How does life change for young parents with the birth of a child? We will tell you first-hand the story of how our lives changed with the advent of a miracle.
Room
Having moved in together, each couple tries to bring comfort to their shared home. We were no exception - over time, the wallpaper and ceiling covering changed, new wardrobes grew along the walls, and the dilapidated single bed, on which we managed to spend the night together for almost a year, was replaced by a new spacious bed. The Dream Room was close to completion when the need to add a crib and changing table appeared on the horizon. After several hours of shamanic dancing with a tape measure and chaotic dragging of furniture, all the necessary objects were placed with relative convenience around the perimeter of the home. But then we bought a sun lounger...
Modern stores offer a huge selection of devices and interior decorations designed to simplify life with a baby. Some of them are actually able to deliver on their promises. Prioritization is important. The main thing to remember is that older child, the more difficult it is to protect the apartment from turning into one large children's room.
Dream
Some of us are night owls in our sleep schedule, others are early risers. Once you have a child, birds are a thing of the past, and you are now a zombie. During the first months, our child slept for three to four hours at night and took several hour-long breaks to sleep during the day. Kirill’s day began between 5 and 6 a.m., about which he immediately notified his parents with a ringing cry. At the signal, a disheveled creature with red eyes approached the crib and took the awakened baby to the “ Mainland" Then there was a period of calm. But any calm gives way to a storm and we have entered the “teeth are about to start” stage. The child vetoes sleep in his crib, in the stroller, and over his parents' sleep. Here you need to remember that you are a team, and give each other the opportunity to sleep, taking the fire on yourself.
Friends
The news of the birth of a child, like hot social gossip, spreads instantly. Strong handshakes, admiring glances and congratulations. At the very least, you brought home Oscar in an envelope from the maternity hospital. Next, you accept the “gifts of the Magi” from loved ones and those who are curious, after which friends and acquaintances are unwittingly divided into those who have children and those who do not. You join the club of the former, although for some time you think that you are no different from the latter. You're different. Friendship, if it is real, will not go anywhere, but you will see each other less often. Immersing yourself in the atmosphere of your small cozy family is truly happiness, but for this happiness to be indestructible, you need to give each other leave. Dad sometimes needs to go to the bar just to tell him how cool it is to be a dad and discuss how many points Tottenham have scored in the English Premier League. Mom, in conditions breastfeeding, arranging meetings is more difficult, but even a couple of hours in a nearby cafe alone with a friend will give you strength for the week.
Fears
When I picked up the newborn baby, my wife laughed:
You hold it as if it were crystal.
But in both my head and hers, no matter what she said, fears were born along with the baby. Involuntarily, a song was even composed about a “paranoid dad.” In the middle of the night I get up to see if everything is okay with my son and have already repeatedly caught him in unsuccessful parkour attempts. Now I know first-hand what a cheetah’s leap is.
We are afraid that he will fall, get sick, or not get necessary nutrition, vitamins, exercises for development. This is fine. Fears help us take better care of our children. The main thing is not to be like the “wise minnow” of Saltykov-Shchedrin and not to shift your worries onto the fragile shoulders of your offspring.
Safety
The point where it is also important to remember the golden mean is safety. “If I knew where it would fall, I’d lay down straws,” that’s just our case. It’s impossible to predict everything, but with the appearance of an inquisitive face, you’ll feel like the head of a security service. Those who have ever held a baby monitor in their hands will understand me. Potential hazards must be anticipated and measures taken to eliminate them. Hearing and vision are sharpened to the limit. Sharp and heavy unstable objects, chemicals, open sockets, windows, dishes - everything is at risk. Needless to say, our house with unfinished major renovations is a minefield from this point of view. So my advice is to spend preparatory work before the baby performs the “Bambi Learns to Walk” scene.
Walks
The number of “going out” with the birth of a child will noticeably decrease, but going for a walk will become an integral part of the daily routine. Perhaps so much stay on fresh air in my life it was only in distant childhood. We still have to reach the playground, but we walked along long park alleys up and down. And it's wonderful! It’s too lazy to get ready, and then everyone decides for themselves - this is either a time to chat with other “cab drivers”, or an opportunity to be in silence and think about something of their own, or, as in my case, it’s also a great platform for photo hunting.
Sport
With the advent of a baby, life becomes more sporty. Whether you like it or not, you pass the standards. The kilometers in the park are already a plus. Biceps, triceps and calves will definitely be pumped up during motion sickness. Jumping on a fitball - the muscles of your legs and back thank you. Until I figured out how to use the press. Apparently, only when Kirill dances Irish dances on it.
Expenses
Let's be honest - I want to put all the treasures of the world on these little pink heels. Any whim for our money. Our baby doesn’t go shopping yet and doesn’t have a drama club at the toy shelves, but it’s not easy to cope with his inner child. And why not make the little one smile once again and plunge into studying the gift with interest? And everyone is happy.
In addition to pleasant gaming expenses, there are necessary and everyday expenses. There is nothing fun about buying diapers, and the expense is not small at all. At times you wonder whether to buy something for yourself or a new special shampoo for your baby. The choice, of course, is in favor of the latter. This does not mean that you need to become an ascetic and live with the slogan “all the best for children.” But the shopping list changes significantly.
Relationship
A famous book about raising French children said - stay a couple. While we were expecting the baby, I thought that in our relationship, finding time “for ourselves” and feeling like a couple would not be difficult. I have to admit, I was wrong.
