Let's start with the fact that love itself does not arise instantly. It ripens, like any natural culture, gradually, over a long period. The careful approach of two people who feel interest in each other is like a ritual dance in which one, taking a step towards, freezes in anticipation of the reaction of the other, and if it follows, a little closer to the object of sympathy. In the event that one of the “dancers” suddenly ceases to be active, the second performs some actions for some time (usually not long), but if the situation does not change, it turns off and goes in search of a more responsive partner.
If both people, to one degree or another, continue to dance to each other, sooner or later there will be contact, which can be both pleasant and painful, because we are all living people with a full set of personal zabubons that are not so easy for others to accept. . In addition, one should not discount the tradition of “annoying your neighbor” that is flourishing in society, in particular, the downright manic desire of outsiders to interfere in the autonomy of a maturing couple in order to “put it in order” at their own discretion. However, if with all this two people still manage to stay together, and plus - this is very important - they find pleasure and positive in joint interaction, then, in fact, this is love.
24 years old, tourism manager
When they say that in a relationship someone loves more and someone less, it seems to me that we are talking about a situation where there is, rather, mutual respect. Mutual love can only be when two hearts unite, and not two flesh. Moreover, two hearts without any material and everyday benefits, and even more so not out of pity and hopelessness. This is rare, but I know for sure - not from the realm of fantasy. Mutual love is the mercy of the Almighty, because it is He who is the ruler of hearts!
By the way, no less popular phenomenon as “love at first sight” is not love at all, but falling in love, a spark that can arise instantly, suddenly and disappear in the same way. This alone suggests that “love at first sight” is rather a relationship of a person with his fantasies than with a real partner.
However, back to mutual love. Given the above, let's ask ourselves a logical question: why can't this feeling be considered mutual if, as we have already seen, the efforts of two are necessary for its occurrence? And if so, therefore, the phrase "mutual love is impossible - one loves, the other allows himself to be loved" does not correspond to reality.
But on the other hand, it is there, and it means something. This is exactly what we need to understand. To do this, imagine people who are sincerely convinced that mutual love does not exist. It seems to me that they are all in some way pessimists, who became such as a result of the drama that happened in their lives. personal history. Unable to build relationships with those with whom they would like and, having experienced disappointment, consciously or not, they decided to continue to live according to the principle of “be patient - fall in love”, secretly continuing to dream about how everything could be otherwise.
Such fantasies, by the way, are a great distraction from reality and interfere with living, as they say in fairy tales, happily ever after. In other words, those who believe that mutual love is impossible, in this way, simply explain personal failures, thus modeling their future life. And, unfortunately, not only mine. The best way out of this situation can be a course of psychotherapy. An experienced doctor will help you cope with injuries, and at the same time help you understand: life is doubly attractive if there is mutual love in it.
When Victor Ediger answers questions during group analytical conversations, you immediately pay attention to his ability to quickly diagnose a person's deep problem. Sometimes it is clear on the basis of what words of the interlocutor the psychologist made this or that conclusion. Sometimes it is a mystery, but the conclusion later turns out to be true anyway. Once, seeing that I could not trace his logical chain in any way, Victor remarked: "Analysis cannot be based only on logic, this is where intuition comes into play". This combination of analyticity and intuition helping each other is probably a sign of any a good psychologist. It's just that Victor has them in some happy proportions.
However, this brilliance would not, in my opinion, be of particular value if it were not for another quality of a psychologist, which is most felt not at the stage of diagnosis, but at the stage when Ediger gives a task to the person who turned to him. That quality is respect. Respect, the degree and level of which are not immediately revealed. For Victor, his interlocutor is not a creature distorted by a problem that needs to be cleansed of, like a scab, but a unique creature that is very necessary for something in this world. The problem in this view turns out to be useful for the development of a person, precious for revealing his potential. Victor suggests how to handle this gift so as not to go around with it, unpacked and aggravating, in a vicious circle. And it often gives a difficult, but always feasible task.
To be able to take such a metaposition, to contemplate the outlines spiritual path of a person, the psychoanalyst must periodically feel in himself at least a particle of the deity, who, as you know, knows all the ways. I think the divine is in everyone, but not everyone is able to turn to this part of their personality at the right time. Victor is one of those people who can do it.
- You once said that non-reciprocal love can not be. Why? After all, each of life experience can give an example of an unrequited feeling. What did you mean?
