The Optina elders cared for not only the monastics. They did not leave worldly people without spiritual guidance. Often their advice concerned family life and raising children - what constitutes the main part of life in the world.
The venerable confessor Nikon wrote that every type of Christian life has its own virtues and activities:
“The affairs of those with whom we have a different way of life are inaccessible to us. For example, mother having infants , cannot go to church every day for all services and pray for a long time at home. This will result not only in embarrassment, but even sin if, for example, in the absence of a mother, a child without supervision cripples himself or does pranks when he grows up. She cannot completely renounce her property for the sake of personal achievement, for she is obliged to support and feed her children. She is obliged to please God with deeds characteristic of her: enduring the hardships of family life, doing all she can to pray, doing alms, teaching and raising children, keeping fasts, going to church on holidays, staying away from grumbling, gossip, etc. "
At all The Optina elders highly valued pious family life. The Monk Nektarios assessed the fate of a woman to be a wife and mother:
« Marriage for a woman is a service to the Holy Trinity... this is how great for a woman is her destiny to be a wife and mother».
How to get married
The elders gave advice on how to get married.
The Monk Leo usually advised those who asked for a blessing for marriage to carefully consider all favorable or unfavorable circumstances. For example, pay attention to “that both the bride and groom are healthy and that they have something to live with; so that rank does not differ sharply from rank and that there is little difference in years or age.”
At the same time, the elder repeated the simplest old proverb: “Know the boot of a boot, and the bast shoe of a bast shoe.” In addition, he instructed those asking about choosing a groom to pay attention to the properties of his father, and those asking about choosing a bride to pay attention to the properties of his mother. At the same time, he used to say: “An apple will not travel far from an apple tree.”
Finally, he advised the bride and groom and their parents to look at their hearts during fervent prayer. If, at the last decision to marry, the bride and groom and their parents began to feel peace of mind, then the elder advised them to decide on such a marriage. Otherwise, if there was doubt, unaccountable fear, anxiety and embarrassment, then the elder would say that this was an unfavorable sign and advised them to look for another groom or another bride. This was Elder Leo’s general advice to everyone.
But he himself, according to the foresight given to him by God, sometimes taught advice that was dissimilar to human opinions and considerations. One day a poor man came to the elder and, explaining that three suitors were wooing his daughter - a tradesman, a factory worker and a wealthy villager, asked him which of them to give him his daughter to. Father Lev advised him to give it up for a villager, saying that it would be more satisfying here. Following this, a hungry year came, after which the bride’s father came to thank the elder for advising him to give his daughter to a peasant who fed him during a time of hunger, adding that the tradesman and the factory worker themselves almost died of hunger. And besides the satiety, it was a happy marriage.
The Monk Ambrose advised not to rush into the matter of marriage, but to consider it from all sides with reasoning:
“It also doesn’t hurt to take a good look at and get to know the very person with whom you are thinking of finding worldly well-being. In addition to his own properties, consider both his very position and the very circumstances surrounding him. All this taken together is of great importance. As some have noted, sometimes favorable and unfavorable properties are expressed in the very name of people.”
And here is more advice from Elder Ambrose to those wishing to get married.
“You ask my sinful advice and blessing to enter into a legal marriage with the bride you have chosen. If you are healthy and she is healthy, you like each other and the bride is of trustworthy behavior and the mother has a good, meticulous character, then you can marry her.”
“If the son is healthy and has not promised to become a monk and wants to get married, then it’s possible - God bless. And to be more humble, then look. If the mother of the bride is humble, then the bride should be humble, because according to the old proverb: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
Then, the elder said, we can hope for the happiness of the newlyweds. The elder did not approve of the great inequality of years, from which sorrows could arise later. Some seniority can still be allowed in a man, but in a woman it can be the cause of many sorrows. The elder did not approve of marriages of passion, because when passions subside, love may disappear. He did not approve of marriage between persons of different religions: husband and wife, constituting one body, must also be spiritually united.
About married life, about family relationships, about raising children
The Optina elders gave many instructions about married life, about family relationships, about raising children.
The Monk Leo advised his spiritual daughter in case of any disagreement with your mother, and even more so if you offend her, quickly ask for forgiveness:
“When you happen to upset your mother in some way, then quickly fall at her laborious feet, who worked hard for your upbringing, and ask for forgiveness. As soon as you are forced, your conscience will be relieved in every possible way and your enemy the devil will be put to shame!”
The Monk Macarius taught accept with humility and self-reproach everything that happens, especially from your parents:
“Accept with self-reproach and humility no matter what happens, and especially from the parents with whom you are now. “Honor your father and your mother,” the Lord commanded (Ex. 20:12), and natural and civil law command us to do this. The great blessing of parents brings benefit to children, for it brings down God’s blessing on them.”
Reverend Ambrose reminded of the need teach children to more often protect themselves with the sign of the cross, which has great power and saved many from great troubles and dangers:
“Centuries-established experience shows that the sign of the cross has great power over all human actions throughout the course of his life. Therefore, it is necessary to take care to instill in children the custom of protecting themselves with the sign of the cross more often, and especially before eating and drinking, going to bed and getting up, before leaving, before going out and before entering somewhere, and so that children do not make the sign of the cross carelessly or in a fashionable way. , but with precision, starting from the forehead to the chest and on both shoulders, so that the cross comes out correctly. Protecting oneself with the sign of the cross saved many from great troubles and dangers.”
Elder Ambrose also taught how to act in order to avoid disagreements between spouses regarding raising children. He responded to a letter with a similar question like this:
“...in case of disagreement, it is better to either evade and leave, or show as if you did not listen, but do not argue about your different views in front of children.”
The Monk Barsanuphius instructed parents to raise their children in Orthodox faith, reminded mothers that their words have creative power, since they come from the depths of the heart:
“The fact that my son doesn’t go to church can also be fixed. Just tell him, I say, that he needs to go to church. A word, although simple, said from the heart, has a strong influence on a person, and smart words, but not spoken from the heart, are worth nothing. It's the same as standing near a window and blowing into the window against the wind: what's the benefit? The mother's words have creative power, since they, of course, come from the very depths of the heart; The word of the spiritual father also has great power.”
Elder Barsanuphius also explained that a woman cannot live without faith, and advised wives to strive to attract their husbands to the Lord:
“A woman cannot live without faith. Either she, after temporary disbelief, again returns to faith in God, or she begins to quickly decompose. A man is another matter: he can live without faith. He will become completely petrified, become a pillar of salt—that’s how he lives, petrified, but a woman can’t do that.”
“And you, wives, should strive to attract your husbands to the Lord and thereby save your souls and theirs. In all sorrows, run with faith to the Savior; He will never leave you. Indeed, faith works miracles.”
The Monk Barsanuphius warned about how Curses in the family can be destructive, how dangerous it is to curse anyone or even anything. The elder cited the following story as an example:
“The characteristic feature of some saints - to invite guests, welcome them cordially and treat them - was also noticed by the Right Reverend Athanasius. He loved to invite guests over on holidays. That's what happened once.
After mass, he immediately comes home from church with the guests. After drinking tea and having a few conversations with the guests, the bishop invited them to have lunch. Having ordered the cell attendant to serve dinner, he and the guests sat down at the table. They serve huge, perfectly cooked pike. Having looked at this, the bishop says: “You can’t eat it: it’s cursed.” Everyone looked at the Eminence somewhat surprisingly. “It’s cursed, you can’t eat it,” the bishop repeated. He calls the cell attendant and orders her to be removed from the table. He doesn't even dare to remove it.
Then the Reverend orders the cook to be called. He comes. The Bishop looks at him and, noticing his tied finger, asks him: “What’s wrong with your finger?” - “I cut it by accident, holy lord.” - “What did you say?” - “Forgive me, sir, I said: for you to be... I said it wrong...” - “Well, you see, now you can’t eat it. Throw this one away, and the other one needs to be prepared.”
You see, even the curse of a simple human cook has such a powerful effect...
The cook's curse produced some changes in the fish, which the bishop noticed with his discerning eyes. As a result of these changes, it became impossible to eat fish. This explains why in the richest houses in the world the most expensive dishes do not have the taste that we feel in our sour cabbage soup: there it is done without prayer, with swearing and curses, but in our monastery with prayer and blessing.”
About quarrels and grievances
Nowadays, marriages often break up, the number of divorces is huge. The Optina elders taught forgive each other mistakes and insults, cover them with love.
Reverend Leo advised at family quarrel use all means to achieve reconciliation, for this is acceptable in the sight of God:
“You, being double-minded and confused in your thoughts, ask whether you should write to your husband or not. To this I answer: first of all, delve well into the depths of your heart and consider yourself - what is your relationship to it: are you peaceful or not, have you given reasons for breaking your marital ties, etc.? And if you find any of these within you, then use all means for reconciliation - this is acceptable before God. Even if you were right, but through your humility you make peace with him and acquire him, if not for yourself, but for God, then, without delaying time, proceed to this, and the Lord will not leave you.”
