• “I will leave beautifully”

  Pskov ninth-graders Denis Muravyov and Ekaterina Vlasova dated for six months and more than once ran away from home together. The last time they decided to live with Vlasova’s stepfather - he worked as a special forces soldier and had a safe with weapons. On the third day of searching for her son, Denis’s mother called the police. Denis opened fire with a gun as soon as a police “bobby” drove up to the gate. It took several hours to negotiate unsuccessfully with the schoolchildren. All this time Denis and Ekaterina. On the evening of November 14, SOBR carried out an assault. When the special forces burst into the house, the children were already dead. The day before Catherine published Farewell posts on social networks:

  "I loved you,
  But you yourself didn’t notice how you destroyed my psyche and life.
  Goodbye to all, friends, family and acquaintances.
  Don't worry, I'll leave gracefully.
  Good luck to everyone in your life and please don’t be afraid to live the way you want or see fit.
  Living for your own pleasure is the best life.
  Love you".

  "I'm not a hostage,
  This is my conscious choice."

  "Simferopol shooter"

  On September 26, 2015, at an ambulance substation in Simferopol, a man opened fire on medical staff. Two doctors were killed and two were wounded. At the crime scene they found a piece of a cardiogram with the inscription:

  “This is revenge, it pressed on my chest.”

  The shooter fled. A month later, a man’s body was found in the forest, torn to pieces by animals. The examination established that the man had shot himself, and a hunting rifle lay nearby. It was 55-year-old Bekir Nebiev, who was in conflict with doctors due to allegedly incorrect diagnoses.

  “If everyone destroys at least one bastard”

  The murder of Stella-Bank director Denis Burygin in Rostov-on-Don became known on April 7. Burygin was killed right in his office, and the body of the killer was found nearby - 54-year-old Sergei Feldman, who shot himself on the spot. Feldman turned out to be a businessman whose career had been declining over the past few years. The last straw was two loans from Stella - for 230 and 266 thousand dollars. Feldman left a note at the crime scene. Here are its fragments:

  “Monstrous chaos. The courts do not want to objectively understand the situation and take the side of the bank. Recently, in the corridors of another court, the head of the legal department of the bank, Dyachenko, bluntly told me that “everything has been captured in the courts.” The bank takes everything away from the debtors, and they still owe the bank. Then these debtors are thrown out of the windows... This awaits you too.

  ...Why should I lie. I will soon stand before God's judgment.

  ...I have no other choice but to defend my rights myself and punish the scoundrels and scoundrels who have gone too far with extreme greed and impunity... I really don’t want to die... But even more, I don’t want to live like a powerless brute... If everyone will destroy at least one bastard, perhaps life will become better and cleaner...”

  "Russian Sugar"

  On December 24, 2014, in Belogorsk, at the Russian Sugar trading base in the city center, Vitaly Zheleznov shot his wife Irina Zheleznova and one of the company’s employees with a Tiger carbine, after which he attempted to commit suicide. He died already in the hospital. Zheleznov often came to his wife at work to persuade her to return to him after breaking up. On the day of the massacre, he left a note in his diary:

  “I begged her on my knees to come back, but she didn’t understand. Goodbye everyone!

  “For me, this is enough reason to take up arms.”

  Disabled Sergei Rudakov prepared for the crime for several months. On August 24, 2010, in the Nizhny Tagil branch of the social insurance fund, Sergei shot lawyer Yuri Stoletov and director Elena Skulkina at point-blank range, and then shot himself. Rudakov was injured at work in 1991, and since then has unsuccessfully sued social workers. Rudakov sent two letters with statements in advance: to the Nizhny Tagil Rabochiy newspaper and to the local branch of the Communist Party of the Russian Federation. “Snob” publishes the 9-page text of letters, abundantly criticizing the authorities and filled with conspiracy theories:

  “Until 1995, I worked in the Far North in the Yakutalmaz association (now ALROSA). Received a work injury in 1991. Received disability payments from the company until 2000. Payments were gradually reduced, not corresponding to 60% disability. My questions about the reasons for the management of the enterprise were always answered that everything was done strictly in accordance with the law. Since 2000, payments have been transferred to the Social Insurance Fund of the city of Yakutsk. Fund officials have reduced payments by 4 times!!!

  ...The entire history of mankind consists of wars, redistributions, and struggles for power. And this is destruction, merciless exploitation of people for the sake of the interests of the “rulers.” A mechanism is needed to ensure that any government faces inevitable, strict, criminal liability, even for a simple (minuscule) drop in the standard of living of the people. According to the principle, the higher the position in power, the greater the responsibility. UTOPIA.

  On March 26, 2009, entrepreneur Ivan Ankushev shot and killed the head of the Kirovsk city administration, Ilya Kelmanzon, and the director of the municipal enterprise “Kirov housing and communal services”, Sergei Maksimov, with a TT pistol, after which he committed suicide. The killer owned several stores, was socially active, and repeatedly sued various authorities over taxes and loans. A short letter from Ankushev was found on Kelmanzon’s desk:

  “Letter about confrontation. I, entrepreneur Ivan Ankushev, do business and own four stores. I am not given the opportunity to do what I think is necessary. There is no hope for the integrity of the arbitration court. You destroyed me. I won't live to see the mushrooms. This is my favorite activity."

Today's topic of our conversation does not promise to be easy. We're talking about suicide notes. And immediately associations with suicides arise. But in most cases, they are the ones who leave farewell messages. Let's talk about it.

Suicide note and suicide

Is a person who dies without permission weak or strong? How to decide on this? For most people this is simply not possible. Why is this happening? As a rule, the answers lie in dying messages. The cause may be illness unrequited love, a huge debt hole and many other circumstances. In them, suicides ask for forgiveness for their unauthorized death, or, conversely, blame someone for their death.

The number of young people who have passed away is growing every year. It's not just scary, but in most cases it can be avoided and prevented. You need to hear your children and participate in their lives. Internal changes and torment are difficult, you should not hide from problems, you need to solve them, help your child always and in everything.

The scary thing is that many teenagers spend a long time preparing for this incredibly unreasonable step. They watch forums, communicate with similar potential suicides, study information on how to correctly write a suicide note. But by their actions they warn of their intention to leave this world.

Let's talk about teen suicide

Young people aged 10-14 years commit suicide more often. However, it cannot be said that these are children from bad families. In 78% of cases it was found that they lived in decent conditions.

There is no clear answer to the question of why children take this terrible step. Psychologists, working with children who managed to survive after a suicide attempt, have identified several main reasons:

1. Hopeless love. Adolescence is a period of growing up. Children look at the world differently. Change physiologically, leaving a comfortable home peace. They begin to build different relationships with others. From the age of 12-13, children copy the character traits of people in whom they see their idol. Therefore, it is very important to remain a friend and, of course, a model of behavior for the child. The child must be confident that you will support him in any case, listen to him and give advice.
2. Loss of meaning in life. For whatever reason, a child may become self-absorbed and shut down. This could be problems with peers at school, bad relationships with family. And parents, not noticing the problem, will be happy that the child is calm and diligent. You need to feel your child, be interested in his life, and constantly talk.
3. Loneliness. A very common problem. Sometimes, due to various reasons children are left to fend for themselves. When parents disappear at work, and an old grandmother looks after the child. They lack attention. And then they begin to try by any means to turn it on themselves. And suicide is one of the means. The child goes to extremes so that his cry from the soul can be heard, and in most cases he does not want death, but one cannot joke with it. A pretend death can become real.
4. Death out of spite. Children often manipulate their parents in this way if they do not buy or do something. Like, I’ll die to spite them, let them suffer.
5. Family dramas. Scandals and troubles that occur in front of children very often become the cause of suicide. They become depressed, the terrible stress they experience with unstable mental development, makes the situation worse. It's hard to deal with this problem on your own. It's even worse when in the middle of family drama the child unwittingly witnesses the words that he is a burden and a hindrance. In most cases, this becomes the last straw for taking a terrible step into the abyss, and the suicide note left behind is all that remains...

Parents, find time for your children, show you care, give love and affection. We devote so much attention to this issue because child suicide is a tragedy for all humanity. Suicide notes from teenagers ring a bell...

