All children are different - some are very sociable and sociable, while others are shy and withdrawn. Some children boldly go to other children or adults and play with pleasure in any environment, while others shyly hide behind mom or dad, and when they are alone with other children or adults, they sit quietly in the corner, afraid to start a conversation even with their peers. How to liberate a child so that he can feel confident in any environment?
Reasons for a child's shyness
First of all, try to figure out why the child is shy, because only by understanding the reason can you find a way to solve the problem. There are many reasons for this behavior in a child, so watch your child to understand in what situations shyness manifests itself. Maybe your child is only shy about certain things certain situations? For example, he only shows shyness when meeting with strangers, and maybe only in an unfamiliar environment or at a time when he needs to answer some questions that are uncomfortable for him.
Understanding the reason that leads to shyness, it will be possible to consider several possible options for combating this phenomenon.
Not just shyness
By carefully observing the child, you can find that the child is shy not at all because of fear of someone or something, but because of some diseases, including mental ones, for example, deviations associated with autism spectrum disorders, such as Asperger's syndrome, autism, excessive anxiety or mental retardation. If you notice some signs of the development of these diseases in a child, immediately contact a specialist, since the sooner treatment and socialization of the child begins, the greater the chances for him to subsequently treat normal life in society
Parents are role models
To ensure your child develops normally, monitor your behavior. It is known that parents are role models for children, and, observing the behavior of mom and dad, the child then behaves in the same way. Most often, if the mother is very shy (the baby often hangs out with the mother), the child will copy her manner of communication and will also show shyness and excessive shyness.
Know that as a child grows up, he will not change on his own and will not turn from shy to sociable and active. Therefore, it is necessary to engage in his socialization from the moment you noticed his shyness.
Try to correct the child’s behavior immediately, involve him in conversations with familiar peers, with neighbors’ children, with grandmothers on a bench at the entrance. Ask his opinion on any matter more often, let him express his point of view even in the presence of other children and adults.
Praise your child for any manifestation of independence, go out with him to play on the playground and encourage him to take part in games with children.
Remember that shyness is just a protective shell against the adversity that the child is afraid of, so it is necessary to show that everything that surrounds him is not so bad. Show that by being open, he will only gain, not lose. It is sociability that will give him the opportunity to open up and make friends.
As a rule, a child’s excessive shyness does not cause them any trouble, but it dooms the child himself to loneliness and inexplicable fears. Parents often hear these words about their children: “quiet”, “timid”, “uncommunicative”, “afraid of strangers”, “somewhat intimidated”.
Unfortunately, as a rule, parents do not attach due importance to their child’s excessive shyness; on the contrary, it seems to them that there is nothing wrong with the child being quiet and obedient. However, psychologists say that an overly obedient baby is a psychologically “broken” child.
A child suffering from shyness is afraid of attracting unnecessary attention. He constantly worries that people might think badly of him, so from the outside he may appear to be a model of excellent behavior.
However, pathological shyness prevents a child from making acquaintances, taking initiative, making friends and acquiring the necessary social skills. As a result, the child may grow up to be a person with low self-esteem, which will negatively affect his future studies, work and personal life.
A shy child needs help, and the sooner the better. Otherwise, looking back on the years he has lived, he will constantly regret missed opportunities.
What is the reason
Experts believe that some children are predisposed to shyness initially, while others develop it under the influence of certain circumstances.
The cause of initial shyness may be a biological predisposition. That is, some children are naturally hypersensitive. Other kids become overly shy when they are under the influence of regular stressful situations.
It also happens that shyness and withdrawal develop as a consequence of some traumatic event, which, as a rule, is associated with the public humiliation of the child. The impetus for the development of shyness can also be serious problems in the family, the transition to new school, losing a friend or moving to a new place of residence.
In addition, often the cause of a child’s shyness is negative communication in the family. If parents or other close people often swear, criticize the child unconstructively (especially in front of strangers), and try to completely control his life, this can significantly lower the child’s self-esteem, which will ultimately lead to his isolation and shyness.
Another serious reason for a child’s “quiet” behavior is bullying at school or in the garden. If your child is often injured by peers or teachers, the defensive reaction of the psyche is to withdraw into oneself.
How to help a shy child
1) In a confidential conversation, tell your child about your own shyness that you experienced as a child. Tell him (in a positive way) how you dealt with it, what situations you found yourself in.
2) Try to understand the child and show sympathy for his problems. This will allow your baby to feel your acceptance of the situation and will also help start an open dialogue.