It is interesting that the elder advised his wife to be the first to try to reconcile, and in another case he advised the husband, as the “first person,” to be the first to initiate reconciliation:
“I saw the disorder in your family and, given the extreme weakness of my health, my soul ached about your situation. But I ask and pray, most venerable Foma Nikitich, since you occupy an imaginary primacy, then be the first to begin to pronounce the word more complacently and more favorably, not with the spirit of zealous pride, but with the spirit of humility and meekness. And in this way God is strong and almighty to correct your affairs, mental and physical, and to establish peace, quiet and tranquility in your home.”
Thus, the elder taught both spouses to humble themselves, inviting the wife to remember humility, and the husband, as the head of the family, to be the first to begin reconciliation with the spirit of humility and meekness. It turns out that the Monk Leo taught both spouses to yield to each other, remembering each of his own: for the wife - about obedience to her husband, for the husband - about the ability to yield to the strong to the weak.
About patience in family life
Reverend Anthony reminded about patience in family life, taught to surrender ourselves completely to the will of God, and if a husband or wife seems not good enough, then think about whether we are truly worthy of good, ideal spouses, whether we ourselves are ideal:
“Peace of mind is acquired from complete devotion to the will of God, without which nothing would happen to us. And if your husband really was not good, then ask yourself in conscience before God: “Am I, a sinner, worth good and good husband? And your conscience will certainly say that you are absolutely not worth anything good, and then in humility of heart, with submission to the will of God, you will love him from the heart and find a lot of good things that you have not seen before. Although it is not difficult in today’s wise times to dissolve a marriage because of frivolity and inexperience, what will it be like to answer at the Last Judgment of God? For God Himself unites man in marriage; and therefore judge for yourself which is better - patience or impatience!
About unanimity and love in the family St. Anthony spoke of the mercy of God:
“Reading your writings and seeing from them about your unanimity with your dearest friend and mutual love for each other, I heartily rejoiced at this and thanked the Lord God, who crowned you with His rich mercy, that is, unanimity and love; for it is very rightly said that when a husband and wife get along well, they will not need a treasure.”
The Monk Macarius reminded that When there are quarrels in the family, you must first reproach yourself- without this, those quarreling will not receive any peace:
“It is very regrettable to hear about troubles between close relatives... and in our dispensation, without self-reproach, no matter how much you advise, those who quarrel do not receive peace, and they have no idea that they need to reproach themselves - they only see guilt in their neighbor.”
Sometimes the Optina elders were asked to pray about assistance in childbirth, with all sorts of concerns about the birth of children. Elder Ambrose responded to such a letter:
“There is an Orthodox tradition that in these cases they resort to the Mother of God, after the name of the icon - Theodorovskaya. Exchange or write for yourself this icon, the celebration of which occurs twice a year on March 14 and August 16. If you wish, you can perform a home vigil in the evening before these days, and on the very day - a prayer service with an akathist to the Mother of God. If you are diligent, you can do this at other times as you wish. You can daily pray to the Queen of Heaven yourself, reading to Her at least twelve times a day “Rejoice, Virgin Mary,” even with bows from the waist. Read the kontakion to Her the same number of times: “There are no imams of other help, no imams of other hope, except for You, the Lady. Help us, we rely on You and boast in You, for we are Your servants, let us not be ashamed.”
About drunkenness
Big trouble for the family - drunkenness. The Monk Leo wrote about this:
“This passion is tolerated either for pride and arrogance, or for a violation of conscience against holy matrimony, then it is necessary... firstly, you must be forced to humble yourself in every possible way or make a confession and truly repent before a skilled confessor, and then the Lord will help.”
The elder strictly addressed his spiritual child in a letter, advising and even ordering him to stop drinking:
“God grant that piety will be established in your home and you will stop taking glasses to celebrate. We know, and the Russian proverb says: “Drinking to the bottom is not good.” I advised and ordered you, as a spiritual father, to stop drinking - bad, very bad. You will get yourself into trouble, you will end up in bondage; Otherwise, brother, I’ll have to put you in monastic prostration, so that I can pray to my namesake saint, Saint Nicholas, to excommunicate you from drunkenness.”
Elder Ambrose taught pray for the drinker to Saint John, the Baptist of the Lord, and the martyr Boniface:
“You write that your husband is excessively devoted to drinking wine... with faith and zeal, pray for him to Saint John, the Baptist of the Lord, and the martyr Boniface, so that the All-Good Lord, through the prayers of His saints, would turn him away from the path of destruction, which is the message of fate, and return him to the path of a sober, abstinent life."
The Optina elders also answered specific questions and gave spiritual advice in various family circumstances. These tips are still applicable today, as spiritual wisdom never becomes obsolete.
About property disputes with relatives The Monk Ambrose wrote the following:
“...place all your hope in God, who through His all-good Providence arranges everything that is useful to us. Guide yourself with the same thought in relation to your relatives. If the Lord tells them, they will return what you owe, although not all; and if they don’t give it back, then it’s better to accept from strangers than to quarrel with your own. As for their own benefit, leave that to them: let everyone act according to their own discretion.”
“At present, many live according to the flesh and do not seek spiritual joy. What do they want to achieve first of all? Firstly, wealth. Then - glory. To achieve this, nothing is neglected. The Lord said: “Because iniquity will increase, the love of many will fail” (Matthew 24:12). Most people have wandered away from Christ. People of this century call people who do not share their views backward, impractical... I sometimes ask visitors:
– Do you have children?
“Of course,” they answer, “sons and daughters.”
– How do you want to arrange their fate?
– Yes, so: I want to see my son as an engineer, he himself has an inclination towards this; daughters married to rich and noble people.
- And you think they will be happy?
- Certainly! - they answer with confidence, but they don’t think about how to try to get their children to gain Christ. They say that money can buy everything. Yes, indeed, although not everything, a lot can be bought for money, but Christ cannot be bought for any of the treasures of the world. And without Christ there is no life, no salvation.”
Olga Rozhneva
Holy Fire
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How to raise your children to be good Christians? What will help in education? How to pray for children and what to teach them? The answers to these questions are given by the Svyatogorsk ascetics.
The elder said:
- Prayer is trust in God. When you completely trust God with something, there is no need to even pray, because God Himself takes this “something” into His hands. All that remains is to wait patiently for the fruit to ripen and fall. Therefore, parents, entrust your children to God. Because you created their flesh, and God created their soul. Therefore, God must take care of them.
The elder said:
- A child needs a lot of guidance and a lot of love. A man gives his own flesh to a child. God puts his soul into him. When a child grows up, parents are no longer responsible for him. God gives every person a Guardian Angel who helps him throughout his life. So, shouldn't we entrust ourselves to God? Help your children up to a certain point, and then entrust them to God. Guardian Angel is next to them.
Someone will say: An angel leaves when a person gives room to temptation. This is true, but Angel does not lose hope. He follows at a distance, and God, although He sees that we have strayed from the true path, through His Angel tries to put a good thought into us.
Let us not move away from God, because this causes sorrow. Let us think that the Guardian Angel works diligently throughout our lives, trying to instill in us a good thought, and when someone sins, the Angel experiences pain and sorrow, for he has to return to God empty-handed... Oh, even to think about it hurt! And for this reason alone, one should not move away from God, that is, transgress His commandments.
It happens that Angels, with little or even no difficulty, transfer a person’s soul to God, and sometimes - after a lot of work, with torment, with pain, they return to God with nothing! This is very sad. Think about it. We must have at least a little jealousy. For this reason, it is only worth struggling so as not to injure your Guardian Angel.
Many people have seen their Angel. Once you see it, you won't want anything else! When little children laugh, they see their Guardian Angels. You must teach little children to pray because God hears them. But for prayer to enter their heart, it must be heartfelt, and if it is not like that, it is of no benefit. As much as you can, teach your children good things now, while they are little, so that they too understand what the most important meaning of life is.
One experienced ascetic gave visitors good advice about raising children:
I really regret my father’s oversight, because I first went to confession with my confessor only at the age of 18. The child has reached 6-7 years old - that’s it, we take him to the confessor... Therefore, when you return home from the Holy Mountain, begin to monitor your children, educate them in the faith, protect them, first of all, of course, with prayer.
Pray for your children, as righteous Job did. Pray like this: “Most Holy Theotokos, protect my children, save them, help me, Most Holy Lady.” Make a cross, sing some troparion to the Mother of God for your children.
And watch them: where they go at night, with whom they keep company, for bad communities corrupt good morals. Your child may be good, but another is corrupt and may have a detrimental influence on him.
Published based on the book of Archimandrite Ioannikios (Kotsonis) “The Athos Fatherlander”
I participated several times in various programs - television and radio, in which the question of raising children was raised. And in one case, the question proposed for discussion sounded quite fundamental: to beat or not to beat if the child does not obey.
I decided to consult with my dad ( Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko, who raised 12 children), and he told me: “Keep in mind that beating in itself did not teach anyone anything, children need to be loved.”
I remember that my confessor, Father Vladimir Vorobyov, has repeatedly said and continues to say that if a parent in the “process of education” loses self-control, allows himself to shout at the children, and even more so, to beat them, then the effect of this will be, and not immediately noticeable . But this effect will be opposite to parental expectations.
The child will begin to be afraid, will begin to try to avoid parental anger, and, having neither physical nor moral strength, to resist the authority of an adult, will take advantage of what is available to him - will begin to deceive.
