Here's how you would look at this situation:
I have cousin(Anton). He and I have always been very friendly. We've had it since childhood funny company: me, my older sister, and another cousin (now she lives far away). We have been hanging out together since childhood, communicating, without conflicts. In short, they were friends all the time, and when they got married, they also did not lose touch and communication with each other.
We are still the whole family, my mother, her sister, brother and their children (we), and our families and children gather at the dacha for the weekend once every 2-3 months. These are our traditional meetings that everyone loves, and those who can always come.
Then a few years later he married a second time. Everyone liked my wife (Nastya) too, it seems they even became friends with her at first. But we began to notice that Nastya somehow, imperceptibly but surely, began to “discourage” Antokha from communicating with all his relatives.
To our family holidays, meetings, birthdays, we call them, but they don’t want to (she always has some reason), and Anton doesn’t go either, because he doesn’t want to leave her alone. Then she was pregnant, so Anton didn’t leave the house at all except for work, he was with her all the time, and she didn’t go anywhere to visit. Then their son was born, they didn’t show him to us for a long time, because she was afraid again. When the baby was six months old, it was finally possible to meet them on a walk and look at him. She didn’t let the grandmother (Anton’s mother) near the child.
Then they changed their apartment to a larger one, and she insisted on taking an apartment on the other side of the city, away from all her husband’s relatives. So he has to travel very far to work, but now Nastya is happy.
Our children also practically don’t know that brother, they’ve only seen him a couple of times.
For example, in the summer it was my mother’s anniversary, all the relatives gathered with the children. Many came from other cities. Anton and Nastya were personally invited. But she never showed up, Anton arrived for a couple of hours, she started calling him, and he got ready and went home. And so it is in everything. All the time there are some excuses, they can’t come, you can’t come to visit them, you can’t go for a walk with the children, etc. I also stopped visiting my mother, very rarely, also because my wife is unhappy.
As for Nastya herself, her situation is such that she (even before her wedding with Anton) had a quarrel with her family. And I ended my relationship with them. And he doesn’t communicate with them at all, doesn’t show the child. And now does she really want her husband to have no relatives left either? Why does she need this?
Good night, I can’t stand it anymore, I decided to ask for help here... In short, my husband’s relatives are already sick of me. I just want to leave everything and go somewhere far away... and now, in order... Almost 2 years ago I moved in with my husband (at that time future), his mother really insisted that we live together, so that he would not travel back and forth from his city to me. And so it happened that we started living in one of his parents’ apartments (by the way, they live in the apartment opposite). At first, everything seemed to be calm, I maintained relations with his relatives (parents, uncle, aunt, brother, cousins), but under New Year 1 incident occurred. His parents wanted us to celebrate New Year's Eve together at their place. I was against it, because... I wanted to be alone with my beloved man. Gritting my teeth, I had to follow the lead and spend the entire holiday with his parents. Then a fun life began... There is no specific moment, but his mother began to look askance at me and spoke unpleasantly. In the end, when we were visiting them, his mother, having drunk a little, offended me so much that I freaked out, got up and left. My beloved supported and intervened, but the resentment remained inside me for a long time. Next, we decided to legalize the relationship and started talking about the wedding. Everything was calm on the part of my parents. “Tell me how much money you need, we’ll give it, help you organize it, etc.” On the part of his parents, it went away, “Why do you need a wedding, it’s too early. We won’t give you money. You need to get married when both are confidently on their feet.” (by the way, we both worked, yes, it wasn’t always enough, but we learned to manage money wisely) As a result, my parents came to sort things out with his parents. We decided to postpone the wedding a few months. After these few months, the situation repeated itself. My parents said, “It’s up to you, either follow the lead, or get married/sign and don’t pay attention.” We rescheduled it again. Then there was a difficult period, I left work and sat at home for some time. To which his mother said that there would be no wedding until I find a job. And so, 1.5 years after I moved, we finally got married... But it turns out that it didn’t end there. I thought that at least after the wedding they would leave us alone and let us live our lives, but that was not the case... His dad takes the position that we should be a big and friendly family. His mother mentioned that there can be many wives, but only one mother and family. If there is some kind of holiday, then we must go and be there, otherwise they will be offended at us. If his brother and his girlfriend want to spend time with us, then please drop everything and go for a walk/talk with them. But I’m not interested... When we’re with his relatives, I withdraw into myself, I feel like a stranger. For me, “sit and drink beer” is not normal, not interesting. Accordingly, I am always against this. They are offended that I am “unsociable,” but I can’t tell them to their faces that they are not on my level, not the contingent with whom I am pleasant and interested? I understand that relatives and parents are not chosen, but why should I live their life? I married one husband, but it turns out that I married all his relatives... We talked with my husband, I made it clear (repeatedly) that the family is WE, and everyone else should step aside at least a little. I don’t demand complete alienation... I just don’t have enough personal time and space. I just got hysterical, I miss my husband. I want to spend time with him alone, but he is constantly being pulled somewhere. What should I do? I’m already tired of all this, I just can’t breathe... Sometimes I don’t even open the door because I’m disgusted with this “camp”.
