Children's aggression: advice from a psychologist. Aggressive behavior in children

Parents often turn to psychologists with complaints about the behavior of their children. Depending on their age, they get into arguments, “snarl” at requests and comments, can kick, bite and break toys and behave like little devils. This behavior can make you angry, cause confusion, shame if others complain about the child, and the thoughts “why do everyone’s children look like children, but I have you?”

Let's figure out how it manifests itself childhood aggression and what parents can do.

Aggression is activity aimed at causing harm to one’s own health, people, animals, or external objects. Based on the desire to harm.

At the same time, it is a power that is inherent in all animals. This is the nervous excitement and energy necessary to realize one’s own desires and self-defense. In nature, even hares can actively fight for their lives and fight with birds of prey. Life without aggression at all deprives you of courage and the ability to defend your interests.

But here we are looking at those aspects that cause inconvenience to others.

At two years old, children often bite; for them it is both a way of understanding the world and a means of defending their rights, expressing their dissatisfaction with failures and a way to assert themselves. They may also try to hit a parent or peer.

By the age of three, a child has better control of his body and his repertoire of aggression expands: he can spit, bite, kick, throw objects, hit others and throw tantrums. But at this age it is easy to distract the child, to switch the baby’s attention to something else.

By the age of 4-5, verbal aggression is added, children call names more, but use their teeth or toys less. At the same time, they still evaluate everything around them in polar terms of good and bad, it is difficult for them to imagine the experiences of another, to take their point of view. Girls may quickly add new forms of protest, such as silence and ignoring.

By 6-7 years childhood aggression can manifest itself in any of the ways described, the new acquisition is revenge. Often it is used to hide other emotions - fear, displeasure, resentment.

Younger schoolchildren already have a certain level of self-control and are able to suppress aggression as a way of expressing resentment, displeasure, and fear. Boys act openly, apply physical strength– they fight, trip them up, “click” them on the forehead. Girls choose indirect and verbal methods - ridicule, nicknames, gossip, ignoring, silence.

With age, speech skills and control of one's emotions improve, and at the same time childhood aggression becomes more sophisticated and painful for others. IN adolescence With hormonal changes in the body, even previously calm children become more sensitive and aggressive.

What usually happens: emotions are contagious, an angry child makes his parents angry, they yell back at him or say “Stop it! Don't yell! Calm down!”, in essence, adults impose a ban on experiencing anger.

But children’s aggression does not go away from a simple ban, if you do not show how you can show anger or dissatisfaction, aggression is simply transferred to relationships with others (auto-aggression - harm to yourself, to peers - especially those who are weaker, animals).

At the other extreme, with harsh suppression of aggression by parents, there may be an option when the child becomes lethargic, fearful and withdrawn.

Parents should remember that child aggression always has reasons, and if you understand them, then it will be easier to cope with the child’s “terrible” behavior.

A common reason is the indifference of parents to the affairs and interests of the child or the imposition of their will, lack of choice even in small everyday issues (what to wear, what to eat).

For a child, ignoring requests, breaking things and turning over plates of food is a way to convey his dissatisfaction, defend the boundaries of his personality and desires, and achieve at least some attention.

Example: If adults do not remember and do not fulfill their promises, for example, to go to the park and buy ice cream, then anger is a completely expected reaction on the part of the child.

Children's aggression can be used as a way to establish themselves among peers or adults

Example: If a stern dad criticizes and punishes his son a lot, while achievements and attempts to please him go unnoticed, the child may fight in the kindergarten or school in order to gain the respect that is lacking at home. Or disobey mom and grandma as “compensation” for dad’s strictness.

For young children, this is the way they communicate when they are feeling low, tired, or otherwise emotionally distressed because they often cannot name what they are experiencing.

Example: If by the end of the walk your baby has become capricious or is fighting with those with whom he was peacefully playing half an hour ago, he is simply tired from the abundance of impressions and may be thirsty. If a boy is offended and upset (his sister ate his candy), but has learned that “boys don’t cry,” he can stomp his feet and scream, throw her toys away, turning the offense into anger.

For older children, this is the easiest way to achieve status or leadership; they express their inner uncertainty and dissatisfaction through opposite behavior

Example: A 9-year-old boy was brought to a psychologist who regularly provoked fights with other children, called names and kicked. Not only his classmates, but also children from other classes were afraid of him. In a conversation with the bully, why he does this, it was said, “Nobody needs me,” dad drank, mom was missing two jobs.

Children need to move a lot, explore the world, but if this is not possible or they are constantly instructed to “sit quietly, don’t disturb”, and instead of games or drawing they are asked to watch TV/tablet, then unspent energy can result in aggression. If possible, enroll your child in sports section, any sport teaches self-control and self-control.

If you cannot establish the reasons, and child aggression is present in almost every situation, then this may indicate serious emotional disturbances. Sometimes this happens after illness or due to a delay in the development of brain structures responsible for controlling behavior and emotions. Such a child should be taken to a psychologist.

If the child is small, watch how he interacts with his peers, if older, talk to the child, find out what motivated him (maybe he was worried about a specific child whom he hit, maybe some child accidentally fell on him, and your child thought that it was intentional and I decided to answer him)

Be prepared to apologize if you yourself offended your child with an action, shouting or inattention, thereby making it clear that you respect him. Children quickly adopt the example of behavior from their family.

With young children, you can play out an exciting situation with the help of dolls or other toys, for example, “How a tiger cub offended a bear, and what to do now,” “How difficult it is to be friends with a mouse that calls names.” Use the example of fairy tales to show how unpleasant someone who fights looks (barmaley, karabas-barabas). This approach is very understandable and close to children.

If children's aggression is directed at you, then you can hold the child's hands (only carefully), or move away so that he cannot hit you. With small children, it is better not to disappear from the child’s sight so that he does not feel abandoned. When you leave, say that when the child calms down, you will be happy to talk or play with him.

At the same time, analyze your own requirements - aren’t they excessive or feasible based on your age? And how do you convey these demands: do you give a choice, ask, or does everything happen in the form of an order?

• Tell your child his feelings, talk about his feelings.“I see that you are angry now,” “You are upset,” “You are angry.” The child will learn to recognize his feelings and manage them over time.
• Repeat every time that all feelings are good, all feelings can be. “You're angry and that's okay. I get angry sometimes too"
• Give an assessment only to the behavior, but not to the child as a whole.. “Being angry is good. But hitting a cat is bad. You shouldn’t do that,” “I love you, but I don’t like it when you fight.”
• Together with your child, find ways to get out of the situation that do not involve aggressive behavior.. “You can show that you are angry in a different way” “You can express your anger with words”
• Collaborate with your child. “Let’s figure out together how you can talk about your anger,” “You want (one thing), and I want (another thing), what should we do?”

Remember what helps you cope with your emotions and share this secret with your child.

The best way to deal with aggression is prevention with attention and love:

• Express approval of your child’s independent actions, allow him to be independent.
• Try to become an adviser, not a prohibitor; find time to discuss his life before emergencies.
• Praise your children more often; this is not enough at any age.
• Allow yourself to recognize your child’s views and express agreement if it does not affect something fundamentally important - your authority will not be threatened, and your offspring’s self-esteem will be strengthened.

Recognizing the child's right to defend himself, help him cope with the situation in which the child's aggression arose. The child had to attack because he does not know how else to cope with the situation. It is important not to suppress and prohibit the manifestation of aggression, but to find acceptable forms for it. By completely denying a child aggression and struggle, we deprive him of protection, disarm him, without giving anything in return.

If you have any questions or cannot understand the reason why your child is aggressive, disobedient, capricious or has sudden mood swings, I invite you to a consultation where together we can find an approach to the child, determine his needs and establish a dialogue, we will teach parents and children techniques , which will help you avoid conflicts, but convey your interests to others.

A baby is always associated with a friendly little one who willingly makes contact with others. Imagine the surprise of parents when their child receives numerous complaints, and one fine day mom and dad see the child’s aggression towards other children. Why are such colossal changes happening?

Aggression in children requires mandatory correction

Definition of aggressiveness in children

Aggression is destructive behavior directed at other people, which brings physical and mental suffering. Not only the surrounding parents suffer from this condition, but also the child himself; the environment is rejected from him, the baby begins to feel resentment. Negative emotions grow like a snowball, misunderstanding of others gives rise to new attacks of aggressive behavior.

Types of aggression in children

It has been noted that aggression is activated when a child joins a children's group. When he was with his family with his mom and dad, he was the center of attention. IN kindergarten one teacher and at least twenty people like him.

In case of aggressive behavior, diseases of the nervous system should be excluded. In the total number of cases of aggressive behavior, these reasons occupy a small percentage. The difficulty is that it is impossible to work with such children without a comprehensive examination and drug treatment.

Why is early education important?

In other cases, most problems can be solved with the help of education. The process of interaction with the child must begin from the first meeting. It has been proven that a child remembers treatment from his parents from the first days of life. When a child has his own children, he copies the behavior of his parents.

Aggression can appear in early childhood

It has been noticed why children who were fed little breast milk, often aggressive. In the developmental history of an aggressive child, early weaning occurs.

Close contact with the mother gives the child a feeling of security and tenderness, which the child carries through all childhood years.

Under one year of age - an aggressive child, what should I do?

Many adults consider aggression to be an innate quality, because many children often cry and throw hysterics. But such a reaction of a newborn is nothing more than the ability to express his emotions. With a cry, the baby expresses various emotions and needs.

