Many people dream of family happiness and strive to build a harmonious relationship with their loved one.
However, lovers often quarrel, and spouses get divorced even in the first year of marriage, because instead of happiness, relationships bring only disappointment to couples.Adequate and reasonable individuals who once dreamed of love in relationships turn into terrible monsters, insulting and humiliating each other, making exorbitant demands on each other.
Why is this happening? Why do many people take a wrong turn on the way to the dream of family happiness? What should you do and what should you be in order to truly create happy family? How to build harmonious relationships? We will talk about this topic in this article.
Why don't relationships work out?
The main cause of discord between people in relationships is one extremely harmful belief: “Someone else should make me happy.” Unfortunately, most adult individuals in fact remain infantile children throughout their lives, and in the worst sense of the word.
Such people lose their best childhood traits. They no longer know how to sincerely laugh and enjoy life, enjoy simple things and actions, be spontaneous and open, greedy for new knowledge and skills.
Instead, the belief that someone must make me happy stays with them throughout their lives. That's why their relationship doesn't work out.
What is growing up?
Each child, as they grow older, should gradually acquire a sense of responsibility for their life and actions. First, the baby learns to control his natural urges so as not to wet his diapers anymore, then to move independently, then to express his emotions in words, to understand where he can climb without consequences, and where he should not climb.
Over time, this helps to realize that not all of his “wants” must be immediately satisfied, including the dream of family happiness. Many of our contemporaries are stuck at that stage of development when their every desire must be immediately fulfilled by someone or something from the outside.
And if it is not fulfilled, people get offended, scream, grumble and show their dissatisfaction in every possible way. Such people, by definition, cannot create a happy family, and then we will look in detail at why relationships do not work out.
Infantile people
The fact is that infantile individuals in fact do not want to be responsible for themselves and their lives. Moreover, they don't even want to admit that they have to do it. All their relationships with the outside world come down to the demand: “Give!” And if the world does not want to give to a capricious child what he demands, the child pouts and begins to scold everything around according to the principle: “Mom didn’t give me chocolate - bad mother!”
Such people are immediately visible: they often condemn the government, officials, friends, relatives, weather and the location of stars in the sky, blaming everyone for their endless misfortunes.
In all the people and even phenomena around them, infantile individuals see parents who, a priori, owe them everything that the child requires, of course, absolutely free and without any effort.
Tell me, can such people create a happy family? Imagine, two such capricious children meet who don’t know how to build a harmonious relationship and begin to beg from each other: “Give me!” Give! Give!".Both demand, being sincerely convinced that they are “owed”, but no one wants to give anything. Absurd, right?
The secret to a happy relationship
To enter into a relationship and find family happiness, you must stop being an infantile person. And to do this, you need to understand that each of us, with age, must become “our own parent.”
After all, we all understand that in order to have something to eat, we need to earn money, buy food and cook food. We do not sit like chicks, with our mouths open, and do not wait for manna from heaven to fall on us from above. Before you receive something, you need to do something, give something, invest somehow.
And if everything is more or less clear to us with food, then why can’t we transfer this principle to other areas of our activity, including in resolving the issue of how to improve relationships?
However, most people cannot even arrange own life, satisfy at least their needs, live unhappily and for some reason believe that relationships and family life (read - another person, most likely just as infantile) will solve this problem.
"A man must, a woman must"
Many girls believe that their husbands should completely solve their financial problems, as well as provide them with gifts and entertainment. But men expect their wives to take care of the housework, cook food, wash and clean, and also admire their husbands and constantly praise them.
As a result, instead of mastering some profession and going to work in order to provide themselves with finances, as well as find hobbies and friends, girls throw all their energy into searching for a groom who should make them happy, preferably rich and successful.
And men, instead of learning how to effectively run a household on their own, as well as achieve success in career, sports and other activities in order to stabilize self-esteem, which would not need external feeding, see their dream of family happiness in women who are ready for all this give them “for free, because supposedly they have to.”
Codependent relationships, and what are their dangers?
The only way out that representatives of both sexes could find for themselves was “exchange”: the man earns and entertains, and the woman manages and admires. I am for you, and you are for me.
This is a codependent model of relationships, and it cannot bring family happiness. For some time, such a “scheme” will work in the family, but then “glitches” will invariably begin, which are most often expressed in disputes between spouses, whose contribution to the relationship is more important and valuable.
The husband will be sure that he bears the main burden of responsibility - material support and protection, and the wife gives him very little in return. She doesn’t clean perfectly, she doesn’t cook very well, and she looks worse, although she should always shine and shine for him. hence the dissatisfaction.
