Every family eventually faces a relationship crisis. Getting used to each other, partners sometimes stop noticing what once united them. Or, conversely, excessive intrusiveness fetters one and develops nervousness in the other. Why is this happening? Psychologists have written more than one dissertation about this, but how to overcome the difficulties of misunderstanding and save the family is sometimes completely incomprehensible.
The situation becomes even more problematic when a child appears. He grows up and duplicates the behavior of his parents, and when they, in turn, try to point out his shortcomings, his beloved child begins to rebel, because he sees the same thing in his mom and dad.
How to cope with relationship conflicts or prevent them altogether?
1. Introduce yourself from the outside
You can even conduct an experiment: express your accumulated grievances while looking in the mirror to yourself. Do you feel better? Definitely not, you released your anger, but it came back and became much more unpleasant. What about those who receive a daily dose of negativity from you?
Conclusion: if you want to listen to complaints and ridicule, change your communication style.
2. Choose your time to talk well
If you are determined to restore your relationship, establish contact with your husband (wife) or child, never start serious conversations looking at night. No wonder there has been a saying since ancient times: “The morning is wiser than the evening.” It was not stupid people who came up with it, it is an experience developed over centuries. If your spouse comes home late, don't nag him or her, say, "I think we'd better talk in the morning." The same goes for children. There is no point in being outraged by any actions at night, otherwise it will become even worse.
Conclusion: serious and productive conversation is only possible when both parties are willing to listen rather than hear.
3. Develop good habits
These habits include: gratitude, apology, politeness, good wishes. It costs nothing to say “thank you” when you receive even the smallest favor. It will not be at all difficult for a man to shake hands with a woman getting out of a car, for example. Wish each other good night before going to bed. Smile when you enter home. Take care of your loved ones, don’t give ultimatums. Meet halfway, try to understand, put yourself in the other person’s place. And remember: your children, seeing how you communicate, take an example from you.
Conclusion: learn to understand actions rather than evaluate consequences.
4. Get used to self-control
A person who loses his temper is capable of saying an incredible amount of nasty things. At such moments, all the grievances are remembered. Under no circumstances should you be led by anger. If anger and resentment pour out on you like a real waterfall, try to restrain yourself. The most offensive things are said by offended and indignant people in the first 4 minutes. It is important to hold on at this time. Look at the clock or watch the second hand and you can avoid losing your own energy. Which, by the way, can then recover in at least 6 hours.
Conclusion: take care of yourself, don’t be a sponge that absorbs everything.
Follow these simple rules, don’t stress yourself out, enjoy the opportunities you already have, and there will be even more of them.
Quite often, conflict situations arise in our lives that destroy mutual understanding in relationships, leading us to confusion and despair. In love, such moments become depressing and, if you do not deal with them, the problem in communication between lovers only gets worse over time. Then the most important thought that spins in the head of a man and a woman at that moment: “We don’t understand each other.”
Mutual understanding is a very significant factor in a relationship, since the existence of love in general largely depends on it. If it doesn’t exist, communication between a man and a woman becomes more and more difficult, after which “heat of passion” follows, turning into a debilitating series of conflicts. Where does misunderstanding come from in a relationship and why can it lead to a breakup? Let's try to figure it out.
The whole point is that the situation is when people cannot find mutual language and come to a compromise is a consequence of a number of unpleasant factors preceding this event. What leads to the fact that loving people don't understand each other? And how to achieve mutual understanding?
1. We don't want to hear each other. Usually, in a person's thoughts, personal demands and needs are much louder than the demands and needs of anyone else. This is a fairly common communication mistake for many people. Therefore, it is very important to analyze the conflict situation and understand: what did I miss in the relationship?
It is even more important to remember those things that a loved one has ever asked you for, and answer yourself honestly: were these requests heard by you? No? Then why should your significant other hear you? The presence of a complaint is already a reason to objectively analyze the situation and find the reasons for its occurrence. Perhaps it (the reason) will be revealed precisely in your behavior. Then it will become clear to you why you do not have mutual understanding with your husband or wife.