And on the contrary, if raising children is based on love, if children feel this love, then the reluctance to upset loving person will be so great that an adult will not need to scream or lose his temper.
This is the main one general principle, without which, it seems to me, it is generally useless to talk about education.
As for specific cases of disobedience, everything here works depending on the specific situation.
Here I sit, talking mobile phone, and my eldest, 15-year-old son brought me a landline phone and said: “They’re asking for you.” It is clear that I will be strict: I assume that at the age of 15 a child is able to understand that if an adult is talking on the phone, then there is no need to disturb him by asking him to talk on another phone at the same time. He is also able to answer that dad is currently talking on his cell phone and offer to call back later.
But here’s another situation, this time with a baby: the child puts his fingers into the socket. It is clear that you should not lecture him at this time, watching as he gets an electric shock. It’s enough to hit him on the hand, and he will understand better than any words or notations at this age that you can’t do that.
This, by the way, does not fall into the “beat” category. You just need to act quickly and clearly in this emergency situation. Just if for a child such parental behavior is extraordinary and not usual, he will understand that he has done something out of the ordinary.
Calm, just calm
As I already said, the most important thing for parents is to maintain inner peace. This is what my parents taught me as a child by example and what I still cannot truly achieve.
You cannot attack a child shouting: “Don’t you dare do that again!” - he will hear nothing but our aggression.
Love, as a certain basis, consistency of requirements, inflexibility in their fulfillment are the basic principles of education.
And also respect. My parents always treated their children with great respect and great trust. In a large family, as a rule, it is difficult to live closely, with personal physical space, and the more valuable, it seems to me, is respect for internal personal space, for freedom.
Most of all in children's adolescence I valued the trust I had with my parents. I was not an exemplary child in my behavior, but fearing the loss of parental trust and the internal freedom given to me, I managed not to commit any irreversible actions.
But the merit in this is not mine, but of the confessor and parents, who knew how not to interfere, to leave freedom of choice where it was useful, that is, in most cases, and to say a tough, definite “no” where it needed to be done.
Not having the meek character of my father, the humility of my confessor, being an explosive, proud and harsh person, I try to minimize my managerial and commanding participation in the lives of children.
But in this sense, the Lord saves me by the fact that all these shortcomings of mine are compensated by the merits of my wife, who knows how to be soft, calm, patient with all these children: with five schoolchildren, one older preschooler, three babies, including a baby.
She knows how to deal with everyone, meet, conduct, do homework correctly, send them to help in the kitchen, take one to class, meet another, be a dispatcher, educator, after-school group teacher, teacher, help repeat again, go over again the material that they didn't understand.
But, nevertheless, I try to adhere to the principle of respect and internal freedom with children. This is especially important when the child reaches adolescence and pre-teenage. I see how important it is for a child that I trust him, consider him responsible, and he tries, like I once did, to justify this trust.
Holidays are the hardest
The school year is a difficult time, but the most difficult time for a large family is the holiday period. Having gathered together in a fairly limited space, children turn into some kind of grenade that can explode at any moment. Because energetic individuals are suddenly left without some such life-defining activity: without going to school, music and sports classes.
So children, especially if there are a lot of them, need to be occupied both during the holidays and during school year. So that this children's energy goes away usefully and in the right direction.
So that children absorb and master the information, abilities, skills that are necessary at this particular age. So that later, when they take the first step into adult life Whether they graduate from school and receive higher education or choose a different path for themselves, they would have the most important baggage. Not just erudition, which is not bad, but the ability to work, the understanding that in life the most important thing is often the concept of “should” and not “want”.
From the early age The child needs to be taught that there are not only “I want”, but also “I must” and “I cannot.”
If a small child says to me demandingly, for example: “I want a car!”, I explain that I don’t understand the word “I want”, but I understand “Can I please?”
While the child is small, all his hooting, his first words, the way he whimpered and everyone rushed to him - this causes tenderness. But it’s one thing to carry a baby in your arms, another thing to carry a grown-up child - then you’ll break your back.
So in raising children, some sobriety is important: what is allowed to a “hooking” baby is no longer allowed to an older child who walks, talks, and is responsible for himself within certain limits.
Here you can explain to him and demand something. For example: “You can’t talk like that, and I won’t listen to you until you speak normally. Walk out the door, when you calm down, then come back.” That is, an appeal to a certain limited choice: either you stay here and we communicate calmly, or you scream, but behind the door. When you get tired, come back.
Clarity and limited space
Clarity of requirements is important for children - my dad tells me about this all the time. We need to convey to the child that there are things that cannot be done, this is unacceptable in our family, because this is a tradition and the norm of life, this is part of our worldview. Therefore, this is possible, but this is not.
Father Vladimir Vorobyov has said more than once that a child is designed in such a way that he cannot live in some open space, his space must be limited. And it is limited from the moment of birth - to diapers, then to a crib, a stroller, a playpen, an apartment. Then - the yard, but only next to my mother, grandmother, brothers, sisters.
Then he grows up, starts going to school, his space is limited to school, post-school education, and again, to home. The same restrictions are needed in behavior.
It is impossible to raise a child only by appealing to his prudence. For example, put a box of chocolates in front of him and say: “You only need to eat one candy, then everything will be fine. If you eat a lot of sweets, you’ll ruin your teeth and get a stomach ache.” He will sincerely say: “I know that this is impossible, I understand why it is bad.” Then we will leave, leaving him alone with this temptation, and he, due to his childhood, will not be able to overcome it. We will be to blame for this, not the child.
Yes, you need to respect the child’s personality, but you cannot build one-level relationships, because an adult and a child are still at different levels - knowledge, experience. No adequate parent will leave a child in permissiveness: they will take the knife out of the child’s hands and make sure that he does not gouge out his eye with scissors...
But attempts to build an equal relationship with a child in a bad sense, it seems to me, cripple him. They must be equal precisely in respect of human dignity. But they cannot be equal between parent and infant, because this means either assuming that the infant can be responsible for himself in the same way as an adult, or reducing himself to the level of an infant. But in both cases we are talking about an inadequate attitude to the situation.
Brothers and sisters
In my parents’ family, my father, among other things, regulated the relationships between the children by firmly following the rule - “the whip comes first to the informer.” Snitching was not encouraged. First of all, he scolded those who tell lies and completely weaned us off this.
Even in my parents’ family, and now in my family, we adhere to the principle that in a dispute between elders and younger ones, the elders should still give in.
It is clear that within certain limits. If youngest child trying to take away porcelain doll older girl, it is clear that a beautiful porcelain doll should not be allowed to play small child. He will split it.
You can't take elders' notebooks. But here the elders need to maintain order, especially in a large family. If he threw a school notebook in the wrong place, the kid found it and tore it, then the elder is to blame - he did not keep track of his belongings.
Prepared by Oksana Golovko
“Parents who give birth to children and give them a body should, as far as possible, contribute to their spiritual rebirth.”
Abstinence in marriage
God "create" goodness very good." A man feels a natural attraction to a woman, and a woman to a man. If it weren’t for this urge, no one would ever decide to start a family. People would think about the difficulties that subsequently await them in the family and are associated with raising children and other family matters, and therefore would not dare to get married.
After the fall of the primordial, some people may have worldly wisdom by five percent, others by ten, thirty, and so on. But where can you find people today who have only five percent of worldly wisdom - that is, people with pure chaste wisdom! However, be that as it may, all people are given by God the opportunity to achieve dispassion - if they undertake an honest deed.
Choosing the path of family life does not give married people excuses to forget that man is not only flesh, but also spirit. We must not forget about this and leave ourselves [our passion] unbridled. Spouses must undertake a feat in order to subjugate the flesh to the spirit. If, under the guidance of a confessor, spouses try to live spiritually, then gradually they will begin to taste the highest joys - spiritual, heavenly joys. They will no longer strive for carnal joys. Spouses are obliged to strive for abstinence so as not to pass on carnal passion to their children. If parents are distinguished by very carnal wisdom, then their child from a young age has similar inclinations. This happens because he inherits carnal wisdom from his parents. At first, like all passions inherited from parents, carnal wisdom is still soft, gentle, like young nettles that do not burn, and you can easily take hold of its leaves. But as it grows, its leaves begin to burn. So is carnal wisdom - at first it can be healed by a good confessor who has reasoning. However, if you do not cut off worldly wisdom at a young age, then when you become an adult, this will require a considerable feat.
Human logic regarding God's will for the birth of children
Often, spouses who come to me share their concerns about having children and ask for my opinion. Some married couples want to have one or two children, while others want to have many children. However, it is better if they blame the problem of procreation on God. Spouses must entrust their lives to Divine Providence and not make their own plans. They must trust that God, who cares for the birds of the air, will take much greater care of their children. I remember one sailor who got married when he was eighteen years old. And he himself was a poor man, and he took the girl from a poor family. They rented some kind of basement and huddled there. His wife also had a low-paying job, and they lived very meagerly. Imagine: instead of a table, they had a box of peaches that they were somehow lucky enough to buy! Then they had children. In order to raise them, they subsisted from bread to water. And yet, gradually they became rich and began to live well.