The wife will argue, shouting that she, working around the house and with the children, almost never rests, does not receive a salary for this, serves her husband, but he gives her little money, does not want to pay attention, and it is impossible to wait for help from him.
Everyone will strive to “sell more” their services: do less and demand more and more, until, ultimately, the spouses finally quarrel and divorce. Why? Because both are infantile individuals who believe that they should be made happy because they should, period.
How to create a happy family?
Only those people who can provide themselves with money, comfort, entertainment, and relaxation can create a happy family. Harmonious relationships are possible only between two initially happy ones and independent of external circumstances, from the “will of fate”, from other people.Such individuals enter into relationships and family life only for the sake of being close to a loved one, and not in order to receive as much benefit from him as possible, because they provide themselves with everything they need.
Anyone who is not happy with himself will not be happy with another. Usually independent, non-infantile people invest in family relationships equally: money, attention, housekeeping. In principle, they can divide their contributions according to the principle “the wife is responsible for the household, the husband is responsible for material support,” but this will look fundamentally different than in the family of infantile spouses.
After all, the wife will understand that making money is not an easy task, because she once earned her own living, and the husband will also realize that running a household is a lot of work, since he himself had to provide himself with comfort in everyday life. This is their secret.
Such people will respect each other's activities and contributions, and it will not occur to them to devalue the work of a loved one. How to build harmonious relationships? Just. Finally, emerge from the infantile age, take responsibility for your life, make yourself happy and provided with all the necessary benefits, and only then decide how to improve relationships and family happiness.
Then everything will definitely work out for you, and your reward will be a harmonious and a happy family, what we wish for you!
Husband, wife, children - is it always a family? This question is very easy to answer: of course not! Sometimes a family, and sometimes something like a boarding house where they come to eat and sleep. Here's what's different real family from the abode of internally strangers - there is no easy answer here. How to arrange family life correctly in order to ultimately create a happy family? Millions of people on earth are tormented by this problem.
A simple and, it seems to me, very deep thought was expressed by the writer Natalya Stremitina. She states: A family is strong only when a person is respected at home more than outside. Any person - both adults and children. That's when he really perceives his home as a fortress.
One of our major scientists, an academician physicist, once wrote that marriage belongs to self-destructive systems. The wisest thought! The gradual destruction of a family is not an exceptional phenomenon, but a normal one; it falls apart not through the fault or malice of one of the spouses, but simply because sooner or later everything on earth falls apart.
Do you want to prevent your house from collapsing? Repair it regularly, complete it, rebuild it, adapt it to changes and new situations. If you want to build a family life so that the family does not fall apart. Do not blame each other for all mortal sins, do not panic at the sight of a crack in the wall, but calmly repair it.
Dialogue from the play:
"- And I heard that true love is when one is suffocated by passion. - No. Real love- this is when they suffocate from tenderness. Living together requires gentleness, tolerance, and complaisance. But how often do we focus young people on this? Where there!"
A journalist I know, who wrote about the Wedding Palace, once and one day asked ten brides the same question: why are you getting married? Nine girls answered almost identically, something like this: to be happy. The tenth said: to give happiness to her husband"
I'm afraid that out of all ten, she will be the only one happy...
I know a lot of men who have taken place in life and have achieved a lot. And almost all of them are similar in one thing: each has a strong, reliable home. And home for a man is, first of all, a woman. Not a wife, but a mother, or a sister, or a friend. Something that won't change. The one that won't change.
There are many peoples in the world, many customs, but, probably, all people dream of strength and strive for strength.
How to build a family life correctly
The French say: “The coal miner is the master of his own house.” The British express themselves even more clearly: “My home is my fortress.” IN different countries lovers are called “an army of two”: this small army stands back to back against all kinds of worries and misfortunes. Let it be an attic, let it be a basement, let it be a shack, but a fortress!
To arrange family life correctly, remember: even if in the whole world only two people need each other, but an army! Nothing is scary when there is a strong rear behind you, when you are sure that the beaten and wounded will not be abandoned, they will be carried to a shelter, and dragged to the hospital.
Well, what if there is discord, confusion or a fierce struggle for power in the army, if not each for the other, but each for himself? Then, perhaps, there is nothing to count on in life’s battles. Sometimes even experienced, skillful fighters were knocked out of the saddle by petty domestic betrayal.
No, a person cannot live without strength, neither a man nor a woman. But where to look for it? What to grab onto? What to hope for? What is strong in our fairly free family today?
Maybe a wedding celebration, an official ritual, signatures of spouses and witnesses on important documents? Alas, how many of our families are destroyed by the belief in the indelibility of this ink! Lovers are tender and attentive to each other, avoid quarrels - both are afraid of loss.
To arrange your family life correctly, learn to find compromises. Young spouses are another matter - here you can show your character. It seems to both that the hardest part is over, as the athletes say, the game is done - and here it has just begun, and unexpected stunning goals are flying into a poorly covered goal, past the confused goalkeepers...
If you want to build a family life filled with harmony and happiness, remember that all family members are bound by duty. But when the family begins to fall apart, go look for who owes whom and try to collect these debts!
So what can you expect? On love passion? But who can say what margin of safety a passion has? No one knows what kind of force suddenly throws us towards each other, no one knows why a powerful magnet suddenly stops working.
And yet there is something in life that one can safely hope for, that does not change, does not disappear, does not depend on the whims of the body, which, in my opinion, is higher than passion and higher than duty. I'm talking about human relationships.
Millions of people suffer from the fact that passion weakens over time. But nature has given us ample compensation: human relationships grow stronger over time. Where they lie in the foundation of the house, earthquakes are not dangerous.
What is a happy family based on?
The family is a small but complex state. All kinds of relationships are possible here: democracy, anarchy, enlightened absolutism, and even, unfortunately, despotism. However, this state is stable under one condition: if its form is adopted voluntarily. There is nothing sadder and more hopeless than a long, exhausting struggle for power.
Someone will probably win in the end. So what - will he be happy? Alas, here, as in Hemingway’s famous book, the winner gets nothing.
To arrange your family life correctly, remember: a family is doomed where everyone resentfully and scandalously demands what was not given to them. After all, love is when I take care of you, and you take care of me. Love is not for egocentrics...
The magazine published my love story. There were many letters from readers, about a thousand. A neighbor, a first-year student, helped disassemble them.
Almost every third letter contained a confession: people talked about their problems, doubts, quarrels, breakups. They often asked for advice. The stories were different, the complaints against loved ones were different, the reasons for the disagreements were different.
My volunteer assistant read the letters with her forehead wrinkled and her young lips protruding in concentration.
I asked what she thought about all this. The girl was silent for about five minutes, and then expressed an idea that was extremely unexpected for me, and for her eighteen years old - downright fantastic. Looking over my head, she said thoughtfully and detachedly:
In my opinion, they all need to immerse themselves in everyday life and love each other.
I was taken aback. That is, how - in everyday life? Why - in everyday life? After all, it is known that love and life are irreconcilable enemies, that it is about the damned, murderous life that they are broken one after another love boats...
I was ready to bring down all my bewilderments on my interlocutor’s head, but suddenly I remembered that my friend was not alone in her views on love: she had at least one ally, and a rather serious one at that.
Namely, the greatest Russian writer Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy.
Indeed, into what a deep, unkempt way of life the writer plunged his beloved heroine Natasha Rostova from War and Peace. Surely he didn’t wish her happiness! He wished and insisted in the epilogue of the novel that Natasha was happy, and not outside of everyday life, not in spite of everyday life - precisely in everyday life.
The classics are not gods either; it is not at all necessary to agree with any of their statements. But it's always worth thinking about. Don't we ourselves say that love is tested in trials? Don’t we swear to share all the difficulties with our loved one? Don't we strive to take on most of his burden?
Is there a test more difficult, a difficulty more severe, a burden heavier than everyday life? So, maybe this is the true test of love - not just to walk side by side through everyday life, but also to turn its burdens into joys?
Happy is the one who at least once in his life has heard: “I hate washing floors, but in your room...” Or: “I don’t like cutting wood, but for your stove...” Well, what is it anyway? - Love?
If you want to build a happy family life, remember: the eternal “terra incognita”, the unknown land, where every new inhabitant of the planet, whether he wants it or not, is still a discoverer, inevitably Columbus? Maybe art, where everything is inspired? Or is it science, which has its own laws and rules, its own system of research and methods of victory? Perhaps it’s both, and the other, and the third.
The newcomer, for example, is always Columbus. How does he know what's over the horizon? Mainland or shallow, honor or shackles, worldwide fame or death in poverty? The future is closed for the newcomer. Alas, he rarely, almost by accident, stumbles upon his America.
The old saying goes: “First love is always unhappy.” Modern economists in such cases calmly state that this is the price for incompetence. And the fool is Columbus to the grave. Reckless, blind, funny sailor. His tenth ship goes down, and he begins to build the eleventh. Falls in love and falls in love. Well, aren't you a fool?..
And creative inspiration is a great thing in love. Because human relationships are also subject to the laws of art. With inspiration you can create a lot.
After all, how often unrequited love becomes mutual! Is the person lucky? Well, I do not. With his own hands, tears, patience, dedication, he created what he wanted. This is someone worth respecting! After all, it is sometimes more difficult than building a house.
How to create a happy family
Romantics will probably be offended, but love, alas, can also be perceived as a science. Not only “the science of tender passion, which Nazon sang,” but also something simpler, something purely everyday, at the level of elementary arithmetic.
To build a family life correctly, learn simple techniques and methods, it is quite possible to attract attention, arouse passion, jealousy, you can give, take away and give hope again. Sometimes it is possible to hold a simple-minded victim in your hands for quite a long time, deftly controlling his emotional impulses.
Newtons are not needed here, the count is within ten. How to sit down, how to stand up, how to turn away, how not to answer a letter, how to pull up a skirt, how to hug another or smile at another in time... A person who has thoroughly mastered this cybernetics of parties and discos rarely remains unloved: someone gets hit by shrapnel charge on the receiver of the collected charm.
If you want to create a happy family, remember love. He does not remain unloved, but he lives unloved. It is still unknown what is worse. It's a lousy thing to muzzle your own soul all your life... So what is love? The science? Art? Columbus Trail on the water?
It's not a matter of wording, it's a matter of the paths of life that everyone chooses for themselves. Which way is safer - this can probably be calculated. Well, who will live brighter and richer... They say that first love is always unhappy. Are you willing to throw it out of your memory?
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Every woman dreams of finding her soul mate and creating a strong, happy family. But what needs to be done for this? How to push a man and help him make this important decision?
Conventionally, there are 5 rules for creating a strong family:
- Preserve love and mutual understanding even in the most difficult and difficult situations. Marriage is not always pleasant chores and tender, reverent relationships. During your life together, a lot of situations may arise when you want to leave and give up everything. Support, mutual understanding and patience are the most important principles of a strong family life.
- The ability to find a way out and a solution that will suit all family members. There is no ideal person, everyone has their own shortcomings. To love and accept all the pros and cons of a person is the basis of a happy marriage.
- Frankness and trust. Any troubles at work, difficulties in sex life you can discuss, and not just hold a grudge and remain silent. There should be no secrets or embarrassment in the family. If something doesn’t work out in life, it’s much easier for two people to find a way out than for one.
- The ability to take a step towards a meeting. After a quarrel, try to discuss the cause of the conflict without emotion or anger and find a solution together. The most important thing is not to make hasty conclusions; it is better to ask your loved one directly and get an honest answer. Guesses, gossip and suspicions can destroy the strongest relationships.
- General occupation and interests. This does not mean at all that you need to work in the same company and do the same work. On the weekend, you can just go hiking, play Monopoly, watch your favorite movie. Family traditions and holidays play a huge role in a person’s life.
If you want to create strong family You must work on yourself, learn to share your feelings, emotions and experiences. Respect for the needs of another person, the ability to forgive and turn a blind eye to shortcomings are the main principles according to which life and everyday life are built together. Be sure to distribute responsibilities, tell your other half what you dream about and what you would like to achieve in life. Family life should not be burdensome and should not be perceived as a kind of restriction of personal freedom. It is in marriage that you can realize yourself as a woman, mother and spouse. Take care and appreciate each other - this is the secret of a happy family!
If you have difficulties in your personal life, you can also contact a specialist doctor with questions on how to improve your life, become happy and
Why are some married couples unable to live together for even a year, while others manage to celebrate their “golden wedding”? There are many reasons and they are all important for maintaining a stable and strong relationship.
When choosing a life partner, you should pay attention not only to appearance, but also to character traits and worldview. Beginning life together, spouses must be sure that they have common views regarding family relationships. Often couples with different life positions believe that over time everything will change and they will be able to come to a common opinion. However, in practice, everything happens differently - either one of the partners accepts the position of the other, or the marriage collapses. Mutual respect also plays an important role, which must be maintained throughout life together.
According to statistics common reasons Divorce of marriages is caused by cultural incompatibility and the partners’ belonging to different social strata. Relationships are strengthened by running a common business, spending time together, having family traditions. A married couple should find it interesting and pleasant to spend time together. But it is not necessary to arrange every day romantic dinner, because over time the romance may simply fade away. In the evenings and on weekends, you should find time for a walk together, a picnic in nature, playing chess or tennis, visiting the theater or cinema, and so on. All this helps to get closer and achieve mutual understanding. You should avoid extremes - you cannot limit each other’s freedom. And, of course, it’s hard to argue with the fact that marriages are strengthened by children, affection and a harmonious sex life.
