There are probably those among you who have had to find themselves in a situation where betrayal loved one hurts so much that you can't trust opposite sex becomes completely impossible.
It seemed to many of you that everything was just fine, but you had to distract yourself a little: give birth to a child, defend your diploma, pay attention to your career - and now the ghost of a homewrecker looms on the horizon, who certainly wants to get a priceless treasure.
But you chose the best and most worthy, and if he is caught in treason, what can we say about the other men. Is it possible to restore trust if a man cheated on you? Let's talk today about this painful topic for many.
Numerous Internet resources, newspapers and magazines often publish advice from a psychologist, where, among the reasonable ones, there are also funny recommendations:
- take care of yourself (hairstyle, hairpins);
- repeat to yourself or out loud, like a mantra: men are good;
- get a parrot or a hamster and express your grievances;
- analyze your behavior, do not deny your loved one intimacy and do not bother if your husband comes in the morning, is not sober and does not give clear answers to specific questions.
But in addition to these “effective measures,” I would personally advise you to analyze whether you may be indirectly to blame for his infidelity.
Why do they cheat
No matter how sad it is, they cheat not only on overweight and lazy people, but also on slender, caring wives and successful, sought-after specialists. The reasons are any: from boredom, out of curiosity, because of “momentary weakness.”
In addition, many representatives of the stronger sex are confident that:
- everyone does it;
- will not leave me;
- just think, a tragedy;
- This won't make anyone feel bad.
Just analyze your communication experience. Do you often have heart-to-heart conversations, have you expressed your attitude towards betrayal to your loved one clearly and definitely.
Do you turn to him for advice and support, or do you prefer to rely on the opinions of friends and parents whom you trust more? Maybe, trust relationships there was nothing between you from the very beginning. Speaking of loss of trust, it’s worth understanding what this concept means to you.
In any case, let the person accused of cheating (which may have only taken place in your imagination) speak out. But just be prepared to hear the truth, which will be unpleasant for you. Listening is valuable in relationships. Try to formulate this concept for yourself.
What to do next, how to live further after the betrayal of a loved one, only you decide. Women tend to give their partner another chance so as not to destroy the family. This decision requires fortitude, but truly loving man will appreciate such generosity.
Anyway, straight Talk will bring certainty, and therefore relief. But if, after a difficult conversation, you decide to continue the journey “in the same boat,” try not to become overly suspicious, and do not humiliate either yourself or your partner with petty nagging.
It's a shame to be deceived
However, not all women are able to forgive the humiliation and pain brought by a traitor. Psychologists say that the range of negative emotions is associated with a feeling of shame: you are ashamed to feel deceived.
You cannot forgive yourself for allowing yourself to end up in stupid situation. And in order to avoid a repetition of the situation, you prefer to simply avoid new relationships or continue existing ones.
In theory, the answer to the question of how to start trusting men again comes down to the need to forgive yourself for this mistake. You are a living person and you are not able to live an ideal life, and of course, you can make a mistake about someone.
Perhaps you don't know much about men and that's why you chose the wrong one. Just try to learn how to communicate with men. Nowadays, thanks to the Internet, this is not so difficult.
But in life you shouldn’t avoid communicating with the opposite sex. These are neighbors, work colleagues, anyone. Try, first of all, to just be friends with them. Perhaps by learning to understand men better.
The thankless role of the victim
A big misconception in such situations is the belief that you are now an unfortunate victim who has been deceived and betrayed. This is wrong.
To be happy or not depends only on you. It seems to me that this is the most difficult thing and, alas, not everyone succeeds. Learn to let go of what no longer belongs to you. This is not easy, but it is necessary.
If “your” man met new love, let him be happy with her. Try not to accumulate old grievances, just draw conclusions and move on. Believe me, dragging a train of negative emotions with you is so difficult that it simply will not allow you to move on.
So to learn to trust again stronger sex, I would advise:
- Don't leave the situation unclear. Talk frankly about everything that worries you; perhaps nothing irreparable happened and you misunderstood everything. Rarely, but this also happens, believe me.