You say to be kinder, etc., that I am an ungrateful daughter-in-law... Why should I be grateful? The fact that every time we are reproached for living in an apartment belonging to his father, but against the fact that our beloved son moved to my city (fortunately, there is a regional center and living space), or rented an apartment (there was a conversation, they see were offended).
You wrote “to be independent”, but in what ways are we not independent? We paid for the wedding ourselves, we live on our own money, we don’t sit on anyone’s neck.
Is OUR family's personal life too much?
In my opinion, either I did not fully illuminate the whole problem, or you misunderstood me.
His mother demands a lot of attention from herself, her brother and others. Either go fix the socket, then help one or the other, or just come in and chat because... I'm bored...
In my opinion, it is not normal for a mother-in-law to constantly interfere with the life of a young family. And she doesn’t want to understand that she needs to step aside.
And I’ll also add… regarding the “contingent”:
The husband is different from them. He doesn’t drink, he’s not a fan of speaking out “strongly” and “laughing” at stupid jokes. In my family (where I was born) and in the present one (with my husband), it is not customary to yell at each other, “curse”, etc.
Good morning.
Lydia, 1) I am a rather gentle person by nature, I cannot be rude, very often I cannot say “no”. For those around me, whether at work, visiting, etc., I prefer restraint, perhaps even trying to please in some way.
But when what accumulates in the soul has already reached a certain limit, then either one simply gives up, or quarrels begin with or without reason with the husband (I know that this is wrong, but I begin to find fault with little things, my negativity looks for a way out and finds only in close person)
You see, the mother-in-law sometimes says nasty things, then makes excuses later, saying “I love you all.” But I can’t accumulate emotions in myself forever... I don’t know where to put them, I can’t and don’t want to quarrel with her openly. She explained to her husband that perhaps this is how jealousy manifests itself. She asked him to answer calls at least once in a while, or to go see her. It’s impossible, after all, every day wants attention, every day takes up quite a lot of time, despite the fact that we may have some plans of our own... I probably can’t describe everything that happened... it’s just that there seems to be a lot of it in our life. And now, I’m about to leave work, I understand that o5 questions will begin: “Why doesn’t she go to work, why can’t you hear the door opening and closing (and I’m not slandering this, these are precisely the expressions that were repeatedly expressed to my husband in my absence) “I’m tired of her, of the constant control of our lives, of the fact that my husband is torn between us (he also can’t run back and forth all the time). I tried to delve into myself and look for the reason for such dislike for her... maybe I’m just bored for my own parents and, not being able to see them often, this is how I react to my mother-in-law and her excessive care.
And the last straw was this... We were getting ready to go on vacation, hadn’t yet decided where to go, and my mother-in-law replied, “We’ll all go together”... well, I don’t want to do that... I, too, as a child, went somewhere with my parents every summer, but that was in childhood .
2) Work gets in the way. It’s easier for me to find there, I have friends and a specialty in the arts. And he has a working specialty. My dad offered to help with work, but my husband doesn’t want to (in his family, dad claims that a man should achieve everything in life himself, without the help of anyone).
