Aggression surrounds us everywhere. You can be rude in line, in a clinic, while driving a car, or behind a store counter. But the worst thing is when the main battlefield is the family. A place that is considered a stronghold of safety suddenly becomes a major threat to life and health. What to do, where to look for protection if your spouse, who took an oath to protect and cherish you, no longer fulfills it? Domestic violence is a serious reason to think about whether your union is strong and whether you need it.
By the way, according to statistics, men can also suffer from beatings in the family. 20% of powerful women prove they are right by using physical strength. But the majority are, of course, tyrant husbands.
Destroying the main stereotype about victims of domestic violence
Does it mean he loves? Every Russian woman has heard this phrase at least once and even used it to justify her husband’s behavior. But we will look at why a wife actually allows her husband to beat her, what is the psychological basis for this behavior of a victim of violence.
It is believed that if a woman was brought up in a similar family situation, then she subconsciously strives to recreate the same model in her own marriage. But no, this is not always the case. Much more often in childhood they suffered from a lack of love from their mother. Such women enter into alliances with men who have also experienced humiliation in the past, as a result of which the relationship between such spouses turns out to be emotionally strong. At the dating stage, spouses have confidence that they understand each other perfectly, like no one else. But in fact, it was the tyrant who found his ideal victim.
A strong psychological codependency arises between a beating husband and a beaten wife, which both are unable to refuse. During periods of calm, this is expressed in passion, affection, a special connection that isolates them from the outside world. However, the longer such a marriage lasts, the more difficult it is to get out of it. And the more the aggressor will show violence “out of love,” and the victim will endure and blindly believe in empty promises “not to repeat this again.”
The woman’s behavior can be attributed to the concept of “Stockholm syndrome”. She justifies the actions of her tyrant husband, meekly forgives him for beatings of any complexity, since she is dependent on him. Often such a man deliberately forbids his wife to work, which automatically deprives her of her livelihood if she leaves. However, even if the spouse finds strength in herself, the dominant spouse once again threatens and uses violence in order to leave the woman on whom he depends no less.
Psychotypes of men most prone to violence
It is not necessary that those representatives who fit the presented psychotypes of personality will show aggression. In addition, a tyrant husband may have a completely different set of qualities, but be an aggressor for other reasons. Nevertheless, let us consider the types most psychologically susceptible to power and dominance.
- Epileptoid. These are individuals who tend to get irritated over trifles. They are pedantic, strive to put everything in order, are overly economical, and vindictive. Such men are infuriated by a woman’s sensitivity; they find fault with any of her actions with or without reason. In a marriage with such a husband, only one who has either similar character traits or holds a high position with weight in society can get along. She can force herself to be respected; an epileptoid man will accept such a woman as his equal. Everyone else is unlikely to be able to withstand the complex nature of the spouse, who is capable of resorting to threats and violence in order to preserve the marriage.
- Paranoid type. The most embittered type of personality due to his suspicion, which gives rise to causeless jealousy. Living with such a man means constantly expecting beatings, reproaches, and claims. Moreover, at the beginning of acquaintance, the paranoid person is completely different: noble, courteous, charming. He's a sadist. First he hurts, and then he apologizes for a long time, even to the point of kneeling in front of his wife and crying. It gives him pleasure. If the partner is not ready to play such games, then it will be extremely difficult for her.
An audio recording of the seminar “How to Deal with Your Anger” may be useful. » from Denis Burkhaev.
Possible risk factors for aggression
A man may be violent if:
- As a child, he was aggressive towards living things or had problems with discipline in general.
- The man's family was filled with violence.
- Parents often punished or made strict demands.
- Has head injuries.
- He experienced difficulties in studying at school and had poor academic performance.
- Does not feel sympathy for surrounding people and phenomena.
The presence of all factors, however, does not always lead to violence. Many men are more persistent and know how to keep themselves under control. But the slightest stressful situation can “awaken” the aggressor in him. Unfortunately, not all of them are aware of their difficulties and admit them.
Causes of violence
A man beats his wife, demonstrating his power - so it seems at first glance. But the impression is deceiving. The real reason is his powerlessness, not his strength. Beatings become a habit of such a man due to impunity and lack of resistance. This behavior has become entrenched in the minds of the tyrant due to the fact that within him there is a struggle between the “unmanly” manifestation of feelings and the true model of a “real man.” The husband breaks down because he is unable to express his feelings due to the fact that he considers it unmanly. The tension accumulates, and he throws it out on the one at hand - his wife. At the same time, the aggressor wants to achieve care and consolation from his wife, but if she fails to calm him down with words, then the husband beats her. Thus, he seems to punish himself for weakness, but the woman suffers physically and mentally.