3) Talk to your child about the benefits of communication. It will be easier for a child to cope with excessive shyness if he understands why exactly he needs to overcome it.
4) Do not label him under any circumstances. Communicate with your child, but under no circumstances call him “quiet” or “shy.” Also, do not allow other people to treat your child in this way.
5) Play out situations in which your child is afraid to find himself. Role-playing games- An ideal way to help your child overcome shyness.
6) Set specific but achievable goals for him, such as asking the teacher (educator) a question, making a presentation to the children, joining a game with peers.
7) Encourage your child for being sociable. Don't shame him for being shy or showing timidity.
If none of the above helps and the baby’s shyness takes on pathological forms, contact a good psychologist!
Sergey Vasilenkov for Women's magazine"Lovely"
Greetings, dear readers! Often parents of a shy child 2 — 5 They haven’t seen this as a big problem for years. Still would! Modest shy child– it's comfortable. His tomboyish peers run around like crazy, get into trouble, pull the tails of unfamiliar dogs and use all sorts of other means to keep moms and dads on their toes. And the parents of the shy little one can relax during a walk and meditate on the clouds floating in the sky. They know for sure that their child, clutching his parent’s leg with both hands, will not go anywhere. Even if other children invite him to play, the shy baby will prefer to stay under the cozy wing of a relative.
Other mothers on the playground, lifting their little ones from the highest slide or digging them out of the depths of the sandbox, glance enviously at the calmly sitting baby. But there’s nothing to envy here."Comfortable" the baby actually suffers a lot from her shyness . The little one would also love to run around with other children, but he just doesn’t dare approach them.
Shyness - normal or pathological?
Mild shyness - an absolutely healthy phenomenon during a person’s adaptation to a new situation. And it doesn’t matter at all how old this person is– 3 years, 6 years or 11.
Shyness at the first contact with a stranger or group is quite natural. We, too, may feel a little shy when interacting with strangers. But if there are no problems with communication, the feeling of embarrassment goes away in just a few minutes.
Shyness in small doses it does not harm. Surely you have seen how children, having just met, huddle close to their parents and are reluctant to make contact. But after half an hour– These are close friends, chatting about everything in the world and inventing the most interesting games on the go.
It's a completely different matter– painful isolation. If a daughter or son suffers from pathological shyness, parents may notice how the child literally loses speech when strangers address him, trembles, turns red or pale, and even breaks out in perspiration. Such a baby is shy not only of strangers, but also of those people he meets every day.
Parents of a shy child are familiar with when a sobbing child has to be literally torn away from you and forcefully shoved into the group. They hear complaints every day that their son or daughter is silent in class and does not complete even basic tasks. And at matinees, while other parents burst with pride, the mothers and fathers of the shy little one blush. After all, their baby is terrified public speaking, stutters and barely audibly mumbles a poem that he recited perfectly at home.
Don't wait for natural timidity to take on pathological forms. If you notice the first signs of unhealthy shyness in your child, immediately begin to fight it. Parents need to know how to overcome a child's shyness - They are quite capable of dealing with this problem on their own. And the article is about how to help your son or daughter , will be a good help in this.
How does shyness affect a child's life and future?
Painful timidity entails many problems. We will list only the most common ones.
Lack of communication with all the ensuing consequences
No matter how hard parents try to compensate their child for the lack of friends, nothing can replace communication with peers. And if communication skills do not develop from childhood, then in the future, instead of a cute, shy baby, you will see a teenager suffering from a whole bunch of complexes.
Psychologists working with difficult children know that many teenagers begin to use alcohol and drugs only because they are influenced by them. are liberated and can communicate with peers on equal terms.
Yes, and you are probably familiar with cases when a quiet, calm teenager, from whom his parents blew away the dust, suddenly changed dramatically. Just yesterday he was from schools I hurried home and spent all evenings at home. And today his dad and mom are wiping away their tears and complaining that their beloved child ended up in bad company, swears and even comes home drunk. It's especially scary if it's .
Burying talents in the ground
A shy child can be very bright. But shyness does not allow him to show his talents in public. That is why timid children, no matter what artistic abilities they have, never perform solos at matinees. They become more comfortable« third violin» and getting lost in the crowd rather than being the center of attention.
Low academic performance
Even if a student knows the lesson by heart, he cannot clearly answer the teacher’s question at the blackboard. The child will stumble, stutter, confuse words, covering himself with a crimson blush as the class laughs. Next time he would prefer to say that he didn’t learn his lesson and get a bad grade than to go through the shame again in front of his classmates.
