Psychologist's answer:
Hello Svetlana!
The situation you described, unfortunately, gives a very one-sided view of the problem that has arisen in your relationship with a young man. There is more of your vision here and, again, unfortunately, there is no vision of the “other” side - your boyfriend. Therefore, possible recommendations can only be of a speculative nature, focusing more on the economic situation in general and emotional states people in similar situations.
From all of the above, we can assume that the experience of building relationships with employers of both you and your boyfriend did not develop, for the most part, through official registration. In addition, your recent work experience young man was, frankly speaking, traumatic in nature. Therefore, it can be assumed that today he may be in a state of depression. It is difficult to judge the depth of such a depressive state from your words, but there are certain traits and actions on his part that may confirm such an assumption.
The state of depression can be characterized by different manifestations, but, for the most part, there are common signs by which such a condition can be recognized. Here are a few of them, which, among other things, can be observed in your young man:
- low self-esteem,
-decrease in social activity. Here, “on the face” are such signs as weak efforts when searching for a job, a reluctance to “intensify” the job search process itself, a state of “mild suspended animation” when you don’t want any “obvious” changes in your condition/position,
- aggression towards attempts of others to stimulate social activity,
-a feeling of oppressive hopelessness and lack of initiative in anything.
There are many more such signs, but even those listed can indicate the presence of a depressive state in a person.
Usually, people in this state do not respond to requests/demands from their environment to change the situation; they are not even ready to admit that the situation exists at all. And in the event of her recognition, they fall into an even greater “stupor”, believing in the depths of their souls that “this is how it should happen”, that “nothing good will ever happen, so why try to change anything at all.”
It is very important that loved ones are able to “see” such signs of depression and try to provide help, despite the fact that it will be actively rejected by depressed people.
It is very important to find such “strings” in the soul of a depressed person that could restore his faith in himself, interest in the world around him, the desire to live to the fullest and active life. Sometimes this can be very difficult to do. But the love of family and friends can work wonders!
As far as I know, in large quantities cities have various programs to help get out of depression. One of them is called “12 steps. Depressed Anonymous." Perhaps there is something similar in your city. The operating principle of such a program is not to be left alone with your depression, to be in a circle of “your own kind,” to focus on the support of your family and faith in your own strength! You can, if you find something similar, try to go there with your boyfriend. This will also be a show of support for him in this state! But even the help of a qualified psychologist can be useful to you in your struggle.
One thing I want to note is that if such a condition occurs, then most likely it can be repeated in others life situations, when difficulties can “knock your young man out of the saddle.” Therefore, in my opinion, gaining experience in dealing with and confronting the development of depressive situations is simply necessary for your future young family, so that depression and its manifestations do not become the cause of disagreements and misunderstandings and do not lead to a break in relationships on this basis.
So, Svetlana, I recommend that you take a closer look at the condition of your young man, based on the assumptions made above, and think through and, if possible, discuss what you see with him. If the problem is somehow confirmed, then at least you will “know the enemy by sight” and will be able to provide active resistance to him! Everything will depend, especially at first, on your desire to help, on your sincere feelings for your boyfriend and on his ability to accept this help from you. And then, when he can actively join in the work to get out of this state, your joint efforts will be important! But they will certainly achieve results, especially if they are fueled by strong and sincere feelings of love and respect for each other!
Prostate massage is not only very pleasant, but also simply necessary for men's health. All the secrets of stimulating the “male G-spot” are revealed by sexologist Natalya Romanovskaya, an expert in the international network “Training Center “SEX.RF”.
How to access
If a woman cares about her man and wants to give him pleasure that he has never experienced before, she needs access... yes, to his anus. Have you never tried to caress your loved one there and don’t know how he will react to it? Try to “tame” him gradually, helping him overcome the prejudices that are characteristic of some representatives of the stronger sex. Start by caressing the buttocks, then the area between them. And watch your partner's reaction. If he says: “Hey, where are you going?!” - pretend that you didn’t want anything “like that”. But next time try again. Let him get used to the fact that there is nothing terrible in this type of caresses. If he is silent and not indignant, then, most likely, he thinks: “Well, finally!”
How to do external prostate stimulation
The only way to get to the prostate "from the outside" is through stimulation of the million dollar spot. You won't find her during foreplay. At this moment it is simply inactive. The tubercle between the anus and the scrotum appears only before ejaculation. And if you begin to gently massage this point with your finger, for example, during oral sex or in the reverse cowgirl position, then, believe me, he will be very pleased!