Parental aggression is passed on to children

From the age of one year, the child begins to show strong emotions. The baby masters sitting, crawling, walking, and speaks his first words. If the child does not get what he wants, he expresses his dissatisfaction with a wave of protest. If a child tries to get this from an adult, then anger may arise towards him, the child may hit him painfully, pinch him, or throw a tantrum. At this moment, older relatives try to divert the child’s attention, at first they succeed.

Why can’t you limit a child’s desires and aspirations?

It is necessary to prepare a safe space for the baby where he can exercise. For example, a child likes to get things from a shelf in a chest of drawers. For its safety, you can close all the other shelves, and put soft things without dangerous fittings on the lowest one. This way the baby will fulfill his wish and remain safe.

A child’s protest and dissatisfaction is not yet true aggression; problems may arise later. Important with early years do not shake the child’s psyche and do not kill his desire to understand the world.

Children between 2 and 3 years old

Each child develops individually, there is no specific development for this age. Your child may approach this crisis stage six months late or, conversely, earlier. It is necessary to clearly monitor the signs of aggression in the child’s behavior.

From this moment on, the child distinguishes himself from other people, his personality is formed. The baby begins to say: “I myself, mine, give me!” The child shows independence and tries to do all the actions alone. You cannot suppress the child’s wishes; in this case, you will encounter resistance and misunderstanding.

Aggression can manifest itself towards things, parents, strangers

Resentment may begin due to a minor event. An aggressive child reaches out for a toy, fails to grab it, at first there is a loud cry, all attempts to calm the child are met with irreconcilable resistance.

Why does a child react to words with aggression?

Attacks of aggression can be caused not only in response to actions, but also to words. The beginnings of this condition can be observed when the baby has a poor vocabulary. When trying to explain his desires and aspirations, he encounters misunderstanding and laughter. It is very important to be sensitive to any verbal expression of feelings by a child, including otherwise The child will develop anger and resentment.

Aggression can manifest itself verbally, in actions and in hysterics

Children from 4 years to school age

As the baby grows and develops, his speech and sense of control over his emotions and actions improve. By this age, children skillfully begin to control their actions, as a rule, they fight less often, although some children continue to sort things out with physical force. Although some continue to take away toys, fight and bite their peers.

Aggression among schoolchildren is often directed at peers

By the age of 4-5 years, children begin to engage in active debate. They try to humiliate the dignity of the child they don’t like with words, they start calling them names and swearing. Why from the mouth little man can you hear obscene language? The child usually absorbs this behavior from family communication. It is very important not to sort things out in front of the child.

If your child is noticed in this type of aggression, you should have a serious conversation with him and change relationships in the family. The best example is your own friendly attitude. Tell your child not to humiliate the dignity of other children.

Aggressive behavior a child speaks of an excess of emotions and energy. Perhaps it makes sense to place your child in a section or circle where he will be physically and emotionally involved. Exercises based on competition, martial arts, competitions are very useful in this regard.

Teenager and aggression

Why is it difficult to work with this age group?

The most tragic stage in the development of aggression is at the age of 11-14 years, if it is easier to work with the child, there will be a greater positive response. In the case of aggression in a grown-up offspring, everything is much more complicated. The roots of the problem are still in the family. Many parents are very busy people, they don’t have enough time to sit down and just talk with their child, all communication is limited to stock phrases.

Cope with teenage aggression It’s not very easy, you need a consultation with a psychologist. A detailed conversation is needed about the importance of your work, the child is not working yet, the standard of living of all family members directly depends on your employment.

The struggle ahead is not easy, but you need to try and believe in success. There are no hopeless situations; if you don’t know what to do, look for the experience of other people and specialists.

Causes of childhood aggression:

The harmful influence of human society. A person cannot exist in isolation from society. However, the people with whom we and our children interact are not always filled with kindness and positivity. Due to age and lack of experience, a child is easily misled.

The cause of aggression is the attitude towards the child

Problems in communication in the family from childhood. Often the cause of a child’s aggression lies in discord in the family. Aggressive children often copy the behavior of adult family members. Some parents sort things out in front of their children, which can lead to swearing and fighting. You need to learn to control your emotions and teach your child this. In human society there are many ways to solve problems, aggression is neither physical nor psychological form not welcome.

Discomfort in society is one of the reasons for aggression

Mass media. This source of example for behavior haunts the child constantly. This is how aggressive children gradually turn into teenagers. There are many scenes of violence, swearing, and fights streaming from TV screens. A child from an early age is not protected from exposure in any way. If there was an adult between the child and the computer, TV, but parents always have no time. They leave communication with their beloved child for later. This is how a middle-aged child learns lessons from the media as truisms. Today, even children's cartoons have changed priorities. Good cartoons that teach basic truths are already in fashion. Today, young people rely on vivacity and audacity. This method of resolving conflicts does not lead to any good.

Psychologists believe. Internet leads to children's aggressiveness

Methods to combat childhood aggression

Punish a child if he really deserves it. All misdeeds should not remain without your assessment, the child should not feel impunity. If the child has shown himself on the positive side, then do not ignore it, your love and care will resonate.

What to do with an aggressive child

What mistakes should not be made when dealing with childhood aggression?

Get a pet. Children who hate the world may become attached to a puppy or kitten. Through this communication it will be easier to reach the child’s heart.

Similar materials

What is aggressiveness?

The word "aggression" comes from the Latin "agressio", which means "attack", "attack". The psychological dictionary provides the following definition of this term: “Aggression is motivated destructive behavior that contradicts the norms and rules of the existence of people in society, harming the objects of attack (animate and inanimate), causing physical and moral harm to people or causing them psychological discomfort (negative experiences, a state of tension, fear, depression, etc.)".

Reasons for aggression Children can be very different. Some somatic diseases or brain diseases contribute to the emergence of aggressive qualities. It should be noted that upbringing in the family plays a huge role, from the first days of a child’s life. Sociologist M. Mead has proven that in cases where a child is abruptly weaned and communication with the mother is reduced to a minimum, children develop such qualities as anxiety, suspicion, cruelty, aggressiveness, and selfishness. And vice versa, when there is gentleness in communication with a child, the child is surrounded by care and attention, these qualities are not developed.

The development of aggressive behavior is greatly influenced by the nature of the punishments that parents usually use in response to the manifestation of anger in their child. In such situations, two polar methods of influence can be used: either leniency or severity. Paradoxically, aggressive children are equally common in parents who are too lenient and those who are overly strict.

Studies have shown that parents who sharply suppress aggressiveness in their children, contrary to their expectations, do not eliminate this quality, but, on the contrary, cultivate it, developing excessive aggressiveness in their son or daughter, which will manifest itself even in adulthood. After all, everyone knows that evil only breeds evil, and aggression only breeds aggression.
If parents do not pay any attention to the aggressive reactions of their child, then he very soon begins to believe that such behavior is permissible, and single outbursts of anger imperceptibly develop into the habit of acting aggressively.

Only parents who know how to find a reasonable compromise, a “golden mean,” can teach their children to cope with aggression.

Portrait of an aggressive child

In almost every kindergarten group, in every class, there is at least one child with signs of aggressive behavior. He attacks other children, calls them names and beats them, takes away and breaks toys, deliberately uses rude language, in a word, becomes a “thunderstorm” for everyone children's group, a source of grief for educators and parents. This ruff, pugnacious, rude child It is very difficult to accept him as he is, and even more difficult to understand.

However, an aggressive child, like any other, needs affection and help from adults, because his aggression is, first of all, a reflection of internal discomfort, the inability to adequately respond to events happening around him.

An aggressive child often feels rejected and unwanted. The cruelty and indifference of parents leads to a breakdown in the child-parent relationship and instills in the child’s soul the confidence that he is not loved. “How to become loved and needed” is an insoluble problem facing a little man. So he is looking for ways to attract the attention of adults and peers. Unfortunately, these searches do not always end as we and the child would like, but he does not know how to do better.

This is how N.L. describes it. Kryazheva’s behavior of these children: “An aggressive child, using every opportunity, ... seeks to anger his mother, teacher, and peers. He “does not calm down” until the adults explode and the children get into a fight” (1997, p. 105).

Parents and teachers do not always understand what the child is trying to achieve and why he behaves this way, although he knows in advance that he may receive rebuff from children, and punishment from adults. In reality, this is sometimes just a desperate attempt to win one’s “place in the sun.” The child has no idea how else to fight for survival in this strange and cruel world, how to protect himself.

Aggressive children are very often suspicious and wary, they like to shift the blame for the quarrel they started onto others. For example, while playing in the sandbox during a walk, two children from the preparatory group got into a fight. Roma hit Sasha with a shovel. When asked by the teacher why he did this, Roma sincerely answered: “Sasha had a shovel in his hands, and I was very afraid that he would hit me.” According to the teacher, Sasha did not show any intentions to offend or hit Roma, but Roma perceived this situation as threatening.

Such children often cannot assess their own aggressiveness. They do not notice that they instill fear and anxiety in those around them. On the contrary, it seems to them that the whole world wants to offend them. Thus, a vicious circle results: aggressive children fear and hate those around them, and those, in turn, fear them.

At the Doverie PPMS center in the city of Lomonosov, a mini-survey was conducted among older preschoolers, the purpose of which was to find out how they understand aggressiveness. Here are the answers given by aggressive and non-aggressive children (Table 4).

