“It’s hard for me! We need to hug to make sure we still love each other."
“It’s hard for me! You need to be alone to calm down, understand yourself and the situation.” Sound familiar?
Some, often women, quickly flare up during a quarrel and cool down just as quickly.
Others, and among them more men, try to control themselves: resentment or anger accumulates slowly and only after reaching the boiling point does it break out. It also takes time, and a lot of it, to come to your senses.
In each pair, one is more emotional and plays the role of the “approacher,” while the other is more restrained and is responsible for distancing. Sometimes the roles may change. Yes, there are hot “Italian” families, whose dramas have been watched by neighbors for years, and phlegmatic couples, but there are few of them. In any case, the rules for an effective truce work for everyone.
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Calm down
It is useful to express emotions, including negative ones: hidden and driven inside anger, resentment, and pain only make things worse. Another thing is that the expression must be constructive. And sometimes, before “broadcasting” negativity, it’s better to take a walk, take a shower, punch a pillow, or do 50 squats. If emotional background goes off scale and you know from experience that you will later regret what you said, squat down, and then swear.
This material was prepared for you by the magazine team Cosmopolitan Psychology
Make conflict productive
Given the right situation, you should come to a decision that suits everyone. And this is the most important point. Otherwise, no matter how touchingly you make up, a quarrel over the same issue will soon break out again. By the way, hot “Italian” couples often fall into this trap: the fuse is gone, everyone hugs, but the problem is not solved.
Unfortunately, in addition to one-time conflicts, there are long-term and difficult-to-resolve ones - when a controversial issue arises with enviable frequency. Does your mother-in-law like to come without asking and clean things up? Is your loved one unhappy that your work involves business trips? And what about you - that he throws his clothes around? Stories like this, even if they are related to little things, are annoying, just like an untreated tooth. This means they undermine relationships, taking away positivity and warmth from them. If there is no good solution, choose at least a satisfactory one: one that at this stage (and not just at the moment of forgiveness and reconciliation) would be acceptable to both.
Separate the problem from the person
When making complaints, do not deviate from the point and do not get personal: if we are talking about business trips, you should not blame the lack of a sense of humor or recall the intrigue of five years ago. After all, your task is to work together to find the right way out, and not to prove who is right, who is wrong, and who is throwing their clothes away.
Apologize
And accept the apology. This is not so easy to do: in a constructive apology, everyone admits blame for their contribution to the negativity. Ask for forgiveness only for specific actions that you consider wrong: “I’m sorry that I lost my temper,” “It’s my fault that I raised my voice.” And be sure to say what hurt you: “I was offended to hear that...” It’s wrong to apologize “for show” - in this case, the partner feels insincerity, and you, without understanding what’s going on, risk stepping on the same rake .
Don’t ask for forgiveness for the content of the conflict if the question really bothered you: “I’m sorry that I’m jealous of you” or “I’m sorry that I can’t love your daughter from my first marriage.” After all, this way you leave no chance for a solution.
In addition, you should not take all the blame on yourself: “Sorry, I have a disgusting character, I always ruin everything.” Both participate in the conflict, and both are responsible for it.
There is no need for an apology with the caveat: “Of course, I’m wrong, but you yourself brought me down” - thereby we remove the blame from ourselves, shift it to our partner and give rise to a new conflict.
Do not rush
If a man, or you, or both of you need to sort yourself out after a quarrel, keep quiet and calm down - this is normal. There is no need to artificially drag your loved one into a whirlpool of feelings or force yourself to smile and go to the movies - it will only get worse. You both have the right to privacy and reflection. The main thing is that this does not turn into a demonstration and manipulation - when what is needed is not time, but increased attention: “No, no, everything is fine, I wasn’t offended, there’s no need to bother, who cares about my feelings anyway.”
Love fever
Should reconciliation end with sex? Yes, as long as "complete" is not the same as "replace". Let's say the reason for the quarrel is trivial, and the quarrel itself can be called an outburst rather than a conflict. Then the release of accumulated tension will help you feel your partner, his love and intimacy. But provided that both of you are ready for this. If one does not yet want tactile intimacy, even simple hugs, the other can only be patient. And to make it easier, switch your attention to other things.
By the way, the phrase “I never get offended by anyone” is equally implausible. It’s normal to be offended, the main thing is to understand the reason and help yourself and your partner draw the right conclusions.
