Each of us imagines (well, at least approximately) how to make a man fall in love with us, and how he will behave after the emergence of tender feelings. First dates, tender touches, long night correspondence and sudden meetings at any time of the day... But all this may not happen if the beloved man is married.
A free guy has nothing holding him back, and he can behave relaxed and calm (read the article for how exactly). With a married man, it’s a completely different story, if he is not a professional reveler.
How a man behaves will depend primarily on his moral qualities, no matter how pretentious it may sound. And also on how important family is to him. If he is determined to save the marriage, they are only waiting for you languid glances, subtle touches and sad sighs.
A suffering man makes not only himself unhappy, but also the women around him
arrow_left A suffering man makes not only himself unhappy, but also the women around him
If he is a decent family man, it will be difficult for him to openly show interest. Happening inside constant struggle: the desire to be close to his beloved and touch her comes into conflict with shame in front of the woman whom this Casanova has already managed to marry.
It is more difficult for a married man to allow himself to fall in love “in an adult way” if he is not yet ready to break the ties of Hymen. He won’t be able to show love openly either; you need to pay attention to hidden signs that a man simply cannot control.
So, a married man is definitely in love if he:
- constantly trying to catch your eye;
- turns his body towards you even if he is talking to someone else;
- smiles at you with or without reason;
- always ready to help;
- next to you he becomes cheerful or thoughtful;
- writes on any occasion.
The desire to get closer competes with the need to keep your distance. Another sign of falling in love: a married man looks like a schoolboy who has been overwhelmed by sympathy for the first time. It doesn't matter how old he is, teenage behavior it will still hatch. Embarrassment, ridiculous phrases, even reddened cheeks - all this can give away even a brutal alpha.
Secret love correspondence is a pleasant and exciting thing, although dangerous.
arrow_left Secret love correspondence is a pleasant and exciting thing, although dangerous.
If you have already met before, it is even easier to understand whether there is sympathy or not. The psychology of a person in love forces him to curry favor with his sweetheart in every possible way and awakens the desire to be (or at least seem) better than he is. Otherwise, how else can you make a woman fall in love with you?
Even more signs male love you can read in the article.
Psychologists say that a man who is ready to cheat will involuntarily touch the wedding ring, twisting it. This is a sign of a desire to remove it along with the marriage shackles.
If you are - free woman If you are interested in a long-term serious relationship, you shouldn’t rush headlong into the pool. A more important task appears: to understand what exactly the married man wants - to simply fall in love and take advantage, or is he ready for a deeper relationship.
Do you have plans for a married man? Of course, you don’t have to give them up right away. But keep in mind: the unspoken vital statistics are disappointing. Most men are simply looking for entertainment on the side and are not going to leave their wife. Therefore, do not have any special illusions, even if his every action looks like a sign of sincere feelings.
Romantic relationship should bring positivity, not sadness
arrow_left Romantic relationships should bring positivity, not sadness.
It’s better to start with neutral communication, more like friendship than love. The chronic Don Juan is only interested in bed games. He won’t listen for hours to your stories about childhood, whereas a man who is truly in love is important to every fact about his sweetheart.
If you managed to make a married man fall in love with you, and he realized that you are “the one,” no one will delay the divorce. But constant excuses and searching for reasons why this cannot be done is a bad sign. A romance that means nothing to a man can drag on for years, and it will end with the phrase “Sorry, I still love my wife.”
This situation is described in detail in the article. True, there she is viewed from the wife’s side, but still read it in order to better understand the motives of such a man.
Sooner or later, he will understand who he needs - his legal wife or a new lover. And the truth is that for the sake of what he wants, he will be ready to do anything. If he wants, he will move mountains, and in the middle of the night he will rush in with fruit, and go to the registry office to file for divorce. But only if he really wants to.
Even if the husband is sure that he is the real Stirlitz and the God of conspiracy, it is almost impossible to avoid a puncture. Men often forget how picky and attentive to detail women are. It is O N who may not notice the twentieth new dress or the changed hairstyle of her missus, but SHE will notice everything.
You can be stressed if:
- the husband suddenly decided that scrambled eggs in lard are the enemy of his long-lost abs, and he urgently needs to sign up for the gym;
- shabby T-shirts and washed family shirts were replaced by new fashionable wardrobe items;
- at night, instead of the usual snoring, a quiet clicking sound is heard on the mobile phone display;
- bed games are replaced by the dry “I’m so tired, maybe we should just sleep?”;
- the aroma of shower gel was replaced by expensive perfume.
Unfaithful husbands often forget that the wife knows exactly what her husband becomes when he falls in love: she has already been through all this.
Each man experiences guilt in his own way. Someone begins to fuss more about the deceived spouse, who may not yet even suspect it: sudden gifts or flowers “for no reason” (remember: has this ever happened before?), unquestioning fulfillment of household duties, even those from which he usually disowned.
