Did your mother-in-law get enough? Tortured, no strength? You have found exactly what you need! This site was created by a soul suffering from mother-in-law and for like-minded women who suffer from mothers-in-law. The problem of daughter-in-law and mother-in-law goes back far into the past and remains to this day. And this is very sad. But we won't give up! We will find ways to fight the powerful furies who protect their boys from us. We will cope with them and win! Because this is our time, and their time has already passed! Now we are the main ones in the lives of our men, not their mothers! And if you are a daughter-in-law, then most likely you, in best case scenario you are unhappy with your mother-in-law, and in the worst case, you are ready to get a divorce because of her. And precisely in order to prevent the worst from happening, we are here creating a community of offended daughters-in-law, ready to stand up for themselves and their happiness, ready to fight for their family hearth, and emerge victorious, no matter what! Join our Svekra.ru movement, and you will find peace of mind in your soul, share your suffering, hear advice and guidance, enjoy humor and ease of mind!
Oh, how many there are scary stories about mothers-in-law. Most daughters-in-law can say about their second mother, “the mother-in-law drinks blood.” Some constantly strive to give advice, others demand increased attention to themselves, and still others even give orders. What to do and what to do if your mother-in-law interferes with your life?
First, you must understand that there will be no war! Even if you think it already exists, it is just an illusion. Don't try to do the impossible! You either accept all manifestations of your mother-in-law, or you doom yourself to death in attempts to resist this woman. Judge for yourself:
- She has known him much longer than you or anyone else on the planet.
- His mother is a part of his life that will not disappear anywhere.
- Since she is older than you, her character has been developing over decades, the likelihood that she will change tends to zero.
- One way or another, as a son, he is obliged to take care of his mother, protect and be responsible for her. He will not erase her from his life (unless he himself does not want to, the reasons for this must be very compelling).
The sooner you understand that she is also a person and an individual with her own interests, rights and feelings, the better. Either agree with this or leave this family. Another important point:
Your mother-in-law doesn't owe you anything! Not your parents, not your grandchildren, not even your husband. Everything she does for you is her good will.
My mother-in-law is attacking me, what should I do?
Do not under any circumstances enter into fighting and don't try to defend yourself. You will not win, but will only destroy the family. Believe me, any of your words and actions will be used against you, inflated and twisted. Your husband and no one else must come to your defense!
If he refuses to take part in this, think about why? Maybe he's used to you always deciding everything yourself? Or he simply doesn't respect you. And not because he is bad, but because you allowed it! You cannot allow yourself to be treated with disrespect and be allowed to put his mother’s interests above your own. If you've been walking around in the same boots for three years, and he's buying your mother-in-law a new plasma, it's time to grow your voice.
But in order not to add fuel to the fire yourself, express your dissatisfaction correctly. Well, for example, not like this: “How much longer will your mother sit on our neck?!” We can’t go on vacation, but she has no problems,” and like this: “Darling, let’s start saving for our vacation. I’ve been dreaming for so long that the two of us would fly to Thailand.” Yes, he may still object, but you will avoid a huge scandal and prove yourself to be a wise wife.
Most likely, your husband himself does not know how to deal with his women and prefers to throw a wad of banknotes into the snake’s nest without experiencing the wrath of several women. And only your wisdom will help him come to an agreement.
How to improve relations with your mother-in-law?
- Separate housing. Even if your mother-in-law has a house with three spare bedrooms, and your money is only enough to rent a room in a communal apartment. Your husband, as a man, must resolve the issue of comfortable housing, but living together with his mother must be excluded. At the same time, she should not have keys to your apartment/room. Set your boundaries on the shore: she only comes to visit when invited. This is only your territory.
- Be on the same side with her. Try to understand her interests and motives. Make an unspoken alliance! If your husband is a caring son, play along with him. Ask if he called his mother, tell him to carry her bags. He will do it without you, but the mother-in-law will certainly appreciate such participation!
- Respect her authority. At least formally. Ask for advice, listen, write down, and ultimately do as you see fit. Be more cunning, and your mother-in-law will stop fighting you, thinking that she has already “won.”
If there are already disagreements and the relationship is damaged, only your husband can correct the situation. He must explain to his mother that he now has his own family, of which he is the head. He has a beloved woman who will take no less care of him and his children. But if you, on your part, also crossed the line of respect, then you should also comply with your husband’s request related to your attitude towards his mother. You don't have to love your mother-in-law, but you do have to respect her. Whether you want it or not.
What to do if your husband is a mama's boy?