Outcast in the team
Remember the gold ones school years. Many in the class had a downtrodden quiet person, whom hooligan classmates quietly teased or even openly mocked. Anyone who has become the object of ridicule is in a state of constant stress. Studying becomes real torture for him.
It is not surprising that such children look for any excuse to stay at home or start playing truant. school . If something similar happens to you, find out how to properly get out of the situation when .
Difficulties in adult life
Alas, the problems of a shy child do not dissipate over the years, but only get worse. An adult suffering from shyness often cannot get a job. Good work, because he is shy at an interview. interferes with building relationships, showing feelings for the person you like, and often becomes the cause of loneliness.
Agree, the prospects are completely unenviable. And if so, under no circumstances let the situation take its course in the hope that“shyness will outgrow” and shyness will resolve by itself. Only your daily support will help the baby overcome shyness and live life to the fullest.
What not to do
Before you know how help To help your child overcome shyness, I will tell you what you should never do, so as not to aggravate the situation.
Do not enroll your child in clubs and sections
Exception - if he himself asks you about it. But there is no need to drag your child to dance or karate against his will. Parents are guided by good intentions. They think that this way the child will communicate more with peers, discover his talents and stop being shy.
But it turns out the other way around. Children, who already find it difficult to communicate with others, become even more inhibited. During classes, it seems to the child that everyone is looking at him and laughing if something doesn’t work out. There can be no talk of any increase in self-esteem in such an environment.
Stop shaming him or, conversely, justifying him.
Even if when strangers appear, the child hides behind your back, do not focus on this. Take his behavior as normal. If you start to tear him off your leg and force him« say hello to uncle» , the child will experience serious stress. Also, don’t justify your baby’s behavior by explaining to others what kind of child he is. shy coward. The child will remember your words and perceive them as instructions.
Don't create critical situations
Some people believe that if a child stays with strangers more often, he will have to communicate with them and he will stop being shy. Don't listen to people like that advice . If you leave your child in the care of strangers and walk away, he will perceive it as a tragedy. He is unlikely to become more sociable after such sabotage, but his to you may decrease noticeably.
How to overcome shyness
Encourage communication with others
Don't expect your child to make small talk. It is enough that he greets you when we meet, says"thank you" or "please" . When this stage is completed, move on to the simplest dialogues. And it doesn’t matter that the baby will initially answer questions in monosyllables - he is not silent, and this is already a victory.
Make up stories
Surely the child has a favorite stuffed bunny. Make him the hero of your stories and tell your baby every day how the shy hare got into different situations and learned overcome timidity. Invite your child to come up with his own idea of how the hero acted in certain conditions.
Awaken your emotions
Shy children often hold back their emotions. Your task is to teach your child to show them and not be ashamed. With the little ones you can just make faces - laughter and good mood provided for you.
With older children, you can play games where you need to explain a word or action to other players using gestures and facial expressions. If the child is shy, you start. Carried away by guessing, he will soon want to wish you something.
Invite guests
Naturally this shouldn't be noisy company, in which it is very easy to get lost. Invite people you know with your baby for tea. It is advisable that the guest be about the same age as your offspring - this way they will quickly find common ground.
Help your child find friends
Heading to the playground? Take it with you more toys. This way you will interest other children and they will come up to you to get acquainted and play. If communication with children is not going well, do not sit on a bench with an indifferent look. Start a game with your child that other children can join.
Stop attempts to control your child
Shy children often fall under the influence of children who have leadership qualities. Therefore, no matter how happy you may be that your beloved child finally has a friend, take a closer look at him before encouraging friendship. If you notice that your son or daughter listens to the bossy comrade in everything, tactfully limit their communication. Your child needs a reliable friend, not someone who will push him around like a slave.
Increase children's self-esteem
This does not mean that you will ignore negative manifestations and sing their praises around the clock. However, every desire for independence should be a reason for praise.
Bad behavior should be discussed in a constructive manner. Don't yell at your baby or punish him. Find out why he did what he did and discuss how to handle a similar situation next time.
Read specialized literature
A lot of useful recommendations you will find in the book the practicing psychologist Philip Zimbardo . His book « Shy child» – a real treasure trove for parents of shy children. Taking advantage advice, you will help your child to relax , feel confident and begin to communicate on equal terms with peers.
Another find for parents will be a book by a domestic psychologist Shishova . This is an excellent guide to help overcome childish shyness. Exercises and games from the book « Unenchant the invisible man» intended for children from 5 to 14 years old. With their help, you will be able to develop your child emotionally, reduce anxiety and help you overcome shyness.
