Shy child

Anna DMITRENKO

Four-year-old Lena timidly huddles at her mother's feet while two children - her friends - play animatedly on the playground. “Well, come over, these are your friends, have you forgotten?” - Mom persuades Lena. She pulls the baby by the hand: “Olechka, Dima, take Lena into the game!” “Come with us!” five-year-old Dima throws over his shoulder and continues to build a hut from twigs. And Lena remains standing on the sidelines, not daring to take part in the common cause.

Why does this happen: some children are lively and active, while others are timid and shy? How to help a shy child become more sociable and relaxed? If you are asking these questions, remember: about a fifth of all parents are looking for answers to them with you.

Natural predisposition

Back in the sixth century BC, Hippocrates identified four personality types, which we later came to call temperaments. In the fifties of the twentieth century, researchers again returned to the study of human qualities that persistently accompany him from early childhood to old age. The most common were restraint and lack of it. Psychologist Derome Kagan describes that reserved children show their temperament from the first day after birth, reacting to everything new with caution and hesitation. Such children tend to retreat or become irritated when encountering unfamiliar phenomena, become frightened by strangers, and seek refuge with their mother. According to research, about 20% of healthy babies are easily excited by an unfamiliar environment and then have difficulty calming down. Most of them subsequently become timid, cautious children.

It is very important for parents to properly raise a shy child, so as not to aggravate his shyness, but rather to smooth it out. Whether your baby grows up to be unsociable and nervous or calm and observant largely depends on you.

Errors in education

Our consultant - child psychologist Galina APOSTOLOVA. The underlying causes of shyness should be sought in early childhood. The feeling of YOURSELF under the age of five is the basis for the formation of the inner world of an adult.

Shyness is primarily associated with low self-esteem, which manifests itself in the fact that the child evaluates his capabilities and abilities lower than they actually are. Psychologists often interpret shyness as “a tendency towards solitude and secrecy due to lack of self-confidence”, “awkwardness in the presence of other people”.

Shy children experience their suffering in silence, not sharing with others, nevertheless, all of them appearance says: "I'm shy." Shyness in external behavior manifests itself in stiffness and awkwardness of movements, in the closed concentration of the child’s face. At the physiological level - even in increased heart rate and breathing.

The formation of this trait can be facilitated by:
early and therefore painful separation from the mother, which causes excessive sensitivity and dependence of the child on the emotional state of people around him, which, in turn, creates shyness and uncertainty in him;
excessive adherence to principles and strictness of parents, dependence of manifestations of attention and love on the extent to which the expectations of the father and mother are met;
inflated demands and expectations in relation to the child, which are often the cause of his problems in later adult life.

Don't compare your children to others

Three-year-old Vanya walks with his mother on the playground. “Well, go ride down the slide,” his mother pushes him. Vanya hesitantly heads towards the slide, carefully places his foot on the first step and stops, looking around at his mother. “I’ll catch you below, don’t be afraid, look: the kids aren’t afraid, but you are afraid. What a coward!” - the mother says with annoyance, trying to force her son to climb the stairs. “What a punishment! Why can other children do it, but you can’t!” - she sighs.

If your friend has a choleric tomboy, do not rush to envy: this baby has a different rhythm of development, and his mother has other, no less serious problems with him. Your main task is to believe in your child so strongly and convincingly that the baby believes you and is “infected” with your faith. Then he will become a confident person. After all, it is known: you can achieve something in life only by believing in yourself.

Be patient. Give them time to get used to the new

A week later, shy Lenochka was enthusiastically playing with Olya and Dima.
Her mother was simply tired of trying to involve her daughter in the team and left the child alone. Lena got used to her peers, studied their character, rules of communication, favorite games and, unnoticed by everyone, began to take part in joint games.

To rush a timid child means to put him into a state of psychological pressure, which tender and vulnerable children cannot withstand. The protective mechanisms of the psyche are triggered - children become even more isolated and withdraw into themselves.

Exhortations and lectures do not help

A child’s worries are irrational in nature, because a child himself, up to seven years old, lives in a world of feelings and images, and not common sense. It makes no sense to say “there’s nothing scary here.” You need to make your child feel safe. And what better drives away fear than mother’s affection, mother’s closeness?

Do not press under any circumstances!

Our daughter is very shy child, I was afraid of a lot. New people, unfamiliar spacious rooms, loud sounds, theatre, circus clowns, strange apartments. Our appeals to common sense yielded nothing.

