did it because she was overwhelmed with caring? In no case. And they shouldn't. True love involves respecting the dignity of another person, wanting them to feel good, and supporting the self-esteem and independence of a loved one. Such love is incompatible with cruelty and violence.

Reality #6: He's manipulative.

Consider the interactions between David and Joanne:

♦ David yells at Joanne and, blushing, points his finger at her. Joanne tells him he's too angry and she doesn't like it. He gets even louder: “I’m not angry. I'm just trying to get through to you, but you're not listening! Don't tell me how I feel, I hate it! You are not inside me!

♦ One day Joanne told David that his outbursts were getting to her and she needed a break from their relationship. David: “So you don’t love me anymore. I'm not sure you ever really loved me. You don’t even understand how strong my feelings for you are.” It looks like he's about to cry. Joanne begins to reassure David that she is not leaving him, and her complaints about his behavior are lost in the shuffle of the situation...

♦ Joanne states that she wants to go back to school. David: “We can’t afford it,” and refuses to look after the children while she’s studying. Joanne offers many options for how to deal with money and childcare. In each of them, David finds something inappropriate. Joanne eventually decides that it is not possible for her to continue her education, but David insists that he did not try to talk her out of it. She is left with the opinion that the decision not to continue her education is her own.

Very few abusers rely entirely on verbal abuse or intimidation of their partners. It takes too much effort to be endlessly threatening without making a man likeable. If he is abusive all the time, his partner will begin to realize that he is being abused, and this may make him feel too much guilt about his behavior. Therefore, an abusive man will typically switch to manipulating his partner to get what he wants. He may sometimes use this tactic to simply frustrate or confuse her.

Here are some signs that an abusive man is manipulative:

♦ Sudden and frequent mood changes, which makes it difficult for you to tell what he is like and how he feels, and this constantly throws you off balance. His feelings towards to you especially changeable.

♦ Denying obvious things about what he is thinking or feeling. He will talk to you in a voice that is shaking with anger, or he will blame you for causing the problem, or he will pout and then deny it while looking you in the eyes. You know it's not true - and he knows! – but refuses to admit it, which can drive you crazy. He may then call you crazy for being so upset by his denial.

♦ He convinces you that he is forcing you to do what is in your best interest. In this way he can make his egoism look like nobility. Clever trick! Much water will pass before you understand what his true motives were.

♦ He makes you sympathize with him so you lose the desire to press your claims to what he does.

♦ He makes you blame yourself or others for what he does.

♦ He uses obfuscation tactics in arguments, subtly or openly changing the subject, insisting that you are thinking or feeling something that you really don't think or feeling, turning your words inside out, and using a host of other techniques that, like a spider's web, entangle your brain. After an argument, you may feel like you are losing your mind.

♦ He lies or misdirects your thoughts about his actions, desires, or reasons why he does certain things. to get you to do what he wants. Women very often complain about their partners' lies; these lies are a form of psychological cruelty, and very destructive.

♦ It pits you and the people you care about against each other. giving away secrets, being rude to your friends, telling people lies about what you allegedly said about them, etc.

Manipulation can be worse than outright cruelty - especially when they go hand in hand. When a woman is called a "bitch" or pushed and slapped, at least she knows what was done to her. However, when manipulated, she may not understand what is happening. She just feels terrible - like she's going crazy, and for some reason she feels like it's her fault.

Reality #7: He tries to maintain a good image. You can spend a lot of time trying to figure out what's wrong to you instead of thinking what's wrong with him. If he gets along well with others and impresses them good impression generosity, sense of humor and friendliness, you may be driven crazy by the thought: “What is it about me that sets him off? Other people seem to think he's wonderful."

QUESTION 5: HOW IS IT GOOD THAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS HE IS GREAT?

Many abusive men put on a mask of charm in public, creating a stark difference between their public image and how they behave with their women and children in private. He can be:

♦ furious at home, but calm and smiling outside the home;

♦ selfish and self-centered with you, but generous and ready to help with others;

♦ suppressive at home and ready to negotiate and compromise elsewhere;

♦ demonstrate an extremely negative attitude towards women at home, but loudly support equality if someone else hears him;

♦ be violent with your partner or children, but not be violent or threatening with others;

♦ take a position of over-empowerment in the home, but criticize men who disrespect women and attack them.