Hero " Real love“I seriously screwed up on the gift. And adultery did not bring happiness to anyone
arrow_left The hero of “Love Actually” seriously messed up on a gift. And adultery did not bring happiness to anyone
Such an attraction of unprecedented generosity can abruptly give way to a negative manifestation of guilt: a man suddenly becomes a beech, refuses any conversations and takes out his irritation on the nearest woman. And immediately after this, obedience returns, and the husband tries in every possible way to correct his mistakes...
Of course, such “symptoms” are not 100% proof that the spouse has found someone else. But you shouldn’t ignore sudden changes either. And how to deal with the third wheel is up to you.
And finally
You want to spend as much time as possible with the object of your passion, especially during the candy-bouquet period. But even a banal trip to the cinema can become a real problem if the beloved is expected home after work, and on the weekend he has to go to his mother-in-law’s dacha.
Falling asleep and waking up next to your lover is very pleasant, and such actions also have meaning for men. But can he guarantee such joy at least once a week? Yes, and it’s hard to realize that the man you love has left your bed for the house where his wife is waiting.
It’s worth thinking three times about how necessary such a relationship is. Married man and the free woman is an old fairy tale that rarely has a happy ending.
Finally - an unusual technique
Let's do a thought experiment.
Imagine that you have the superpower to “read” men. It’s like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man and you immediately know everything about him and understand what’s on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any problems in your relationship at all.
And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you can’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.
We advise you to pay attention to the master class from Nadezhda Mayer. She is a candidate of psychological sciences, and her technique has helped many girls feel loved and receive gifts, attention and care.
If interested, you can sign up for a free webinar. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for visitors to our site.
Being a lover is only easy when you are... self-sufficient woman, who enjoys extreme adventures and sex, and also tries not to fall in love with her partners. But it’s difficult for a woman’s nature not to fall in love with someone you sleep with and who treats you with tenderness and understanding. This is the rub.
Being the mistress of the man you love is the worst thing. This is a clear path to nervous breakdown, because jealousy and hope for a happy outcome are depressing. Alas, men are often not ready to leave their family and cozy nest, preferring to keep their mistress close to them. As a result, we have to count on three scenarios:
1, He leaves his wife, and you start your own family (unlikely - 10%).
2. He dumps you for preference. family warmth and stability (65% probability).
3. He drags out the relationship, and you date until your wife finds out about the relationship (25% chance).
Your wife will most likely do everything she can to make your life hard for at least some time. It will be difficult to survive the betrayal of a loved one and the onslaught from his official other half. This is one of the reasons why psychologists recommend not communicating with your lover’s missus and keeping your relationship a secret.
Consequences of a relationship with a married man in the very near future
At first everything will be simply amazing. The guy is ready to kiss your hands and feet, constantly whisper about love, give gifts and cajole you with a story about how you will celebrate some important holiday together, in a common house. He does this to “glue” you to himself more tightly, and also to convince himself that he is doing everything right. There are two types of men who go for long term relationship with his mistress:
Gentle romantics who want to find a new object of love and inspiration.
Lovelaces, thus proving their superiority. They need to be expected at any moment, desired with all body and soul. They love few people except themselves, so sometimes they even have several mistresses.
Relationships with the first type are pleasant, and if the wife does not find out about them, they will have only positive consequences. And an extramarital union with a second one will only bring tears and nerves, and in the near future. You shouldn’t rely on such people, although it’s especially easy to fall in love with them, because girls adore “bad boys.”
Try to realize as quickly as possible who you are dealing with. But you shouldn’t give all of yourself to the ladies’ man; only separation will be the best solution for both.
What consequences can there be from a relationship between a married woman and a married man?
The worst option is a relationship between a married woman and a married man.
The constant hassle, the need to hide and lie, especially if both have children, just drives you crazy. It can only be worth it if you are in love and are ready to endure all the problems for the sake of it. If it’s just sex between you, it’s better to think about it: does this adventure make sense?
The worst thing that can happen is that your other half will find out about it. And it often turns out that even if you both swore that you don’t need them and love each other, you still break up, returning to your spouses. Some even understand that forgiveness on the part of the rightful soul mate opened their eyes to the feelings hidden in the depths of their souls for her. Sometimes relationships need a release in the form of betrayal in order to begin to appreciate stability, peace and comfort.
It also happens that your significant other does not forgive, and you are left without families, just the two of you. Initially, this may seem like a good idea, but over time, hatred develops towards the one who deprived you normal life and made me go through divorce, hysterics, insults. It’s good when you support each other at such a moment. It’s terrible if everything is not so. This means that you didn’t really need each other, having lost your families for nothing.
Psychologists advise married people to choose only one of two options:
1. Sometimes make love without any obligations (this helps to take your mind off problems around the house and quarrels with spouses).
2. Get together and build your family, telling your spouses about it.
There cannot be intermediate options, since they are the most painful and will only bring disappointment to the lives of many people.
Is having an affair between unfree people a sin?
If you look from the point of view of biblical laws, then the connection between unfree people is a real sin. Everyone remembers the commandment “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”
In some religions you can find references to the fact that dating a married man is not a sin. In Islam, for example, polygamy is allowed. But little is said about a relationship with a married woman and always negatively. A girl must maintain comfort in the house, remain a good wife and mother, and also be faithful to her husband in all situations. Cheating on your husband is punishable by death in some countries.