My wife and I are lucky - we always have a large support group at our disposal. Grandmothers, aunts, friends - there is always someone who can back up. In this regard, grandmothers are a special topic and a reason for a letter of gratitude.
But even with a reliable rear, with the arrival of the baby in the most ideal relationship There come days when you have to work on your relationship. My advice to you is to talk. Sometimes it’s enough to simply admit that the reason is lack of sleep, monotony, and fatigue. Sometimes just a hug is enough. I don’t want to play a hippie psychologist and preach peace, kindness and understanding, but I know for sure that when the woman you love turns into a frantic berserker, it is better to defend yourself than to attack. Just like in the famous advertisement - “Easier?” - you ask your spouse after the hug, “Easier,” answers the one in whose place a second ago the wild warrior was raging.
Instead of a conclusion
It may seem that the changes your child makes in your life will only bring problems. Indeed, there will be more responsibility, important decisions will be made more often. But these changes happen so naturally and smoothly that, without thinking about them specifically, you don’t even notice them.
But you realize that you have begun to understand topics that you had no idea about before. I began to take more photographs, sing, depict dinosaurs and musical instruments. It turns out that I remembered the words of songs from cartoons. You notice that you are constantly smiling, because it is impossible not to smile in response to a child’s smile. You realize that you have become more tolerant, kinder and more caring. And, no matter how banal it may sound, you definitely don’t think about the meaning of life.
Even before Styopa was born, I understood that I would need to pull myself together and put my life in order. In everyday life, one of the main changes for me was the appearance of a schedule. And you are not the one installing it. Styopa gets up at 6:00, which means everyone else gets up at 6:00 too. There was also a feeling that you need to set a good example: brush your teeth, look decent, do business, have fun playing outdoor games. And over time, this will need to be done constantly, because the child grows and repeats everything. But overall it wasn’t very traumatic: my lifestyle didn’t change much, except that I had to become a little more organized.
Do I miss old life? No, I don’t regret anything, I don’t miss anything. I no longer remember how we lived without our son. My father once gave me advice: don’t put it off important events for later. We are talking about creating a family, about the fact that with the advent of a wife and children, life does not end, as it often seems in youth, but is just beginning. But it is addressed, of course, not to young fathers, but rather to doubters. The fathers have already decided everything for themselves.
xxx: Reincarnation is complete nonsense.
yyy: Damn, I wish I knew for sure. The thought occurred to me that when a child is just born, he still retains memories of his past life for some time. He remembers and has some specific life experience. But he cannot say anything, because his body is not capable of speech. Well, now my son, who was a major financier in a past life, is trying to tell me: “DAD, INVEST YOUR MONEY IN KAZAKHTELECOM SECURITIES IMMEDIATELY!!! MERGE THE REAL ESTATE!!!”, but his two-month-old tongue does not obey and all that comes out is “AGUUUU, AGUUUUUUUUU !!!".
And then, when he can already speak, his whole past life is forgotten...
Yesterday I separated from my fiancée...
- And what happened?!
- You see, I decided to be completely honest with her... I told her that before
I had thirty-eight girls. She was silent... Then he told
that he had been taking drugs for eight years. She was silent... And when she became
talking about drinking and gangbangs - her eyes bulged...
-And she left?
- No... I just thought - life is so interesting... Why the hell do I need this?
bug-eyed fool?!!
No more than a couple of hours of sleep
No more than a couple of hours of sleep...
I just found out about this, it’s spring!
But what about love and hope then?
All this is nonsense, an empty dream...
No more than a couple of hours of sleep...
Signs of heaven for you tryn-grass,
You twist everyday life into a horn,
You just couldn’t contain your bitterness.
No more than a couple of hours of sleep...
Even a party is always more important
There necessary people, hot bodies,
You are dancing, and I am out of work.
No more than a couple of hours of sleep...
You're better off with friends when
Take me home
Headlights flash, hello, beauty!
Only you are both my life and my dream!
What does it mean to be in love?
A drop of moonlight will melt into the night...
The choice has been made, you can’t change it... Be silent...
My child (5 years old) asks me to buy her a new bow. I'm asking:
- Which?
SHE - It doesn’t matter, as long as the color is the same as for red cherry, but
blue.
I-? How is that?
SHE - Dad, don’t you understand! As for yellow orange, only
blue.
As it turned out later, the child asked for a purple bow, but, to my
Shame, I didn’t know the color was called that! Now free time I'm spending
with my daughter reading books.
Life is a wonderful moment when there is YOU.
Life is just a beautiful moment
Gifted by fate.
And the one who can appreciate it is
Who is endowed with happiness by an unknown hand.
When there is a creature nearby,
Idolized by you
You feel the magic
Comparable only to the ghostly moon.
When you take in his scent
in the silence of the night,
And you confess to infinity
your love.
When you catch a gentle glance,
And the whisper of the lips of relatives,
When there is no point in looking back,
There are no empty words.
When the whole world is at your feet,
When dreams come true
When there is only him
When there is only you.
The child does math.
First grade!!!
The creators of the textbooks have gone crazy already, problems with X's!!!
Well, yes... actually the story.
We sit and analyze the problem (my daughter and I):
- Well, you see - there are three X's - what is that? (hinting that these are unknown)
- Vin Diesel or what? - mysteriously and smiling, rejoicing at his guess,
said the daughter. :-)
This is how you understand mathematics...