Alarm Signals

To never find terrible letters, you need to learn to see and hear your children. What to pay attention to:

1. Closedness. If a child sits at home, locked in a room, does not go outside, is not friends with anyone, and is taciturn with you. Communicate more, hug, kiss the child. The child must understand that he can always turn to you for help.
2. Indifference. The child is not interested in anything, is able to study well, but without enthusiasm, to fulfill the requirements, due to the lack own desires. Offer to do something, join a section or club. Having acquired a hobby, he will perk up and find meaning in life.
3. Simulating illness and making up scary diagnoses. In this way, the child conveys that he is lonely and in pain, but when you are nearby, it becomes easier. Then they gradually come to suicide and begin to scare people with it. But unfortunately, there are many cases when a faked death became real.
4. The most alarming call is when children talk and imagine how bad it will be for their family and friends without them. At first, they often think about suicide, but these are just thoughts at the level of imagination. The more often you turn them around in your head, the less absurd they seem. An idea grows into a thought form. One minor breakdown could be the last straw. If you notice these symptoms in a child, contact a competent psychologist.

There may be many reasons, but if you love your child, it’s hard not to notice them; just don’t turn a blind eye to alarm bells.

You ask, who is to blame?

Child psychologist O. Voroshilova, who treated children after suicide attempts, claims that the full blame lies with the parents. And in most cases it turns out that the children lived in families with a poor psychological climate.

It is important for the child:

1. Understand that there are no unsolvable problems.
2. To know that parents will always hear and understand.
3. Have confidence that when you come with grief, you will not reject it, but will support it, and will not read moral teachings.
4. So that his relatives take his problems seriously and with understanding.

You should be happy that the child turned to you, and not to a friend, and shared his happiness or misfortune. This means he trusts, and together we can overcome all difficulties. The main thing is to show the child that life is amazing and beautiful, and no matter what happens, there is a way out.

How do people decide to cross the line in life?

The statistics are terrible; over the past twenty years, about 800 thousand suicides have occurred in Russia, and the country is in second place in the world in terms of the prevalence of suicides. Men take their own lives more often than women; the average age of suicides for men is 45 years, for women - 52 years.

What is suicide? Causes

This is nothing more than an extreme way of escaping from oneself. A person at the moment of this deep personal crisis experiences severe emotional overload, and suicide for him is seen as the only (unreasonable) way out.

Suicide can be divided conditionally into accentuated and real. An imaginary suicide occurs in a state of passion, and the suicide note is not found at the scene of the tragedy. In most cases, such suicide does not end in death, because the person shouts out his inner pain and asks for help.

Real suicide is a carefully planned event. The dying message is written consciously and contains meaningful information. What pushes people to take this desperate step:

• unrequited love;
• family dysfunction;
• feeling of loneliness;
• serious illness;
• loss of a loved one;
• state of depression.

A suicide note may indicate who drove him to this extreme. So, the reasons:

• physical and moral bullying;
• bullying;
• rape;
• religious fanaticism;
• blackmail, slander, humiliation.

But this is punishable by law. This is stated in Article 110 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation “Incitement to suicide”. The World Health Organization has provided data that there is one suicide every 40 seconds in the world, and there are 20 times more attempts to commit suicide than deaths from suicide.

Let's talk about the dying messages of famous people

The presenter of the TV Center channel, Boris Notkin, passed away at the age of 75. He was found dead at a dacha in the Odintsovo region near Moscow. A note was found next to the body. What was written in Notkin's suicide note? It was the cause of his death. He voluntarily died because he was tired of suffering. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in May 2017. Notkin's suicide note testified to his voluntary death.

The famous TV presenter decided not to suffer, because the disease turned out to be incurable, and to commit suicide. Nearby was found a suicide note from Boris Notkin and a hunting rifle, which he allegedly purchased for defense, from which the gunshot was fired. Boris Notkin's suicide note was discovered by his wife.

Another loud shock

In 1994, the lead singer of the cult group Nirvana, Kurt Cobain, passed away. Afterwards, a suicide letter was found, written by the musician shortly before his death.

It was kept secret due to doubts whether it was his handwriting and when it was written. But Washington state authorities nevertheless released the contents of Kurt’s suicide note, which was attached to the case file.

His body, shot in the head, was found on the floor of his Seattle apartment four days after his death. The murder weapon lay on his chest. Cobain's suicide note was addressed to his fictitious childhood friend Bodde.

A large dose of heroin was found in the blood, but the police announced that the cause of death was a gunshot wound. Let's talk about the contents of Cobain's suicide note. But first, let us remember the facts of his biography.

What kind of rock idol is he?

He grew up in an ordinary family, his father is a mechanic, his mother is a waitress. His interest in music arose at the age of two. His aunt and uncle were also musicians, and at the age of seven, Kurt received from them

As an eight-year-old boy, going through the divorce of his parents is very difficult. After this family drama, he becomes closed and even hostile. Cynicism manifested itself in his character. At first he lived with his mother, then his uncle committed suicide. Kurt loved him endlessly. Then he moved to Montesano to live with his father, but, not finding a common language with his new wife, he left his house. As a teenager, he lived alternately with both parents.

Musician Warren Mason taught fourteen-year-old Kurt to play the guitar. After graduating from school, the guy hung around for a long time, having fun with friends. In 1986, he got a job, and on the eighth day he was arrested for drinking alcohol on foreign territory.

Subsequently he organized musical group, which soon broke up. Then the group Nirvana was born. The music combined two styles: punk and pop. The group gained incredible popularity in 1991. The halls attracted thousands of spectators. His wife became their daughter.

The death of an idol

Since childhood, Kurt suffered from psychological disorders and was forced to take special medications. And also at a young age, he tried drugs and became interested in them, becoming truly addicted. Of course, his parents’ divorce had an impact, and his paternal uncles, alcoholics, mentally ill people who committed suicide, left their mark on his psyche.

The musician began using heroin and suffered a severe overdose. Friends persuaded him to go to a clinic for rehabilitation, but he ran away from it.

On April 8, 1994, a friend found him dead in his home. Fans continue to believe that a murder was committed.

Kurt Cobain's suicide note in Russian had the following meaning

The beginning tells that he has lost the meaning of life and his love for music. Kurt talks about his shame about this, writes that standing backstage when the roar of the crowd explodes, his heart does not skip a beat. That he doesn’t have the same passion for his work as Freddie Mercury, who appreciated every second spent on stage, loved the audience and basked in their applause. He opens his soul, turns himself inside out, saying that he is unable to deceive his viewer. He doesn’t want to pretend anymore and go on stage, the time has come to leave it. Shouting about great love for people, fans, shows his humanity. His emotional state was brought to a boiling point of no return.

He remembered his wife and daughter in the letter. He expressed boundless love for them. Conducted a subtle psychoanalysis of seeing myself in my daughter. Frances is a dead rocker and becomes self-destructive and miserable like him. He is grateful for his good life, but marks the seven-year mark of the psychological breakdown of a child’s soul, about hatred and love for humanity. He considered himself too impulsive and predictable. Having lost his passion, he chose a bright and short life, in fact, boring, meaningless and long. These were his last words in the letter. He expressed his love for his wife and daughter and asked his wife to never give up for Frances, whose life would be better without him.

After the death of the great musician, his diary gained enormous popularity, whose quotes became just as legendary. People's suicide notes indicate the loss of a loved one, a friend, an idol. Reading them, you understand that the person is no longer there, only lines remain.

Mikhail Zadornov

Quite recently, the outstanding writer and satirist Mikhail Zadornov passed away; he left us at the age of 69. He was a member of the Russian Writers' Union and published more than a dozen books. He was the author and presenter of many television programs, in particular such as “Full House” and “Laughing Panorama”.

A year ago he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He published information on the social network VKontakte that for this reason the concerts were cancelled. After a course of chemotherapy in a Berlin clinic, Zadornov underwent rehabilitation in the Baltic states. The disease could not be overcome. They decided to stop the painful treatment.

On November 10, 2017, the great satirist Mikhail Zadorny passed away. He said that all treatment methods have already been tried, nothing helps. My last will was the desire to go to Jurmala and live out my life there in peace, surrounded by loved ones.

Zadorny’s suicide note is less a message than a demand, in which he outlined three wishes:

• Save the library Nikolai Zadorny in Riga, do not stop financing it.
• The second desire was the will to be buried in my father’s grave.
• Transport the body by land transport.

The legendary satirist Mikhail Zadornov will remain forever in our hearts.

About the dying message of V. Mayakovsky

The death of the poet remains a mystery to this day, whether he left this world himself or was helped to do so. Let's talk about the contents of the poet's suicide note, which dates back to 1930. He wrote the message two days before his death. At first, doubts arose whether this letter was his, since it was written in pencil, with practically no punctuation marks. It was later determined that it was genuine.

So, what was written in Mayakovsky's suicide note? The great poet asked not to blame anyone for his death and not to speak badly about him after his death, saying that the dead did not like it. He asked for forgiveness from relatives and friends, warning that this was not a solution, and this should not be done, but not in his case. He also ordered in a letter that his creations be given to the Brick family. And he also said about 2 thousand rubles in his desk to pay the tax, the rest he ordered to get from Giza.

This letter allows us to conclude that Mayakovsky was a responsible person. It would seem that he is passing away, after death it doesn’t matter, but he was worried about his family.

This message caused a lot of controversy. Why did he mention there in the same row with close people, thus setting up married woman? But there was an explanation for this: the poet wanted to secure her financially, and everyone knew about their connection.

Another interesting fact. He writes, Lilya Brik, love me. But everyone knows that there has been no love for a long time, and in general, she never loved the poet. Yet he leaves his legacy in her hands, because she, like no one else, understood his work, was very insightful and had great connections.

The poet wanted his creations to survive and live. That's why he entrusted them to the Bricks. And there is a phrase that confirms this, they say, let's forget all the strife and resentment, and love me after I leave.

The letter also contained a quatrain, the first lines of which, logically, should be addressed to Lilya Brik. He wrote that the event had exhausted itself, the love boat was broken into everyday life. I decided to leave, so there is no room for mutual insults and reproaches. But we are still not talking about her. Lilya lived in excellent conditions, rowing everything for herself. And in difficult moments the poet's life, when he needed support, left him. The Brik family went to London to live with Lilia's mother.

When the fatal shot rang out, Lily and her family were not around. But they managed to arrive on April 16 in time for the funeral. After which Lilya burned all the letters that he kept. She destroyed a great treasure, evidence of the poet’s life, pages of his biography.

She also confiscated the diary, published some fragments, and then completely banned it, just like her diaries.

If "love boat" does not refer to the spouse, then what did the poet mean? Maybe this is connected with the main version of suicide? After all, so many troubles befell him overnight, maybe he just couldn’t stand it, which led to nervous breakdown and such an outcome.

Could failures bring the great poet to his death? Most likely not, throughout his life he was attacked, and most severely. And not only from literary critics, but also from friends. And the authorities did not like his poetic thinking and style. He learned to fight back in arguments and knew how to defend himself. In his farewell letter he still addresses Ermilov, thereby expressing a desire to continue discursive strife. Therefore, failures could not lead to such a critical state. Moreover, new works were written.

Perhaps we are talking about unhappy love. There was a third woman in his life whose marriage the poet did not want to believe. Fate separated them. She went to France and stayed there. The situation in the country did not allow a return. She relied on the almighty Mayakovsky, but he himself could not bring the lady of his heart to the most modest penates, especially when such changes were taking place in the country: prices rose, Stalin canceled the NEP, the shelves in the stores were empty, and she got used to a different life, yes and what will he do in the USSR?

Mayakovsky was afraid of a stray bullet and being left alone. Nora lived for her theater, Lilya didn’t like it at all, and, alas, it didn’t work out with Tatyana. love boat crashed into everyday life...

On April 14, early in the morning, I sent a telegram to Tatyana Yakovleva in France, saying that today the poet Vladimir Mayakovsky shot himself in Moscow.

Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. Last letter to sons

Julius and Ethel Rosenberg (USA) were accused of passing information about the atomic bomb to the Soviet Union. On April 5, 1951, they were sentenced to death, and on June 19, they were executed in the electric chair. On the day of their execution, they wrote this letter to their two sons.

Our dear ones, our most precious children, just this morning it seemed to us that we could meet again. But now this is not feasible. And I really want you to know everything that I learned. Unfortunately, I can only write a few simple words, everything else should be taught to you by your life, just as mine taught me. At first, of course, you will grieve for us, but you will not be alone. This is what comforts us, and what should ultimately help you. One day you will realize that life is worth living. Know that even now, when our lives are slowly moving towards the end, our convictions are stronger than our executioners! Your life should teach you that good cannot flourish in the heart of evil, that freedom and all those things that make life truly worthwhile and true must sometimes come at a very high price. Know that we calmly accept the fact that civilization has not yet reached the point where life will not have to be sacrificed for the sake of life, and that we are comforted by the firm confidence that others will continue our work. We would like to enjoy life with you. Your father, who remains next to me in these last hours, sends you, our dear boys, all his heart and his love. Always remember that we were innocent and could not compromise our conscience. We hold you close and kiss you with all our might. With love, Mom and Dad, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg

Melissa Nathan. Last letter to family

Melissa Nathan was a popular English writer. In 2001, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. In April 2006, shortly after her son's third birthday, she died at the age of 37. Her last novel, The Learning Curve, was published after her death, in August 2006. Knowing that she would never see it published, Melissa used the book's opening pages to say goodbye to her family.

I found myself in the unusual situation of knowing that this book would most likely be published after my death. So forgive me for the rather strange introduction. Firstly, I want to thank my wonderful parents. You have given me a life full of love, support and friendship. I was lucky enough to look both of you in the eyes as equals and at the same time look up to you. Please don't ever think that my life was hard. I've had a great 37 years and I'm grateful to you both for what you've given me. I am happy and at peace with myself. My dear Andrew. I respect you as much as I love you, and that means a lot. If anyone can handle my departure, it's you. After all, you've lived with me for almost 12 years, and it's not that easy. I'm so glad I met you. You were my safe haven, my gentle giant, my best friend, my everything. I wish you a happy life full of love and joy. And you, my beautiful Sammy. I would like to get to know you better, my love, but this will not happen. And yet, despite the fact that you are only three years old, you have already left an imprint on my heart that will remain with me wherever I go. Motherhood has added value to my life. You gave this to me. What can a mother wish for her son? I wish you happiness. You have a wonderful father and a family that adores you. Go into the world knowing that you were my everything and that you won't have to deal with an annoying mom trying to kiss you when you turn 15. I will be in heaven kissing you from afar.

Captain Kuno. Last letter to children

Captain Kuno was a Japanese pilot and kamikaze volunteer who died in May 1945. Before his last flight, he wrote a letter to his children: his son (5 years old) and daughter (2 years old).

Dear Masanori and Kyoko, even though you cannot see me, I will always look at you. Listen to your mother and don't upset her. When you grow up, choose your own path and become good Japanese. Don't be jealous that other children have fathers, because I will become a spirit and watch over you both. Study well and help your mother. I can't help you, so be each other best friends. I was an energetic person, I flew a big bomber and killed all the enemies. Please become better than me, this will avenge my death.

Wild Bill Hickok. Last letter to my wife

James Butler Hickok, known as Wild Bill, was a famous marksman and scout in the Old West. On August 2, 1876, he was playing poker. A former buffalo hunter named Jack McCall entered the saloon. He shouted “Get it!” and shot Bill point blank. Shortly before this, Bill had a bad feeling and wrote a short Farewell letter to his wife.

Dear Agnes, if it happens that we do not meet again, then with my last shot I will tenderly pronounce the name of my wife - Agnes - and, wishing well even to my enemies, I will dive and try to reach the other shore.

Jacob Vowell. Last letter to family

On May 19, 1902, an explosion occurred in a Tennessee coal mine, killing 216 miners. Some of them survived the explosion and waited for help behind the rubble for some time. Jacob ended up in the mine with his 14-year-old son Elbert. Gasping for breath, he wrote a letter to his wife Ellen and his family.

Ellen, dear, we say goodbye to you. Elbert says the Lord will save him. Take care of our children. We are all praying for air to come out, but we are getting worse. Horace, Elbert says you can wear his shoes and clothes. I'm putting Paul Harmon's watch in the hands of Andy Wood. Ellen, I want you to live well and go to heaven. Little Elbert said he trusted the Lord. It's getting harder to breathe. Dear Ellen, I have left you poor, but I hope the Lord will help you raise my little children. Elbert said that he will meet you all in heaven, that all the children will meet us there. Please take care of them. Oh how I wish I could be with you. Goodbye everything, goodbye. Bury me and Elbert in the same grave as little Eddie. Goodbye Ellen, goodbye Lilly, goodbye Jimmy, goodbye Minnie, goodbye Horace. Oh god, another breath of air. Ellen, remember me while you live. Goodbye, darling. It's 25 minutes after two. Few of us survived. Jake and Elbert.