I have deeply researched this issue in my time. Interest in a person is always mutual, just not everyone can afford to reciprocate - for various reasons: someone is held back by obligations, someone by prejudice, someone is afraid to take responsibility for the consequences of relationships, and someone is encapsulated in such a way that that he cannot even admit to himself in a reciprocal feeling. In the latter case, one has only to dig a little deeper - and this feeling is revealed.
For example, a man leaves a woman, confused by some settings of the society around him (for example, because she has grown fat and does not meet model standards), but in reality it turns out that the relationship has not been exhausted, and he needs this woman. After all, it is with her that some important aspects of him are revealed next to him. Love is always mutual, it's just that people's ways to each other are different, and not always equally clear and open.
- If one person loves another, someone who seems indifferent to him, or is already in some kind of relationship, then you need to admit this feeling?
- Of course. You can't know what's going on inside someone you like so much. Let him know about your sympathy, and then we'll see. Give him a choice.
- Once I loved a not free man and did not dare to admit it to him, because he adored his wife, and these relationships seemed to me so sacred that my feeling seemed to me treachery. For a long time I disappeared from the field of view of this person, everything burned out in me. And then I found out that a year after I saw the idyllic family life they broke up. And I thought, God knows what this person would do in a year if he knew what I was experiencing. Moreover, he clearly sympathized with me. Is this an appropriate illustration of what you are talking about?
- Yes, it is quite.
- I remember your reasoning about the speculative concept of "loyalty." You said: “If a person loves a partner and wants to be with him, then what does fidelity have to do with it? And if a person passionately wants someone outside of the current relationship, but does not allow himself to take a step “left”, then what is beautiful about called loyalty? Who would want such a "faithful" partner? My question is about betrayal. What is, from your point of view, betrayal in a relationship?
- The concept of "betrayal" exists only in interdependent (even if they are still mutually beneficial) relations of not free people. Not free to take responsibility and make their own choices. In this case, people call betrayal the actions of a person that do not meet the expectations of his partner.
In a mature relationship, a change in behavior, even without warning, is perceived as a subject for dialogue, finding out the reason (if there is a need or interest in this) and making a decision on further relationships. And in the interdependent relationship of a man and a woman, the termination of the expected monopoly on access to the partner's genitals is considered a betrayal.
— How do you understand development in a couple?
- Development, if you look at it, is always individual. The task of a person is to reveal some new possibilities, facets, worlds in himself in order to perceive life in a wider spectrum. He is not yet so self-sufficient as to do it on his own, without the help of other people. Society provokes the disclosure of human potential with its pluralism, variety of forms. Of course, he chooses from the world revealed in himself that which is closer to him in terms of psycho-physiological and spiritual features and continues his development, respectively developing these qualities in the relevant areas: culture, science, applied affairs, etc.. And the beloved (I'm already talking about paired relationships) most of all contributes to the fact that a person reveals in himself and accepts what he could not accept before. Favorite is a more subtle, individually selected instrument.
Development in a couple is, ideally, acceptance in oneself, or at least a search for ways to accept what does not suit a partner and results in claims against him.
- Now I have a feeling that the conversation is being conducted by you from too high positions. From a Buddha's point of view. But I am not a Buddha, and what should I do, say, with the feeling that I have been abandoned, betrayed, or with the feeling that I am betraying someone if I do what I want? I am not so developed and self-sufficient as to be out of it. How to be an ordinary person?
- I answered from two positions: as you put it, the Buddha and the person - also still dependent. More often I stay in the second position, and I receive the first as a gift. I am satisfied with such schizophrenia. The main thing in my answer is still "at leastSearchways of accepting what does not suit a partner and results in claims. "It is difficult to accept, this is a special process: the inertia of the protest does not let it go, love and sympathy help. The main thing is that the process should be at the expense of oneself, and not the partner. Say, it is impossible, from my point of view, to say: "What a scumbag he is, he is never in a hurry to go anywhere, how can he learn mobility in life ...", but better: "HowMedisplays his slowness and equanimity ... Whatto meto understand what positive side can be hidden in these qualities?” Etc. This is what individual development is, albeit in pairs.
As for the "imperfect feelings" of an ordinary person ... It is important to begin to understand what thisyoursreaction to the actions of a partner. When understanding comes, or better, awareness, then in any case you will grow, become mature, and gradually a different attitude towards your reactions to insults appears, and the reactions themselves gradually change.
- From your point of view, is a pair upgrade possible? It is the plot of many "family" films: the relationship between husband and wife seems to have exhausted itself, their life is emasculated, but some event occurs - and in the finale a situation called "I looked at my husband with different eyes." And then the new happy life the same family composition.