There are spouses who first of all try to put all other problems in order and only then start thinking about children. Such people do not take God into account at all. And other married couples say: “Life today is not easy. Let us have one child - and that’s enough. Just try to grow one here!” And they don’t give birth to other children. These people do not realize how much they are sinning by thinking this way and not trusting in God. God is “compassionate.” It is easy for Him to stop giving children to their spouses if He sees that they are no longer able to raise them.
Many people strive to get married without thinking that having children and raising them in a Christian spirit should be the goal [of married life]. People don’t want to have many children so as not to burden themselves with troubles, and then they keep dogs and cats in their apartments. I was told that now in America, instead of dogs, people keep very expensive breeds of pigs in their homes. These pigs remain small and do not grow. They were specially bred so that they could be kept in apartments. People don't want to have children because it's a hassle for them to wash them and take care of them. Why don’t they wash the piglets? The dog, okay, is at least a watchman. But keep a pig in the house! Terrible thing! While in Australia, I saw a “retirement home” for dogs and cats. There was even a pet cemetery! Everything is going to the point that people will breed mice and roll them into cans to feed cats, and hares and rabbits will be bred and rolled them into cans to feed dogs! And at this very time, other people will die of hunger. And look: if someone kills a dog, it is possible that he will pay more money for it than if he killed a person (of course, it also depends on who this dog belonged to) . What have we come to!.. A man these days costs less than a dog.
I am surprised at what some confessors say. Once, pilgrims came to my kaliva and asked me: “Geronda, does St. John Chrysostom write somewhere that spouses should not give birth to children?” - “What are you talking about? - I was surprised. “Where did you hear that?” “Well,” they say, “father so-and-so told us.” Having met this father, I asked him: “Did you really say that?” “Yes,” he answered. “Where did you read that?” “St. John Chrysostom speaks about this in his Word on virginity,” he answered me. “Listen,” I tell him. - I haven’t read anything like this from St. John Chrysostom, but the Saint cannot say such things. He means something else. Bring the book so I can see what’s written there.” He brings a book and shows the place. I begin to read and see that the Saint writes the following: “Now people have multiplied and you also have the opportunity to live in virginity: this is not like before, when people had to leave descendants behind them.” That is, the Saint does not say “don’t have children.” But this priest insisted on his own. A priest with a theological education, but he talks such nonsense! He wants to present himself as well-read, to show that he is a researcher of the theological heritage of John Chrysostom, so that people would consider him a good confessor. Do you know what harm such perverted interpretations cause to people who want to calm their thoughts?
For many people living in a worldly way, family today is meaningless. Therefore, such people do not marry, or, having entered into it, avoid childbearing, or kill children through abortion and thus exterminate their own family. That is, it is not God who destroys people - people destroy themselves. Whereas believers who keep the commandments of God accept Divine Grace, since God, so to speak, is obliged to help them in the difficult years that we are experiencing. We see Christians having families and raising their children in the fear of God, no matter how many children He gives them. And all the children [of such parents] are balanced and joyful. These children are a blessing from God.
They grow up to be good, diligent people. We keep saying: “What will happen to the world?” - but at the same time we see how, through the Grace of God, a good generation is now gaining strength and growing up. The devil is trying to destroy everything, but the Good God is also working. He will not allow our people to disappear from the face of the earth.
Difficulty in childbearing
Geronda, if a non-Orthodox woman is childless, is it permissible, if she asks, to give her a belt as a blessing, which we apply crosswise to the holy relics of St. Arsenius of Cappadocia?
Does she believe in the power of the Saint or does she want to get help in a magical way? If she believes, then she can wear such a belt.
Some infertile women did not marry when they should have done so, and therefore spiritual laws now apply to them. Some picky girls start choosing grooms: “No, I don’t like this one, and I don’t like that one.” Having promised a guy to marry him, such a girl simultaneously looks at the other, then says “no” to the first, and he wants to commit suicide, instead of counting it as a blessing that she deceived him, at least before they got married, and not after. Eh, what kind of family will such a girl create? And there are women who are barren because in their youth they lived a chaotic, sinful life. There are also those whose infertility is caused by poor nutrition, because many foods contain a whole bunch of chemicals and hormones.
There are also married couples who want to have a child as soon as they get married. And if the birth of a child is delayed, then they begin to worry and worry. How can they give birth to a child if they themselves are full of anxiety and mental anxiety? They will give birth to a child when they have driven out anxiety and mental anxiety from themselves and have directed their lives along the right spiritual track.
Sometimes God deliberately delays and does not give children to some married couple. Look: after all, He gave the Holy Fathers Joachim and Anna, and the Holy Prophet Zechariah and Elizabeth a child in old age in order to fulfill His eternal plan for the salvation of people.
Spouses must always be ready to accept the will of God into their lives. God does not abandon a person who trusts himself to Him. We don’t do anything, but how much God does for us! With how much love and generosity He gives us everything! Is there anything that God cannot do? One married couple had five children, but, having reached adulthood, their children created their own families and flew out of their parents' nest. Father and mother were left alone. Then they decided to have another child so that they could have him next to them in old age. The wife was already at that age when conception is impossible, and their desire seemed humanly unattainable.
However, despite this, the couple had great faith in God, and they had a son, who was a consolation for them in their old age. And they also put him on his feet, brought him into the public eye.
Having children depends not only on the individual. It also depends on God. Seeing that spouses experiencing difficulties in having children have humility, God can not only give them a child, but also make them have many children. However, seeing persistence and selfishness in the spouses [God does not fulfill their desires, because] by fulfilling their request to have children, He will satisfy their persistence and selfishness. Spouses must completely surrender themselves to God. They must say: “My God, You are concerned about our welfare, "Thy will be done." In this case, their request will be fulfilled. After all, God's will is fulfilled when we speak "Thy will be done" and with trust in God we entrust ourselves to Him. But even though we say "Thy will be done" at the same time we insist on our own will. Well, what can God do for us in this case?
Marital infertility
Geronda, one married couple contacted us. Both he and she have a hidden symptom of thalassemia (blood disease). These people asked us if they should have children. We suggested consulting with their confessor.
Confessors cannot prohibit such married couples from having children. Spiritual mentors should cultivate kindness in such spouses so that they make efforts to abstain. And with reason, confessors should show them leniency.
Geronda, there are married couples who, although living very spiritually and wanting to have a child, cannot do this.
God does not give children to many people, so that by loving the children of the whole world as their own, these people will help their spiritual rebirth. One man had no children, but when he left the house, the children from the neighboring houses ran to him and surrounded him with love. They didn't let him go to work. You see: God did not give this man his children, but He gave him the blessing so that all the children in the neighborhood would love him as a father, and he would help them spiritually in his own way. The judgments of God are an abyss.
And in other cases, God does not give spouses children in order to accommodate some orphan. I knew a good Christian lawyer. Once I found myself in the city where he lived, I visited his house, he received me very cordially, and I stayed with him for a day. I also met his wife. She was similar in virtues to her husband. From her I learned what kind of spiritual life her husband leads, and from him - about the spiritual state of his wife.
Subsequently, I learned about these people from other Christians who knew them and received various benefits from them. This man of God honestly practiced law. Seeing that the defendant was really a swindler, he not only did not undertake to defend him, but also severely denounced him in order to bring him to his senses. Seeing that the person was guilty, but he had repentance, he tried to settle his case or tried to get a more lenient sentence. Seeing that an unjust accusation was falling on some poor man, he stood up completely free of charge in his defense and tried to justify the unfortunate man in court. This man lived very simply, so the little money he earned was enough for him to live, and also to help poor families. The home of this religious lawyer was a true spiritual oasis in the [spiritual] Sahara of the city where he lived. Suffering, poor, unemployed people gathered there, and those who had problems in their families came. And he came to the aid of all these unfortunate people, supporting them like a good father. This man had acquaintances who held responsible positions. They loved and appreciated him, and therefore, when he called his high-ranking acquaintances to help the poor with some business or illness, no one refused him. His wife worked in the same way. She helped poor children or young people who could not find the means to study. She was like a mother to them. However, in a conversation with me, this woman accidentally burst out: “Before I got married, father, I taught in high school. Immediately after the wedding, I left my job because I decided to become a good mother. I asked Christ to give me many - even twenty - children, but, unfortunately, He did not give me a single one.” Then I answered her: “You, sister, have more than five hundred children. And you're still complaining? Christ saw your good will. And He will reward you for it. Now, having helped the spiritual rebirth of so many children, you are a better mother than many others. You are leaving behind even all the mothers of many children! And the reward that you receive will also be much greater, because by being reborn spiritually, children spiritually secure their future in eternal life" Among other things, these people adopted one girl, in whose name they registered all their property. The adopted daughter looked after them in their old age and, having buried them, went to the monastery. But the house of these people was like a monastery! All church services were held there. At Vespers and Compline, other brothers and sisters in Christ prayed with them, and the three of them read Midnight Office and Matins. These blessed people helped many suffering people. May God rest their souls too.
That’s why I say that the best and most numerous father is a man who, having been reborn spiritually, helps the spiritual rebirth of the children of the whole world, so that they ensure the future of their souls in Paradise.