When a child is born, he needs to be shown to a neurologist.
So that the said neurologist can immediately assess his chances of saving, with
birth sound, reason in our country, the other of which is the same as
known, no. In general, this should be done “by default” in the maternity hospital,
but... in our country... in general, the third neuropathologist turned out to be
a completely sane woman, communication with whom did not cause hidden
anxiety. Her name is Stella Anatolyevna. Not the most, frankly speaking, popular
Name. I received recommendations, picked up the phone, and made an appointment for the next appointment.
A month later. And so I’m calling. A month later.
- Stella Anatolyevna?
- Yes.
- Hello, we, so-and-so, agreed on... about...
- To me?
- To you. Well, remember, a month ago you came with the boy...
- To me with the boy?
- To you! Stella Anatolyevna!
- Yes!
- Is this a clinic?
- No. I am an accountant.
- ?!
When dialing the phone, I made a mistake in ONE DIGIT. So don’t believe in it after this
coincidences...
I would like to lightly touch the sky
And just snatch a star from the sky
The heart will only tremble slightly
I'll start missing you
Maybe I made a lot of mistakes
In your bright and dashing life
I have no strength not to listen to my heart
What keeps saying: “I want to be with you”
And on a dreary cloudless night
Falling asleep quietly in the darkness
I dream that I dream about you
In this bright uncontrollable dream
Even then maybe for a second
And maybe even two
With a mad heart shudder
I can touch you
I don't dream of anything anymore
I can only wait for the night
And in the morning when I wake up
My heart suddenly starts to groan
So days and weeks pass
And in the darkness there is only peace
The heart howls stronger and stronger
"I just wish I was next to you"
There's nothing I can do about it
My heart can't stop my appetite
The only thing left is probably
Just blame yourself and reproach yourself
Although there is no great use in that
Life leads on a straight path
The heart whispers with such melancholy
"I dream of always being with you"
As an afterword to this prayer
I would bring you a bouquet of roses
But I stand waiting humbly
When life goes downhill...
CYNICAL SCOP
Someday - maybe soon,
Or maybe in the next century
For example, a child is born
And he will call me dad.
And it’s not about chickenpox at all,
Or, let's say, not in diapers at all,
And in a strange, unchildish question:
“Why aren’t you a millionaire?”
This is a piece of cake for a child,
And for adults it’s excruciatingly painful,
They are also tormented by this question,
And the child waits attentively.
I'll take him by the scruff of the neck
And gently press it to the diaphragm
And as an alternative
I'll tell you a joke about sex.
Let this child will calm down
Having wondered about “this”,
Saving me from time trouble...
But why, in fact, am I bad?
Some Vanderbilts there,
Or the Rothschilds, be wrong with them,
Completely spared from torture
Get this question straight to the point.
And here you are hopelessly walking around,
To eat your bowl of stew,
To be, you know, a support
Such soulless children.
That's why I'm a businessman
I decided to give in for the sake of laughter,
To fly on airplanes often
And there are pineapples with caviar.
Then I'm a few thousand
I will buy a personal computer,
I'll give it to the stupid kid,
So that it grows up silently.
It's not new, but when this happens in life, you realize that our life
baaalshoy
joke:)
Situation. Stall type store a small amount of people, everyone
in a hurry.
A young mother comes in with her child, such a cute little girl
five.
A child with a large ice cream cone, all dirty and clearly thirsty.
The mother asks out of turn if they have juice in small bags.
Well people,
It’s clear that we are compassionate, we give the best to the children without waiting in line.
Further dialogue
between mother (M) and seller (P):
(M) - Do you have juice in small bags?
(P) - Yes, of course. Which one do you want?
(M) - How much is it, two rubles?
(P) - What are you talking about, nine rubles!
(M) - Nine!?? Then I'll have vodka for 21 rubles.
Everyone who stood nearby, the sellers and myself included, slid to the floor, dying from
laughter.
Baby 2008 (02:42:25 13/11/2008)
damn, I need to make a presentation on the topic “I choose life”, but I don’t know where I can get material and what should be on this topic...
Baby 2008 (02:42:29 13/11/2008)
Listen
Space woman (02:42:38 13/11/2008)
Yeah
Baby 2008 (02:42:38 13/11/2008)
Fantasy works well for you...
Space woman (02:42:44 13/11/2008)
It depends
Baby 2008 (02:42:51 13/11/2008)
don’t know what such a presentation could be about?
Space woman (02:52:22 11/13/2008)
The idea is this:
Scene one:
the inscription appears: "Red Square" close-up The chimes are shown, the time on them is exactly 3 days, then the camera slowly descends on some guy, he is walking, looking around, in short, he looks like a tourist...
Scene two:
the inscription appears: “Yuzhnoe Butovo three o’clock in the morning” the same guy is walking and a goofy-looking guy comes out to meet him, takes out a knife and approaches this tourist with the words “Trick or treat?” Well... this guy gives up his wallet, the guy turns around and leaves... And then the guy’s mug is shown in close-up, and he says: “I choose life”)
When I had my first child, everyone told me to keep it up.
When the 2nd child was born they said well done.
When my 3rd child was born, they asked me if I was a fool? how will I raise...
Now the fourth one has been born... everyone is just asking, “when will the fifth one be?”