Ziyad Jarrah. Last letter to the bride

Ziad Jarrah is a terrorist and one of the masterminds of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack. He was 26 years old when he hijacked United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed into a field in Pennsylvania. On September 10, he wrote a long letter to his fiancée Aysel, who lived in Germany. She never received the letter because she moved. The post office returned it to the United States, where it fell into the hands of the FBI. On the first page of the letter:

I don't want you to be sad. I still live somewhere, although you cannot see or hear me, but I will see you and know what is wrong with you. And I will wait until you come to me. Everyone has their own time and everyone will leave one day. It is my fault that I made you hope for marriage, marriage, children and family... You should be proud of me, because this is a matter of honor, and you will see that everyone will be happy as a result... I did what I had to do.

Remember who you are and what is worthy of you. I hug you and kiss your hands and head. I thank you and apologize for the wonderful and difficult 5 years that you spent with me. Your patience... Allah... I am your prince and I will take you away. Goodbye! Yours forever.

Captain Robert Scott. Last letter to my wife

Captain of the British Royal Navy, Antarctic explorer Robert Falcon Scott was returning from the South Pole in March 1922. Buran locked the expedition members in a tent; they suffered from hunger and cold. Scott was the last to die, having written a letter to his wife Caitlin.

To my widow Dear, beloved. It’s not easy for me to write because of the cold - 70 degrees below zero and only a tent for protection... We are at a dead end, and I’m not sure that we can cope. During a short breakfast, I take advantage of the small amount of warmth to write letters in preparation for my eventual demise. If anything were to happen to me, I would want you to know how much you meant to me. I have to write a letter to the boy, I hope when he grows up he will have time to read it. Honey, you know I don't like sentimental nonsense about remarriage. When a worthy man appears in your life, you should become happy again. Get your son interested in science if you can. It's better than games. Try to teach him faith in God, it consoles him. Oh my darling, my darling, how I dreamed of his future. And yet, my girl, I know that you can handle it. Your portraits will be found on my chest. I could tell you a lot about this journey. What stories could you tell our boy, but, oh, at what cost. Losing the chance to see your sweet, sweet face. I think there is no chance. We decided not to kill ourselves and fight to the end to get to the camp. Death in wrestling is painless, so don't worry about me.

Milada Gorakova. Last letter to family

Milada Horáková was a Czech politician and member of parliament. After the communists came to power, on September 27, 1949, Milada was accused of “preparing a sabotage plot.” She did not admit her guilt, was sentenced to death and hanged. Before her execution, she was allowed to write three letters: to her husband, 6-year-old daughter and mother-in-law. This is what she wrote to her child:

It's not that I love you too little, I love you as purely and passionately as other mothers love their children. But I understand that my task in this world was to... ensure that life was better and that all children could live better... Don't be afraid or sad because I won't come back. My child, learn to look at life seriously as early as possible. Life is hard, it doesn’t caress anyone, but don’t let it defeat you. Choose to fight.

Sullivan Ballou. Last letter to my wife

This letter was written in 1861, a week before Major Sullivan Ballou of the 2nd Rhode Island Volunteers was killed at the Battle of Bull Run, the first major land battle of the American Civil War.

Dear Sarah! Everything suggests that we will hit the road soon, perhaps tomorrow. And since I will not be able to write to you, I feel that I must leave a few lines that may catch your eye while I am away. I have no doubts or distrust of the purpose for which we are fighting, and my courage has not dried up or diminished. I know that American civilization rests on the success of our government, and I know that we are indebted to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I wish, I sincerely wish, to leave the joys of life in order to support this government and pay off this debt. Sarah, my love for you is undying. It is as if she binds me with chains that only providence can break. But still, my love for the Motherland is higher than me, it is like a strong wind that carries me with all these shackles to the battlefield. The memories of all the amazing moments I experienced with you overwhelm me and I am deeply grateful to God and you for enjoying them for so long. How hard it is for me now to leave them and burn to the ground hopes and future years, when, by the will of God, we could live and love further and see how our boys grow up worthy men Next to us. If I do not return, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I loved you, and that when my last breath escaped, your name sounded in it... Forgive me for my sins and the pain that I caused you. How thoughtless and stupid I was sometimes!.. But, Sarah, if the dead can return to this earth and hover invisible next to those they love, I will always be with you. And the brightest day, and the darkest night... always, always. And when the light wind touches your cheeks, it will be my breath, and when the cool air refreshes your forehead, know that it is my spirit that has flown by. Sarah, don't mourn for me - believe that I just left and wait for me, because we will meet again.

Mary, Queen of Scots. Last letter to Henry III, King of France

Mary Stuart, arrested on Elizabeth's orders, was sentenced to death for her participation in a conspiracy against the queen. On the morning of February 8, 1587, 6 hours before her execution, Mary wrote her last letter to her late husband's brother, King Henry III. In the message, she claimed that she was being punished only for her faith and for her right to the English throne, and also asked Henry to take care of her servants - when she was executed, they would be left without a livelihood. Her last letter ended like this:

I took the liberty of sending you two precious stones, a talisman against illness, hoping that you will live in good health for a long time and happy life. Accept them from your loving sister-in-law, who, as death approaches, testifies to her warm feelings to you. If it pleases you, give orders that for the sake of the salvation of my soul, everything that I bequeathed should be paid, and that, in the name of Jesus Christ, to whom I pray for you before I die, there will be enough left for a memorial service to be held for me and They gave, as is customary, alms to the poor. On Tuesday at two o'clock in the morning. Your most sensitive and devoted sister.

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The samizdat “My friend, you are a transformer” continues to explore the place of suicide in the modern world. It is known that suicide has been with a person from the moment he was born, and every year more than 800 thousand people successfully commit suicide; in some cultures (for example, Japan) suicide is closely intertwined with history.

Today, a special correspondent for the Secret of the Firm publication, Yulia Dudkina, presents monologues of six Russians who tried to commit suicide, but they didn’t succeed, and instead they realized why they needed to live.

STORY #1

“YOU WILL BE NEITHER RICH NOR BEAUTIFUL”

The first time I tried to commit suicide was when I was twelve years old. I have always been an excellent student, I never had grades lower than four. And even fours were very rare, and I was terribly worried about them. My parents both graduated from school with gold medals, and I knew that they also expected diligence and academic success from me. Every time I got something lower than an A, they got upset and scolded me. At the same time, they did not understand that I also cared about my grades: we have different temperaments, and I, although deeply worried about something, never showed it, so they thought that I didn’t care about how I I'm studying.

The second time happened when I was fourteen or fifteen. I didn’t think I was very beautiful, especially compared to my classmates. We had an elite school where chauffeurs brought children in expensive cars, everyone had beautiful fashionable clothes. I felt like an ugly duckling. My parents tried to help me as best they could, and one day, for a school disco, they bought me fashionable colored jeans and high-heeled shoes with almost their last money. But everything only got worse: I didn’t know how to walk in heels, but I immediately put on these shoes and soon noticed that my classmates were laughing and parodying my gait. At the disco I was the only one who was never invited to slow dance. After that evening I became the target of bullying. The girl who most loved to mock “losers” and “nerds” pretended that she wanted to make friends with me, but in the end she found out which of the boys I liked, told the whole class about it and began writing notes to him on my behalf. Very soon the whole school thought I was crazy and chasing this guy. In just a few weeks, I became an outcast: the same girl quarreled with my only friend, and then even persuaded the whole class to boycott me. I tried to seek support from my parents. I didn't feel comfortable talking to them directly, so I wrote down all my emotions in a journal and left it in a visible place for them to read. But mom and dad then had problems at work, they were in a bad mood and took my gesture incorrectly. It seemed to them that I was blaming them for not doing enough for me and that I wanted money. We ended up having a huge fight. Mom said a phrase that I still remember: “You will never be rich or beautiful.” True, she later claimed that she had never said anything like that, but it stuck in my memory. I decided that I didn’t need such a life (in which I would never be rich and beautiful) and, left at home alone, I drank the entire contents of the family medicine cabinet. I remember how I opened one pack of medicine after another, and I wasn’t even scared: everything happened in a fog, I didn’t cry. Fortunately, I had a strong body: I ​​was very poisoned and lay at home for several days, but there were no irreversible consequences. At least for the body.

My parents tried to do something: they asked an adult family friend to talk to me, he discussed my future with me, suggested that I try myself in a creative profession. But from that moment I was angry with everyone, including my parents. In just a matter of weeks I turned into a typical difficult teenager: I lit a cigarette and began to communicate with high school metalheads who were famous throughout the school for their disgusting behavior. They protected me from the attacks of my classmates, and we skipped school together. Now, when someone bullied me, I got into a fight, and the girl who organized the boycott simply broke her nose. Gradually, I myself began to take part in the bullying: when the class realized that I could now fight back, everyone switched to a new victim, and here I was already among the main attackers. We bullied that boy terribly right up to graduation, and it was much more cruel than when they bullied me.

My relationship with my parents has not improved for a long time since then. I constantly wanted to prove to them that I could become both rich and beautiful. At the age of fourteen she went to work, and after school she entered the evening department in order to build a career at the same time. They hoped that I would study as a full-time student, and they were upset. Only later, when I had been living separately for a long time and had proven everything I wanted, my mother and I calmly talked about all this. She admitted that she underestimated my worries and did not understand how much problems in the classroom traumatized me. Only now she sees that this influenced the rest of my life. If she had taken it more seriously then, she would have taken me out of that school.

We also began to communicate normally with our classmates when we grew up. One day, the boy we all bullied came to a high school reunion, and we all asked him for forgiveness. We talked a lot about what happened to us as teenagers, and it turned out that we all had our own problems, which is why we behaved so vilely. “Cool” children from rich families were worried that their parents were paying them off and not paying attention, “average” girls felt like gray mice, and so on. The queen of the class also had some kind of complex, and we all had no good class teacher, which would resolve the situation.

It’s surprising that today teenage suicides are blamed on some “blue whale” and they try to impose some kind of Orthodox values ​​and morality on children. No blue whale can be more traumatic than school bullying and parental misunderstanding. And if someone at that time had also tried to impose Orthodox values ​​on me and restrict me on the Internet, I would definitely have ended up doing something terrible. But instead, in my childhood there were youth magazines that published letters from teenage readers who were also suffering from depression and contemplating suicide. It was really cool. And once, as a teenager, I found a site on the Internet that talked in detail about methods of suicide and the consequences - that if you jump from the sixteenth floor, your brain will live for a few more minutes and you will feel wild pain and how you are scraped off. asphalt. All the information on the Internet was open, and this helped me understand that there is no beautiful way to commit suicide. That we must look for a way to survive, not die.

STORY #2

“IN THAT MOMENT SOMETHING ENDED”

I was twenty-eight years old, and I had a responsible job, for which I was not ready at that time: I worked in the administration of a small provincial town, I had several employees subordinate to me, and I supervised the activities of several municipal institutions. It was the 2000s, then many were fired due to participation in corruption schemes, and those who were not involved in anything reprehensible were appointed in their place. So I ended up in a position for which I had not yet matured. It was a lot of stress, constant prosecutorial checks, and I also studied by correspondence in another city, so I was constantly in nervous tension. Once, when I came to a session, I met one person and fell in love with him. He was noticeably older and, as I later realized, was not particularly interested in me. And yet I received some advances from him, and this fueled my feelings. At the same time, I had to take a bunch of tests, and from the city where I worked, I was constantly pulled on official business. Once, during a city holiday, I saw a man with whom I was in love on the main street - he was talking to someone and simply walked by, although I was standing very close, and it was difficult not to notice me. I returned home and started calling him on his mobile, but I couldn’t get through. Work, study, unhappy love - everything stuck together into a single lump, and I began to get hysterical. I lived with two friends, they were at home and tried to calm me down, they said that everything would work out, but it seemed to me that no one understood me and life was hopeless. I went into the next room, opened the window and was about to go out. It was the fourth floor, most likely I would have been injured, but not died, but I didn’t think about it then, I just wanted to stop everything. At this time, one of my friends passed by and looked in on me. She pulled me out of the window, and they made me drink some sedative, so I fell asleep. In the morning I was taken to a psychiatric hospital, where I was diagnosed with a nervous breakdown. I came across very good doctors: they did not record a suicide attempt in the medical record, they wrote me out sick leave so that I took sick leave and academic leave, and I stayed in the hospital for a month. I vaguely remember what happened then: I was not given intoxicating pills, it’s just that these memories seemed to be carefully erased from my memory. Only one moment remains vivid: they give me a blank sheet of paper and ask me to write how I see myself in three years. I described where I wanted to live, how I wanted to look and what I wanted to do. Surprisingly, now everything is exactly as I wrote on that sheet. I moved to Moscow, I have a job, I’m learning languages, I fully support myself. Everything seems to be fine with me. But sometimes it seems to me that when I tried to jump out of the window, something ended in my life. Everything that has happened since then is somehow not very real, insignificant. I try not to take on jobs that are stressful and have too much workload. I don’t start a serious relationship and don’t fall in love, as if I’m afraid to drive myself into such a situation again.

STORY #3

“I PROMISED MYSELF TO LIVE UNTIL AUTUMN”

Even in early childhood, I constantly thought about strange things: I tried to understand why I was born in the first place, what was the meaning of everything that was happening. I didn’t care about the future, I was constantly tormented and wanted to be invisible. I’m not sure that it was just depression - they say such disorders occur during birth trauma, but I had it. At the age of twelve I learned what suicide was, and I was very interested in this phenomenon. I constantly talked about suicide and listened to songs on this topic. I had no friends, and there was no one to really talk to. I used a blade to cut out phrases on my hands about how I wanted to die and that I was dead, and covered school notebooks with similar statements. My grandmother was seriously ill at the time, and I told myself that I would not die before her. When she really died, my self-loathing reached its peak, I went into all serious ways. I came to the “suicide bridge” in our city several times, but still I was scared, and I always came back. I felt unbearably sick of life, and sometimes I was simply overcome with indifference: nothing could interest me enough to awaken the will to live. In 2015, I went to see a psychotherapist for the first time. I was prescribed antidepressants and referred to a psychologist. Several times my dosage of pills was increased and I was prescribed sleeping pills due to insomnia. Once, during a session with a psychologist, we discussed a topic that really interested me. It hit me very hard, I felt like an insignificance, and everything began to seem completely hopeless. Then I drank the entire plate of my pills - it was both scary and somehow curious and exciting.

I woke up in the hospital: they took everything from me except my panties and socks, and gave me an incomprehensible robe and slippers. They even took away my glasses, although I see very poorly, I can distinguish objects no further than at a distance arm's length. I have only very vague memories of that time. They gave me some paper and told me that I would be stuck in the hospital for three months if I didn’t sign. It seems that this was consent to hospitalization. Because I signed it then, I could no longer voluntarily leave this place, and my parents could not pick me up, although they tried. I remember how they took me to the bed, and one of the patients made my bed. I spent two weeks in a state of delirium, because of the medications I was unable to think clearly and was constantly sleeping, and I could only distinguish the people around me by the color of their clothes. It was a primary care ward, you could only go out to the toilet and eat. It was impossible to just walk - the nurse immediately blocked the door. It was constantly cold and dark. My parents brought me a change of clothes - a sweatshirt and shorts. In shorts it was clear that my legs were cut up: the head doctor and the rest of the staff were sarcastic about this and tried to make me feel guilty for what I had done. I was very lonely, and I dreamed that they would stop bullying me. There were no stalls in the toilets - only three toilets. There was always someone there, and that was also depressing. The washrooms were opened only in the morning and in the evening; a line immediately formed there, everyone washed themselves and washed their clothes at the same time. I often skipped these events because I didn’t want to fuss around in the crowd and wash in front of everyone. Bath days were real torture for me - I had to walk naked in front of strangers. There were two bathrooms, and a patient stood next to each and held a shower. There was a nurse who controlled the process and forcibly cut our nails. While two patients washed themselves, the other two stood naked and waited. Two weeks later I was transferred to another ward - it was no longer guarded, but it was still forbidden to walk along the corridor. But there were bedside tables - one for two. During a quiet hour, I heard strange sounds, turned around and saw that my neighbor had taken my toilet paper from the bedside table, started tearing it and throwing it. In general, she really scared me, but I couldn’t get away from her. Fortunately, I managed to convince the doctor to transfer me from her to another ward. Because of the medications, I couldn’t really read: the letters were blurry. Sometimes the department opened a creativity room where you could draw. I draw well, but I couldn’t do anything there - my hands didn’t obey me. It was difficult to move, and to think too. I could lie for days on end with with open eyes. Approaching New Year, and my parents asked the head doctor to let me go home for one night, but they were refused. This was the worst New Year of my life. I had three roommates, and all of them were sent to the hospital instead of jail time. One of them attacked a man with a knife, which was a little annoying.