- Don't harass a man with excessive suspicion, it's humiliating. Try to be a friend to your lover, respect each other.
- Get rid of the habit of saying: all men are different, just like all women. But everyone, without the slightest exception, wants to be happy.
- Try to learn to just be happy, do what is interesting, enjoy what you like.
- Do not ignore print media and the Internet, where a huge amount of information is published that can help you quickly cope with a difficult situation.
The women I know, after reading the books, began to look at men with different eyes, changed their behavior and attitude, first of all, towards themselves. Having identified the mistakes that led to discord in the relationship, they try not to repeat them and as a result, men call them nothing more than “My Queen.”
The betrayal of a loved one touches to the very core. Many women are faced with the fact of betrayal. Everyone approaches this differently. But there is practically no one who will be indifferent to such a situation. It is important to remember that no matter how painful it is, you can survive everything and start living again.
Should I forgive my husband's betrayal?
This is a very controversial issue. There can be no advice here. Whether or not to forgive betrayal is up to you to decide.
The first reaction, as a rule, is to cross out everything that happened and kick the husband out of the house, forgetting him forever. This behavior is understandable and to some extent justified, but it is not the best option. Women are overly emotional creatures. Exists Great chance the fact that a few days after an angry separation you will want to see your husband and talk, you will begin to get bored.
You definitely need to talk to your spouse, no matter how unpleasant and painful this topic is. Try to understand his motives, find out why he did this.
It may be that you began to neglect yourself, stopped paying attention to your loved one, and got bogged down in everyday routine. Understand that everything has a root cause, it needs to be found out. Also important point will be how much the spouse regrets his actions. Assess his readiness to break off the relationship with his mistress (if it was long-term) and the actions he takes to reconcile with you.
The best advice would be to try to calm down as much as possible and not make any drastic decisions until you cool down a little. This takes time, you need to be prepared for it. Your adequate and balanced reaction will be a big plus and will earn respect from your husband. You may need to take a time out and go somewhere for a week to analyze well and draw adequate conclusions. It’s just very important that you don’t go to your mom or friends for this, and don’t let strangers in on your family difficulties until a final decision is made.
How to restore trust after your husband cheats
If you decide to stay together and maintain the relationship, then be prepared that it will take time to get over everything. Be sure to honestly and calmly share this with your husband. There is no need to reproach him and continue to sort things out. Explain to him that his understanding, attention and care are very important to you now.
At first, you can ask your spouse to call you more often, tell you about his whereabouts during the day, talk more nice words. Just inform him about this unobtrusively, there is no need for an accusatory or commanding tone. Ask to delete all possible contacts with your mistress. Explain how important this is to you. If you decide to start all over again, then there should be no room for reproaches.
Interesting!
A great option would be a joint romantic vacation. A pleasant atmosphere, new emotions, spending time together - all this brings you closer and allows you to look at each other in a new way.
If you can’t go somewhere, then try ordinary life spend more time together. Instead of a standard dinner at home, eat in a cozy restaurant. Walk together more often, try to make more contact, communicate, talk. You need to become interesting to each other again. Remember how it all began, what you were like. Getting bogged down in the everyday moments of family life, we often forget about those pleasant emotions with which it all began, but it is so important to maintain them, even years later.
How to get rid of the fear that cheating will happen again
To think less about possible betrayal, you need to occupy yourself with something and distract your thoughts. There are many ways to do this: work, sports, self-care, a new hobby, meeting friends, etc.
It is important to start improving yourself and stop filling your head with obsessive thoughts. Start developing, read books, do yoga. The most important thing is to start working with your self-esteem, which is traumatized after betrayal. The change in image lifts her up beautifully.
Try to plan your day as productively as possible so that you always have time for yourself. Start appreciating, loving and caring for yourself. A well-groomed woman who knows her worth will always be interesting to her husband. When he sees your self-sufficiency and confidence, he will not want to look at other girls.