Before the procedure in the hospital, doctors advise doing an enema and drinking one and a half liters of water - these operations will help to carry out the massage as effectively as possible. Don't scare your partner off with such requests! Make him relax as much as possible. Apply lubricant to your finger and slowly begin to enter (you can use gloves or a regular condom and, of course, long nails- taboo). The ideal position for massage is knee-elbow. If he is not ready for this yet, let him simply spread his legs while lying on his back. The prostate is located approximately four to five centimeters from the entrance. You can easily find it - it is a nut-sized bump on the front wall of the canal. You need to massage carefully, pressing lightly, but at the same time quite noticeably. The harder and larger the “nut” becomes, the closer the man is to orgasm.
Ideally, you should get special prostate massagers. There are many of them and they are different, but this is for advanced users. There is no need to buy a trainer for your loved one after the first experience: he may be intimidated by the shape and size.
What does a woman need to be happy? Yes, in fact, not so much: mutual love and devotion, a couple of kids and, perhaps, world peace. And if the latter is not in the power of a mere mortal, then the first two are achievable points. But how often do people prevent themselves from being happy? Complexes and prejudices inherent in childhood interfere with this. And if you yourself are not satisfied, it is unlikely that the person next to you will be happy either.
If you don’t see support and love from him, and you only get one grumble in response to your requests, it means you need to start with yourself. How to encourage a man to perform feats in the name of love? Change your own behavior and don’t rush ahead - take it with affection.
Stop annoying your man
Compliment him
Are you used to the fact that compliments are exclusively the privilege of women? Anyone who thinks so suffers from the absence warm relations and pleasant communication. You should praise him for his truly masculine qualities. Even if he earns less than you, emphasize that he is trying to earn money and always brings everything to the ruble.
Place accents correctly
He is not interested when you praise the result - the process of achieving it was much more exciting for him. If he works out at the gym, periodically be amazed at how much he does to stay in such great shape. Men really need encouragement for their actions. to have an incentive for further development.
Don't be afraid to ask, but do it right
While the wife does not talk about her needs, the husband simply does not see the need to give her anything.. And imagine his surprise when she takes offense literally out of nowhere, accusing her of inattention and callousness! Learn to convey to your husband what you need. Encourage them to earn more, do more around the house or play with their children. And do it not in the form of ultimatums, but present it in the form of wishes. You have no idea what potential lies in your spouse. You just need to learn how to stimulate him to perform the actions you need. These manipulations will benefit both the family as a whole and your
Or creating a business. They can talk about business for hours, make plans and have their head in the clouds, but in reality they never take on anything. And all material problems fall on the shoulders of the woman, who in Russia, as you know, can run a galloping horse or run into a burning hut.
How to make a man want to earn more
If you want your husband to get off the couch, get active and start earning more, stop telling him about it! Stop nagging him, crying and complaining, that, they say, other husbands earn money for vacations abroad, but he cannot give his wife money for new boots.
When you nag him, the man becomes mentally ill, and he only wants to find excuses for himself or go somewhere far away from you - to friends, vodka or mistress.
Necessary develop from the desire to OWN money and live well. And for this it is necessary to accustom him to independence. We are we spoil our husbands ourselves, boasting of our good earnings, we ourselves decide all the important issues of life - from buying an apartment and renovations to writing applications on behalf of our husbands to various authorities!
A man must make his own decision. He's a man. Maybe not as confident as we would like, but confidence is developed over time!
Do you want your husband to start a business?
For a man to become a businessman? Throw him a book, discuss emerging ideas, support your spouse. Become a partner in his cause, and perhaps even business partner. Help him in some minor matters, gently push him to accept right decisions, but so that the man creates the illusion that it is HE who runs the business and only consults with you.
If you understand your husband's affairs, you will always have something to talk about, and the family union will only get stronger from this, and there will be no need to be afraid that, having become rich, a man will leave his family for the sake of a young mistress. And for all this don't be lazy, but to develop together with my husband.
Support his desire to succeed raise his self-esteem, help your husband believe in his own strength. Study, read, and meet the right people together.
What do most wives do? Either they nag the spouse every day, or they really make the house cozy, feed him delicious food, take care of him and please him in sex, but continue to casually hint that he could earn more. And this is already, albeit gentle, pressure on the husband, which he seeks to avoid.
Let's summarize the above : if the husband feels like the master of the situation, that the family’s wealth and well-being depend on him, that he is responsible for his family, he will strive to give to his family better life. But with the support of his wife.
How to encourage your husband to earn more? Feminine tricks
There are several feminine tricks that we women successfully use. They can also be used when we want our husband to earn more. What needs to be done?