The emotional world of aggressive children is not rich enough; their palette of feelings is dominated by gloomy tones, and the number of reactions even to standard situations is very limited. Most often these are defensive reactions. In addition, children cannot look at themselves from the outside and adequately evaluate their behavior.

Table 4. Understanding of aggression by older preschoolers

Question	Responses from aggressive children	Responses from non-aggressive children
1. Which people do you consider aggressive?	Mom and dad, because they swear, beat, fight (50% of children surveyed)	Indians, bandits, hunters, because they kill people and animals (63% boys, 80% girls)
2. What would you do if you met an aggressive adult?	Started to fight”, “I would hit” (83% of boys, 27% of girls), “I would splash, get dirty” (36% of girls)	I just passed by and turned away" (83% of boys, 40% of girls), "I would call my friends for help" (50% of girls)
3. What would you do if you met an aggressive boy (girl)?	I would fight" (92% of boys, 54% of girls), "I would run away" (36% of girls)	I would leave, run away" (83% boys, 50% girls)
4. Do you consider yourself aggressive?	“No” - 88% of boys, 54% of girls “Yes” - 12% of boys, 46% of girls	“No” 92% of boys, 100% of girls. "Yes" - 8% of boys

Thus, children often adopt aggressive forms of behavior from their parents.

How to identify an aggressive child

Aggressive children need understanding and support from adults, so our main task is not to make an “accurate” diagnosis, much less “give a label,” but to provide all possible and timely assistance to kid.

As a rule, it is not difficult for educators and teachers to determine which of the children has a higher level of aggressiveness. But in controversial cases, you can use the criteria for determining aggressiveness, which were developed by American psychologists M. Alvord and P. Baker.

Aggression criteria (child observation scheme)
Child:

1. Often loses control of himself.
2. Often argues and quarrels with adults.
3. Often refuses to follow rules.
4. Often deliberately annoys people.
5. Often blames others for his mistakes.
6. Often gets angry and refuses to do anything.
7. Often envious and vindictive.
8. Sensitive, reacts very quickly to various actions of others (children and adults), which often irritate him.

It can be assumed that a child is aggressive only if at least 4 of the 8 listed signs have been manifested in his behavior for at least 6 months.

A child whose behavior is observed a large number of signs of aggressiveness, the help of a specialist is needed: a psychologist or a doctor.

In addition, in order to identify aggressiveness in a child in a kindergarten group or in a classroom, you can use a special questionnaire developed for educators (Lavrentieva G.P., Titarenko T.M., 1992).

Criteria for aggressiveness in a child (questionnaire)

1. At times it seems that he is possessed by an evil spirit.
2. He cannot remain silent when he is dissatisfied with something.
3. When someone does him harm, he always tries to repay the same.
4. Sometimes he feels like cursing for no reason.
5. It happens that he takes pleasure in breaking toys, smashing something, gutting something.
6. Sometimes he insists on something so much that those around him lose patience.
7. He doesn't mind teasing animals.
8. It's hard to argue with him.
9. He gets very angry when he thinks that someone is making fun of him.
10. Sometimes he has a desire to do something bad, shocking those around him.
11. In response to ordinary orders, he strives to do the opposite.
12. Often grouchy beyond his age.
13. Perceives himself as independent and decisive.
14. Likes to be the first, to command, to subjugate others.
15. Failures cause him great irritation and a desire to find someone to blame.
16. He quarrels easily and gets into fights.
17. Tries to communicate with younger and physically weaker people.
18. He often has bouts of gloomy irritability.
19. Doesn't take into account peers, doesn't yield, doesn't share.
20. I am confident that he will complete any task to the best of his ability.

A positive answer to each proposed statement is scored 1 point.
High aggressiveness - 15-20 points.
Average aggressiveness -7-14 points.
Low aggressiveness -1-6 points.

We present these criteria so that the educator or teacher, having identified an aggressive child, can subsequently develop his own strategy of behavior with him and help him adapt to the children's team.

How to help an aggressive child

Why do you think children fight, bite and push, and sometimes in response to any, even friendly, treatment they “explode” and rage?

There can be many reasons for this behavior. But often children do exactly this because they don’t know how to do otherwise. Unfortunately, their behavioral repertoire is quite limited, and if we give them the opportunity to choose how to behave, children will gladly respond to the offer, and our communication with them will become more effective and enjoyable for both parties.

This advice (providing a choice in how to interact) is especially relevant when it comes to aggressive children. Job educators and teachers with this category of children should be carried out in three directions:

1. Working with anger. Teaching aggressive children acceptable ways to express anger.
2. Teaching children the skills of recognition and control, the ability to control themselves in situations that provoke outbursts of anger.
3. Formation of the ability to empathy, trust, sympathy, empathy, etc.

Dealing with anger

What is anger? This is a feeling of intense resentment, which is accompanied by a loss of control over oneself. Unfortunately, in our culture, it is generally accepted that expressing anger is an undignified reaction. Already in childhood This idea is instilled in us by adults - parents, grandparents, teachers. However, psychologists do not recommend holding back this emotion every time, since in this way we can become a kind of “piggy bank of anger.” In addition, having driven anger inside, a person will most likely sooner or later feel the need to throw it out. But not on the one who caused this feeling, but on the one who “turned up” or on the one who is weaker and cannot fight back. Even if we try very hard and do not succumb to the seductive way of “erupting” anger, our “piggy bank,” replenished day by day with new negative emotions, may one day “burst.” Moreover, this does not necessarily end in hysterics and screams. Negative feelings that are released can “settle” inside us, which will lead to various somatic problems: headaches, stomach and cardiovascular diseases. K. Izard (1999) publishes clinical data obtained by Holt, which indicates that a person who constantly suppresses his anger is more at risk of psychosomatic disorders. According to Holt, unexpressed anger can be one of the causes of diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis, urticaria, psoriasis, stomach ulcers, migraines, hypertension, etc.

That is why one must free oneself from anger. Of course, this does not mean that everyone is allowed to fight and bite. We just have to learn ourselves and teach our children how to express anger in acceptable, non-destructive ways.
Since the feeling of anger most often arises as a result of restriction of freedom, then at the moment of the highest “intensity of passions” it is necessary to allow the child to do something that, perhaps, is not usually welcomed by us. Moreover, much depends on the form in which - verbal or physical - the child expresses his anger.

For example, in a situation where a child is angry with a peer and calls him names, you can draw the offender together with him, depict him in the form and in the situation in which the “offended” person wants. If the child knows how to write, you can let him sign the drawing the way he wants, if he doesn’t know how, you can sign it under his dictation. Of course, such work should be carried out one on one with the child, out of sight of the opponent.

This method of working with verbal aggression is recommended by V. Oklender. In her book “Windows into the World of a Child” (M., 1997) she describes her own experience of using this approach. After this work, the children preschool age(6-7 years) usually experience relief.

True, in our society such “free” communication is not encouraged, especially the use of swear words and expressions by children in the presence of adults. But as practice shows, without expressing everything that has accumulated in the soul and on the tongue, the child will not calm down. Most likely, he will shout insults in the face of his “enemy,” provoking him to respond to abuse and attracting more and more “spectators.” As a result, the conflict between two children will escalate into a group-wide or even violent fight.

Perhaps a child who is not satisfied with the current situation, who is afraid for one reason or another to enter into open opposition, but nevertheless thirsts for revenge, will choose another path: he will persuade his peers not to play with the offender. This behavior works like a time bomb. A group conflict will inevitably flare up, only it will “mature” longer and involve a larger number of participants. The method proposed by V. Oaklander can help avoid many troubles and will help resolve the conflict situation.

Example
The preparatory group of the kindergarten was attended by two friends - two Alenas: Alena S. and Alena E. They were inseparable from nursery group but, nevertheless, they argued endlessly and even fought. One day, when a psychologist came into the group, he saw that Alena S., not listening to the teacher who was trying to calm her down, was throwing everything that came to her hand and shouting that she hated everyone. The arrival of the psychologist could not have come at a more opportune time. Alena S., who really loved going into the psychological office, “allowed herself to be taken away.”
In the psychologist's office, she was given the opportunity to choose her own activity. First, she took a huge inflatable hammer and began to hit the walls and floor with all her might, then she pulled out two rattles from the toy box and began to rattle them with delight. Alena did not answer the psychologist’s questions about what happened and who she was angry with, but she gladly agreed to the offer to draw together. The psychologist drew a big house, and the girl exclaimed: “I know, this is our kindergarten!”

No further help from an adult was needed: Alena began to draw and explain her drawings. First, a sandbox appeared in which small figures were located - the children of the group. Nearby there was a flower bed with flowers, a house, and a gazebo. The girl drew more and more small details, as if delaying the moment when she would have to draw something important for her. After some time, she drew a swing and said: “That’s it. I don’t want to draw anymore.” However, after hanging around the office, she again went to the sheet and drew a picture of a very small girl on a swing. When the psychologist asked who it was, Alena first answered that she didn’t know herself, but then added, after thinking: “It’s Alena E.. Let her go for a ride. I let her.” Then she spent a long time coloring her rival’s dress, first drew a bow in her hair, and then even a crown on her head, while explaining how good and kind Alena E. is. But then the artist suddenly stopped and gasped: “Ah!!! Alena fell from the swing! What will happen now? She got her dress dirty! (The dress is painted over with a black pencil with such pressure that even the paper can’t stand it, it tears). Mom and Dad they will scold her today, and maybe even beat her with a belt and put her in a corner. The crown fell off and rolled into the bushes (the painted golden crown suffers the same fate as the dress). Ugh, her face is dirty, her nose is broken (everything is painted over with a red pencil). face), her hair is disheveled (instead of a neat braid with a bow, a halo of black scribbles appears in the picture). Just think, who’s going to play with her now? There’s no need for her to give orders! I also know how to command. Now let him go wash himself, and we’re not as dirty as she is, we’ll all play together, without her.” Alena, completely satisfied, draws next to the defeated enemy a group of children surrounding the swing on which she, Alena S., is sitting. Then suddenly she draws another figure next to it. “This is Alena E.. She has already washed up,” she explains and asks, “Can I go to the group already?” Returning to the playroom, Alena S., as if nothing had happened, joins the playing guys. What happened in really? Probably, during the walk, the two inseparable Alenas, as always, were fighting for leadership. This time, the sympathies of the “spectators” were on the side of Alena E. Having expressed her anger on paper, her rival calmed down and came to terms with what was happening.

