Children grow up very quickly. It seemed that just recently you were reading bedtime stories to your son or daughter, but now they are finishing school. It is during this period that parents begin to have questions: is it time to stop fully supporting their children, or is it better not to force things? “I am a parent” will tell you more about how to let a child go into adulthood.
Two extremes
Some mothers and fathers take a rather tough position: as soon as the child graduates from school, they immediately inform him that he can now go to college and begin to support himself, looking for a job, and subsequently, separate housing. Others, on the contrary, resist in every possible way the manifestations of independence and by any means delay the moment of parting with adult children, advising them not to rush. The second position turns out to be quite popular in our country, which is not surprising. Late departure from the parental home is associated with a lack of affordable housing, difficulties in finding work, and the immaturity of yesterday's schoolchildren.
In fact, the correct behavior strategy is exactly in the middle between these two extremes. Let's figure out how parents need to behave in order to be timely and correct?
Give room for mistakes
Does not exist optimal age to “push” the child out of the parental home, because we have too many feelings, emotions and experiences associated with our growing children. I would like to provide them with timely support and protect them from possible troubles, but, on the other hand, without their own mistakes, children will never learn to cope with difficulties. Therefore, teach, tell, show, help, introduce, but do not do for the child what he can handle on his own. Give him responsibility for what happens to him. It's worth doing a little experiment: leave him alone at home for a few days and see if he can maintain order, cook his own food, pay utilities on time, make smart purchases and cope with daily tasks. Prepare in advance for the fact that the first experience may not be entirely successful, but this will give you an understanding of the stage of development at which your child is. If, upon your return home, it turns out that on the first day the child spent all the money left for him on entertainment, ate only pizza ordered at home, forgot to feed the pets and wash their litter box, and also did not pay the receipts, although you told him about it asked - he is still very far from independent life. And if he actually coped with all the assigned tasks, forgetting only about some little things, this indicates his sufficient maturity and readiness for independent life.
“Grew up” and “became an adult” are not identical concepts. If we want people to be proactive and responsible, we must provide them with the opportunity to demonstrate these qualities.
Discuss plans
As soon as your child graduates from school, discuss with him his future plans for life, but first decide for yourself: are you ready to help him financially while he is in college, or does he need to find a part-time job? Should the child unconditionally comply with certain conditions of living in your home in exchange for financial support from you? What will you do if his studies do not work out: he will be expelled for poor academic performance or he will change his mind about studying in this specialty? Will you give him one more try or will you confront him with the fact that the second time he must enroll in the free department on his own or earn money for the paid one on his own? Do you want to give your child the opportunity to live separately by paying for his rented housing, giving him an apartment that was previously rented, or moving him to his grandmother so that he can help her with the housework, or do you still want him to did he live with you?
The most important thing is to conduct the conversation as equals, treat the child as an adult. You should not expect adult actions from your child if you simply confront him with a fact and demand unquestioning compliance with your conditions! Look for compromises, negotiate, discuss and analyze. Do not change the conditions in the process, if, for example, you first promised to rent him a house, and after a month you suddenly decided that you were too hasty with this. And one more thing: when giving a child independence, it is first of all important to outline the framework for its manifestation. As you grow older, your boundaries should expand. Frameworks, or boundaries, are norms, rules, conditions, which should ideally be based on, in addition to safety, morality and family traditions. Independence outside such a framework is licentiousness and permissiveness, and it is not good for the child, since the child loses security.
Agree on the rules
If you have decided that your child will live with you while studying at the institute, it’s time to agree with him on certain rules. Voice a list of things that the child will do independently. For example, he can take care of his clothes himself; you can agree that he will do the grocery shopping, and you will do the cooking. If your child has already got a job or part-time job, ask him to pay part of the rent. Following these rules will teach him responsibility and understanding of key points adult life. Be sure to think in advance how you will react if your child wants to bring his girlfriend or young man: will you agree only to periodic overnight stays for a young couple with you, will you allow them to permanently live in your apartment, or prerequisite for this there will only be an official marriage.