Trick one: We're sad
Firstly, if everything is good in your relationship, and most of the time you are friendly and cheerful, you can become sad. The husband will immediately notice this, because the difference in mood is striking. Either you were always smiling and joking, or you were sad and couldn’t say an extra word. The main condition of this method is Before, you were happy with everything and always nice.
He will definitely ask what happened. And you answer: “Forgive me, I see you already do a lot for your family. And I saw in the store a gold bracelet that I had dreamed of all my life. This is probably just my whim, because I understand that there are things more important than this. Do not pay attention…."
And continue to be sad for a day or two. A man will definitely try to find money (and therefore earn money!) to satisfy your desire, just to see you again in good mood. Just don’t be sad for more than two days, otherwise the man will get tired of seeing your sour face. If he doesn't understand the first time, repeat in a week or two. But when you get what you want show your delight, please him, And don't repeat this technique too often, otherwise the man will see through you.
Trick two: Demand
The second female trick is demandingness. There is such a pattern that the more you demand from your husband, the more he will earn. That is, you don’t have to be content with little! From the very beginning of the relationship, teach him that you always need something: new things for every season, every summer - holidays abroad, for birthdays - gorgeous gifts, and after a year or two life together you are expecting a car from him as a gift. Don't put up with the fact that your husband doesn't earn enough. Don't save money. Be happy to equip your home with the money your husband earns, but don’t forget to praise and thank him.
How else can you encourage your husband to earn more? Don't criticize. There is no comparison with their neighbor Vasya, who has golden hands, so they are already buying a second apartment. It’s better not to compare your husband with anyone at all, or compare only in favor of himself: “Look, you are the most successful among your friends. This is not surprising, because you are a born leader and lucky. I generally believe that you will achieve a lot in life!”
If your husband makes any attempts to earn more money, praise him for it. In words and sincerely. Praise immediately, and not after a day or two, otherwise the entire effect will disappear. If the husband knows that his wife values and respects him, he will strive to do even more good things and bring more into the house to see the sincere joy of his beloved wife.
And one last thing about feminine tricks. Refuse additional . Of course, it will be a little difficult at first without additional money, but this is the only way to make a man earn more. Explain this by saying that your health condition does not allow you to work anymore. To be sure, you can visit a doctor. Poor vision, increased nervous excitability, varicose veins, osteochondrosis or a thousand other reasons to refuse additional work! Now a woman will not be able to bear everything on herself, which means a man will have to become a man
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Is it possible to ensure that the wife somehow contributes to her husband’s success? Is it possible to make my husband earn more, advance in his career, study, etc.? It is possible, and there are many examples of this.
– Why do this? Why help your husband move up the career ladder, achieve success in entrepreneurship or anything else?- one of the women might ask me. – I am quite satisfied with his income and his success, I don’t need more.
It's good if this is really the case. Then you can simply support what is there, and you don’t need to read further.
As I described in detail in my video film "How to keep a man", the fact is that a man has a desire to achieve something, to achieve something, to be in some way superior to his environment, in general, to become a Real Man. Not necessarily in career growth or money, although this may also be important to your partner. It could be anything: he lifts the heaviest barbell in his gym; catches the biggest fish among his friends; does some work the fastest among his colleagues and a lot more.
And if a man is in no way superior to the people around him, then he will obviously have low self-esteem. It’s hard to communicate with such a man and, it seems to me, it’s hard to family life. Self-confidence can and should be developed. At one time, I completed a special training on developing confidence. You can study it in the book “How to become more confident in yourself in 3 months”.
However, often it is the woman who blocks the man's progress to success because of her fears. Believe me, this is a bad solution.
There are many examples of how a wife can contribute to her husband’s career growth (as well as vice versa). Wives do this without any special training.
That is, helping your husband advance in his career or in business is not so difficult.
What to take into account if you have set yourself such a task?
What methods are there to help a man move forward? professional growth, career growth and earn more money?
First. It is much easier and smarter to encourage what a man already wants and, perhaps, has even tried to do, than to promote something of his own.
As I already said in my video film “How to Keep a Man,” if this rule is not followed, then such non-compliance can nullify all attempts to move towards success.
How does it sometimes happen in practice? A woman wants her husband’s success, maybe even really wants it. She had absorbed a certain image of success somewhere. For example, in her subconscious there is approximately the following image of a “real man”: this is a successful entrepreneur; a major leader or generally a super professional in some field. And if such an image is embedded in a woman since childhood, she tries to make her husband fit this image. He, accordingly, avoids such “success” by all possible means.