Plus, the husband wants to feel like the owner of the house, but he is not comfortable “on my territory” (here there is 1 room and we are alone, and there there are 4 people, but with my grandmother). My parents offered to move in with them, but this is not an option, because... My brother and his wife live with them.
Those. Of course, it would be more pleasant for me to live in my own city, but I also need to take into account my husband’s opinion, I don’t want to put him in a situation like I have now.
And lastly...his mom will be offended. When they wanted to rent, there was a quarrel, the answer was that there was somewhere to live, etc. As a result, they remained (and even made repairs)
3) No, not always. When I get emotional, at first I don’t perceive anyone, after I’ve cooled down a little, I think about everything that was said and draw my own conclusions. My opinion does not remain categorical, it naturally changes, but after some time.
Goal: hear options for solutions to my situation. Of course, if I fundamentally disagree with an expert, I will write, but no “cons” or other stupid actions. Everyone has their own opinion.
How can I painlessly “tear” my husband away from my mother (or my mother from her husband)? Something else scares me... she has an older son (27 years old), so she takes care of him just as obsessively... I'm afraid that this could continue until he's 40, or even longer.
How can I make it clear that husband and wife are a family, their own little world... (her words that there can be many wives, but only one mother (family) really hurt her)
You see, I don’t want to swear, I don’t want to make a scandal... Of course, it’s easier for me to remain silent and convey it through my husband, because... he still knows mom better.
But I also think it’s wrong to let parents into some personal space (questions like: when will there be children, why not yet (down to how they should be done, on what days, etc... sorry for such details). Why my husband it’s so late, where did he go, when will he return, how with work, where do you spend money and all sorts of advice on “how best to do it”).
Egorova Lyudmila Zakharovna, I did not show any negativity towards his family. Yes, it was unpleasant to celebrate the holiday not the way I wanted, not with those with whom it was planned, but I still know how to behave anywhere.
A lot of things affected me that day. From obsessive attempts to pour me alcohol (which I don’t like and don’t drink), and when I refused, they looked at me as strange... to drunken conversations about how I was too stubborn, capricious, too demanding of her son, and much more.
She was brought to tears, then for some time they did not communicate at all, her husband also did not come to her. Incl. Because of “gritting my teeth” there could not have been such a further reaction, I think.
Regarding quarrels:
I don’t put my husband in such an aggressive mood. I can talk, explain, convey what I would like. I do not forbid communication with any of his relatives, but I ask you to limit this communication.
He doesn’t mind, but he’s under pressure from his parents. He rushes from me to my mother, so as not to offend any of us. But this is wrong, it seems to me. In the first place should be his own family, wife, future children, but it turns out that he is neither there nor there.
As for being categorical, I draw conclusions after talking with people.
In the family where I grew up, upbringing, education, intelligence, etc. these are undeniable values. In his family, the main thing is work. Hence the categoricalness... The parents did not give 1 of their 2 sons an education, the father let them go on “independent sailing” and does not participate in their lives, all this is compensated by the mother’s care (I repeat, excessive).
So it turns out that having created a family, we also have to educate our husband, because... He does not intend to work in a mine all his life.
Yes, we have different upbringings, different views on him, but I don’t treat them as “second-class”. I make it clear that I am not interested in sitting and drinking beer, rubbing bones with my neighbors. I’m interested in my man, we have something to talk about in private, but this time is sorely lacking.
I want personal time and space for our family. Yes, I don’t mind going and congratulating my relatives on the holidays, but we can also have our own plans for this or that day, or am I wrong in wanting to isolate my family from others to some extent?
Many married women do not find mutual understanding with the relatives of their spouses for a variety of reasons. In one case, the reason for difficulties in relations with the husband's relatives is the complex character of the wife herself. The other is the selfishness of the father-in-law, mother-in-law and their children. It also happens that the obvious reasons for the lack of mutual understanding cannot be immediately identified, and therefore it is difficult to find ways out of an unpleasant situation.
This article discusses life situation married woman, on whom her husband’s relatives put pressure, imposing their desires on her and expecting her to do exactly what they tell her. A frightened woman has no idea what to do or how to improve relations with her man’s family. Read her post to understand what exactly is going on in her life at the moment.