In a civilized society, this, of course, does not happen, but cheating on your wife is still more acceptable. It is believed that guys are polygamous by nature, and for girls, banal promiscuity plays a role. In the emancipated world, they are trying to equalize these rights, but on a subconscious level, the love affair of unfree people is still condemned.
Negative consequences of dating a married man according to your zodiac sign If you believe in astrology, you can turn to the stars for help. Find out the Zodiac sign of the man you love, and you can see what consequences of your relationship are most likely.
ARIES; Stubborn Aries will be with you until the end, telling stories about a happy life together. Most likely, he also tells his wife about love. Be careful with him and keep your distance.
a lion;Lions, with the help of such connections, prove their uniqueness and stroke the ego. They love to play with people for their own pleasure. Don't allow yourself to fall in love with the owner of this sign, otherwise he will steal your heart and faith in love. It's better to step back and let them conquer you.
Sagittarius; Sagittarius understands exactly what he wants. He will never change out of the blue - the decision has been thought through hundreds of times. Most likely, he loves you and will not exchange passion for family comfort with his wife. However, such questions are purely individual.
Calf; A romantic Taurus will give you all of himself, give you gifts and charm you with incredible sex. Taurus rarely lie, but they do it skillfully. Exists Great chance that the man will be devoted to you, but leaving the family is too difficult a decision for him. He understands that he is responsible to his family. Virgo;Virgo does not like to cheat and does it only as an urgent need, when everything is completely boring. This fact allows you to believe in stories about a terrible spouse and a quick divorce. But don't get your hopes up too much.
Capricorn; Capricorns, like Leos, are the ladies' men mentioned above. They may have several mistresses, but they will not experience true feelings for any of them. Of course, Capricorn sometimes falls in love - he is a human being. Therefore, first, find out what exactly the representative of this zodiac sign feels towards you.
Twins; Geminis often lead a double life. They like to hide and lie, seem like a different person and seem to love someone else. For them, relationships on the side are a game and release from family life. You should not completely trust and impose yourself on the twins. They can always find a new object to play with another person.
Scales; Libra soberly weighs the pros and cons before changing. They don't necessarily have to have problems at home. Perhaps the new passion is simply more profitable than the wife, so she is preferred. A relationship with a representative of the Libra sign will be full of amazing moments, but it is unlikely to last longer than a year.
Aquarius; Aquarius is looking for a soul mate. He usually cheats when his wife has moved away and the connection between them has faded away. It is important for him to share news and feel loved. If you give it, he will carry you in his arms. True, he won’t leave the family, but he will definitely give you unforgettable moments.
Cancer; Cancer is very faithful, because relationships with his mistress have a touch of love - he will not cheat just for the sake of physical gain. A representative of this sign is more likely to leave his wife than any other, since he has real and deep feelings for you.
Scorpion; Scorpio cares about quality sex, for which he is willing to cheat. In a relationship with a lover, this moment plays a key role. If you give him what, due to some beliefs and principles, his wife does not give, the relationship will last a long time. But don't expect a happy ending.
Fish;Pisces are kind and do not like to hurt anyone. Usually they endure for the sake of others, trying to hide their emotions. Relationships on the side end quickly and easily, even if they later regret it for the rest of their lives. Give the representative of the sign everything he needs - this is the only way you will keep him near your person for a long time.
The psychology of such connections and advice from a psychologist
Weak girls who wholeheartedly want to be loved, or girls who are in search of a financial life partner, are capable of dating a married man. Self-sufficient and serious people are unlikely to undertake such a gloomy adventure that does not bode well. Are you still consumed by the abyss of passion?
Then listen to the advice of psychologists:
1. Don't criticize your spouse. Try not to ask about her and generally forget about her for a while when you are near a man.
2. Do not try to contact your loved one’s relatives, and especially your wife, if you value the man. This could be the end of the relationship.
3. Do not create scandals and do not ask to choose one of you, pressure will only lead to separation.
4. Don’t change “in response.” Representatives of the stronger sex value devotion above all else, even if it sounds absurd.
5. Do not impose and comply with requests. You should not call if your loved one asks you not to do this while he is with his family. Wait patiently for it to dial on its own. The only option when it is worth fighting for a relationship is when a man is already divorcing his wife.
During the divorce, become the best person in the world for him and create a “paradise” where he will come with joy. Then he will be sure that he made the right choice, and you are his real soulmate.
Appreciate such a man, because for your sake he abandoned the most precious thing in life - family and stability. Help me find it again without regretting what was lost.
Often the psychology of relationships between married lovers is determined by the lack of continuation. The desire to get closer to people burdened by marriage is explained by the reluctance to leave one’s own family. After all, the appearance of a free partner imposes responsibility for the further development of the relationship.
The general reasons for the appearance of third-party sexual affairs with unfree people are revealed by three main aspects: sex, romance, communication.
Previously fabulous sex gradually becomes monotonous. Physical intimacy becomes boring, the mysterious act of love becomes an ordinary marital duty.