Geronda, some spouses suffering from infertility are thinking about adopting a baby.
Yes, it is better for such people to adopt a child; they do not need to [selfishly] persist in the desire to give birth to their own child. The desire of man and the will of God are not always the same thing.
Geronda, should adoptive parents, when a child reaches a certain age, tell him that he was adopted by them?
It’s better to tell him about this when the child grows up. But the main thing is that the adoptive parents love the child deeply and correctly. There are children who love strangers more than their own father and mother, because their parents have no love.
Large families
God especially loves large families. He takes special care of them. In a large family, children are given many favorable opportunities for normal development- provided that their parents raise them correctly. One child in a large family helps another. Eldest daughter helps the mother, the middle one looks after the youngest, and so on. That is, such children give themselves to each other and live in an atmosphere of sacrifice and love. The younger one loves and respects the older one. This love and respect is cultivated naturally in a large family.
Therefore, if there is only one or two children in a family, then parents need to be very attentive to how they raise them. Usually [in such small families] parents try to ensure that their children do not need anything. Such children have everything they want, and thus grow up completely unsuited for anything. Let's take, for example, a girl - the only child of rich parents. She has a maid who will set the table for her in due time, tidy up her room and do all the work. necessary work around the house. The maid receives money for her work, but at the same time she improves [in virtue] because she benefits others. Whereas the girl whom she serves, without learning any sacrifice, remains a “stump”, an uncultivated person. I advise young men to marry girls from large families, because children who grow up in need get used to sacrificing and always think about how to help their parents. This rarely happens with children who grow up rolling like cheese in butter.
However, not only children, but also parents in large families have a rich heart. I remember how during the occupation, in one of the neighbors’ houses, a baby was left an orphan. One poor man - the head of a family in which there were ten children - took pity on the unfortunate orphan, took him into his home and raised him along with his own children. And you know what blessings God later gave to this man! But can God leave without help a person who has such kind heart?
A person who has many children may face difficulties at first. But God will not abandon such a person. I'll tell you about one case. One day, the head of a family with six children asked me to pray that God would soften the [hearts] of the people from whom he was renting a house, and they would not throw him out onto the street. Unfortunately, many owners who rent out houses to families of two people and five dogs or cats who crap in and around the house do not want to rent it out large families, fearing that the children would allegedly ruin something in their house. And this unfortunate father of many children was simply exhausted: one owner kicked him out of the house, another refused to rent out his apartment at all, and he was forced to move around with children and things from house to house. To feed his family, this man worked tirelessly. He didn’t bargain with the owners over the rent - it would have been enough for him that the owners would simply allow him to live in the house for several years, to take a break from constant moving. When I heard this, I felt bad for him. “Don’t be upset,” I told him. - God also cares about your children. After all, He is the Creator, Who gives children the most important thing - a soul, while you and your wife, as co-creators of God, give them a body. Therefore, God cares more about your children than you do about yourself.” Before two or three months had passed, this man, joyful, came to me again and said: “Thank God, God gave me a house, and I still have a lot of money left.” I asked him what happened, and he said the following: “Returning to my village, I was sitting at the bus stop waiting for the bus. A lottery ticket salesman approached me and offered to buy a ticket. As a Christian, I don’t buy lottery tickets; I adhere to this as a principle. So I refused. However, when I saw him leaving, I thought that perhaps this man was in great need. So I called him over again and took out money to pay for one lottery ticket, but not take the ticket itself. However, the seller was an honest person and did not want to take money just like that. Then I also got upset and, wanting to help him, said: “Well, okay, give me one ticket, maybe I’ll need it.” “Let this person be a little happy,” I thought, “but I, having violated my “typical”, even if I get a little upset, it’s not scary.” And the lottery ticket I bought turned out to be lucky. I won a lot of money, bought a house, and also had money left over to raise my children. And having learned where the seller of lottery tickets lived, I quietly went to his house and left an envelope with a significant amount of money in his mailbox. I knew that if I gave him this money in his hands, he would not accept it.” It’s amazing how God’s love works in curious people!
The terrible sin of abortion
Geronda, a forty-year-old lady, the mother of adult children, became pregnant and is now in her third month. Her husband insists on an abortion and threatens that otherwise will divorce her.
If she has an abortion, then her other children will pay for it - with illnesses and accidents. Today, parents kill their children through abortion and lose the blessings of God. In the old days, if a baby was born sick, he was baptized, and he died like an angel. And there was no reason to worry about his afterlife. The parents had other strong children, and at the same time the blessing of God remained with the parents. And now parents kill strong children with abortions, and try to keep sick children by force in this life. Parents travel across England and America to cure their sick children. Thus, from generation to generation, children are born less and less healthy. Because if parents manage to cure their children and they do not die and get married, then the children they born may also be sick. Do you see what comes out of all this? But if parents gave birth to not one, but several children, then they would not have to kill themselves so much, wandering to doctors and abroad in order to prolong the life of a sick child. A sick child would go to God. And he would go to Him like an Angel.
Geronda, I read somewhere that every year 50 million abortions are performed all over the world, from which 200 thousand women die.
Children are killed because if the population increases, then, as they say, the living will have nothing to eat, people will not have enough of what they need. But there are so many empty areas, so many forests, and with modern technical means they can quickly be turned, for example, into olive groves that can be distributed to the poor. And there is no danger that deforestation will lead to a lack of oxygen, because cultivated trees will be planted in place of wild trees. In America they burn wheat, but here in Greece fruits and other fruits are buried in the ground [so that they do not fall in price]. Meanwhile, in Africa, people are dying of hunger. When there was a terrible drought in Abyssinia and people were dying of exhaustion, I asked a shipowner I know who helps people in such cases to contact those who bury fruits and vegetables in the ground and ask them to load a ship with them for free to take to the starving people. But no matter how much he asked them about it, they refused him.
How many thousands of human fetuses are killed every day! Abortion is a terrible sin. Abortion is murder, and not just murder, but very serious murder, because they kill unbaptized children. Parents must understand that a person’s life begins from the moment of conception.
One night, by the will of God, I had the opportunity to experience a terrible vision. After that I understood what abortion is! It was night on Tuesday of Holy Week. As usual, I lit two candles and placed them in two tin jars. Usually these candles are lit while I am sleeping. I put them for those who suffer mentally and physically - I include both the living and the deceased among them. And then at twelve o’clock at night, while saying the Jesus Prayer, I saw a large field enclosed by a stone fence. The field was sown with wheat, the seedlings had barely begun to grow. Standing behind the fence, I lit candles for the dead and placed them on the stone wall. To the left could be seen a waterless, barren area - only rocks and rocky cliffs. This area incessantly shook from a strong roar, into which thousands of heartbreaking, heart-breaking screams merged. Even the most callous person, having heard this, could not remain indifferent. Suffering from these screams and not understanding what was happening, I heard a voice telling me: “A field sown with wheat that has not yet begun to emerge is the tomb of the souls of the dead who will be resurrected. In a place that shakes and trembles with heartbreaking screams, there are the souls of children killed by abortions.” Having experienced this, I could no longer recover from the great pain that I experienced for the souls of these children. And I couldn’t lie down to rest either, despite the fact that I was very tired.
Geronda, is it possible to do something to have the law legalizing abortion repealed?
It is possible, but it is necessary for the state and the Church to move - so that people learn about the consequences that a lack of fertility will lead to. Priests must explain to people that the law on abortion contradicts the commandments of the Gospel. Doctors, for their part, must talk about the dangers to which a woman undergoing an abortion is exposed. Look: the Europeans, having good manners, passed it on to their children as an inheritance. We, who previously had the fear of God, have lost it and left nothing as an inheritance for the future generation. That's why we now allow abortions, legalize civil marriage...
If one person violates the Gospel commandment, then responsibility falls on him alone. However, if something contrary to the commandments of the Gospel becomes a state law, then the wrath of God comes upon the entire people - in order to educate them.
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On the Orthodox upbringing of children in the family
K. Ushinsky (1824-1870). “We do not have the right in education and upbringing to separate the people from their history, in which faith was the creative force of the Slavic soul. That's why national education can only be religious."
Saint John Chrysostom on education
“Neglect of children is the greatest of all sins; it leads to extreme wickedness.
Good education does not consist in first allowing vices to develop and then trying to drive them out.
If you raised your son perfectly, then he is yours, and he is his, and as it were, a certain streak of better lives will go forward, receiving the beginning and root from you and bringing you the fruits of caring for your descendants.
Parents will be punished not only for their sins, but also for their harmful influence on their children, whether they succeed in causing them to fall or not.
This is what upsets the entire universe, that we do not care about our own children, we care about their property, but we neglect their souls, which is extreme madness.
Those fathers who do not care about the dignity and modesty of their children are worse than child killers, since they destroy their souls.”
The most important life dramas take place in the family, which then leave their powerful imprint on a person’s entire life. We need to somehow get past these dramas, and if they happen, get out of them. But neither pedagogy nor psychology, with their modern arsenal of tools, gave an answer to the question of how to do this.