More than a year our Nadya did not go to the circus or the theater. During this time, she grew up, forgot her previous worries, and her self-confidence noticeably strengthened. Then we went to the puppet theater. The dolls had been Nadya’s friends for a long time, and it simply didn’t occur to her to be afraid of them. Later, we successfully watched a circus performance, where her adored animals performed, and over time, we successfully “withstood” the performance of “live” actors in the children’s theater.

A shy, timid child needs to be given time to get to know each other, take a closer look, and understand the laws that apply in a new situation, be it a group of peers, a new teacher, a new apartment. Only after making sure that nothing threatens him there can he calm down.

Do not shout at children or in the presence of children

At 3.5 years old, Sanya was sent to music lessons. A musical, gentle boy, he loved songs and games to music. But there were several restless boys in the group. They often played around and interfered with our studies. The teacher made comments to them from time to time in a raised voice. Soon Sanya, with tears in his eyes, refused to go to the music. It seemed to him that it was he who was to blame for the teacher’s screaming, that it was him who was the reason she was dissatisfied. Sanya's mother treated this problem with understanding and transferred the baby to another group. She realized: if an impressionable child refuses to go to class, it is not the child who is bad, but his teacher.

Increased demands of parents are dangerous

Pasha is in first grade. His natural shyness, his mother’s excessive demands, and the teacher’s misunderstanding in the class led to the boy beginning to stutter when answering at the blackboard.

According to the observations of experts, it is in families where the leader is a woman that children often grow up shy, weak-willed and lacking initiative. In this case, protective behavioral mechanisms are triggered: unable to withstand harsh and close attention to oneself, due to excessive sensitivity, the child may, for example, constantly smile. A smile doesn't always suit the situation. So it was with Pasha. Under the teacher's gaze, the boy began to smile nervously. The teacher perceived his smile as a mocking grin, punishing him with a bad mark. Mom would “add” me at home for a bad grade. The result is stuttering.

So often, parents have to learn from bitter experience: being too demanding and strict towards children with a refined mental organization leads to the exact opposite effect.
Mom changed her behavior, and her son gradually regained a sense of self-confidence, he got rid of the fear of bad grades and internal constriction, and with them his stuttering went away

Shy children have great creative potential

Personal territory and the opportunity to be alone are especially important to them. Alone with themselves, they do not get bored, but play, adapting and adapting to difficult situations, comprehend and experience everything that happened before.

A shy child's fantasy world is very rich. And it is with the help of creativity that you can help your baby become more confident and sociable. Today no one would believe that our daughter was once a painfully timid child. She communicates easily, she has many girlfriends and friends, she is always cheerful and calm. How did this transformation happen? We're in kindergarten, where pressure and coercion were not recognized as a method of education. They developed and raised children there with the help of rhythm and melody, fairy tales and songs, drawings and games. The kids experienced overwhelming feelings in joint creativity. And as for imagination and fantasy, Nadyusha had no equal here. She got acquainted with the children, saw that there were many things, such as modeling, drawing, writing fairy tales, that she could do no worse, but better than others. This strengthened her faith in herself, gave her confidence and peace of mind. When visiting with unfamiliar children, she began to share her favorite stories with them and taught them “finger” games and songs. Less than half an hour had passed before the children were already playing together the game Nadya had invented.

Nothing brings people together like a common cause, common feelings

For the shy kid new team- a big problem. The mother of eight-year-old Ksyusha, who was having a hard time getting used to new school, I decided to help my daughter make reliable friends. If they went to the theater or museum, they always invited one of their daughter’s classmates with them. For a birthday, New Year On Easter and other holidays, a cheerful group of children would gather there, they would organize competitions, games, and a sweet table. Ksyusha began to feel confident among her classmates, acquired new girlfriends and positive communication experiences.

Positive experiences are the cure for shyness

Is it necessary to protect the baby from the difficulties of life if sooner or later he will encounter them anyway?
Yes, it's inevitable. The only question is whether he will meet them as a self-confident, balanced person, not burdened by complexes, or an intimidated loser, accustomed to his “second-class status.”

There is no need to “put your hands up” at every step; you need to create conditions for the development of independence and self-confidence. It is important for parents to provide their child with a certain freedom, the opportunity to make decisions and solve problems themselves. But it is equally important not to leave him alone with difficulties for which he is not yet ready. Remember: the experience of failures and defeats is grounding, the experience of victories and successes is inspiring. Help your baby!

Articles on similar topics.