Wise wives try to introduce novelty, invent various ways diversify your intimate sphere. However, often attempts to wake up former passion end unsuccessfully. The emotional level remains the same. Having lost interest, the spouses start third-party affairs.
Another sexual partner gives vivid sexual sensations and brings previously unknown experience. Outside connections are attracted by the opportunity to experience the variety of sex. Physical contact helps to experience positive emotions and the joy of discovery. A feeling of the unknown appears, and a desire to experiment arises.
Lack of romance
Initially, relationships are always filled with romance. The lovers are worried, trying to seem better. The admirer diligently looks after him: he gives flowers, gifts, various pleasant little things, dinners - he tries in every possible way to please the lady of his heart. The chosen one also maintains a loving atmosphere: she is satisfied romantic evenings, always looks perfect, prepares surprises.
The period of cohabitation is coming. Relationships gradually become boring. The spouse begins to attach more importance to the household, less appearance. The husband stops giving his beloved pleasure with small romantic amenities. The young couple is overwhelmed by the daily routine.
Romance is a necessary part of married life.
The cessation of romantic courtship creates the impression of the fading of former tender feelings. Thoughts become darkened. The desire to fall in love again arises, because strangers seem much more romantic.
The appearance of a new object of admiration causes excitement. There is a desire to impress, delight, surprise. Emotions flare up again. A person needs to maintain the feeling of “butterflies”.
Lack of communication
Simple human communication is also necessary for people who have been married for a long time. At first, the lovers communicate a lot. Trying to please their interlocutor, they try to impress each other: they support uninteresting topics in every possible way, nod, feigning understanding, and tell various interesting stories.
Starting to live together, the spouses gradually reduce communication to discussing exclusively everyday issues. The partner’s internal experiences are given less importance. The time for continuous emotional conversations is over. However, the need to share impressions, express feelings, and discuss significant personal topics remains.
Newly chosen interlocutors are often colleagues. An employee can compensate for a lack of communication. A nice intimate conversation can develop into love affair at work. Interest in the inner world gives rise to sexual attraction. It seems that the colleague understands perfectly, shares feelings, and can console.
Why does a married man need a married mistress?
When acquiring a married passion, a husband is not guided by the intention of changing his wife. The unfaithful chosen one understands that the last thing a woman burdened with marriage needs is a scandal. Typically, the unfaithful spouse also fears the destruction of the marriage. Relationships between unfree people often do not involve creating a new family.
Married mistresses are allowed to give relatively less care. Single ladies begin to make demands. Having the opportunity to see a fan more often, an unmarried passion demands constant attention. Therefore, a ringed mistress is much more “convenient.” It is not at all necessary to look after, talk, give warmth. The responsibility to make his wife happy belongs to the legal husband. The main task of a fan is to provide sexual satisfaction.
Self-affirmation is another important reason.
Representatives of the stronger sex are looking for any reason to compete. Men are flattered by the possibility of getting the woman desired by many. Giving pleasure to someone else's wife gives a feeling of superiority over the legitimate husband. This is a way of self-affirmation - to feel your own importance.
Sometimes the husband gets tired of playing the role of the head of a social unit. Fulfilling the responsibilities of being the breadwinner of the family can sometimes be tiring. A tired spouse wants ordinary support. A young lover is more often an expensive toy than an understanding friend. That's why cheaters prefer experienced ones wise women capable of understanding a lot. Often, sensible people who have gained some life experience are married. The main criterion is the personal qualities of the newly chosen passion, and not the marital status.
Someone else's wife will rarely try on a temporary man for the role of her next husband. Thus, the cheating spouse is insured. A married lady usually wants to save her own marriage. The risk of destroying several families at the same time frightens both. Therefore, a married mistress of a married man can cause a minimum of unpleasant consequences.
There is no need to give expensive gifts. Firstly, it is appropriate for a legitimate husband to pamper his wife. Secondly, it is difficult to explain to your spouse the origin of the things that appear. Soon after a short admiration of an expensive gift, the deception will be revealed.
Relationships between married lovers involve keeping secrets. Those who want to save their families must exercise extreme caution. Fearing discovery, married lovers and mistresses guarantee mutual maximum confidentiality. The same dangerous situation ensures mutual coordination of actions.
Why does a married woman need a married lover?
Psychology partially explains the behavior of a married mistress interpersonal relationships. This type of intimate relationship helps to avoid misunderstandings.
Typically, cheaters pursue the same goal - a short-term romance that is unable to destroy the marriage.
Refusal to develop extramarital relationships discourages the desire to have free guy, requiring continuation.
Having a non-free gentleman helps save time. There is no need to explain the inability to meet too often. A single chosen one may want to spend more time together. Therefore, you can easily send him home immediately after physical intimacy.
The absence of family obligations also favors the appearance of a busy gentleman. Married passion is enough family responsibilities Houses. Feeding, cleaning, washing and ironing are to be done legal wife. All lovers can do is have fun. Romance is not overshadowed by everyday issues. A secret relationship is constantly accompanied by extremely pleasant moments.
