Unhappy Together: Five Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship. Psychology

1. Your partner constantly competes with you

For inexplicable reasons, your companion constantly compares himself to you and wants to show that he is better and cooler in everything. Often such a demonstration takes place in public, and every word you say becomes the basis for a heated argument. Your partner uses every opportunity to assert himself at your expense and devalue your achievements.

In a healthy relationship, both partners improve themselves and develop harmoniously. In an unhealthy relationship, you are perceived as a rival who must be defeated in any way in order to get the palm.

2. You feel like all your energy has been sucked out of you.

Relationships affect our health and well-being. If you start sleeping less, have lost or gained weight, and constantly feel like a squeezed lemon, perhaps there is a problem near you.

Such people feed off the energy of other people and rejoice every time they take away the strength of others. In such a relationship, you physically lack the resources, strength and desire to do something. You are overcome by apathy, and your own inadequacy and depression come to the fore.

3. You are always guilty of all mortal sins

In an unhealthy relationship, the partner does not see the cause of problems and failures in his actions and always tends to shift the blame to others, especially to you. You find yourself to blame for everything, including his mistakes and things beyond your control.

Your only task is to take the blow and not enrage your partner, preventing his frequent outbursts of anger. Sometimes you want to get away from it and be away from your date.

4. They constantly want to change and improve you

Don't forget that mature and strong relationships based on accepting the partner as he is. In an unhealthy relationship, you are compared to others, while you are openly told or politely hinted that you would like to change something about yourself to become a better person.

Perhaps you should lose weight or gain weight, cut off or grow your hair, change your image, or throw away half your wardrobe. You are always missing something to make your partner completely satisfied with you.

5. Your partner only talks about himself

Your companion is not able to sympathize and empathize with others. Such people have problems with empathy. The partner is not able to put himself in the place of another person, and he does not set such a task for himself, because he considers himself the center of the Universe. Does he constantly talk about himself? It seems like you have a model narcissist nearby.

Narcissists are so carried away and absorbed in themselves that they do not even notice what is happening around them. As a rule, such people talk a lot about themselves and often interrupt others, do not ask any questions and, in principle, do not know how to listen. The needs, desires and feelings of such a person always turn out to be more important than yours, since in their picture of the world everything should revolve around their person.

6. Everything you do is criticized.

Everything you do or say is a priori bad. No matter how hard you try, your companion will always find a reason to find fault and criticize you and your thoughts. The cooked omelette will be too salty and the dress will be too short.

You will always be wrong. There is no point in making excuses or proving the opposite - there will still be new reasons for dissatisfaction. No evidence or arguments will help - such a person hears only himself.

7. Your partner controls all your actions

Your companion is literally obsessed with the desire to subjugate your entire life. He definitely needs to know where and with whom you are, what you are eating and what you are wearing now. Even if you are meeting with pregnant friends, they will definitely call you and offer to pick you up early.

Sometimes such control can be mistaken for care, but in reality your partner felt like the master of your life. People who are in healthy and harmonious relationships, understand that having your own life and hobbies outside of the relationship is normal and even useful for a couple.

8. You are jealous of everyone and everything

Sometimes jealousy is a pleasant feeling. We are all a little flattered that someone else likes us, but they are jealous of us (which means they love us). But the main thing in everything is moderation. Some people turn into real tyrants, trying to completely subjugate their other half and perceive them as property. Sometimes it comes to public humiliation with a showdown.

Your partner doesn’t trust you, reads all your messages and starts scandals over harmless conversations on Facebook. Jealous people see betrayal in everything and can easily drive people into hysterics with their questions. Stupid, terrorizing jealousy inevitably destroys your self-esteem, and you begin to fear your partner's anger.

9. Your partner is constantly offended

Your life is not without drama, and all your actions offend your partner to tears: he sulks, leaves, clearly shows how badly you did, and demonstrates how much you hurt his feelings. After this, you feel like a bad person, a cruel monster, and your companion enjoys the scandal.

Any attempt to talk ends in further resentment and accusations of misunderstanding and lack of emotional intelligence. It is possible that your partner is deliberately using such tactics to manipulate your feelings of guilt.

10. Your partner hasn’t learned to speak your love language.

People often misunderstand their partner's needs. At first there is nothing wrong with this: you can make up for everything if you want. You can and should learn. Problems arise if for a long time your partner has not understood what you like and what you really need in love, not him.

Psychologists identify five love languages: words of encouragement, time, gifts, help, touch. We all need different things from each other. It is important to understand what love language your partner speaks. Let's imagine that your language of love - time. It’s sad if your partner doesn’t understand this and tries to atone for his absence in your life with gifts.