2. We know how to take, but we don’t know how to give back. Any relationship between people is built on mutual exchange. And it must be equivalent. We all very quickly get used to using what we are given, including love. But at the same time, we are so often lazy to give in return the manifestation of our bright feelings and care. Sooner or later, a loved one accumulates complaints: why do I surround him with my spiritual warmth, but in return I receive only glimpses of it? And then he changes his position and stops giving what we are so accustomed to. From here mutual understanding begins to lose its strength.
Therefore, when a conflict arises, try to understand: what did you receive from your significant other and what did you give in return? Is your concern and expression of love equal? If not, look for ways to improve the situation and return kindness for kindness.
3. We don't respect each other. Many couples and lovers try to deny that misunderstanding in relationships appears precisely for this reason. Absence from a loved one excludes love. That is why each of us should be careful about the opinion of our other half, her personal time, requests and desires. It is necessary to take into account the needs and needs that are present in each of us. We need to think first of all about the one we love and then compare his desires with your own.
4. We don't know how to appreciate love. Such bright feelings as love are priceless and unique. But at the same time they are very fragile and vulnerable. So when we don't keep love in our face loved one, it is gradually being destroyed. Do you love each other and can't imagine living alone? See for yourself: how many people can experience the depth of true feelings? How many were able to maintain love during difficult periods of relationships? So why don’t you take care of it and appreciate it?
When you feel that the relationship has reached a dead end, think: maybe you should mentally go back and correct your mistakes in order not to regret the terrible loss in your life - the loss true love. After all, a careless attitude towards feelings entails moments when mutual understanding in the family begins to disappear.
5. We don’t want to take the place of our loved one. This means trying to understand his situation at least a little, to be in his own “skin.” Very often, blinded by indignation, we look only at ourselves and our wounded feelings. And at this moment, for some reason, the thought so rarely arises of looking into the soul of a loved one or taking his place in order to understand what it’s like for him?
Misunderstanding in a relationship is the beginning of the end. When people do not try to achieve harmony and understand each other, they with my own hands They destroy what will later be impossible to collect - love and feelings. You cannot sit and wait for your husband or wife to begin to understand you, reproaching him for disrespect and other unpleasant things.
If you want to truly harmonize your love relationships, start with yourself: remember all the conflict situations, understand and realize your mistakes as objectively as possible and begin to correct them. And then your soulmate will certainly “catch up” to you and begin to do the same: try to maintain love and relationships. And after this, your feelings will become stronger, because they can be cemented by respect, care and mutual understanding.
Let me start with the following statement: “Compassion can heal much more sins than blame, bullying and reproaches.” I’ll even say more that criticism creates far more sins than it heals. Compassion is one of the many forms of manifestation of love, it is this quality that we must develop in order to crowd out criticism from our hearts and find mutual understanding in our relationships with others. Why do people have a desire to criticize, what do we show when we criticize other people, maybe the reason for this is the lack of love in people’s hearts, how to deal with criticism, how to change their behavior without criticizing people better side and many other issues will be discussed in this article.
Criticism is like a lack of love
Let's imagine a situation where you, child school age, bring home a deuce, and on this very day it’s your father’s birthday - everyone is hanging out, drinking and having fun. What is the expected reaction of your father to your school successes - he will say that we won’t ruin the holiday, it’s okay, don’t worry, you’ll correct this bad mark. That is, when good mood, and the person is in a happy state, then forgiving a bad mark, or some other offense, is not a problem for him. The next day the child again brings a bad mark, and the father has a hangover and is far from being in a festive mood, I think you guessed how this story will end - the flow of negative words and emotions will simply not be stopped, the child will be called an idiot or something else, and in additions, they will also remember yesterday’s two.
We so often find ourselves in situations where people either show condescension or reproach for the same things, and we can notice that when a person is happy and satisfied, he holds on to this state and many things do not throw him off balance, but when a person is in a bad mood, when he has a lack of love in his heart, he looks for someone to blame for his bad mood, tends to criticize and attack people. As they sometimes say, “Got caught in the hot hand,” that is, a person is irritated by something and he wants to throw out this negativity on those around him, let off steam, so to speak, and at the same time ruin the mood of others so that they also feel bad.
Often in families one can observe critical, caustic statements addressed to loved ones, claims and reproaches about who is doing what and in the wrong way - the reason for this is the lack of mutual understanding in relationships and the lack of love in the hearts of these people.
Love is giving, and when a person has nothing to give, when there is emptiness inside him or a dump of grievances and claims, then what kind of giving of love can we talk about, from the lips of such a person only abuse and reproaches will pour out to other people. When a person is happy and positive, then many things stop irritating him, he can treat the people around him, give them his affection and care. When there is no love, or it is replaced by an egoistic understanding - the desire only to demand, and not to give, then happiness in such relationships melts away day after day. Why does a person get angry, criticize - because he is simply unhappy, as they say, There are no bad people, but there are people who feel bad What does criticism mean - criticism means demanding love from others, it hurts you to see something or hear something you don’t like, when someone else doesn’t behave the way you would like. A person who makes complaints says that he is in pain and that he is unhappy. But with this behavior you forcefully demand love from your loved ones, you are not satisfied with what you have, with those who surround you, you have no peace in your soul.
“You should refrain in conversation from any critical, even benevolent, remarks: it is easy to offend a person, but to correct him is difficult, if not impossible.” Arthur Schopenhauer
No matter how much a person tries to change the world, the things and people around him, he will not be able to become happy until he understands his inner world. A man who never learned to build right relationship with oneself, will not be able to build correct relationships with others , will not be able to achieve mutual understanding in relationships. A person usually thinks that the people and circumstances around him are the reasons for his inability to happy life– and most people live in this misconception. Their attempts to change those around them, caused by a lack of love, in constant reproaches and criticism, with which they believe that they can change something for the better, only increasingly strain the relationship, ultimately destroying it.
Most people expect too much from others, and when the reality does not agree with the desired, try to at least not be too attached to certain things and events. Try to forgive people, allow them to make mistakes, I understand that it is not easy, but this is what people need, they expect and hope that they will be accepted for who they are. A person is ready to change according to your desires only if you do not put pressure on him, if you treat him with care and respect, accept him as he is and leave him.
“Criticism is useless because it makes a person defensive and, as a rule, strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous because it attacks his pride, hurts his sense of self-importance and causes resentment.” Dale Carnegie
But this is not some kind of connivance, no, this is not a disregard attitude - sometimes a person just needs to go through something himself, you just don’t need to go to extremes, you need to allow everything, try to find a middle ground, because if you look at the lives of the majority people - they already live in extremes. For example, in this situation, a person lives in that extreme in which he does not allow other people to make mistakes, constantly pointing out mistakes in a sarcastic and irritable tone.
“A fool can criticize, condemn and express dissatisfaction. And most fools do just that. But in order to understand and forgive, it is necessary to master character and develop self-control.” Dale Carnegie
When a person teaches others with his criticism, he is primarily driven by the idea of protecting himself from suffering, and changing the behavior of those around him is only a means to achieve this goal. Anyone who truly wants to help a person and wants to achieve mutual understanding in a relationship does not attack people with his criticism, which cuts people’s hearts and relationships. You need to stop deceiving yourself, saying that you only think about others, that this is for their own good. And when another person does the wrong thing, remember yourself, have you ever made a similar mistake, what kind of reaction would you like to see, would it be nice for you to listen to everything you say to the other, could you listen to such words. Put yourself in the other person's shoes, as comfortable as you would be.
“Before condemning anyone for anything, it would behoove a decent, sincere person to remember whether he himself has ever acted in a similar way out of error or due to unfavorable circumstances.” Ali Ashperoni
Many problems arise from ignorance. Put yourself in the shoes of another person and think about how you would behave, how you would react to this or that critical statement addressed to you. But there is no need to make excuses and say that let someone else take my place - this is your life, don’t let it out of your hands. You can continue to blame others for your troubles and continue to live in suffering, not having enough love in your heart, or you can begin to improve yourself and take the first step towards a happy life. It is not surprising that people begin to shut down when they are constantly criticized. I would like you to listen to constant comments on every occasion, where and what you are doing wrong - of course not. Why then don’t you stop nagging your loved ones, as if not noticing that as a result of such behavior open and trusting relationships are lost, others simply begin to fear that they are being pushed towards deception and secrecy.
“This is human nature in action: the guilty person blames anyone but himself.” Dale Carnegie
A person who lives in extremes thinks in extremes. You tell a person that there is no need to react to a person’s criticism in the same way, and he tells you, “Why should I allow everything and endure or something, and become a downtrodden mouse,” although they themselves are at the other extreme - they constantly nag the person in response, never tolerating. Why does a person either remain silent and endure everything, or react in a similar way, but all because golden mean- this is always work on ourselves, this is a manifestation of our character and such behavior must be achieved, going towards this step by step, extremes are our weaknesses. Sometimes a person simply does not know that it could be somehow different, or simply justifies his wrong behavior by citing other extremes only as an example - that is the problem.
A person who is heavily dependent on external circumstances will never be truly happy, he will always have a lack of love.
“You cannot humiliate a person without humiliating yourself with him.” Booker Washington
How to find mutual understanding in a relationship
If you want to improve your relationships with loved ones and find mutual understanding in relationships, then do at least something for this. A man can say that I work like hell, and a wife can say that I do everything for him, but he doesn’t appreciate it. The fact is that you are pleased when they do this and that to you, and you begin to believe that this is exactly what your partner needs, but another may regard it somehow differently, maybe he needs something else, and often The problem is not that you are giving little, but that you are simply giving the wrong thing. You need to understand what is really needed to a loved one. Yes and in family relationships One cannot limit oneself to material values only; one also needs spiritual values, a relationship between husband and wife who know their responsibilities and fulfill them to each other. Relationships need close friendships, not distant business relationships.
As often happens in relationships where there is no mutual understanding, when the husband believes that material values alone can satisfy a woman. And the man, showering her with gifts, does not understand why she is unhappy, thinking, what else does she need from me, but she needs communication, deep relationships, listening in the evenings, care - that’s it. The ability to not lose your temper when she is overwhelmed by emotions, the ability to maintain composure during sudden, unpredictable female mood swings, to hug her tightly and with love and tell her that you love her when she grumbles or gets offended, even if she doesn’t want to see or hear you. But of course, gifts and compliments are an important addition to the above, but they should not be the basis, the basis should be warm relations.
Women, in the absence of mutual understanding in a relationship, often say that they are simply exhausted, they do everything, but rarely ask for help, or ask in an edifying tone, and men’s psyche is such that they obey when the girl shows humility, when they are told, they resist. When a woman treats a man condescendingly, criticizes and constantly puts pressure on him, he will either become a rag and drink himself to death, or become brutal and beat you, so you need to ask men in a soft, non-persistent tone. Girls often endure and accumulate grievances, not knowing how to properly express them, until one day they pour them out on others, destroying relationships. Or they dissolve in relationships - this is a mistake that many make; forgetting about your desires and needs is as destructive as forgetting about the desires and needs of a loved one.
Love is a certain sacrifice, sacrifice of ideals, some principles, personal time and much more, but this is the sacrifice that ultimately gives incomparable happiness. But remember that as a result of sacrifice, you should in no case turn into a victim - a person who loses himself. To find mutual understanding in a relationship, you must give in on something. b, undoubtedly, but at the same time you should not forget about yourself. This tendency of girls to serve other people simply knows no bounds, they live by it, but when they dissolve in relationships, when they forget about themselves, their beloved, then they simply break down day after day, remember about yourself, dear ladies, not forgetting that To give something, you need to have something.
A lot of mistakes are made in relationships by both men and women, and the main problems are misunderstanding and ignorance of the needs of their partner, unwillingness to accept the nature of a man or a woman. Why do people study for 4 years or more at university in order to master some professional skills, but at the same time believe that human relations is the area in which they understand. Human relationships are the most complex mechanism in which there are many nuances, just start studying this knowledge and applying it in your life, and you will immediately see changes. In this regard, I recommend reading John Gray’s book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” - this book will help answer many life questions by answering the question “How to find mutual understanding in relationships.”