There is a category of families in which good quarrels are more often observed than bad peace. It would seem that in order to maintain harmony, it is enough to ask for forgiveness if you were wrong. Or wait for an apology from your loved one and accept it. But here’s the problem: usually the subject of the quarrel is difficult to remember, or the catalyst turned out to be some kind of stupidity that adults are embarrassed to even discuss. For example, a dirty cup by the bed. I'm ashamed to admit that we quarreled over such nonsense. And it’s even more shameful that you do this regularly. Our experts believe that the real reason for the quarrels lies much deeper than the desire to finally decide what color to paint the walls in the kitchen. What turns you and him on half a turn, and not in in the best sense this expression?
Tired toys
On hook. Right now it seems that your loved one takes up too much space in the surrounding space: too big, noisy, loud. And even when he falls silent, it seems as if his breathing is too irritating. Yes, you're tired.
You're annoyed
Surely there are too many things to do, and now you are ready to break down over a trifle. “Each of us has our own acceptable level of psychological stress, and as soon as it is exceeded, we take our anger out on our loved ones. After all, they accept us as we are, which means they will forgive us,” explains Anastasia Filimonova, candidate of psychological sciences. The most in a simple way to save the world will be a confession: “Darling, I’m not in the best shape today, I need half an hour to rest, look at my iPad or eat something terribly tasty and more.” Gestalt therapist Svetlana Prokopyuk confirms: communication in this style in itself helps to switch from reactive irritation to a wave of relaxation.
He's annoyed
It is more difficult for a man to realize that he is tired, and for many it is like admitting to himself: “I am a weakling.” How can you tell that his grumbling is not caused by your conversation on Facebook with an old “truth-true friend”? Firstly, your loved one is annoyed by something that didn’t bother you yesterday or a week ago. And secondly, absolutely everything makes him nervous. The best thing to do is leave him alone before the conflict goes too far. In this state, he is not capable of constructive dialogue.
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A fight with a shadow
On hook. Lately, for some reason, you see only negative things in your husband: he seems unreliable, not attentive enough, slightly irresponsible. Is it really him, and not you?
You're annoyed
What loving and self-respecting girl calmly admits that she is not as good as she would like? Not so punctual, caring, generous and the list goes on. All the shortcomings that we carefully hide from ourselves form a certain negative image, which Jungian analysts call the Shadow. And since it’s difficult to be angry with ourselves, we take these emotions out on a man. “If you notice only negative traits in your partner, this is a reason to ask yourself a question: am I probably as lazy and irresponsible as I think about him? Does it happen that I do the same thing myself?” - the psychodramatist suggests and family psychologist Olga Khokhlova. In order not to get bogged down in soul-searching, it is important to take the next step: imagine in what situations such qualities might be useful. This way the man will stop annoying you, and you will embark on an exciting path of self-improvement.
He's annoyed
Studying cockroaches in someone else’s head is, frankly, a thankless task. Especially if you are not a professional psychologist, and the object of research is your man. So just pay his attention to how he reacts: “I see, I’m annoying you with something. What exactly?” Svetlana Prokopyuk recommends this: ask your loved one to rate their irritation on a 10-point scale. And clarify under what conditions he can reduce the intensity of this feeling. “When we evaluate emotions according to some criteria, it is as if we place them in some kind of structure, this calms us down and helps us formulate a plan of action.” Your loved one will be able to understand whether he is able to cope with his feelings on his own, or whether your help is needed. In any case, his irritation will be legalized, which means it will no longer become a reason for a sudden quarrel.
Blast from the Past
On hook. There is a situation because of which you constantly quarrel recent years five. For example, he doesn't respond to phone call during the working day. Or doesn't want you to spend time with him and his friends.
You're annoyed
Having watched enough of the TV series, we’d venture a guess: your ex once started an office romance, so he regularly ignored your calls. Now, in your current relationship, there is no reason to be suspicious, but you are worried and angry out of inertia. If you manage to understand what situation provokes negativity, this is already the first step towards freedom from the past. “The trauma you experienced will remind you of itself more than once, but you can change something,” advises Anastasia Filimonova. You need to associate an annoying situation with something pleasant. We can agree that after such a hard day you will have dinner together at a restaurant.”