11. Your biorhythms are too different

You never managed to find mutual language and agree on the best time to go to bed and what time to get up. Your partner lives while you sleep, and vice versa. As a result, you get upset and worried when your companion played computer games all night, but slept through your only day off.

In a healthy relationship, you can find balance and change habits so that both feel comfortable. In an unhealthy relationship, this becomes a cause for mutual frustration.

12. You stopped having sex

It's hard to argue with human nature: physical intimacy and regular sex life- a necessary attribute of healthy and strong relationships.

If in your relationship and tactile contact reduced to a minimum, this indicates serious problems in the life of the couple.

What to do if you see these signs in your relationship

At the very least, this is a reason to think and sound the alarm. Recognizing a problem is the first step to solving it. If you want your partner to behave differently, have a heart-to-heart talk with him and voice the problem. Communication is essential to resolve conflicts in relationships.

Remember that changing people not on their initiative is a pointless exercise. If a person himself wants to change and find a way out of the situation together, this relationship still has a chance. IN otherwise It’s better to give yourself time to recover.

In our country, many people by the phrase “true love” understand the so-called “beautiful” love between a man and a woman: courtship during the candy-bouquet period, dates full of romance and walks under the moon, gifts to the other half and new impressions from the relationship. It is believed that all of the above is a guarantee of happiness in the family until the end of days. Everything changes, you just have to look at the divorce statistics. The period of dreams and walks under the moon gives way to ordinary days. The first ones appear family quarrels, spouses begin to notice shortcomings in their partner, and it’s as if the passion never existed. What's going on? It is precisely at such moments, when blind passion goes away, that much more should remain. strong feeling- Love. Many people are unfamiliar and incomprehensible with this feeling, when all that the heart requires is for the beloved to feel good. So what is love? Does it exist between a man and a woman?

Love is…?

Each person understands this word in his own way. It is difficult to describe what love is. You can talk about it a lot and for a long time. There can be many manifestations of this feeling, and therefore it is characteristic of everyone. For example, love between a man and a woman , to the Fatherland, to God, to occupation, to life and peace. This is one of the most beautiful feelings on Earth, but at times it can lead to negative consequences. Everything, of course, depends only on how you experience it.

Many philosophers have tried to describe love, but the explanation of this phenomenon still remains difficult. The feeling appears suddenly when you don't expect it. It begins as if from a small coal and over time, especially if the love is mutual, flares up into a real fire. It is impossible to plan, warn, program or fake falling in love. It can only be felt with all your heart.

The love between a man and a woman is incredibly strong. At the same time, an attitude towards a partner develops in which your half becomes much more important than you, and the whole world as a whole. It’s not just emotions that change, the very perception of the surrounding reality changes. Through love, people learn a lot of new things and realize life in different colors.

Stage 1 - sympathy

There are several types of love, and the most “harmless” of them is sympathy. We show sympathy to people for whom we feel love and whom we like.

Stage 2 - tender love

The next stage after sympathy is falling in love. This is a much stronger kind of love. Relationships between a man and a woman often begin after mutual love. This type most often and most clearly manifests itself between teenagers, and it can occur both to people of the same age and to older people, for example, to popular actors, artists, performers, teachers, etc. Often, love moves to the next stage - into strong Love.

It happens that falling in love, especially if it manifests itself towards an older person or younger age(for example, for an artist, that is, such love is “out of reach”), ends sadly. It takes over all thoughts, does not allow you to make informed decisions and draw clear conclusions, it develops incredibly quickly, suppressing the voice of reason. Falling in love is a feeling when thinking about one specific person does not allow you to live in peace; a person’s brain is always busy only with reflecting on good memories of his/her fiancée and idealizing him/her. At such moments, a person loses all meaning in life without a loved one. Against the background of such sensations, poems, songs are created, books are written and absolutely unthinkable acts are committed.

At an older age, falling in love quickly develops into passion under the influence of hormones and various situations: strong experiences, a holiday romance or any events that coincided with secret fantasies.

Stage 3 - violent passion

The most important stage of love between a man and a woman is passion. Quite often, in such relationships, selfless love fades into the background. And sex between a man and a woman becomes the main driving force. This is a very deep feeling beyond any control. This is a game that flares up more and more until routine, boredom and ordinariness appear. Such relationships are based solely on the sexual attractiveness of the partner, insane attraction and the delivery of physical pleasure. There are often cases when such passion becomes painful for one of the partners and develops into an incredibly difficult phenomenon - mania.

