Children constantly watch their parents. They constantly monitor the behavior of their parents, so you must always be on guard so that in some situations you do not burn with shame in front of them. own child, and even more so, don’t let him cry and get sick because of you. There are many examples of children getting sick because they once saw their parents having sex. Let's look at some examples and figure out what the right thing to do in such a situation.
53 911602
Photo gallery: What to do if a child sees something forbidden?
Example No. 1
It was the boy's birthday and he was celebrated well. The baby was only five years old. The next day, parents began to notice that when the child looked at them, he began to blink heavily, and his eyelids and eyebrows twitched frequently. A few days later they noticed that the baby was sleeping restlessly, kept jumping up and screaming in his sleep: “What are you doing? Aren't you ashamed?"
After some time, the son began to behave strangely, he followed his mother with his tail all the time, did not let her leave the house, and if she went out to the store, he began to beat her, scream and cry. The mother took leave and was constantly with the child, but his condition did not improve. A nervous tic spread to his cheeks and arms, the baby constantly clenched his fist, as if he wanted to hit someone. The parents decided to see a doctor, who in turn prescribed a sedative, sleep improved, but other symptoms remained, so they turned to social service personal relationships.
It turned out that the boy hated his father, but he could not explain why this was happening. He constantly said that he was afraid to be alone and afraid of losing his mother. The kid, at the age of five, argued that anything can happen to women because they are defenseless. The patient was in no mood, and he was constantly worried about his mother and pestered him with questions: “It’s true that men stronger than women?. To find out the reason for this change in behavior, the parents decided to remember what happened on the baby’s birthday. The mother was questioned for a long time, and then she said that when she and her husband were left in an empty room, he, despite the fact that she was against it, forced her to have intimacy. After this, the husband left the room, and the mother began to recover and suddenly heard her child crying. It turned out that the guys were playing hide and seek and the son hid in that room and involuntarily saw everything that was happening there. Mom pretended that nothing had happened, although she was very worried herself. When she told her husband about this, they came to the conclusion that they would pretend that nothing terrible had happened.
A psychologist I knew argued that because of this the child could not have any illnesses, but the next morning the boy was already sick and had neurosis. The result was that the boy saw his mother's resistance during intercourse. To return the child to his former state, the psychotherapist had to make a lot of efforts, but, in the end, he recovered over time.
Example No. 2
Parents brought a four-year-old girl to the doctor with complaints that she was masturbating. Outwardly, she was no different from other children, then what happened to her?
You need to know that the baby will never tell you the reasons; doctors always look for them themselves. The main thing for a doctor is that he must understand the person’s state of mind. The girl was shy, but wanted to command others. She wanted to be a leader, but why? If the baby felt deprived of attention, she immediately started crying, but in another situation she began to irritate the genitals and she liked it, and she did it all the time not hiding, but right in front of her mother.
What is the reason? The girl did not receive enough love from her parents, so she wanted to attract attention to herself by any means, but did not know how. One day she saw her parents having sex, so she began to imitate adults by masturbating. The girl was cured, but if the parents had been more careful, this would not have happened.
What to do?If your child sees something forbidden or sees it constantly, then there is a risk that he will grow up defective, or even even a maniac. Some people believe that it is better for a child to see their parents having sexual intercourse than their scandals. It’s another matter if the baby sees his dad not with his mother, but on the contrary, his mother is not with his father. Children always feel betrayed.
Still, you should not allow situations such that the child becomes a witness to some kind of intimate relationship between you.
If the baby has his own room, then this is good, but what if he still saw something that he did not need to see? Perhaps he will enter the room at the moment of the highest boiling point and will not understand anything, he will simply leave and cry, or perhaps even feel disgust. Don’t let this situation go to waste, immediately calm the baby down, convince him that your love for him has not disappeared.
Don’t worry yourself and don’t even think about yelling at your child. It is very important to him what was on your face the moment he entered the room and saw all this. Your baby may think that something bad and scary happened in the bedroom if you show hatred and anger on your face.
You can tell your child that you did sports that only two people who love each other can do. Do not under any circumstances tell him that you played. For small children, play is sacred and he may hate you for not inviting him along.
Under no circumstances should you shout or kick your baby out of the room with the words: “You’re still small! This doesn’t concern you!” Don't act like you've made up a crime.