The pain from such contrasts can corrode a woman’s consciousness. In the morning, her husband greatly offended her, calling her a “stupid fat cow,” and a few hours later she sees him laughing, talking with neighbors, and helping them fix their car. Later the neighbor will tell her: “Your husband is so nice. You are lucky to have him - many men never do what he does.” “Yes, yes,” she mutters in response, perplexed. Returning home, she asks herself again and again: “Why is he doing this to me?”

Do Abusive Men Have Multiple Personality Disorders?

Basically no. They are interested in control and power, and part of their efforts in this direction is to create an attractive image in public. The charm of abusive men keeps their partners from asking for support and help because the woman feels that people will find her revelations implausible and will blame her. If his friends overhear him say something offensive, or the police arrest him for assault, his previous efforts to please people become the basis for exonerating him from responsibility. Observers think: “He's such a nice guy, he just can't be aggressive. She must have really hurt him."

The great guy persona worn by abusive individuals helps them feel right. My clients say, “I get along with everyone except her. Ask about me - everyone will say that I am a calm, sensible person. This she goes into a tailspin." At the same time, he uses the problems that she has in relationships with other people, many of which may be of his own making, as further evidence that she is the person with problems.

As a consultant, I have had to struggle to resist the charms of abusive individuals. When they chat and laugh in class, their rudeness and selfishness seem to disappear. I often wonder what my neighbors wonder: could this guy be disgusting? And even after he admits that he can, this still hard to believe. This contrast is a key reason why abusive men can continue to do what they do with impunity.

My clients included doctors, including two surgeons, a host of businessmen, including owners and directors of large companies, about a dozen professors, several lawyers, a famous - and very soft-spoken - radio host, representatives of the clergy, and two very famous athletes. One of my clients volunteered at a soup kitchen every Thanksgiving for 10 years. Another was an employee of a large human rights organization. Who would have believed that these people were capable of such cruelty and destruction!

These men carefully hide their cruel side from the outside world, but there is one situation in which they give themselves away: when someone opposes their cruelty and takes the side of the offended woman. Suddenly, attitudes and practices that they usually reserve for home are thrown out into the open. The vast majority of women who say they are abused are telling the truth. I know it's true because abusive men lower their shields with me, exposing their false denials.

Reality #8: He believes his actions are justified.

Several years ago, one of my clients stated, “I’m here because I beat my wife.” I was impressed by how aware he was of his problem. However, the following week he softened his words to "I'm here because I abuse my wife." And a week later I heard: “My wife thinks that I am cruel to her, so I ended up here.” After a few weeks, he stopped coming, providing himself with comfort through self-justification.

Abusers externalize responsibility for their own actions, convincing themselves that their partner is forcing them to behave cruelly. Each of my clients predictably used some variation of the following ideas:

- She knows how to piss me off.

“She wants me to explode and she knows how to do it.”

“She's gone too far.”

– Human patience is not limitless.

“Did you expect me to let her trample me?” What would you do if you were me?

Many clients express guilt and remorse when they first come to counseling, but once you press them to look at the history of their behavior, they become defensive. It is easy for them to say, “I know what I did was wrong,” but when I ask them to describe their verbal and physical attacks in detail, they return to the position that these actions are justified.

Abusive men are masters at self-justification! In this respect, they resemble alcoholics and drug addicts who believe that everyone and everything is to blame for their actions except themselves. If they don't blame their partners, they blame stress, alcohol, a difficult childhood, their children, their boss, or their insecurities. tomorrow. Moreover, they consider themselves has the right make excuses. When I tell them that other men under the same circumstances are not violent, they tend to become angry or contemptuous.

Does this mean that abusive men are psychopaths who lack shame and conscience? In the usual case, no, although I had a small amount of cases (about 5% of clients) that were like this. Most violent individuals There is conscience when it comes to their behavior outside the family. They are ready to take responsibility for their actions at work, in a club or on the street. However, their position of high authority prevails in the house.