The pills made me drool constantly. I wasn't the only one who had this problem: one girl complained about it during rounds and the nurse made fun of her, so I decided not to tell the staff about any side effects. In addition, I knew that if my medications were changed, I would be even longer in the hospital - those are the rules.

When I was finally discharged, I didn't feel any better at all. I only knew that I never wanted to go through this again and that if one day I decided to commit suicide again, I had to act for sure, without a chance of survival.

When I was finally discharged, I saw a psychiatrist, but to no avail. The pills didn’t help, I cut myself, and the medications made me gain weight. Once I was prescribed haloperidol injections, but by that time I already knew for sure that I was being treated for the wrong thing or for the wrong thing, so I simply crumpled up and threw away the prescription. It was spring, and I promised myself to live at least until autumn, after all, summer is a rather pleasant time of year. I gave up all the pills, and for some time I was even overcome by euphoria, I began to have strong emotional swings. If earlier there was no strength and inspiration at all, now they began to come at least in tides. The drowsiness has disappeared. Now I think that the pills somehow had an effect, I just didn’t notice it until I got off them. I never found out my diagnosis. People kept asking me if I could hear voices, so maybe I was diagnosed with something like schizophrenia. Now I’ve been unemployed for a year and a half - I’m afraid of people. All my talents are related to creativity, but to make money from it, you need to be able to negotiate and sell. I have a boyfriend - he is wonderful. We found mutual language, because he also has disorders, and he was in the same hospital (there is only one in the whole city). But love does not save you from mental disorders. Today it is common to devalue depression and other mental disorders, to believe that love, sports and work can cure everything. Many who once simply became depressed love to tell how rest or love cured them. Those who truly suffer from mental disorders are very depressed by such stories. I’ve heard a hundred times that my problems are nonsense, I just need to “pull myself together and stop whining.” And this fueled self-hatred and contempt, pushing me to irreparable actions. People need to be told about mental disorders, that it is serious, that they are not alone in living with it. The sooner a person understands that it is not his fault, that he did not invent the disease, the greater his chances of survival.

STORY #4

"I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE"

I was fifteen years old, and my girlfriend left me on December 31st. I then thought that she was the love of my life, I suffered and toiled for three hours, and then I drank for courage and late at night I threw myself from the eighth floor. By the way, she lived on the first floor in the same house, so I fell almost under her windows. When I woke up in intensive care, my first thought was: “What an asshole I am.” Now I remember it as a teenage stupidity that led to very bad consequences. It was not a serious problem, prolonged depression was just a spontaneous act. Then I underwent six surgeries, two of them on the spine. I bounced around hospitals for nine months and was left lame for the rest of my life. Before that, I played football, I liked it, but now I had to learn to walk again, and I understood that now I would also have to learn to live in a new way. When I was discharged, I wanted to close myself within four walls and never go outside again. But I still had fortitude, and one day I thought: “Why am I worse than everyone else? Yes, I’m lame now, but life is not over.” I made an effort on myself and began to communicate with old friends. Some people laughed at my crooked gait: some behind my back, and some openly. But I decided not to pay attention. I became interested in rock music, went to concerts in different cities, and talked on forums. Gradually new friends appeared - they didn’t care what I looked like. There were no problems with the girls either. One day, in a chat on the Pilot group website, I met a girl I liked. We met in person on the thirty-first of December - on New Year's Day, exactly five years after I jumped out of the window. On the same day I asked her to meet, and then she became my wife: we have been inseparable for twelve years.

STORY No. 5

“I PLANNED EVERYTHING”

I tried to commit suicide twice - as it seemed to me then, because of unhappy love. In fact, I think the problem was more my lack of self-confidence, which was superimposed on unfortunate circumstances. The first attempt was very thoughtless and impulsive. I had a guy - my first love - with whom, as it seemed to me, everything was going very well. And then I saw him kissing my friend. It seemed to me that my mediocrity and uninteresting appearance were to blame for everything. I felt like a worthless and ugly person with no future, especially since at that time I was having trouble studying. I went to the nearest store, bought blades and cut my veins right on the street. The skin split open, blood was gushing from my arm, I could see my muscles and tendons. This immediately sobered me up: she ran out onto the road, stopped the first car and asked to take me to the hospital, where I got stitches. My parents didn’t even notice anything then - they were getting divorced, and they had nothing to do with it.

When I realized what I had done, I wasn’t even particularly scared. What worried me most was that my arm might be injured: I dreamed of becoming a surgeon, and if I were injured, it would ruin my career. I thought less about the fact that I could die that day. I spent several months in apathy and often skipped school. It seemed to me that those around me knew everything and were judging me. It's good that I had close friend, who supported me. And not with pity and lamentations - he tried quite harshly to set my mind straight and explain that I acted irresponsibly. It had an effect on me. The hand healed and everything returned to normal.

A few years later I started dating a very good, decent man, he truly loved me. But he was almost indifferent to me. Our relationship lasted six years. I often tried to leave him, but, again, my complexes got in the way: it seemed to me that no one needed me anymore and that if I left, I would always be alone. But then, in 2012, when I was already studying at the institute, I fell very much in love with my classmate, and still left my boyfriend for him. For a classmate, our relationship turned out to be just an affair, something frivolous. And then I fell into deep depression, I was finally convinced that no one would ever need me. My ex-boyfriend- the one I left forgave me, and we started dating again. But he only irritated me; I still loved that classmate of mine. I felt guilty all the time, and my boyfriend treated me so kindly that it only got worse. Meanwhile, a classmate began a long and serious relationship with another girl, I watched them and suffered. This went on for a year. I fell into manic self-improvement, tormented myself with diets, went to the gym every day and ran twenty kilometers, lost weight to forty-seven kilograms. Gradually all this became completely unbearable. I could no longer pretend to be a happy lover and deceive my boyfriend, I couldn’t look at how happy my classmate was with new girl. I studied at a medical school and knew what happens with overdoses of various medications. I planned everything, waited for my neighbor to leave the house, and took a fatal dose of pills. I was lucky: my neighbor came back for something and called an ambulance. When I came to my senses, the doctors said that if my friend had not come on time, I most likely would not have had a chance to survive. And that's when I became truly scared. I was forcibly referred to a psychiatrist, I started taking antidepressants, and gradually the fixation on my problems began to go away. It became noticeably easier. I was told that I have endogenous depression - that is, one that is due to biological reasons, and not external factors. With endogenous depression, a person is prone to suicidal thoughts throughout life. But in the end, pills and sessions with specialists helped me: I learned to accept and love myself, confidence appeared, I learned to look for the root of problems in myself, and not in the outside world, and now everything is fine. But I find it funny when people around me say that depression is the result of idleness. I, as I wanted, became a surgeon, I have a diploma from a medical university. How can there be idleness here?

STORY No. 6

“I WAS A LITTLE MIND”

SUICIDE NOTES: THE LAST WORDS OF A SUICIDE

A suicide note is an important attribute of voluntary death for a suicide and a way for scientists to penetrate into the last thoughts of a person who voluntarily died. We study what and why people write before they die for centuries.

“Volodka! I am sending you a receipt from the loan office - buy, brother, my velvet jacket and wear it for your health. I'm going on a journey from which no one has ever returned. Farewell, my friend, yours to the grave, which I will soon need"

(student to friend,

What changes occur in the minds of people who decide to commit suicide? Suicidological studies show that there are quite typical cognitive processes characteristic of potential and actual suicides. For example, consciousness narrows, that is, a person’s thinking becomes fixated on the “all or nothing” principle, when all things are divided into black and white, and a difficult situation is elevated to the rank of completely hopeless. Mental filtering occurs: the individual often fixates on one unpleasant or terrible memory, a moment that constantly pops up in consciousness as proof of the insignificance of his existence. This is complemented by discrediting the positive, when a person denies the significance or the very existence of pleasant and joyful experiences and events, which begin to be perceived painfully, as some kind of atavisms in his depressive picture of the world. The consciousness of a person in such a state is filled with unbearable mental pain, which becomes increasingly difficult to fight.

“Dear aunt! I'm in the forest now. I'm having fun, picking flowers and looking forward to the train. It would be crazy to ask God for help in what I have in mind, but I still hope to make my wish come true.”