The dominator husband reacts sharply to any attempts by his wife to talk to another man or to show politeness. He suppresses her for fear of losing her, of being left alone. In addition, in situations where the wife refuses sex or devotes a lot of time to someone else - friends, relatives, the husband feels rejected and thinks that she is indifferent to him. This causes outbursts of aggression.
It also happens that a woman partly provokes her husband. If she often shows dissatisfaction, mocks some of her husband’s ideas, and does not allow her to meet with friends, then the man is even sure that he is doing the right thing, punishing her with his fists for hostility. This moment suggests that he not only interprets the situation incorrectly, but also considers himself right, that he has good reasons for violence.
What should a woman do to avoid becoming a victim of violence? Is it possible to save a family?
First of all, it would be a good idea to come to a joint meeting with a psychologist. Find out the reasons aggressive behavior spouse, help him solve his problems, and the wife change the strategy, find other ways of protection and assistance. If a man has a desire to change, and the roots of the problem lie in childhood, then it is possible to save the family.
It is important for a woman to use violence against her from the very first attempt, to clearly define the boundaries of what is permitted. Be prepared to give him sanctions and carry them out if necessary. The husband must know that he will lose her if he is not restrained.
If attempts to reach an agreement lead nowhere, you cannot stay with a tyrant whose aggression is only growing. It doesn’t matter whether other relatives will be on the wife’s side, but it is important not to endure beatings, bullying, not to blame yourself, not to defend your husband, but to leave immediately. Don’t listen to anyone’s advice if your mind tells you that things won’t get better.
It doesn't matter if it's a slap or a push, an insult, a bruise. Violence always increases when there is no answer. Fractures, dislocations, severe concussions - this is what awaits you. Or even death. Therefore, it is better to leave without serious health consequences.
The safety of a woman and the health of her children depend only on herself. Despite the fact that initially it lies on the shoulders of the man. But the tyrant does not cope with his functions, and the woman should recognize this fact in time in order to remain safe. It is not and cannot be any of her fault. Neither feelings nor financial situation should not be at the forefront. If you want to save your life, run. If a man loves and is capable of adequate thinking, then he will begin to change for the sake of his family. But this rarely happens. But pulling the burden of suffering alone is not an option.
The worst thing is that society does not respond to the problems of domestic violence, or does not attach due importance to them. Therefore, a woman has to cope on her own, be strong and wise.
I wrote this short article specifically for women who have suffered from domestic violence or suffering from it right now. I am engaged in conflictology (conflict psychology) and how psychologist I have already helped many women restore peace in their families, and harmony and love in their relationships with their husbands. I'm sure I can help you too. So, you are personally faced with this terrible situation - your husband has completely changed and constantly raises his hand against you. At home, some kind of incidents and excesses are constantly happening, one wild trick follows another, and you don’t know what to expect from your husband, your health is constantly under threat. As a practicing psychologist, I want to give you some specific psychological advice and recommendations that will help you deal with the situation and improve your Get your head in order about what to do next:
1) First of all, understand that you are allowing your husband to beat you. Being a victim is also a choice, and for some reason you chose this role - to be a victim. The problem here is that when your husband hits you, you do not immediately, clearly and unambiguously show him that this is absolutely for you. unacceptable. And the first thing you need to do is to find the strength and determination to tell him that his behavior is unacceptable for you. Stop justifying his violence, stop looking for arguments to justify it! With your kindness and your forgiveness you will provoke him again and again to violence, but you yourself allow him.
2) In fact, a husband who beats his wife simply needs the help of a psychologist. The role of a man is to protect a woman and patronize her, take care of her, this is his best masculine qualities. If a husband, instead of love and protection, shows such cruelty towards a woman and beats her, then this is psychopathology, he needs help - just not your help and not your forgiveness, but the help of a specialist. Another thing is how to persuade him to accept this help from a psychologist, to make him realize that this is a problem. Understand until he realizes it's really his problem which can destroy it family life, and it will make him feel bad, he will not begin to change.
