Anger: how to get along with an aggressive husband or wife. Why did my husband become aggressive and cruel?

Men often say that only women during periods of manic states (PMS) break plates, swear and get irritated over trifles. It turns out that men are not far from this. They also have depressive-manic periods, during which they are so susceptible to neurosis. Further on the topic:

“You mixed up all my disks again!” Or: “When will you learn to cook like a human being?!” Or: “Someone didn’t turn off the light in the kitchen again!” And all this in very elevated tones. Sound familiar? There are days when your loved one finds fault with everything in the world and nothing can please him. At the same time, you know for sure that everything is fine with him at work, the car is in perfect order, and two days ago he told you that you best woman in the world. And in bed he behaves somehow strangely. Then, grumbling at the irrepressible female temperament, he turns to the wall and pretends to be asleep. Then, on the contrary, he wants more and more, although it’s already half past five and you have to get up for work in two hours. Until recently, it was believed that hormonal storms only occur in women. And the male half of humanity depends on hormones only in their tender adolescence.

Well, in the morning (about eight, according to sexologists), when the level of “male hormone” in the blood is especially high and predisposes to sex. It was also believed that those with too high a dose of testosterone either become overgrown with thick, curly hair from head to toe, or (in especially severe cases) become sexual maniacs.

But it turns out that a hormonal storm, on the contrary, that is, testosterone deficiency, is much more dangerous. Men become irritable, nervous, and quarrelsome. Moreover, irrepressible sexual desire(up to manic forms) is also a consequence of low hormonal levels. Apparently, with their aggressive behavior, men unconsciously try to compensate for the lack of masculinity. Why is testosterone so important? Because, without exaggeration, it is the main male hormone on which emotional and physical state men.

Syndrome male irritability(SMR) - this is the scientific name for his cries about mixed up disks, unextinguished lights and your inability to cook. Victims of SMR complain of depression, fatigue, drowsiness, and (of course) irritability. Their wives and girlfriends, in turn, complain that when they come home from work, their halves are capable of only one thing: lock themselves in the room, lie down on the sofa and fall asleep to the murmur of the TV. Sounds like PMS, doesn't it? But in contrast, SMR occurs irregularly and, once it occurs, can last for several weeks.

SMR is a new and rapidly spreading disease. Where did he come from? Maybe the male body began to produce less testosterone? No. The main male hormone is produced in the same quantities as thousands of years ago. But living conditions have changed. Daily stress at work and at home, an ever-growing amount of information to which they need to react, force men to produce a weekly norm of the hormone per day. And if your boyfriend is sick, busy with work, or simply lives in a very stressful rhythm, the testosterone reserve simply does not have time to be replenished. But that is not all. It turns out that we women are also involved in men's "hard days." In conditions of emancipation, when there are fewer and fewer purely male professions, when wives often earn an order of magnitude more than their husbands, and female bosses manage enterprises much tougher and more effectively than men, it is increasingly difficult for the latter to live up to the image of a real man. But they still strive for him. At the cost of incredible effort, constant tension and... testosterone.

Research shows that persistent testosterone deficiency, and therefore chronic SMR, occurs even among 20-year-old men. But the most dangerous age is 40-45 years. A man is afraid of growing old and losing his sexual attractiveness; he thinks about missed opportunities and concludes that there will be nothing bright in his life; may fall into depression.. The concept - male irritability syndrome was invented by Scottish physician Gerald Lincoln in the spring of 2002. To prove that hormonal fluctuations are not only a female prerogative, he conducted a number of experiments. First on animals (mainly sheep). It turned out that during the mating period (when the level of testosterone in the blood reaches its maximum), males behave courageously, bravely and very friendly towards females. Everyone needs to prove to their herd neighbors that he is the best candidate for paternity. But as soon as the mating season ends, the rams become nervous, irritable and even mischievous. Need I say that testosterone drops significantly at this time? In a word, rams (as well as deer and Indian elephants) have all the signs of SMR

Further experiments were carried out on people, not only in Scotland, but also in England and the USA. Dr Richard Petty from the London Clinic men's health states: temporary interruptions in the main male hormone out of two hundred; suffers from constantly low testosterone levels. Moreover, these are often very young (20-year-old!) men. Of course, these differences cannot be explained by the end of the mating season - people simply do not experience such a phenomenon, or rather, it lasts all year round. The main cause of human failure is stress.

Construction and installation work is his problem if:
He either doesn’t want to have sex, or doesn’t think about anything but sex;
He constantly complains of fatigue;
He stopped going to training (if he used to go, of course);
He falls asleep immediately after dinner (sometimes at the table);
He accompanies any of your actions with the comment: “I can’t stand it when you...”

What to do if one of the spouses has a short temper, or, in other words, is angry? How to get along with such a spouse, understand whether anger is justified or not, overcome fear and anxiety in the family, what line of behavior to choose, tell the rector of the shchmch temple. Antipas priest Dimitry Roshchin and clinical psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences Evgenia Zotkina.

- Why does anger arise in a person? Why are some people more susceptible to this than others? Is it about upbringing or chemical processes in the body?

Evgenia Zotkina: First, let's figure out what anger is from a psychological point of view. This is something emotional condition, which implies aggressiveness, bitterness. Anger is especially strong when a person is in a state of passion. Such a reaction can occur in a person if, in the process of activity or communication, events that occur do not coincide with expectations. There is a negative reaction to the inability to get pleasure, frustration, and aggression becomes a reaction to it.

There is open aggression and hidden aggression. In everyday life, people use open forms of aggression, such as anger.

Aggressive people are people, as a rule, with wounded vanity, ambition, who believe that they are underestimated, they were not given something, and they deserve more and better.

There are also hidden forms of aggression:

• defensive-active,
• defensive-passive.

If a child is the idol of the whole family, then he grows up to be a little tyrant. He is used to having his desires always satisfied, and if he receives a refusal, he gets angry and throws a fit - this is an active position.

If a child has been suppressed by parents or society, he cannot splash out his aggression outside and accumulates it inside. Such a person, when he grows up, gives off a vague, inarticulate, unspoken and very painful feeling. Often such a person begins to remember some sad stories, accidents, and there is a sense of negativity in the conversation.

In general, the modern environment and culture are very aggressive, and not only in our country, but throughout the world. Residents of big cities constantly experience frustration; many lack a calm, joyful perception of the world. Now there is a global aestheticization of evil; in our time, evil is the norm.

After all, why are films about cops, bandits, and murders popular? People have a need to watch all these horrors. And when a person cannot correctly regulate his need for aggression, this means that his personality structure is disturbed. Fear is a provocateur of reactions of aggression and anger.

There is a loss of attachment, a feeling of being squeezed out of this world - and anger becomes a kind of deformed defensive reaction, which also manifests itself in sympathy for the aggressors. Many people admire Stalin, Hitler, Pinochet. Worship of aggressors is identification with the aggressor. A person cannot resist some events in life, change some things to some extent due to social factors; a person gets used to his own social helplessness and believes that nothing depends on him.

— What should a husband or wife do if the other half often gets angry?

Evgenia Zotkina: In men, aggression is instrumental, it is used to achieve a goal.

In women, aggression is expressive: she feels bad and starts screaming.

And if one screams and the other endures, then the second partner is a silent accomplice in such a relationship.

Sometimes it happens that spouses will yell at each other in the morning, and in the evening they come home as if nothing had happened - no one is offended, they no longer remember what happened in the morning. If this happens and no one really takes offense at each other, then it’s not scary.

If the dishes in the house don’t break, but the wife constantly mumbles and comments displeasedly about how her husband scattered his things, how he eats, how he sleeps, etc., this is hidden aggression. If a person feels good with his spouse, then they are unlikely to spoil each other’s mood for such insignificant reasons - such couples intuitively protect each other. Constant dissatisfaction with a partner destroys relationships much more than any single emotional shots or outbursts of anger.

A person understands very well where and how he can behave, where he can throw out his anger and where not. If the wife reacts to her husband’s aggressive attacks as unacceptable, and the husband values ​​his wife, he will try not to do that again. A person, in fact, can control a lot. An outburst of anger can be extinguished, or it can be inflated. For example, at work a person cannot show his aggression, but at home he wants to and yells, and you are already a hero. We must always remember that a person behaves the way he is allowed to behave.

Dimitri: First we need to talk about where this passion comes from. Anger is always born of pride. Just as pride is full of lies, so anger is full of lies. (The exception is “righteous anger”). Every passion must be opposed by its opposite virtue.

Since a family is a single whole, if one half of the family is sick with some kind of illness, in this case anger, then the other half must show meekness in a special way, because meekness is the opposite of anger. And thus win, because the fight is for the common good. This, however, applies to any family illness - if one part is sick, the other must fight to maintain health in this particular aspect, because we save each other.

But meekness can be shown for the time being. It all depends on the extent to which a person is willing to endure, on the current situation in the family. If a person is constantly being beaten and is no longer able to endure it, then he should temporarily avoid life together and see what effect it has. If a path to reconciliation is found, go back. And if this condition does not go away, then you need to further decide what to do about it, whether it is possible to stay in the family.

— If a person is aware of his aggression and suffers from it, what can be recommended to him?

Evgenia Zotkina: Stress and anger are very well relieved by physical activity. Anything: walk up and down the stairs, do some squats, do some physical work- and it will become easier.

In general, a healthy person is able to control his emotions. Of course, when a person is angry, deep things happen inside him. inner work, it’s hard, and it’s easier to shout or break something. But it is important to ask yourself a question in time: how much is the person in front of me really to blame for my rage? If a person learns to correctly analyze his emotions, it will be easier for him to cope with them.

Father Dimitri: The main task of a person who is angry is not to let his anger out. Let it rage within him, but a person must literally grit his teeth, bite his tongue and do everything possible to prevent this passion from rising. If he learns to catch these states, then with this exercise he will be able to lower this anger deeper and deeper until it ceases to be born at all. But it's very difficult. You need to be attentive to yourself, make it your task to fight this passion. If a person takes care of himself in one thing, it is absolutely certain that he will take care of himself in everything else.

— If children show signs of temper, how to deal with it?

Evgenia Zotkina: Children become hot-tempered due to a strong information field that overstimulates the child’s psyche. The child’s psyche cannot cope with the incoming barrage of information, while the parents themselves are restless and anxious, and anxiety creates in the child a feeling of an unsafe environment.

There is a crisis in the family and a huge gap between generations. Parents have no time for their children: they get tired at work, come home nervous, and since children are now very active, overexcited, emotional, with increased motor skills, they quickly master gadgets and shooters. The child begins to play murder and understands that all issues can be resolved with the help of force. Children love more the one who plays with them, and since they spend most of their time on the computer, they lose touch with their parents. Dad and mom cease to be role models and authorities; they are replaced by the fruits of mass culture.

To prevent such a situation in the family, parents should devote as much time as possible to their children, talk with them, and answer questions. A child should feel that his home is his fortress, and that no matter what he does, he will always be accepted and supported there. This is the most important thing parents can give their child.

Father Dimitri: Using your power, prohibit the child from entering an aggressive state, stop him, explain that this is wrong - stop all attempts. Isolate, put in a corner - in general, bring to life in accordance with the degree to which anger manifests itself. It seems to me that children who get angry easily have learned this from adults. There may be some exceptions, but, as a rule, the child finds everything within the family. Therefore, you need to look at yourself first.

Ekaterina Vorobyova
Anna Berseneva

Discussion

Anger is quite natural. The question is how to control it. You need to show self-control. Love is the key to happiness, but love is not just emotions or feelings. This is a principle of behavior, an inner core that can withstand any difficulties in order to save the family.

Of course, I won’t read it, there’s a clear blizzard there for sure, but I can give advice - beat it. Outbursts of rage are a manifestation of promiscuity. At work, in the presence of superiors, everyone can control themselves. Everyone who is not in a mental hospital, of course.

I don’t understand the screaming, breaking dishes, fighting with a rolling pin at all.
For what?
if there is love, then there should be no desire to fight, and if there is no love, then is it worth living with such a person?
We also disagree about enduring anger inside ourselves with clenched teeth!
Another question is how to pour it out)

Comment on the article "Anger: how to get along with an aggressive husband or wife"

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Irritability and aggression are those affects that always cause harm to people around them, mainly to loved ones. This can be both physical and moral impact. Those around him suffer, and the person himself, who cannot restrain himself, suffers.

