When Victor Ediger answers questions during group analytical conversations, you immediately pay attention to his ability to quickly diagnose a person’s underlying problem. Sometimes it is clear on the basis of what words of the interlocutor the psychologist made this or that conclusion. Sometimes it’s a mystery, but the conclusion later turns out to be correct. One day, seeing that I couldn’t follow his logical chain, Victor remarked: “Analysis cannot be based only on logic; intuition comes into play here”. This combination of analytical and intuition helping each other is probably a sign of any a good psychologist. Victor just has them in some happy proportions.
However, this brilliance would not have, in my opinion, of particular value if behind it there was not another quality of the psychologist, which is felt most of all not at the diagnostic stage, but at the stage when Ediger gives a task to the person who turned to him. This quality is respect. Respect, the degree and level of which is not immediately revealed. For Victor, his interlocutor is not a creature distorted by a problem that needs to be cleared of like a scab, but a unique creature, very necessary for something in this world. The problem, when viewed in this way, turns out to be useful for the development of a person, precious for unlocking his potential. Victor suggests how to handle this gift so as not to walk around with it, unopened and aggravating, in a vicious circle. And he often gives a difficult, but always feasible task.
To be able to occupy such a metaposition, to contemplate the outlines spiritual path human, the psychoanalyst must periodically feel in himself at least a piece of the deity, who, as is known, knows all paths. I think the divine is in everyone, but not everyone is able to turn to this part of their personality at the right time. Victor is one of those people who can do this.
- You once said that non-reciprocal love can not be. Why? After all, everyone from life experience can give an example of an unrequited feeling. What did you mean?
“I researched this issue deeply at one time. Interest in a person is always mutual, it’s just that not everyone can afford to reciprocate - for various reasons: some are held back by obligations, some by prejudice, some are afraid to take responsibility for the consequences of the relationship, and some are encapsulated in such a way that that he cannot even admit to himself that he feels the same way. In the latter case, you just have to dig a little deeper - and this feeling is revealed.
Let’s say, a man leaves a woman, confused by some of the attitudes of the society around him (for example, because she has gained weight and does not meet model standards), but in reality it turns out that the relationship is not exhausted, and he needs this woman. After all, it is with her next to him that some important sides of him are revealed. Love is always mutual, it’s just that people’s paths to each other are different, and not always equally clear and open.
- If one person loves another, someone who seems indifferent to him, or is already in some kind of relationship, then you need to admit this feeling?
- Certainly. You can't know what's going on inside someone you like so much. Let him know about your sympathy, and then we’ll see. Give him a choice.
“I once loved an unfree man and didn’t dare admit it to him, because he adored his wife, and this relationship seemed so sacred to me that my feeling seemed treacherous to me.” I disappeared from this man’s field of vision for a long time, everything burned out in me. And then I found out that a year after the idyllic family life they broke up. And I thought that God knows what this man would do in a year if he knew about what I was experiencing. Moreover, he clearly liked me. Is this an appropriate illustration of what you are talking about?
- Yes, it is quite.
— I remember your argument about the speculative concept of “loyalty.” You said: “If a person loves a partner and wants to be with him, then what does fidelity have to do with it? And if a person passionately wants someone outside the current relationship, but does not allow himself to take a step “to the left,” then what is beautiful in the fact that people called fidelity? Who would want such a “faithful” partner? My question is about betrayal. What is betrayal in a relationship from your point of view?
— The concept of “betrayal” exists only in interdependent (even if they are still mutually beneficial) relationships of unfree people. Not free to take responsibility and make their own choices. In this case, people call a person’s actions that do not meet the expectations of his partner as betrayal.
In mature relationships, a change in behavior, even without warning, is perceived as a subject for dialogue, finding out the reason (if there is a need or interest) and making a decision on further relationships. And in an interdependent relationship between a man and a woman, it is considered a betrayal to end the expected monopoly on access to the partner's genitals.
— How do you understand development in a couple?
— Development, if you look at it, is always individual. A person’s task is to reveal some new possibilities, facets, worlds within himself in order to perceive life in a wider spectrum. He is not yet sufficiently self-sufficient to do this on his own, without the help of other people. Society provokes the revelation of human potential with its pluralism and diversity of forms. Of course, he chooses from the world revealed in himself that which is closer to him in terms of psychophysiological and spiritual characteristics and continues his development, accordingly developing these qualities in the relevant areas: culture, science, applied affairs, etc.. And the beloved (I’m talking about couple relationships) most of all contributes to the person revealing and accepting in himself what he could not accept before. The Favorite is a more subtle, individually selected instrument.
Development in a couple is, ideally, acceptance within oneself, or at least finding ways to accept what is not satisfactory in a partner and results in claims against him.