3) The most common advice is to leave him immediately and run away before it’s too late. You know, very often this is the most best advice. It is truly impossible to be a victim and live without the opportunity to show your femininity and your sense of dignity. Don't be afraid of leaving, be afraid that your life with this person may be broken. I just want to draw your attention to this - when you leave, are you sure that you will choose a non-sadist as your new companion? From my point of view, if you see that you are not provoking him in any way, then really leave such a man as soon as possible, otherwise your whole life will be ruined. Just after leaving, analyze very carefully your criteria for choosing a man, your long-term criteria for falling in love. It may very well be that you choose men of the same type and this is precisely your life scenario. To truly change these criteria for choosing a husband and to get out of your scenario, you will most likely need the help of a psychologist.
4) Don’t think that the situation can be tolerated, that if your husband constantly beats you, then one day this will change and the husband will suddenly, as if by magic, one day correct himself... A situation in which husband beats wife In fact Can fix it, but only if you correct it yours behavior towards her husband, and this requires active work over the situation on your part. It’s impossible to wait it out passively, you won’t be able to endure it. Actually, there are two ways out here - either leave him, or start actively restoring the damaged relationship yourself. But violence cannot be tolerated.
5) If your husband makes very clear threats to your life, and you see that he is beginning to behave inappropriately or is abusing alcohol, do not risk your life, leave him for some period and move in with relatives or friends. Almost every major city has a center for helping victims of domestic violence; find its address in the telephone directory and they will help you and your child with accommodation for this time. Moreover, you need to contact a help center if your husband threatens you with a weapon - just do it no demonstration your intentions, but quietly and secretly from him, do not blackmail him with threats to leave. Your life, your health and your safety come first.
6) Try to calm down, find a place for solitude (I highly recommend finding such a place outside the home, for example, in a park or in a uncrowded cafe), take a sheet of paper or notepad and write in it chronologically the history of your conflicts with your husband. Try to remember where it all started, when and for what reason did your husband raise his hand against you? Try to emotionally distance yourself from the situation and look at it from the outside, could you have provoked him or not? I remind you that you should under no circumstances justify his behavior, you must understand the psychological reasons for his outburst of anger. If it's his parent program(that is, he saw exactly this attitude towards women from his parents and believes that this is normal, that this is the norm) and if he does not want to change, then there really are no options - you cannot live with a sadistic husband.
7) Now let's talk about a single, one-time conflict. If the husband had never behaved like this before, but suddenly something seemed to come over him. Think it over emotional condition where your husband was recently. What events have happened recently in his life? Maybe he was recently fired or some great misfortune happened in his life, he lost something or someone? Don't get me wrong, I will never justify violence against a woman, I just want to ask you now - were you tactful with him before the quarrel, did you try to emotionally support and inspire him? Maybe you have been psychologically pricking him lately, instead of supporting him during a difficult period? This is just a reason to reconsider your behavior towards him and improve your relationship according to the laws of nature.
8) Let's repeat. Answer yourself honestly, is there any sacrifice in your behavior? Do you feel like a “victim”? Resign from this role immediately! Understand that domestic violence unacceptable in any way that you should not and WILL NEVER tolerate this again. Explain this clearly, concisely and unambiguously to your husband by pointing to packed suitcase- if you hit me, I'll leave. Do not hush up your problem and do not try to endure it, contact the police for help, social services, to centers for helping victims of domestic violence and to psychologists.
Learn to value yourself, love and respect.
If you want to correct your husband, then only a psychologist can help him; unfortunately, domestic violence is one of those rare cases when love cannot rehabilitate a person. Help for women victims of domestic violence is actually multifaceted and can be very different - from psychological assistance to you and to psychotherapeutic correction of your husband’s personality. Realize that you are already chose this is for myself sacrificial behavior and began to associate themselves with the victim. To determine what kind of relationship you currently have with your husband and how it can be improved so that violence in the family stops - only a local psychologist can personally help you with this.
Husbands who raise their hands against their wives can be divided into two types. The first includes those who accumulate aggression during a scandal with their other half, and then, having reached the boiling point, attack their wife to throw out the negativity. For such husbands, domestic assault becomes a habit. It becomes as commonplace as drinking coffee in the morning.
The second type of beating husbands is less common, but it is the most dangerous. Unlike the first type, this category does not need loud scandals at all in order to raise a hand against his wife. These husbands outwardly look completely calm, but at the same time they can show aggression at any moment, and even with the use of some objects: a hammer, a chair, a knife. Such people have serious mental disorders, and living with them means putting your life in danger.
Most often, assault is carried out by those men who have not achieved anything in their lives. By showing violence against a loved one, they try to gain power over at least something.