It turned out that freeing people from their life drama is possible in the Church. Moreover - only in it. She alone has everything necessary to free a person to live according to his deep, God-given purpose. But human labor is needed towards God and the Church. And in the end, what comes out of the drama of life is the release from sin and the discovery of oneself as a God-given one, which will be accomplished by the Lord Himself. Perform in the Sacraments. Patriarch Alexy II said about life outside the church: “We need liturgy after liturgy,” that is, life in the family, in the way of life, in the customs and traditions of the Church.
The memory of the finitude of earthly life, and especially the experienced feeling and knowledge that time and the future are not subject to our control, leads a person either to despair or to hope. The way out of the impasse begins from the moment when, in the internal experience of consciousness or feeling, a person hears a clear need to turn to the invisible God, whose existence with increasing clarity he increasingly sees in his soul.
We do not know how and what happens in the mysterious co-dissolution of the soul and Christ. Therefore, what is important for a child is not so much compliance church statutes, although this also makes sense, since children have a love of rank and order. Children do not need to be taught how to pray so much as how to pray with them; the general atmosphere of prayer has the strongest effect on their soul. Non-pedagogically petty use of the idea of a deity, his omniscience, justice. It is important for a child not to memorize the words of prayer, but to lead him in such a way that he feels like he is standing in prayer before God, therefore an appropriate attitude of the soul is important. The religious activity of the child manifests itself to the same extent as the religious activity of the family and is its reflection.
A child needs to saturate his soul with religious images. In the preschool period, children cannot express religious feelings except in something external, easier, because the external expression of religious feelings is correct and useful. And we need to strive to ensure that the child has a corner with icons, a lamp and saints.
The life that a child finds around him not only does not correspond to beliefs, but often contradicts them. The child cannot help but notice this discord, and poisonous religious dualism imperceptibly penetrates his soul. It is not surprising, therefore, that religious activity in children is so little creative; their religious experiences early acquire a passive character. In fact, we, adults, use every effort to weaken the very tone of religious life in a child, to push it into the depths of the soul, to make it powerless, disembodied - and we do this most painfully and most painfully for the child’s soul with our lives. We can “get used to” the child’s soul, and it is precisely at the moments of the highest ascent that this gets used to us. We are painfully aware of how far we stand from children. On the one hand, under the influence of the ideals of Christianity, we want to retain and preserve its purity and truthfulness in children, on the other hand, we do not want to completely drive out the lies that make their way into a child’s soul, since this would be dangerous for children. We instinctively want to combine one and the other - to protect the child’s soul in its bright sides, and on the other hand, to prepare the child for life. As long as there is no truth in our lives, as long as life is far from the ideals of the Gospel, our upbringing will inevitably be marked by such painful and poisonous dualism. The path of compromise to which you lead the child itself creates dangers for the child’s moral development, and we often only increase this danger with our inept remarks. I (Zenkovsky) do not look idyllically at the soul of a child, I believe that in its depths there is a lot of darkness and sometimes evil, but I also know that with our incorrect remarks we not only do not help the child become better, but only remove him from our consciousness errors. Give space to the deep and pure movements of the child’s soul, develop its creative impulses, creative activity, always maintain respect for the child’s personality and faith in it - and in this good social atmosphere the child’s soul will imperceptibly heal not only from lies, but also from other vices. The great secret of the human soul - not only mature, but also very young, is that we want to remain free not only in our sins, but also in our repentance. Repentance is impossible by order, by advice, but how deeply and fruitfully it flows if we leave the child free in these most tender movements of his soul.
How he neglects the Christian upbringing of children, he is a child killer (Archimandrite Kirill). The loving gaze of a mother sees in her child what other people do not see - and therefore we can say that mothers, in their overall assessment of the child’s personality, are closer to the truth than those who look at their children with indifference.
When a child sees that parents pray in the morning, in the evening, attend church services, take communion and give communion to their children, he himself will strive for the same. The child's soul is receptive and imbued with God's Light and receives, as it were, immunity against the destructive manifestations of life. Religious images are necessary for a child to express religious experiences - this is their function, which is why there is no better educational material than stories about Jesus Christ, the Mother of God, and the saints.
In children's religious life, what comes to the fore is that the child's general attitude to reality is mythological in nature. If a child had not heard about God from adults, he would instinctively seek with his thoughts the center and focus of the world, the Master and Master - the Father and Almighty. From this root grows what can be called a kind of “natural children’s religion” and the formation of the idea of the Almighty in the child’s mind only completes the process that was already going on in the child’s soul.
Parents' mistakes along the way:
- communicate to children religious concepts that they do not perceive or perceive poorly;
- on the contrary, they do not tell the children anything, imagining that leaving children in the religious desert supposedly protects the “natural development of the soul”;
- transform the Divine in children's eyes into a punitive authority (“God will punish”). They do not teach love for God, they do not develop creative striving for God, Who created and preserves everything, but they develop fear of God;
- moment of narrow utilitarianism (benefit) - often children have a narrow utilitarian view of prayer, and sooner or later a religious crisis develops on this basis;
- they introduce into the child’s soul the pre-Christian concept of God the Judge; The mystery of God's love, immeasurable and forgiving, often remains closed from the child's soul because of this.
Archpriest Arkady Shatov: “Raising children is generally a feat of time. First of all, you need to want your children to love God, so that they believe in Him, so that they are in everything life situations turned to Him; you need to want the salvation of their souls. Build our whole life for this and live by it!”
If you begin to share with your child your innermost thoughts about God, prayer, worship, repentance, Communion, then grains of such conversations will sink into his heart and sprout.
Archbishop Ambrose Shchurov: “Christ is closer to every person than a mother is to her child. Every time we do something bright and pure, every time Christ stands close to us.”
Here is what they wrote about the relationship between parents and children at the turn of the 18th-19th centuries in Russia: “In the peasantry here, parents are very child-loving, and children are obedient and instructive. It was not the case that children neglected their elderly father or mother.”
“I beg you, my beloved children and daughters-in-law” - from a letter from the head of the family home.
In our time, veneration has almost disappeared. The energy of this soul power is intercepted in children and adolescents by various passions, and in relations with elders, self-interest acts more and more, which dictates external respect for them. It is limited by place and time. 80% of schoolchildren - for honoring their parents (V Commandment).
Ushinsky: “A good teacher watches the child and, like Comrade Malvin, wants to take a step, he puts steps under his feet, as it were, instead of dragging him along the stairs.”
He helps the child build his own ladder of life and at the same time teaches him independence.
In general, there are no rules - you just need to keep your finger on the pulse of the child - the principle: parental intuition.
But we are afraid to trust a child, to let him go far from us, we want to take care of him so that he does not disappear.
The child is surrounded, on the one hand, by bad societies, and on the other, by compassionate parents with a vice in which they twist the freedom of their children. Result: problem children.
The child did not grow up on his own. He is a branch on a tree whose roots go back to the depths of the past; he is a branch from the table of parents' problems associated with life outside of God.
The overloaded rhythm of life, the over-busyness of parents is an illusion, a trap of the devil, which can keep them captive for many years, isolating parents from their children.
The attitude of children towards their parents is a mirror reflection of the parental attitude towards God. In order for children to change, parents must first change before God. Demanding more from others than from yourself is much easier and simpler. The sooner insight comes, the better it will be for all of us. The main thing is not to be late on time. It's too late to talk about education when the children are already eight and more years. Nature abhors a vacuum. If a child does not receive attention, love and warmth from his parents, he will look for attention on the side. Are the children comfortable at home, are they understood there?
The Lord gave us children and entrusted us with our parental responsibilities. Children are disobedient to us because we are disobedient to God. Children annoy us because we annoy God. Children have become indifferent to us because we are indifferent to God. Children are a mirror of their parents. If you want to change your children, change yourself before God, abide in Him yourself.
The Lord is waiting for our children. “Do not prevent them from coming to Me” (Matthew 19:14). “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is similar to it: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” “On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets” (Matthew 22:36-40).
The two commandments are like rails along which the locomotive of our spiritual life rushes. Take one away and disaster is inevitable. Loving the Lord is the first. Loving your neighbor is the second. They are interconnected. The second follows from the first. This is the foundation of life. If the foundation collapses, the entire structure collapses. And who could be closer than your own child, children? On these two commandments, this cornerstone, the family and the Church, the country and the state are established.
Ushinsky: “Love is the only means to subjugate the soul of a child. He who obeys another out of love obeys at the request of his own soul and makes someone else’s work his own.”
Based on the lessons of love learned in the family, children create an image of God in whom they will believe. And this image may correspond to the Gospel description, or it may turn out to be greatly distorted. “Man is the image and likeness of God.”
The experience of family relationships for a child plays an important role not only in the formation of his personality and life scenario. It is also the most important foundation on which a child forms and builds his perception of God and communication with Him.
It is certain that God is invisible and unknowable through ordinary perception. But at the same time, He is our father, parent.
At the same time, it does not matter what the parents say to the child about God in words; what is more important for him is not what he hears from them, but what he feels and experiences in his family. If parents, teaching their child to believe, say that God is love, but at the same time are too strict, and sometimes undeservedly cruel with the child, then words about love remain empty words for him. But he clearly understood that cruelty is an indispensable part of relationships. Moreover, he can express his understanding of things so much that he begins to think that severe punishment and is a manifestation of the very love that parents talk about. As a result, a distorted image of God is formed as a cruel and unjust punishing being. God is the heavenly Father, God is love - this is what a child should feel.