Of course, in this situation, another technique could have been used, the main thing is that the child would have the opportunity to free himself from the overwhelming anger in an acceptable way.

Another way to help children legally express verbal aggression is to play a game of name calling with them. Experience shows that children who have the opportunity to throw out negative emotions with the permission of the teacher, and after this hear something pleasant about themselves, decrease the desire to act aggressively.

Help children in an accessible way The so-called “Bag for Screams” (in other cases - “Cup for Screams”, “Magic Pipe “Scream””, etc.) can express anger, and the teacher can carry out the lesson without hindrance. Before the start of the lesson, every child who wants to can go up to the “Scream Bag” and scream into it as loudly as possible. In this way he “gets rid” of his screaming for the duration of the lesson. After the lesson, children can “take back” their cry. Usually at the end of the lesson, the children leave the contents of the “Bag” with jokes and laughter for the teacher as a souvenir.

Every teacher, of course, has many ways of working with verbal manifestations of anger. We have listed only those that have proven effective in our practice. However, children are not always limited to a verbal (verbal) reaction to events. Very often, impulsive children first use their fists, and only then come up with offensive words. In such cases, we should also teach children how to cope with their physical aggression.

An educator or teacher, seeing that the children have “grown up” and are ready to enter into a “fight,” can instantly react and organize, for example, sports competitions in running, jumping, and throwing balls. Moreover, the offenders can be included in one team or be on rival teams. It depends on the situation and the depth of the conflict. At the end of the competition, it is best to have a group discussion during which each child can express the feelings that accompany him while completing the task.

Of course, holding competitions and relay races is not always advisable. In this case, you can use the available tools that need to be equipped for each kindergarten group and each class. Light balls that a child can throw at a target; soft pillows that an angry child can kick and hit; rubber hammers that can be used to hit the wall and floor with all your might; newspapers that can be crumpled and thrown without fear of breaking or destroying anything - all these items can help reduce emotional and muscle tension if we teach children to use them in extreme situations.

It is clear that in a classroom during a lesson a child cannot kick a tin can if he was pushed by a neighbor on his desk. But each student can create, for example, a “Sheet of Anger” (Fig. 2). Usually it is a format sheet that depicts some funny monster with a huge trunk, long ears or eight legs (at the author’s discretion). The owner of the leaf, at the moment of greatest emotional stress, can crush it and tear it. This option will do in the event that a fit of anger seizes the child during a lesson.

However, most often conflict situations arise during changes. Then you can play group games with the children (some of them are described in the section “How to play with aggressive children”). Well, in a kindergarten group it is advisable to have approximately the following arsenal of toys: inflatable dolls, rubber hammers, toy weapons.

True, many adults do not want their children to play with pistols, rifles and sabers, even toy ones. Some mothers do not buy their sons weapons at all, and teachers prohibit them from bringing them to the group. Adults think that playing with weapons provokes children into aggressive behavior and contributes to the emergence and manifestation of cruelty.

However, it’s no secret that even if boys don’t have pistols and machine guns, most of them will still play war, using rulers, sticks, clubs, and tennis rackets instead of toy weapons. The image of a male warrior, living in the imagination of every boy, is impossible without the weapons that adorn him. Therefore, from century to century, from year to year, our children (and not always only boys) play war. And who knows, maybe this is a harmless way to vent your anger. In addition, everyone knows that the forbidden fruit is especially sweet. By persistently prohibiting games with weapons, we thereby help to stimulate interest in this type of game. Well, we can advise those parents who are still against pistols, machine guns, and bayonets: let them try to offer their child a worthy alternative. Maybe it will work! Moreover, there are many ways to work with anger and relieve a child’s physical stress. For example, playing with sand, water, clay.

You can make a figurine of your offender from clay (or you can even scratch his name with something sharp), break it, crush it, flatten it between your palms, and then restore it if desired. Moreover, it is precisely the fact that a child, at his own request, can destroy and restore his work that attracts children most of all.

Children also really like playing with sand, as well as with clay. When angry with someone, a child can bury a figurine symbolizing the enemy deep in the sand, jump in this place, pour water into it, and cover it with cubes and sticks. For this purpose, children often use small toys from Kinder Surprises. Moreover, sometimes they first place the figurine in a capsule and only then bury it.

By burying and digging up toys, working with loose sand, the child gradually calms down, returns to playing in a group or invites peers to play sand with him, but in other, not at all aggressive games. Thus the world is restored.

Small pools of water placed in a kindergarten group are a real godsend for a teacher when working with all categories of children, especially aggressive ones.
Much has been written about the psychotherapeutic properties of water. good books, and every adult probably knows how to use water to relieve aggression and unnecessary tension in children. Here are some examples playing with water , which were invented by the children themselves.

1. Use one rubber ball to knock down other balls floating on the water.
2. Blow a boat out of a pipe. First, sink it, and then watch how a light plastic figure “jumps” out of the water.
3. Use a stream of water to knock down light toys that are in the water (for this you can use shampoo bottles filled with water).

We looked at the first direction in working with aggressive children, which can roughly be called “working with anger.” I would like to note that anger does not necessarily lead to aggression, but the more often a child or adult experiences feelings of anger, the higher the likelihood of manifestation various forms aggressive behavior.

Training in recognizing and controlling negative emotions
The next very responsible and no less important area is teaching the skills of recognizing and controlling negative emotions. An aggressive child does not always admit that he is aggressive. Moreover, deep down in his soul he is sure of the opposite: everyone around him is aggressive. Unfortunately, such children cannot always adequately assess their condition, much less the condition of those around them.
As noted above, the emotional world of aggressive children is very scarce. They can hardly name just a few basic emotional states, and they don’t even imagine the existence of others (or their shades). It is not difficult to guess that in this case it is difficult for children to recognize their own and other people’s emotions.

To train the skill of recognizing emotional states, you can use cut-out templates, sketches by M.I. Chistyakova (1990), exercises and games developed by N.L. Kryazheva (1997), as well as large tables and posters depicting various emotional states.

In a group or class where such a poster is located, children will definitely come up to it before the start of classes and indicate their condition, even if the teacher does not ask them to do so, since each of them is pleased to draw the attention of an adult to themselves.

You can teach children to carry out the reverse procedure: they themselves can come up with the names of the emotional states depicted on the poster. Children must indicate what mood the funny people are in.

Another way to teach a child to recognize his emotional state and develop the need to talk about it is through drawing. Children can be asked to make drawings on the topics: “When I am angry”, “When I am happy”, “When I am happy”, etc. To this end, place on an easel (or simply on a large sheet on the wall) pre-drawn figures of people depicted in various situations, but without drawn faces. Then the child can, if desired, come up and complete the drawing.

In order for children to be able to correctly assess their condition, and at the right time to manage it, it is necessary to teach each child to understand himself, and, above all, the sensations of his body. First, you can practice in front of a mirror: let the child say what mood he is in at the moment and how he feels. Children are very sensitive to the signals of their body and easily describe them. For example, if a child is angry, he most often defines his condition as follows: “My heart is pounding, my stomach is tickling, I want to scream in my throat, my fingers feel like needles are pricking me, my cheeks are hot, my palms are itching, etc.”

We can teach children to accurately assess their emotional state, and therefore, respond in a timely manner to the signals that the body gives us. Denis the Menace director Dave Rogers draws the audience's attention to hidden signal who serves main character film - six-year-old Denis. Every time before the boy gets into trouble, we see his restless running fingers, which the cameraman shows in close-up. Then we see the child’s “burning” eyes, and only after this does another prank follow.

Thus, the child, if he correctly “deciphers” the message of his body, will be able to understand: “My condition is close to critical. Wait for the storm.” And if the child also knows several acceptable ways to express anger, he can have time to make the right decision, thereby preventing conflict.

Of course, teaching a child to recognize his emotional state and its management will be successful only if it is carried out systematically, day after day, for quite a long time.

In addition to the methods of work already described, the teacher can use others: talking with the child, drawing and, of course, playing. The section “How to play with aggressive children” describes games recommended in such situations, but I would like to talk about one of them in more detail.

We first became acquainted with this game by reading K. Fopel’s book “How to Teach Children to Cooperate” (M., 1998). It's called "Pebble in a Shoe." At first, the game seemed to us quite difficult for preschoolers, and we offered it to teachers of grades 1 and 2 for use during extracurricular activities. However, having felt the interest of the guys and serious attitude to the game, we tried to play it in kindergarten. I liked the game. Moreover, very soon it moved from the category of games to the category of daily rituals, the implementation of which became absolutely necessary for the successful course of life in the group.