What to do with a violent husband
To cope with assault from her husband, first of all, the wife needs to prevent violence against herself. She should not feel sorry for herself and sob into her pillow. Instead, you need to pull yourself together and think carefully about the current situation. It is important to understand the reason for the aggression on the part of the husband and decide whether it is worth continuing to live with this person.
You need to think about further actions without emotions, soberly assessing the situation. To do this, you should not make any decision on the day when your husband showed aggression. It's better to wait a couple of days to calm down.
If the decision has been made to save the family and stay with her husband, then the woman needs to act in several directions at once and needs to start with herself. First of all, you should eliminate the fear caused by your spouse within yourself. He must see that they are no longer afraid of him.
Then you need to raise your own self-esteem. You need to start respecting and loving your “I”, because probably the husband has already managed to convince his wife that she is ugly and stupid. Now you should direct all your strength to change this belief, first within yourself, and then in the eyes of your husband.
Behavior towards your husband also needs to be corrected. You need to try to hide your irritation, become affectionate and positive. It wouldn’t hurt to remind your spouse of his merits.
When trying to restore peace in the family, it is important to act gradually, without rushing. The main thing is to remember that if a man does not admit his problems with self-control, then all his wife’s efforts to improve the relationship will be in vain.
As the classic wrote, everything happy families happy equally, all unhappy people are unhappy in their own way. However, one can argue with this quote from Anna Karenina: in misfortune there are also plenty of templates. Family violence, especially in our country - one of the most common. Why does a man beat his wife? Let's try to find the answer to this question - and then, you see, we'll get to the solution to the problem.
Fake wrapper
During the wedding, you are sure that everything will be as wonderful as it was during the candy-bouquet period: “serenades under the window,” text messages with or without reason, tender love and other delights. Alas, sometimes it’s just shiny packaging, and the product itself underneath is of a completely different quality.
After the registry office, you notice that the man changes dramatically and demands unconditional submission. Maybe patriarchy is in our blood, although in fact it has long been out of step with modern realities.
We just got married, there were no questions: you could take care of yourself, work or study - in a word, you were modern man. And now he abruptly changes course and says: “Stay at home, I’ll earn enough for my family. But don’t expect extra money - you’ll waste it all. Since you are my wife, get used to living at the level that I can provide.” This is the first stage, and at the next stage you ask yourself: if your husband hits you, what should you do?
You can break up right away, but everything is not so simple. What to do if this is love - the real one. Or if you are already pregnant? Yes, unfortunately, few people can be surprised by the fact that a husband beats his pregnant wife. This picture is scary to even imagine, but what’s even worse is that, due to its supposedly hopeless situation, future mom endures and forgives again and again.
Why does the husband start raising his hand? Psychology suggests that no one gives up for any reason. Most likely, there were alarm bells before.
Remember, even before the wedding, he grabbed you sharply by the hand, or yelled, or maybe even swung your hand - that happened, right? And then he apologized, promised that it would not happen again, or something like that. Even then it was worth thinking about whether you need such love!
And here’s another alarming signal: you met his parents and saw that in his family yelling at each other is in the order of things. Or he is from a single-parent family, where punches were a common way of upbringing. Here you should think three times about the future - you can easily connect your life with a tyrant.
There is another common problem when the husband drinks and hits. What to do if your man likes to drink, and under the influence of alcohol appears to be decent, caring and good man becomes a hitter? There is only one way out - stop drinking. Don’t be afraid to put the question bluntly: either drink or family. Think about your future, about your children. After all, one day he may beat you so hard that nothing can be returned or changed.
But unfortunately, few people manage to take action in time and not lead their family to problems with assault. But what if you didn’t think about it in time, and the tragedy has already happened? If it hits own husband, what to do? It is necessary to record the damage and make copies of the medical examination. Don’t be shy about writing a statement to the police - how else can you fight if you’re weaker? If a man hits a woman, he should not go unpunished.
Of course, there are self-defense courses, but this path is quite dangerous. You won’t learn to defend yourself well in just a few lessons, and when you respond to a blow, you will actually accept his rules of the game. In the heat of a fight, anything can happen, especially if inappropriate objects are at hand. It can result in severe injuries and even death - you can become both a victim and a killer. In Russia, tens of thousands of people die in such domestic fights.
Psychology of the victim
In our country, unfortunately, it is not customary to sympathize with women who have fallen under domestic tyranny.
Few people even understand why a husband beats his wife. And women themselves often contribute to this attitude; their diagnosis is the psychology of the victim. They say that if she hits me, it means she is to blame and deserves it. Of course, you deserve it - since you allow yourself to be treated like that! Yes, there is a saying “if the seventh husband hits you in the face, then it’s not the husband, but the face,” but not all women are to blame for everything themselves!