Have relationships in your family changed since the birth of your first child? Many will answer this question unequivocally: “Yes.” Indeed, the birth of a baby cannot but have an impact on the family structure, the psychological atmosphere, the relationship between husband and wife, and other relatives.
Having conducted a survey among women who recently became mothers, I found out that the majority of them say that relationships with the advent of a child in their family have changed for the worse (55% of respondents), slightly fewer opinions are in favor of improving relationships (35%) and a small part respondents said that the relationship had not changed at all (10%). A survey among young fathers showed approximately the same picture: for the worse – 70%, for the better – 25%, no change at all – 5%.
Don’t rush to be sad, the third person in the family is not superfluous! This state of affairs is a completely normal picture. Let's look at the problem in order and start with the good.
Hooray! Now we are family
We gave birth to our Artemka together,” says Anna. - I immediately noticed in the postpartum ward how my husband had changed! Tired, but happy, we cried... My husband and I still love more each other. The baby gave us the right to be called a family! I read somewhere: if you didn’t get divorced after the birth of your child, it means love has settled in your home.
Our relationship has become a little better,” says Yulia. - We see a reflection of each other in the child. When I see how my husband deals with the child, I love him even more. Although it seems that there is nowhere else.
The girls are absolutely right, a real family is when there is a child. A baby in whom both mother's and father's features are reflected as in a mirror. “How your baby looks like his dad!” - the observant neighbor will say. "And beautiful like mom!" - a passerby will confirm. No nicer than words, because our children are an extension of ourselves.
Life does not pass in vain if someone in this world says “mom” to you! Modern psychologists also share this opinion. They note that motherhood has many beneficial effects on a woman. We become confident because we have achieved self-realization in life; your attitude towards life becomes more positive.
Scientists say that a woman who has had a child becomes smarter... Due to hormonal changes in her body, the size of cells in certain areas of the brain increases, which has a beneficial effect on its functioning. Yes, myself Small child and caring for him forces mommy to be smarter, more collected, and find solutions in the most unexpected situations.
Not only mothers experience beneficial changes in the body after the birth of a child. Fathers who take part in raising a child also change in better side. For example, brain function improves, especially those departments responsible for planning and memory.
Our husbands also undergo psychological changes. They are proud of their fatherhood, because it puts them several levels higher in society. Young fathers feel responsible for their baby and try to earn more money to provide for their family. They are imbued with respect for their soulmate, especially if they were at the birth.
The presence of the husband at the birth brings couples closer together. But I would like to make a reservation that we are talking about such participation for which the couple specially prepared, attended partner childbirth courses, and, if necessary, consulted with a psychologist.
It used to be believed that raising children affects the psyche of women much more than the psyche of men. But recent research into men's experiences has shown that fatherhood affects men just as much as motherhood affects women.
The first serious test for a young family is the birth of a child. If you have been married for several years before having offspring, it will be easier to survive difficulties, but no one will guarantee one hundred percent success either. As my small sociological research shows, a fairly large percentage of women tend to believe that the birth of a baby has improved their relationship with their husband. This does not mean that there are no problems in their family at all, but rather that they look at them from a positive point of view.
If we talk about relationships, our relationship has become stronger, says Maria, my husband has become more courteous, because he sees that I am tired. And I began to be more attentive to my husband, because I see how he strains himself at work for our sake. But at the same time, we feel the load on our shoulders, which is why there are “swearing” and misunderstandings, which almost never happened before. If we talk about life in general, then, of course, ours has changed dramatically! Well, maybe not so cool for my husband, but definitely for me! You spend the whole day at home, there is almost no time for yourself, minimal communication, sleepless nights, and so on. The birth of a child in a family is a great test, very difficult, but at the same time so pleasant...
The birth of a child brought a lot of new things to our family,” says Sergei. - A lot, a lot of good, joyful and bright things. But there are no less problems. I try to smooth out the unpleasant moments, I understand how difficult it is for my wife with the baby, I myself have not yet recovered from the birth. I think that over time everything will get better, we will learn to live in a new capacity - as parents.
Parents who raise children with a spouse have a lower risk of depression compared to those who raise children alone, psychologists say. There is no doubt about it. It’s easier to endure difficulties together, the main thing is not to create them for each other.
If the crisis has come
According to statistics, many couples break up in the first two to three years after the birth of a child. In general, every second couple experiences divorce. Why? After all, it would seem that the birth of a child makes the family complete. What is the reason for the misunderstanding between spouses? Maybe this is due to excessive male pride or female incontinence? I think everything is not so clear...
The relationship became simply terrible,” says Ekaterina. “It’s not easy for me to talk about this and admit it, but our relationship is terrible. Every day there is a quarrel, someone is dissatisfied with someone else, and then the mother-in-law adds fuel to the fire. To be honest, I sometimes think about divorce, but then I look at the child and understand that I don’t want to deprive him of a full-fledged family.
After the birth of our daughter, my husband and I began to quarrel often,” says Anastasia. - We have different views on education and attitude towards the child. We argued so much that when Masha was one year old, we divorced. He already has another woman. I regret that I couldn’t save my family...
I remember that I used to be surprised how it was like this: they got married, were so happy, and then a child was born, and they separated,” says Alicia. I couldn’t understand or accept this. Now I understand that the birth of a child is a test of family strength. I'm glad we stuck it out. Our relationship has, of course, changed. A new leader has appeared in the family and at the same time the center of the universe.