It is believed that aggressive behavior more typical for men. This is not entirely true; aggression comes in different forms. Men are more prone to direct aggression, expressed in physical actions. This does not necessarily mean beating someone, it can be threats, shouting, sudden movements, or destruction of objects. But there is also indirect, hidden, verbal aggression, which is more characteristic of women (gossip, slander, slander, veiled humiliation).

The topic of aggression, violence, and incontinence in men has been very relevant lately. Recently a term has appeared and is widely discussed on the Internet: Male Irritability Syndrome (MIS).

There is no exact definition of this syndrome, just as it is not included in the ICD classification of diseases. Probably, it was originally invented as an analogy with menopause in women: men also begin at a certain age (after 40 years). And indeed, during this period, changes in mood and behavior occur.

But if we now type “male irritability syndrome” into the search, we can see that absolutely any episodes of “bad” male behavior at any age are dumped there, and all this is explained by testosterone.

On the one hand, it's easier. On the other hand, it’s a shame for men. They are presented as absolutely primitive creatures. Although our behavior originates from animal instincts, so many things are layered on them: upbringing, culture, education, awareness of our role in society, the ability to control ourselves. In addition, our nervous system is a very complex thing, and is regulated not only by testosterone.

After all, there are various diseases, both somatic and mental, which need to be treated, and not hide behind a non-existent syndrome.

The most likely causes of male irritability

It is impossible to analyze absolutely all the causes of irritability and aggression in men in one article. We will indicate the most probable reasons and the most general recommendations.

Natural type of temperament

Everyone knows four types of temperament: phlegmatic, sanguine, melancholic and choleric. The most excitable type is, of course, choleric. He is quick-tempered and impulsive, reacts to the situation very quickly, without thinking, sometimes quite violently.

At the same time, melancholic people can be irritated by fuss and the need to make quick decisions.

What to do?

Natural temperament cannot be changed; the only way out is self-education. Automotive training, yoga classes, and various relaxation methods will help with this. Very effective advice: If you want to “explode,” take a deep breath and count to 10.

Physiological hormonal disorders

The level of male sex hormone really affects mental stability. Testosterone is a hormone that makes a man a man: it ensures the formation of genital organs, secondary sexual characteristics, stimulates growth muscle mass, sexual arousal, sperm production.

Testosterone levels also affect mental processes in the brain. When testosterone levels decrease, a man becomes irritable, quickly gets tired, and outbursts of anger are possible. Testosterone levels are affected by various factors, its wide fluctuations during the day are known.

Its natural decline is observed in (age after 40-45 years). In addition to changes in behavior, other signs will be noticeable: weight gain, decreased sex drive, decreased muscle strength.

What to do?

Testosterone treatment is prescribed only in severe cases. And so you can establish its production using non-drug methods. The main thing is to switch to absolutely healthy image life with enough physical activity, excluding bad habits. Review the medications you are using; some of them may affect testosterone production.

Biochemical changes in the brain

This is primarily a decrease in serotonin levels. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter. It is responsible for many processes in the body, including mood. It is known that in a bad mood the level of serotonin is reduced, and in a good mood it is increased.

The mechanism of regulation of this hormone in the body is not fully understood. But two natural factors are reliably known to increase serotonin levels in the brain: sunlight and carbohydrate foods. A man is angry when he is hungry - this is a lack of serotonin. Addictions (nicotine, alcohol, drugs) are also mainly serotonin.

In addition, it is necessary to strive for positive emotions. In the serotonin-mood relationship, it is not clear enough what is the cause and what is the effect.

A long-term and persistent decrease in serotonin levels in the brain can lead to depression. And this is already a reason to contact a psychiatrist.

What to do?

No one measures serotonin levels routinely. Intuitively, you need to strive for those activities that will improve your mood: sports, a good movie (comedy), your favorite music, sex, communication with people you like. More walks in the sun, more light in general. Eat on time to avoid severe hunger. The diet should be rich in carbohydrates, but you need to remember that fast carbohydrates in large quantities can cause addiction to sweets. Alcohol is allowed in very moderate quantities.

Increased stress levels

We all know what stress is. For many, it is synonymous with change and anxiety. All that makes us worry is stress. At the same time, the level of stress hormones in the body increases - cortisol, catecholamines and others. These are the hormones that historically caused our bodies to run and escape from danger.

