How to make peace with a guy after a big fight

Question to a psychologist

I'm 21 years old, my boyfriend is 25. I'm studying, he works. Everything in the relationship was good, but last week everything has changed. The guy became nervous, lashed out at me over trifles, and found fault with me for every reason and for no reason. The last such quarrel for no reason completely unsettled me, I burst into tears and hung up the phone. 4 days have passed since then. No call, no SMS, he is not online, in general, not a hint about himself. This has never happened in the 9 months that we have been together. We have always made concessions to each other, even if he is to blame. I called myself, he did the same...
I live far from him, and from my family and friends. And this situation just makes me depressed.
I would really like to call him, but is it worth it? What I need now is to understand whether he really needs me, whether he really loves me, and whether nothing has changed in our relationship and that he regrets that he hurt me, brought me to tears, etc.
I'm afraid to hear in response that he doesn't consider himself guilty...I'm afraid. because it will disappoint me, and I really don’t want to be disappointed in him. I don’t want to convince him that next time he will simply get away with such behavior. I want to teach some lesson. That he would be afraid of losing me, that he would think before breaking down.
I can’t even think about the fact that he stopped loving me...
how to proceed? Wait a couple more days or call yourself?
I really need an outside perspective.

Hello Yuki! Why everything has changed in your relationship with your boyfriend is unclear, but in any case, there is a reason for this. Which one - perhaps only he knows. Nothing can be decided for him. Only your behavior and feelings can be considered. You need to understand in this situation - what do you want? Do you want to teach him a lesson, do you want him to call first and apologize, do you want to call him yourself, but are you afraid that he has not repented? But you must admit that YOU think he is to blame, but he may not think so at all. Moreover, he may believe that YOU are to blame and therefore does not call. And in the same way he is waiting for a call from you. Pay attention to your words - it brought you to tears, it hurt. But you don’t know exactly what he wanted to do, he just told you something, and YOU yourself reacted that way, these are your feelings, not his. I suggest you write him an email, simply describing your own feelings, - it hurts me that you did this, I’m offended and I’m afraid that you stopped loving me. And as for teaching a lesson - not only will you teach him a lesson, but you will also be taught a lesson. Which? You need to think about this, since relationships always mutually affect the two. If you find it difficult to figure it out on your own, contact a psychologist in person. Good luck to you!

Hello, Yuki.

If you don’t see your guilt and don’t know, then you shouldn’t call the guy. If he needs you, he will let you know. If he wants to see or hear you, he will call you himself and let you know about it. Otherwise, he will consider your call as an intrusion and this will push him away from you even more. He may say nasty things to you or say things you don’t want to hear. You will feel humiliated.

Now is the time to remember your pride and your self-esteem. People usually choose partners according to themselves, i.e. equal, with equal self-esteem. If you value and respect yourself, you will be treated with respect. If you impose your company and humiliate yourself, then they will “wipe their feet” about you. Is this what you want? Are you satisfied with such a relationship?

There are situations when women put up with humiliating or unequal relations for the sake of some specific goal, for example, for the sake of wealth or for the well-being of children or something else. Some tolerate husbands who have families outside of marriage. There is a lot in life different situations, in which you have to come to terms with something humiliating in a relationship. But this is always a woman’s choice and depends on what she can put up with and what she cannot put up with. How more woman allows a man to humiliate her, the more unhappy she is in the relationship.

Before you call your boyfriend, imagine this situation in your head and play it out different variants his answers. Imagine everything possible options and get ready for what will be the most offensive for you.

For example, he may not pick up the phone or tell you that he is tired of you and does not want to see you anymore. Now imagine how you will feel after such words and what your boyfriend will think about you after your call. Feel it all well. And if after all this you want to call him, then you can do it. At the same time, you will realize that you yourself made the decision of your own free will and bear full responsibility for your well-being and for how your call can affect the development of the relationship. You act at your own risk.

Sincerely,

Personal growth is a slow thing, but I want personal relationships now, I understand that. A girl quarreled with a guy, how can she make peace? And is it worth reconciling first? The answer to the second question is definitely “yes”, but why? Because a girl who is wondering whether she should be the first to reconcile, most likely has a character, which is the main reason for the quarrel.

But the girl doesn’t just ask who should put up. She has a question in the back of her mind: “Won’t I seem like a wuss?” (see) Quite strange, by the way. In the rag model, someone must be that rag, right? It turns out, either she or he. It’s not a very happy prospect when, in an attempt to properly make peace with a guy, a girl appoints him as a doormat. Nice deal.

Do you know what it's like in an eco-friendly relationship? Watched ? The first to reconcile is the one who cooled down first. Moreover, such “early cooling” characterizes the person who can hold the steering wheel in the relationship, the Leading partner. Therefore, do not think about whether you should be the first to reconcile, but run to reconcile as fast as you can as soon as the emotions have subsided.

Okay, girls are often the smart ones in relationships and actually run to their boys first. But suddenly this (which I am sure, between you and me) is not the first time? And the guy doesn’t want to put up for a minute. That is, not only the condescending stretching out of the little finger of friendship does not help, but even wallowing on one’s feet and painfully pulling out one’s hair. The ex doesn’t want to put up, no matter what.

Because every next breakdown (after all, akin to drug addiction) cuts off everything larger piece faith. He promises a couple of times and doesn’t do it - that’s all. I have had such cases in my personal life. And I would be glad to believe it, but somehow I can’t. No matter what he says, even convincingly, it seems, but I don’t believe it. Another client asks me: “What should I write to a guy to make peace?” And I think: well, what could such-and-such or such-and-such write for me so that I would believe it? And I don't know.

So don't quarrel. Especially don't quarrel again. I know that you will still quarrel, quarrels are a thing in relationships, but. Remember that if you want to do something to make peace properly, and you’ve already fought a hundred times and then done something, then all that’s left for you in the end is the most unpleasant thing. That is, sit on your round (as I hope) butt exactly, until the boy himself gives a sign.

But maybe he won’t serve it. And then all you have to do is accept your fate, which translated means “go look for someone else.” Or endlessly cling to this one until you both become frantic. So let's repeat the correct answers.

1. Who should make peace first? - Who gets there first?

2. Should the girl be the first to reconcile? - Of course, “yes,” so that she doesn’t have to meet the boy she humiliated.

3. Will it always work? - This will work as long as indifference and sorrow from frequent repetitions do not settle in the partner’s chest. And then you have to do just the opposite, hide and keep quiet.

Ask questions in the comments. And learn Shao-parkour

NEVER!!!

When I was in adolescence, I thought that when a girl is the first to make peace with a boy, she steps over her pride, humiliates herself, etc.

Then I grew up (now I’ve passed the age “for those over 30”) and my opinion changed radically. I began to think that the one who wants to maintain peace with his loved one goes for reconciliation, and that the first step towards is not always a disadvantage, but sometimes even an advantage (after all, it is a known fact that two people are to blame for a quarrel, one was able to overcome himself and go to a meeting). So what do I get? In the face, in the face and again in the face (both literally and figuratively)?

The first big quarrel. I'm going to peace. At every opportunity, my husband remembers, “Well, you yourself wanted something there? So rock the boat!” What follows are many small quarrels, during which I explain (not always in soft form, unfortunately), that actually you shouldn’t blame me for the fact that I WANTED TO RESTORE OUR RELATIONSHIP. Relationships are such a complex thing that you can’t handle it alone....

Then another big quarrel ensues. And again I’m going to the World War (my second mistake - after the first time I might have understood). And again!!! I get the same thing. Yes, my husband, he no longer said such things directly. but it kept slipping through: “you insisted, you wanted.” Lord, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to, but why fool me, tell me right away! No, he verbally agrees, and then...

And from all this I got the feeling that the great poet was right "What smaller woman we love..." That is, the man felt that his wife had backed down - to immediately "twist" as he wanted, and at every opportunity to incriminate "you yourself wanted it, so rock the boat, but I won’t do anything" And it doesn’t depend on how long you communicated with the man - a month or 10 years.
And it doesn’t matter whether there are children or not.

I don’t see the difference between the behavior of my husband (with whom I have lived for more than a year or two, and with whom we have a child), who simply revels in the fact that I went to the world first, and the boy with whom I kissed in the entrance to 10th grade.

And in response to my last attempts at reconciliation, he simply beat me up. I agree that I didn’t choose the best way and time (I tried to hug and kiss him), but I didn’t expect a fist in the face... I freaked out in response and slapped him in the face, and he hit me back - again with a fist in the face. Such precedents have already happened before. And sometimes, when I talk to my husband, I squint in fear and shudder.

And now I have sworn that I will never be the first to go to peace. It doesn’t matter if it’s your fault or not, they’ll still blame you. And for being the first to reconcile, they will also blame you.

Every quarrel brings with it negative emotions, physical stress, deep emotional experiences, and most importantly, the release of adrenaline in the blood. Some people just need this chemical reaction for various reasons, and sometimes you wonder if the reason for the quarrel is really a misunderstanding, maybe someone needed to let off steam, and you got caught in the wrong.

A protracted conflict, as a rule, can radically change a person’s attitude towards life and towards other people; any unresolved quarrel, with or without reason, often causes blues, depression, and even the appearance of certain diseases, allergies, and disorders.

Sometimes, a quarrel occurs passively. No one seemed to be arguing, but over time, actions towards each other cause feelings of hostility, disgust, or even rage. Such quarrels are even more destructive and gnaw endlessly from within both representatives of this process, because emotions are no longer built on a specific case, but on guesses and illusions within each. Such relationships can anger and worry for years.

Why do you need to put up?

It’s better to first really understand whether you really need to put up with such a person? And most importantly, why? We are now talking about relationships with different people in your life, not just husbands and wives.

Relationships and the dynamics of quarrels in a couple are always considered individually, because each recurring quarrel, as a rule, has the same subtext, and they still have to live together.

What about your girlfriend or work colleagues? Here it is important to understand the concept of the very reason for the quarrel; if it is the result of an insult, say, a colleague passed off your project as his own and received undeserved praise, there is something to think about. Resentment is caused by a sense of injustice and phrases such as “how could you?”

Clarification of relations in in this case not constructive, it’s worth reflecting on how this happened in the first place and looking inside yourself. Find ways to protect your rights and works, and only then start a dialogue with management.

The same is true when sorting out relationships with neighbors. Call the district police officer - a signal has been received, they are obliged to respond, do not create a scandal yourself, especially since all your requests before were “my child is sleeping, make it quieter, I beg you!” - there was no response. It’s also not worth running and knocking on their door with threats of “I’ll call the police now!” Has the clock hand passed 10 pm? Silently we pick up the phone and call. The law is the same for everyone, so let the professionals handle it, it shouldn’t be just your problem.

It is clear that in our country it does not always work if you live next door to the grandchildren of an oligarch, but I think the moral here is not to get involved in useless squabbles. We need to look for a practical and effective way out of the situation.

Of course, the biggest question for a woman is how to make peace with her loved one? The scandal was simply enormous, words were said and retold, and maybe it even came to assault, but I can’t live without him. Another good question The thing to ask yourself is “why?”

After any quarrel you need a pause, be it a couple of hours or a couple of days, at this time it’s worth looking inside yourself and understanding why “you can’t live” and why “you’re always the first to make peace”? And you, most likely, are the first to make peace.

Whoever came out first to make peace is a hero!

Now, most readers may experience a wave of indignation...

Let's just say, regardless of who is right and who is wrong, pride is the lot of women, so if a woman makes some hint that she cares and is not averse to trying to continue the relationship, a man should think about how act further (corny, flowers, notes, balloons, SMS with declarations of love).

A man who responds with silence, walks around the apartment with a frown, or defiantly slams doors is still a child. From such people there is corresponding demand. You should want to cuddle up to a man, be gentle, look into his eyes and drown, hug, caress, and sometimes whine, a woman can still be capricious.

A woman’s task is to correctly show her openness and not to sort things out “healthy again!” from the threshold, and the man’s task is to respond accordingly.

All it takes for a man to appear on the doorstep with a smile is not such a heroic feat, but a miraculous one.

Reconciliation between lovers after a quarrel is a tango of two hearts. After a pause, such passionate walking along one line, but without direct confrontations - she becomes capricious, he holds and hugs, the main thing is foot to foot.