Read more books. Good and varied literature will make you more spiritually developed, you will become interesting conversationalist, you can always maintain a conversation and tell something new. Development should be both external and internal. The more you invest in yourself, the higher your value becomes, primarily for yourself.
If you are unable to cope with your emotions and nothing helps, then consult a psychologist. The help of a professional will be useful in a difficult situation and will help you cope with mental pain faster.
There are techniques and practices aimed at working through and correctly experiencing emotions in order to subsequently let them go and forget them. If necessary, you can go to the appointment together with your husband. Just gently ask him about it and explain the importance of this for you without an accusatory tone. A partner who is interested and wants to restore the family will definitely make concessions.
In any case, it is important to realize that only working on yourself and your worldview will help you survive everything. Constantly replaying a painful situation, spying on your husband, and eternal suspicion will not change anything positively, but, on the contrary, will make you nervous, restless and suspicious.
At first, the husband will endure all this out of guilt, but sooner or later he will begin to get tired of this and move away. Understand that you cannot be insured against everything in this life; anything can happen. But this does not mean at all that you need to wait for negative events to repeat. This may never happen at all, and a lot of effort, energy and time will be wasted on excessive suspicion and nerves.
Video on the topic
Hello. Christina, help me please. give some free advice on how you can stop being jealous of your husband (unfortunately, there is no money to buy your paid course). The fact is that my husband cheated on me, but now he swears that he loves only me and doesn’t want to be anyone else. I REALLY WANT TO TRUST HIM, BUT I AM CONSTANTLY JEALOUS about him going somewhere, talking to someone, it seems to me like he’s talking to her, going to see her, etc. Maybe there are some exercises, some words to start believing him? What should I do? I really want to save our family. I’m 27 years old, he is too, and we have a 4-month-old son.
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Lena, hello
Very difficult question. Before I answer it, I want to say that betrayal by a loved one is one of the most painful experiences. And this is the wound from which the scar remains for life. Unfortunately it is so.
This doesn't mean it's impossible to build relationships. This means that your relationship with your husband will never be the same.
And recognizing and accepting this fact is the first step towards healing a relationship after cheating.
Imagine that a person, for example, has a fairly complex leg fracture. The doctors provided him with the necessary assistance, applied a plaster cast, and then carried out all the necessary recovery procedures.
And of course the leg grew together. And the person can walk. And even play sports.
But. The fracture site still makes itself felt. Aching pain when the weather changes. Sudden acute pain during heavy exertion, etc.
In addition, for a long time after the fracture, the leg must be taken care of and a certain regime must be followed.
Our soul is restored in the same way after serious wounds have been inflicted on it.
For a wound to heal, it requires care, attention, and of course time.
And even after that, the scar remains.
And the only thing we can do is to know our scars and, if possible, protect these places from re-traumatization.
What does this look like in practice?
First. You need to “turn your face” to your pain from your husband’s betrayal. DO NOT run away from her. Don't run away from your feelings caused by betrayal. And these are very difficult feelings: anger, rage, resentment, accusation, jealousy, etc.
What does it mean to “turn your face”?
This does not mean experiencing these feelings all the time. This means recognizing them. Yes, they are. And they are natural in this situation.
A good exercise for acknowledging feelings is keeping a diary of your feelings. Every day 15-20 min. write about your feelings.
That is, it is necessary allowing yourself to experience these feelings.
Second. Talk to your husband about your feelings and experiences. And besides this, tell him what he can do or say to make you feel better.
He is guilty before you (despite all psychological fidelity statements that betrayal is always an unconscious agreement of both partners).
And he also feels guilty.
Therefore, if you tell your husband how specifically he can redeem her, you will thereby help both him and yourself.
But in order to tell this to your husband, you must first determine within yourself how your husband can “make amends” for his guilt. What words should you say? What actions should I take? Most likely it is many, many words and actions. That is, by analogy with a broken leg, you need to establish such a recovery regime for yourself after an injury. During which you receive much more attention and care from yourself and others than in ordinary life.
And one last point.