Many women consider married men to be experienced lovers. Having not received sexual satisfaction in marriage, desperate wives hope to experience pleasure in the arms of a ringed seducer. There is no need to teach a knowledgeable sexual partner. In addition, he also wants to experience new things. He was also tired of the monotonous marital sex, so the chosen one tries to give his new passion maximum pleasure.
Some representatives of the fairer sex also enjoy seducing other people's companions. The nature of the predator evokes an irresistible desire to take possession busy husbands. A peculiar game gives pleasure to the temptress. She feels a surge of energy and self-esteem increases. A third-party relationship with someone’s spouse exalts the seductress in her own eyes.
Many different reasons to have a non-free sexual partner are complemented by a minimal risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections. A family man, even if unfaithful, usually maintains cleanliness. Various diseases favor the exposure of infidelity, so unfaithful husbands monitor their sexual health.
Prospects for the development of the novel
Falling in love, married lover and married woman whose behavioral psychology did not imply the development of a relationship are at risk of falling in love seriously. A minor affair can sometimes lead to the destruction of two families. Moreover, the decision to separate is not always justified. Sometimes lovers think that by leaving their previous spouses, they will be able to find true happiness. However, in reality they are good sexual partners often turn out to be completely incompatible in everyday life.
In addition, divorce is preceded by a painful solution to the dilemma: marriage or “fairytale” love. However, the long-awaited passion quickly disappoints. A previously romantic chosen one, who seems to be the hero of a love story, is quite ordinary, no better ex-spouse. The same goes for men's ideas about their mistress.
It seems that the secret romance can last forever. However, according to statistics, such a relationship lasts approximately 3 years. After which comes an understanding of the true value of family. Having gained useful experience and made a mistake, cheaters begin to value their legitimate partners more. Having realized their mistakes, the stumbled spouses try to strengthen the marriage union.
Conclusion
The psychology of relationships between legally married lovers can explain the changeable behavior of spouses. However, you should think three times before starting a third-party relationship. The outcome of such affairs is fraught with the destruction of not one family, but two at once. In addition, children suffer. Therefore, it is advisable to thoroughly analyze possible consequences. It may be worth re-evaluating the importance of family ties by trying to rekindle old feelings.
Until recently, my good friend was her boss's mistress, married man. Charming, wealthy, intelligent, socially active manipulator. Having broken off relations with him (more precisely, having decided to break up), she was faced with the fact that his image continued to dominate and influence her attitude towards men. In fact, this image continues to prevent her from building normal relationships.
She compares. And he sees how all the men he meets lose against his background.
Married Lover perceived as real and significant man, all others are a step lower.
This means he continues to dominate. And she is dependent. No matter how I would like to call it... more gently, or something. This is true.
The topic of dependence on a married man is very relevant. The one who has taken the path of temptation often cannot get out of the vicious circle of such relationships, from the sphere of their influence.
Unfortunately, the cost of the issue is very high.
Bans don't work
There are rules, moral and ethical prohibitions on communication with a family man. Why don't they work?
There are everyday ideas about security. Why are they not respected?
Before us is a whole gallery of life examples. Are they really calling out to the wrong people?
It has been told a thousand times how this can come back like a boomerang. Isn't it scary?
So why doesn't all this work?
There are several reasons for this state of affairs.
Like in a whirlpool with your head
There are impulsive actions, and there are strong-willed ones.
If goals are unclear and unconscious, actions are impulsive. Their reason is vague: “I don’t know what I want,” “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Sometimes even “the soul asks.”
If goals and aspirations are clear and conscious, there is an opportunity to show will. Find out something. Create something.
The path to volitional action begins with answering questions like “what am I doing?” and “why?”, but continues through the formation of an internal mirror - reflection.
Impulsive people, unlike strong-willed people, most often ignore rules, norms and prohibitions. And since rules, norms and prohibitions usually warn of the dangers that come with non-compliance, impulsive people unexpectedly find themselves in false and difficult situations.
Alone and without weapons
Remain impregnable or surrender? Yes or no? Does he love or cheat? Do I love or am I deceived?
When questions of this kind arise, the most dangerous thing is to face them UNARMED.
Yes, there are rules of life, but how do you understand that right now they concern you personally?
You not only need to know the prohibition and norm, you need to be able to... accept it. Apply to yourself. Personally.
One girl was persistently pursued by a married man. She resisted, but he was persistent. The girl's head was in chaos. Everything was mixed up: the desire to be loved, fear of prohibitions, sexual discomfort, fear of destroying the family, self-pity and pity for him... Completely confused, she went to her friend for advice. She also had a mess in her head on this topic. As a result, they drank a bottle of wine with a “come what may” and “wait and see” toast. The next day she gave in under persistent pressure, and the relationship began to develop in a dramatic manner. All participants in the drama suffered.
What if she could analyze the entire layout when making a decision? If she knew where to turn for real help, for advice? What if you accepted this help? Everything could have been different.
If you are confused, it means there are not enough resources to solve the problem. There is not enough experience, knowledge, principles, examples. Or it is not clear how to use these tools.