First about dad
This is how Uncle Benjamin Spock sees this problem and its solution: “Deep down in his soul, a husband may feel superfluous (as a little boy sometimes feels rejected when he learns about his mother’s pregnancy). Outwardly, this hidden feeling manifests itself in irritability towards his wife, the desire to spend evenings with friends outside the home, courting other women, while the wife finds herself deprived of her husband’s support precisely at the time when she needs it most, when a new, unfamiliar stage of her life begins.”
The great pediatrician of all times shows us that the period of the birth of a baby in a family is difficult not only for his mother, but also for his father. He writes: “Coming to the maternity hospital to visit his wife and child, the husband does not feel like the head of the family - for the staff he is just another visitor... The time comes to bring the family home, but the wife (like the grandmother or other assistants) is only worried about the child, and again the husband plays mainly the role of porter."
After such words you understand your husband. Why and why sometimes he behaves completely wrong. It simply says resentment and jealousy that now he is not needed, as if he had fulfilled his duty and is now free.
All the attention hitherto directed at the husband is now given to the child,” Pavel shares his impressions of fatherhood. - By the way, for girls the calling “MOTHER” is much more significant than “WIFE”. Therefore, the husband fades into the background.
For the first six months, I couldn’t realize that in addition to my wife, I had a child,” says Arkady. “Then I had to pull myself together. From the feelings - immediately after the maternity hospital, a feeling of gratitude. A little later - a small offense. Then the resentment went away. There was no time to be offended; I had to raise the child.
Benjamin Spock suggests actively including your husband in the process of preparing for childbirth and caring for the baby. Spouses can visit a doctor together, go to consultations and classes to prepare for childbirth. If your husband wants to be present at the birth, do not refuse him. It is not possible to initiate the future father into all the mysteries of the birth of an heir.
For example, my husband limited himself to helping me in the prenatal ward; then I remained surrounded by doctors and obstetricians. After our baby was born and cried, he was invited back to me, or rather, to us... The medical staff congratulated the new dad, the midwife seriously talked about how the birth went, the pediatrician said that the baby was healthy and it was time to wash him, measure and wrap in the first garment. My husband was invited to take part in the examination of our son, where he took the first photographs of the heir.
I never stop telling my husband words of gratitude for his support in Hard time. Then in the prenatal ward I really needed him: we sang, and puffed, and jumped when the contraction was going on... I think such an active participation in childbirth brought us together even more, set the stage for further family life in the right, benevolent direction.
In the future, I also tried to involve my husband in caring for the baby. Sometimes it was purely symbolic, but it was very important for the atmosphere in the family. In the first days, the task of changing our baby’s diaper baffled our dad, and the process dragged on. But over time, everything began to work out for him; this gave him a reason to be proud in front of his acquaintances and friends. Like a seasoned expert, he shared his observations of his son with mothers on the playground, taught the young and inexperienced, but, of course, as a joke...
And now about mom
Without special attention and there is no way for a young mother to care. Moreover, the husband’s concern should not be limited only to making money. Good words, a bouquet of flowers just like that, help with housework and child care - sometimes this is enough to keep a strong family together.
"The husband must constantly remember that his wife has a much more difficult time than he, especially after returning home from the maternity hospital. Her body has experienced fundamental physiological and hormonal changes. If this is their first child, then the wife cannot but feel serious concern. The child constantly demands from without enormous nervous and physiological stress: To give a lot mental strength child, she should receive increased care and attention from her husband,” these golden words belong to our beloved Benjamin Spock.
The birth of a child in my family was definitely stressful, and even very strong,” says Dmitry. - And here it is very important not to withdraw into yourself, but to talk through all the problems that arise... An abstract understanding that during this period it is very difficult for a woman is not enough. And maybe I’m wrong, but it is the man who bears the very responsibility that everyone talks about... Only, as a rule, they talk about “responsibility for the wife and child,” but here the responsibility for precisely those very things is also important relationship...
I must say, the men settled down well,” says Konstantin. - A woman carries a child for nine months, then gives birth to him in agony, and then she wipes his snot, changes diapers, does not sleep at night... I love and feel sorry for my wife. I try to help her in everything with the child, not only in words, but also in deeds. If possible, I would sit at home with her and our six-month-old son. But the world is designed in such a way that a man needs to go to work.
In addition to all other difficulties, you also need to remember about “postpartum depression” (or “baby blues syndrome”), which, like a bolt from the blue, falls on poor women after the birth of a child. It would seem that we should rejoice: here he is, the long-awaited beloved baby! Healthy, cheerful: but no, the young mother is crying for something, shedding tears, getting upset. According to statistics, every tenth woman giving birth is susceptible to deep postpartum depression, which can last up to a year. Most often these are women 25-45 years old.
Here you definitely need to be aware of the matter in order to safely survive the gloomy period. Doctors say that it’s all about the unstable position of hormones, restructuring of the body, and so on. But I know from myself that the very fact of the birth of a first child is a great shock for a woman. This has definitely never happened to you before! The sensations are, to say the least, impressive... The experience makes your hair stand on end. And I don’t mean physical pain and fear, although that exists too, I’m talking about the psychological feeling. To show this world a new person, a real living person - that’s the point! Here you can get not only depression, but temporary clouding of your mind.
Your first helpers when postpartum depression sets in are your husband and loved ones. They must clearly understand the nature of your anxiety, unreasonable crying and fears. Under no circumstances should you scold and reproach a poor woman for being overly worried, twitching at every occasion and crying. Treat the young mother with understanding, if you can’t calm her down, then at least don’t escalate the situation yourself, keep silent once again... Remember, this condition is completely normal, and it will pass soon.