What explanations can be found if a guy hits a girl? The psychology here is simple, cave-like. He thinks something like this: “If I recognize a woman as equal, then I myself will become like a woman, I will cease to be a man.” In reality, of course, the opposite is true. A real man considers it beneath his dignity to raise a hand against those who are weaker - this is the path of cowards and scoundrels.
If your husband hits you, the main thing is not to endure it! Don't be afraid to confront your husband! After all, as soon as you begin to endure, you get involved in this game, from which it is almost impossible to get out. Usually this is for life - and an unhappy life. Or maybe not for long - in a fit of anger, but under the influence of a drunken person, anything can happen.
But the worst thing is, what kind of female mistake Children can pay! Quite recently, a tragic incident occurred: a quarrel broke out between a husband and wife, which escalated into a fight. The son (a boy about 5 years old), seeing this, rushed to his mother’s defense and began to pull his father’s trouser leg. In a fit of anger, he pushed the child away. The boy hit the battery and received a non-life-threatening injury. The man was sent to prison. The woman ended up in intensive care.
But even if, thank God, everyone remains alive, the crippled children’s psyche will not allow them to live in harmony and happiness! Even if this game suits you personally, it will traumatize your child for life. He sees everything: fights, humiliation - and will repeat all that in his life. The daughter will turn into the same victim, the son - into a new tyrant. And you must break this vicious circle. Here and now. And don’t walk around with a bat and expect people to feel sorry for you.
Why do women still get involved in this game? Why do they tolerate it if their husband beats them, don’t record the beatings, and even in the hospital they say that they “just fell”? Like Yesenin: “Nothing, I tripped over a stone, everything will heal by tomorrow.” Why?
Probably, cave instincts awaken in many of us too. There are many such paradoxes in nature, opposites attract each other. A good girl needs a bad boy, a monogamous girl is attracted to a philanderer, give the “fool” a “knowledge.” We are looking for what we lack - and aggression can subconsciously attract us.
In addition, this game also has white stripes. Many people like it when a man later apologizes and repents - until the next beating. Much like Ivan the Terrible, who alternated repentance with executions. This is already such a ritual dance that even neighbors get used to it. A brawler husband sometimes looks like an alcoholic husband (especially since these roles are often combined).
IN soft version during breaks he turns into pure “gold”: gentle, caring, attentive. And then it rolls in - and away we go. Maybe the moon came close, or Saturn was in the wrong house - who knows? But the man's head turns off and the muscles come into play.
What to do if your family is on the verge of breaking up due to beatings?
- Try to persuade your husband to go to a psychologist to figure out where his legs are coming from. It is very difficult to solve the problem of assault without knowing the psychology of such behavior. If the problem stems from childhood, therapy will help you, and the marriage will be saved.
- Set your boundaries! Tell him that if he allows himself to use force against you again, you will do something that he will not like. For example, you and your child will move to live with your mother. The main thing is that your threat really frightens him, and that you are ready to carry it out. There is no need to threaten divorce if you are not really ready to say goodbye to him.
- If neither a psychologist, nor boundaries, nor persuasion, nor prayers helped, and you already understand that you did everything you could, leave without regret! There will definitely be those who will accuse you of unwisdom (as a rule, this is a mother-in-law protecting her son or the husband himself), they say, God endured and commanded us; hits, means loves; you are the one to blame; I couldn’t save my family and a lot of things like that. Don’t give in to this psychological pressure, don’t listen to anyone.
Even if now it’s not beatings with bruises, fractures and dislocations, but only “harmless” slaps and pushes into the wall, it’s better to start taking action! He will hit harder, and you will still leave! And only you can decide what kind of damage: a scratch on your cheek, broken ribs or a tombstone!
You, your safety and that of your children are paramount. This security is actually a male function! He must protect his family from all troubles. And if he not only does not protect, but creates these problems himself, it is not and cannot be your fault. Whatever the love, financial situation, turn around and leave. If he loves you, he will take measures to overcome himself, and if not, then such a man is not needed. Your love is not enough for both of you!
The State Duma has adopted a new bill on the decriminalization of domestic violence! That is, now, if your husband gives up, you will record all the damage and file a statement with the police, your husband will not face criminal liability! The state declines responsibility for the fact that 14 thousand women die every year at the hands of their spouse (and these are just official statistics)! This means that now no one except you can influence the situation with your beating husband!