Unfortunately, you won't see any advice on re-education here. Simply because they don't exist. You should not marry a man who cannot exist without a woman. Whom his mother protected him from ironing, always served him a three-course dinner, took responsibility for him in everything and did not teach him to earn money on his own.
Such a man will only be able to marry a woman who will be ready to replace all the functions of a mother. Don't expect him to become the head of the family, a support, a father - an example to follow. By saying “YES” to such a person at the registry office, you acquire a husband and child in one person. He will sit on your neck, and the mother-in-law will urge and guide. Main contribution to family budget It will be you who will contribute, and worse, you will also give part of it to your husband’s mother.
What if you are already married to someone like this? Either accept it or return the “product” to the “manufacturer”.
When children appear
You can marry a man who has a wonderful mother. But everything changes when you have children. Many mothers-in-law are concerned about your inexperience and rush to help. Modern doctors are generally against any interference of grandmothers in the upbringing process. Only under the strict supervision of parents. “I raised two people, and nothing” is not an argument.
If your mother-in-law begins to urgently give advice, comes to help when you don’t ask for it or even without your knowledge, performs any manipulations with the child, you have every right to tell her respectfully but clearly: “You raised a wonderful son, thank you very much. Give me the opportunity to do the same with my child. I am a mother, and I prefer to know exactly who is investing in my child and what.
I thoroughly prepared for his birth: I studied a lot of literature, took courses, talked with doctors. I have built my daily routine in such a way that I manage everything myself, and don’t need your help yet. If I have any questions, I will definitely contact you.
Let's agree that you will come to us, for example, once a week for a couple of hours. I will be very grateful for your understanding; I am sure that my grandson or granddaughter will love his grandmother very much. I hope you will justify our trust and will not act behind our backs.”
Even if the mother-in-law violates your requirements, under no circumstances should you forbid her to communicate with the child. But now exclusively in your presence.
What to do if your husband compares you to his mother?
The situation is extremely unpleasant. If your beloved man compares you with your mother-in-law, saying that her chicken soup is better, that she and her three children still managed to keep two cows and ran to work, you should have an explanatory conversation with your spouse.
Firstly, his mother lived in the last millennium, many things were different then than they are now. Children could be allowed to walk around the garden; neighbors would keep an eye on them. There was no need to walk with the stroller: I took it out into the yard, the child was breathing, and the mother was minding her own business. And women loaded themselves with hard work not of their own free will.
Secondly, the time was difficult, it was necessary to survive. In families there was no talk of happiness, harmony, or relaxation. The husband and wife held on to each other in order to somehow exist. Therefore, their life was limited by the primitive division of labor. Now the time is different.
In the 21st century, relationships between spouses, everyday life, and raising children proceed differently. Say that you are very glad that he is like this good son, but you are not his mother. You don't want to be as tired, lonely and unhappy as your mother-in-law. If he wants a wife like his mother, let him return to her.
And since he has chosen you as his wife, then let him accept you as you are. It is unlikely that he will be happy if you start plowing the same way, and at 35 you look like his mother at 53. It is better to offer to help his mother, to save her from hard work. Your husband has grown up, it’s his turn to plow.
But there are also mothers-in-law from whom it is worth learning!
If a woman works for pleasure, manages to do everything and looks great, take an example.
Call and ask her the secret to her chicken soup. And she will be pleased, and her husband will be pleased.
Conclusions: if your mother-in-law interferes with your life, only your wisdom and mutual love with husband. A lot depends on him in this situation. If a man loves you, he will help his two women communicate.
“My mother-in-law doesn’t let us live in peace, she constantly finds fault, sticks her nose into things that aren’t her own. She thinks that I clean, cook, and raise her grandchildren poorly. But the most offensive thing is that she turns my husband against me. I regularly hear that I’m not a match for him.”
The problem of relations between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law has existed for centuries. As soon as the girl reaches adulthood, they begin to frighten her with a “terrible bloodthirsty mother-in-law.” And, it’s true, sometimes you come across such inadequate characters that it would be a sin not to make an action-packed film about them. But more often than not, both sides turn out to be good. In fact, any conflicts are easily explainable, and moreover, solvable.
What is the dispute about?
Quarrels usually begin immediately after the wedding. There is always a reason. What’s remarkable is that they are the same in all families. Among psychologists there is even a top 5 list of such reasons:
And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Over time, verbal arguments lead to serious tension in the relationship. Ultimately, both women begin to harbor burning hatred and deepest resentment for each other. The husband also suffers, he is forced to constantly listen to complaints, demands to punish the offender, etc. His heart is torn, he cannot choose between his mother and his lover and often leaves the family.