Anastasia Pashchenko, psychologist
Portal Vladmama

Why is the child shy? To date, there is no list of reasons for this behavior. As a rule, the reason for excessive shyness is low self-esteem. There is, however, one exception - shyness/caution when communicating with people is normally characteristic of children from 7 months to 2.5-3 years. At this age, almost all healthy children begin to fear strangers (mostly adults, but sometimes children too).

This behavior is completely natural for a baby. In other age categories, shyness is a consequence of low self-esteem. It is wrong to think that low self-esteem develops in a child who is endlessly bullied, humiliated, or ignored by everyone around him. Sometimes just some little thing is enough for a child to suddenly, out of the blue (from an adult’s point of view), consider himself good for nothing and not interesting to anyone.

Shyness is a manifestation of defensive behavior.

The child tries to become invisible, to “put on a mask” in antics, to hide behind the mother, as if to “merge” with her. “It’s not me, it’s my mother now in front of you, but I’m not here,” the daughter seems to be saying, hanging on your neck. “This is not me, look, this girl is completely different from me,” she shows another person with her antics. Surely she behaves completely normally with people whom your daughter trusts. That is, the girl does not expect evaluations from them and is ready to be herself in front of them. And the fact that she is jealous of her only friend, is afraid of losing her, because some other girl may turn out to be better than her, “gets scared when children start complaining about her,” that is, she fears that everyone will find out what she’s like.” in fact" - confirms my hypothesis about reduced self-esteem + "At home requires constant uninterrupted attention," you write. That is, she constantly needs clarification that everything is fine with her, that she is valuable in herself - also speaks “for”.

It is natural that after embarrassment there comes a period of defiant behavior. “You did not respect my condition, showing me excessive attention, which was difficult for me to bear, hugging and kissing me without my consent. Well, now I will take revenge on you. And I will do something that you probably won’t like!” - approximately according to this “plan” the child acts. Please note that I wrote the word “plan” in quotation marks. This plan arises spontaneously, there is nothing planned or thought out here. The child acts reactively. There is an action and the baby reacts to it. "You didn't respect me, now I won't respect you."

What to do?

· Firstly, no matter how strange it may sound, “allow” to be shy. Knowing this peculiarity of the child, protect him from unnecessary questions, hugs, and especially kisses. Your daughter needs time to take a closer look, get used to it and decide whether or not to trust the person standing in front of her, even if she has seen him a thousand times before. You need to calmly, patiently and with understanding for some time the fact that your daughter is hanging on you and making faces. After all, now you know that the child is used to defending herself this way; she needs time to learn to behave differently. In my practice, there was a case when a mother deliberately persuaded her shy six-year-old daughter to be shy. It was before the New Year, and the girl had to go to a matinee. A few days before the matinee, the mother began to tell where they would go and what awaited the girl there. “But, of course, you don’t have to dance in a circle or sing songs. You can just sit on my lap and watch other children have fun,” this mother said calmly and without irony. What happened: the child was well informed what awaited him, what to prepare for, and was given the opportunity to choose to behave one way or another. By the way, at the matinee the shyness in this case disappeared.

· That is, secondly, when planning visits or meetings where the girl may begin to feel shy, provide her with as much information as possible about what awaits her. For many shy children, sometimes even a pleasant surprise can lead to the most unexpected consequences.

· Thirdly, provide the opportunity to choose how to behave. Here you can use fairy tale therapy techniques. For example, tell, or even better act out with the help of toys, a story about how a bunny or a princess (the character depends on the girl’s age, which you, unfortunately, did not indicate) was shy, embarrassed, made faces, hid, “lost” because this all sorts of pleasures and amenities, and, in the end, overcame this shyness and lived happily ever after. And in this story, reproduce typical behavior and words for your baby. It’s great if you are the shy hero in the game, and your daughter is the one persuading him to act differently.

Aggressiveness - back side shyness

The aggression that a girl sometimes displays may be a consequence of exploratory behavior typical of children preschool age, and be a way to “revenge” others for their “suffering.” The child does not want to be bad (and with low self-esteem he considers himself such), and tries to prove to others that this is not so + with the help of aggression. Based on what you wrote, I am more inclined to the first version. The girl watches a cartoon with unmotivated poking and insults in every frame and tries to reproduce them in reality in order to “digest” this information, understand how this happens and tries this behavior on her peers. Even if you don’t punish her physically, she probably knows that such methods exist and tries to “realize” them in the game. Watch the cartoon with her. Ask her gently what she likes about him. How she thinks the characters feel, why they act this way. If a child hits other children, asking why he does this is often really fruitless.