While your child lives with you, you can help him get used to adulthood. But try to limit yourself exclusively to advice. If you see that your child is confused because he cannot choose the specialty in which he wants to study, talk to him, ask what he likes to do, what subjects were easier for him in school curriculum how he sees his future. . If a child has chosen college, but can’t decide on a part-time job, help him write a resume correctly, suggest companies that he can apply to, but don’t look for a job instead of him, especially if you can’t vouch for him 100%. After all, it often happens that parents recommend their son or daughter as an employee to their friends or acquaintances, but in the end the child turns out to be not a very good worker, and mom and dad then have to blush because of him. Do not scold your child for failures, because this lowers his self-esteem - it is better, on the contrary, support him and believe that he will definitely succeed.
With this approach, the child will quickly become independent, and you yourself will feel that the time has come to let him go into an independent life.
Victoria Kotlyarova
After finishing school, many children literally fly away from their parents' nest - on planes to another city to continue their studies at a university or college. How to cope with your fears and the conviction that without a mother the child will be lost?
Steps to freedom
Cutting the “psychological umbilical cord” is very difficult even for those parents whose children do not intend to leave their father’s home. As sad as it may be, it is during the period of a child’s growing up that all the problems that have accumulated during his upbringing come to light. For example, if a student is used to spending all his pocket money on chips and soda, parents will be afraid for his food quality and expenses.
■ Try to accept the fact that a child not only can, but should be independent at the age of 18. It’s unlikely that at the age of 22 he would have become the youngest billionaire in history if he had sat quietly under his mother’s wing. And you don’t have to say: “Well, mine isn’t such a genius...” If you don’t let him take a step on his own, he really may not be able to prove himself. Remember your youth: how did you perceive parental care?
■ Growing up is not a moment, but a whole period. If you are not ready to let your child go, you will still have to convince yourself that you need to start doing this right now, so that by the age of 20–25 he will have accumulated experience of mistakes and achievements. Then, by the time he creates his own family and builds a career, he will already have developed certain life guidelines.
■ Difficulties in “letting go” of a child are often associated with problems of trust in him. If this is the case, think about how to control the situations that worry you, but not deprive your son or daughter of independence. For example, if you are afraid that your child will be drawn into some kind of adventure when getting a job, ask him to show a copy of the contract.
Field of Dreams
When a child goes to another city, many parents imagine a picture similar to the one from the fairy tale about Pinocchio: insidious swindlers take away all the money, while promising mountains of gold, and most importantly, preventing them from studying! At the same time, not only ill-wishers, but also a son’s beloved girlfriend or a group of daughter’s friends fall into the category of “crooks.” Is the child’s new environment so dangerous?
■ The appearance of friends and acquaintances- sign successful adaptation new student. Therefore, because of unfamiliar words, new habits and beliefs.
■ The more friends he has, the higher the likelihood that he will not be left alone in difficult situation. Therefore, try to establish formal and superficial contacts with these friends on social networks. But don’t intrude and don’t try to find out something about your child through them!
■ The way a teenager manages freedom illustrates his ambitions and life priorities. If, once in Big city, he will plunge headlong into entertainment, you and your father are unlikely to be able to make him sit at his desk with angry calls and messages. Try to be your child's ally in any situation so that he is not afraid to return home in case of failure.
■ Success in studies and obtaining a profession depend on a person's own motivation. Therefore, if the idea of becoming a doctor was yours, but your child wanted something else and now, away from home, has decided to change his specialty, you will have to accept your defeat with dignity and discuss future plans together.
Three crusts of bread
Parents are especially concerned about the physical comfort of the child. Will he think of calling a doctor if he is sick? Will she forget about her allergy to flowers? Will he be able to? Practice shows that even the most capricious sissies, accustomed to breakfast in bed with a change of dishes, instantly learn to fry eggs in the dorm and eat them without salt or a fork before their roommates arrive. The feeling of hunger and everyday disorder are the main engines of progress and perfectly motivate yesterday’s schoolchild to appreciate every penny and simple everyday joys.
■ Many everyday problems often escape the attention of teenagers. They may simply not think about how clean laundry gets into the closet or soup into the pan. Try to fill these gaps by providing your child with simple recipes dishes and some “everyday” instructions. Tell him that he can call at any time - you will tell him everything! It is also important to tell your child about alternative paths way out of situations. For example, if there is no hot water, you can heat it in a saucepan instead of rushing around looking for a boiler.