Let's look at the problem deeper
Wars between wives and their husbands' mothers have been going on for a very long time. They even came up with their own interpretation of the words “daughter-in-law and “mother-in-law” (“who knows who” and “clotte the blood”). Why is this happening? Where does the mother-in-law's desire to destroy the family come from? Everything is very simple:
What can be done?
Well, if this question arises on initial stage conflicts. In this case, it is still very easy to change the situation. But when grievances accumulate for years, I can say from my own experience that only moving can help. The further the better. If this is not possible, then you need to use other methods:
“It took me 8 years to understand my mother-in-law. It was simply very important for my mother to be in the know, give advice and share her knowledge. And I consciously removed her from our family, which caused her anger and resentment. We eventually stopped arguing when I started asking my mother-in-law for her point of view. I will say that criticism and quarrels in our house have stopped completely.”
Yes, line up a good relationship It can be difficult between births. Different upbringings, values, foundations, you never know the reasons! But the woman who can make friends with her mother-in-law will feel relief and make both families happy.
Vlada, Moscow
I faced the following problem in life. I would really like to hear your advice. The situation is as follows (probably common). I can't build a good relationship with my mother-in-law. Married for three years, have a child.
I love my husband very much, and I think he loves me too. My mother-in-law is a powerful woman, she believes that I should do everything as she tells me, obey her in everything. At first I did just that, but I soon realized that she often demands things that neither I nor my husband like, and generally harms our family.
In general, it seems to me that she is trying to transfer the model of her family to our family, and she thinks I should behave the way she behaves. But this is wrong, I think my husband and I have our own relationship and we ourselves can decide in mutual agreement what is best for us. After all, I am a different person and cannot think like her.
I am a straightforward person, I don’t know how to hide my thoughts and intentions, and that’s why we have constant conflicts. I openly oppose her interventions, which greatly upsets my husband. After all, he dreamed so much that his mother and I would be very friendly! So I’m torn: on the one hand I want peace, but on the other, I also can’t fulfill what these people demand of me. What has not happened in these three years! And scandals, and breaks, and tears.
Everyone is suffering. Constant reproaches from them, resentment, discontent. I’m just afraid of everything: that I might do or say something wrong again. How does this happen: my intentions seem to be good, but the result is disastrous. What is my mistake? I don’t know what to do. Maybe I'm just not the person they need in their family?
From a religious point of view:
First, try to become closer to your mother-in-law: consult with her, constantly emphasize that she is a good mother, kind and good man etc. When she makes a remark or advises something, be sure to listen to her to the end, do not interrupt and do not immediately take hostility to her. Instead, thank her every time she advises you on something.
Do not under any circumstances tell your husband that his mother is bad, that all she does is poison your life, that turns him against you... And especially do not put your spouse before a choice: “Me or her?!”, even indirectly . Since a mother is a mother, and no one can replace her place in the heart of your husband, like any other man, be prepared that the result will most likely not be in your favor.
It's one thing when you disobey your mother-in-law, but it's a completely different matter when it concerns your husband. Even if you are right, you must obey and do as your spouse tells you! For example, if your mother-in-law tells you to do something and your spouse is on her side, i.e. if he tells you: “Do as your mother says,” etc., then you are obliged to carry out the command, no matter how you Neither agreed with this. Shariah gives a wife the right not to obey her husband only in cases where his demand is prohibited by Shariah, if he asks you for something prohibited by Islam.
Of course the best option, if there is such an opportunity, she will move with him somewhere to live separately from her mother-in-law, since she has such a negative impact on the situation in your family.
From a psychological point of view:
The problem raised in your letter occurs quite often, which indicates its relevance and significance. In order to get out of this situation, you must learn to understand your mother-in-law better than she understands herself.
IN in this case you should pay attention to what internal motives push her to take the actions in relation to your family that you write about. The famous Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler pointed out that a person is driven to a greater extent by a sense of his own superiority - in other words, any person wants to be significant. Since these motives are inherent in all of us, we will inevitably stumble upon the fact that our desire for significance will cross the boundaries of the significance of another. It’s like with freedom: our freedom ends where another person’s freedom begins.
In your case, this is exactly the question. Your husband’s mother, who for so many years has become accustomed to being the mistress of her home and an authority figure for her son (after all, children always remain children for their parents), has come across the fact that now someone else (you) is trying to move her from her acquired position. However, we can understand you: who doesn’t want to arrange their life according to their desires and needs! This is what you have at your disposal. The fact is that fighting in this case is the same as deliberately ruining your own family, since none of you wants to give in, therefore, the battle will be until a victorious defeat.