- Now I have the feeling that you are conducting the conversation from too high a position. From the point of view of some Buddha. But I am not a Buddha, and what should I do, say, with the feeling that I have been abandoned, betrayed, or with the feeling that I am betraying someone if I act as I want? I am not so developed and self-sufficient to be outside of this. What should an ordinary person do?
— I answered from two positions: as you put it, Buddha and man, also still dependent. More often I am in the second position, and receive the first in the form of a gift. I am content with such schizophrenia. The main thing in my answer is still “at leastsearchways to accept what is not satisfactory in a partner and results in complaints." Accepting is difficult, this is a special process: the inertia of protest does not allow, love and sympathy help. The main thing is that the process should be at the expense of oneself, and not the partner. Let's say, it is impossible, from my point of view, to say: “What a bigot he is, he’s never in a hurry, how can he learn mobility in life...”, or better: “How can heMeshows his slowness and equanimity... WhatTo mewhat to do to understand what positive side can be hidden in these qualities?" Etc. This is individual development, albeit in a couple.
As for the “imperfect feelings” of an ordinary person... It is important to first understand that thisYoursreaction to the actions of a partner. When understanding comes, or better yet awareness, then in any case you will grow, become mature, and gradually a different attitude towards your reactions to grievances will appear, and the reactions themselves will gradually change.
— From your point of view, is a paired upgrade possible? It is the plot of many “family” films: the relationship between husband and wife seems to have exhausted itself, their lives are emasculated, but some event occurs - and in the end a situation called “I looked at my husband with different eyes.” And then - new happy life the same family composition.
— No, a reboot is also always individual and is experienced individually. And in these couples, after “I looked at my husband with different eyes,” there remains so much hidden, “forgotten” pain, so much that is difficult to talk about, that is, so much that is not accepted, that there is no need to talk about a mature relationship. I have encountered this more than once. It is possible to resume a relationship if the couple separated for at least two years and then reunited. This has happened. But this will not be a renewal of the relationship between the same people - two new people will meet. And many things will be different for them.
- Can you name the criteria that indicate: the relationship needs to be terminated, then there will only be attenuation - degradation?
— It is impossible to end a relationship as long as there is a strong, caring reaction to the partner, even in his physical absence. Degradation or destruction occurs in the absence of work on one’s reactions to the actions of a partner, and energy is directed toward claims or attempts to change the partner. Therefore, I recommend ending external relationships after repeated (3-5) unsuccessful attempts to work on yourself.
— You said that after breaking up, you under no circumstances recommend looking for another partner based on feelings of loss. I understand why: using something else as an analgin is futile. But a person in such states is cunning and tries to convince himself that the pain of loss has passed. What markers can you point out that would indicate that now you can think about your personal life? And I would also like your recommendations on behavior during the loss of a partner (care or death), especially in the first few weeks. What is the most environmentally friendly way to deal with this pain?
— After a separation, when the relationship is truly terminated, a person ceases to have complaints about ex-partner Moreover, she feels sincere gratitude to him. She is not afraid and does not seek to meet him. If you have a lot of complaints, it means that the relationship, despite the absence of a partner, continues.
After the loss loved one you need to consciously devote 10-20 percent of the day to meditation on suffering and despondency, understanding that this is a normal reaction. That is, you need to consciously sit down and suffer, cry, go through old photos, etc. Gradually, the accumulated pain will be washed out of the body (this will take from two weeks to six months), and you will be left with valuable experience for later life.
And pretending that nothing happened means pushing the suffering deeper. In addition, they will still break through, and then you will be stormed without your participation and much more severely.
If a person does not work on feelings after separation, then it is simply not recommended to look for or allow clearly dependent relationships for two years.
- Does this mean not looking for any relationship at all for two years? It turns out they will still be dependent, any kind.
— Allowed various shapes relationship, but if you discover that you are in love, you should protect your partner from yourself.
— To prevent painful “sticking”?
— Yes.
— I wonder what else you personally cannot accept about yourself?
-It’s still not easy for me to accept the rebel within me who argues with society. That's why he, poor fellow, pops up at every step - where he should and shouldn't...
— What small (or big) spiritual discovery have you recently made for yourself, what internally valuable conclusion have you come to?
— Everything has its time.
— IN last years you are interested in photography. What does this hobby mean to you?
— Yes, I take pictures of me too. For me, this is another method of development, such phototherapy is meditation, where I learn to experiment. The formats and patterns of my psyche immediately appear there. In addition, you can track the reactions of others by changing photos on social networks, this helps you change opinions about yourself and accept it all.
— What processes (or trends) occurring in modern society, are you happy? What do you especially welcome?
— I welcome the manifestation and approval of completely different and even opposite concepts in everything: opinions, behavior, creativity, everyday life, relationships, science and pseudo-science, politics... After all, this is what leads to the acceptance of all aspects of life, and only after this acceptance does it become possible to find and realize myself.