Lack of mutual understanding manifests itself in the form of a lack of respect from loved ones, trust with children, and good relationships with colleagues. Efforts must be made to change the situation
What is mutual understanding?
Mutual understanding between people is a coincidence of judgments and views, finding solutions to problems conflict situations. The foundation of long-term relationships is mutual understanding.
Without mutual understanding, a working relationship, love or friendship cannot exist. It is important for a person to feel the support of like-minded people in case of quarrels or conflicts. Mutual understanding is the main assistant on the path to success.
In family relationships, mutual understanding makes it easy to overcome common difficulties, maintaining family comfort and a calm atmosphere. If at the beginning of a relationship mutual understanding arises on its own, then in the process family life all family members support him.
Mutual understanding and friendship are inseparable concepts. The ability to forgive, patience and support are the main parameters friendly relations and mutual understanding.
Reasons for lack of mutual understanding
The problem of mutual understanding can be present in any type of relationship. If mutual understanding disappears, then the relationship falls apart. Finding the reasons for what is happening will help to collect them bit by bit.
Determining the cause of loss of mutual understanding:
- Selfishness and fixation on one's own interests.
- Disregard for your partner's opinion.
- Incorrect understanding of the partner’s words and actions.
- The desire to impose an opinion on a partner, unreasonably entering into disputes.
- Inability to find a compromise, be flexible and avoid conflicts.
- Inability to listen and hear.
- There is a big difference in the level of education/upbringing/intellectual development, when finding a “common language” becomes more difficult over the years.
An attentive attitude towards your partner will help to establish mutual understanding. N wait quick results– fixation on the problem of mutual understanding in relationships can aggravate the current situation.
For an easy path to agreement, there are several tips on how to achieve mutual understanding:
- Talk about everything more often. Share your thoughts, tell the news, discuss books and films. Talk more openly.
- Find things to do in common. If you live together, do household chores, if you are colleagues, have lunch together, if you are friends, go shopping, relax in a bar.
- Pay attention. Friendly looks, smiles, light touches will have a positive impact.
- Keep the good times in your mind spending time together, remember why this person attracts you so much.
- Forget and don't hold grudges, forgive and don’t think about the bad things in your partner
- Focus on your partner's wishes. Give small gifts: treat them to ice cream, go to a movie.
- Come up with traditions. You can go out with your family on Sundays for a picnic, with friends you can exchange books once a month, with colleagues you can have a “tea ceremony.” Any habits or traditions, if followed for a long time, bring us closer together.
- Give in to each other. Let your partner make a choice, trusting - the relationship will become more soulful. Start by taking small steps, for example, “give in” in disputes, because the ability to give in is the basis of mutual understanding.
- Don’t shy away from your partner’s problems and requests for help.. Support in Hard time business, advice, do not remain indifferent.
- In case of a disagreement do not allow yourself rude remarks addressed to a partner either in personal communication or when discussing “behind one’s back.” Be tactful and correct.
- At strong quarrels Never reveal your partner’s secrets to strangers.
How to restore mutual understanding in the family?
The problem of “fathers and children”, as well as the lack of mutual understanding between spouses, has been developing for a long time. The prerequisite may be a crisis in a relationship or self-obsession.
How to restore mutual understanding with your husband?
To restore mutual understanding between spouses, it is worth keeping yourself in control during quarrels. Follow simple tips and then you will look at your soul mate from the good side.
- Start talking to your husband again. Share your experiences, opinions about the book you read, desires or memories. Conversations help you “discover” an interesting person and fall in love again.
- To have more topics for discussion - start watching some movies, read books, support a hobby, find common things to do outside of everyday life. Let it be new tradition weekend, or a new joint hobby (sports, drawing, design).
- Don't impose your “plan of action”, give your husband more freedom in actions and decision-making.