I already wrote above that Cheating always happens as a result of the interaction of BOTH partners.
Of course, these are unconscious processes. Nobody in their right mind wants the person they love to cheat. But our unconscious has its own logic and its own desires. AND sometimes betrayal is the only defense against something more terrible (according to the logic of our unconscious).
And this “something more terrible” is often real intimacy with the Other.
Intimacy that forces us to drop all our defenses and remain completely vulnerable in the face of the Other person.
And this is often very scary (again, on an unconscious level).
And then it is necessary to somehow avoid this proximity. And betrayal may be just one of these ways.
These processes are even more activated at the birth of a child. When a couple has a child (especially their first), both parents experience a reactivation of their own childhood traumas. And it's very difficult period for spouses.
Infidelity, cooling in relationships, etc. very often happen here.
Often a man experiences his wife’s “switching” to a child as betrayal on her part. And in retaliation, he also cheats. But with a real woman.
Therefore, in order to restore the relationship, you need to talk a lot, a lot with your husband. Ask about his experiences, about his internal states. About his desires.
Try to look at your husband as a separate Other World. Which is completely different from yours.
And inside this world there live a lot of experiences, fears, hopes, desires. Which you cannot find out about except by asking your husband directly. And hear his answer.
For more information on how to cope with jealousy and stop being jealous, watch the video course
There are few married couples who have lived their entire lives in love and fidelity. Sooner or later, spouses are faced with the fact that a third person comes between them - the husband’s mistress or the wife’s lover. And it happens that each spouse acquires an extramarital partner.
Despite the fact that divorce is by no means a rare occurrence in our society, cheating is not very often the reason for divorce. Spouses, especially wives, are trying to save their families. Some do not want to separate their children from their father or be separated from them themselves, others love their unfaithful spouse and do not want to lose him, and still others are afraid of being left alone. The motive for saving seven is a lot. But in almost every case the question of mistrust arises. It gnaws at you and forces you to do stupid things that poison your life. Therefore, if a woman decides to forgive the betrayal and continue to live in marriage, she needs to know how to learn to trust her husband after the betrayal.
How to move on after your husband cheated?
After your husband’s betrayal, the most important thing is not to return to it again and again in your thoughts. Every new day is exactly a new day, this is today. And what happened was yesterday. Living in yesterday is unproductive and contrary to the law of nature. You can only move forward, otherwise the meaning of movement is lost. My husband is back, and that’s good. Now you need to build new relationships with him, and not go through the old ones. For some reason, no one wants to wear old, worn-out clothes with unwashable stains, but many people like to try on the image of the offended, abandoned, deceived over and over again and irritate their wounds. The memories cannot go away, but you need to learn to filter them.
Another point is that you don’t need to please your husband in every possible way after cheating. Of course, we need to take into account the reasons why the husband turned “left” and strive to eliminate them, but it is completely unnecessary to spread a Persian carpet at the feet of the master. The carpet has a place at the feet, and the woman has a place next to her husband. Not in front, not behind, not above, not below - in modern society such excesses lead to a lack of understanding.
We need to stop complaining. The husband already knows how hard his wife experienced his betrayal. Probably, the parents of one of the parties or both, friends, are aware. Why complain to them again and again about your own inability to abstract from the source of pain?
There is no need to wait for lost trust to return on its own. It doesn't happen that way. Trust is a very subtle thing and does not arise out of nowhere. The wife needs to remember how she began to trust her husband at the very beginning of their relationship, when he was not yet a husband. These are exactly the memories that are pleasant and beneficial. Now is the time to refresh them.
Thoughts like “what if he cheats again” must be driven away. Moreover, do not discuss this option with your husband. For a husband, if he loves his wife and wants to maintain a relationship with her, his betrayal can serve as a good lesson on the topic “how important it is to restrain your impulses.” You should not form a stable image of a new betrayal in his head.