Contact a psychologist
If you see that you can’t cope on your own, visit a psychologist. There's no shame in this. The specialist will talk with the child and choose best option behavior correction. Some children will benefit from group training, while others will need individual work with a psychologist.
As you can see, overcoming shyness and helping your child to relax is not so difficult. Work on this daily, praise your son or daughter for every achievement, and very soon you will see significant results. Or maybe you have already been able to overcome your child’s shyness? Be sure to share your experience in the comments!
One of the basic human needs is the need for communication and recognition. For a shy person, the need to communicate causes certain difficulties. What is natural for others becomes a problem for him. He is uncomfortable asking for help, establishing contacts with new people, and may feel very constrained and embarrassed when in society. Adults can also be overly shy, and in some cases this becomes a stable character trait in children.
Why is the child shy?
During certain periods of growth and development, all children are shy, although the degree of manifestation of this property varies among them. For example, girls are more likely to be shy than boys. This is due to their gender and characteristics of upbringing. Sometimes children outgrow the “shy” age, but their character remains the same. A preschooler is afraid to look up at an adult or ask for something for himself. A schoolchild is embarrassed to raise his hand in class, a teenager is hesitant to meet a peer of the opposite sex for fear of rejection. Parents and loved ones need to know why their child is very shy and how to help him.
Age characteristics
At 8 months of age, babies begin to experience “fear of the stranger,” which is a psychologically based stage of growing up. Relatives and friends, to whom the children had previously calmly walked into their arms, are often discouraged. There is no need to worry or sound the alarm - this is not shyness. This is how the baby grows up, beginning to feel his autonomy.
From year to three years The child trusts his family and friends. Strangers cause him anxiety and embarrassment. The question of why a child is shy should not worry the parents of such a child. His mother and father teach him to get acquainted and get comfortable in a new environment, instilling confidence in the little one with their presence and support.
At three years old or a little later, most children begin to attend kindergarten. Some toddlers calmly get used to their surroundings, while others are too early to change anything in their lives. There are boys and girls who childcare facility Due to the peculiarities of their character and upbringing, it is still categorically contraindicated. For a shy child, a new environment is stressful. How to ask for help, express your needs, if there is only one teacher (or two) and there are many children?
Has your little one just started school? Here he sits at a desk for the first time, then becomes a teenager, a high school student. Too obvious displays of restraint and indecisiveness at this age indicate that the child is suffering. It is difficult for him to show spontaneity and activity, to meet other children. It's hard to say “no” or insist on your own. The need to adapt to other people's ideas and dependence on their assessments hinders the development of one's own abilities and the search for a personal calling.
Questions of concern
What to do if a child is too shy, what can his uncertainty and fear indicate, how can parents help their son or daughter overcome negative experiences that prevent them from taking a deep breath? Should we try to “restructure” a baby if he is shy by nature? These questions have always worried parents. The answer to them lies in individual characteristics minor: character, temperament, upbringing, environment, home environment, and so on. You can help your child, but parents must understand the main thing: the child’s well-being largely depends on them.
“They’re like that themselves...”
Building inner confidence depends on many factors. Modesty and bashfulness can be a manifestation of innate temperament or determined by the influence of the family environment in which the little person lives. Shy parents dream of a lively and mischievous son, but they have a shy child growing up. The reasons for shyness are obvious, but how can a child gain determination if his parents are fearful and do not know how to stand up for themselves?
Control or permissiveness
Controlling parents often convey excessive strictness and an authoritarian approach to parenting. The child is surrounded by obsessive attention and care, his every step is checked. Parents of this type are proud and focused on external evaluation. Their child should be the best, his real one inner world adults are not interested. Instead of empathy - criticism and evaluation. Instead of sincere interest, there are indications of the successes and abilities of other children.
The opposite of control is overindulgence. The lack of clear boundaries and lack of emotional support are its main symptoms. The result of such “education” is extremely similar to the result of drill with predominant control. The child perceives himself as weak and insignificant, suffers from controlling parents and adults with a permissive parenting style may wonder why the child is shy, but, unfortunately, they rarely understand that the reason lies in themselves.
“And here they are, the conditions...”
The influence should be highlighted separately. Perhaps there is violence in such a family environment, or the parents suffer from alcoholism. There are many options. Children from such families are sure that the world is unsafe, and they do not deserve good attitude. The feeling of embarrassment for their family poisons their lives and makes them shrink in shame. Also, the formation of a healthy “I” structure is at risk in those children who have lost their parents or were torn away from their mother early.