- No, the reboot is also always individual and is experienced alone. And in these couples, after “I looked at my husband with different eyes”, then there remains so much hidden, “forgotten” pain, so much that is difficult to talk about, that is, so much unaccepted that there is no need to talk about mature relationships. I have encountered this many times. It is possible to resume relations if the couple broke up for at least two years, and then reunited. This has happened. But this will not be a renewal of the relationship of the old people - two new people will meet. And many of them will be different.
- Can you name the criteria that indicate: the relationship needs to be terminated, then there will only be attenuation - degradation?
- Relationships cannot be terminated as long as there is a strong indifferent reaction to a partner, even in his physical absence. Degradation or destruction occurs in the absence of work on one's reactions to the partner's actions, and the energy is directed to claims or attempts to change the partner. Therefore, I recommend stopping external relations after repeated (3-5) unsuccessful attempts to work on yourself.
- You said that after parting, in no case do you recommend looking for another partner on a sense of loss. I understand why: the use of another as an analgin is futile. But a person in such states is cunning and tries to convince himself that the pain of loss has passed. What markers can you indicate that would say that now you can already think about your personal life? And I would also like your recommendations on behavior during the loss of a partner (departure or death), especially in the first few weeks. How to deal with this pain in the most environmentally friendly way?
- After parting, when the relationship is really terminated, the person ceases to have claims to former partner, moreover, feels sincere gratitude to him. She is not afraid and does not seek to meet with him. If you have a lot of complaints, then the relationship, despite the absence of a partner, continues.
After the loss loved one you need to consciously devote 10-20 percent of the time of the day to meditation of suffering, despondency, realizing that this is a normal reaction. That is, you need to consciously sit down and suffer, cry, sort through old photos, etc. Gradually, the accumulated pain will be washed out of the body (it will take from two weeks to six months), and you will be left with valuable experience for later life.
And to pretend that nothing happened is to drive suffering deeper. In addition, they will still break through, and then you will be stormed without your participation and much more severely.
If a person does not work on experiences after separation, then it is simply not recommended to seek or allow obviously dependent relationships for two years.
Does this mean that for two years not to look for any relationship at all? Well, it turns out, they will still be dependent, any.
— Allowed various forms relationships, but if you find love, you should protect your partner from yourself.
— To prevent painful "sticking"?
— Yes.
— I wonder what you personally still can not accept in yourself?
-It is still not easy for me to accept the rebel inside me, arguing with society. Therefore, he, poor fellow, jumps out at every step - where necessary and not necessary ..
— What small (or big) spiritual discovery have you recently made for yourself, what internally valuable conclusion have you come to?
— Everything has its time.
— AT last years you are interested in photography. What does this hobby mean to you?
— Yes, I photograph me too. For me, this is another method of development, such phototherapy is meditation, where I learn to experiment. The formats and patterns of my psyche immediately appear there. In addition, you can track the reaction of others by changing photos in social networks, this helps to change opinions about yourself and accept it all.
— What are the processes (or trends) taking place in modern society, make you happy? What do you especially welcome?
- I welcome the manifestation and approval of completely different and even opposite concepts in everything: opinions, behavior, creativity, everyday life, relationships, science and near-science, politics ... After all, this is what leads to the acceptance of all aspects of life, and only after this acceptance does it become possible to find and realize myself.
Love is beautiful. And mutual love is doubly beautiful! Do you want him to fall in love with you without memory? WomanJournal.ru has collected the most reliable ways to capture his heart.
Love is the most beautiful of feelings. And it is doubly beautiful when mutual. Are you in love, but only dream of a reciprocal feeling on his part? Do you want him to fall in love with you without memory?
WomanJournal.ru has collected for you the most reliable ways to capture the heart of any man without resorting to black magic.
Method number 1. Materialization of thought
This way suitable for girls who have not yet met the man of their dreams, but at the same time are quite ripe to fall in love. Using this method, you can easily fall in love with the right man, who will reciprocate and become the love of your life.
All you have to do is formulate a mental order. For example: "I easily start a relationship with a man who loves me and loves me." In order for the mental “order” to be fulfilled exactly, formulate it as simply and specifically as possible. And to make what you want happen faster, constantly remember your goal.
You can repeat your order to yourself or out loud while driving to work. You can fantasize, in all colors imagining a happy life together with the man of your dreams. The main thing - when dreaming, imagine the end result (that is, you and he are happy together), and not the ways to achieve the result (where you will meet him, how you will get to know what you will wear, etc.). It is the regular visualization of the final result that materializes your request.