■ Don't terrorize a child interrogations with passion and endless reminders of how to eat, dress and be treated. Don’t force him to brush off annoying lectures by provoking him to secrecy. Behave in such a way that he himself wants to share both successes and problems.
First experience
Summer camp is a very important experience for a student to live independently. Don't deprive your child of this.
- Don't send him far away. Let the camp be no more than 80 km from home, so that you can pick up the child at any time.
- Stick to the packing list provided by the organizers. It is compiled based on the experiences of other children and will help avoid surprises.
- If a child is going to camp for the first time, try to find him a trusted companion in advance.
How are we without him?..
Don't forget about your own problems. When a child grows up, resources are released in the family that need to be directed somewhere. Many parents don't know what to do free time, to whom to direct your care and control. Not everyone is able to find new interests in life and engage in self-development. Therefore, guardianship of a grown child is often... a cover for one’s confusion and difficulties in adapting to new conditions.
Accepting your child, letting him into your life when he is just born, and, having become attached, letting him go when he wants to live by his own mind, is probably the most difficult parenting test.
The meaning of life is leaving
If he leaves, how will the parent feel around him? Only emptiness. There will be no one to nurture and correct, there will be no one to prove one’s need, there will be no one to care about and no one to be angry with. Therefore, any means are used - illness, complaints, reproaches. Just to remain the most important person in your child’s life. If only the one who nourishes you is always there.
When a child plays some role in the family - for example, support, mediator, peacemaker. And how to let him go? Who then will console, support, extinguish family conflicts and carry the world on your shoulders?
When a child is the embodiment of parental expectations, who is expected to achieve what mom and dad could not or were not able to do, that he will become their continuation, live up to hopes and realize ambitious dreams.
It is important to understand that your child, of course, is very similar to you and in some ways is a continuation of you. But he is different. With its own characteristics, aspirations, desires. He has his own life tasks. And we must learn to notice these differences every day. But do not eradicate them, but emphasize and respect them. These differences allow us to remain ourselves: to be who we really are, and not who someone else thinks we should be.
It’s very scary to let go of your child, but it’s absolutely necessary. So that he has a chance to live his own life - independent, separate, his own. And if you continue to control him, solve problems for him, protect him from misfortune, tell him what is right and what is wrong, he will never become an adult. Will not be able to cope with difficulties. He will feel weak, incapable, inept. He won't know what it is to be a creator. own life. And - the saddest thing - will not be able to teach this to his children.
Let the child go. How?
In order for a person to become independent and adult, he needs to learn to make his own decisions, implement them, get things done, try again and take responsibility for his actions. Allow your grown child to make mistakes and face the consequences of their actions. Let him sleep through the exam or lose his entire salary in the first week. Let him run for retakes, “enjoy” the feeling of hunger and learn to plan his budget. And if he never learns, it’s his choice and his way of living.
Often parents cultivate a sense of guilt in their children, consciously or not, by constantly reminding them how much they owe them for everything they have done for them. But the fact is that our children do not owe us anything. They do not have to meet our expectations or brighten up our loneliness. The river of life flows from the past to the future, in one direction, and not backwards. Everything that we give to our children - life, care, material wealth - they pass on to their offspring. They do not borrow anything from us and, accordingly, are not obliged to repay this debt. They (just like us) received their lives as a gift. This is a gift. And this makes them people who can also simply give.
Instead of trying to build someone else's life, you need to take care of your own. Remember that you have your own interests, hobbies, needs, dreams. Look for what supports and inspires you in yourself. Show by your own example how interesting and colorful life can be. After all, we can only give to our children what we have ourselves. We cannot live our lives for them. This is their life. And we have our own.
Parents of one of the groups of the Salekhard kindergarten “Mammoth” asked the head of the school to organize a morning health filter for their children. They are unhappy that some mothers and fathers quietly bring children with coughs and snot to the group, creating a breeding ground for infection.