(cool lady (teacher at a girls’ gymnasium),

end of the 19th – beginning of the 20th century)

Suicidologists have to work hard to find data that would broadly and qualitatively cover the mental state of a suicide. First of all, stories and written notes from surviving suicides are used for this, where they describe in detail how their consciousness changed, sometimes over the course of several months, before they decided to take the final step. Another valuable material- these are suicide notes, the last words of a person who crossed the line. However, usually only 15-40% of suicides leave suicide letters, which limits the possibility of using this source as the most reliable for interpreting the motives of suicides. But in criminology, for qualifying a death as suicide, a suicide note is one of the strongest arguments (along with the characteristic manner of death, place and family circumstances). Of course, there is always the possibility of a forged note with the aim of presenting a murder as a suicide, but at the moment there is a whole well-developed technique that aims to distinguish false suicide notes from real ones.

“I was very tired of this whirlwind of emotions, so I decided to put an end to it by leaving this life.”

(woman sixty years old,

end of 20th century)

A suicide note tells a lot: what a person felt, what he was thinking about, who he would like to see at the last moment, what he advises those loved ones whom he is leaving, and most importantly, what is the motive for his reluctance to continue life on any terms. “Suicide note” is the most accurate expression. This is a really short message that most often fits on a notebook or printed sheet. But there are also real suicide letters - long treatises touching on a variety of topics - from unrequited love to the current political and economic situation. It is characteristic that the functionality of paper is in this case limited - only a few close people, a few police officers and investigators will read the farewell words of a suicide (except in cases where suicide notes are published in the media). The Internet, in particular, can be considered as a new public space for writing suicide letters. social media. Here thousands of people will be able to see and read the dying message, which, however, sometimes takes on a demonstrative blackmail character.

“We will leave beautifully”

(Denis Muravyov, Katerina Vlasova,

2016)

Perhaps the first suicide note was written on papyrus.

“...Who am I talking to now?

The brothers are angry

And a righteous person is considered an enemy.

Who am I talking to now?

There are no righteous left

The land was given to the creators of lawlessness...

Death is before me now

Like the smell of myrrh,

Like sailing in the wind.

Death is before me now

Like the smell of lotus flowers,

Like sweet drunken madness.

Death is before me now

How longing to return to my home

After many years in captivity"

These poetic lines, a spiritual cry from almost four thousand years ago, are now in the Berlin Museum. They were written by an unknown Egyptian on papyrus, presumably during the Middle Kingdom (2040–1783 BC) in Ancient Egypt. Most of the papyrus was lost, but four poems survived, each of which began with its own anaphora and represented a conversation between a person and his soul. The text contains many religious and philosophical references that reflect the worldview of the Egyptians of that time, but what is interesting is that the state of depressive reflection in which the author is immersed exactly corresponds to the modern description of the state of mind of patients suffering from severe depression. This is the same conflict with conscience due to the desire to commit suicide, depression, uncertainty about the future, a gloomy picture of the world, paranoia. And even this detail: the Egyptian believes that others treat him like a bad smell or an unfaithful wife - just as modern patients with severe depressive disorders tend to believe that they exude bad odors. It is difficult to say for sure whether this unfortunate man killed himself in the end, but it seems that the symptoms of depression mental state have not changed for thousands of years.

“I’m tired of living and I’m no good”

(teacher,

end of the 19th – beginning of the 20th century)

Suicide notes have a significant meaning social function: firstly, they identify “motivational templates” or explanatory schemes existing in society that justify the act of suicide, secondly, they directly form a person’s idea of ​​standard situations when suicide is recognized as possible way out from the situation (even with collective condemnation of such an exit). There are many examples in history: in European noble society of the 19th century, suicide could be considered an acceptable alternative to loss of honor. It is precisely this motive that can be identified from this suicide note of an insulted German accused of official embezzlement (late 19th – early 20th century):

“The sun rises for the last time for me; it is impossible to live when honor has been suspected, the poor heart will stop suffering when it stops beating, but it’s a pity that not from a French bullet.”

And after the publication of Goethe’s novel “The Sorrows of Young Werther,” a wave of imitative suicides of young people swept across Europe, who considered suicide from unrequited love beautiful romantic act. And subsequently such a death became established as a literary cliche.

“I begged her on my knees to come back, but she didn’t understand. Goodbye everyone!

(Vitaly Zheleznov,

year 2014)

Is suicide considered justifiable if it was caused by the departure of a spouse? IN modern society such a reason most likely does not seem weighty enough. But the cultural taboo on suicide and public rejection of this phenomenon only works within certain limits. While the case is abstract, people tend to condemn suicide. However, with the advent of a real incident, the attitude towards this changes:

“Dear Mary, I am writing these lines to you because they are the very last. I actually thought you and little Joe would come back into my life, but you never did. I know that you found another person, obviously better than me. I hope this son of a bitch dies. I love you very much and so does Joe. It’s very painful to think that nothing worked out for you and me. I dreamed a lot about our life together, but it turned out to be just dreams. I always hoped that they would come true, but now I am absolutely sure that this will never happen. I hope to end up in heaven, although in my case I will probably end up in hell..."

The suicide note, as it were, animates the specific case of one unfortunate person, it reveals his motives, his experiences, which can be understood; empathy is activated. The social idea “suicide is bad” fades into the background, and instead it is replaced by compassion and human understanding.

“...Please take care of little Joe, because I love him with all my heart. Don't tell him what happened. Say that I have gone far, far away and perhaps someday I will return. Add that you don't know exactly when. Well, it seems that's all. Take care of yourself. P.S. I know that we had chances to make peace, but you didn’t want it, you wanted to fuck someone else, well, now you’ve achieved it. I can't really tell if I hate you or love you. You'll never know. Sincerely, your husband George"

(male twenty-four years old,

end of 20th century)

A suicide note is the last communicative act of a person who has decided to take his own life. Suicidologists identify certain parameters for the analysis of suicide notes, which make it possible to understand the experiences and emotional states suicides, as well as characteristic, recurring motifs; Ultimately, this helps suicide prevention service experts act more effectively.

Suicide letters in most cases have addressees. Often this is a spouse, children, mother, or other loved ones. These are letters about an apology, a wish to continue living happily, about love, and occasionally it can be a cynical message:

“My dear parents, I inform you that I have retired from this world, and you be healthy.”

(a young man from a merchant family,

end of the 19th – beginning of the 20th century)

In some cases, when an act of suicide plays the role of a protest against the structure of society, the addressee becomes a mass audience. For example, this is a note from entrepreneur Ivan Ankushev, who, before committing suicide, committed several murders of the city ruling elite of Kirovsk (2009):

“Letter about confrontation. I, entrepreneur Ivan Ankushev, do business and own four stores. I am not given the opportunity to do what I think is necessary. There is no hope for the integrity of the arbitration court. You destroyed me. I won't live to see the mushrooms. This is my favorite activity."

Most of the notes touch on certain topics: the most common is an apology for one’s actions or for one’s entire life, the second most mentioned is the inability to bear suffering or pain, then love, practical instructions or advice, and, of course, accusations. Often these topics are combined:

“Forgive me, because today I will die. I just can't live without you. Which means you can die. Maybe there will be peace there. I have such a terrible feeling of emptiness inside that it just kills me. I can't stand it anymore. When you left me I died inside. I must say that I have nothing left but a broken heart, and that is what pushes me to do this. I cry out to God to help me, but He doesn't hear me. I had no other choice."

(male thirty-one years old,

Late 20th century)

Death messages are often filled with difficult emotions: guilt and regret, feelings of hopelessness, anger, shame, fear. In most cases, guilt and regret predominate:

“Hana, take care of yourself and your son and forgive me for your warped life: forgive me, my holy Hana! If I can’t get along with you, then who in the world can I live with?”

(lieutenant,

Late 19th – early 20th century)

Anger is much less common, and it is more typical for men who accuse their wives of driving them to suicide. But there are also angry messages from women, for example, a letter from an adult orphanage pupil to a former teacher (late 19th – early 20th century):

“Did you really dare to say that I was a woman when I got along with you? Know, cursed one, that the child is already moving, and, dying, both I and he curse you. With one word you could restore life to both me and him. You didn't want to. Let all misfortunes be on your head. Suffer only failures in all your endeavors, be a vagabond, a drunkard, and let my curse weigh upon you everywhere and everywhere. I will haunt you day and night... I really want to live.”

Based on an analysis of the emotions, themes and recipients of suicide letters, suicidologists have identified possible motives for suicide:

AVOIDANCE

(GUILTY, PUNISHMENT, SUFFERING)

This is the most frequently mentioned motive - the inability to continue to endure the unbearable heartache, loss, guilt or shame for a socially unacceptable act.