Hello. I would like to ask for advice. My husband and I were going to baptize our son. We’ve been going for 2 months now and still nothing - either my son was sick or my mother. We went to see her. Then the godmother (wife of her husband’s brother) couldn’t. In general, I didn’t want to take her as godfather, we don’t have any better relationship. The godmother was supposed to be a friend with whom I have been friends for more than 10 years. She loves my son like her own. But all my husband’s relatives went against me - grandmother, mother, brother, well, everyone there.
And the other day I called my godmother, whom everyone wants, and asked me to baptize my son over the weekend. What I heard in response amazed me - swearing, humiliation addressed to me. “We have been waiting for you, now you will wait for us,” is our conversation in brief. The husband says: “Do as you see fit.” But if I take my friend as godparents, I will put an end to my relationship with his family. And we live with his mother. She doesn’t talk to me anymore, and says: “There won’t be a christening until you do it our way.” Tell me what to do.
What to do if your husband's relatives don't love you?
When your spouse’s relatives do not love you, you should not worry too much, you should not become depressed, and under no circumstances should you start wars with new relatives. The best position is to pretend that you agree with everything and are trying to maintain the relationship. In the case of the woman who turned to this site for advice, she should pretend that she agrees that her husband's brother's wife should be her son's godmother, and then constantly postpone the christening until she and her family move into their own apartment.
While the newlyweds live on the territory of the man’s parents, the in-laws are a family that simply cannot be abandoned. You will have to listen to the opinion of each member, build relationships with each and live according to the rules accepted in this family. But in order not to become a silent sufferer, efforts should be made to move into your own home as soon as possible. Sometimes even the costs of a rented apartment do not seem to put as much pressure on the psyche as the psychoses of the mother-in-law and the antics of the father-in-law.
You should not seek special love from your spouse’s close relatives. But you should show them that you will not fight with them on every issue. In this case bad relationship with the husband's relatives can transform into equals. This is when there is no particular warmth between people, but there is mutual respect or, at least, both parties tolerate each other without pouring out negativity about or without it. This type of relationship is most common in families today.
A young woman who gets married should remember that she will not have to live with her husband’s family for the rest of her life. Times change, funds accumulate over the years, and one day a young family will be able to move into their own home. Then the problems with the husband’s relatives will at least partially disappear and maybe the relationship will improve.
What to do if your husband's relatives are annoying?
A young woman who needed advice was greatly annoyed by the dictatorship of her mother-in-law and the insolence of her husband's brother's wife. And she can be understood, because such an attitude cannot be accepted. It is difficult for an adult to live by someone else's rules while withstanding humiliation directed at himself. The situation is aggravated by the fact that this woman has to live on the territory of her man’s parents.
In this case, you should try to establish more trusting relationship with the owners of the home, and all other relatives should be put in their place if they cross the boundaries of what is permitted. The wife of her husband's brother has no right to humiliate her daughter-in-law, and certainly not allowed to tell her husband's brother and his wife when and how they should baptize their son. You can and sometimes need to tolerate the whims of your mother-in-law, but in no case should you allow other newly-minted relatives to cross the boundaries of what is permitted.
A woman who needs advice should spread information to her husband's relatives about the rudeness of his brother's wife and her reluctance to be a godmother. In this case, you can invite your friend to be your godparent with a clear conscience. And so that your mother-in-law doesn’t get too offended, you should have a heart-to-heart talk with her in advance, telling her how well your friend treats the child.
How to build relationships with your husband's relatives?
For a man's parents, a son, as a rule, is the closest and dearest person they value. Therefore, they can have complaints against any girl, even the most meek, clean, obedient and good-natured. A young wife does not need to try with all her might to please her new relatives, building relationships despite her rejection of her man’s parents. She should live by the rules of the homeowners and try to win her place among other relatives, just as she did at school or in a group at work.
If your husband’s relatives are already so fed up that life seems like a nightmare, then there is no point in building a relationship. You just need to find a new place to live. Rental apartment may take away a decent part of the spouses’ earnings, but there will be much fewer clashes with relatives. Of course, not all young families solve all their problems by moving. Sometimes, even living far from her husband’s relatives, a girl realizes that her husband’s relatives are still bothering her. In this case, it is best for a young family to move to another city or another country.