The initiator of the collective appeal is Natalya Kalugina, mother of three-year-old Kira. She was tired of endless sick days. A week ago, my daughter returned to kindergarten from the next newsletter. We were treated for two weeks, and asked the pediatrician to extend the sick leave for another five days in order to consolidate the result. Fingers crossed, we returned to the kindergarten, and there again one of the kids was coughing...
We have already tried to reach an agreement with parents through the Viber group, saying, let’s not bring sick children. Everyone agrees that this is correct. There are no protesters. But again and again a coughing child appears in the group, or a child comes into the locker room to blow his nose into his handkerchief,” Natalya is indignant. - The teachers claim that they discussed this problem with their parents, and they respond: “This is how the pediatrician prescribed us, these are residual effects” or simply irritably say “I have to go to work.” There is a resolution on the organization of morning filters, says Natalya, let the kindergarten administration bring the work into compliance with the document.
The head of “Mammoth” flatly refused to comment on the situation with the incidence of children and discuss with “Red North” the nuances of morning health filters.
This topic is truly a pressing one,” confirms Svetlana Chesnokova, head of the Kristallik Municipal Budgetary Educational Institution. “Children with asthmatic or allergic manifestations are increasingly being brought to us. It is dangerous for such people to come into contact with sick people, because the infection primarily kills weakened children. Sometimes it’s enough for them to spend a couple of hours in the same group with a sick person in order to get on the ballot again,” says Svetlana Viktorovna.
The head believes that two nurses and a pediatrician who comes in the morning three times a week are not able to provide attention to 347 pupils kindergarten. However, if there were more doctors, this would hardly change anything. There is always a parent ready to push a sick child into the group and hastily retreat. Such people always have a bunch of excuses in stock: rush job, strict bosses, affairs...
To stop the bringing of sick children, we periodically practice, especially in junior groups, handing over the child against signature. The parent passed, the teacher accepted. At meetings we explain why there is a special notebook in the locker room. This somehow manages to hold adults accountable for their children, says Svetlana Chesnokova. “But there are also those who are not restrained by any restrictions: “I have to go to work, I don’t know anything.” If some law prescribed a measure of responsibility for parents, then this problem would disappear.
Thorough examination, prevention and no snot
At the Scarlet Flower kindergarten in November, parents do not complain about frequent ARVI.
In the morning, the children are given a thorough filter, through which no one who is sick can get through.
“I take two children to the Scarlet Flower,” Anastasia Polyakova told Krasny Sever. “I don’t remember either the youngest or the eldest in the group having parents bring in sick children. Every morning everyone is examined by a nurse. She is experienced and immediately sees who is not feeling well. My children almost never get sick here. In the garden there is a swimming pool, sauna, massage. All this helps them grow healthy.
Tatyana Kokorina, head of the kindergarten, states: a child with signs colds they will not be allowed to attend classes. A sniffling baby is immediately isolated until the parents arrive. There is a special room for this in the first-aid post.
Last year we had a group for frequently ill children, but not this year. Nowadays, compensatory orientation is more in demand: groups for children with musculoskeletal disorders, delayed mental development, for pupils with complex developmental disabilities. Nevertheless, the health-improving focus remains, says the interlocutor. - We have excellent teachers, experience, equipment and medical support.
Yes, the “Scarlet Flower” does not provide treatment, but residual effects after a cold can be removed in the physiotherapy room, which is equipped with everything necessary. In addition, teachers practice exercises and physical education barefoot to strengthen them. Children take courses of ascorbic acid. During an epidemic of influenza and ARVI, their noses are smeared with oxolinic ointment.
Sometimes, after being exposed to cold air for a long time, a child may develop a runny nose. How not to confuse it with a viral infection?
If a baby has a virus, it is immediately obvious from his appearance. “He has red eyes, a sore throat, and a fever,” says nurse Tamara Gavrilovets. - It happens that this is how allergies manifest themselves. In both cases, we isolate the child and inform the parents.
COMMENTS
“You need to be treated in a hospital, but healthy children should be taken to the garden!”
Natalya Ashcheulova, head of the Salekhard children's clinic, believes that the high incidence of illness among kindergarteners is not related to the number of medical staff in kindergartens. It's all about the irresponsibility of some parents.