It is very important to stop thinking about what makes a woman unhappy. This is not only the betrayal that happened, but in general, anything: an unloved job, a rude colleague, a scratched car, a rent debt. Instead, you need to concentrate on eliminating these troubles. Build a relationship with your husband in which thoughts of infidelity will not arise. You can change your job if you undergo retraining, retraining or improve your qualifications and change the position of a line worker to the position of a manager. Knowledge from books and video lectures on conflict management and psychology will help to establish relationships in a team. Well, the car will be repaired in any workshop. Yes, and you can pay off debt if you moderate your spending on unnecessary purchases or work more.
It is very important to determine your life principles and build your life in accordance with them. Knowing what you really want will tell you how to build relationships and with whom, what to demand from yourself and what to ask from others. In family life, knowing each other’s fundamental positions will save a lot of nerves and reduce the number of disagreements.
How to build a relationship with your husband?
Offer him, instead of the woman he cheated on, a woman who needs to be conquered. Men are greedy for two things - external beauty and what others need. Here some kind of instinct kicks in, which is why husbands from pious wives sometimes go out with women who lead a riotous lifestyle and change lovers.
Until the age of 20-25, a woman looks the way nature intended her, unless, of course, she has bad habits and health problems. An older woman looks the way she wants. Therefore, instead of eating bitterness male infidelity chocolates and cakes, you should take care of your appearance: join a gym or buy a home exercise machine and train excess weight; change your hairstyle and, if necessary, hair color; perform epilation and skin cleansing; stop overeating and gradually switch to healthy eating– it’s much cheaper and healthier; update or go through your wardrobe and throw away all the things of the “wrong” size, color and style. This way, the very necessary visual age will be created for the husband.
As for the second point - the demand of a woman by other men, then you need to approach it wisely. It would be nice to tie it up friendly relations with colleagues, hobby partners, but it is important not to create the image of an easily accessible woman. This can greatly complicate your relationship with your husband.
You need to be constantly interesting. Many books, lectures, and training videos that are posted on the Internet for free will help with this. It is advisable to make a couple of points of contact between your own interests and the interests of your husband, look at some records with him or discuss news in an area of interest to him. You and your husband need to not only live in the same territory and sex life. A husband can become a reliable friend, and this is worth striving for. Love passes over time, this is an axiom. But friendship and tenderness remain and preserve the marriage.
If previously conflicts often arose with your husband, then it is worth turning to family psychologist. If these conflicts previously led to infidelity, then someday they will cause divorce. And besides, no one wants to live with constant background grumbling. A professional psychologist will help you get rid of many habits that are harmful to relationships - nagging, criticizing, being offended, causing scandals and throwing tantrums.
If you have a quarrel with your husband, you should not react violently or with offense to his criticism. You need to learn from criticism, because it is something that can help you become better. In any comment, even the seemingly unfair one, there is some truth that is worth listening to.
You should never, in the heat of a heated quarrel, accuse your husband of cheating. This fact should be forgotten and banished from memory, and not serve as the final argument when the arguments end.
As for the mistress, there is no need to remember her either, even if she was a friend of the wife or a colleague of the husband. She never existed, she is an abstraction, a mirage, a fiction. Only such an attitude towards her will allow a man to pass by her and look through her, without indulging in memories of a fleeting sexual connection with her.
Trust issues after cheating
To trust your husband again, you need to believe his words. If he sincerely repents of his actions, promises to control his desires under any circumstances, claims that his feelings for his mistress are not the basis for his betrayal, then, most likely, there is no reason not to believe him. Over time, trust can be regained as you build a new, strong relationship with your husband.
If the spouse convinces that there is nothing so terrible in his action, that all men are polygamous, that for him this is just entertainment, and he only loves his wife, you should not believe him. These are the arguments of a womanizer, a womanizer who will continue to cheat on his wife in the future. Life with him will never be calm, and when he is not at home, the wife will begin to be tormented by suspicions, and the imagination will helpfully slip in a picture in which the husband will be with his mistress.
Therefore, before deciding whether to trust your husband after cheating, you must first of all proceed from the personality of the husband himself.