- Don't nag for misdeeds and do not reproach for wrong decisions. The main task is to make comfortable conditions to change the situation for the better. Example: don’t whine about not having enough money - help find lucrative job offers or help climb the career ladder; don’t scold that you often meet with friends - find interesting activity for him in the family circle and become his best friend.
- Share your experiences and listen to your husband’s experiences. Don't remain indifferent, support. Do not conceal grievances, gently reporting the mistake, without reproaches or quarrels.
- Diversify your sex life . This kind of release with new passion will bring a lot of positive emotions into boring everyday life.
How to restore mutual understanding with children?
The problem of loss of mutual understanding in the family is between parent and child. You can gain family understanding by finding a “common language” with your child and becoming like-minded comrades.
The search for mutual understanding with a teenage child is necessary for his psychological development, education of correct values and ethics of social behavior.
There are tips that will help achieve mutual understanding with children of any age:
- Love and accept your child as he is. Talk more often, let your child know that you care about him. With good and bad grades, after a misdemeanor and a wrong decision, fuel your love with care, understanding and tenderness. Hugging more often – it brings you closer together.
- Don't lie and keep promises. The child must be confident in the firmness of your words and intentions.
- Listen. If a child shares his impressions and talks to you, this is important for him. In response, you need mom or dad to speak out and show interest. Express your opinion, express your experiences. Conduct an active dialogue about the child’s affairs and feelings, about what surrounds, worries or pleases.
- Give the right to do what you like. Don't stop goals and aspirations in your child's life.
- Don't run to help where he can handle it himself, allow him to make mistakes.
- Openness in relationships, trust. Accept that parents are wrong. They must admit mistakes to the child and take responsibility for lies. Don’t hide the details of your life from your child: let him know how and with whom you work, who you are friends with, how you relax, what you dream about, what you regret. Tell us about what surrounded you at his age.
- Collaborative conflict resolution. Don’t walk away from quarrels, don’t hide your grudges, and let your child do the same. Conflicts must be resolved: discuss the problem, find a way out together.
- Spend more time together, do not make excuses, citing fatigue. Show interest in hobbies. With a small child you need to take more walks and go to interesting places.
Game for children preschool age– a way of understanding the environment: objects, animals, people. Through games, children learn creativity, absorb and reinforce behavioral foundations, develop attention, and learn to compete.
How to maintain mutual understanding?
Mutual understanding accompanies the beginning love relationship. During this period, young people can talk for hours and share their experiences.
Mutual understanding between a guy and a girl at first does not require effort to maintain. But preparing to live with a person long years in a trusting relationship, it takes effort not to lose this feeling.
For a happy family life:
- Keep getting to know each other. Accept the good and the bad in your partner with love, just like when you met. If your partner's new habits do not please you, do not try to change him, be patient.
- Keep surprising each other, give gifts, surprises. Over the years, many people forget to please their loved ones. Pleasant trifles life together defuse the domestic situation.
- Don't let yourself and your partner get fed up intimate life . Mutual understanding in sex is an important component of a happy relationship.
Maintain good and open relationships with friends and familiar social circles.
In order not to lose mutual understanding with friends, you need to:
- "don't forget" them. Don’t put off meeting for a long time, going to movies and restaurants together, or going to sporting events.
- Don't refuse help. Let it be support with words, the need to listen or spend a little more time.
People spend a huge part of their time in a work environment, surrounded by colleagues and superiors. Establishing mutual understanding in a team is necessary to maintain a comfortable environment and improve performance.
Mutual understanding between employees can be established and maintained.
Follow these tips:
- Avoid conflicts, quarrels, gossip. Don’t let them get involved in intrigues, “divisions” of the team and squabbles. Establish yourself as an adequate, calm, peaceful person.
- Don't refuse to help your colleagues, but don’t let them push you and abuse your support.
- Treat everyone equally friendly, learn to win people over.
Mutual understanding makes people more honest, relationships are kinder, and life is calmer. To be able to conquer and maintain it is the work necessary to achieve happiness and well-being, psychological and emotional comfort.