It is useful to play this game when one of the children is offended, angry, upset, when internal experiences prevent the child from doing something, when a conflict is brewing in the group. Each participant has the opportunity to verbalize, that is, express in words, their state during the game, and communicate it to others. This helps reduce his emotional stress. If there are several instigators of an impending conflict, they will be able to hear about each other’s feelings and experiences, which may help smooth out the situation.

The game takes place in two stages.

Stage 1 (preparatory). Children sit in a circle on the carpet. The teacher asks: “Guys, has it ever happened that a pebble got into your shoe?” Usually children answer the question very actively, since almost every child 6-7 years old has a similar life experience. In a circle, everyone shares their impressions of how this happened. As a rule, the answers boil down to the following: “At first the pebble doesn’t really bother us, we try to move it away, find a comfortable position for the leg, but pain and discomfort gradually increases, a wound or callus may even appear. And then, even if we really don’t want to, we "We have to take off the shoe and shake out the pebble. It is almost always very tiny, and we are even surprised how such a small object could cause us such great pain. It seemed to us that there was a huge stone with sharp edges like a razor blade."

Next, the teacher asks the children: “Has it ever happened that you never shook out a pebble, but when you came home, you simply took off your shoes?” The children answer that this has already happened to many people. Then the pain in the leg freed from the shoe subsided, the incident was forgotten. But the next morning, putting our foot into the shoe, we suddenly felt a sharp pain when we came into contact with the ill-fated pebble. Pain, more intense than the day before, resentment, anger - these are the feelings children usually experience. So a small problem becomes a big nuisance.

Stage 2. The teacher tells the children: “When we are angry, preoccupied with something, excited, we perceive it as a small pebble in a shoe. If we immediately feel discomfort and pull it out of there, then the foot will remain unharmed. And if we leave the pebble in place, then We will most likely have problems, and quite a lot of them. Therefore, it is useful for all people - both adults and children - to talk about their problems as soon as they notice them.

Let's agree: if one of you says: “I have a pebble in my shoe,” we will all immediately understand that something is bothering you, and we can talk about it. Think about whether you now feel any displeasure, something that would bother you. If you feel it, tell us, for example: “I have a pebble in my shoe. I don’t like that Oleg breaks my buildings made of cubes.” Tell me what else you don't like. If nothing bothers you, you can say: “I don’t have a pebble in my shoe.”

In a circle, children tell what is bothering them at the moment and describe their feelings. It is useful to discuss individual “pebbles” that children will talk about in a circle. In this case, each participant in the game offers a peer who is in a difficult situation a way to get rid of the “pebble.”

After playing this game several times, children subsequently feel the need to talk about their problems. In addition, the game helps the teacher to carry out the educational process smoothly. After all, if children are worried about something, this “something” will not allow them to sit calmly in class and absorb the information. If the children get the opportunity to speak out and “let off steam,” then they can calmly begin their studies. The game "Pebble in a Shoe" is especially useful for anxious children. Firstly, if you play it every day, even very shy child will get used to it and gradually begin to talk about its difficulties (since this is not a new or dangerous, but a familiar and repetitive activity). Secondly, an anxious child, listening to stories about the problems of his peers, will understand that not only he suffers from fears, uncertainty, and resentment. It turns out that other children have the same problems as him. This means that he is the same as everyone else, no worse than everyone else. There is no need to isolate yourself, because any situation, even the most difficult, can be resolved through joint efforts. And the children who surround him are not at all evil and are always ready to help.

When the child learns to recognize his own emotions and talk about them, you can move on to the next stage of work.

Formation of the ability to empathy, trust, sympathy, compassion

Aggressive children tend to have low levels of empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel the state of another person, the ability to take his position. Aggressive children most often do not care about the suffering of others; they cannot even imagine that other people might feel unpleasant and bad. It is believed that if the aggressor can sympathize with the “victim,” his aggression will be weaker next time. Therefore, the work of a teacher in developing a child’s sense of empathy is so important.

One form of such work can be role-playing play, during which the child gets the opportunity to put himself in the place of others and evaluate his behavior from the outside. For example, if a quarrel or fight occurred in a group, you can sort out this situation in a circle by inviting the Kitten and Tiger Cub or any literary characters known to children to visit. In front of the children, the guests act out a quarrel similar to the one that happened in the group, and then ask the children to reconcile them. Children offer various ways exit from the conflict. You can divide the guys into two groups, one of which speaks on behalf of the Tiger Cub, the other on behalf of the Kitten. You can give children the opportunity to choose for themselves whose position they would like to take and whose interests they would like to defend. Whatever specific form role playing game Whatever you choose, it is important that in the end children will acquire the ability to take the position of another person, recognize his feelings and experiences, and learn how to behave in difficult situations. life situations. A general discussion of the problem will help unite the children's team and establish a favorable psychological climate in the group.

During such discussions, you can play out other situations that most often cause conflicts in a team: how to react if a friend does not give you the toy you need, what to do if you are teased, what to do if you were pushed and fell, etc. Purposeful and Patient work in this direction will help the child to be more understanding of the feelings and actions of others and learn to adequately relate to what is happening.

In addition, you can invite children to organize a theater by asking them to act out certain situations, for example: “How Malvina quarreled with Buratino.” However, before showing any scene, children should discuss why the characters in the fairy tale behaved in one way or another. It is necessary that they try to put themselves in the place of fairy-tale characters and answer the questions: “What did Pinocchio feel when Malvina put him in the closet?”, “What did Malvina feel when she had to punish Pinocchio?” and etc.

Such conversations will help children realize how important it is to be in the shoes of a rival or offender in order to understand why he acted the way he did. Having learned to empathize with the people around him, an aggressive child will be able to get rid of suspicion and suspiciousness, which cause so much trouble both for the “aggressor” himself and for those who are close to him. And as a result, he will learn to take responsibility for his actions, and not blame others.

True, it would also do well for adults working with an aggressive child to get rid of the habit of blaming him for all mortal sins. For example, if a child throws toys in anger, you can, of course, tell him: “You are a scoundrel! You are nothing but problems. You always interfere with all the children’s play!” But such a statement is unlikely to reduce the emotional stress of the “bastard.” On the contrary, a child who is already sure that no one needs him and that the whole world is against him will become even more angry. In this case, it is much more useful to tell your child how you feel using the pronoun “I” rather than “you.” For example, instead of “Why didn’t you put the toys away?”, you can say: “I get upset when the toys are scattered.”

This way you do not blame the child for anything, do not threaten him, or even evaluate his behavior. You talk about yourself, about your feelings. As a rule, such an adult’s reaction first shocks the child, who expects a hail of reproaches against him, and then gives him a feeling of trust. There is an opportunity for constructive dialogue.

Working with parents of an aggressive child

When working with aggressive children, the educator or teacher must first establish contact with the family. He can either give recommendations to parents himself, or tactfully invite them to seek help from psychologists.

There are situations when contact with the mother or father cannot be established. In such cases, we recommend using visual information that can be placed in the parent corner. Table 5 below may serve as an example of such information.

A similar table or other visual information can become a starting point for parents to think about their child and the reasons for negative behavior. And these reflections, in turn, may lead to cooperation with educators and the teacher.

Table 5 Parenting styles (in response to the child’s aggressive actions)

Parenting strategy	Specific examples of strategy	Child's behavior style	Why does the child do this?
Drastic suppression of a child’s aggressive behavior	Stop it!" "Don't you dare say that." Parents punish child	Aggressive (The child can stop now but will throw out his negative emotions at another time and place)	The child copies his parents and learns aggressive forms of behavior from them.
Ignoring your child's aggressive outbursts	Parents pretend that they do not notice the child’s aggression or believe that the child is still small	Aggressive (Child continues to act aggressively)	The child thinks he is doing everything right, and aggressive forms of behavior become a character trait.
Parents give the child the opportunity to express aggression in an acceptable way and tactfully forbid them to behave aggressively towards others.	If parents see that the child is angry, they can involve him in a game that will relieve his anger. Parents explain to the child how to behave in certain situations	Most likely, the child will learn to manage his anger	The child learns to analyze various situations and takes an example from his tactful parents

The main goal of such information is to show parents that one of the reasons for the manifestation of aggression in children may be the aggressive behavior of the parents themselves. If there is constant arguing and screaming in the house, it is difficult to expect that the child will suddenly be flexible and calm. In addition, parents should be aware of the consequences of those or other disciplinary actions on the child are expected in the near future and when the child enters adolescence.

How to get along with a child who constantly behaves defiantly? Useful tips We found it for parents on the pages of R. Campbell’s book “How to Deal with a Child’s Anger” (M., 1997). We recommend that both teachers and parents read this book. R. Campbell identifies five ways to control a child’s behavior: two of them are positive, two are negative and one is neutral. Positive methods include requests and gentle physical manipulation (for example, you can distract the child, take him by the hand and lead him away, etc.).

Behavior modification, a neutral method of control, involves the use of rewards (for following certain rules) and punishment (for ignoring them). But this system should not be used too often, since subsequently the child begins to do only what he receives a reward for.