For ordinary people, passion is a temporary stage of love. If you look at the statistics, they will show that this feeling lasts on average from 5 months to 3 years. If you have ever heard the expression “love lasts three years,” then this statement refers precisely to the opinion of the scientific community that by the third year of a relationship, less and less hormones are released in the brain, and, accordingly, feelings subside. However, such a phenomenon in itself is a fire, a hunger that cannot be satisfied by anything, delight and lust.

Stage 4 - romantic love

A wonderful stage of a relationship - romantic love when the foundation is laid Great love. This is the stage when people enjoy their feelings and emotions from each other. Typically, it is with this development of relationships that reproductive function is ensured. Now everyday life will prevail over the feeling of romance and passion. It is at this moment that most “rose-colored” glasses break, and partners begin to notice shortcomings. However, there are couples in which the above elements of the relationship accompany their family throughout their lives. We can conclude that romantic love is the final stage before tender love in family.

Stage 5 - “true” love

Family love is a feeling that develops between people who want to always be together. This absolutely normal love between a man and a woman exists when they become one and are ready to accept all the joys and sorrows of their partner. After all, to truly love means accepting a person completely and living his life.

Signs of a “true” feeling

When two people truly feel love for each other, they will overcome all obstacles and difficulties just to be together. Their relationship is accompanied by constant struggle for your feelings, despite neither gossip nor other people's speculations. Love settles where understanding and mutual support reign.

A real feeling cannot but be mutual. Feelings such as lust, sexual attraction, passion are just a desire to completely possess someone, dictated by one’s own egoism.

In any circumstances indeed close person will always be there to support and say comforting words. He will cover your back in the most difficult moments in life. No matter how difficult and difficult it is, you can always find mental strength to help the person you love.

A woman who is in search true love, will never waste time on a “one-day” relationship with a person in whom she is not sure. She does not need to prove anything with her relationship either to her relatives, or to her acquaintances, or to anyone else.

We become better, prettier and more attractive next to our lover. But you cannot sacrifice anything or do anything that is at odds with your personal interests. Of course, no one will argue that building a family is hard work, but it should not become a burden.

How to show love?

There are literary sources about the “language of love” that claim that all people imagine its manifestations in completely different ways. Some people like tactile touch. Specific part people try to spend a little more time together, and there are those for whom gifts are a mandatory sign of attention.

Additionally, both genders interpret love differently. First, men and women have different ideas about love itself. Secondly, ideas about the manifestations of this feeling in relationships also differ. Very often these differences become an insurmountable barrier in relationships.

Every person strives for this sublime feeling and craves it. For men, love is absolute unity, complementation of each other, an obligatory part of which is respect and trust. It is impossible to show love to a person whom you do not trust and whom you simply do not respect. Those who have a more “masculine” type of thinking (the vast majority of men) expect trust and respect from love. Those who are “feminine” types (the predominant part of women) also crave both respect and trust, but their expectations are inextricably associated with actions that are aimed at demonstrating these feelings.

Men also like to be hugged, but rather moderately. At the same time, girls expect that expressions of feelings towards them will be regular and unrestricted. A lady who presents a bouquet of flowers to a representative of the stronger half of humanity will never achieve the same effect (after all, men have a completely different perception of love and gratitude) as a man giving flowers to a woman. You should not express a noble feeling the way you like it. Show it in a way that pleases your partner.

The director of the Vladimir dating agency “Me and You” spoke in more detail about them, family psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relationships Elena Kuznetsova.

1. Hysteria as emotional blackmail

Hysteria is the most effective way quickly achieve what is needed, therefore, if in childhood parents did not stop the “performances” of their children, then boys and girls “took” this “weapon” and adult life. It is used if it is not possible to get anything from your other half. In some couples, of which, by the way, there are not so few, it is the norm when she cries, “faints” or threatens to swallow pills - just to force the man to do what she wants. Manipulation is very effective: rather than admiring such “concerts,” it is easier for a partner to follow the lead and do what is asked of him.

If a man and a woman are satisfied with this, then there is no point in breaking it. But if constant emotional blackmail is exhausting, then the only way to deal with it is not to react to the hysterics of your other “half”.

“Ideally, of course, we need to talk. But if your partner doesn’t hear you and is hysterical, don’t react. Calmly state: “When your hysteria is over, then we’ll talk.” You can even go to another room. Your partner who behaves like crybaby, will understand that the hysteria was ineffective, and you need to come up with another way to achieve the goal. While he comes up with ideas, you will have a lull. At this moment you need to tell your partner: “If you want something, let’s talk calmly. If you can’t calmly, I don’t intend to listen to you,” advises Kuznetsova.