Living far away from people who did not want to build full-fledged relationships and created problems out of nowhere, you no longer have to think about how to improve relationships with your husband’s relatives. Live in psychologically it will become much easier. Only in terms of finances can it become more difficult. After all, without the help of close relatives, you will only have to rely on your own strength. But nowadays there are banks that offer small and large loans at low interest rates. Therefore, if something happens, it will be possible to find a way out of a difficult situation.
You should not try to deal with people with whom you have to live in the same apartment. There is no need to build relationships where only one side is ready for dialogue. In this case, a scandal with the husband's relatives will be ensured for the young wife. There is no need to try to solve the lack of mutual understanding between generations with the help of psychology. Adults always think they are smarter. They are not ready for an open dialogue with those who are their children.
People of different generations do not have the same personalities and cannot build relationships because they perceive the world differently. And it is impossible to eliminate this difference if the husband’s relatives want everything to be exactly as they wish. Only with people who are ready for dialogue can you try to establish relationships in order to become close relatives. But such parents are extremely rare.
Women get along most easily with each other. Therefore, a married girl should try to improve relations with her mother-in-law. If you start communicating with your spouse’s mother in such a way that she begins to perceive your daughter-in-law as my own daughter, then you will be able to avoid most problems in your relationship with her. Heart-to-heart conversations, attention to your husband’s mother, showing interest in her life and hobbies, all this helps to get closer and allows you to find an approach even to a person with a very complex character. And as soon as the mother-in-law begins to perceive her daughter-in-law as her own, she will try to fulfill her desires, and not be an obstacle to their fulfillment, as is the case with the woman to whom this article is dedicated.
What to do if relations with your spouse’s family are tense?
For a young woman who needed advice, things got heated to the limit with her husband's family, and over a trifle. Most believers believe that baptism is a very an important event, which guarantees a smooth life for the baptized. In fact, this is far from the case. There are a lot of people in the world whose parents were and remain atheists. And each of these people, although not baptized, can boast of excellent health, happy marriage and high earnings.
If the woman who asked for advice does not focus on baptism, then she will not need to talk about her husband’s relatives, their attitude towards her and discuss their liberties. By letting go of the problem and making it unimportant, you can get rid of it forever. The relatives of this girl’s wife, realizing that she is not interested in baptism, will stop speculating on this and playing on her nerves. And from now on, this woman will need to learn not to emphasize her desires, so that her husband’s relatives do not try to change everything.
There are quite a lot of cases all over the world when in-laws interfere with the family. The reason for this state of affairs is the disrespect of the older generation for the younger. Adults who have lived their lives are confident that young people should rely on their experience. They do not strive for dialogue and are not ready to start building trust. And newly-minted spouses want to live in their own way, making important decisions on their own, communicating with their elders only from time to time.
If your spouse’s relatives are in charge of your family, then you shouldn’t wonder how to drive your husband’s relatives away or establish relationships with them, you just need to radically change your life, once and for all breaking away from your spouse’s close relatives. As mentioned earlier, a young family should decide to move. Otherwise, problems with relatives will not stop.
In the relationship between a man and a woman, some difficulties always arise and disagreements, because people cannot always smile, compromise and remain silent when someone tries to infringe on their rights. In order to create strong family you need to learn to give in and accept a person with all his shortcomings. But even if everything is good in your marriage, there may be negative factors outside the family.
It's about numerous relatives of her husband and about the possibility of minimizing your hostility towards them. Relationships with relatives are not always ideal; most often certain situations arise that lead to conflicts. This is not surprising, because you chose your loved one, but not his many brothers, aunts and grandmothers.
Daughter-in-law is often to blame for everything, because, in their opinion, dear person he is right in everything and cannot be the cause of difficulties in the family. Women who have decided to link their fate with a specific man often hear a lot negative reviews and opinions behind your back. But what to do if you and your husband ideal relationship, but the problem is only in relatives?
There is a solution. In fact, even the most experienced psychiatrist will not make you fall in love with people who are a priori unlikable to you, but it is quite possible to learn to pay less attention to numerous insults and reproaches. You can also wisely limit communication with people who are unpleasant to you, the main thing is cunning and a logical approach. So, if you want to solve the problem of communicating with numerous relatives, then take note of the following tips.