If he is capricious, and she runs after him all the time, this is no longer a tango, and little like love.

Is this old-fashioned?! Yes! But there is a reason why it has been done this way since time immemorial. It is this strange ritual in conflicts that leaves a man-man in the eyes of a woman, and woman-woman in the eyes of a man. If a woman steps over her pride and runs after a man, she loses her integrity as a woman, this feeling of need, importance for this man, she loses this magic in her own eyes. A woman begging for love will not be happy, and this is exactly what she will feel if she has to be an adult in all the quarrels. If a man cannot find privacy and is being pursued by an obsessive lover, he will simply stop feeling any attraction to her and will want to get rid of her as quickly as possible.

Well, if the man doesn’t appear, then let’s go back to point one - why?

When it comes to two women- this is somewhat more complicated. There is a theory that women in general are rarely truly friends, they tend to keep their rivals at a short distance, but this is something from a series of questionnaires in Cosmopolitan magazine.

In reality, women are not always rivals; they can have a common cause or goal, common interests and hobbies. The older, more experienced and more independent than women, the less their common interests are related to men. In such relationships, quarrels happen because of envy or jealousy, sometimes because of a feeling of healthy selfishness or resentment at inattention, lack of empathy, like “you know how important this was to me and he told you what happened, why didn’t you call me?” ?. That is, some expectations are not met and mutual reproaches begin, as in kindergarten; “and here you are - and here you are.”

The scheme is the same, we ask the question - why? But for friends, it is also very important to try to take her place and understand how she herself would act in such a situation. What does this friend mean to you and is your quarrel worth such a relationship? We take a bottle of wine and surprise us with the ringing of the doorbell, and then we will complain to each other and discuss it, and apologize. Important point in a relationship with a friend it’s “I understand you!” Unlike relationships with men, we don’t think for a long time; the longer the pause between hugs, the more mistrust creeps in. And it creeps in, no matter what, women are vindictive.

Let's leave everything as it is, but we'll be even

Karma is a bitch!

Let's, for a moment, now discard all this drool about kindness and self-respect, about understanding and sincerity, about which so much is written in magazine articles and on the Internet, and look at reality.

Conventionally, it looks like this – smiling, we say something like:

“I have forgiven you everything, we have nothing more to share, go with God and be happy!”

But inside, in fact, something like :

I’m great, I’m crazy, what a right person, I’m “above all this” and now you’ll suffer the torments of hell and conscience, if you have one lying around at all, because you’re an emotional and intellectual freak of the entire human race, and I’ll calm down only then, when you get hit so hard by a boomerang that you come crawling to me on your knees to tell me how wrong you were and beg for forgiveness!

Now, if the reaction is exactly like this, it means that the emotions are really strong, and the connection is deep, and you must first of all make peace with yourself!

This is more than just a quarrel, when all areas of your life are seriously affected, and the moral component is completely absent. This is a psychological trauma that cannot be tolerated.

“Maybe it’s a brother who snatched away your parent’s inheritance, and he set you up, and now you’re serving someone else’s sentence in prison.”

– Maybe it’s the groom who didn’t come to your wedding without explanation, leaving you alone in the registry office with numerous respected guests.

- What if it was your mother who left you at home, went to the store and returned only three days later, when you were seven years old?

You have to put up with yourself no matter what, because it won’t go away and will haunt you forever until you sit down and talk through all the reproaches, insults and reproaches down to every little thing from the past. Moreover, if you are still communicating, your general line of behavior and attitude towards each other should change radically, because talking is not enough, actions are needed here.

If all attempts to try on have been rejected, be prepared for the fact that the relationship no longer exists, because it is not mutual. You will have to get rid of this hostility and resentment yourself, otherwise it will devour you from within, so It's worth thinking about some things from a different perspective.

For example:

1. Karma does not exist, just like a boomerang.

Every day, militants and mercenaries kill hundreds of innocent adults and children, and many of them die their own deaths, and not even in agony, and not writhing in pain, but in the circle of family and their children, and sometimes even in their sleep. Where's the justice?