2. Who will remember more than the other?

Endless mutual exchanges and pointing out shortcomings do not lead to anything good, but many couples exist in exactly this mode. A man and a woman are constantly waiting for one of them to screw up in order to “stick their nose” and, thus, rise in their own eyes. At some point, there may even be a competition to see who can find more flaws in their partner.

Mutual reproaches of normal people tire, and if one of the partners does not want to live like this, it is necessary to break this form of communication as soon as possible. To do this, the psychologist advises simply not to react to reproaches and... Or simply state: “Everyone thinks to the extent of his depravity,” or: “If you are in a bad mood, then be alone. And when you’re in a good mood, come and talk.”

“Don’t engage in controversy, isolate yourself. And when the moment of respite comes, then calmly, clearly, in the tone of a kind teacher, explain to your “careless student” what he is wrong about. This is the only way the interlocutor will be able to hear you,” summed up the interpersonal relationship consultant.

3. Hints

Also abnormal. You need to learn to directly express your request to your partner and openly discuss problems. Otherwise, hints can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.

4. Accusations of bad mood and negative emotions

The situation when one of the partners and emotions is so commonplace that many do not even notice it. Meanwhile, a relationship cannot be called normal if they tell you almost every day: “Because of your stupid jokes, I’m upset,” or: “It’s your fault that I overslept today, and the whole day went awry,” or: “You made me angry because I didn’t take out the trash,” etc.

Constantly blaming another for one's own negative emotions often instills in him. And as a result, in order not to upset the “other half” once again, the “accused party” begins to live with a constant eye on the partner, the whole existence now revolves around the mood of the other person. It is not right.

“If this style of communication runs like a red thread through the relationship, then you are definitely unlucky with your partner. It will not be possible to change it, and in order to live with it, you will always have to dance to its tune. Either - . But this “works” only in the initial stages of a relationship. Then it's useless. This is a conflict,” Kuznetsova warns.

5. Excessive jealousy

Total control on the part of one of the partners is a pathology. There are, of course, couples where the “controlled” person likes a similar situation: “that means he loves me, that means he’s holding on to me.” But in general, checking calls, SMS messages, mail and Internet correspondence is not the norm.

Jealousy in a couple, of course, should exist - as an indicator that - but it should be very dosed. Claims are best expressed in a humorous manner. If, for example, a woman was jealous of her man and openly told him: “Why the hell are you looking at Klavka, why am I worse than her?!”, then she will not look very smart, and besides, she will humiliate herself in her own eyes and in the eyes of her partner .

You need to act more subtly. There are two ways. The first - having noticed your chosen one’s interest in another, you state a fact, and carefully: “ Good girl Klavka, but she’s a little fat,” or: “She seems to be a good girl, but somehow she’s unlucky. Everyone shies away from her, and.” The method may be harsh, but you will definitely turn your man away from Klavka, because “males” have a highly developed sense of herding.

The second way is to turn the situation into a joke: “Well, why are you looking around when such a woman is next to you. Look, they’ll take you away right from under your nose.”

“In both cases. And not just show, but verbally indicate. Unfortunately, it is normal that our men get used to what is next to them. And on occasion, if there is a reason, it’s worth reminding your loved one how lucky he is to have you. Emphasize that everything can change,” the psychologist advises.

You can do it yourself a little too. But this needs to be done subtly. You shouldn’t tell your partner about how men devour you with their eyes on the street. It’s better like this: “This Vaska is staring at me like that. He knows that I’m your wife.” Or: “Can’t he see that I’m with you?!” Thus, on the one hand, you focus on the fact that other men are interested in you, on the other hand, you do not belittle your partner and show that he is dear to you.

6. Gifts after a quarrel

A fairly well-known joke is when a man comes to a flower shop and asks the saleswoman to make a bouquet of 500 roses. She sighs: “Lord! What have you done?!”

Quite often, representatives of the powerful after a scandal, wanting to make amends,... From the outside, this gesture looks great, and it seems there is nothing wrong with compensating for the moral damage caused to your loved one with a small gift. On the other hand, everything is not so simple. Firstly, gifts do not solve problems in relationships, and if the situation after a quarrel is not clarified, but is “hushed up” with gifts, then the same conflicts will be repeated again and again. Secondly, with constant “post-scandal presents” you are simply corrupting your “other half”. Pretty soon the lady will deliberately spoil the relationship with her partner in order to receive a reward from him after reconciliation. If you have already noticed that the young lady is , immediately stop the situation.