So. If it’s difficult to figure it out, if you realize you can’t cope, don’t fold your wings. You need to look for help or self-help. How else to eliminate confusion and confusion? This is a personal life, and everything must be done to ensure that the problem is solved not by chance, but for the good.
Another girl told how, when problems arose that seemed insoluble, she simply went to church and dug up all the literature that was on display there. She stated that every time she found a book that helped solve the problem.
Prohibitions and norms do not work or work against us if we do not know how to use them, master them, understand them, and apply them. You must be able or learn to SEEK HELP - in your experience and ideas, in books and other resources, from those you trust and who know more than you.
If you are afraid, be afraid calmly
Fear can erase everything, including any norms and rules. Fear of loneliness... Fear that you are losing your chance... Fear that there will be no more chance... And so on, and so on.
The fact is that our decisions affect our future. The cleaner the solution, the more likely it is to follow the straight path and get something that meets your true needs. Yes, you may have to show patience and humility. These qualities are very unpopular among ignorant people. And here wise people they know that they are more valuable than all the gold in the world. And you can develop them only on your own, overcoming very difficult temptations and fears.
There is no need to agree to surrogates, even out of fear. A relationship with a married man is a surrogate for happiness in your personal life. By agreeing to a surrogate, you can be removed from the list of those who will receive the REAL one.
Betrayal of your norms, your rules out of fear leads to crookedness, confusion and mirages in the finale.
I am the best
We ignore norms and rules when we have hope for our EXCLUSION.
For everyone it’s like this, but for me it’s different.
Excessive fixation on oneself is a prerequisite for not only ignoring norms and rules, but also constantly creating a whole sea of different problems for oneself.
This point is the shortest, but it would be worth highlighting in bright red.
Because not only on the topic of “Relationship with a married man,” but also on many others, the root of misadventures must be sought in a sense of self-importance and exclusivity.
Illusions
A woman in love, passionate, and interested tends to romanticize reality. Of course, if she wants it for some reason. One of these reasons is greed. And greed grows from complexes.
It is not easy to work through complexes and relieve pain and dissatisfaction; it is easier to hope for a gift of fate that will solve some problems.
If the gift of fate has any flaws, you have to close your eyes to them. Otherwise, it is impossible to solve your problems. Offends? You'll have to forgive. Does every date start with a drink? We'll have to come to terms with it. Married? Well, what can you do... But he needs me. I don't just need it, I like it. Not just liked, but loved.
Because I want to be needed, attractive, loved.
It is very dangerous to put your WANT on a pedestal. Because it helps create illusions.
I know that he is married, but I want to believe that he is losing his head over me.
I know this won't lead to any good, but I want to see how far he will go for me.
I want to feel adoration, I want, I want, I want!..
Dealing with your own illusions is very difficult. First of all, it hurts. Secondly, it's work. And who likes to work? Only the one who knows why.
And for what?
Why is it necessary to look for the roots of an obsession called “Connection with a married man?”
Image happy family with someone else - unconvincing. He will be pale and lethargic, as all his strength is concentrated on something else.
The image of one’s own freedom does not stick. Since freedom in 90% of cases will seem like a frightening emptiness. Without him.
The image of oneself, worthy of respect, calm, confident - as a rule, is not significant... More precisely, it is incomprehensible. For the time being, for the time being.
Let's be honest: real change is very difficult. It's easy to live in illusions. For the time being, for the time being.
If the goals are not clear, let’s try to crush the obsession brick by brick.
For what? Because all sorts of illusions and obsessions are the favorite food of dependence on a married man. And the first, and the second, and dessert.
Who is he?
Yes, he is not free. But this does not diminish its attractiveness. Especially if he is attracted to you. The “set of his attractiveness” most often includes appearance, intelligence, success and what is described by the words “interesting personality”, “extraordinary person”, “not like everyone else”, etc.
Unfortunately, most of these characteristics are illusory.
In order to check what is false and what is true, you can follow 3 simple steps.
The first is a real assessment of PERSPECTIVE. Where are your relationships taking you? Where does what we have now lead to? Does it lead to where you want to go? What will happen if nothing changes? We need to evaluate the best, worst and middle option developments of events.
The second is a real assessment of NOT WORDS, BUT DEEDS. It is very useful to look for evidence for every conclusion you make about your relationships and feelings. The evidence usually lies in the realm of real cases.
For example, a man says that he loves a woman, but calls and visits rarely, unexpectedly and often at a time when she is not ready. Who is he thinking about? According to his words, he is crazy about her; according to his actions, he thinks only about himself.
Or a woman says that she feels confident next to her lover. How does she gain confidence? Does she gain confidence?
So, you must be ready to justify and prove any romantic conclusions, at least for yourself.
Third - a real assessment of the PARTNER. Yes, he is incredibly attractive, but let's put a mirror of reality in front of him. What will we see?