At the same time, a young mother herself should not fall into universal sadness and grief. Try to control yourself as much as possible. If it is within your power, try not to lash out at your husband for minor offenses. Sometimes the fatigue accumulated during the day makes us uncontrollable and irritable, but this is not a reason to swear and quarrel with loved ones.
Expert opinion
We will entrust the summary of today’s conversation to specialist Olga Vladimirovna Kuznetsova, psychologist, teacher at the Pedagogical Institute. A short quick interview will bring together everything that has been said today and will provide guidance for a cloudless future of family life.
Olga Vladimirovna, in your opinion, what is the reason? family crisis after the birth of the child?
When a baby appears in the family, everything concentrates on him. Mom gives him her love, affection and care. And in this situation, dad may feel useless. He may feel that he is forgotten and abandoned, that he is given little love and care. And here the situation can develop in two ways.
The first way to develop relationships: a new “baby” will appear in the house. It is our dad who begins to “be capricious”, or simply avoids the place where “he is no longer loved.” In this situation, the mother remains the strongest. The psychological situation in such a house is unfavorable. And for the baby it is very important. Although he does not understand words yet, he picks up intonation very well.
In general, under no circumstances should you use a child for your own purposes “to strengthen the family” or “to keep your husband.” It is unacceptable to shift responsibility for one’s actions and mistakes onto a small, defenseless child, or to dump one’s problems on him. Only the spouses themselves are responsible for them, both of them.
The second way: a real adult appears in the house self-sufficient man who looks at things sensibly, without illusions, and is ready to be strong. His love for the baby and for the mother helps him; he understands that in this situation the baby needs more care than he does. And my mother really needs his support and help. And in order not to be alone with himself or with his “abandonment,” such a dad begins to HELP. And after a while he feels that he is very needed, that he is very loved and expected.
In general, in life it is best to get rid of negative thoughts, starting to do something, and better help those who need help. Inner satisfaction from good done is the best medicine.
How to solve this problem?
There are no universal techniques. Each family has its own problems and its own reasons; each family is individual and unique. In complex cases, it is necessary to understand each specific situation. In general, we can say the following: the birth of a child is a test for any relationship, and how the family passes this test depends on both the husband and the wife. If the relationship between husband and wife is built on love, mutual respect, and trust, then such a test will only strengthen it. Loving spouses support each other without demanding anything in return.
Remember:
- If there is a quarrel between you, put yourself in your spouse’s place. Sometimes this is enough to reconsider the conflict and find its solution;
- do not quarrel with your husband in front of strangers, even if you are right. Can't resist? Show your dissatisfaction silently with your eyes, so that only he can see. Women can do this;
- try to speak according to the “I-message” scheme. That is, express your complaints in this form: “I think that you are wrong!”, and not categorically: “You are wrong!”;
- relatives and friends should not interfere in your relationship, impose themselves and indicate how to care for the child; in the end, responsibility for everything will fall on you;
- Don't add fuel to the fire. Try to reduce the conflict to nothing as soon as possible;
- you can also be wrong, despite the fact that it is more difficult for you;
- this is your husband, and you yourself chose him, which means there is something good in him for which you love him. Try not to forget about the positive aspects of your married life.
Anna Kuznetsova
Discussion
What is wrong with this Spock, that he is a great pediatrician... a fool understands that there are others, they simply cited his theory as an example... a person who reads the article will not use it as a panacea... this is one of the opinions and it has the right to exist. The essence of the article is to support young families and this is much more important!!! And the Gipenreiter experts would write their own article!!! Why be smart...
The article is good, but if only it were that simple. My husband doesn't want to be involved family matters. He believes that he makes money - and that is all he contributes. The child is 1.5 years old. The hardest part is over. But there was nothing left of our relationship with my husband. He doesn’t want to help me. “Taking care of a child is a woman’s job,” he believes. I say help me, I will free up time that I can devote to you. But he doesn't want to. He says, let's hire a nanny. But this sounds like a threat. Because he would hire a “nanny” for himself. (We had an argument about how long I could hold out without asking for a nanny). And I don’t want a stranger in the house. My husband never loved me (but he didn’t cheat on me either, it seems to me), I got used to it and took it for granted. Now I feel sorry for myself. I live for myself and my child. I take care of my husband. But I would like to have a man in the house, and not a small child “playing on the computer all evening,” who would share my worries and allow me to share him.
I wrote it to understand my life. And it doesn’t make me feel any better that someone else has the same problems.
21.11.2006 10:39:58, GulChataiYou know, I read the reviews here and realized that everything here is about me. With only one difference: I don’t know why, but I had the strength not to give up, but to fight on.