Unfortunately, it is not always possible to save a family and after a divorce people decide to marry again. New family Now people create things that are mature and experienced, but they are not immune from failures and mistakes. For a second marriage to last, you need to let go of your past and start over with a clean slate. If a lot in the house reminds you of your ex, then it is recommended to get rid of objects that are associated with life ex-spouses, and just make repairs, rearrange furniture. It is necessary to realize that new partner- this is a completely different person to whom you need to get used and who in no case can be compared with ex-husband(wife). It's quite difficult to start a relationship if you have children. They may rebel and not accept a new family member. They should be understood, because they have a difficult time. You need to be patient and attentive when communicating with your child, and try to gradually improve your relationship with him.
In order not to destroy your second marriage, remember your past mistakes and try not to repeat them. Strengthen your family relationships - smooth out emerging conflicts, live in each other's interests, be ready to help and support in difficult times. Only through the common efforts of spouses can one create a strong family and live in harmony, love, and mutual understanding.
- Stage of patience. There are quarrels, but they are not of such a fatal nature. There is an understanding that the quarrel will end and the relationship will be restored. The thought runs through the couple: “This can be dealt with.” And here the law of conservation of energy comes into play: no energy disappears, it is transformed. The energy of patience is transformed into the energy of reason. And then we finally see our partner through the prism of reason, and not through our sensuality or selfishness.
— Stage of duty and respect. At this stage, an understanding comes that the partner is not obliged to do as I want. You begin to see your partner's strengths and your weaknesses. You begin to think not about what “my partner owes me,” but about what “I owe to my partner.” Focusing on your responsibilities is a powerful resource for developing relationships.
— Friendship stage. At this stage, common goals are formed based on common values.
— Stage of love.
Up to and including the fourth stage, we are focused on what is owed to us. In subsequent stages we focus on what we need to do.
When a woman gets married, she ends up in another family. We all know that sometimes relationships with mother-in-law are difficult? Without building harmonious relations With your husband's parents, you can hardly talk about a happy family.
Think about the word “married.” We are going for my husband. But the husband is a representative of his Clan. And in fact, we go under the protection of our husband’s Family. Hence the tradition of changing the surname. And we do this voluntarily.
If we realize this, then there will be no problem in the mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship. If you volunteer you consciously enter into your husband’s clan, then how can you deny his representatives, in particular the mother-in-law?
And in life, we often demand from our spouse a kind of renunciation of their family. In principle, this is the same egoism. And if you have a natural relationship with your mother, natural intimacy, then with your mother-in-law you need to make an effort. The mother-in-law, like the father-in-law, needs to pay more attention, i.e. invest more energy in a relationship than with their parents. The same is true for a spouse.
His attention, his energy belongs more to his wife’s parents than to his own. This formula gives excellent long-term results.
I can’t help but give an example from practice. The client made a request regarding bad relationship with my mother-in-law. We have reached the stage of understanding that the mother-in-law should pay more attention and love. How? The client had the following insight: I know that she really wants to get a pedicure, but she has problem feet and it’s difficult for her to find a pedicure specialist. Maybe, the best gift, a sign of attention will be a pedicure done by me. The client is a manicurist and pedicurist. In this process, something important happened for both of them: bowing their heads in front of the older woman and at the same time demonstrating their qualifications, which caused return respect. Relations have improved.
Olga, I know that in your course “Men’s Success. "Woman's Happiness" is a theme of family selfishness? What it is?
The selfishness of the spouses grows in proportion to the time invested in the family. The more and longer people are together, the more rights they claim from their partner. This is family selfishness, which pushes the family towards collapse. The position “Why me? Why not you? - destroys relationships. Attitude “I’ll be happy to do something for you myself!” — maintains, develops and creates relationships. Conscious selflessness towards each other saves. A higher form of selflessness, which reduces selfishness in the family, is doing for others, conscious selflessness outside the family.
Olya, what three main pieces of advice would you give to women who understand that they are responsible for peace and happiness in the family?
The energy of inspiration belongs to a woman - inspire your men. If a woman believes in her man, he reaches the top. If he looks like he’s lost, he’s lost. We women are very strong in the world, in the material sphere. Be chaste. Chastity is not just about getting married as a virgin. First of all, it is to be sure that for you the most the best man- your husband. Accept your men. Totally! Acceptance is unconditional agreement with some qualities, traits and characteristics of your man, without the desire to change it or fight it.
I would like to finish like this: A Woman gives a Man the right to do what he wants, while retaining the right to ask for what She wants.
Interview conducted and prepared by Tatyana Dzutseva
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