1. Do not try to reciprocate the hostility and reproaches of relatives. In fact wise woman will never spoil relations with her husband's relatives, because this can lead to a deterioration in family ties and sometimes even to divorce. If your husband is an exemplary family man, then it is likely that he listens to the advice of his relatives. This character trait can either help you or harm you. Try to respond to numerous reproaches with a smile and agreement. If, for example, your mother-in-law is not satisfied with something in your housework, then promise to improve. Always accept advice and decrees, but what you do when you get home is up to you.
2. Talk to your husband. The fastest and most effective method influence on the consciousness of the husband's relatives - communication with the latter. If you clearly, calmly and intelligibly explain to your husband the essence of the problem, you will be one step closer to the possibility of establishing contact with relatives. Tell him that their desire to interfere in your family could lead to the breakup of the family, because decisions should only be made by the two who are married. Try to bring clarity to the relationship so that you can solve difficulties together, and not in splendid isolation. In fact, numerous surveys among strong friendly families showed that husband and wife learned to discuss absolutely everything among themselves and make a common decision.
3. Try to limit contact with your husband's family. In fact, you don’t need to go to tea parties, sit for weeks in the village with your loved one’s grandmother and invite brothers and sisters and their families to a dinner party. It is enough to limit yourself to weddings, anniversaries and other important celebrations for the family. If you learn to keep your distance from your husband's relatives, then sooner or later they will understand that you are a person who is distant towards people in general. Isn't this what you need?
4. Never try to show false love and friendliness. If you start playing and try to wishful thinking, sooner or later you will lash out at your husband or withdraw into yourself. It’s also worth looking at the situation realistically: even the most stupid and narrow-minded person will sooner or later understand that he is being led by the nose and told lies.
Learn to treat relatives neutral. This will allow you to establish a certain distance, but will not make you enemies. If you show a certain hatred and antipathy, you will encounter problems within the family. Fake friendliness will have the opposite effect: you will become enemies with your in-laws and may even face the problem of divorce.
Often relationships between close relatives do not work out, and even more often relationships with the relatives of your loved one do not work out. How to withstand forced communication with them if you are annoyed by their mere presence?
Try to be polite and don't complain to your spouse. Boris and Yulia at the very beginning family life They realized that they perceived their relatives completely differently. If someone criticized their relatives, everything was fine, but as soon as one of them uttered even one bad word against a relative from the opposite side, the second instantly flared up with righteous anger. Then they made a joint decision: no criticism of other people's relatives. I strongly recommend following their example and avoiding conflict situations, since they will inevitably cause mutual discontent, and there is no need for you to aggravate problems with relatives by tension in marital relations.
Try to keep your irritation under control. By and large, when you fight with relatives, you gain almost nothing, but you can lose a lot. I am not at all saying that you need to smile meekly when your husband’s sister showers you with insults; I simply advise, if possible, to refrain from retaliating harshly in order to save face. Surely your husband’s relatives love him and don’t wish you anything bad. Don’t forget that your spouse’s parents gave birth to him, which means they did at least one good deed. While you are married to this person, his relatives are part of your family, and for your child they are the same grandparents, uncles and aunts as your relatives. Try to turn a blind eye to their shortcomings, no matter how much they irritate you.
Remember that from time to time, anyone, including you, can cause irritation to others. When negative emotions get out of control and an angry argument begins, everyone suffers - unless, of course, noisy bickering is the main communication style in the family. The husband will feel caught between two fires, which is unpleasant for him and does not benefit the others. Learn the main virtue - tolerance. Then the tension will disappear and family relationships will improve, and children, from your example, will learn to accept and love loved ones despite their shortcomings.
Relatives are not friends, and relatives by husband (wife) are not their own blood relatives. You chose your friends yourself; blood relatives love you because they have to, because you have a common history. But at first you were united with your husband’s relatives only by your love for him, and now also by your love for your child. If you are lucky, relations with all relatives will develop smoothly and without conflicts, and if not, then for the sake of common interests it is better to try to find a common language.