Frequent punishments and orders are negative ways of controlling a child's behavior. They force him to excessively suppress his anger, which contributes to the appearance of passive-aggressive traits in his character. What is passive aggression, and what dangers does it pose? This is a hidden form of aggression, its purpose is to enrage, upset parents or loved ones, and the child can cause harm not only to others, but also to himself. He will begin to deliberately study poorly, in retaliation for his parents he will wear things that they do not like, and he will be capricious on the street for no reason. The main thing is to unbalance the parents. To eliminate such forms of behavior, a system of rewards and punishments must be thought out in every family. When punishing a child, it is necessary to remember that this measure of influence should in no case humiliate the dignity of the son or daughter. Punishment should follow directly after the offense, and not every other day, not every other week. Punishment will only have an effect if the child himself believes that he deserves it; in addition, one cannot be punished twice for the same offense.

There is another way to effectively deal with a child’s anger, although it may not always be applied. If parents know their son or daughter well, they can defuse the situation during the child's emotional outburst with an appropriate joke. The unexpectedness of such a reaction and the friendly tone of an adult will help the child get out of a difficult situation with dignity.

For parents who do not have a good understanding of how they or their children may express their anger, we recommend posting the following visual information on a display in the classroom or group (Table 6).

Table 6 "Positive and negative ways of expressing anger" (recommendations by Dr. R. Campbell)

Cheat sheet for adults or rules for working with aggressive children

1. Be attentive to the needs and needs of the child.
2. Demonstrate a model of non-aggressive behavior.
3. Be consistent in punishing the child, punish for specific actions.
4. Punishments should not humiliate a child.
5. Teach acceptable ways to express anger.
6. Giving your child the opportunity to express anger immediately after a frustrating event.
7. Learn to recognize your own emotional state and the state of those around you.
8. Develop the ability to empathize.
9. Expand the child's behavioral repertoire.
10. Practice your response skills in conflict situations.
11. Learn to take responsibility.

However, all of the listed methods and techniques will not lead to positive changes if they are one-time in nature. Inconsistency in parental behavior can lead to worsening child behavior. Patience and attention to the child, his needs and requirements, constant development of communication skills with others - this is what will help parents establish relationships with their son or daughter.
Patience and good luck to you, dear parents!

Lyutova E.K., Monina G.B. Cheat sheet for adults

Many parents, trying to eradicate any hint of the existence of aggression in their child, most often deal with superficial symptoms and ignore the root of the problem. As a result, the situation worsens even more.

Causes of childhood aggression

Often aggression is a consequence of frustration when one or another need of the child is not satisfied. A child who experiences hunger, lack of sleep, poor health, feels less loved, less desired, perhaps rejected by his parents/peers - may become aggressive, which will result in an attempt to cause physical or mental harm to himself or others.

Many parents are quite clear about what “conditions suitable for the upbringing and development of a child” are: the child must be fed on time, clothed, shod, provided with clubs/teachers, etc. Such a concept as “lack of parental love and care” is puzzling.

Meanwhile, many children experience a lack of love in the family due to the parent's inattention to the wishes of the child himself, as well as due to numerous quarrels between parents, divorce, illness or death of one of the parents, and due to physical and/or psychological abuse.

Child, chasing parental love, uses physical force against younger and weaker siblings, or puts psychological pressure on them in order to assert themselves. Later, he will learn to apply the new skills he has acquired among his peers.

How does childhood aggression manifest itself at different ages?

The founders of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, Melanie Klein and others wrote that aggression is an innate instinct. An example of this can be seen when children, out of an excess of love, begin to beat their mother. It is important to stop this behavior and explain it with the words “Mom is hurt.”

Over time, in the process of upbringing, the child learns to cope with internal aggression using psychological defense mechanisms, such as sublimation, expressing his aggression on paper, or projection, transferring internal aggression to others and perceiving them as aggressive people, etc. Or it can transform aggression into constructive activity.

So, in an attempt to avoid aggression, your child suddenly begins to actively clean the house, selflessly learn a new piece on a musical instrument, play sports, etc.

In early childhood, aggressive behavior is considered normal, but with age it becomes unacceptable. The child must learn to express his feelings in words, and young aggressors become professionals in the epistolary genre. Physical aggression smoothly transforms into psychological attacks. Already from the age of 10, a frequent form of aggression in schools towards a child is boycott.

Types of childhood aggression

There is an open manifestation of aggression - when your child expresses his protest with screams or fists. Children and adolescents who do not know how to openly conflict and express their disagreement and dissatisfaction, conflict in a hidden form and often their aggression leads to self-destruction.

An example of such hidden aggression in younger age, there may be problematic behavior with peers: a desire to subjugate another, inability to come to a common decision, reluctance to study, do homework, encopresis (fecal incontinence), casual phrases about unwillingness to live, abdominal/head pain (although tests carried out in the clinic show that the child is healthy).

In adolescence, hidden aggression manifests itself in the fact that a guy or girl finds it difficult to build healthy relationships with peers, experiences bouts of jealousy, and is unable to respect the desires and decisions of another person.

Trying to cope with internal tension, a teenager may begin to use not entirely healthy methods of coping in an attempt to “forget.” Alcohol, drugs, early sex life, cuts on body parts, anorexia. Disappointment, resentment and dissatisfaction not spoken out loud can lead to the development of depression.

Does a certain parenting style influence children's aggression?

Over the course of many years of working as a family psychotherapist, I noticed that parents, through their upbringing, shape not only the behavior and worldview of their children, but also program their future.

I remember a joke:

In Dr. Freud's office.
- Doctor, my son is just some kind of sadist: he kicks animals, frameskicks the elderly, tears off the wings of butterflies and laughs!
- How old is he? - 4 years.
- In that case, there’s nothing to worry about, it will pass soon,
and he will grow up to be a kind and polite person.
- Doctor, you calmed me down, thank you very much.
- You're welcome, Frau Hitler...

IN different families are used different styles education. Some parents set too strict boundaries, they do not know how to communicate with the child, and the goal of education is complete control and obedience. Trying to be a good boy or a good girl at home, the child is forced to express all his dissatisfaction in the kindergarten or at school, often in aggressive form.

There are parents, on the contrary, who are overly sensitive to their children, often listen to them, and are afraid of offending the child’s feelings, so as not to injure them, God forbid.

Over time, it becomes increasingly difficult for such parents to set boundaries in their upbringing and limit their child. The inability of such parents to build boundaries and permissiveness lead to the child feeling stronger than his own parents, that he can do anything, and begins to show aggression towards his parent/brothers/sisters and towards peers.

In families with two or more children, parents can probably remember that having given birth to a younger one, they do not always have the strength and time to care for the older one. But, if parents systematically ignore and do not notice the older child, then he begins to feel “transparent” (children’s statement). And in order not to experience this heavy internal tension, the child’s behavior becomes impulsive, aggressive, with frequent mood swings. Thus, according to the children, “THEY ARE SEEN.”

The correct parenting strategy is that parents openly show love with words, gestures, affection, are interested in the lives of their children, are sensitive, notice if something happens to the child and try to console him. These parents control their children, but also know how to trust. A child who grows up in a family with healthy communication will use aggression only for self-defense. He will be able to express any dissatisfaction in an open form, in words.

Aggression towards parents: reasons and what to do?

Unfortunately, this is not uncommon in our society. More and more often I deal with families where a child insults and beats his parents. This causes enormous suffering for both the parent and the child, who feels like a monster. IN in this case, a parent needs to learn to set boundaries in education.

Don't wait for the situation to escalate; stop unwanted behavior immediately. How do you know when exactly to stop unwanted behavior? Believe me, you will feel it yourself. As soon as the child’s behavior causes you discomfort, you as a parent are obliged to stop it with the words: “This is unpleasant for me” or “I do not intend to continue the conversation in this form,” etc.

Respect yourself and by doing this you will teach your child to be sensitive to the needs of other people and to respect their personal space. A child who has been taught to respect his family members will definitely treat people around him and outside the family with respect.

Aggression towards peers: causes and what to do?

There may be several reasons for aggression towards peers. The child may not have enough parental attention, or the parent has a clear preference for his brother/sister, or the child is simply spoiled and unlearned to respect others, and perhaps is going through a difficult period in his life, in the event of illness, death, or divorce of his parents. In each individual case, a different approach is applied.

A family therapist, observing the dynamics of family relationships, is able to diagnose the problem and find an appropriate solution.

Differences in aggressiveness between boys and girls

We talked about how aggression is an innate instinct in both boys and girls. The manifestation of aggressive behavior, of course, differs between boys and girls, depending on the accepted norms in society. If a conflict between boys that turns into a fight is perceived as normal, then a fight between girls can cause serious bewilderment among both peers and the older generation.

In the process of evolution, girls learned to use not physical, but verbal aggression, including intrigue and manipulation. Very rarely are boys the organizers of a boycott; usually this is the prerogative of girls.

Does childhood aggression go away with age?

No, childhood aggression in no case goes away with age, so it is important to learn to accept aggression rather than fight it. Over the years, many people learn to listen to themselves, their body, to be aware of their aggression, to accept it, realizing that this is a transitory feeling. By expressing our pain/dissatisfaction/disappointment out loud, we learn to cope with this feeling.

An adult who does not know how to properly conflict and express his disagreement will subconsciously express his internal aggression towards his husband/wife through increased jealousy and/or an affair. This person is not able to respect the wishes of another person and will actively impose his opinion and his will.

At work, this can be expressed in intrigue, manipulation of others, or abuse of power.

How to correct a child's aggression? What should parents of an aggressive child do?

First of all, it is important to understand whether the child’s aggressive behavior is normal or pathological. Mothers come to me who are unable to accept their son’s aggressive behavior, while at a young age, up to 6 years old, it is absolutely normal. While it is difficult for a child to express himself verbally, he expresses this through behavior.