Love is one of those sufferings
which cannot be hidden;
one word, one careless
a glance and even silence are enough,
to give him away.
P. Abelard
.
Is he in love or just being nice to me? What does it mean if she doesn't call back for so long? …..
Almost every person has bitter experiences throughout his life. unrequited love. Loving into emptiness is hard and painful. It often takes some time before we decide to give up our dream of conquering our inaccessible object of adoration.
How can you recognize whether he (she) is experiencing the same feelings as you? How to distinguish falling in love from a simple polite relationship?
These signs will help you understand whether your feelings of love will fall on fertile ground.
Subconscious signals and signs of falling in love.
Lovers cannot do otherwise. They send nonverbal cues to the object of your feelings through facial expressions, gestures, glances... And these call signs can be read like Morse code... or the alphabet of love...It does not depend on the gender, age or character of the lover, it is not subject to any self-discipline or suggestion. This is and always has been. And it will be as long as love exists.
If your target is sending you the signals described below, you can be almost sure that there is more at play here than just niceness and good manners.
- Remember how in “Cinderella” the stepmother taught her daughter to shoot with her eyes? Each of us inevitably uses this technique, showing a love interest in one person or another. Most often, your gaze lingers for a long time on a specific part of the body: lips, hair, legs... Your partner also tries to catch your gaze. And, having achieved success, he smiles and looks away.
- Lovers always behave insecurely and nervously on the first date because they are afraid of doing something wrong and value the opportunity to meet the person they like. This uncertainty manifests itself individually in each person. The person blushes, stutters, and constantly touches his temples or forehead with his fingers. Women may talk too much and non-stop due to nervousness, drop objects on the floor, or play with a strand of hair.
- The lovers' voice trembles when they talk. The reason for this feature is the same nervous tension. A man's voice often sounds hoarse and lower. Women speak louder and a higher tone than usual.
- The lovers have wet palms. Again, the reason for this signal is excessive excitement at the sight of the object of adoration. The man takes off his jacket and unbuttons the top button of his shirt... Women also feel excited in the company of their prince: their cheeks become flushed, the décolleté area turns pink.
- Being alone with the object of adoration is the dream of every person in love. Even if it’s just to run into each other one on one in the corridor, jump into the elevator at the last second, follow her (follow him) onto the balcony. But if your beloved half constantly drags her with her to meetings best friend(girlfriend), then it is unlikely that love will arise in his (her) heart.
- Straighten a strand of hair, brush away an invisible speck of dust from the lapel of a jacket, as if accidentally touching your hand... It’s so pleasant and exciting when every fiber of the soul is drawn to a person... Another signal that speaks of falling in love.
Signals indicating a lack of love.
- Lovers look for every opportunity to hear the voice of the person they like. If after the first date he (she) still does not call you back, forget about the existence of this person.
- If he (she) says goodbye to you with a dry handshake, this is also a sign indicating the absence of any intimate intentions. A person who feels sympathy will try not to miss the opportunity to hug or at least kiss on the cheek.
- Does she (he) reschedule your meetings over and over again or does not show up at all? Worth being wary. Since usually a person in love gives up everything, trying to meet the object of his affection as quickly as possible. Especially in the first stage of a relationship.
- If your meetings are planned in such a way that you could not get a single opportunity to be alone with her (him), then most likely your sympathy will remain unrequited. A person invites you simply out of courtesy or does not want to hurt you with his refusal, hoping that this way you will understand everything yourself...
From all of the above, we can conclude that a person who has some feelings for you will even show them unconsciously.
Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but if he (she) long time does not respond to your signals, maybe you just directed your feelings to the wrong object? Look around! What if a new and happier love is waiting for you just around the next corner?
I wish everyone happy and mutual love!
Love is beautiful. And mutual love is doubly beautiful! Do you want him to fall head over heels in love with you? WomanJournal.ru has collected the most reliable ways to capture his heart.
Love is the most beautiful of feelings. And it is doubly beautiful when it is mutual. Are you in love, but only dream of a reciprocal feeling on his part? Do you want him to fall head over heels in love with you?
WomanJournal.ru has collected for you the most reliable ways to capture the heart of any man without resorting to black magic.
Method No. 1. Materialization of thoughts
This method suitable for girls who have not yet met the man of their dreams, but are quite ripe to fall in love. Using this method, you can easily fall in love with the right man for you, who will reciprocate and become the love of your life.
All you need to do is formulate a mental order. For example: “I easily start a relationship with a man who loves me and loves me.” In order for your mental “order” to be fulfilled exactly, formulate it as simply and specifically as possible. And to make what you want happen faster, constantly remember your goal.