After giving birth, everyone just abandoned me, to their shame. I slept 2 hours a day for two months. She did everything herself: washing, ironing, diapers, cooking, feeding, cleaning, walking, bathing, dressing, washing dishes, mopping the floors... The list goes on and on! I really wanted to get a divorce. My first epiphany was my husband’s words: “stop pretending to be a mother-heroine!” I remember that I was terribly offended and didn’t talk to him for several days. And then I realized that no one needed my exploits. If I didn’t have the strength to wash the dishes, I didn’t wash them, and the mountain remained in the sink until the morning - my husband still had to wash it. I couldn’t hang the laundry, I didn’t hang it, I couldn’t wash it, I didn’t wash it. And the husband himself began to delve into economic affairs - he had to live. If you have nothing to wear, you need to wash it and hang up your clothes. I began to actively involve my husband in taking care of the child, even if something didn’t work out for him, I praised him, despite the fact that I wanted to hit him with something heavy and scream. He began to bathe the baby, walk with him, change diapers. To help around the house: at first a little, then more. I began to talk to him calmly, and not shout as before, I said in an even voice that this and that was hard for me, please do it! The struggle was not easy and is still ongoing from time to time, sometimes I really wanted to give up and give up everything!
And now all our affairs are divided in half, and not into purely female and male.
And believe it or not, I practically defeated a very demanding child (I woke up at least 6 times a night) and a husband who, after the birth of the baby, became, without exaggeration, just a squared egoist!
The simplest thing is simply not to solve the problem: get a divorce, pretend to be a victim of your family, a walking sense of duty, and so on. Or you can take your will into your fist, and slowly (even a millimeter per hour), but surely move towards your goal - creating real family, where everyone supports each other, loves each other and enjoys being around each other, and not watching TV alone while the wife turns herself inside out.
And yet, no one says that you should stay at home with your child within four walls, and only go out to the neighboring park. I began to feel like a person after we started visiting with the child, going to cafes and shops. After all, now many things are equipped for strollers, cafes have high chairs for children, shops have seats for wheelchairs, and it is not forbidden to take a stroller on the subway. And about any infection: we vaccinate the children, feed them breast milk(immunity from the mother), you don’t have to travel with children when there is a particular crowd of people. Live and enjoy life, fight and you will succeed!
And in the end, I would like my review not to be perceived as bragging - like everything is great with me. This is far from true. Everyone has problems. But we must solve them and not give up. This is precisely why motherhood is given to women, because they are more attentive, patient and enduring than men (just don’t be offended).
I would really like the author of the second message to read my review. It so happens that I am in almost a similar situation. just not in Ukraine, but here in Moscow. Everyone has the same problems, but there are two solutions: either build or break. Dear dskorr. you love it, and probably your wife too. after all, this is how they were born!!! this is most likely the accumulated fatigue over the entire previous time from the moment of conception. Not even tension, but relaxation. You (I mean your family) carried, gave birth, looked after and cared for. all this requires enormous efforts on your part, materially, on the part of your wife - everyday life, children. I don't estimate which is more difficult. everyone worked. Now the child has become a little more independent, you subconsciously feel that you already have the right and want attention to yourself. But it is impossible to change the situation and change your life in one day or night. You are ripe for change. This is a protest. In my opinion, you need to start working. Only you and your wife should come first, because we love the child. no matter how difficult your mother is. position. get out and find time for two. through fatigue. Hire a nanny, anyone you trust can fill this role, even a neighbor; nothing will happen to the child in 1-2 hours. Build your rest and entertainment together. and let the wife go to work. Life will become more interesting for her, the burden of household chores will no longer be so burdensome, and it will be easier for you financially. You will simply have something to talk about, besides what new things your baby has done. And also find a family psychologist. Be sure to talk to your wife, she must understand what exactly is wrong with you. start helping her in everyday life, as much as you can and don’t forget about small signs of attention (dinner, flowers, etc.) you need to work on preserving the family if you care about it. don’t be afraid to give your love. and no one promised easy ways after birth . yes and strong families they are not just saved. Love and be loved.
and wish me luck. I really want to return my husband’s love and live and raise my daughter with her dad.
Well, don’t be so pessimistic. Go out on the weekend to a park where there are children’s attractions, watch children 3-4 years old - they are already independent individuals, it’s interesting to be with them!!! The first year is always difficult, a lot depends on financial situation in the family and on the age of the parents, and of course, on the character of the child. But everything will pass, the child will grow up and everything will work out. Love and support each other, the easiest way is to separate(
But what, except for one pediatrician of the last century, no one else talked about these problems??? Somehow, in my opinion, this is not the most main man on this issue... And the “I-statement” or “message” does not imply the pronoun you at all. Nowhere. Neither at the beginning of a phrase, nor in the middle, nor at the end. At least read Gippenreiter...
You know, I want to reassure desperate young parents. From my own experience I know that 1 year is the most difficult. Then, believe me, it will be better. The child will be more independent, adults will be able to devote more time to each other, and the quality of relationships will also change. Dad becomes interested in raising a child. Mom will be able to devote some time to herself. Good luck to all young parents!!!
Do you know what advice I want to give? married women about to have a baby? Get a divorce as soon as possible before giving birth, so as not to have to do it after. And one can only envy the unmarried: they will calmly raise the baby, and not twitch and cry at night because their husband is ABSOLUTELY indifferent to you, the child, and your half-dead state. Well, of course, caring for one child is much easier than caring for a husband as well. Or are you waiting for help from a man? Can't wait! The only one who can help a woman after childbirth is her mother, and if there is no such helper, then you should rely only on yourself. Or try to save money and hire a housekeeper at least for the first months of the baby’s life - unlike your husband, she will really make your life easier.
Before the birth of my child, I lived with my husband for 3 years, considered him an ideal partner, and would never have thought that I would write such harsh and bitter reviews. But, honestly, after everything I’ve been through, I dream of being a single mother for my daughter. Ask why I didn't get divorced? And there was nowhere to go! As, in fact, it still is.