Learn to talk to your child. Explain that when he is angry, he can throw out his aggression on an inanimate object (pillow, mattress).

Enroll your child in a sports section for healthy expression of aggression. It is advisable that the child choose it himself.

Hug your child more often, show your love and care. Teach your child to talk: about his joy, about his pain, about his experiences. A child who receives psychological support from his parents is able to verbally express his feelings. He won't have to express aggression in other ways.

Many families are faced with the problem of child aggression, and often parents believe that the child’s aggressive behavior is unreasonable, there are supposedly no prerequisites for this. They are sure that if mom and dad and grandparents are calm, polite people, then the baby should be the same. Unfortunately, this is not so: often outbursts of aggression in children appear, it would seem, completely out of the blue.

Most interaction tasks with a child can be solved by taking the right steps in a certain sequence. If you follow the advice of psychologists step by step, it will work. Often, parents theoretically imagine how to behave correctly with a child, but in reality these recommendations are not followed or not all are followed. In such cases, the situation does not improve, and there is no benefit from theoretical knowledge “how to do it.” Therefore, it should be especially emphasized that if you want to see results, you need to learn to act without waiting for some suitable occasion or special mood. Knowledge in this case means precisely the practice of communicating with the child. For example, many parents know that it is desirable to develop uniform requirements for the child from adults and not quarrel in front of him regarding methods of education. But most parents turn a blind eye to the fact that they haven’t done anything and come to a psychologist expecting some wonderful method, a magic technique that will immediately turn the situation around. And at the same time, it will be possible to somehow slip through and not notice the fact that the fundamental thing has not been done, an agreement with the spouse regarding the requirements for the child has not been reached. At the same time, parents are not enthusiastic about the recommendation to achieve agreement with each other, because it is difficult, unpleasant, requires significant effort, and perhaps the conversation will end in a quarrel.

This article describes why a child shows aggression, what are the characteristics of childhood aggressiveness, and how you can independently use methods for correcting the aggressive behavior of preschool children.

Aggressive behavior of children: characteristics and features of attacks of aggression

Attacks of aggression are those actions of a child that are unpleasant and painful for others: hitting, biting, pushing, and so on. There are two possible situations in which this can happen:

1. Aggression in preschool children often manifests itself during play. For example, a child can hit a person with his hand not out of anger, but simply while playing, because kids often hit various objects with their hands. He does the same with people. The peculiarity of the aggressive behavior of children is that, while causing pain to another person, he can smile, laugh, and it is clear that he is happy. Often it is in this situation that adults make the mistake of starting to laugh in response or somehow flirt with the child. And until the time when the situation becomes completely unpleasant for the parents, the child does not receive a signal that something is wrong, that his actions are inappropriate. It is important to understand that unpleasant actions must be stopped from the very beginning, regardless of the motive as a result of which they occur. How to respond to children's aggression in this case? It doesn’t matter whether a child hits you out of anger or is just playing, these actions must be stopped.
2. Aggression in childhood can also manifest itself if the child is angry. Usually he fights in this case, this is the result of the baby’s anger. And the little one gets angry because something is unpleasant to him. The main characteristic of such aggressive behavior of a child is the obligatory sharp attack: the child, having no other way to react, hits someone nearby. Usually (but not necessarily), he strikes the one who caused his displeasure.

Psychology of aggression in childhood and the causes of its occurrence

Aggressive behavior in any person, including preschool children, is inherent in nature. This is a natural way of defending your interests. And in this case, naturally, we are not talking about the fact that the child suddenly became somehow wild or evil, his natural mechanism of defending his interests is simply being realized.

In the very psychology of childhood aggression as a certain force, there is, of course, a positive potential. A certain amount of aggression is necessary for a person to be able to defend himself and his loved ones if necessary. In adult life, such activities as sports, business, politics, have a fair aggressive charge, but at the same time they are approved by society as useful and constructive. If you deal with natural aggression in childhood roughly, by brutally suppressing it, then there are two fundamental options for the development of events. In the first case, aggression is redirected towards the person himself. An angry child hits not the person next to him, but himself, as if punishing himself. The cause of aggressive behavior in preschool children, as a rule, is severe suppression, a ban on aggressive feelings and actions. The aggressive impulse does not disappear, but is turned over and directed towards the bearer of aggression. At an older age, one can observe such types of auto-aggression (that is, aggression directed by a person towards himself), such as various types of addictions (alcohol, drugs), frequent accidents, being in traumatic personal relationships and, in extreme cases, suicide.

Thus, the violence that people direct outward becomes less and less, but the amount of harm people cause to themselves increases critically.

Another scenario for the development of events in the brutal overcoming of childhood aggressiveness and suppression of the child’s aggressive feelings is the formation of a passive character, low self-esteem, and a tendency to develop feelings of guilt.

Why does a child show aggression and video of outbursts of child anger

Psychologists identify two main reasons for the aggressive behavior of children, in which outbursts of child anger are clearly manifested.

The first reason Children's aggressiveness is that the child does not master social norms in the area of ​​​​expressing feelings. Of course, adults tell him that he can’t do this, but what is it forbidden for a child? And does he understand the moral implications of the situation? Of course not. He cannot understand the feelings that a person experiences when he is beaten. Simply because he is not yet able to understand that other people have any feelings.

The child does not understand that the prohibition, for example, of putting your hands in your mouth and the prohibition of hitting a person in the face are different prohibitions. For him, all “don’ts” have equal weight. And if you can break some prohibitions, then you can break others. In this case, the situation becomes especially acute when parents abuse prohibitions. If the word “impossible” is heard too often, then manifestations of child aggression cannot be avoided. It is clear that in such a situation, prohibitions will be constantly violated, including the prohibition of “beating people.”

The second reason The frequent manifestation of aggression in children under 3 years of age is that a child of this age often has a feeling of anger, and there are very few means for expressing this feeling. All children's activity is concentrated around their hands and mouth, so they often fight and bite when expressing anger.

Whether this form of behavior is consolidated or disappears always depends on the reaction of the environment. If you react harshly, roughly suppressing manifestations of aggression in children (screaming, spanking the child, locking him up, etc.), then parents in some cases can achieve results, and the child stops fighting. However, this usually has long-term unpleasant consequences. Character qualities such as cruelty, aggressiveness, cowardice, isolation, low self-esteem, and malice are formed.

Parents will not immediately see the consequences of their actions, and sometimes they will not be able to find the reason for such manifestations in the child.

In addition, as a rule, those parents who beat their child in response to his aggressive actions are precisely the ones who cannot cope with the child’s aggression. It has been proven that one of the main reasons for childhood aggression is the behavior pattern of adults. Children whose parents show aggression tend to be more aggressive themselves. After all, it is known that children learn better from what they see, and not from what is instilled in them. The mother, forbidding fighting, beats the child herself so that he supposedly “understands” that this cannot be done, and ends up in an unpleasant situation: she contradicts herself. In this case, perhaps the child will stop beating her personally (since she simply gives him back), but, most likely, he will beat those who are weaker than him (younger or weaker children, animals). So, the educational power of such a maneuver - spanking a child for showing aggression - is zero. Parents themselves do exactly what they want to wean their child from.

To avoid the causes of child aggression and the emergence of negative scenarios for the development of the situation, you need to remember that in order to prevent outbursts of anger in the child, parents must provide two things:

• set clear boundaries for the child’s possible behavior and prevent the development of cruelty and destructive behavior;
• legalize negative feelings and teach the child to deal with these feelings.

Between the ages of 1 and 3 years, children exhibit normal expressions of anger such as screaming, biting, hitting, etc. This behavior occurs with varying intensity in the vast majority of children. What is being said here is normal not in the sense that the behavior does not need to be corrected or that it should be approved, but in the sense that it is typical and easily explained.

Almost all children have angry outbursts at some point. And it is important to know how to properly respond to a child’s aggression. The main method of correcting aggressive behavior is restraining the child. You shouldn’t expect him to verbally understand that you can’t fight. Aggressive actions must simply be stopped and restrained. Hold the handle that is ready to strike. This is not difficult to do, especially if you are internally prepared for this to happen to children. Children's actions are imprecise and slow, so it is usually clear in advance when the child intends to hit someone.

See how outbursts of anger and childish aggression manifest themselves in this video:

Peculiarities of parental behavior during manifestations of child aggression

Sometimes parents object that they do not notice the moments when the child is about to fight and cannot prevent blows.

Listed below are several features of parental behavior when children display aggressiveness.

You stand with your back to the child.

Exit: just ignore it as if you didn’t feel anything. At the same time, you should not stand with your back to a child who is angry.

You don't understand that the child is angry.

Exit: Observe carefully the child's facial expression, this has to do with your sensitivity. An angry child also begins to play more aggressively: banging toys, pushing objects, etc., in general, shows signs that he is angry. Impacts usually don't happen out of the blue.

Have you seen that the child is unhappy , but hoped that he would not fight. A child has almost no means of realizing his anger other than through aggression. Thus, if the child is unhappy, be alert. This behavior should not be assessed on a good-bad scale, forget about it. You just need to avoid getting hit.

Exit: Understanding the child’s condition, be prepared for his aggressive actions, that is, do not ignore his emotions, aggressive actions must be prevented, if necessary, limiting the child’s mobility.

The child fights too often , and you just get tired of controlling the situation all the time, relax, “wave your hand” - and get hit.

Exit: If a child gets angry and fights too often, you need to think about the fact that your demands on him are excessive, not in accordance with his age. That is, there are too many situations in which the child feels bad. Then you need to think about how to reorganize the child’s routine.