We need to change the approach to the baby. Relatives will help and it is worth learning to use “I-statements” in conversation. There is no need to admire your child for any reason, but you should praise him for real, albeit small, achievements. It is useful to assign responsible tasks and thank them for their completion. You need to talk with respect, even if there is a child in front of an adult. You cannot raise your voice at a child and compare him with other children. Let him be convinced that he is important in himself, just as he is, then his self-esteem will begin to strengthen.
Fathers often worry even more than mothers that they have a shy child. “What should I do?” they ask, especially if we are talking about a boy. Fathers of sons need to understand that courage and determination will not appear at will or at the will of an adult. To develop such properties, parental support is needed. A father should always be on the side of his baby, not scold him for cowardice, but protect him, be a support. Then the child will gradually overcome his shyness and in the future become courageous and brave, like his father.
Each person's personality is unique. Children are no exception. Parents make the mistake of wasting energy and time on “doing it over” little man. He will never exactly live up to expectations because he has his own way. Wise parents They do not cherish dreams of an ideal toddler, they are attentive to their real children, know their needs and come to the rescue when necessary. They know why a child is shy or too active, as they are responsive to any of his characteristics. Even flowers open in an atmosphere of trust and friendship, so main advice adults - treat children seriously and respectfully. And don’t forget that their happiness and well-being is in your hands.
Children need to be occupied! You need to spend time on them, invest energy, emotions, knowledge, love. They are like a sponge, absorbing all information, even that which they do not need. For the child to grow up a good man, universally developed and, in the future, successful, it is necessary to invest in it. Both financial and simply human. Even in childhood, a child's temperament and character are formed. While children are still very young and do not go to kindergarten or school, parents themselves try to raise their children correctly. Develop in them positive traits, stop bad habits, fight fears and instill faith in your strength and knowledge. There are several tips for parents who are thinking about how to teach their child not to be shy.
Top 6. How to teach a child not to be shy
Top 1. Own example
Top 2. Communication and society
Top 3. Behavior analysis
Top 4. No compulsion
Top 5. Literature and films
Top 6. Initiative in communication
Top 1. Own example.
In order for a child to clearly understand what his parents want from him, what they are explaining to him and what they are inclining him to, his own example is simply necessary. Show your child, using an example, some kind of situation, how to act, how to behave and what to do if the child falls into a stupor. Having acted in a certain way, be sure to decipher your action to the cub, explain and give several arguments for your own behavior.
Top 2. Communication and society.
Modesty, timidity and indecisiveness are very common in the process of growing up. A period of tightness may occur during at different ages and even several times. The first bells appear from 1 to 2 years, when the baby walks, speaks his first words and, walking with his parents, meets new people. In order to avoid timidity and embarrassment in a child from infancy, it is necessary to introduce him to the adult world as early as possible. Take your baby to meetings, nature, shopping and other activities. As soon as your child can move independently, take him with you to work.
If you have the opportunity to enroll your child in kindergarten, do not neglect this opportunity. A habitat filled with a large number of the same kids has the best effect on child development, this is a manifestation of the development of speech abilities, communication skills, the ability to behave in a team and, of course, the fight against embarrassment.
Top 3. Behavior analysis.
If once again the child behaved indecisively, timidly and shyly, after the situation has occurred, be sure to discuss it together, analyze it, and discuss it with others possible options its development. Give your child the opportunity to see himself from the outside, show him.
Top 4. No compulsions.
If you can’t help your child cope with shyness, you don’t need to apply any coercion or pressure to him. If during a meeting the baby hides behind his parents, do not push him towards the interlocutor and do not force him to greet or kiss. After all, we cannot understand the experiences and emotions that occur in a child’s heart.
Top 5. Literature and films.
What do children love most? Play, watch cartoons and listen to fairy tales, right? So, with the help of your favorite activities, you can help your child cope with embarrassment. Select the right list of cartoons and fairy tales that will give your child the opportunity to clearly see an example of courage, fearlessness and bravery. Read fairy tales to your kids in which the main characters are the embodiment of determination. Believe me, all children dream of being like their idols and strive to be as positive as them. This means that a correctly chosen plot will be an excellent help in the fight against childhood self-doubt.
Top 6. Initiative in communication.
Surely every parent has encountered the problem of introducing children to each other, for example, on playgrounds. When kids want to play together, but don’t dare take the first step. To teach a child to get to know each other, to show ease in communication and ease in questions, this is the direct responsibility of all fathers and mothers. You need to tell your child a few simple phrases with which he can interest his interlocutor so that the dialogue will definitely take place and your baby will not be ignored.