Nowadays, stress is not hunger, cold or wild animals; there is no need to run anywhere. Stress is overwork, it is public transport, traffic jams, inadequate management. Stress can also be attributed to the discrepancy between our capabilities and our desires. For men, this often means the loss of their role as a “leader”, provider, failure in their personal and intimate life.

What to do?

You won't be able to avoid stress at all. You need to learn to relieve constant internal irritation. This is relaxation, good sleep, walks, sports, favorite music, light film, sex, hobbies. During vacation, it is better to go away and change the environment.

Question to a psychologist

Hello! I’m 26 years old, we’ve been married for 5 years, but with the advent of the baby everything changed, with every quarrel my husband insults me. I tried with affection, especially in front of a child, swearing, it’s terrible, I was silent for a moment, tried to talk to him, but I heard in response from him (it became a habit) there was a moment when my son was being bathed and I put the diaper on his shoulder, he began to hit my hands, the child looked at it all, although before that we were playing with the diaper and everything was fine, in general he beat all my hands, I cried I left in response and didn’t do anything, then I went for a walk with the child, I told him to come with us, I need to buy more groceries, in response, I want to rest, I won’t go, I think okay, let her rest, I’ll go back, I call, I say, come down and pick up some groceries, to which he answers me. I’m playing tanks, wait 10 minutes. I say the child wants to eat, he’s naughty, I won’t be able to lift everything, especially since there’s no elevator on the 5th floor, baby, I see he’s coming down, he’s starting to lament the conditions for me, don’t set them, etc. I’m telling you, the game is more important to you than us, they started swearing in the entrance and he takes me and pushes me down the stairs, okay, I resisted, I would have fallen, I started screaming at him, he swung but didn’t hit me, I came crying, I was very tired of enduring all this, although I can also answer physically, I tried to resolve the situation and there was no point, I can’t go out with him anymore where I don’t want to go, after such actions I began to irritate, go to my mother? I won’t go back to work for at least 2 years, help me figure it out

Ekaterina, in order for your husband to change his attitude, it is advisable for you to learn to defend your rights, read about it here:
http://psiholog-dnepr.com.ua/be-your-own-therapist/diary-confidence
And don’t sacrifice yourself, read about it here:
http://psiholog-dnepr.com.ua/be-your-own-therapist/diary-confidence/kak-perestat-byt-zhertvoj

Sincerely, Svetlana Kiselevskaya, psychologist, master's degree.

Ekaterina, hello! I will begin to answer your question with the words of Ruslan Narushevich (something similar was asked at one of his seminars): “When a woman suppresses anger, the man nearby begins to go wild. He becomes rude, tactless and even capable of verbal or physical violence because of the anger that a woman carries within herself. And she looks like a quiet victim. This is the most confusing relationship. The woman quietly says: “Why are you shouting like that?” And he begins to shake even more. What a woman suppresses, a man manifests. She mocks him subtly. Everything looks as if he is a brutal idiot, and she is pretty, calm and well-mannered. She continues to calm him down, to reason with him with affection, he screams even stronger and louder. Everyone around him thinks he’s gone crazy.” Ekaterina, you write that you tried to resolve the matter with kindness, remained silent, walked away and did nothing in response to the rudeness, endured it, etc. If all these steps don't lead to anything, why not try something different? Start experiencing the feelings you are experiencing at this particular moment. If you’re angry here and now, show it, don’t wait for your husband to get angry and go wild for you. By suppressing negative feelings, you also suppress all others too. As a result, love goes somewhere. A man does not need an emotionless doll. If you remain silent in response to rudeness, he thinks: “Does she love me at all? Where are her emotions? Well, now I’ll check her feelings, do they exist in her or not?” and does another dirty trick to get through to the woman. And in response there is silence... Next time he will commit an even bigger mischief in order to still receive an emotional charge from his wife. After all, in the sphere of feelings and emotions, a woman is a queen, this is her sphere. A man comes to her for this and gets nothing. Then he starts to get angry. Moreover, by suppressing anger in communication with her husband, a woman does not show it in bed, where it is very necessary. Does a man always need a quiet, meek, submissive, sleeping beauty? Ekaterina, don’t be afraid to experiment. Change the established pattern of behavior to another and the situation around you will also change. Good luck and courage to you! Sincerely,

Noskova Galina Yurievna, psychologist Tambov