It is much better to ask after the incident whether it is possible to beat him himself? After all, if you can beat someone else, then you can beat him too. This allows the child to learn to “stand” in the place of another person and make the decision “not to hit,” not because the adult will punish, but for a completely different reason.

And one last thing. The most the best way Corrections for shyness (or rather low self-esteem) are forms of group work. For a preschool child, such work can, in principle, be any developmental activities where the teacher adheres to the principles of a humane and personal approach. Namely, it takes into account the child’s characteristics, is ready to “follow” the child, and not the program, at a pace that the child can cope with. In my opinion, this approach is ideally implemented in the classroom. according to the M. Montessori system.

The teacher will give such a child time to get comfortable and “get used to” the room where classes are held. Shy children in the group are under the protection and attention of an adult. The teacher makes sure that the child has the opportunity to independently choose his own activity, experience a sense of satisfaction and a sense of success from his activity. In a Montessori lesson, a shy child will always have the opportunity to express his opinion and make sure that he is heard. Gradually, each child becomes a full participant in the group process, sees his opportunity to influence it, begins to understand how other people influence him and learns to resist this influence in safe ways. The child learns to defend his choice, opinion, position. Learns to ask and accept help. In addition, our Center operates a “School of Conscious Parenting” for parents, conducting seminars and trainings. You can sign up for classes by calling: 232-12-92, 250-02-12.

Any parents are confident that their child is the best, most talented, most intelligent and savvy. Moreover, they really want everyone around them to be convinced of this. However, it often turns out that a child, who is smartly reciting rhymes to his family or counting objects around him, withdraws into himself in public and reacts to all requests to tell or show something in the same way: he blushes and hides behind his mother or father’s back. This is how childhood shyness manifests itself, most characteristic of children aged three to five years. At the same time, the parents themselves are simply perplexed why suddenly a lively and talkative baby turns into a silent one, ready to burst into tears because of very persistent adults...

Why is the child shy?

I would immediately like to draw the attention of parents that such behavior of a child should in no case be explained by the personal preferences of the baby. They say he loves his mother - that’s why he tells her everything, but he’s afraid of his grandmother, so you can’t get a word out of him. In fact, there is no connection – neither direct nor indirect – here! The baby can chat incessantly with stranger V public transport, but at the same time flatly refuse to count how many apples his beloved grandmother brought him - but this does not mean that he is offended by his grandmother or does not want to communicate with her.

Before deciding what to do about this behavior, you need to understand what causes it. The fact is that there is a genetic predisposition to embarrassment - in this case, you should simply accept that your child is like this and not force him to do anything. Shyness can also be temporary, because, as mentioned above, it is at the age of 3-5 years that children begin to feel shy in unfamiliar situations, but this goes away with age.

There may be another reason: a change in the usual environment. It is no coincidence that psychologists associate manifestations of shyness with three years old, because, as a rule, it is at this age that the baby goes from the usual home environment finds himself in a new environment for him - kindergarten. And here he will have to get used not only to new friends, but also to communicate with a lot of adults who perceive them differently than mom and dad. Moreover, it has been noted that this period of shyness is practically absent in “nursery” children, i.e. those who were aware of themselves while already in the team. And it is precisely in this third case that parents have something to work on if they want to rid their child of extreme shyness.

Shy baby: what to do?

First of all, parents should not forget that everything starts with them. The most common mistake is to “hand over” the child to a psychologist and wait for the result without changing yourself. Will this be beneficial? Hardly. But a lot of harm can be caused.

Start by trying to raise your child's self-esteem. To do this, give him tasks that he can easily cope with, and when he completes them, praise him as if he had set a world record.

Forget about punishments - even if you have practiced them before. There is nothing for which you can reproach your baby. If he attends kindergarten, talk to the teacher and get similar behavior from him. Remember, the more often the baby is told that he did something wrong, the more embarrassed he will be and avoid society.

And one more thing: exclude everything that could frighten the child. If he is afraid of the dark, do not try to force him to overcome this fear right now - everything has its time. If he is afraid to be alone, do not leave him under any circumstances, and especially do not use either the first or second fears as a punishment for bad (from your point of view) behavior. Remember that your love is the best medicine that can work real miracles!

Storchevaya Marina specifically for the site site

A shy child is a big concern for parents. However, you need to understand that shyness is a feature, but in no case a personality disorder.

Many mothers and fathers mistakenly believe that if a child is shy, then he suffers from low self-esteem. In some cases, shyness manifests itself only as a protective function of the body.