Usually nothing good comes out of this. If an external stimulus contradicts an internal desire, then it turns out like in the fable about the Swan, Pike and Cancer. Everyone is pulling in different sides, and the cargo is still there.
However, if the wife encourages and even sometimes forces her husband to do what he already wants, then the husband is grateful to his wife and achieves certain successes in life to the best of his abilities and the energy that he is willing to invest in him.
For example, at one time I was very interested in real estate and real estate investing. My wife did not try to move me up the career ladder or force me to engage in entrepreneurship (fashionable at that time). Her approach goes something like this: “Interested in real estate and investing? And good". And she began to help me deal with real estate. Namely: maintain a family budget; to save money; sometimes travel and look at apartments with me (a rather tedious task), actively discuss investments, etc.
I haven’t even become close to becoming Donald Trump (an American real estate investor), but I have achieved good success, which is better than if I had been doing something I wasn’t passionate about and, most likely, would have achieved nothing.
Second. You don’t need to know or be able to do much to help your husband move towards success..
The most common objection from women when talking about helping their husband achieve his success is that: “I don’t understand his profession, I don’t know how to achieve career growth even for myself, let alone my husband.” and a lot more.
These, of course, are just excuses, and not even very convincing ones. I have repeatedly witnessed how people who have absolutely no understanding of something managed to completely encourage and control someone.
Several years ago I worked in a fairly large department in a large organization. The head of this department was a man retirement age. He was rather lazy, did not want to understand the affairs of his subordinates, and even if he wanted to, he would hardly be able to. He completed his main training about 30 years ago, a lot has changed since then, and he could not give any practical advice due to lack of qualifications.
Nevertheless, he coped well with the leadership of the department. How did he do it? He called his subordinate and asked him: “What are you going to do for the project?”. The subordinate, of course, told the story, the manager listened and asked him about those moments where something was required that the subordinate himself could not solve. After listening to him, he usually said: “Write a plan with deadlines and bring me a copy.” The subordinate wrote a plan that outlined everything he was going to do and by when.
After this, having reviewed the plan, the leader usually said: “You’ll come back in a week and report on how the project is going.”
That, in fact, is the whole technique. A week later, he listened to his subordinate and asked why this was not done, why this, etc., if something was done, then well done. By the way, do not forget to praise your man, thank him for any help. For a man, hearing words of approval from the woman he loves means a lot. He will move mountains for them. On the same topic there is on our website "Sunny Hands"
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If the subordinate himself did not understand anything about the project, that is, he did not know how to do anything and even draw up a sensible plan, then he had his own methods for this.
And how do parents sometimes check homework on those subjects that they have already forgotten what they are called, and not to understand some kind of mathematics? Yes, the same way, using this method.
So, using this method as a basis, you can help him in his professional growth even without understanding his husband’s affairs at all.
How to do it? Yes, you just ask your husband what he would like to achieve in the near future in order to grow along a professional path, career ladder or as an entrepreneur?
After that you ask, what does he need to do for this?
And what kind of help is required from you (for example, you need to set aside 2-3 hours every day, not disturb him or distract him with household chores, so that he does something). Write this down for yourself.
And then it’s even easier. Say: “Okay, let's do it this way.” You give him these 2 hours, then you ask him what he did, why something wasn’t done, etc. Everything is generally very simple. You don’t even need to understand anything about your husband’s affairs.
The fact is that this is another basic human need for external control. Without it, a person always works worse than he could. And it's not so much a matter of willpower. After all, even professional athletes with enormous willpower always have a coach who, when they no longer have the strength, will come up and say: “Well, come on, let’s run, or do 20 more push-ups.”
After all, this is the most common situation in a person’s life when he cannot move his affairs. He cannot succeed not because he does not know what and how to do. He cannot succeed because he lacks internal or external incentive to do something.
Your husband most often already knows what to do. But do in real life it can be quite difficult. Constant routine, people's refusals, fatigue - all this must be overcome. And sometimes all you need is someone to say once or twice a week: “Go ahead, do it. You will definitely succeed." Well, of course, not just like that, but according to an algorithm. (What needs to be done, why it doesn’t work, what’s wrong with me, and then go ahead, then well done and why it didn’t work out.)
And secondly, on this point, that you do not understand some work. Well, who is stopping you from gaining at least minimal knowledge? Believe me, you don't need to know much to help your husband succeed. I think 2% of what your husband knows is more than enough. And this could be two or three weeks of reading something and listening more carefully to your partner. Often behind the excuse “I don’t understand anything about a man’s work, I can’t help him, and we don’t need anything, everything is fine with us” is also a woman’s lack of self-confidence. You also need to be prepared for your husband’s success.