He's annoyed
If he also cannot explain the reason for his claims against you, there are two solutions. The first is not to provoke irritation. It is suitable if the situation occurs rarely and can be avoided. The second way is to explore together the mechanism of this fixed reaction, so that your loved one does not have to make excuses for his inappropriate behavior. “When a painful experience is accepted by a partner, what was once experienced ceases to be so painful. Inappropriate reactions appear less frequently or disappear completely,” assures Svetlana Prokopyuk.
Some trifle
On hook. Domestic hassles, the notorious unwashed cups, an unmade bed, an electricity bill not paid on time... Everything that was not worth mutual reproaches (except the hamster). Discuss the real reason dissatisfaction openly - scary or awkward. Tension accumulates and is expressed in quarrels over trifles.
You're annoyed
Lately your nerves have been overheating, like radiators in old houses. At the same time, you are sure that the reason for this is not PMS. The feeling of guilt has become closer than own husband. Olga Khokhlova recommends asking yourself: “What really makes me angry?” Or: “If it weren’t for this little thing, why would I be angry?” The answers may be extremely interesting.
If you don’t like something in your husband’s behavior, tell him about it right away - don’t keep your feelings inside. Otherwise, one fine day, all the dissatisfaction accumulated over a long time will fall like a waterfall on the spouse because of a banal unwashed cup.
Dialogue rules
Learn to calmly accept criticism from your other half. Don’t try to convince each other; on the contrary, look for options that will suit both of you. Remember: a compromise can almost always be found.
Correctness
Even during the heated quarrel, try not to utter words that you will later regret, and in no case insult each other.
Magic cipher
Together with your husband, come up with a code word or sentence that indicates that the conversation is taking an overly harsh form. It is advisable to choose something funny or tender: for example, after the phrase “I really want you to be happy” - it is almost impossible to continue the quarrel.
Sincerity
Turn a blind eye to little things like an unmade bed or unhanged laundry and don’t be fooled by provocations. If you see that your husband is irritated and is about to lash out at you, try to calm him down and find out the reasons for his condition. Sincere interest in the problems of your interlocutor is a great way to prevent conflict. And, of course, always remember that physical contact is very often more convincing than a lot of smart and completely fair words. Hug each other as often as possible, and you yourself will not notice how you will have much fewer reasons for quarrels.
Do you often quarrel over trifles with your significant other? Tell us in the comments.
I want to ask you something: have you ever wondered how it is that some couples quarrel every day and break up after a month or two, while others live in peace and tranquility for decades?
I’m sure similar thoughts have crossed your mind more than once. But most likely you still haven’t been able to figure this out, given that you’re now reading an article with the title “ How to stop quarreling with a man?».
I'll be honest. There is no special secret here.
Conflicts happen in any relationship. But in the case when both partners know what a quarrel can lead to, they do not allow it to progress to more serious stages.
Think about it, how do you usually resolve conflicts with your man?
Are you trying to get to the root of the problem and reach a compromise? Or do you actively defend your point of view by any means, not even allowing the thought that he might be right?
Unfortunately, in most cases, quarrels go exactly according to the latter option and both partners end up irritated and angry.
And this is not good. Carrying and slowly digesting grievances - Right way to stress and destruction of relationships.
So I suggest you 7 simple but very effective behavior patterns during a quarrel.
1. Go to bed
When the conflict between a man and a woman reaches a dead end, the most the best option there will be a dream for both.
If the scale of the quarrel is so great that you cannot lie in the same bed with your partner, send him to the sofa in the living room.
But before continuing the argument, you definitely need to get some sleep. There is a chance that after this, none of you will have the desire to argue.
Well, or if a continuation is required, it will be completely different, since sleep allows you to clear your thoughts and look at the subject of the quarrel with a fresh look.
2. Take a break
It happens that in the heat of a “showdown” there is no opportunity (or desire) to sleep. In this case, even a 30-second break can help partners recover.
Stop quarreling and invite your man to go to different rooms.
Return to conflict resolution only when you both have calmed down.
3. Don't be afraid to give in
Most quick way stop the quarrel - admit that you may be wrong and apologize. And you need to admit this out loud. So that your man understands that you are doing this sincerely.
As a rule, after this he should soften and lose his “fighting fuse.” Under favorable circumstances, such steps can be followed by excellent make-up sex.
True, such concessions should not always be only on your part. It is worth bringing up this topic at another time, when there is no tension between you.
4. Shut up and touch
There are times when discussing a particular issue only leads to increased passions.
In such cases, the best move may be an unexpected and seemingly completely inappropriate action - hug him, kiss him, stroke his cheek, etc.
It doesn't always work, but very often.
5. Prohibition of using the word “but”
Quite often, during a quarrel, lovers adopt a model of behavior that simply cannot lead to reconciliation: after listening to your partner’s arguments, you agree with them and immediately add “But”, continuing to defend your position.
– I understand that you were too lazy to wash the dishes after yourself yesterday. BUT a day has passed, and the dishes are still dirty - do you think I’m a maid?
- No, dear, I don’t consider you a servant. BUT washing dishes is not a man's job!
– I understand that you want to seem like a courageous macho. BUT I also want to be a woman from time to time, and not a dishwasher...
And this can continue indefinitely.
If you set rules in advance that prohibit the use of “BUT” during future quarrels, they will happen much less often and end much faster.
6. Remember what's important
While you want to defend your rightness and rub your partner's nose in with a caustic attack, it is much better to think about what is more important for your relationship - to prove that you are right or to come to a decision that will be best for both.
It’s better to talk about this in advance, so that not only you don’t throw around “unnecessary” accusations, but he also makes attempts not to blurt out too much if it could have a bad effect on the relationship.
7. Don't lose your sense of humor
Over the years, some couples develop a fairly effective habit of preventing quarrels before they start.
For example, a husband, when he is tired of enduring his wife’s remarks, may say something like: “Honey, it’s time for you to use the tape that you always carry in your purse.”
Or, if dissatisfaction is observed on her part, she pretends to hit her husband on the head with a frying pan, accompanying this imaginary action with the sound “Jing!”
Thus, you can let your partner understand that there are prerequisites for a quarrel, but not give it the opportunity to develop.
“Struggle” between partners is an integral part of a healthy relationship.
Finally, I want to say this: remember that in no relationship can everything be perfectly smooth and calm. Everyone quarrels.
It’s just important to be able to do it “correctly” - as described above.
In addition, emotional upheavals from time to time can re-ignite the dying fire of your feelings.
The main thing is to know when to stop so as not to “start a fire” that will destroy everything.
Dad- Andrey Gromov, television news editor
Mother- Natalya Gromova
Children:
Ivan- 23 years old, born November 9, 1991
Vladimir- 13 years old, birthday March 5
Benjamin- 10 years (born on January 1, he himself has a positive attitude towards this fact. Contrary to popular belief)
Anastasia- 6 years old, will turn 7 on July 21, getting ready for school. Likes to go to preparatory classes.
Eugene- 3 years old, born on the holiday of the Intercession Holy Mother of God October 14.
Nikita- born October 3, 2014
Start
There is nothing particularly romantic in the history of our acquaintance: we met while visiting a friend. After we met, quite a lot of time passed, and Andrei called me: they decided to go for a walk with a friend and invited me.
We met, started talking and couldn’t stop. Since then we have been interested in being together.
When I was little, I always dreamed that I would have three children. And I was also sure that family is where they take care of each other.
Of course, in the first years there were difficulties: my husband and I had to get used to each other.
But I immediately and firmly understood: this is our family. Andrei came to me, and therefore it simply cannot be that in the very heat of an argument, I would say: “Go away!” We could be offended and not talk. But then they made up anyway, and any of us could have initiated this.
The period of “grinding in” was short-lived, and then it became easier.
Now, of course, disagreements arise, specifically regarding everyday life, but everything quickly fades away, it no longer happens that we are offended and don’t talk to each other.
You somehow subconsciously feel when you need to stop so as not to lead to a quarrel. You start to break down mechanically: someone got you started, you’re tired. But then the defense kicks in: “Stop! What am I doing? This is my close person! Sometimes you have to speak sternly with children, raising your voice, and you automatically transfer this tone to your husband. But the brakes come on again: “He has nothing to do with it.”
Andrey is a gentle person, and I am also a soft person. We have calm temperaments, so there are no special storms.
After the slightest disagreement, it is not difficult for us to immediately ask each other for forgiveness.
Even during my pregnancies, Andrei remains calm, although for a man this is a feat, because pregnant women’s psyches really become unbalanced.
Church life and the advice of the spiritual father, which help smooth out any corners, also play a big role.
Having children: a crisis in the family?
Our oldest is Vanya, he is 23 years old, from my first marriage (Vanya’s father left us when his son was only six months old), Andrey has been raising him since he was four years old.
Vanya is a smart boy, a humanitarian by nature. He writes in such a way that you can read it. I remember how I was struck by the letter from the nursery summer camp, which Vanya wrote when he was nine years old! We still have it.
The difference between Vanya and Vova is ten years. Therefore, when in the maternity hospital they told me: “It’s easier to give birth to the second one, you remember everything.” But in ten years I managed to forget everything...
There were no special problems with Vova: if you say: don’t take this and that, he won’t take it. The only hard thing was that he was sick a lot. From early childhood he is very inquisitive - he constantly asks questions.
When I was pregnant with my third child, Venya, Andrey severely “broke” his back, carrying furniture alone. While Venya was little, my husband was practically disabled and was constantly in severe pain. So only I could carry the children in my arms. A naturopathic doctor I know suggested good specialist. He returned to normal life in 5 months. It has become possible to hold little pets in your arms.
It is clear that children purely technically adjust their mother’s life to suit themselves. At first you pay more attention to yourself, and then you begin to slowly give up everything: you do everything quickly, even lying in the bath, relaxing, becomes an unattainable dream.
They say that when children are born, the relationship between spouses goes through a crisis. It seems to me that there is a danger of crisis when people are free, when they can do what they want. This doesn’t happen with children, and they bring husband and wife together.
With the advent of each child, dad becomes more serious: responsibility increases. If earlier his attitude towards work was “necessary,” now it’s “really necessary.”
The advice of the confessor was very helpful that the husband in a family, no matter how many children there are, should come first. That is, first of all, attention should be paid to the husband.
He came home from work - it’s important to put everything aside, feed him, ask questions.
Although Andrei never immediately rushes to the table after work: “I want to eat!”, but starts doing something around the house, fiddling with the children, so you have to “drive” him to the table for dinner. You take the baby under your arm and try to be close to your husband.
Andrey and I love this time when he returns from work, has dinner, and we talk. He tells what happened to him during the day, I tell him what happened to me. One of Andrey’s acquaintances was once surprised at how aware I am of all my husband’s affairs - how could it be otherwise: we are interested in talking to each other, listening to each other.
I also really love listening to Andrey read aloud.
Older generation
Andrei’s parents were never against children being born into our family. Now they are over 70, but they always provide backup, for example, when I’m in the maternity hospital, they try to pick up the children. But they don’t interfere in our lives at all.
My mother lived with us (she died in 2011), and she greeted the news of another pregnancy without joy: “Natasha, why do you need this? It’s hard.” But she loved all the children and always helped. I could easily go take the children to school, go to the store and leave the kids with their mother.
Another thing is that, living together, it was not easy at the very beginning to build your own family life in such a small space.
Here I tried to fence off my mother in order to protect my family. It came to conflicts.
Including in raising children, because mom and dad said one thing, and grandma could wave and say: “Come on!” - thereby reducing all parental efforts to nothing.
Plans - figure it out in your mind
When I go to bed, I think in advance about what I have to do tomorrow and what plans I have, what I need to do. Because there is no time to even write them down. Even if I write it down, there is no guarantee that I will find this piece of paper later, because sometimes you put it in such a “safe place” that it cannot be found.
Sometimes you go to bed, start wondering what to do tomorrow, and then you remember: you forgot to do what you planned for today! You have to get up and go do something.
In the morning I get up and take the children to school. When I was pregnant and in the first month of the baby’s birth, Vanya helped a lot.
I am one of those people who can get up early and still feel energetic. And Andrey is a night owl, getting up early is a problem for him, a long and painful process. So in the morning it’s easier for me and most importantly faster.
I also don’t like being helped in the kitchen. Andrey is ready to do something, but it’s easier and more convenient for me to do it myself. But he cleans windows well, can repair equipment and do many other useful things. It is better for everyone in the family to do what they can do, and not what they are forced to do.
After I took the children to school, the younger ones wake up, I need to feed them breakfast. Then I cook lunch and dinner. The soup can be cooked for two or three days, and the “second” has to be done every day.
Then I work with the younger ones. Nastya on next year to school, so we learn to read and write with her.
Nastya, like her brothers, loves to do things with her hands. She and I draw and sculpt together.
Her little brother tries to repeat everything after Nastya or his older brothers. That is, here my task is to guide, support, and interest arises because children communicate with each other, learn something from each other.
IN kindergarten we don’t go: why, if there is an opportunity to raise children at home? I am afraid that at a young age, when they do not yet have immunity, children will begin to catch the bad.
After classes we go for a walk. We don't go to playgrounds. Firstly, I can’t keep track of everyone at the same time: one climbed here, another - there, a third - here. It's better to just walk and run. Secondly, my children (although they are not aggressive) or other people’s children may, for example, drop each other not out of malice. Moreover, there are aggressive, spoiled children. In any case, the children will sort it out among themselves, but mothers and grandmothers may have an inappropriate reaction. I don't like conflict. Therefore, it is better to walk on the sidelines.
The walk ends with a trip to school to pick up the students. And then I take the children to clubs.
All my boys love to do things with their own hands. It so happened that Vova and Venya quite by accident ended up in an aircraft modeling club and got involved, with pleasure, carefully assembling airplane models, which we now have hanging all over our apartment. This interest is largely due to the teacher, who tries to work with everyone individually.
It turned out well that Venin’s classmate also goes to the club, so last year his mother took all the children, and I took them. This year, if I don’t have time myself, I just put the children on a minibus and then meet them at the bus stop.
Venya is a housekeeper among us, and he is the best at chopping wood and can start a fire.
Nastya goes to school. When the little ones are sick, or when I don’t feel well myself, somehow the Lord arranges that Vanya manages to help, to take the little ones to clubs, and Andrey has a day off.
A friend who is always ready to help also helps a lot.
But it’s still impossible to manage everything. Therefore, if something doesn’t work out, I don’t panic. We managed to wash the floor today - great, tomorrow we definitely won’t be able to.
Sometimes you think: “I wish I could do this, but no, I can’t, I’ll do it later.” For example, sort out washed items.
Naturally, the most important thing is the health of children. If they are sick, you drop everything and immediately begin to help the patient cope with the disease and create conditions for normal life. That is, do wet cleaning and airing more often.
Order in the house
To keep the house more or less in order, you need one person to coordinate the work.
Vanya works, and that’s why now it’s mine right hand- Vova. In general, children help, of course. If I start washing the floors (this is not a problem in a small apartment), the children pick up everything that is scattered there: construction sets, papers, and so on.
When I go somewhere, the children vacuum - this is their responsibility.
If the little one starts crying, and I have some chores to do around the house, then other children should take care of him: rock him, rattle him with rattles, in general, entertain him.
At the dacha, Vova and Venya are peeling potatoes, fortunately now there are safe knives.
Vova has a new responsibility, which he really likes - baking pancakes.
Children must clean up after themselves every evening. But they won’t do it themselves, without a reminder, so you have to talk every day. Sometimes - strictly.
But in general, our distribution of household chores happens spontaneously. Firstly, I know what each child is capable of and who can be asked for what at this particular moment, who is at home, who is free. There is no such thing as what I plan: today I force Vova, then Venya, and then Nastya.
Everything turns out naturally, based on the situation, because we live together in the same anthill.
Things to do in the kitchen
I love spending time in the kitchen: baking, spinning jars. The canned vegetables are then arranged so beautifully that you are happy, not to mention that there are enough reserves for the winter.
I definitely freeze some things, for example, berries: children really love strawberries.
I try to make sure we eat right.
Divide into groups
When there are two children in a family, they inevitably have a conflict; they, like “plus” and “minus,” constantly push away, pulling the blanket over themselves. When the third is born, these two unite. And when the third grows up, he joins their company.
But even if there are more children, those who are close in age still conflict at first until they are united by the birth of the next one.
I always try to explain to them: “You are close people, family, there is no one closer, so you must live together.” My big dream is that, of course, when they grow up, they will always be in good relations. Because I have seen so many adult sisters and brothers arguing. It's so awful!
Don't go to supermarkets!
In the family, the main economist is me; Andrey cannot save. He realized this almost immediately after his marriage: when we brought two salaries and put two piles of money next to each other, his pile disappeared within a week, and mine still had “cash” left... Since then, he has been handing over all the money to me.
I practically don’t buy clothes: they give it to the children all the time. So, I’m immediately saving for rent.
My secret to saving money is not to visit hypermarkets. The same products and the same things can be bought simply in the store and gradually, and not all at once.
Moreover, fruits and vegetables, which generally need to be bought every day, are more expensive there. The only thing we buy there is diapers and sometimes washing powder.
In general, I believe that the less often you go to big stores, the more money you have left over. Moreover, you buy a lot there at once, and there is nowhere to put it. If you fill the refrigerator, it means you must eat it, whether you want it or not: food spoils.
The only thing I buy “in bulk”, that is, in packages, is sugar and butter, because I bake pies.
I buy meat close to home, but it’s not popular here: we don’t have any special admirers. By the way, I never cook soup with meat broth - it’s not healthy, and at the same time it’s another saving point.
I plan my purchases according to the situation. If I see that there is little money left, then I will buy sparingly. I can go to the store and “show off” (within reason) if I know that tomorrow there will be money: I will earn money or Andrey.
I try to save as much as possible for big purchases. For example, a dishwasher broke down and I had to buy it urgently.
In general, there are a lot of unnecessary foods that we eat. The same dairy products in different types: yoghurts, curd masses, cheese. Yes, they are delicious, sweet, and you can, of course, treat yourself sometimes. But you can save on this variety. A friend of mine, the seventh child in a family of ten, remembers her mother constantly saying: “Eat simply, and you’ll live to be a hundred.”
Instead of sweet curds, I buy fruit for my children. Any harmful chocolates appear very rarely in our house.
Instead of chocolate, there are wonderful sweets: marshmallows, fudge, Turkish delight, marshmallows.
By the way, children eat baked goods only on holidays, because it is not entirely healthy food.
I’m confused in this regard, because at one time Vova and Venya were sick a lot, and after consulting with a naturopath, I realized how important proper nutrition is.
Mobile phones for schoolchildren are not a big expense: we chose a very inexpensive tariff. By the way, the phones themselves were given by friends.
Unexpected gift
It’s a miracle - we were given a plot of land almost within the city limits. We all live in a small two-room apartment, and then my mother still lived with us. No one ever had a dacha. That’s why all my life I dreamed of a dacha, so that I could walk out the door and there would be nature, even the most minimal space, and not a city. I decided to talk to my confessor: “Maybe I should write somewhere and they’ll give us some land?” To which he replied: “There’s no point in writing now.” Having received this answer, I calmed down: no, no.
But I have a friend who literally cannot sit still, and she kept insisting: “Write an application for the provision of land.” A year later, I succumbed to her persuasion, but first I went to ask my father for advice, and he immediately said: “Write!” Then I wrote a letter to the administration. The answer should have come in a month. But he still wasn’t there, so I went to see the head of the land committee.
“Gromova? Large family? You are on the list for the provision of land. In Borisovka." Honestly, I was ready for them to refuse. I simply did not expect such a decision. My husband and I began to wonder where this very Borisovka might be. On the map they found one in the Tula region, the other even further, 300 kilometers away. But we were happy about everything. Imagine our surprise when we learned that this was the same Borisovka, which is almost within the city limits. True, in the forest, but it was six acres very close to home!
The children really like it at the dacha. Nastya especially loves nature. He can walk for a long time and collect some grains, pollen, flowers...
In general, it’s a joy to see how what you planted with your own hands grows: strawberries, peas, carrots, pumpkin, beets, potatoes.
Pies…
When I want to be alone, disconnect from household chores, I... go to the kitchen to bake pies. A woman should have some kind of activity that allows her to switch. For me it’s pies: a hobby that turned into income.
When I was passionate about baking, my husband sometimes grumbled that the kitchen took up so much of my time: “You’re always at the stove, and you’re so tired!” And then, when pies became my income, he began to help. Last night I was just busy putting pies in the oven and then taking them out.
Also, to relax, I put on some Soviet film. Sometimes a friend comes in and you can talk and laugh with her. Because otherwise, it happens that it’s not just physical fatigue that sets in, but psychological fatigue: it seems like you don’t have time to do anything, you can’t cope with anything. Short “unloading” helps you come to your senses and put everything in its place.
To the temple
The hardest thing is getting everyone dressed. I try to teach children not to have breakfast as early as possible, otherwise the older ones will watch and be jealous.
We go to church in any weather: we already understand that if you look out the window and decide not to go, then the sun will certainly come out later, but you won’t be happy about it.
We usually, if we are all together, go to read the Gospel. Children go to church with pleasure; they don’t have to force anyone to come. Moreover, the children understand the course of the service, which means it is not difficult for them to wait for Communion.