The main thing is every time that flashes through my head negative thoughts("There are only bastards around", "There are not enough normal men for everyone", "I am not worthy of love. Who will love someone like me?" etc.), immediately replace them with positive ones ("I am surrounded by wonderful men" , “My man is looking for me and will soon find me”, “I am worthy of love”, etc.)!
Method number 2. We give in order to receive
This technique suitable for those girls who have already fallen in love, but have not yet had time to wait for reciprocity. To attract the attention of a man you like, you first need to show sincere interest in him.
If you managed to fall head over heels in love, use one little trick: do not demand reciprocity! Moreover, try not to expect any reciprocity from the object of your passion. It may seem strange, but it is very effective!
What to do? Just enjoy your love to the fullest. After all, the state of being in love is extremely pleasant in itself. Get drunk on it. You are in love, which means you look great, receive a lot of compliments, are filled with inspiration and are ready for new exploits and achievements. Tell yourself: no matter if he reciprocates or not, I still prefer to rejoice in my love and enjoy it, instead of pointlessly worrying.
The trick is that as soon as you give up the intention to get something (for example, love, attention, etc.), replacing it with the intention to give something away, you will most likely get what you gave up. Try it and you will be pleasantly surprised by the result.
Method number 3. NLP comes to the rescue
Psychologists often argue, can one person control another? Is it possible to force someone to fall in love with you? Opinions on this matter differ. And yet there are strong psychotechniques that allow, if not to fall in love, then, in any case, to greatly captivate another person.
The first thing that is required of you is to take the position of the player. That is, treat the process of conquest as a gambling and exciting game (and not as a matter of life and death). It turns out - excellent, it doesn’t work out - well, it was just the first round, you will always have time to recoup. Such a position will save you from unnecessary worries and give your actions ease.
To win over a man, adjust to him. Speak the same language with him (try to adopt his vocabulary, voice, manner of communication). Find out and share his interests with him. Try to find as much in common between you as possible. In NLP, this is called mirroring and attaching. Try to understand what kind of relationship this man wants, what kind of woman he needs. And then think about how you can fit into that pattern. How can you give him what he wants?
NLP will also help when you are in love with a man who loves another and your feelings are not mutual. Try the anchoring technique. Let him tell you about the one he loves madly. When he speaks, carefully follow his facial expression, tone of voice, posture, gestures. When he is at the peak of euphoric emotions (the main thing is that his state is extremely positive), touch his forearm (or some other part of the body) with your hand. So your touch will henceforth be associated with crazy love.
The main thing in this technique: accuracy. Make sure that his state during the conversation is euphoric, full of love, even if this love is not yet directed at you. And afterwards, every time you want to awaken a feeling of love in him, just touch him in the same way as you did the first time. And you will see how his condition changes. So you will gradually be able to intercept the love that was originally addressed to the other.
receiving gifts (yes, yes gifts can melt not only female heart!).
and of course, physical contact (hugs, kisses, massages, touches).
Method number 5. Jazz improvisations
Most reliable way conquer male heart- it is looseness and ease.
Love is jazz! Improvise! Your logic, your life experience, your reason, your rationalism are absolutely useless when it comes to such an irrational feeling as love. Listen to your intuition, listen to your inner voice - it is they who will tell you the shortest path to the heart of your loved one.
Every person has their own formula for happiness. For some, it lies in a career, others are happy with a roof over their heads, others cannot imagine themselves without wealth. But hardly anything can compare with the feeling when mutual love comes to life. It occurs infrequently, and those who managed to comprehend this feeling can rightfully be considered lucky. But what about those who have not yet been lucky enough to meet their other half? Especially for those who doubt whether there is mutual love in the world, this article was created.
Does mutual love exist?
Very often, those who once got burned about this seemingly bright feeling say that no love exists. After all, if it brings happiness to one, then those who loved, but were not loved, had to experience a real tragedy in their lives. There is nothing worse than the inaccessibility of a loved one. On the other hand, in modern society, such a thing as true mutual love has become less and less common. Marriages began to be concluded for profit, for the sake of money and high position, as well as, as it is customary to say, "on the fly." love like mutual feeling almost ceased to meet pure form. But still it exists. And in order to answer the question of how to achieve mutual love, it is important to take two important steps: learn to love yourself with all your complexes and shortcomings, and get rid of the common mistakes that every second person who longs for harmonious relationships makes.
