I don't feel anything during sex. There are neither pleasant nor unpleasant sensations. I just turned 19 years old. What could be the reason?
The most common sexual disorder in women is anorgasmia, i.e. lack of orgasm. Anorgasmia - in women - absence of orgasm during sexual activity. Anorgasmia is often combined with a decrease in sexual desire or its complete absence. There are three degrees of anorgasmia:
-1- lack of orgasm, although sexual intercourse is accompanied by pleasant sensations;
-2- sexual intercourse is indifferent, sexual arousal and satisfaction are absent;
-3- sexual intercourse is unpleasant, accompanied by painful sensations.
This condition can arise, for example, as a result of premature ejaculation in the husband, interrupted sexual intercourse, insufficient psychoerotic preparation of the woman for intimacy (due to the lack of preliminary caresses), or incorrectly chosen position. Moreover, a woman sexual partner depends more on the man, who usually determines the frequency, rhythm, form of sexual intercourse, and social norms of behavior determined by sex education do not always allow a woman to make adjustments to the sexual behavior of her partner, as a result of which erogenous zones(both genital and extragenital) do not receive sufficient stimulation. So, for example, 25% healthy women the highly sensitive erogenous zone is the clitoris area, while the vagina is insensitive; these women usually orgasm with additional clitoral stimulation. For many women, the outer third of the vagina is very sensitive, while the uterus and deep parts of the vagina are less sensitive. The predominant effect on certain erogenous zones depends on the position in which the rapprochement is carried out; inappropriate posture may be one of the causes of dysgamy. Treatment is etiopathogenetic, complex, staged, strictly individual, aimed at creating optimal conditions for the expression of a woman’s sexuality, eliminating sexual disorders in a partner, and normalizing sexual intercourse. The leading role in treatment belongs to rational psychotherapy, which is carried out taking into account individual characteristics, interests and attitudes of both partners, is based on identifying and eliminating inhibitory moments and expanding the range of acceptable forms of influence on erogenous zones. In some cases, suggestive psychotherapy and autogenic training have a positive effect. Medicines used include tranquilizers and antidepressants (for depressive conditions), stimulants and vitamins (for general asthenia), hormonal drugs(for endocrine pathology). When sensitivity changes, it is carried out local treatment. Physiotherapeutic methods include hydrotherapy (cold and hot sitz baths, rising showers), electrical stimulation and vibration massage of the pelvic floor muscles. For anatomical defects and scar changes in the genital organs, surgical treatment may be indicated.
The causes of anorgasmia are divided into retardation, psychogenic, and symptomatic. A peculiarity of a man’s sexual function is to achieve orgasm already during the first sexual intercourse and, if he is healthy, at almost every intercourse. With a woman, everything is incomparably more complicated. In fact, nature did not allow a woman to experience orgasm during her first sexual intercourse (if this happens, it is not as a rule, but as an exception). Only after a certain period of regular sexual activity in marriage (or with one regular partner) does a woman, under the influence of her partner, learn to experience orgasm. Mental disorders (neuroses, depression), psychological and physiological incompatibility of partners, sexual illiteracy are quite common causes of anorgasmia. Most common reason- insufficient sensitivity of the receptor apparatus of the genital organs. The second most common is mental: fear of new, bright, ecstatic sensations. In this case, sensing the approach of release, the woman “squeezes” and even reduces the amplitude of her body movements. Modern sexology quite successfully treats anorgasmia. If it is caused by the first reason, we stimulate the receptors of the genital apparatus using soft “tissue” stimulators and a properly selected vibrator. In most cases, treatment is completed in two or three sessions (naturally, between sessions the client does significant work - training!). Anorgasmia caused by mental causes takes a little longer and is more difficult to treat, but is also quite successful.
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anonymous, Male, 19 years old
Good day, by chance I decided to seek advice from specialists. I’ll briefly describe the situation - my girlfriend and I are 19 years old, we’ve been dating for six months, sex started 3.5 months ago. Not exactly regular. Once every 2-3 weeks. The girl was a virgin. The first 2-3 times: during defloration and 1-2 times after - she was in pain and felt discomfort. There was no talk of any pleasure on her part. Further painful sensations disappeared, but were not replaced by special sensitivity. For 4-5 times now she has been experiencing discomfort upon “entrance”, after which they disappear and complete “sensitive apathy” sets in. In her words, she feels the presence of something inside her, but she experiences absolutely no pleasure, and sometimes she doesn’t feel anything at all inside her. Neither I nor she have the slightest idea of what the problem could be and when all this will stop, or even if it will stop at all. If possible, please tell me what should we do? Or how do you feel about this?
Good afternoon, The ability to experience orgasm is the same skill as the ability to walk and talk, believe it or not, but our brain also needs time to understand how to learn this. Your girlfriend has not yet “taught” her brain to understand how to experience an orgasm from stimulation of the main deep erogenous zones ( points G,A,K,U) and they are still in a “sleeping” state, that is, their sensitivity is extremely low and the brain cannot correctly interpret their stimulation; it has so far learned to perceive only stimulation of the clitoris. I advise you to awaken her sensitivity by first stimulating during masturbation not only the clitoris, but also the deeper erogenous zones of the vagina (the pleasant sensations from stimulation of which she does not yet feel) using a vibrator, over time they will become more receptive to stimulation and it will be easier for her to experience orgasm from sex with a partner. But don’t rush, first she must learn to feel her body on her own, find out what types of stimulation and what zones she likes best, find out what fantasies excite her and how it’s easier for her to tune into an excited and relaxed state. When she can track all this and confidently understands her body, she should tell you how and where best to stimulate her. And at the last stage, jointly awaken the not yet awakened erogenous zones using the “bridge” technique - alternately stimulate the awakened zone and the still sleeping one (after about a month of such practice, the sleeping erogenous zones begin to be more sensitive). A female orgasm is not only a mechanical irritation of the external genital organs, but also a corresponding state of the woman’s psyche and hormonal system. For example, during ovulation, you become more easily aroused and get an orgasm faster, but during ovulation it is almost impossible to get an orgasm because your hormones are lower than normal levels. Also, if a woman is upset or very excited about something, she will not be able to concentrate and relax, hence the lack of orgasm, so pay attention to small details and the right attitude on intimate relationships. A relaxed and excited state + the appropriate period of the cycle + awakened erogenous zones and vaginal orgasm will not take long to arrive. Don’t worry too much, this is a fairly common problem in women and it can be easily corrected with the right approach. I also advise you to train your intimate muscles using Kegel exercises and vaginal balls.
- Some of us do not know how to recognize our feelings, so we mistakenly think that we do not experience them.
- Paying attention to your feelings makes it easier to understand others and makes our lives brighter.
“And what do you think I should feel?” - with this question my 37-year-old friend Lina completed the story about how she quarreled with her husband when he accused her of stupidity and laziness. I thought about it (the word “should” does not fit well with feelings) and carefully asked: “What do you feel?” It was my friend's turn to think. After a pause, she said in surprise: “It seems like nothing. Does this happen to you?”
Of course it happens! But not when my husband and I quarrel. I know exactly what I feel at such moments: resentment and anger. And sometimes there is also fear, because I imagine that we will not be able to make peace, and then we will have to part, and this thought scares me. But I remember well that when I worked on television and my boss shouted at me loudly, I absolutely did not feel anything. Just zero emotions. I was even proud of it. Although it is still difficult to call this feeling pleasant.
“No emotions at all? It doesn't happen like that! - objects family psychologist Elena Ulitova. – Emotions are the body’s reaction to changes in the environment. It affects both bodily sensations, self-image, and understanding of the situation.” An angry husband or boss is a fairly significant change in the environment; it cannot go unnoticed. Then why don't emotions arise? “We lose contact with our feelings, and therefore it seems to us that there are no feelings,” explains the psychologist.
We lose contact with our feelings, and therefore it seems to us that there are no feelings
So we just don't feel anything? “Not like that,” Elena Ulitova corrects me again. – We feel something and can understand it by observing the reactions of our body. Has your breathing become faster? Is your forehead covered in sweat? Are there tears in your eyes? Are your hands clenched into fists or are your legs numb? Your body screams: “Threat!” But you do not let this signal pass into consciousness, where it could be correlated with past experience and named in words. Therefore, subjectively, you experience this complex state when the reactions that have arisen encounter a barrier on the way to their awareness, like the absence of feelings.” Why is this happening?
Too much luxury
It is probably more difficult for a person who is attentive to his feelings to step over “I don’t want”? “It is obvious that feelings should not be the only basis for making decisions,” explains existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “But in tough times, when parents don’t have time to listen to feelings, children receive a hidden message: “This dangerous topic, it can ruin our lives."
One of the reasons for insensitivity is lack of training. Understanding your feelings is a skill that may not develop.
“For this, a child needs the support of his parents,” points out Svetlana Krivtsova, “but if he receives a signal from them that his feelings are not important, do not solve anything, are not taken into account, then he stops feeling, that is, he ceases to be aware of his feelings.”
Of course, adults do this not maliciously: “This is a feature of our history: for entire periods, society was guided by the principle “I don’t care about fat, I wish I could live.” In a situation where you have to survive, feelings turn out to be a luxury. If we feel, we may be ineffective and not do what we need to do.”
Boys are often prohibited from everything that is associated with weakness: sadness, resentment, fatigue, fear
Lack of time and parental strength leads to the fact that we inherit this strange insensitivity. “Other models cannot be learned,” the psychotherapist regrets. “As soon as we begin to relax a little, crisis, default, and ultimately fear again force us to group and broadcast the “do what you have to” model as the only correct one.”
Even a simple question: “Do you want some pie?” Some people feel empty: “I don’t know.” This is why it is so important for parents to ask questions (“Does this taste good?”) and honestly describe what is happening to the child (“You have a fever,” “I think you are afraid,” “You might like this”) and to others. (“Daddy is angry”)
Dictionary oddities
Parents lay the foundation for a vocabulary that, over time, will allow children to describe and understand their experiences. Later, children will compare their experiences with the stories of other people, with what they see in films and read in books... In the dictionary we inherited there are also forbidden words that are better not to use. This is how family programming occurs: some experiences are approved, others are not.
“Each family has its own programs,” continues Elena Ulitova, “they may vary depending on the gender of the child. Boys are often prohibited from everything that is associated with weakness: sadness, resentment, fatigue, tenderness, pity, fear. But anger and joy are resolved, especially the joy of victory. For girls, it’s often the other way around—resentment is allowed, anger is forbidden.”
In addition to the prohibitions, there are also instructions: girls are ordered to be patient. And, accordingly, they forbid complaining and talking about their pain. “My grandmother loved to repeat: “God endured and commanded us,” recalls 50-year-old Olga. “And my mother proudly told me that during childbirth she “didn’t make a sound.” When I gave birth to my first son, I tried not to scream, but I couldn’t, and I was ashamed that I didn’t meet the “set bar.”
Call by their proper names
Similar to a way of thinking, each of us has our own “feeling way” associated with a belief system. “I have the right to some feelings, but not to others, or I have the right only under certain conditions,” explains Elena Ulitova. – For example, you can be angry with a child if he is to blame. And if I believe that he is not to blame, my anger may be repressed or change direction.” It can be directed at yourself: “I’m a bad mother!” All mothers are like mothers, but I cannot calm my own child.
Anger can be covered up by resentment - everyone has normal children, but I got this one, screaming and screaming. “The creator of transactional analysis, Eric Berne, believed that feelings of resentment do not exist at all,” reminds Elena Ulitova. – This is a “racket” feeling; We need it to use it to force others to do what we want. I’m offended, which means you should feel guilty and somehow make amends.”
If you constantly suppress one feeling, then others weaken, shades are lost, emotional life becomes monotonous
We are capable of not only replacing some feelings with others, but also shifting the spectrum of experiences on a plus-minus scale. “One day I suddenly realized that I didn’t feel joy,” admits 22-year-old Denis, “the snow fell, and I thought: “It’s going to be limp, it’s going to be slushy.” The day began to grow longer, I thought: “How long will I have to wait before it becomes noticeable!”
Our “image of feelings” indeed often gravitates towards joy or sadness. “The reasons may be different, including a lack of vitamins or hormones,” says Elena Ulitova, “but often this condition arises as a result of upbringing. Then, after understanding the situation, the next step is to give yourself permission to feel.”
The point is not to have more “good” feelings. The ability to experience sadness is just as important as the ability to rejoice. It's about expanding the range of experiences. Then we won’t have to come up with “pseudonyms”, and we will be able to call our feelings by their proper names.
Feelings and time
This tip will help you sort out your feelings. When assigned to “its” time, the feeling helps solve the problem. IN otherwise it masks another feeling.
Sadness speaks of the need to say goodbye to something, to grieve about something, to forget, or, conversely, to turn it into a memory.
Fear calls on us to provide protection against possible danger.
Anger - a signal that my boundaries have been violated and they need to be defended right now.
Resentment in this case it does not help.
Joy outside of time: you can rejoice about what was, what is now or will happen in the future. It helps us enjoy life at all times.
Too strong feelings
It would be wrong to think that the ability to “turn off” feelings always arises as a mistake, a defect. Sometimes she helps us. At the moment of mortal danger, many experience numbness, up to the illusion that “I am not here” or “everything is not happening to me.” Some “feel nothing” immediately after a loss, left alone after a breakup or death of a loved one.
“What is forbidden here is not the feeling as such, but the intensity of this feeling,” explains Elena Ulitova. “A strong experience causes strong arousal, which in turn turns on protective inhibition.” This is how the mechanisms of the unconscious work: what is intolerable is repressed. Over time, the situation will become less acute and the feeling will begin to manifest itself.
The mechanism for disconnecting from emotions is intended for emergency situations, it is not designed for long-term use
We may be afraid that some strong feeling will overwhelm us if we let it out, and we will not be able to cope with it. “I once broke a chair in a rage and now I am sure that I can cause real harm to the person with whom I get angry. Therefore, I try to be restrained and not give vent to anger,” admits 32-year-old Andrei.
“I have a rule: don’t fall in love,” says 42-year-old Maria. – Once I fell madly in love with a man, and he, of course, broke my heart. That’s why I avoid attachments and am happy.” Maybe it’s not bad if we give up feelings that are intolerable to us?
Why feel
The mechanism for disconnecting from emotions is intended for emergency situations; it is not designed for long-term use. If we constantly suppress one feeling, then others weaken, shades are lost, and emotional life becomes monotonous. “Emotions indicate that we are alive,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. – Without them, it is difficult to make choices, understand the feelings of other people, and therefore difficult to communicate. And the experience of emotional emptiness itself is painful.” Therefore, it is better to restore contact with “lost” feelings as soon as possible.
So the question, “What should I feel?” better than a simple “I don’t feel anything.” And, surprisingly, there is an answer to it - “sadness, fear, anger or joy.” Psychologists argue about how many “basic feelings” we have. Some include in this list, for example, feeling self-esteem, which is considered congenital. But regarding the mentioned four, everyone agrees: these are feelings inherent in us by nature.
So I will invite Lina to correlate her state with one of the basic feelings. Something tells me that she will choose neither sadness nor joy. As in my story with my boss: now I can admit to myself that I felt anger at the same time as strong fear, which prevented the anger from manifesting itself.
This is a complaint that we hear very often. Lack of feelings, a film of indifference that imperceptibly drags on your whole life, swamping it with boredom, indifference and muddy meaninglessness. Dusty routine and constant fatigue- eternal companions of this state.
Let me introduce you to Mrs. Apathy. A discreet lady, dressed in something gray and shapeless, quietly and unnoticeably settled in the corner of the room. It’s amazing how, with all her lethargy and immobility, she manages to so quickly seize power over everyone who happens to be nearby.
The first way to form apathy is a consequence of blocking feelings.
Overwhelming toxic emotions can be so painful and unbearable that their awareness and living is perceived as life-threatening. Impossibly heavy. Then the only way to somehow deal with them is to muffle them, suppress them, freeze them. And it really works! It was as if anesthesia had been administered - there was no pain, just a slight chill. But it’s impossible to selectively suppress only pain. Everything is suppressed en masse: joy, pleasures, and Vital energy. This is a state of stunned numbness, lethargic crushing, endless fatigue that does not go away with rest. The body is heavy, as if loaded with weights, the simplest actions can be given with great difficulty. Sometimes even getting up, washing and getting dressed becomes a small feat.
In its acute, pronounced form, this powerlessness crushes you with a heavy slab, makes it impossible to go to work, and makes it impossible to concentrate on anything at all. Complete cotton wool in the head. At the peak of these experiences, a state of painful mental insensibility may arise - when the very inability to feel feelings becomes so total and all-encompassing that in itself it causes very painful suffering. A person is ready and would like to feel any pain, just to feel alive and not like a wooden Pinocchio. But he can't.