We have SanPiN on organizing the work of preschool educational institutions, where it is stated that a health worker must examine children daily,” explains Natalya Leonidovna. - But the reality is that in everyone preschool institution As a rule, there are one or two health workers for three hundred to four hundred children. Do you think with such modest forces it is possible to examine all the children at once in the morning? Yes, nurses will do this, but only during the day.
Now the mechanism of morning filters is as follows: teachers receive children in the morning. For those who suspect the disease, a nurse is invited. When obvious signs They call my mother for ARVI,” the interlocutor continues. - But it often happens that a parent can also argue with the teacher that such a child’s condition is the norm, and after three days, “after sitting out”, she takes the untreated baby to kindergarten, because work comes first.
Natalya Leonidovna considers the widespread opinion among parents that frequent illnesses V early age- this is the norm.
No wonder maternity leave given to mothers under three years of age so that they can sit quietly with the child. The immune system is formed during the first three to four years of life, only then is it ready to fully resist infections. And when the child is sent to kindergarten at one and a half years old, the baby naturally begins to get sick. The immune system is not ready to deal with viruses; it is exhausted and exhausted. The child develops a secondary immunodeficiency, and then acute respiratory viral infections are easily complicated by pneumonia, the doctor explains. - Taking a sick child to kindergarten is simply a mother’s choice. They forget that their main task is to raise healthy children. Personally, both of my children stayed at home until they were five. And when we went to kindergartens, we didn’t get sick, because the immune system ripe.
Why do you need to look for someone who will tell your parents “no”? After all, everyone understands that sick children cannot be taken to the group.
Natalya Leonidovna considers kindergartens or groups for frequently ill children to be a dangerous undertaking. There, children with weakened immune systems will not stop getting sick when all around them are equally weakened.
You need to get treatment in the hospital, and take healthy children to the kindergarten,” the interlocutor summed up.
Why don’t there be herbal bars, caving chambers and physiotherapy rooms in kindergartens?
Parents often ask this question. Natalya Ashcheulova explained that these services are not included in the territorial compulsory medical insurance program, therefore, no money is allocated for this.
Once, when I was still a psychology student, at a lecture on family psychology There was a conversation about children's independence. In the context of what modern parents Children are led by the hand until they are 14 years old, and then they are surprised at their immaturity. At that time, my son was about 6 years old. And I suddenly realized with horror that he had never even left the apartment without me in his life.
I came from a lecture, gathered my will into a fist and said, well, well, you’re going to take out the trash now. You don’t talk to anyone, you run to the trash heap (at the other end of the yard) and back. One foot here and the other there. Well, he happily grabbed the trash and ran off. And I opened the window and breathe. Paranoia - set to off. Well, I think I’ll stay here now, time will fly by. At least I can count the leaves on the tree. I think. I even remembered the prayer. I also remembered the family psychology teacher. But the boy is still missing. I look at my watch. It's been a minute and a half. Well, I count the leaves again, then the Our Father, then the clock. And so much time has passed. Four minutes. Then I couldn’t stand it, and into the entrance.
And now what I didn’t know. At all. And psychologists are not told this at lectures. And I had no way to know this, because it seems that I was born right away with a key around my neck, and in senior group kindergarten I felt like I was about forty years old. To teach a child independence, he must be taught this. Tell him that in 3 days he will take out the trash himself. Take him by the hand, and the garbage in the other hand, and go to the trash heap. On the way, meet a dog and explain why it is better to go around it, say hello to the grandmothers on the bench and tell them why they are safe, show where the cars start from in the yard, and so on. And the next day, repeat this experiment, only give the garbage to the child and do not hold his hand. Every other day, walk 10 steps behind. And after two - quietly fry potatoes while he takes out the trash. Because the child knows where to go and what to do, and your paranoia knows that the child knows. And everyone is fine.
This is, of course, very conditional. And it is important to “rehearse” as much as necessary, until the child is sure that he is not afraid to do something alone.
The more multi-step the process, the longer the training. For example, on the way to school there is also a roadway with a traffic light, and inside the school there is a changing room and changing of second shoes. And this independence, like an elephant, can be eaten in stages. The main thing is to start.