How to attract mutual love?
Almost everyone who has ever said to himself: "I want mutual love" does not realize that it originates from the depths of the soul. How can you be critical of yourself and expect someone else to love you no matter what?
Love, of course, must be mutual. But if you had to get burned and meet a person who is not going to respond to your feelings, use this case as an example for working on mistakes. Do not hide evil against those who are not mutual with you, improve yourself and then someone will definitely tell you those words of love that you have been waiting for so long.
Does mutual love exist?
Of course, love and falling in love are two different things. The reason for the emergence of mutual love can be called a coincidence at the physiological level. It's like the composition of a dangerous chemical cocktail - you never know when it will explode. It is impossible to predict a safe percentage ratio of reagents so that both precipitate equally, but sometimes you are lucky. There is only one chance in a million that the feelings will be mutual.
It turns out that mutual love is a matter of chance with a minimum probability? It turns out that's why they share these two concepts - passion and love. In the second case, there is more predictability, and there are even good chances for cultivating and maintaining reciprocity.
Our feelings are influenced by many different factors. A person can assure that he is in love, and hide behind passion, but in fact he can be guided by mercantile benefits. People get into a relationship for a variety of reasons - from a real storm of emotions to a simple need to sleep. You can even go down to “brighten up your loneliness until you meet someone better” or even play with someone in love out of pity. In order to understand, let's break all the motives into three main blocks.
physiological factor. Brain chemistry and the explosion of hormones are included here. It's all about love at first sight and about "the earth is gone from under your feet." When the pulse is naughty, and the cheeks turn treacherously red, no matter how hard you try to hide the attraction to the object of adoration. All the physiological reactions of the body that we cannot control. This is the most mysterious factor, it is still not clear how the brain chooses the person to whom it will react this way. We have only a bunch of guesses at our disposal, like “reminds me of a father,” “perfect facial symmetry,” or even “an elusive smell of sweat that suits you genetically,” but there is no exact answer to why and how feelings arise.
psychological factor. It's all about here key features character of a particular person. Some people tend to be overly expressive, while others are introverts. Someone is calmly phlegmatic and does not express his feelings, while someone is temperamentally hot and has a rich vocabulary. Do not ignore strong distortions in the psyche, for example, people with a predisposition to Asperger's syndrome or psychopathy find it difficult to recognize emotions. In communication with another person, they feel like they are in a minefield in the dark and look for a safe path on a whim. Therefore, some people experience especially strong feelings, and others seem cold, although they may experience catharsis inside.
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social factor. The norms of society and the environment in which we grew up and live. Fear of becoming asocial (“I will stay alone”), unwillingness to be different from the group (“everyone is already married, I want too”) or the desire to dominate the group and the resulting mercantile interests (“I will marry the rich and get influence”) or adherence to traditions ( “in my religion, they marry the one chosen by their parents”). Moreover, we are all brought up in certain traditions. In our country, for example, it is believed that an emotional guy is a weakling. In France, on the contrary, it is customary to praise one's sensitivity.
It's a pity, but you can't get into someone else's head. Is there a way to understand who loves more intensely in a relationship, and if your other half loves you at all? After all, men are not characterized by active manifestations of feelings, while women, on the contrary, are more emotional. How to understand where beautiful words and where does one really love?
Once a lady of Balzac's age, who had lived for more than forty years with her husband, asked me the question: "What exactly do you call mutual love"? fleeting passion? It's just a cocktail of hormones. According to her, love is long relationship that people build over the years. Yes, initially the intensity of feelings can vary greatly under the influence of a wide variety of reasons, both psychological, physiological, and social. But over time, you can build the most real mutual love.
Of course, any relationship is the work of two. But the task of a woman is to strike a balance. It is important to look not at the words of a man, but at his actions. The only condition is that he must be determined. A person must be sure that he wants this relationship. Next is a matter of technology. A woman should respect her boundaries and not allow herself to be treated unworthily. Take a step only after the step of a man. Develop together. Then, over time, respect, support, psychological comfort and satisfaction will appear in the relationship, read, real mutual love.
The final phrase of an experienced lady: "Love can always be built, unlike falling in love."
It reminded me of Italy. A beautiful old town, love in the air, tons of tourists and money, and the locals polish their little cars of the 60s with such pleasure that you are amazed. In a country where the most loving and sensual men invented the Ferrari, people are used to appreciating and fixing old things, not throwing them away. Why do I feel like they do the same with relationships?