Calmly explain to the baby that what he saw is the best thing that can happen in adults, perhaps you should even tell him that when he grows up he will do this too. You can say that you will give him a sister or brother. There is nothing wrong with a child learning that children are about sexual relations.
At the age of 2 to 3 years, children develop sexual curiosity, the boy wants to see how his mother washes, and the girl wants to take a shower with her dad. It is important for children to know the differences between a man's and a woman's naked body.
If you protect your baby from everything at all, then problems may arise in the future. If suddenly a child enters the room while you are changing clothes, you should not shout and kick him out, but from a young age teach him that before entering the room you need to knock, wait a little, and then enter. If you haven’t taught your baby to do this yet, then do it now, before it’s too late to correct the situation. Explain to your child that next time he should knock before entering the bedroom. If you want to reduce the risk that he will see something wrong, put a lock or latch on the door, and if you sleep in the same room, then put up a screen, this will reduce the likelihood of unpleasant situations.
But even if you are afraid that the child will see you, you should not refuse to have sex, just be careful - do it in the shower, when the child is at grandma’s or walking in the yard.
What happened happened. Pull yourself together and stick to these rules.
First of all: don't panic
You cannot insure yourself against such a situation in advance if you live in the same area. And parents need to foresee their behavior in such a piquant situation in advance.
It is very important to react calmly and not shock the child with your violent indignation. And try to fairly truthfully explain to him the scene he saw, taking into account his age.
Secondly: under no circumstances should you kick your child out or scold him.
Such an aggressive reaction from parents will alert the child. Left alone with his impressions, he will be painfully worried about not understanding what happened.
Third: immediately calm the child down
The child may think there is a fight going on and get scared. Explain to him how you love each other, and now you are just happy and affectionate. Just be sure to tell us about the difference in showing feelings of love for a child and for a husband. Dress casually and naturally if you need to.
Fourth: Teach your child about sex.
Do not tell your child any fables about cabbage and storks, do not confuse him by giving him grounds for false guesses. All sorts of excuses will stir up the interest of a 4-year-old child in this situation and he may begin to spy on adults. You have a great opportunity to give positive and truthful information about the family, the relationship between husband and wife, and, of course, about Love. things will arise between you trusting relationship and no outsider will refute this information.
For children under three years old, you can simply say that you hug and kiss because you love each other very much. And that when he grows up, he will also meet a person whom he will love and hug and caress. Older children need to be taught about sex in more detail. They develop an increased interest in their genitals. This is difficult to control, so let the child better know the truth about the natural characteristics of his body and about birth. In this case, it is advisable to use scientific terms of the genital organs. Straight Talk with parents will be like immunity for the child to an unhealthy interest in sex.
When little girls and boys often see each other naked, this also dampens sexual interest.
You can tell your child that mom and dad love each other and their baby, and that’s why they want more children. So dad plants seeds for mom so that someday a baby will be born. But a plant does not grow from every seed, and neither does a child. And that’s why you need to plant a lot of seeds. To enhance the figurative children's thinking You can conduct an experiment and sow seeds in a pot to observe their growth. It will be interesting and convincing.
Can be done in any ticklish area difficult situation find the positive. And then you will cope with the situation, find the necessary words and teach your children to perceive this life positively.
Click " Like» and get the best posts on Facebook!
Psychologists are convinced that childish attitude The scenes of parental intimacy seen are greatly influenced by the reaction to the child appearing at the door. The most important thing is not to panic and not to focus on sensitive scenes.
What should you tell your child “about this”?
Scenes in which parents make love most often evoke an extremely ambiguous reaction in the child who sees them, bordering between interest and fear.
Finding parents in such a delicate situation, a small child may think that dad is hurting mom. Dad's irritability, screams, and impartial statements about his walking around the house will convince him of this thought.
Such a parental reaction will lead to the child perceiving the father as a villain and mother’s tormentor. If after this the adults begin to remain silent and behave nervously, the baby will become even more confident in his suspicions, which ultimately can negatively affect the child-parent relationship.
Ideally, a child should not witness sexual contact between adults. However, this is not always possible, so if your baby has “declassified” you, you need to find the right explanations. The choice of words will undoubtedly depend on the age of the young witness.
If the child is 2 - 3 years old
A two- or three-year-old child who caught mom and dad at the moment of intimacy, due to age and psychological characteristics doesn't understand what's happening.