An abusive man usually believes that he can blame his partner for any mistakes and failures, not only in one’s own cruelty. Did he just experience a disappointment? It's because of her. Is he embarrassed by his mistake? She should have prevented this. The child has difficult period? She's a bad mother. Everything is someone else's fault, and that other person is usually her.

Reality #9: Abusers deny or downplay their abuse.

I happen to work in litigation against people who have used domestic violence or child abusers. Judicial officials often say, “Well, she's accusing him of abuse and he's denying it,” and then abandon the trial, as if the man's denial of the charges closes the case! Or, “He says she does the same to him, so I guess they’re abusing each other.” This kind of male denial and cross-blaming says nothing about how true the woman’s accusation against him is. If a man is cruel, he Necessarily will deny it, partly to protect himself, partly because his perception is distorted. If he were willing to accept responsibility for his actions with his partner, he would not be an abusive person. Breaking through denial and minimization is one of the most important tasks of an abuse counselor. Most of the men in my groups admit to some abusive behavior—though of course they don't consider it abusive—but reveal only a small portion of what they actually do, as I learn from conversations with their partners.

When an abusive man denies an incident immediately after it happens, his partner's head can spin. Imagine a woman who wakes up in the morning, feeling sick to her stomach from the disgusting scene that happened the night before. Her partner makes a face when he sees her in the kitchen and says: “Are you in a bad mood today?”

She replies: “What the hell were you thinking? You called me a loser in front of the kids, and then you pulled my towel off so they laughed at me. And do you want me to chirp happily in the morning after this?” - “What are you doing? - he gasps. - Well, you are an artist! Yes, I was on the other side of the room when your towel fell. Are you going to blame it on me? You're crazy! And he leaves, shaking his head.

A woman may feel like she is losing her mind—and sometimes she is—if the obvious realities of her life, including abuse, are regularly denied by her partner. The confidence and authority of his voice, his eyes full of bewilderment make her doubt herself: “Was it really? Maybe it wasn't. Maybe I overreact to innocent things.” The more serious incidents he denies, the more she loses touch with reality. And if outsiders begin to notice her insecurities, the abuser can use their observations to convince them that her revelations about his abuse are pure fantasy.

Partners of these types of abusive men ask me: “After the incident, he seems to truly believe that the abuse did not happen. Is he deliberately lying? As a rule, yes. Most abusive men have good memories. He probably remembers very precisely what he did, especially after the recent incident. He denies his actions to close the discussion because he doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions and may want you to be frustrated and feel like you're going crazy. However, a small percentage of abusive men—perhaps one in twelve—may have psychological disorders, particularly narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, in which they literally block out awareness of any negative behavior. One sign that your partner has this disorder is that he does the same thing to other people. If his denial and insanity is limited only to you or situations that relate to you, he is most likely just being cruel.

Denial and minimization are the most destructive patterns of behavior, be it an alcoholic, a gambling addict, or a child abuser. Abuse of women is no exception.

Reality #10: Abusive men are possessive.

My new clients often seem quite confused by what's going on, as if I were giving a seminar on edible plants and they were in the wrong audience. They can’t wait to speak out, jump up from their seats and rush at me: “But these are ours.” wives And girls. Are you saying that someone else can dictate to us what to do in our personal relationships?” As they say this, they smile or shake their heads slightly, as if they sympathize with my stupidity. They think that I somehow overlooked the fact that this their women.

Possessiveness is one reason why these men's violence tends to increase as the relationship becomes more serious. The longer the relationship lasts and the stronger the commitment, the more the abusive man begins to perceive his partner as a trophy. Possessiveness is the basis of the psychology of a cruel person, the source that feeds all other streams. On some level, he feels that he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.

QUESTION 6: WHY IS HE SO INSANELY JEALOUS?

For many abusive men, possessiveness takes the form of sexual jealousy. Men of this type carefully track everyone they know, expect her to report on her whereabouts at all times, and periodically attack her with accusations, like Fran (see Chapter 1). Let me note: most often the accusers are those who cheat. Possessiveness and an attitude of entitlement make the abusive man feel that he is allowed to have affairs on the side, but she is not.