There are also special hidden reasons for a child’s anger that require correction of aggressive behavior.

How to react to a child’s anger and how to deal with manifestations of child aggression

The balance of power between the adult and the child is so obviously unequal that the adult simply should not allow the child to beat him. Physically restrain your child from unwanted behavior.

There is no need to accompany your actions with detailed comments or assessments of the child. Your task is simply to make manifestations of aggression impossible. Briefly say: “It’s not customary for us to fight!” And that's enough.

If a child hit someone in your presence, and you could not stop him, show attention to the person who was hit, but ignore the child’s behavior. The child should not receive increased attention as a result of aggressive behavior.

If your child is playing in a group of children and you know that he is prone to aggression, you should take the following steps.

• During periods of frequent outbursts of aggression, try to stay close to the child while he plays.
• Warn the parents of other children, tell them that now your child is in such a period that he periodically fights. Do this so that the baby cannot hear you.
• To combat a child’s aggression, monitor his mood as closely as possible: if the baby begins to play more aggressively (throwing toys, knocking toys against each other), take him away, play active games or any other games with him separately.
• If a child hits someone once, apologize to this child, take pity on him, ignoring the actions of the offender.
• How can one cope with children’s aggression if it becomes too much and the child does not stop fighting? In this case, calmly tell him that this is not how they behave, and you are forced to leave the company. Take and hold your child away from other children for about three minutes.

In general, keep your child from acting aggressively, but do not respond with increased attention. Aggressive behavior should not become the center of attention of others.

To properly correct children's aggressiveness, it is important how you respond to the very first manifestations of anger: you should not be indignant or react theatrically. It is your first reactions that will determine whether the child’s aggressive behavior will take hold.

Below are described cases in which manifestations of child aggression are consolidated, and a lot of effort has to be made to correct behavior.

• Parents do nothing, attributing the child’s aggressive behavior to his age. In fact, adults in this case condone the child’s aggression.
• Parents are touched by the child’s behavior, they think it is a charming game or they see it as a manifestation of the child’s strength.
• Parents react aggressively and viciously. They start screaming, hitting the child, etc. All these actions cause a feeling of fear, depression in the child, and ultimately anger increases, as a result of which the child again behaves aggressively. Thus the circle is closed.
• Parents sort things out in front of the child. In response to the child's unwanted actions, parents begin to argue about parenting methods. In this case, aggressive behavior becomes a reason for adults to express their accumulated dissatisfaction with each other.
• Parents react theatrically: They leave demonstratively, pretend to cry, or imitate the experience of pain.
• Parents really want the child to “understand” that his behavior is unacceptable. In this case, a lot of time is usually devoted to reading morals that the child is not able to understand.
• The child’s behavior subconsciously benefits one of the child’s close adults. It gives him the opportunity to express accumulated claims against others. Another option is that, due to the child’s inappropriate behavior, the adult is removed from the process of communicating with him and thus receives additional free time.

Adult task- Do not let your child hit or bite people. You should not stop hitting objects, stomping your feet, swinging, etc. It’s better to simply ignore it, that is, not do anything at all, not even change your facial expression.

If you restrain the little angry one without emotions, he will soon simply stop hitting you. Any adult, knowing what to do in case of outbursts of aggression in a child, is able to control the child’s behavior.

Recommendations for parents on how to cope with the problem of childhood aggression

When talking about the causes and ways to overcome children's aggressiveness, it is important to remember that the feeling of anger and rage must have some way out, and by prohibiting aggressive behavior directed at people, you must give the child some way to throw out his feelings.

Anger can be expressed in words and thus let others know what is happening to you. This is difficult for a child, he needs to be taught this. This mainly happens when you verbalize your child's feelings. He gradually learns to understand which of your words correspond to his feelings. Of course, this process will take a very long time, but you can start expressing your baby’s feelings from a very early age. You see that the child is angry and demands something. Before addressing the situation with the demand itself, acknowledge his feelings, tell him: “It seems to me that you are very angry when you have to put on so many clothes on yourself.” Gradually, the child will learn this way of communicating about his condition. Naming a feeling or experience is in itself a way to reduce its intensity.

Psychologists often give this recommendation to parents to overcome child aggression - show your child how to show dissatisfaction. When you yourself are angry, name your feeling, say: “I am now very angry about what is happening.” This will show your child an example of how to handle anger and let him know that everyone gets angry. At the same time, you can behave non-destructively. On the contrary, if the main model of behavior of adults in anger is shouting or other forms of aggression, then it is impossible to cope with such manifestations in a child. If your child often behaves aggressively, check to see if he is copying one of the adults close to him. Do not forget that shouting and swearing are also manifestations of aggression (in this case, verbal).

How can you deal with childhood aggression if you feel that the situation is heating up? Teach your child to relieve tension through games: “Catch up with me”, “Run to me”, “Step over”, “Jump over” and others. Such games relieve aggressive tension and give positive emotions to the child.

After relieving tension (after active play), offer your child quiet game. You can lie down and pretend to be asleep, imitate swimming movements, blow on a rustling piece of paper to make it rustle, etc. - provide the child with a state of peace. Relaxation should only take a couple of minutes.

What to do if a child shows aggression: correction of aggression in childhood

Another advice from psychologists for overcoming outbursts of aggression in a child is the use of objects that can be handled roughly. Sew or buy soft toy or cylindrical pillow. Come up with a simple name that is easy for a small child to pronounce, for example, zhu-zhu, bo-bo, etc. When your child has a desire to bite, push, or hit someone, say that you can’t hit people (you need to say it sternly, but without anger). But there is a toy that will always be happy to fight. Teach your child how to fight and bite with this toy. Make sure that the child’s aggression is immediately directed at the toy, and not at people.

When a child is angry, you can invite him to tear or crumple paper, kick a ball, or draw his anger. It is important to remember that the child is very small and in order for these methods to take root, you need to gently offer them, set an example of how this is done, and show it repeatedly.

A child of any gender should have the so-called aggressive toys in his arsenal: swords, pistols, loud-sounding musical instruments, sports equipment. Playing with such toys helps to release aggressive tension.

It is imperative to provide your child with games with such natural materials like sand, stones, water. This also helps relieve tension.

When choosing books for a child, you should not avoid the so-called scary tales(often this folk tales where violence or murder occurs). Some parents, for fear of scaring their child or making him cruel, do not read such stories. This is a mistake, children need a certain amount scary stories for successful psychological development. Among other things, this helps to process the aggression that inevitably arises in early age and later. Naturally, fairy tales must correspond to the age of the child.

It is especially important for highly aggressive children to be given the opportunity to move a lot and create conditions for physical activity.

Here's what to do if your child is aggressive:

• Face your child and grab his or her wrists. You need to hold the wrists firmly so that he cannot escape, but without causing pain to the child. Position yourself so that the child cannot reach you with his feet.
• Looking into the child’s eyes, seriously say: “You can’t fight!”

You need to say only these words, without adding or subtracting anything. Try to keep your voice free of emotion.

Try not to let your gaze convey anger or indignation to the child or suppress him.

• Turn your head to the side, look away from the child, and count to 20 to yourself at a normal pace.
• Turn back to the child and repeat: “You can’t fight!”
• Release your child's wrists.

If the child immediately hits you, you need to repeat the entire procedure exactly. This is done as many times as necessary. You cannot make any changes to this technique, otherwise it will not work.

If parents do everything exactly, the technique works.

The main reasons why equipment may not work or cause harm:

• Parents do not use technology every time, but in the most serious cases or in places where it is more convenient. For example, they are embarrassed to do something in front of other people.
• Parents, at their own discretion, change the actions prescribed by the technology or the sequence of these actions.
• Adults argue in front of the child about the appropriateness of this method.

To effectively correct aggression in children, always pay attention to the baby in those moments when he plays well. Tell your child that you like it when he behaves so politely and gently. The baby must understand what behavior you prefer and reward. Otherwise, a situation arises when bad behavior adults give a lot of reactions, but none to good things. In this case, firstly, it is difficult or even impossible for the child to understand what is expected of him, and secondly, in those cases when the child behaves correctly, he does not receive any attention. And behavior that is supported by attention is reinforced, that is, in some cases, it is precisely undesirable behavior.

What to do if your child is the target of childhood aggression

What should you do if you become the object of child aggression from other children? own child? In this case it applies general rule: if your child is insulted in front of you (beating, pushing, snatching toys) - stand up for him, but do not start verbosely raising someone else’s baby. The adult’s task is to ensure the safety of his child: remove the offender, delay the blow, hold the toy that is being rudely snatched away. Briefly comment on your actions, say: “This is our toy, ask if you want to play!”, “You can’t fight!”, “You can’t hit people!”, “I won’t allow you to hurt my son!” You should not shame or scold someone else's child. In this case, by protecting your child and not letting him be offended, you set an example of how to protect yourself.

If you are far from your child and someone is offending him, but the situation is not particularly threatening (your child is not crying, the offender is not too aggressive), do not interfere, let your child act independently. A child needs experience in dealing with someone else’s aggression in order to learn how to deal with it. You should not strive at all costs to be close to your child in moments of unpleasant clashes, and not let him go even a step, fearing hostile actions on the part of other people’s children. By calmly letting go of your baby, you convey to him a message of your confidence that he will cope on his own and will be able to protect himself. Observe the situation from afar and intervene only if you see real danger.

The article has been read 3,000 times.