Psychologist and theologian Schaller in the book “Losing and Finding a Father” concludes that the relationship between a child and his father is fundamentally significant for the entire life of any person - the formation of his self-awareness, the choice of profession, building a family, and also gaining faith in God. It turns out that many prominent atheists who deny the existence of God had either aggressive, weak, or absent fathers (Voltaire, Feuerbach, Marx, Nietzsche, Freud and others).
Studying the religious life of a child is very difficult and there is some analogy here with the difficulties that we encounter when studying primitive religion. Religion has deep roots in the human soul, and in addition to the influence of the external environment, tradition, the child’s soul, like the soul of primitive man, reaches out to the heavenly sphere and seeks it. The main religious feeling is the direct feeling of God, the living sensation of His closeness, the experience of the meeting of the soul with God. Religious feeling conceals something musical that is difficult to express in words. Any religiosity is the most influential psychic force that colors our entire personality, religious experience, religious life is not a secondary place for it, but a main place in the system of the soul. Religious life in us has a deep tendency to become the center of our life, our personality, tends to color our activity, and our perceptions, and understanding of reality. Our religious life is not a monologue, but a living dialogue - a conversation, sometimes a “fight” with God.
Religion, like a mental function, cannot be eliminated from a person’s soul - a person who loses “faith” does not lose the need for religion and often, in the words of Dostoevsky, “believes in his own unbelief.” If children had not heard about God from adults, they would instinctively seek with their thoughts the center and focus of the world.
A child’s heart is not at all religiously dull - on the contrary, it carries within itself a living feeling of God, but we do not know how to play this wondrous instrument - on a child’s heart, we do not know how to extract from it a hymn to the Divine, which the child unconsciously sings in the depths of his pure soul . The high religious mood of a child's soul is surrounded by such a cold religious atmosphere of our time, such religious savagery, that one does not think to be surprised that this source of spiritual life is often clogged and replaced with surrogates.
The main thing is the attraction of our time - television, passionate emotionality. Every person has experienced being stuck to the TV and being unable to tear himself away from it. And the greater the tension of monitoring events or the greater the pleasure of contemplation, the less response remains in the child to a real need. The power of television and computer spectacle is so great that human attention becomes accustomed to them. Everyday life becomes gray and uninteresting in comparison with television and computer effects. As a result, disease develops; a person gathers his attention and will only in front of the TV and computer. Outside of these spectacles, he becomes increasingly weak-willed and relaxed. The extreme form of this disease affects not only the emotional mood, but also the physiology. A person who has become an adult can experience atrophy of conscience and the strength of the soul, and over the years can become entrenched as an external person, with a feeling of loss of the meaning of life.
Therefore, in raising children, adults should be nearby, like gardeners, so upbringing should be careful. You cannot force something into a child. It is necessary to instill goodness in a child, first of all, through acts of Christian love, for just as a plant requires warmth and sunlight, so a child requires parental love, which should be varied, kind and affectionate, strict and demanding.
Children often stop going to church. The most tragic thing is when a teenager, constantly accused of demon possession or atheism, is forced to go to church and formally participate in the sacraments. And it’s not so scary if over time he honestly leaves the church; it’s worse if he becomes a religious hypocrite - a person who knows about rosaries, bishops, elders, but to whom everything connected with a living relationship with Christ will be completely indifferent.
And the religious pharisaism of parents gives rise to slavery, despondency, and suffering. The letter kills the joy of childhood, both in the family and in the Church, and creates an atmosphere of despondency. In some families, parents enforce religiosity through repressive methods. Parental religious egoism destroys family comfort and causes irreparable damage to the parents themselves.
It is impossible to push a teenager out of this difficult but important time of formation of values. family circle. On the contrary, it is necessary to maintain a warm, understanding, homely atmosphere, so that when leaving church life, he will not be excluded from the family. Don't give any critical assessments of what he likes. On the contrary, ask your child to explain what is close to him, for example, in modern music. Tell your teen sincerely if you don't like the music or if a particular song interests you. Archpriest Arkady Shatov: “You can and should enter a child’s life, become the most interesting conversationalist. Then he will not seek consolation from other people or on the street, from friends who do not know God, where they drink and fart. It’s important to make sure that children have believing friends.”
Communicating with children is a serious ministry that requires great patience, great love and wisdom. We must try to become an interesting conversationalist and true friends for children.
Communicating with children is serving children. How important it is for our lives to be pure and blessed, so that we do not pass on our pride and scandalous disposition to the next generations. We are obliged to leave a good example for the generation that comes after us, love for God, and firm trust in God in all situations of life. And for this, the first Sunday school for children should be their own home, and the family should be a home church.
Serving children is serving God. “As you did to one of the least of these brothers, you did to Me” (Matthew 25:40). Our Lord Jesus Christ identifies Himself with children. “Whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me: See that you do not despise one of these little ones” (Matthew 18:5-6,10). Indifference to children is indifference to our Lord Jesus Christ. If you curse and slander your child, you curse and slander the Lord. When you bless your children, you bless the Lord.
If a parent tries to punish a child and does not believe in his correction, but only takes out evil on him, then in the eyes of God he commits a sin. Under no circumstances should you lose your temper, it is dangerous: one day you may not return. We must control ourselves and keep the keys to successful upbringing - love, a good conscience and unfeigned faith.
Athonite Elder Paisiy Svyatogorets: “Poor children are being destroyed today. That's why they are so excited, so confused. The child wants to do one thing, but does another. He wants to go in one direction, but the spirit of our era takes him in another. Dark forces have launched terrible propaganda; it is they who are directing those young people who lack reasoning in their heads to evil.”
Now - individual freedom, its rights - on a pedestal. That's why children don't listen to their parents or teachers. And they are not to blame, because they believe that this is what they should do. The state also supports them in this, they are pushed towards this.
Little children are already angry. Will you see the shining look on their faces, the grace of God? One architect brought a group of young men to the Holy Mountain. By chance I met another group of children - from a closed educational institution, where they additionally study theology. The architect said to his group, “Are you not noticing anything? Look at each other, and then at the faces of these children. Look how their eyes shine! And look at our eyes - they are like the eyes of a dead fish. Cloudy. After all, the eyes are the mirror of the soul.” And those guys participate in divine services and Sacraments.
Some guy came, beaten by the current winds. I realized that his mother's prayers had brought him here. How powerful are maternal prayers! “Pray, father,” he asked me, “since I cannot get out of this swamp.” You need to talk to children about Satanism, but very carefully, kindly. As children, their parents did not understand what faith and the Church were for, and therefore they have now been completely screwed up. "Freedom! Don’t you dare touch the children!” And the children are very happy. And this benefits some people. After all, if children are not made rebels, then how can they be forced to smash everything into small pieces? And now you see how the unfortunate children have become almost possessed.
Worldly evolution, combined with this sinful freedom, brought spiritual slavery to man. Spiritual freedom is spiritual submission to God's will. The young man needs a spiritual guide. He must consult with him and obey him - in order to move forward with spiritual reliability, avoiding dangers, fears and dead ends, because he does not have his own experience. Children are blank CDs. If Christ is written on them, then they will always be with him. If not, then it will be easier for children to deviate towards evil when they grow up. If a person received a spirit, help in childhood, then he will come to his senses again, even if he has lost his way. If you “impregnate” children a little with reverence (oil on wood), the fear of God, then this will help them throughout their lives.
(Children’s behavior in public places, in transport, interrupting adults, not taking into account others “I want!”) Spiritual modesty is the fear of God, in in a good way this word. In a good family, children behave freely. In such a family there is respect for parents. There's love there. In love there is boldness in the good sense of the word, there is reverence, respect for others, that is, it conquers fear. Respecting his neighbor, a person respects himself, but at the same time does not take himself into account. “A lot of logic appeared, and trust in God disappeared.”
The worldly environment and worldly parents destroy children. Children become embittered and behave with fierce shamelessness. There are few children who have a demon within them. Children are exposed to demonic influence from the outside. It all starts with shamelessness, which drives the Grace of God away from the child. And when Grace departs, children become bitter and riotous. And vice versa, children who have reverence constantly accept the Grace of God. God's blessing rests on such children. You can see such children, their eyes shine.
A child who has complaints against others, a child who cannot be pleased with anything, turns into a rebel, into action. And if the children do not repent in order to free themselves from this evil wave overwhelming them, if they continue to behave with shamelessness, then - God forbid! - The grace of God leaves them doubly so, since they are outside the Church. After all, in the Church they become quiet, kind children, because in the Church a child receives the blessing of God and is sanctified. Children are not allowed to be "spiritually influenced" but they are not protected from bullshit. Today, children are loaded and bombarded with a whole bunch of rubbish. They are overfed with sciences, but at the same time they are left with the other side of the scale - the spiritual. In schools, children should first of all be taught the fear of God. Teachers must find ways to convey to children some knowledge about God and the Fatherland. Let them sow the seed. Can't see how it will grow? Nothing. Nothing passes without a trace - the time will come and the seed will grow.