Third. There is no need to push anyone too much and expect some quick results..
Let's say you decide to help your husband in his affairs. What happens sometimes? On a wave of enthusiasm, a shake-up occurs and everyone begins to do something. You are actively pushing your husband to achieve success. The inspired husband also works and burns.
However, a week passes, then a second, then a month, and no significant results are visible. There is no growth on the career ladder and no success is noticeable. Enthusiasm drops and you give up everything.
At least I've gone through this cycle several times. I’ll read some book on the psychology of success, start setting goals, writing plans, etc. But gradually the enthusiasm fades away, and after a couple of weeks I give up everything.
And only then does the understanding begin to come that expecting some quick and miraculous results only worsens the situation. As a rule, it takes at least a few months to feel something real from your efforts. continuous operation. And before others notice it, it may take a couple of years.
So don't expect too quick results. Don’t rely on them yourself and don’t set your husband up for them.
It's not that there won't be any. Quick results are desirable and come quite often if you do things right. But more often than not, things are delayed, and the results, especially at the beginning, are quite insignificant.
It is best if helping your husband achieve success is not a one-time action, but a way of life, a habit. Set yourself up to develop a habit, adjust your actions if something doesn’t work out, and the results will definitely come.
Fourth. There is no need to put your life on the altar of your husband's success..
Sometimes I read sad stories women, they come down to approximately the following. The wife decided to help her husband advance in his career or in business. To do this, she quit her job, constantly helped him write his diplomas, then something else, constantly cooked for him, supported him. With her help, her husband eventually achieved what she was striving for, that is, success, money or something else. After this, the husband left his wife, who was left without a profession, without work and without money.
A fairly typical scenario for the development of relations between a man and a woman living in the roles of “mother and son.” “Mom” takes care of “son”, who subsequently abandons her. “Don’t become a “mommy” for a man” - I recommend reading it. Be sure to study it so as not to repeat mistakes that can cost not only family well-being, but also your personal success, your personal happiness, self-confidence, etc.
Therefore, in order for the likelihood of this scenario not to arise even in principle, you do not need to play the role of “mother” and put your life on the altar in order to help your husband achieve success.
Get on with your life. Play sports, personal growth, make time for your hobbies. Take time to be with your husband, walk, chat. If your career is important to you, then move up the career ladder yourself.
So I suggest you be in the role of a cheerleader when you are helping your husband, and not a member of the team. He shares something with you difficult situation or talks about victory, defeat. Of course, you need to rejoice with your husband or maybe share the defeat.
If he asks about something, maybe even help with advice if you can. Give your full attention to the conversation. Maybe you can suggest something useful with your questions. (And you looked there, and asked this one, maybe this is so?)
However, the conversation about achieving success passed, and that’s it. You no longer need to think about solving your husband’s problems, you don’t need to worry about him or be very happy. Let him solve problems himself, think and achieve his successes himself. You just have to want and be able to accept the success of the massage.
Switch to your tasks, of which you most likely have a lot. And if you feel like a fan and not a participant, even if you say the same words, then you simply will not be able to enter the role of “mother”. Practice, you will definitely succeed.
Fifth. Distribute what your husband brings wisely. Make your husband feel positive changes from increasing his income.
This point, I think, is more or less obvious. Most people quickly become exhausted if they do not feel that somehow their efforts, higher income, are not specifically benefiting them.
In other words, in order to work, a man needs to feel rewarded. Of course, the main reward should not be material. It is better to place more emphasis on internal satisfaction from work, your praise, the feeling of victory, or something else.
However, a man should also feel material changes. That is, money should be spent on things that would please the man. You may say: “But we bought new furniture for the house, made repairs and something else.”
This is great if this is a really important area for your man. But this may not be true at all. Maybe a new keyboard for 1,000 rubles is more important to him than a repair for 300,000 thousand rubles.
That is, I repeat once again, no large sums should be allocated to encourage a man (everything is relative, of course), but at the same time he should feel that he is not working in vain.
Second component The fact that a man does not work in vain is that the money that comes into the budget is spent wisely. For example, if your husband earns 100 thousand rubles every month, but no changes occur, everything is wasted on some nonsense, and again there is no money, then a natural feeling arises: “No matter how much you earn, everything is useless.”
Therefore, master the science of conducting family budget. I also wrote quite a lot about this on the “Sunny Hands” website; you can read the articles in the “How to make money” section.
Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.