Firstly, he lies, and constantly. It is difficult to imagine that at home he every time repents of his trips to the “left” and promises not to do this again. You can convince yourself as much as you like that everyone is lying, that there is no other way to live in our time, etc., but by and large this is demagoguery. It is very important to realize: lies destroy personality. Moreover, with the first lie (and a lie in a situation of betrayal is not a small one!) a person begins to lose contact with himself, psychological supports float, the person loses strength. Real strength. Whether it is noticeable or not, the deceiver is a wounded, flawed person, no matter how skillfully he holds his face.
Secondly, he betrays. He must know that he is thereby pulling the rug out from under the feet of the person to whom he once swore love and fidelity - that is, his wife. And also for your children.
Third, he is superficial, that is, mentally stupid, or deaf, or blind, because he does not understand anything about how life works, what good and evil are. No matter how successful a person is in society, he remains a dwarf in matters of honor and kindness. Considering such a person developed is a big mistake.
Fourth, he is cruel. Because he not only destroyed himself, he destroyed the one who fell into his arms. It simply led me into a quagmire from which it is very difficult to get out. Does he not have enough brains to understand this? Maybe. Or he is able to think only about himself.
Fifthly, he is weak. He defeated a gullible woman, but voluptuousness defeated him. This is a sign of weakness or unclearness of life positions, weakness of character. Cheating is never a win. It's always connivance.
The list goes on. But it's not easy and scary. How many connections does this have? family man? Who does he discuss his personal life with? In what terms? In general, it’s enough to remember “Dowry” and its players.
There is no joy in writing about this. But this cannot be written “lightly”.
“They cry so badly when they are really hurt. And when they stop, it’s like a song” (Beagle Peter S.).
It should be noted that all of these points are absolutely NOT visible to the naked eye. Is not it?
I just want to say:
- This is not about us.
- This is not about him.
- It's not like that at all.
If on each point you really want to say “no, everything is different with us,” it is better to work on debunking illusions WITH AN ASSISTANT.
Who am I?
This is where we need to build an insurmountable wall in the way of the flow of excuses and self-justifications.
I'm excellent...
Do you know what a mistress thinks who persists in her lyrical feelings?
THIS IS ME! It was WITH ME that he couldn’t resist!
He is not a deceiver, he is smart, he is kind, he is strong - it is JUST I AM SO GOOD that he could not resist the temptation to enter into a relationship with me.
Of course, this often happens because a woman is not confident in herself, is dissatisfied with herself, worries about her future, is confused, and so on. She really needs support and justification.
There is an opinion that the mistress’s position is caused by dislike for oneself. And with an underlying desire to EXPERIENCE A FEELING OF SUPERIORITY.
Calling a spade a spade is selfishness and pride.
Where is the exit?
It is very important to realize what exactly motivates us. Just be aware of this. Call a spade a spade.
He’s so, so big, at my feet!.. - NO. You just filled an empty niche, and now he has “everything in chocolate.”
I, so growing, are kinder and more understanding than Mother Teresa!.. - NO. You just don’t need money or gifts, and you are always ready.
Calling a spade a spade is generally a very healthy habit.
“By admitting his weakness, a person becomes strong” (Honoré Balzac).
I, fatal...
What does the mistress own? As a rule, if she is not a cynic (and there are very few cynics among women) and not a kept woman (and this is not the category to which the article is addressed), she wants to believe that she owns the HEART of her lover. That “there” he is registered, tormented, dissatisfied, misunderstood..., but “here” he loves and is loved.
Let's figure it out. Passion, casual sex, intrigue... hunting, sacrifice... victory, deception... forbidden fruit... interested glances... fatal secret... A mistress has undivided control only of the shadow side of a man’s life. And this is the side where the antipodes of real happiness dominate. There is not love, peace and kindness, but dark instincts and adrenaline.
The dark side of relationships replaces their bright side. He puts a frog skin on her and hides her in the closet.
And now real happiness, which is based on love, peace and kindness, becomes more and more unrealistic. Because it ceases to be necessary. For the time being. Perhaps until the time of tears and bitter regrets.
As a rule, a woman who gives herself over to the shadow side of a man’s life simply has not had time to fully understand what she really wants. I didn’t have time or didn’t want to. She just goes with the flow. And decent men are declared boring and insipid. And this funny and stupid judgment is printed in large numbers. This makes it more convenient to justify your dark passions.
If there is a way out of this situation, it is difficult to find it. What will help? Memories from times of youth and purity? Prayers to the Guardian Angel? Merciless confession? Just the "del" key? For all this you need the will to live. And often help - a friend, a priest, a psychotherapist.
There is no way out (more precisely, the danger increases significantly) if the shadow side begins to become absolute: “Yes, that’s who I am!” or “This is my destiny”, etc. This is a direct path to what is first called mystery, and then, soon, obsession. In the end it turns out to be a defeat.
Where is the exit?
In fact, we are the ones who decide. You can make a decision and follow it right now, this minute.
“Every resistance offered to the demand of passion weakens it; constant resistance brings her down. Each infatuation with passion strengthens it; constant infatuation with passion enslaves the passions of the one who is carried away by it.” Saint Ignatius (Brianchaninov).
I, enchanted...