In such cases, you need to organize (and this will fall on your shoulders) interaction so that your mother-in-law has the feeling that everything was done the way she wanted, but in fact it will be done the way you yourself would like. At first glance, this is impossible, but this is only at first glance. In fact, all this is quite simple to organize if you sacrifice a share of your own “I” and moderate your own claims to the role of head of the family.
In practice, it will look like this: for example, your mother-in-law says that green curtains will suit your windows better, while you are convinced that red curtains will suit your windows best. As soon as you speak openly about what you intend to do in your own way, the subtext of the conversation will be something like this: “You have no taste at all. How can you hang such curtains? Naturally, no one will like this and will cause nothing but anger. Therefore, in such situations, you need to OFFER your option, and not assert, and in addition, you need to CONSULT instead of imposing. For example, the same proposal from the mother-in-law regarding curtains can be answered in a completely different way: “Yes, green ones will look good (here we let the interlocutor feel that we respect his opinion), but I think that red ones can also match the color of the sofa. How do you think? (with this question we make it clear that we consider the other person more competent).” It is not necessary, of course, to express the thought in the same form; the principle itself is important. Over time, you will be able to develop your own interaction strategy, from which not only you personally, but also everyone around you will benefit.
In addition, do not allow your spouse to come between you and his mother, because this will be unbearable for him and the choice may not be in your favor.
Muhammad-Amin - Haji Magomedrasulov
theologian
Aliaskhab Anatolyevich Murzaev
psychologist-consultant of the Center social assistance family and children
Natalya Alexandrovna! I don’t know how to continue to survive in this situation, although I understand that if you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards it, but, alas, everything is in vain. The problem is that we have been living with our mother-in-law for 16 years now; ours does not allow us to rent or buy an apartment. financial situation, since we work on a budget, she is alone in a large apartment, but she doesn’t even think about changing, although it is her right/, we have a 14-year-old son. Tired of constant quarrels with her, my husband doesn’t take sides, and two years ago our family almost broke up, God, what efforts it took me to save her, my husband was tired of these problems / or rather intimate life came to naught, thanks to his mother and her jealousy/, a subpoena had already arrived, and he had another with whom he wanted to start a family out of despair. Our mother-in-law is a very powerful woman, she solves problems by talking about them, as is done in normal families with well-mannered smart women, does not make sense, since everything will be made even more unlikely / like, I am the mistress, as I want, it will be in my apartment, and you are nobody, a person considers himself better than others, and everything is owed to him, about mutual respect and speech It can’t be, despite the fact that all these years we have been paying the rent in full for her as well = we have to put up with our daughter’s children, who practically live on weekends/. She tried to eat separately, it was so awkward for her husband, she told her: let’s each pay the rent themselves, why should I pay for it and also feed my nephews / especially since everything that could be given from the house acquired with my father-in-law is already with my daughter , and plus our products can be given to them without asking/, they don’t allow my child to visit them. In general, there are a lot of everyday problems, and only sores on my nerves, it would take a long time to write about everything. Vicious circle. But I feel that his mother will not give us life. I don’t have the strength to endure, but I love my husband and don’t know how to save the family.
Veronica, Russia, 37 years old
Family psychologist's answer:
Hello Veronica.
You began your letter absolutely correctly with the fact that if you cannot change the situation, then you need to change your attitude towards it. You love your husband, but his mother, with her peculiarities, is a burden that has been attached to your husband from the very beginning. It would be good to think about this from the very beginning, and approach living together rationally and carefully. But you let the situation take its course, so you have what you have. According to you, you cannot rent or buy an apartment; apparently, you cannot move to another city either. And your entire letter is actually about your relationship with your mother-in-law. It feels like your relationship with your husband is secondary to what's going on between you and your mother-in-law. Either you and your husband have not been a family for a long time, if everyone is suffering, but do not join forces and do not look for an acceptable solution to this problem. Or this was just your problem from the very beginning. For example, your husband first of all wanted to live with his mother, and only then with his wife, so he did not and does not plan any joint actions to separate from his mother. Those. If the wife can live with her mother, that’s fine; as soon as she can’t, we’ll find another wife. In conclusion, I want to tell you that your marriage is already 16 years old, it’s time to face the truth, and really either accept something as it is (and not as you want), or start acting while something can still be done.
Sincerely, Panfilova Natalya Alexandrovna.