And one more thing: one entertaining story on the topic of “children and husbands.” One of my friends, whom my husband treated after giving birth with the same “attention” and “respect” as he did to me, decided to endure everything and forgive everything. But when the child was already 7 years old, the husband came home from work one day and reacted with irritation to some problem related to the child that his wife shared with him. Like, figure it out yourself! Then the wife immediately remembered everything that had happened during these 7 years and threw a frying pan at her husband. Cast iron. It’s good that he managed to hide behind the door, otherwise my friend would have been sitting there right now. And so she just lost her door (it was broken through by a frying pan) and her husband. But if this woman regrets anything, it is the loss of the door.
All the best to you, non-divorced mothers. Take heart!
Once again I quarreled with my wife... I left her to spend the night at work. I got drunk on beer (I don't drink). Sitting. I'm crying, waiting for this to end. Where to look for help, how to deal with this. I found this article on the net. I felt better, I even had a desire to call my beloved, have a heart-to-heart talk, in order to find common mutual effort in the future and not bring the relationship to the “Battle of Stalingrad.” What can I say? If men are reading, I would like to reassure them now in a purely masculine way and support families who find themselves in a similar situation. Speaking about myself is a complex problem, and for me this is the first time on such a “scale”. I'm 20, my wife is older. The pregnancy was extremely difficult: three pregnancies, difficult childbirth, etc.. During these 9 months, she was a different person for me (which, by the way, I will remember for the rest of my life, this period of a fluffy, kind, holy, period of “knocking” with my piece). I love my wife very much, and I reacted with a “more or less” concept to the lack of sex during this period, and even more so during the difficult bearing of a child. A son was born. I'm exhausted at work for days, plus studying. The wife has been at home from the first month of pregnancy to this day. After giving birth, the situation began to cover the relationship and our family like an avalanche. I began to hide from the “invisible horror”, began to stay late at work until the end, and called less often. I became out of control. I am very happy, I was looking forward to it and I am incredibly happy about the birth of my dear son. But psychologically this avalanche, this mass of emotions was impossible to overcome. Over a period of almost 8 months, the number of “times in bed” can be counted on one hand. But not only that, this is ABSOLUTELY not the same as it was just a year ago (although, I admit, it was great for both of us a couple of times)... The problem is the same - passivity, no desire to have sex with the wife. In my heart I understand everything. My son gets up several (or even eight!) times during the night - changing diapers, breastfeeding. I’m on the bed next to you - I’m suffering, I’m not getting enough sleep. In the morning, my son is like a swallow. Seven in the morning (or even six!) - games, mobility and activity. It’s difficult for my wife, just like I didn’t get enough sleep. I have to go to work, leave my son to my wife. She only has half an hour to wash her face and do her morning toilet. Breakfast - and until the evening meeting. She (I feel sorry for her as a human being) is with her son all day long. Walking outside doesn't make up for being surrounded by four walls for the second year in a row. In the evening, I come exhausted, and it only takes an hour to have a snack and rest. The time is evening to bathe the child and put him to bed (the process also takes at least half an hour). And so the “system” works for a week. It turns out that I don’t see my wife (myself), she is always with the child. It's great! And I want to be with the child, to be with my family. But we are not TOGETHER with my wife, we cannot devote enough time to each other, we cannot relax. I MISS THIS. The only thing is after they put the child to bed - half-whispered dialogues in the kitchen, both sitting as if “half dead”. Not with an evil eye, I look today into the prospect of the child growing up - I don’t see anything there that is comforting for the two of us yet. The child will grow. More attention will be needed (our sweetheart is already beginning to use her first skills of movement and literacy). Accordingly, we will also be more tired. The wife is going to work when the child is one year old (I can understand her - the cry of the soul from four walls and a closed world, mirrored everyday life, etc.). But this also does not change the situation. Today the thought that my family is no exception cleared my breath a little... But there is no certainty that I will return home and the world will be different...
My personal suggestions are to meet me from work on the street in a stroller, for a walk (although I come with all my might, but slowly, talk, walk, the desire to be here, the three of us, turns out to be stronger than physical capabilities). The second thing is, if I come late and the walk doesn’t work out - bathing the child together, father’s care so that the mother can rest. Although these half an hour at most do not save, in fact. It may be necessary to reconsider your approach and spending time on the weekends. Indeed, to send my beloved wife shopping, to the cinema, to the pool somewhere, or to come up with something else... Thus, I am depriving me (we) of spending time with a “duet”, which is very necessary, but I am sure that after my wife’s short-term release from maternal worries, when she can definitely think about something of her own (unlike when we are together, she thinks about how to get back to the child as soon as possible and Lyon doesn’t start crying there at grandma’s while we are shopping), this will provide her with at least a couple of days in advance with “restraint”, when he will not be so irritated with me because of fatigue, he will control himself and will somehow be able to generally unwind. In general, what can I say? You can write a lot and for a long time, everything is not easy. What is needed is will, balance, restraint, patience, courage, strength, love, and a charge of energy. It’s natural to try to use this entire “arsenal” skillfully, and just when “the opportunity arises” (and not, as always, “the time comes”) to completely discharge it, either with a bath with foam, a massage, relaxation with candles, or just by hiding together under a blanket and hugging and understand the truth of strong family love, which in fact is still undoubtedly present under the “avalanche of problems and worries”...