Often these experiences are not so pronounced, but create a dusty background that has been creeping for years, gradually draining strength. Painful, anesthetized feelings do not make themselves felt, and the freezing is still not so total as to completely take away life. You can set goals, achieve results, even try to have fun. All this, however, will ring like cold metal or resemble brightly colored artificial plastic, but what can you do? There is a price to pay for freedom from pain.
This is a depressive (anesthetic) variant of the development of apathy.
And it usually responds well to treatment. At acute forms the main emphasis is on drug treatment, in chronic cases, the role of psychotherapy increases. But this psychotherapy will not be sweet - in order to revive feelings, you will have to revive and experience all the pain that was once frozen.
The second way in which apathy grows is through failure to recognize feelings.
“I don’t know what I feel” are typical words for such patients. Something rolls up to your throat and gets stuck in your chest. But it’s not clear what to call it, what words to choose to describe your feelings.
Often close emotions seem to be stuck together; no internal distinction is made between, say, sadness and melancholy or delight and joy. Sometimes, from the entire spectrum of human feelings, only two compressed semi-finished products remain: positive and negative. In another case, the problem is not even to name the feeling, but simply to notice it, to record it. Many people are probably familiar with the situation when an enraged person furiously assures those around him that he is not the least bit angry. Just not realizing, not tracking what is happening to him.
Now imagine that exactly by this mechanism, without recording at all what they feel, and without even imagining or noticing how they express these feelings outside, some people live most of their time.
Or, even if by some happy coincidence the feeling is still noticed, it is forgotten very quickly. Doesn't leave any significant trace in memory. It was - and like a cow licked it with its tongue. Something vague can barely be heard from the depths of consciousness, as if it happened not yesterday, but several years ago.
It turns out that the emotional life of such people can be very stormy and intense. It’s just that everything passes past consciousness. An unreasonable, unnoticed, unnamed feeling is doomed to remain an impulsive impulse, a fleeting outburst, and in this situation there is no way to build your life focusing on yourself, on your feelings. After all, they remain behind seven seals. It seems like it’s there, it seems like it’s being taken away different sides, but what it is, how, where it comes from and what causes it is a mystery. And at the level of consciousness there remains only emptiness. Everything is smeared, rubbed over, forgotten. It sticks together into one indistinct tangled lump. There is no way to hear yourself, and it seems that there is nothing inside.
This is the alexithymic pathway of apathy.
Medicines will no longer be able to help here. Only psychotherapy. And long-term. It is very difficult for such people to learn to listen to themselves, notice what is happening to them, and find the exact words to describe their feelings. And also - remember them, leave them in your memory, let them color your days and years. It's like learning to use a muscle you never knew you had.
Well, another option for apathy is simply a lack of feelings.
They are not blocked, and not that they are not recognized. There really aren't any. This, so to speak, is the nuclear version of apathy, the true one. Its deficient version.
Feelings can be destroyed as a result of mental illness, they simply cannot be formed during development.
Let's say, when various forms autism. It’s not for nothing that people suffering from mental disorders often find that they have symptoms of autism - there really are a lot of similarities. First of all, the emotions that are affected are those responsible for social competence, the ability to feel the state of another person, and in general to understand how people find points of intersection with each other.
In several other variants, these deficits exist in character pathologies. Higher emotions, such as the ability for love, gratitude, and empathy, are not formed at all or are underdeveloped. Connections with other people are formal and mechanical. The world of human relationships then turns into deserted and emasculated, saturated with ritualized games, the main goal of which is to fill the void and at least a little dispel boredom. Everything that happens between people turns into an empty farce, a meaningless show, a rat race. There is no personal involvement in what is happening, everything is done formally, for show, because it’s supposed to be.
Working with deficits is very difficult. In order to grow, to germinate in oneself feelings that have been erased or have always been completely absent, to learn to experience them, you need a colossal mental effort, and systematically, over a long time. This is painstaking, very expensive work that lasts for years. People usually decide to do this out of complete intolerance to what is happening now. But the result of this work, if you manage to achieve success, is as if a dry tree has blossomed. I think it's worth it. However, here everyone decides for himself.