In this case, parents should behave calmly and quickly come up with the simplest explanation for their actions, otherwise the baby will begin to be actively interested in what happened, which can lead to an awkward situation.
Most often, experienced adults say that dad gave mom a massage, they were just having fun, playing, etc.
At the same time, you should not get dressed in the presence of a small witness; on the contrary, he should be sent on business: bring a purse, a glass of water, see what he is doing a pet etc.
After the child returns and mom and dad get themselves in order, you can play with him a little. Let his father give him a piggyback ride and his mother give him a fun massage. This is necessary for the baby to be sure that everything is in perfect order.
Many children at this age develop various fears. If you leave the situation without explanation (even if it is completely ridiculous, from an adult point of view), then he may think that the father is beating the mother, and her screams are caused by pain.
It is important to rid the child of negative emotions. To do this, you need to talk to him calmly, kindly, emphasizing that he is wrong, dad did not want to hurt mom, on the contrary, parents have extremely warm feelings for each other.
If a three-year-old is so impressionable that he begins to ask to go to his parents’ bed because of fears that have arisen, this desire should be satisfied. Let the baby fall asleep with mom and dad, and only then you can take him to his own bed. Very soon the children should calm down and forget about their fear.
Experienced parents who have encountered such an uncomfortable situation advise preventing it. To do this, you should lock the door to your parents’ bedroom before intimacy. Such forethought will help parents not to be afraid of prying eyes.
If the child is 4 - 6 years old
A five-year-old preschooler is a rather curious person, actively absorbing any information, especially “mysterious,” “unusual,” and “forbidden.”
Despite the fact that a child at this age does not yet have knowledge of a sexual nature, he moves in a circle of friends who may be much more enlightened on this issue.
As a result, older children are able to explain in their own way the specifics of the relationship between dad and mom if a little witness tells them about what happened.
If a five-year-old child “caught” his parents at the moment of intimacy, most likely he did not notice anything “extraordinary” in the dark. Of course, there is no need to shout, but you also shouldn’t explain everything about the “stork” in detail.
Explain to the child that the mother had a back pain, and the father gave him a massage. This is enough, then you need to switch the child’s attention to something else. For example, take him back to the room, read a fairy tale and make sure that he is definitely asleep now.
Reasonable parental behavior and a calm explanation will ensure that the child will soon forget about what he saw. If parents avoid children’s questions and shout, the baby will mentally return to the situation and want to learn about it from “other sources.”
The next day, you should be extremely careful to find out what the child managed to notice during the night. If he snorts in response that he saw you kissing, just calm down - he didn’t understand anything. That's it, this discussion is over, there is no need to return to this situation.
As we have already said, preschoolers are curious. If adults have not satisfied the child's interest, there is a possibility that the child himself will begin to look for answers, including spying on his parents or going into their room, justifying the visits with the fear of being alone.
If you notice that your child is spying on you, you should not scold or punish him. However, you need to talk to him about this topic. Tell them that such behavior is undignified, unacceptable, and undesirable. Agree with your child that from now on you will knock first, and only then enter each other’s rooms.
If the child is 7 - 10 years old
Many ten-year-olds are already aware of the relationships between the male and female sexes. But that's it sexual contacts seem to them to be something dirty and unworthy, so scenes of parental intimacy usually evoke negative emotions in children at this age.
It is curious that already as adults, eyewitnesses of a sexual scene between parents say that at that moment (and even many years later) they felt anger, resentment, shame, because they considered such behavior to be something indecent, obscene and dirty.
To avoid negative emotions or minimize their severity, psychologists recommend adhering to the correct behavioral tactics:
- First of all, you should calm down. You cannot shout at a small bystander, because he will get angry and feel offended. It is best to invite the child to return to his room and wait for a serious conversation.
- A heart-to-heart conversation is necessary, but its content will differ from a dialogue with a preschooler. You can already talk about sex with a pre-teen child. Parents briefly explain that there can be an intimate relationship between a man and a woman who are in love with each other. This is completely normal and natural.
- Ten-year-old children can be given books about sexual relationships written specifically for a children's audience to read. They clearly and unobtrusively describe where children come from. It is only important to choose really useful literature.
Parents should speak in such a way that the child understands that nothing shameful happened. But at the same time, one should not describe sexual life in an overly naturalistic and exciting way, since children aged 7 to 10 years are not yet ready for such revelations.