People feel calmer when they think that someone will take revenge for them, and they won’t have to get their hands dirty. And all life will pass in tracking and awaiting retribution. There will be no retribution, they stepped on you because you lay down under your feet out of the kindness of your heart, they will willingly forget you and will continue to live happily, so you too, forget all this as horrible dream and enjoy life.

2. But in order to forgive, forget and rejoice, retribution is needed.

Even psychologists treat the pain of cheating on swingers with parties (when I cheat on you in the same way before your eyes, then you will understand what it is). It is believed that it is precisely this tactic that gives real liberation and couples can then live in peace, starting, as it were, from scratch.

It’s just not clear how long this will continue in a tit-for-tat situation? And who needs it? There is no such thing as “starting over,” because your beginning was when you were born. A person who has been betrayed in some way will never forget this. He will carry this knife inside and occasionally turn it on himself, reminding himself and the offender of his suffering. Many couples live like this and suffer for years, but as a result they still separate. You can only start over with a new person or if you are a Dory fish with amnesia.

A person must work through problems of this kind internally, somehow understand something for himself and find peace in the fact that the fact has already happened, and life goes on. Solving your problems by humiliating or blaming others is a two-fold and ineffective method. Some people turn to spiritual practices, others to psychologists, and in general, it doesn’t matter what helps you survive this period, the main thing is to change yourself and not blame everything on someone else’s head.

3. We change ourselves

Revenge is most likely the strong point of women, and usually it is something very nasty, immediately urgent, and most likely illogical, and, as a rule, driven by emotions rather than reason. Something like spitting in soup, puncturing the tires of a car, or trolling a rival on the internet. Observing from the outside, it even seems funny, but we ourselves don’t notice this at all.

Men knock out such emotions with a “wedge”, sometimes not even completely consciously. In a situation with female infidelity or during a quarrel - he went and slept with a friend or neighbor, and told everyone, so that for sure there was no turning back, but he himself suffers. And nothing good, because she didn’t really give in to him, this neighbor really. Here you have another unresolved conflict for many years.

The best thing is to turn the situation around in your own eyes.

It's not you who lost loved one, because the close one was not so close, because we were taught that a loving, dear and close person would not have acted like that.

So what is it they lost close and loved one, and everyone feels sorry for them, because they no longer have you and they will have to deal with their guilt complexes in the struggle for happiness themselves. Without you! Don’t talk, don’t discuss, and sometimes that’s exactly what you need!

In short, feel free to shift responsibility for their actions to them, take responsibility for your own and move on with ease.

Now let's return to the question - why?

Remember and remember quarrels with loved ones people don’t need it, at all... at all. If you quarreled, but woke up together, pretend that nothing happened. The problem may come up again, but it will most likely seem of little relevance and you can calmly discuss it.

About permitted quarrels with friends, colleagues or neighbors are best remembered with humor. “Oh, I can’t, Valka, do you remember how those sleds on the wall infuriated me in the corridor, my cheekbones really hurt, and why did I get to the bottom of them?!!ha-ha-ha! And then Grandfather Kolya broke this sled from the fifth floor when he drunkenly decided to slide down the stairs on it! »

ABOUT quarrels with terrible people, or an episode from a childhood trauma is worth remembering - it should make you happy rather than sadden. The anger and pain of loss will dull, but will serve as an excellent life experience and lesson for the future.

So why put up with such people because of conventions, just because you are of the same blood? Should you put up with people who are not looking for any kind of relationship with you?

What if visible reasons for a long time already No, but there remains bitterness or a residue that maybe you parted somehow inappropriately, or there are still unsaid things, but the person is very wonderful and you miss him madly. Then why guess? Take a phone and dial a number (Facetime, Skype, Viber), your voice from a wonderful distance will most likely delight and surprise, much more than an SMS or a letter, and then - as it goes, there may be no conflict at all, and you will never know about it .

There is no “right” or “wrong” when it comes to behavior in quarrels and conflicts. It's all about your internal boundaries and what is acceptable and what is not in actions for your mutual reconciliation. The main thing is not to quarrel over trifles, resolve serious conflicts with a healthy sense of selfishness, then personal problems will bypass you.