Sometimes it seems that the mistress is in the grip of obsession.
Let's not get into metaphysics, let's consider this issue practically. Glamor presupposes the presence of a subject and an object.
The subject is a conscious or unconscious manipulator who solves his problems at the expense of others. Solving your problems yourself is weak or lazy. Expanding the boundaries of your love, creating protection for your family like a man is weak. Solve self-esteem problems? Weak. Help your partner reach a new level of relationship? Weak.
It’s easier to seduce a modern woman who is susceptible to temptation.
The following work for the subject: the media (which confuse concepts and promote false patterns of behavior), public opinion (read statements about fidelity... 90% of this is shocking cynicism), any human weakness (which everyone has), fear, despondency and unbelief.
An object is a person with an unformed vital core. As a rule, the flaw is in self-esteem or the lack of clear ethical standards that could compensate for its weakness.
The object is further weakened by the media (false ideals and patterns of behavior are popularized), public opinion(the race for models of success), fear, despondency and unbelief.
A sweet young woman falls in love with a married man. The fact that he is using her is obvious to everyone except her. This obsession lasts for a year. She nips all attempts to stop her and appeal to common sense. She is delighted with the relationship and even shares her secret thoughts that it is a person like her lover who should have children.
This woman fully realizes her delusion about a year after the end of the relationship. During this year, she keeps the memory of a sweet, tragically cut short fairy tale, and therefore is ready for new... fairy tales. Then the long phase of dependence, self-deception and justification is replaced by a phase of insight and struggle, then - resentment and disgust, and so on. The main thing is that now there is hope that she is developing a healthy immune system. Honor and praise to her for finding the strength to fight for her life.
A sweet young woman has been the mistress of a married man for many years. She is cheerful, well dressed, cheerful... She’s just nervous for no reason, she keeps repeating “my man” and practically doesn’t look me in the eyes...
A sweet young woman explains that her married lover loves her so much that he didn’t say he was married for three months (90 days!) so as not to lose her. He waited until he fell in love and became attached... So that she would not decide to leave him, he also did not talk about his three sons. So as not to lose her. After all, he loves her so much...
Fog, obsessions, mirages...
Where is the exit?
Difficult question. For a bewitched woman, everything that is against the witch's charm is an empty phrase.
Empty sound?
Unfortunately, we will probably have to admit that for both one and the other side of the fatal attachment, everything that is written above is an empty phrase.
Because sin is sweet. And we don't have enough sweets. And we want it.
Because illusions fill the void and reduce pain. And we want it.
Because...
No, really: there is a great fear that any work of the “help” and “clarify” type is doomed.
Any dry residue of any article and any research can be called edification and diluted with warm water: circumstances... characters... features... subtleties... conditions...
Any black and white scheme, any ethical norm or rule can be challenged by introducing tones and halftones...
But is it necessary to do this?
In war as in war - any improvised means can save a life.
Hence the slogan: do not neglect help in any form. Seek and you will find. Go all the way.
At the very least, re-read this article again. There are enough tools here for the attentive reader.
Yes, of course, you need a million arguments. And let the first thousand be rejected, the second be profaned, and so on down the list. Until the INTENTION TO CHANGE LIFE FOR THE BETTER matures.
In fact, you only need one argument, but a very personal one.
Which?
Blessed is he who walks
Breaking the web of dependence on a married man is very difficult work.
And therefore - honor and praise to those who take it up and walk through the minefield of illusions, weaknesses and temptations, gritting their teeth like a fighter. These are the ones who win.
A woman who has finally broken off a vicious relationship is undoubtedly walking the path of maturity and strength. She will reap the benefits that she never dreamed of at the beginning of this difficult transformation. She will be able to respect herself and calmly look into the eyes of her future husband and any person on earth. She will close the black hole of her psyche and allow her real talents and abilities to develop.
A man who realized the harmfulness of his betrayal, repented and stopped... who helped the one he involved in the relationship to also realize everything, repent and stop... who decided never to repeat this terrible mistake and has the will and strength to follow his decision - worth respect.
Let's summarize
A relationship with a married man is a sign of weakness and connivance on both sides.
Complexes and pride push people to get in touch.
The connection is fueled by egoism and illusions, which are inflated by egoism.
If a threat to such a connection arises, it is better to immediately run away without looking back, block all channels, cut off all tentacles. Only honestly. So that there would be no “I couldn’t” later.
You need to know that, by and large, both sides are cynical towards each other, in fact viewing each other only as tools for self-affirmation.
A relationship with a married man speaks of ignorance and a very low level of self-awareness - no matter how high each party’s self-image is.
These games are played by those in whom true human values have not sprouted.
This kind of connection leads down the path of loss. Loss of self, loss of time, loss of perspective, despair - this is not a complete list.
The intention to change your life for the better is KEY.
Calling a spade a spade is useful.
Knowing what you are doing and why is very useful.
Being brave, respecting yourself and your future is not only right, but also beautiful.
Ending your relationship with a married man and ending your addiction is truly an unconditional VICTORY.
Married men are taboo ( Lyudmila, 28 years old)