If the child is 11 - 15 years old
The teenager already knows well from various sources what constitutes sexual relations. And if he treats strangers who make love calmly, then he makes completely different demands on his parents.
Finding mom and dad “indecent” is a big stress for a child. In such a situation, an involuntary eyewitness experiences anger and disgust towards the parents. In addition, he himself is ashamed of having seen this “indecent” spectacle.
All these conflicting feelings, coupled with the unstable emotional state, typical of teenagers, can lead to completely unexpected actions. So, on forums you can find stories in which already matured people tell how they ran away from home, away from their parents.
If the child still managed to notice something that was not intended for his eyes, then it is time to talk seriously about the sexual side of adult relationships. Such a conversation may even be useful, since today's teenagers start early sex life. You just need to place the accents correctly.
Many parents fear that a frank dialogue with their child about the intimate side of life will push him towards “debauchery.” However, this is another myth. On the contrary, if adults do not discuss the problem after the scene the teenager has seen, there is a chance that the child will begin to perceive sex either as something shameful or as something extremely attractive.
Sexual education – important point raising a child, however, it is better to do without such extreme situations. To prevent a child or teenager from catching their parents having a “massage”, it is necessary to take precautions in advance.
Experienced parents and psychologists advise following several useful recommendations:
Such precautions will prevent the sudden appearance of a child at the most crucial moment. Of course, preventing such situations should not mean that parents should abandon sex education altogether. There will be heart-to-heart conversations, but targeted and as prepared as possible.
The question of what to do if a child “caught” his parents in bed really requires a qualified answer. At this moment, all smart ideas usually fly out of your head, leaving only shame and awkwardness.
But if you don’t discuss the situation with your child, the consequences can be very unpredictable. The solution to the problem will depend on the age of the little eyewitness. Live life to the fullest and don't forget about safety precautions!
Sex is an activity for adults; the presence of children in this intimate process is absolutely unacceptable and unhealthy. Even for teenagers, accidentally seeing a scene of parental passion will be unpleasant, and Small child and may even receive serious psychological trauma. However, situations when mom and dad are having fun, and at this completely inopportune moment a third, completely superfluous and dumbfounded observer appears - their child, still happen. Psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva told the portal how to react correctly to parents if a child takes them by surprise.
Sex is…
In order to behave as appropriately as possible in such circumstances, a man and a woman should first of all decide what sex is for their couple: a manifestation of love and affection for each other, a way to get pleasure or, in the end, a healthy physiological need for adults . In any case, sex requires the most private atmosphere, so before you engage in it, it is important to think through all the little things in advance (they will be discussed at the end of the article).
But what should parents do if they did not take precautions and the child accidentally saw something that was not intended for his eyes? Psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva advises...
Don't be angry with the child!
Most often, a child witnesses an intimate scene between parents for one of the following reasons:
- the door to the parents' room was open or unlocked;
- the child was busy in another room, but for some reason beyond the control of the parents decided to visit them;
- the child was attracted by sounds coming from the room with his parents;
- the child was sleeping, but unexpectedly woke up for the parents;
- the child suddenly returned home, and his parents were not expecting him.
In any case, it turns out that it was you who behaved improvidently, without taking care of a safe and private place and time for intimate communication, or selfishly, by ignoring the possibility of the sudden appearance of a child who is in the same territory with you. The child has absolutely nothing to do with it! Therefore, being angry with him at such a moment is completely unjustified.
Calm, just calm!
In a delicate situation, it is important to remain calm and calm. Just stop the process and cover yourself. There is nothing reprehensible about having sex for parents: it is a normal adult need and a way of obtaining pleasure. So behave accordingly. It is very harmful to shout: “Get out!” or “Look away!” You will scare the child, and he will definitely think that he saw something scary and bad.
Don't fool your child
Don't freeze and pretend to be asleep. If a child is surprised by the unusual and unnatural position in which the parents supposedly sleep, he will inevitably have “interesting” questions (Why did dad climb on top of mom? What if he crushes her? Why did they suddenly fall silent, although they were making noise recently?). And it’s not a fact that your offspring will ask them to you - there is a high probability that he will be “enlightened” by more advanced peers and older comrades. As a result, he may have a wrong idea about sex.
It’s also better not to tell your child that you “played like that” (he may be offended that you didn’t invite him into your company) or fought (he will worry about the imaginary conflict between his parents and may come to the conclusion that he should protect one of the parents). “And in general, dear adults, lying to a child is to your own detriment,” notes psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva.