No less important reason exceptional jealousy, which is demonstrated by so many abusive men, consists of desire isolate your partner. In Chapter 1, we met Marshall, who did not believe his own hysterical accusations of his wife's infidelity. So what motivated him? An abusive man who isolates his partner does so primarily because he:

1. wants her life to be completely focused on his needs; he feels that other social contacts take up her time from him, and he does not perceive this as her right;

2. does not want her to have sources of strength that can fuel her independence; this is often not entirely conscious, but at some level abusive men are aware that a woman's social contacts can give her the strength and support that will ultimately help her escape his control (remember the case of Dale and Maureen from Chapter 1?); an abusive man usually seeks to completely dominate his partner in order to increase his power.

This life position leads an abusive person to a tendency to perceive any relationship with a partner - both men and women - as a personal threat. You can try to solve this problem by endlessly convincing him of your love and that you are not going to cheat on him. But this does not make his efforts to isolate you any weaker - after all, he is not so worried about the fact that you will sleep with another man, but about the loss of control over you.

Jealous claims and isolation are just one form of possessiveness. Some abusive men do not control their partners' communication, but their underlying attitude is “you my, and therefore I do with you what I consider necessary” - manifests itself differently. If your partner's sister criticizes him for bullying you, he may respond to her: "It's none of your business what I do to my girlfriend." If you have children, he may begin to treat everyone in the family as his property. His anger can threateningly intensify when you try to break off relations with him. Keep your word in mind own, and you will begin to notice that many of your partner’s actions lead to the belief that you belong to him.

Abusive men can have any type of personality, they could have had a good or bad childhood, they could be macho or sophisticated "liberals". No test can tell the difference between an abusive man and a trustworthy man. Cruelty is not the result of emotional trauma or lack of development - it grows out of a child's early upbringing, dependent on his key male role models and the influence of his peers. In other words, cruelty is a problem values, not psychology. If anyone questions life position or beliefs A violent personality, he tends to show his arrogance and aggression, which he usually hides, leaving it for attacks on his partner. The abusive person tries to keep everyone - partner, therapist, friends and family - focused on what he is feeling so that they don't get into what he is thinking, probably because on some level he understands that by understanding the true nature of his problems, you will leave his power.

Remember

♦ The basis of cruelty is in the worldview and value system, and not in feelings. Its root is possessiveness, its trunk is a position of empowerment, and its crown is control.

♦ Abuse and respect are opposites. Abusive men cannot change without overcoming their fundamental disrespect for their partner.

♦ Abusive men act much more deliberately than they might seem. However, even their less conscious actions are based on their value system.

♦ Abusers can, but do not want to, be non-violent. They don't want to give up power and control.

♦ You are not crazy. Trust your perception of how badly your partner treats and thinks about you.

Enjoy yourself. Question: My husband is quite cruel to the child and to me, the situation that happened today was not pleasant, they started cutting the child’s hair (3 years old) with a clipper, and accordingly, the child always reacts by crying. The husband began to shout at him in a harsh manner and put pressure on him; he was scared, took the lazina and began to scare him, I don’t know from the outside it was harsh enough, I, in turn, took the child and in anger told my husband that he was literally evil, and subsequently received a punch in the back, we often quarrel over the child, only the child begins to whine, he’s tired of Lozina, I’m especially outraged that the man doesn’t control his actions when he hit me. I am indignant, of course I hold it in my hands, but my anger is not endless and neither is my patience. I really want to beat him if I were stronger. This is what worries me today. And the most interesting thing is that he believes that he is right, there is not even a hint of apologizing.
Give me some good advice.

Katya, leave or you drive him away. Your aggressive husband.

When your child begins to behave the same way as your evil husband, do not seek protection from him.

If you want help, then come to our offices with your husband or separately. And start working on your characters!

Not a single female in nature ever gives up her weak cub to be torn to pieces male, and only stupid human ones females they simply behave inappropriately, they allow their inappropriate husbands- scare your children.

Just don’t think that this will not affect your boy’s character in any way; now he is recording this particular pattern of behavior into his subconscious as the strongest, and therefore correct.

Pull yourself together and defend yourself, kick them out and get a divorce, contact the government. organs or psychological centers, but do not hold back, do not demonstrate such behavior to your child, you are responsible for his reflection for the rest of his life!

Good luck to you with courage and happiness.

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