Helpful information

“If your woman is hysterical out of fatigue and resentment, you will, if you buy flowers, or a cake, or something that your beloved has long wanted as a sign of reconciliation. But this should be a one-time event!” Kuznetsova warns. He emphasizes that conflicts need to be resolved through open dialogue, so you need to talk to your partner.

If you want to suggest your topics regarding interpersonal relationships, write to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected] .

47 symptoms not healthy relationships between a man and a woman Although Leo Tolstoy said that each unhappy family unhappy in her own way, psychologists were able to identify the main signs of unhealthy intersexual relationships. If you can detect even just a few of the symptoms listed below in your relationship with your partner, this means that your relationship is not very healthy and that things could get much worse in the very near future. By tracking the presence of these signs in your family, you can understand why a woman does not want a man, although she seems to assure him that she loves him. Or why he always runs to his mother to complain about his wife. 1. You never seek emotional support from your partner. You turn to him for help only if others have already refused. 2. Your partner is actively trying to cut you off from your social circle of friends and family. 3. He often points out your low points. intellectual abilities, does not want to explain anything, citing the refusal by the fact that you probably will not understand him. 4.Your answer “no” usually falls on deaf ears. 5. Your partner openly states that he appreciates you for one thing, for example, for the beauty of your body and a tight wallet. 6. You can't remember anything good that you learned from your partner, or that you taught him. 7. You can identify the negative experiences that you adopted from your partner, for example, starting to smoke. 8. Your partner likes to make fun of your body and point out excess weight, bad hair, flabby muscles. 9. You don’t perceive your relationship as stable: it always feels like it’s hanging by a thread. 10. You often quarrel in the presence of children, relatives, and acquaintances, and then you are ashamed of it. 11. You cannot complain to your partner about feelings of anxiety, fear, or phobias. He will ridicule them, but will not support you. If he's driving too fast, you're scared and you tell him so, he doesn't slow down. 12. Your partner forces you to sign some official papers that you do not understand, and he does not explain anything to you. 13. You feel that your self-esteem has dropped since you met him. 14. If you need to talk to him about something, but he doesn’t want to, you cannot force him to do it by any force. 15. Your partner loves to make fun of you: he imitates you, makes stupid jokes about you. 16. He doesn't care about your success in anything. 17. He likes to tease you with descriptions of his future. happy life, in which you are not. 18. As soon as he leaves home, he immediately forgets about you in principle - out of sight, out of mind. 19. If you don’t agree with him on something, he says that you need to do it his way, otherwise he will leave. 20. You are not sure that your partner will stay with you and support you if you or someone in your family gets sick with a terrible disease. 21. You often blame your partner for the fact that your life has not worked out, you have not achieved what you once dreamed of. 22. Your partner believes that all your interests and activities should benefit both of you. He categorically does not like that you are passionate about something else that attracts only you, but does not have any common benefit. 23. If you don’t have children together, then you don’t want to have them with him. And you don't view your partner as a good parent. 24. After a working day, you often want to go somewhere to a cafe, even alone, just to avoid going home. 25. Your financial life together is out of control for both of you: you spend more than you can afford. 26. You can’t imagine how you and your partner could play well on the same team. 27. Your partner has already become a source of negative surprises for you, such as large unexpected expenses of your shared finances. 28. You have already caught him in a lie more than once. 29. Your partner may come home too late or not come at all and not give any reasonable explanation. 30. During a quarrel, he raises his hand against you (this also applies to women). 31. You perceive your relationship as a trap that you have fallen into and cannot get out of. 32. When you argue, both of you always defend only your point of view, never agreeing that your opponent is at least somewhat right. You both will also never admit your guilt at the moment conflict situation, even if deep down you know perfectly well that you are to blame. 33. Your partner often finds fault with you over little things. 34. Your partner often speaks negatively about you to their loved ones. 35. You have more than once been forced to lie about something to other people, shielding your partner for his unseemly actions, for example, breaking agreements. 36. You feel lonely even when you're together. 37. If you had to rate the warmth and reliability of your partner on a scale from 1 to 10, you would give him no more than 5. 38. You cannot remember when you made concessions and compromises to each other. 39. You very rarely maintain tactile contact with each other. Rarely kiss, hug, touch each other. 40. You don't want sex with him. 41. Your partner believes that he is much more valuable than you, and that you should be in seventh heaven that you got him so wonderful. 42. Your partner is always emotionally distant from you. 43. He likes to compare you with other people, and these comparisons are always not in your favor. 44. He often gives you ultimatums. 45. Have you noticed that he cheats? 46. ​​When you fight, you often accuse each other of being crazy. 47. There is violence in your family. If he doesn't hit you, he probably hits your children.