Answers after questions, but not instead of them
Pay attention to the child's reaction, his facial expression, and behavior. Maybe, due to his age, he did not understand anything or did not have time to consider it? Then, for example, just throw on some clothes, kindly ask the baby why he came to you, and take him to the nursery. Behave naturally! If the child does not ask questions, looks completely calm and is indifferent to what he sees, then there is no point in explaining anything. Take an interest in his condition and needs. So, if a child gets scared and starts crying, hug him and say something like this: “Everything is fine! Mom and dad are fine. And we want you to feel good too.”
Tell the truth that the child can understand
If what he sees somehow bothers the child, he will most likely ask you the appropriate questions himself. Running away from the answer is a losing tactic: the baby may suspect something is wrong. It’s better to tell him that mom and dad did gymnastics for adults - with its help, adults express love for each other and have fun. To prevent your child from being jealous, remind him that you love him too, only love for children is expressed differently. And that children also have many ways to have fun: for example, eating ice cream or watching a cartoon. This way you will also distract his attention from a sensitive topic.
An older child needs to be explained that it is important for parents to sometimes be together just the two of them and show feelings not only for him, but also for each other. Therefore, the parent's room is the personal space of adults, and before entering it, you need to knock on the door and ask if it is the right time for a visit. (By the way, a teenager should have exactly the same rights and know that parents, for their part, respect the boundaries of his own territory.) In conclusion, politely ask what your child really wanted from you.
Be careful in future
Next time try to warn everyone possible options the appearance of unwanted guests, provide yourself with reliable conditions for privacy. For example, make love when your child is not at home, or at least 10 minutes after he falls asleep. Close the door to the room where you decide to retire, at least for the duration of your intimacy. If your child is in the apartment with you, do not make loud noises or mask them by relaxing under the shower in a locked bathroom.
“Even as parents of several children, remember that sex life is very important for a couple. Therefore, try to regularly find time and place to be alone with each other,” advises psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva.
Interviewed by Irina Bareyko
Children's surprise Witnessing a nightly love scene between parents is serious stress for a child. What if this happened? Artem's parents divorced when he was 5 years old. Soon his father went on vacation to the lake with his future new wife and took the boy with him. We slept in a tent: he and the woman in one sleeping bag, his son in the other. At night, the child woke up from his dad’s exclamations: “I love you! I have never loved anyone so much!” And the boy was terribly frightened by the movements of adults. he lay awake until the morning, and in the morning he quietly went into the forest. The child was found only in the evening; he did not answer questions. After this, the parents did not know how to behave with their son. According to their stories, he didn’t even want to look at them. A child psychologist the boy said that, having heard the words spoken by his father at night, he realized that he was no longer loved, his parents did not need him (there was a transfer of negative perception from the father and to the mother, which often happens in children under stress). I felt resentment, fear, despair. In addition, he did not understand what dad was doing with his aunt; according to him, dad “pressed and twisted her.” For several more years the boy needed the attention of psychologists. In the same room Today, many children live in the same or adjacent room with their parents, which means they can unwittingly become witnesses to intimate scenes. This often happens on vacation, when a family puts an extra children's bed in the room. Why can seeing or even hearing sexual intercourse cause a stress reaction in a 5-6 year old child? He perceives the cries of his mother and father as paternal aggression against his mother (less often vice versa) or as a threat to both of them. The child gets scared; he acutely feels his helplessness in the face of an imaginary danger. Finally, intimacy The child may perceive parents with declarations of love as treason. After all, neither dad nor mom had ever hugged him for so long. The reaction to an intimate scene involving one of the parents and a stranger can be especially acute. The resulting feeling of hostility both “for one’s own” and “for someone else’s” can then affect the relationship for a long time and interfere with the perception of the stepfather or stepmother. Prevent the consequences How can you prevent the consequences of stress in a child who has seen or heard parents having sexual intercourse? 
Don't show that you're uncomfortable. Don’t scold him for spying or going “where he shouldn’t.” The best thing is to hug and reassure, and then talk about what you saw in the most neutral terms: “We were fooling around, playing, this is what happens to adults when they love each other.” Do not speak to your child with hints that he does not understand; try to avoid phrases like: “You’re still small, you won’t understand,” otherwise he will fixate his attention on what happened.