From a psychological point of view, the process of child development resembles the process of the birth of life. When a sperm and an egg meet, life begins; when a cell begins to divide, life develops. How harmoniously the separation (separation) of the child from the parents will take place depends on the quality of attachment with the earliest object, usually the mother. And since this same mother had nowhere to get the experience of reliable attachment, since her grandmother sent her to a Soviet nursery at two months and went to work, then best case scenario Mom read about attachment somewhere and is trying as best she can. And at worst, she does what they did to her.
Psychoanalysts distinguish between separation—the child’s exit from a symbiotic fusion with the mother—and individuation—the presence of those childhood achievements that convince the child that he has his own individual characteristics.
These are two interconnected, but not identical processes; they can proceed at different speeds, lagging behind each other or ahead of each other. They normally last from six months to three years for a child.
For those whose childhood occurred during the times of the canons of Soviet ideology, and not attachment theory, separation - that is, physical separation - most likely happened early, abruptly and traumatically. And therefore, there is a high probability that this generation of mothers will act in two ways in relation to their child - hand over to the grandmother and immerse themselves in work, or implement the anti-scenario - “hand in” the job and immerse themselves in the child. He will run after him around the playground until he is 6 years old, take him to school until he is 12 years old, and take him to school until he is 16 years old. Maybe he’ll even learn to roller skate, put baubles on his arm...
What will happen to individuation? How can a child distinguish between “his” achievements and “ours and my mother’s” if constantly “we drank”, “we peed”, “we know everything down to one letter” and “we were asked so much in physics”? With difficulties. The developing part of the child’s personality will look for loopholes - for example, a laptop can become a symbol of separation, because the mother does not understand anything further than social networks, and the son mastered programming by the eighth grade. And the mother will hate “this gadget that you can’t tear yourself away from”, scream about dependence and meaninglessness, and the child will run into his competence, individuality, in order to break out of the glue of maternal codependency and meanings.
Attachment theory is often used by parents as a theoretical basis for using the child for their own narcissistic expansion. When from the outside any mother’s undertaking is presented as if it is “for him,” but in fact it is “for herself.” This, for example, is easy to see in children's sports sections, modeling agencies and other “achievement” places.
It’s not difficult to test your life in this regard: if you remove photos of children from Instagram, how many of yours will remain? If you remove stories about victories and the cost of your five-year-old gymnast’s outfits from your friend’s phone conversation, then how much will you talk about adults, women, personal, professional?
It is possible to notice this imbalance from the inside, but giving up the bonuses that a child brings to self-esteem is not easy. All the stories described above are just like being stuck at the stage of symbiosis (normally lasts from one to five infant months), in which the child has little chance to develop and live his own life. There is such a beautiful metaphor - about an apple tree on which the apples ripened and began to fall to the ground. Those that fall under the mother tree will most likely either rot and become fertilizer for the “parent”, or a barely viable branch will grow, which will not be destined to develop into a tree - without light, on the earth depleted by the “mother”. Those who roll away may well find themselves in “their place in the sun” and live their apple life, growing into beautiful healthy trees.
If you want to learn more about harmonious separation, you can read a banal textbook on developmental psychology. Or listen to psychologists Petranovskaya and Murashova. If a mother wants to go deeper into the question, then you can read Spitz - about the first year of life, Margaret Mahler - about the second and third years of a child’s life, Winnicott and Erik Erikson - about the “good enough mother” and the stages of growing up.
By getting a rough idea of what age and degree of separation a child requires, a mother can prepare herself and her child for these transitions. I like the idea of smoothness, gradualness. To teach a child independence, he must be taught this. Using “take out the trash” as an example.
There are cases in which it is better not to figure it out on your own, but to go to a psychologist. To help yourself live your life, and your child his life, and not pass on the “hot potato” of trauma to the next generation. These are the following situations:
− you are scared to even think about the child’s possible independent movements, because in your childhood experience or your child has experienced life-threatening situations (dangerous injuries, serious diagnoses, violence, accidents, disasters, child deaths);
− you are filled with a feeling of anxiety before each competition/performance of your child;
- you think sadly that when he grows up, your life will lose meaning;
- you feel such tenderness and love for your child that your husband, friends, relatives have faded in comparison with “your charm” (and the charm is older than a year).