Priest Alexander Elchaninov(1881-1934). “Why are childhood impressions so important? Why is it important to rush to fill the heart and mind of a child with light and goodness from an early age? In childhood, the power of trust, simplicity, gentleness, the ability to be tender, compassionate, the power of imagination, the absence of cruelty and fossilization. These are the names of the soil in which what is sown yields a harvest of thirty, sixty and a hundred fold. Then, when the soul has already petrified, hardened, what was perceived in childhood will be burned to purify and save the person. This is why it is so important to keep children close to the Church - this will nourish them for life.”
Communication with children teaches us sincerity, the ability to live in the given hour, in business - the main thing in Orthodoxy.
Children seem to be born again every day, hence their spontaneity, uncomplicated soul, simplicity of judgment and action. In addition, they have an unmuffled sense of good and evil, freedom of the soul from the captivity of sin, lack of judgment and analysis.
We have all this from birth, as a gift, which we easily mentally lose along the way and then, with pain and labor, collect the lost wealth bit by bit.
Responsibilities of a Godmother
She must pray for her godchildren, help the godson’s parents spiritually in raising the child, and financially, if necessary, too.
The direct responsibilities of a godmother are to know whether her spiritual child prays, diligently visits the House of God, and resorts to confession and Holy Communion.
Tell your godchildren, as they age, the story of the origin of sin in a barely conscious thought, its growth in the agitation of feelings and desires of the heart, its violent movements in fits of passion, and then an unclean thought will be as terrible for them as a criminal deed. Give them the experience of inner victory over evil through the power of calling on the name of the Lord. When discussing children's misdeeds, do not limit your comments to the words: “What a shame,” and so on, but say more often, “How sinful and scary this is.” As much as you yourself understand the power of sin, as much as you yourself are afraid of it, let it be written on your face.
Venerable Ambrose of Optina: “It was enough for you if you took care to raise your children in the fear of God, instill in them Orthodox concepts and protect them from concepts alien to them.” Orthodox Church What good you sow in the souls of children may later vegetate in their hearts, when they come to mature courage, after bitter modern trials, which often break off the branches of good home Christian education.
On education in the Catechism of the Catholic Church
Home Church
1655 Christ was deigned to be born and grow up in the bosom of the Holy Family of Mary and Joseph. The Church is nothing other than the “family of God.” From the very beginning of the Church, its core often consisted of those who “with all their household” became believers (Acts 18:8). When they were converted, they wanted “their whole house” to be saved (Acts 16:13 and 11:14). These families, having become believers, were islands of Christian life in a world of unbelievers.
1656 Nowadays, in a world that is often alien and even hostile to faith, believing families play a primary role as a center of living and radiant faith. Therefore, the Second Vatican Council gives the family the ancient name of domestic Church (Ecclesia domestica) (LG 11; cf. FC 21). In the bosom of the family, parents should be “for their children the first teachers of faith by word and example and favor the vocation of each of them, especially the spiritual” (LG 11).
1657 It is here that the priesthood of the baptized is primarily exercised - the father of the family, mother, children, all family members “through the reception of the sacraments, prayer and thanksgiving, the testimony of a holy life, self-sacrifice and effective love” (LG 10). Family hearth there is, therefore, the first school of Christian life, “the richest school for humanity” (GS 52, § 1). It is here that one learns endurance in work and joy, brotherly love, generous forgiveness, even multiple times, but above all, worship of God in prayer and the sacrifice of one’s own life.
1658 It is also necessary to remember some people who, due to the specific circumstances in which they are forced to live, often against their will, are especially close to the heart of Jesus and therefore deserve the attentive care and love of the Church, especially pastors: we are talking about a large number of lonely people . Many of them were left without families, often due to their poverty. Among them there are people who perceive their position in the spirit of the Beatitudes, approximately serving God and their neighbor. They all need to open the doors of family hearths, “house churches”, and that great family what the Church is. “No one is deprived of a family in this world: the Church is a home and a family for everyone, especially for “those who labor and are heavy laden” (Matt. 11:28)” (FC 85).
Education of conscience
1782 Conscience must be educated, and moral judgment must be enlightened. A well-trained conscience is honest and truthful. She expresses her judgments following reason, in accordance with the true good that the wisdom of the Creator wants. The education of conscience is necessary for people - for they are subject to negative influences, and sin tempts them - to prefer their own judgment and reject authoritative teaching.
1783 Education of conscience is the work of a lifetime. From the very first years, it awakens the child to knowledge and observance of the internal law, cognizable by conscience. Prudent education teaches virtue; it protects or cures from fear, selfishness and pride, from a false understanding of guilt and from the desire for pride generated by human weakness and mistakes. Education of conscience guarantees freedom and gives birth to peace of mind.
1783 In the education of conscience, the Word of God is the light on our path; we must receive Him in faith and prayer and observe Him in our lives. And we must also examine our conscience by looking at the Cross of the Lord. We are sustained by the gifts of the Holy Spirit and aided by the testimony and counsel of others; we are guided by the highest teaching of the Church (DH 14).
Parental duty
2221 The fertility of conjugal love is not limited to the birth of children, but must also extend to their moral and spiritual education. The educational role of parents “is so great that if it is lacking, it can hardly be replaced with anything” (GE 3). The right and duty of education are paramount and inalienable for parents (Cf. FC 36).
2222 Parents should look upon their children as children of God and respect them as human persons. They teach their children to observe the Law of God, being themselves obedient to the will of the Heavenly Father.
2223 Parents are the first to be responsible for raising their children. They testify to this responsibility, first of all, by creating a family home in which tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity and selfless service reign. The family hearth is a place created for the cultivation of virtues. The latter requires that a person learn selflessness, rational judgment, self-control, on which all true freedom depends. Parents should teach children to subordinate “the physical and sensory dimensions to the inner and spiritual dimensions” (CA 36). A serious responsibility of parents is to set a good example for their children. If parents can admit their own shortcomings to their children, they will be able to more easily guide and correct their children:
“Whoever loves his son, let him not spare the rod, so that later he can be comforted by him” (Sir. 30: 1-2). “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).
2224 The family home is a natural environment for introducing solidarity and social responsibility to children. Parents must teach their children to avoid those false concessions and degradations that threaten human society.
2225 Through the grace of the sacrament of marriage, parents are given the responsibility and the joy of proclaiming the Gospel to their children. Parents should introduce their children from a very early age to the mysteries of the faith, for they are for them its “first heralds” (LG 11). From a very early age, parents should introduce their children to the life of the Church. The way of life in the family can give rise to a disposition of soul, which throughout life remains a prerequisite and support for a living faith.
2226 The education of faith by parents should begin from early childhood. It is already realized when family members help each other to grow in faith through the witness of Christian life, in accordance with the Gospel. Family catechesis precedes, accompanies and enriches other forms of teaching the faith. The task of parents is to teach their children to pray and to help them discover their calling as children of God (CIC can. 1246, § 1). The parish is the Eucharistic community and the heart of the liturgical life of Christian families; it is the most favorable place for catechesis of children and parents.
2227 Children, in turn, contribute to the growth of parents in holiness (Cf. GS 48, § 4). All together and each individual generously and tirelessly must forgive each other the pain caused by insults, quarrels, injustice, and failure to fulfill duty. Mutual affection prompts this behavior. The love of Christ demands him (Matthew 18:21-22; Luke 17:4).
2228 During childhood, parental love and respect are expressed primarily in the care and attention with which parents raise their children, taking care of satisfying their physical and spiritual needs. As children grow, the same respect and devotion compels parents to teach their children the righteous use of reason and freedom.
2229 Since parents are primarily responsible for the education of their children, they have the right to choose a school for them that is consistent with their own beliefs. This right is fundamental. It is a parent's duty to, to the extent possible, choose schools that the best way will help them fulfill their responsibility as Christian educators (Cf. GE 6). The authorities must guarantee this right of parents and provide specific conditions for its implementation.
2230 When children become adults, they must, and have the right to, choose their profession and lifestyle. They must accept new responsibilities while maintaining trust in their parents, who will be willing to ask for advice, seek their opinions and listen to them. Parents should beware of forcing their children to choose a profession or choose a spouse. This duty of restraint and tact does not prevent parents from helping their children wise advice, especially when they are going to start a family.
2231 It happens that people do not marry in order to better care for their parents or brothers and sisters, or to devote their lives to professional activities, or for other worthy reasons. These people can make a great contribution to the benefit of the human family.
Family and the Kingdom of God
2232 As important as they are, family ties are not absolute. The more a child grows, approaching maturity and human and spiritual independence, the clearer his special calling from God becomes. Parents should respect this calling and encourage their children to follow it. It is necessary to realize that the first calling of a Christian is to follow Christ (cf. Matt. 16:25). “Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me” (Matthew 10:37).
2233 To become a disciple of Christ means to accept the invitation to belong to the family of God, to live in accordance with His way of life: “Whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother” (Matthew 12:50).
2234 Parents must respect and accept with joy and gratitude the call of the Lord addressed to any of their children to follow Him in virginity for the sake of the Kingdom of God, in consecrated (monastic) life or in priestly service.