“I'm sitting alone. Now, finally, there will be freedom from the mental torment that I experienced. This should come as no surprise to anyone. My eyes have been talking about despair for a very long time. Rejection, failure and disappointment broke me. There is no way to pull yourself out of this hell. Goodbye, my love. I'm sorry"

(man forty-nine years old, late 20th century)

(REVENGE)

Protest against heavy family problems, against the injustice of society towards the individual, against cruelty is another common motive, which is found much more often among people in the age group of twenty-six to thirty-five years. This motive is often associated with the expression of emotions of anger and blame, and the note is often addressed to a specific person.

“This is revenge, it pressed on my chest”

(Bekir Nebiev, 2015)

SELF-PUNISHMENT

An attempt to punish oneself or atone for actions that are subjectively assessed as difficult and irreparable.

“Mom, mommy! I’m leaving so as not to return as a traitor and disgrace everyone, our entire family. It happens, bear with it. I am begging you. I am with you the same as I was before..."

(Alexander Dolmatov, 2013)

COMPULSION

A motive, the purpose of which is to attract the attention of recipients to some problem and force them to change their behavior.

(Sergey Rudakov, 2010)

RATIONAL REFUSAL

Rational refusal - an explanation of one’s action as the impossibility and pointlessness of continuing to endure a serious illness, age restrictions, and so on. The motive is primarily characteristic of age groups over sixty years old.

“...In order not to leave any room for speculation, I will briefly explain. Recently, two heart attacks and a stroke due to diabetes have given me a lot of discomfort. Due to partial paralysis, walking, thinking and working becomes more difficult every day. The future plant existence is somehow not at all for me. So, really, it’s time...”

(Andrey Shiryaev, 2013)

CRY FOR HELP

The note may be a desperate attempt to draw the attention of other people to their mental suffering, it is not necessarily demonstrative in nature, and may not be recognized by the person himself as a cry for help.

“Since I don’t have the love that I need so much, it means I have nothing left.”

(woman, forty-five years old, late 20th century)

Motives are often combined and combined with each other. Although not all suicide notes are easy to interpret and indicate the presence of some motives. There are laconic, short messages from which it is difficult to understand anything (late 19th - early 20th centuries): “I want to go to the next world,” “It’s time to play the box.” Or unusual notes containing existential reflections:

“Feelings experienced on the top of the cliff at Kegon Falls: The world is too big and history is too long to be appreciated by such a tiny creature as five feet tall... The true nature of all things is beyond understanding. I decided to die with this thought... Now, on the top of the cliff, I no longer feel anxiety."

(Mi-sao Fujimura, 1903)

Writing a suicide note can be a spontaneous decision, when it is written quickly, on the first piece of paper that comes to hand, or it can be comprehended over a long period of time. Anatoly Koni, a Russian lawyer of the late 19th century, who wrote the work “Suicide in Law and in Life,” gives the following example: “The provincial artist Bernheim, twenty-two years old, is poisoned by cocaine and in a letter to her brother describes in detail the gradual sensation “when the soul flies away under influence of poison,” and ends the letter with an unfinished phrase: “And here comes the end...”.” However, short suicide messages written on a sheet torn from a notebook are more common:

“Don’t blame anyone: the thorny path of life hindered my path, I tried to free myself, but in vain. Now I don’t want to go anymore and I can’t.”

(teacher, late 19th – early 20th century)

Traditionally, paper is used for suicide letters, but there are exceptions: suicide notes are also found on random objects - scraps of wrapping paper or toilet paper, recipe forms, tablecloth surfaces or even leather. In a far from positive sense, social media has become an increasingly popular means for publishing dying messages to family, friends and many other people.

“I apologize to everyone who knew me, but Omaha changed me and plowed me, and the school where I go now is even worse. You will hear about the evil that I will do, but the damn school brought me to this. I want you to remember me for who I was before. I know I have greatly impacted the lives of families that I have destroyed, I am truly sorry. Farewell"

(suicide note from an American high school student, posted on his Facebook page, 2011)

Albert Camus wrote: “There is only one truly serious philosophical problem - the problem of suicide. To decide whether life is worth living or not is to answer the fundamental question of philosophy... These are the conditions of the game: you have to give an answer.” This is a good philosophical question, but in everyday life people don't tend to stop and take the time and space to think about the answer. Only for suicides - those who decide that the game is not worth the candle - does the search for a solution become meaningful. And aren’t they looking in their notes for reasons that could refute the value of life with its endless suffering? They can be understood. But the result of reading a suicide letter can be paradoxical: thanks to empathy, readers think about the main philosophical problem: why we exist and how we should live our lives.

I always studied and excelled, but my parents were always unhappy...
The girl put a pen and a piece of paper on her desk and went to the bathroom. There she climbed into the bathroom, turned on the water and, clutching a stationery knife, cut her wrists. There was no emotion on her face, she didn’t care anymore...
The blood was flowing... Tanya became dizzy and passed out... fell asleep... forever...
Her mother, Margarita Petrovna, returned home. Hearing the sound of water, she decided that Tanya was taking a bath. The mother’s first thought was: “She decided to take a bath? And when will she do her homework? An irresponsible child! And that’s how we raised her. That’s all.” adolescence!" The woman opened the bathroom door and the picture she saw shocked her and plunged her into fear. Tanya lay in the bathroom lifeless. In blood on the wall was written “You can’t save me, look at my table...” Margarita Petrovna didn’t care about the inscription. She I called my husband and called an ambulance. My husband rushed in 6 minutes with the ambulance, but as it was written on the wall, she couldn’t be saved.
The ambulance only said the time of death. Then the police arrived. The girl's body was examined by experts, although it was clear that it was suicide. Tanya was taken to the morgue.
Three days later Tanya was buried. And only when her mother came to her room to give her textbooks from the library, she discovered a note on her daughter’s desk. This was Tanya's suicide note.
It said:
" Mother, father,
If you're reading this, it means I'm already dead. I’ve been silent for a long time about what I’m about to write, but I can’t stand it anymore. I know that my life does not belong to me and my family is cursed to the seventh generation, but I am your only daughter and our family will end...
And this is what I am writing about:
All my life I had no right to stay late after school without calling you and having a good reason. My friends knew me only as the girl who was the best. All my homework and tests were often copied, but this did not interfere with my life. During these cheating sessions, I was able to communicate with my classmates. We also talked during breaks. But I was never invited to play anywhere or even just to go to the movies. That’s how Dad came on the first of September in the fifth grade and was with me until the seventh grade and they were afraid to talk. As soon as I established relationships with my peers, you intervened. No one talks to me again. But that's not the worst thing.
You often told me that when I grow up, I will start my own company and become the richest person on the planet. But they didn’t say a word about happiness. Is wealth the most important thing in life? My father best friend Dashi tells her that her mother went to heaven with the angels and only the happy go to heaven. What did you tell me when grandpa died? That this old bastard finally glued his fins together! Dad, if this old brat had not met the old hag and fell in love with her, then you would not have even been born! You can be happy without a lot of money! Dasha and her Dad live normally without a lot of money.
One question has always bothered me. Why should I study if I will still work as a manager in one of the stores of some lousy company that no one needs? There seem to be no other professions in our country. I will graduate from university and go to work on a recommendation, but I won’t last even a week. I will leave to work as this very manager. And my B in work will not change anything, no matter how hard you try. Making a scandal over this was a very stupid thing to do. You know that I have low self-esteem and you also add fuel to the fire with your reproaches every single day.
Long suicide note, isn't it? This is only part of what I wanted to tell you, but let your conscience finally awaken in you and you understand that no matter how much you want it, fate will juggle me as it wants and this cannot be changed.
I tried to tell you this alive, but it didn’t work. Forgive me and I forgive you, but I don’t want to live. Goodbye and maybe someday you will listen to these words.
Your Tanya..."

After these words, Margarita Petrovna handed the note to her husband. After reading it, he realized that he himself was an old brat.
They invited a priest and dedicated the apartment, after which they sold all their property. They gave the money to an orphanage in order to at least somehow atone for their guilt before Tanya. The girl’s parents moved to the village to live with Margarita Petrovna’s old father and took care of him as best they could. The woman got a job as a teacher in a rural school, and the man got a job as a combine operator at a local enterprise. They finally realized that it is better to live in poverty, but to be happy...