How can parents catch that fine line between low self-esteem and simple shyness? The answer will be revealed by facial expressions. If a child is very shy and cannot establish eye contact with the interlocutor, refuses to interact, most likely he has certain problems.

I suggest a few simple ones, but effective advice. Parents, taking them into account, will help liberate their child and make his life easier and more comfortable.

Tip #1 – Identify the cause of your shyness

The main thing is to understand in time. The reasons may be different: from non-verbal problems and deviations in mental development, to elementary difficulties and anxieties when establishing contact with others. My advice to you: always believe in the best!

By identifying the causes of embarrassment, you as a parent will know what approach to take to correct the problem.

Tip #2 – Become a role model

Children are extremely susceptible and imitate adults in many ways. If a child sees you as a timid and indecisive person, he will more likely will cross this line. Therefore, if he is shy, first of all, take a look at yourself from the outside.

Apply the role model of a determined person. For example, when placing an order in a restaurant, speak confidently to the waiter; if the situation requires it, make a remark. The child will understand that you can freely talk to people as equals without embarrassment.

If you see a person in need of help, take a step towards them. Gradually, repeating after you, your baby will become bolder and will be able to overcome the unpleasant trait of his character.

Tip #3 – Be in public places more often

When going to the supermarket, on a big holiday or planning a trip to football, be sure to take your child with you. In places with large crowds of people, it will be difficult for him at first, but the more often he interacts with the outside world, the more the child will understand that there is nothing dangerous in this.

Tip #4 – Teach social skills from an early age

Read books together about relationships between people. Learn the rules of etiquette and behavior in society. Reinforce the theoretical material you have learned practical exercises. Model possible situations and discuss behavioral errors.

Tip #5 – Help your child realize his aspirations

When a child is shy, he often cannot realize his desires and aspirations properly. When he is overcome by doubts and indecision, parents should support him, explain what the right thing to do is, and, if necessary, provide moral and physical assistance.

It is unlikely that you will be able to cope with a child’s shyness so quickly. You need to work on this every day. Consistency and patience are two key factors in successfully solving a problem.

Believe me, years will pass, and your grown-up baby will definitely thank you for your parental attention.

There are times when parents try to protect their child from any contact. Such complete isolation from society leads to the fact that the child does not know how to get along with people or make friends with his peers. Quite often, a child’s shyness is explained by his habits, character and lifestyle of his parents.

There are mothers who are withdrawn, gloomy, uncommunicative, they are suspicious and highly anxious, they are afraid of everything - the street, infections, fights, bad influences, and thereby they set an example for their children. As a result, the child grows up amorphous and helpless. Remember, an anxious, nervous emotional atmosphere is very harmful for a child, because such situations can lead not only to the child’s shyness and timidity, but also to neuroses. Also, a timid and shy child grows up in families where they are very strict and demanding towards him.

How to teach a child not to be shy?

Quite often, mothers wonder: what if the child is shy? Is it possible to teach him not to be shy around others? First of all, the child must be taught to communicate, he must be able to play with other children, and also get along with other adults. To develop communication skills, it is necessary to frequently visit playgrounds, sandboxes, parks... After all, it is in such places that a child can smoothly transform from a passive observer into a fairly active participant in games.

Feel free to play with your child in the sandbox, try to organize a game there with the participation of several children, try to invite the child’s friends to visit. Never shame such a child, do not leave him alone conflict situations, because children are sometimes very cruel, they are not only quick to notice the weaknesses of other children, but also love to make fun of them. Never criticize your child for being shy; on the contrary, try to encourage and praise him more often. Quite often, parents make the mistake of discussing their child's shyness with other adults in his presence. He should hear only good things about himself from the outside.

If a child is constantly afraid that something will not work out for him, does not believe in his abilities, and often worries about this, is dissatisfied with his appearance or their achievements, then these are signals that the child needs help. We need to help him find his positive sides, try in such situations to publicly evaluate the results of the child’s activities, his successes and simply personal qualities - neatness, for example.

At the same time, you can overcome your child’s shyness with the help of various trainings, organizing situations where your child can try his hand. Here you need to follow the principle “from the simplest to the most complex”; first you need to give easy tasks that your child will certainly be able to cope with. For example, you can ask your child to buy something on his own in a store, or help set the table at home if you are expecting guests. With such actions you will emphasize that the child can cope with assignments on his own. Thus, the child will accumulate positive experience of behavior in different situations. The main cure for shy children is warmth, attention and affection from their parents. Treat your child with respect as an adult, but at the same time remember that he is still a child.