You can repeat your order silently or out loud while you drive to work. You can fantasize, imagining a happy life in all its colors. life together with the man of your dreams. The main thing is that when dreaming, imagine the end result (that is, you and he are happy together), and not the ways to achieve the result (where you will meet him, how you will meet, what you will wear, etc.). It is the regular visualization of the final result that materializes your request.
The main thing is that every time a thought flashes through your head negative thoughts(“There are only bastards around”, “There are not enough normal men for everyone”, “I am not worthy of love. Who will love someone like me?”, etc.), immediately replace them with positive ones (“I am surrounded by wonderful men” , “My man is looking for me and will find me soon”, “I am worthy of love”, etc.)!
Method number 2. Give to receive
This technique suitable for those girls who have already fallen in love, but have not yet had time to wait for reciprocity. To attract the attention of the man you like, you first need to show sincere interest in him.
If you manage to fall head over heels in love, use one little trick: don’t demand reciprocity! Moreover, try not to even expect any reciprocity from the object of your passion. This may seem strange, but it is quite effective!
What to do? Just enjoy your love to the fullest. After all, the state of falling in love in itself is extremely pleasant. Revel in it. You are in love, which means you look great, receive a lot of compliments, are filled with inspiration and are ready for new exploits and achievements. Tell yourself: it doesn’t matter whether he reciprocates my feelings or not, I still prefer to rejoice in my love and enjoy it, instead of pointlessly worrying.
The trick is that as soon as you give up the intention to receive something (for example, love, attention, etc.), replacing it with the intention to give something away, you will most likely receive what you gave up. Try it and you will be pleasantly surprised by the result.
Method number 3. NLP comes to the rescue
Psychologists often argue whether one person can control another? Is it possible to force someone to fall in love with you? Opinions differ on this matter. And yet, there are powerful psychotechnics that allow you, if not to fall in love, then, in any case, to greatly captivate another person.
The first thing that will be required of you is to take the position of a player. That is, treat the process of conquest as a gambling and exciting game (and not as a matter of life and death). It turns out great, if it doesn’t work out, well, it was just the first round, you always have time to win back. This position will save you from unnecessary worries and give ease to your actions.
To win over a man, adapt to him. Speak the same language with him (try to adopt his vocabulary, voice, manner of communication). Find out and share his interests with him. Try to find as much in common between you as possible. In NLP this is called mirroring and joining. Try to understand what kind of relationship this man wants, what kind of woman he needs. And then think about how you can fit into this scheme. How can you give him what he wants?
NLP will also help when you are in love with a man who loves another and your feelings are not mutual. Try the anchoring technique. Let him tell you about the one he loves madly. When he speaks, carefully watch his facial expression, tone of voice, posture, and gestures. When he is at the peak of euphoric emotions (the main thing is that his state is extremely positive), touch his forearm (or some other part of the body) with your hand. So from now on he will associate your touch with crazy love.
The main thing in this technique: accuracy. Make sure that his state during the conversation is euphoric, full of love, even if this love is not yet directed at you. And subsequently, every time you want to awaken a feeling of love in him, just touch him the same way you did the first time. And you will see how his condition changes. This way you will gradually be able to intercept the love that was originally addressed to another.
receiving gifts (yes, yes, gifts can melt not only woman's heart!).
and of course, physical contact (hugs, kisses, massage, touching).
Method number 5. Jazz improvisations
Most reliable way conquer man's heart– this is relaxedness and ease.
Love is jazz! Improvise! Your logic, your life experience, your reason, your rationalism are absolutely useless when it comes to such an irrational feeling as love. Listen to your intuition, listen to your inner voice - they are the ones who will tell you the shortest path to the heart of your loved one.
Are you wondering what to do if the love is not mutual- seek advice from psychologists.
Man is initially a social creature and strives by any means to find a mate. This is due to the need for security, procreation, and receiving emotional nourishment.
What is better: to love or to be loved? find out right now.
What is mutual love?
First you need to define the concept of mutual love.
There are two people attracted to each other. Is it possible to talk about mutual feelings in this case?
Often the reason is childhood, when the child did not receive the dose of attention and warmth he required. And now, as an adult, he desperately seeks this love in partners.
In this case the best way out - work on your personality traits, identify the reasons for the obsessive need to seek reciprocity from other people. Changes in yourself entail changes in relationships with loved ones.
What to do if the love is not mutual? Tips in the video:
How to find reciprocity in a relationship?
How to attract mutual love into your life? Everyone dreams of mutual love. This is an opportunity to create a strong, stable family. However, to achieve it, you need to work a lot on your relationships and your personality.
The desire to necessarily find mutual love may lead to disappointment. Reduce the importance of this feeling in your life, and then it will appear naturally.
How to achieve reciprocity? Find out from the video:
