To the question “What is love: briefly and clearly?” Most people expect to hear that love is a disease, a poison, an inexplicable attachment that passes over time. But from the height of 29 years of love, I want to say that I categorically disagree with this.
True love is, first of all, selfless service to your loved one and daily care. True love does not pass away, but grows over time, like a snowball that two lovers roll in front of them through their lives.
Over time you begin to understand that you you love your loved one, not because he has Blue eyes or because he drives a cool car, but because he tenderly takes care of you and your children. AND “tenderly cares” just sounds so cute, but in fact this is a lot of difficult work.
And this is not just my opinion, based on my experience. In ancient times, people had a different understanding of what love is. Namely: by love they understood selfless service, and not the romance of relationships. That's why they missed many stages of love characteristic of our egoistic society- stages of grinding in, quarrels, self-affirmation . They immediately moved from the romantic stage to the service stage, and then, to the stage of true love.
To make my point clearer, let's consider what What is love from a psychological point of view? modern world . Let's consider 7 stages that every love goes through. Read this short article to the end and you will learn something new about love.
The 1st stage of love is falling in love.
Everyone knows the 1st stage for sure- this is the so-called "candy-bouquet period." During this period, you do not notice any shortcomings in your lover. He seems perfect to you.
Stage 2 of love - addiction.
Some time passes and you are no longer so worried and do not admire your loved one so much. You begin to perceive it more adequately.
3rd stage of love - grinding in.
I will not be discovering America if I say that during the grinding process, most lovers begin their first quarrels. You yourself have probably gone through this stage. Here, I think, everything depends on the size of the ego of each of the lovers.
As you know, there are no people without shortcomings. It is at this stage that many begin to see only the shortcomings of their partner. There were shortcomings before, but simply at the stage of falling in love, thanks to the physiological and hormonal state, the lovers did not notice them.
It is at this stage that lovers most often break up. without ever knowing that the most interesting and most important stages of their love await them ahead. AND whole life ahead!
The 4th stage of love is the stage of patience.
Thanks to the patience stage (which can last several years for some), enduring to the end All inconveniences and even pain, lovers receive a reward - they move on to the next stage. The stage of service, when you understand that there is something more important than proving that you are right and defending your opinion.
The 5th stage of love is service.
At this stage, you get pleasure from selfless service, selfless care for your loved one. True love is not the desire to RECEIVE something from a partner, but the desire to serve each other.
The 6th stage of love is friendship.
The stage of service moves into the stage of friendship, when they have undergone all the adjustments, they feel good and comfortable together, they speak the same language, understand each other perfectly. You will be surprised to know what the next stage of friendship goes into.
Stage 7 - REAL love.
This is a real reward for those who have overcome all previous stages. You become one. It's as if you are connected by an invisible rubber band. Many studies show that people who have lived in love for many years even have synchronized heart rate, blood pressure, etc.
Such love is especially bright manifests itself in trouble when you are ready to give everything, even your life to save your loved one.
I assure you, this is not just my opinion based on my experience. Many famous philosophers and writers talk about this. Here are just a few quotes:
In ancient times, people did not spend so much time on the stage of quarrels, grinding, patience, because they understood love differently. Namely: as selflessness, as selfless service to each other, as friendship. That's what it is real love
. This is precisely what Cicero said above.
And if someone asks you what love is from a scientific point of view (philosophical) and what love is from a psychological point of view, you can safely answer that it is, first of all, tender friendship, the joy of daily service and caring for each other.
See you again on the blog pages. I wish you all love and joy!
Check out this awesome video. This simple secret needs to be passed on to children. Life is not like a journey, but like a dance! Fragment of a lecture by British philosopher Alan Watts “Why life is not like a journey”
Love is a set of emotions, actions and beliefs united by a strong feeling of affection, security, warmth and respect for another person.
Additionally, the concept of love can be applied to animals, abstract phenomena, or religious beliefs. For example, a person might say that he loves his cat, freedom, or God.
The best thing you can hold on to in life is each other.
Audrey Hepburn
Love has always been a popular topic of discussion, raised by philosophers, poets, writers and scientists for countless generations, and many have concluded different formula love, having your own view on its definition, conditions of occurrence and forms of manifestation.
While most researchers agree that love involves strong feeling attachment, there is much disagreement about its exact meaning, reflected in the different attitudes of different people towards it.
Characteristics of love:
- Higher priority for the well-being and happiness of the love object compared to one's own needs.
- Strong feeling of affection.
- Feelings of attraction and respect.
- Desire to provide help and care.
- A combination of the above characteristics.
There have been many debates about whether love is a free choice, or whether it is capable of enslaving despite the presence of will, whether it is permanent or fleeting, whether love between family members and spouses is biologically programmed or imposed by society.
The concept of love can vary depending on the individual as well as the culture in question. The result of every dispute about love is closer to the truth in relation to some time or place.
For example, in some cases love can be a choice, while in others it can be an uncontrollable feeling.
Love, passion (infatuation), romantic love
Especially on early stages relationship, it can be difficult to discern the difference between love and passion (infatuation).
Combined with an overwhelming desire to be close to another person, both feelings are driven by physical attraction and the intoxicating effects of hormones, but only one of them is characterized by longevity - love.
Love is something that begins between two people and develops over a long period of time, experiencing many life ups and downs along the way. Therefore, love requires time, fidelity, mutual trust and acceptance of a person as he is.
Passion associated with sexual experiences that initially attract people to each other and are fueled by the desire to reproduce.
Passion, by blurring your consciousness with the influence of hormones and the idealization of the personality of its object, dulls the ability to see a person in his true light, and therefore it is not always able to become a direct path to a long-term relationship.
Ideal scenario strong relationships suggests a balanced combination of love and passion.
Love, i.e. passionate infatuation with another person, combined with a feeling of attachment, form romantic love, which is important early stage long-term relationships.
Rekindling the original spark of passion is a practice that happy couples must be followed.
Love and passion. Differences
To determine for yourself the difference between love and passion, answer yourself 5 questions.
1. Does your relationship make you a better person?
Only love can make you feel like you are capable of anything, and for an extended period of time.
Passion carries within itself an opposite, destructive force. It stops you through restrictions on your freedom and implicit prohibitions on self-realization.
Passion worsens the quality of life of both partners, but love gives freedom, motivates, and makes lovers better.
2. Where is your “I”?
Is your Ego at the core of your relationship, or is your loved one at its center?
Do you prefer to give or receive?
Do you keep track of how much you did for your partner and how much he did for you?
If you are ready to do everything possible for your girlfriend or boyfriend, without providing for your own benefit: starting with sending love messages, and ending with sacrificing your beliefs and principles, then, most likely, this is love.
When you're in love, the other person's happiness is more important to you than your own well-being.
Passion is self-centered, but love is completely selfless.
3. What attracts you to your partner?
Passion for another person works mainly on a physical level, causing you to admire the appearance, body, voice, walk or object of attraction.
Love, first of all, is aimed at the partner’s personality, his inner world, way of thinking, life values and other internal qualities.
Physical attractiveness is, of course, also important, but to a much lesser extent.
Thus, passion is based on external attraction, love - on internal personal values.
4. Are you being yourself in a relationship?
If each of you can answer “Yes,” you are definitely meant for each other.
If you are able to be yourself, telling your loved one about the most personal things, doing what you like, and not trying to control your behavior, you can be sure that this is love.
Honesty, complete trust, understanding, intimacy, mutual sympathy and romantic feelings create a stable platform for a long-term union.
When you don't need to wear a mask to cover your true face; when you are not afraid of being misunderstood, rejected, ridiculed, judged for who you are; when you always try to understand your partner's actions without judging - all these are the building blocks of true love, not passion.
Passion dictates the rules, but love frees you from inner servitude, it does not judge, it comes to you for who you are.
5. Are you ready to develop together?
Love cannot stumble or break. She is able to withstand all types of life obstacles that arise on a joint path, finding a way out of any current circumstances.
If you feel that you can be with this person forever, regardless of whether you receive the same amount of care and warmth as you give, that is love.
Passion is temporary and fleeting, so sooner or later a relationship based on it will end.
Passion flares up and goes out, ceasing to exist. Love is stable, deep and constant.
Love is timeless.
Love and mental health
While there is no single truth when it comes to defining love, most people agree that love plays a vital role in both physical and mental well-being.
Benefits of love:
- The lack of love and care that children may experience almost always has an impact to varying degrees. Negative influence for their future lives.
- The feeling of lack of love has a strong relationship with low love, and can cause a state of depression.
- People who live loving lives tend to be happier.
- Love and a sense of emotional unity can have a direct impact on health, helping to improve immunity.
Love and physiology
From an evolutionary perspective, love can be seen as a survival tool—a mechanism we evolved to promote long-term relationships, mutual protection, and parental support.
When you realize that someone is attractive to you, love, among other things, begins to manifest itself in the form of a biological process.
Your body is reinforcing what your mind already knows - this person is making you feel amazing.
When we feel close to another person, our brain signals our body to release hormones such as serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine and norepinephrine.
These chemicals cause us to become overwhelmed with loving thoughts and experience the physical sensations we associate with love.
More about “love hormones”:
1. Serotonin.
This hormone improves your mood. Those who take certain illegal drugs cause a huge increase in serotonin levels. Instead, they could simply find someone who would love them - and there would be more benefits and more health.
2. Oxytocin.
Is the biological basis for love. This hormone is produced during sex, filling you with a feeling of affection for your lover.
3. Vasopressin.
Along with oxytocin, it is responsible for the feeling of closeness to someone.
4. Dopamine.
Bears responsibility for desire and reward, i.e. you feel great pleasure when you are rewarded with love, whether it is expressed through kindness, touch, a date night, or a feeling of happiness.
5. Norepinephrine.
It is produced when you fall in love and feel the excitement of wanting everything to work out and develop well. Such physical sensations are manifested by a rapid heartbeat or clammy palms.
This “charm” stage brings a lot of romantic emotions, laughter, flirting and playfulness, and all the negative traits of the partners are ignored. Much attention focuses on the similarities you both share.
People at this stage seem to “fly” when they are together, and cannot wait to be close to each other if they are separated. Butterflies fly in the stomach, and trembling hearts seem to freeze.
At such moments, most people are sure that they have found their soulmate, but the underlying reason for all these uncontrollable emotions is physiology.
“Love hormones” make you feel euphoric, induce a cheerful mood filled with happiness, and increase your overall energy level. It seems that you are a different person, your sexuality is at its peak, you feel like you can handle anything, you are simply fearless.
In this state, you are able to get married before moving on to the next stage of love, ignoring the underlying flaws in your partner.
Sure, the romantic feeling in question seems wonderful while it lasts, but it can't last forever, even if you really want it to.
By combining with feelings of intimacy and affection, infatuation transforms into romantic love.
2. Saturation (addiction)
After several months life together, when the “chemistry of love” ceases its active phase of influence, couples return to their usual selves with their usual mood and level of attraction.
Things return to normal and instead of focusing on each other, the couple becomes more active professionally and in other daily activities.
Young people who are unaware of this stage of love may think that the feelings have passed. Sometimes they may get upset due to lack of attention from their lover.
Minor disagreements and even quarrels are a normal part of this stage. It's worth recognizing that healthy confrontation is natural because it helps both of you understand the situation better.
As you learn to resolve problems and conflicts that arise, your relationship will become more mature.
At this stage of love, you may wonder why your intimate life has become a little insipid, or why sometimes you notice your partner’s irritation.
You begin to evaluate your other half more objectively, and the conclusions that come to mind can cause delight or apathy.
What you need to do is move on. The best is yet to come, even if you feel like the relationship has faded.
3. Disgust (quarrels)
You may have a lot of expectations from your loved one. You can even try to bring your partner closer to your ideal image.
This stage of love resembles a power struggle, and sometimes relationships end if one party dominates the other too much.
Instead of focusing on the similarities, as you so cleverly did when you were in love, you now focus on your partner's differences and shortcomings.
Some couples are at this stage. Others, experiencing pain and dissatisfaction in relationships, come to the conclusion that true love is associated with compromises, and instead of withering away in the conflicts that arise, one can find a way out with the help of understanding, warmth and kindness.
4. Humility (understanding)
Reaching this stage of love means that you now understand your partner much better.
At this stage, couples are in a joyful state, but do not stop making efforts to work on their relationship.
Now both partners accept each other for who they really are, but they should not rest on their laurels. Avoid misunderstandings and continue to get to know each other better.
The stages of love can often bring turmoil into relationships, but if you are aware of their existence, moving from one stage to another will not be such a difficult task for you.
To move to the next stage, accept each other's strengths and weaknesses. You need to focus on the positive, not focus on the negative, and learn about the goals and interests of each of you.
5. Study
Once a couple goes through the aforementioned stages of love, all unrealistic expectations tend to disappear.
Each party begins to open up more and more to each other, and there is a clearer understanding of how they can work together effectively in the relationship.
Couples begin to define and clarify their roles in the relationship, as well as their compatibility with each other.
There is a need to resolve some issues, such as how much time a guy and a girl like to spend together and how long to stay alone, how each party is used to expressing and receiving love, etc.
Once couples can effectively communicate their needs to each other, they will be able to avoid many unpleasant things, such as aggressive behavior, avoidance, criticism or defensiveness.
Focus instead on understanding, compassion, forgiveness and patience.
6. Proximity
This is the stage when they experience true intimacy. They support each other even better by giving and receiving love in return.
Ups and downs are an integral part of any relationship. However, the trust and loyalty of both partners will be able to carry them through these troubles without significant obstacles.
At this stage of love, each of you will stop focusing on your own personality and shift your attention to what is best for the relationship.
Now you feel unity, individuality, and love for each other. At the same time, the spirit of unity still prevails, further strengthening your relationship.
At this stage, you feel like an ideal couple. Many lovers may even decide to tie their fate family ties, since they've come this far.
7. Doubts
Usually this stage occurs after many years of marriage. You can start thinking about your ex-lovers and past relationships, or start comparing your current partner with previous ones.
At this stage, much depends on the level of satisfaction with the existing relationship. If you feel dissatisfied and hurt, you tend to blame your partner for it.
You may even start comparing your relationship to other couples in your circle.
But you shouldn’t add fuel to the fire, because you are able to get through this not the most fun stage.
8. Sexuality
At this stage of love, your intimate life plays a key role. Changes in sexual preferences are possible when one of you becomes less interested in realizing wild fantasies, or, conversely, wants to do something incredible.
If there is a significant difference in your passions, one of the partners may have an affair.
The key to solving the main problem at this stage is to find creative ways to make your sex life more varied and exciting, thereby strengthening your relationship.
9. Love
This is the highest stage of a relationship when both partners completely love and trust each other. However, sometimes the complete trust you have developed can cause you to take each other for granted, so be careful.
At this stage of love, you know each other very well, you know what to expect from each other, and you also clearly understand the direction of the relationship.
Even though there is complete bliss and understanding at this stage, do not stop appreciating and respecting your partner because love should be constantly cultivated and developed.
Remember that love is like a plant that needs nourishment to keep it alive.
34 interesting facts about love
1. Monogamy
And although humans would like to think that we are completely different from the rest of the animal kingdom, we are not the only creatures whose relationships are characterized by monogamy.
Wolves, gibbons, albatrosses and even termites are known to choose a mate for life.
2. Time required to evaluate attractiveness
First impressions are very important, especially when you consider that it only takes 4 minutes to decide whether you like someone or not.
It's not just how he looks and what he says that influences, but also his body language and the tone and speed of his voice.
3. Synchronization
If two lovers look into each other's eyes for a long time, their heartbeats will synchronize in about 3 minutes.
4. Addiction
Falling in love is similar to the effects of drugs because it uses similar parts of the brain and causes similar chemical reactions.
So, away with the use of illegal substances, instead, love and be loved.
5. Reduce headaches
Oxytocin, the love hormone produced by the body during hugs, helps reduce headaches and improve sleep.
The next time you have a headache, just hold your loved one close to you.
6. Levels of attractiveness
People often fall in love and begin relationships with others who have a similar level of attractiveness.
If someone in a relationship is physically more attractive, then most likely he compensates for the existing disadvantages due to the presence of other important socio-cultural qualities.
7. Too identical
Couples in which people are too similar tend to break up quickly.
Researchers have found that similarities help form the foundation of a relationship, but if partners have nothing to learn from each other, they more likely will disperse.
So opposites attract.
8. Time limit
Scientists believe that the peak of infatuation or romantic love occurs around one year after the start of a relationship.
We remind you that it is falling in love that makes you experience euphoria and butterflies in your stomach.
After falling in love passes, the relationship ends or moves on to more high level, transforming into true love.
9. Associations
Research shows that a loving mindset has a positive impact on creativity, abstract thought, and long-term planning.
Thinking about a fleeting intimate relationship affects immediate decision-making and attention to the current moment.
10. Face or body?
People looking for a short-term fling are more concerned about their partner's attractive body than the beauty of his face.
In contrast, those wishing to enter into a long-term relationship prioritize the attractiveness of the face over the body.
11. Hold hands
The next time you find yourself stressed, try holding your loved one's hand, because romantic handshakes can help reduce stress and feelings of physical pain.
12. Gratitude
Expressing gratitude to your loved ones results in an immediate spike in happiness levels.
13. Butterflies in the stomach
The butterflies in your stomach that you feel when you fall in love are a result of your body producing the hormone adrenaline.
14. Pupils of the eyes
When you look at your loved one, even if it is just a photograph, the pupils of your eyes will dilate.
It should be added that people with dilated pupils are perceived as more attractive.
Therefore, it is not surprising that when you are in a relationship, you seem more attractive to the opposite sex.
15. Finding love
Long-term research has led to the conclusion that the happiness and life of most people almost always revolve around love or the search for love.
So even if you don't find your other half, just searching will lead to a happy life.
16. Lucky number seven
On average, people fall in love seven times before they finally decide to start a family. The seventh attempt, as a rule, becomes the reason for marriage.
17. Male gaze
During his life, on average, a man spends whole year, looking at women.
18. Self-esteem
People with higher self-esteem tend to have longer-lasting and more successful relationships.
If you are not capable, why expect this high feeling from other people?
19. Emotions during separation
Statistically, men are more susceptible to negative emotional impact due to a breakup than women.
20. Long life
It is believed that husbands who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer. And this is another five years extra to see your loved ones every morning.
21. Dislike
Some people are unable to experience love due to a condition called hypopituitarism, due to a decrease or complete cessation of hormone production by the pituitary gland.
22. Symmetry
Facial symmetry is the basis of beauty and attractiveness, or so the human brain thinks.
Those with symmetrical facial features make love more often and can boast of a large number of fans.
23. Rose-colored glasses
Being in love suppresses the parts of the human brain responsible for perceiving social judgment.
Nobody wants to think about falling in love with a terrible person.
24. Love quest
Romantic situations associated with obstacles arising in the path of lovers are important factors crushes that influence how hard you fall in love.
The longer the romantic path and the more intricacies, the brighter and stronger the feelings of love and longing appear.
25. Dark side love
According to statistics, more than 50% of murders of women are committed by their lovers or husbands.
26. Treason
Almost 60% married men claimed to have been unfaithful to their wives. Married women responded with a figure of 40%.
This information was compiled from a survey, so dishonesty on the part of either group cannot be ruled out.
27. Crisis of four years
Most marriages around the world experience a relationship crisis after four years of marriage.
The next important stage that the spouses have to overcome awaits them after the next four years, i.e. upon the eighth anniversary.
28. Forever young
Usually men marry women for the first time who are the same age as them or within 3 years younger.
When remarried, the age difference is usually approximately 5 years.
For the third time, a man most likely pays attention to women who are 8 or more years younger than him.
29. Biology
The desire to love, like the desire to eat food, is a biological stimulus with which we are born.
So even men are more lovers than warriors.
30. Dangerous Lover
You are more likely to fall in love with someone (especially women) if you are in a dangerous situation.
31. Beer belly
Women are less attracted to men who have decided to reward themselves with a beer belly.
The presence of an excessively protruding male belly indicates lower testosterone levels, which means a reduced ability to reproduce.
32. Sense of humor
A sense of humor is most often associated with honesty and intelligence.
This is why most women are attracted to men who can show off humor.
33. Competition
Male attractiveness increases if a man is surrounded by other women.
34. Voice
Men with a lower voice timbre women's eyes seem more worthy of attention.
“Love is an unknown thing that comes from unknown where and ends unknown when.” This definition was given by the French writer Madeleine de Scudery.
In her own way, she was right: it is easy for a person who is crazy about someone to mistake his own torment for a mystical obsession.
And yet it’s worth arguing with her...
Is there love or not?
But I don’t know what love is. Why do you even think it happens? It all comes down first to bed, and then to a banal habit.
But everything begins with love! Without her, the world would not exist...
How many such empty discussions we had as first-year students! They made noise and took offense at each other. And all because they talked about different things.
The concept of “love” has many meanings. On the one hand, it is freely used when distributing subjective assessments that do not imply rejection or disgust (I love Vasya Pupkin / Tchaikovsky’s first piano concerto / fish salad). On the other hand, it has been turned into a fetish.
You yourself will instantly remember a couple of films and books in which the attraction of the heroes to each other helps save humanity from the great and terrible Forces of Evil. I have a hard time believing in the reality of love that destroys the Dark Lords. Equating it with a primitive gastronomic addiction is also absurd.
It would be more correct to talk about the special relationship between a man and a woman, which is a complex combination physical conditions, behavior patterns and, of course, feelings. Which ones?
Everyday ideas
Doctor of Biological Sciences Yuri Shcherbatykh conducted a survey in 2002. Medical Academy students had to give definition love. The answers of some survey participants clearly contradicted the versions of others - it turned out that love is strangely intertwined with “selfishness” and “self-sacrifice”, “delight” and “spiritual comfort”, “pleasure” and “the need for another person”, “madness” and “ meaning of life".
Other scientists also tried to find some key points in their ideas about the main thing - for example, E.V. Varaksin and L.D. Demina (see the article “On the problem of psychological research into the meaning of love: methodology, hypotheses, methods, results” (“Izvestia of the Altai State University”, 2007).
They worked with two age groups- with high school students and students of several faculties. The children were asked to speculate on the topic “Why do a man and a woman love each other?” Content analysis of the responses made it possible to identify five main functions of love from the point of view of young people:
- “to find a loved one and not be lonely”;
- give and receive “care, understanding, tenderness, support, trust”;
- experience a “feeling of happiness”;
- “start a family and have children.”
Oh, yes - there was a fifth option, very much in the spirit of the above-mentioned Madeleine de Scudery - “we love in order to love.”
- “happy” (focused on mutual support and respect, serving as the foundation for a friendly family);
- “like everyone else” (relationships that people enter into only out of fear of being alone);
- “for the sake of sex” (a relationship that allows you to have power over your partner; often gives a chance to increase social status and receive material benefits).
I did not find an article that discussed the understanding of special feelings by people over the age of thirty. I think the point is that by the beginning of the fourth decade the question “What is love?” often ceases to arouse keen interest.
Unless, of course, it is asked to a psychologist for whom the topic interpersonal relationships- the main hobby.
Psychology of love and attachment
The methodology of classical science did not allow us to study phenomena of this kind. Scientists said:
- about positive reactions that initially arise in the form of a child’s reaction to the touch of a caring mother (D.B. Watson);
- about sexual desire (libido) as the primary source of all attachments (S. Freud);
- about the selective search for a suitable marriage partner for procreation (S. Samygin).
However, from about the middle of the 20th century, the humanistic approach became “in trend”. Freedom, responsibility, and creativity have become acceptable topics for dissertations and monographs.
The founding father of humanistic psychology, Abraham Maslow, declared that love is vital in nature - that is, it is vital.
Even neo-Freudians stopped placing the notorious libido at the forefront: in particular, Karen Horney refused to recognize the sexual etiology of the need for love.
Here is an example of the definition of love from a modern source (“Psychology of Interpersonal Communication”, Belarusian-Russian University, Mogilev, 2014):
Love is a type of interpersonal relationship that is expressed in a highly emotional and positive attitude towards a partner, distinguishing him from others and placing him at the center of life’s interests.
Dry, ungraceful from the point of view of Romeo and Juliet, but generally true.
What does love consist of and what does it look like?
Psychologists, following R. Stenberg, usually call it three component:
- emotional - intimacy;
- motivational - passion;
- mental - devotion.
Intimacy presupposes a feeling of warmth and participation, a commonality of interests, and a willingness to trust. Passion is understood as an ardent desire for unity (physical and not only), and devotion is a conscious decision to maintain feelings for a person.
The formula for love that Count Cagliostro was looking for in the film of the same name does not exist. For some, the kinship of souls comes first, for others, relationships are based on jointly practicing poses from the Kama Sutra.
Scientists can only describe the most common combinations of “ingredients.”
J. A. Lee. highlights the following love styles (we bet you’ll start looking for yours now?):
- storge - strong love-friendship based on trust and mutual understanding;
- agape - selfless patient adoration, strong spiritual passion;
- eros - a stable feeling with a pronounced sexual beginning; a lover is attracted by the physical beauty of his chosen one or chosen one;
- mania - unstable, contradictory and violent love-jealousy;
- pragma is a calm and largely rational attachment, dictated partly by sympathy, partly by sober calculation;
- ludus is a superficial hedonistic game, almost devoid of intimacy; a person just wants to please himself.
Let me add for the sake of order that love is often divided into platonic and sensual: they say, there are high souls who serve a beautiful lady, and there are mere mortals who are ruled by animal instinct.
I don’t know, I don’t know... The poets who showed the world examples of platonic service were, in fact, also people of flesh and blood. Let's say that Francesco Petrarch unselfishly adored his married beloved Laura all his life, but did not deny himself earthly pleasures - he cohabited with commoners and started affairs with free noble ladies.
Biochemistry of tender feelings
It’s not for nothing that love is compared to a disease. You catch His or Her gaze - and at least call an ambulance: your head is spinning, your palms are sweating, your cheeks are red, your heart is pounding... The lover forgets to eat and is tormented by insomnia.
Who's talking about what, but I'm all about science.
There was one Arthur Aron, a student at the University of California. One day, a young man fell head over heels in love with his classmate Helen and experienced all the symptoms of passion for himself. As a future psychologist, Aron decided to find out what caused these peculiar sensations. There was enough material for the work to last for years. Subsequently, the young scientist involved other specialists in the research - doctors, biologists.
Together they observed what changes occur in a person’s brain when looking at a photo of a loved one and “scrolling” in memory of romantic moments. The reaction was typical: the ventral region and the caudate nucleus were activated. Both zones are parts of the “reward system.” They “turn on” when expecting some kind of pleasure - a favorite dish, a pleasant gift.
Hormonal storm
Love is close to euphoria at first thanks to dopamine. Its excess causes loss of appetite and poor sleep.
Dopamine gives a feeling of high - which, however, from time to time is replaced by deep blues. A lover is capable of suddenly bursting into tears over sheer nonsense. Why? Another important pleasure hormone, serotonin, appears to be in short supply.
He contributes his two cents and epinephrine.
Epinephrine is usually produced in response to stress. Its function is to prepare the body for an extreme situation. It helps muscles receive more oxygen and increases heart rate. It is he who should say “thank you” for his palms sweating at the most delicate moment.
These hormones rage for a limited time - up to 2-3 years. Then the passions subside. Wait, how can that be? If a guy and a girl have been dating for more than two years, does their love expire?
Calm after the storm
The relationship simply moves to another level. They help support them. oxytocin And vasopressin.
Oxytocin equalizes blood pressure, calms breathing, and slows heart rate. Its release occurs during handshakes, during hugs - even friendly ones. The hormone signals: “Relax! This man is one of our own!”
Vasopressin is in many ways similar to oxytocin. It is very likely that it works somewhat differently in women and men.
Experiments show that this hormone provides a tendency towards monogamy. In 2004, American scientists Yang and Lim conducted a two-stage experiment with voles. Female mice tried to form stable bonds with males at the first stage - after the administration of oxytocin. At the same time, males did not strive to maintain a connection with one female. However, after the administration of vasopressin, they immediately began to behave as if they had sworn an oath of love until the grave.
How and why to love a person?
The question “Why love?” It sounds cynical - you can’t experience a great feeling based on a preliminary calculation! It is forbidden. But there is little good in blind love.
Women consider the following traits of men to be the most important:
- intelligence (35%);
- devotion to family (17%);
- ability to earn (14%);
- fidelity (11%);
- good character (6%);
- the ability not to lose tender feelings (6%);
- ability to do everything around the house (3%).
External attractiveness means almost nothing - only 0.2% of women surveyed believed that it was significant. There is no need for men to develop a complex due to the lack of defined muscles. I would wait with other conclusions.
Did you notice that women answered much less unanimously? Yes, we are like that. Try to please us.
Ideal relationship
IN Soviet time There was a popular song with the words: “If I invented you, become what I want.” It’s probably impossible to think of a worse attitude towards love.
Attempts to change your partner will certainly lead to quarrels. What happens next depends on his upbringing and character. Your close person either he will leave or stop being sincere with you.
We must respect each other’s decisions even if they seem stupid (note: without fanaticism; otherwise there is a risk of hitting your partner).
Love is an active interest in the life and development of what we love. Where there is no active interest, there is no love.
The quote above is from the book Erich Fromm "The Art of Love". Fromm understands high feelings not so much as a source of heavenly pleasures, but as hard work. For a composer to be able to write a masterpiece opera, he will have to study the language of music, and then pore over the music paper for more than one month. It’s the same in relationships.
Relationships are harmonious when partners consciously learn to meet each other's needs.
G. Chapman talks curiously about love languages - albeit in a slightly narrower sense.
Chapman is a practitioner who has been providing marriage and family counseling for over twenty years.
He notes that it is useful for couples to speak more often in the following “languages”:
- physical touching - even after ten years of marriage, it is very appropriate to hug, kiss, walk by the hand;
- acts of service - deliberately performing actions that are pleasant for a loved one (watching football with him, helping her with cooking, etc.);
- quality time - the ability of lovers at some moments to completely focus on communicating with a partner, not just mechanically respond to remarks, but think about them;
- approval of each other’s actions and deeds - the ability to support, praise;
- receiving gifts - meaning symbolic gifts, signs of attention (a gladiolus from grandma’s garden in this sense is not much inferior to a diamond necklace from a jewelry boutique).
Chapman's theory is not very coherent, but in practice it works.
So, you have read almost two thousand words, learned (or remembered) scientific facts. Maybe this data has helped you understand yourself better.
But don’t rush to present them when you need to briefly and clearly explain to a girl or guy what love is. Speak in a gentle voice any romantic nonsense that comes to mind. For “a type of interpersonal relationship that is expressed in a high degree of emotionally positive attitude towards a partner,” you can get a slap from Cupid’s victim. 🙂
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38 972 0 Hello! In this article we will address the question of what love is. What is its essence? What kind of love is there? We will talk about all this briefly and clearly in this article.
Love is a subject of debate among scientists from the fields of philosophy, psychology, physiology and other sciences. This is a question that has not lost relevance over the years for experienced married couples.
If you conduct a survey of the population regarding this phenomenon, then, most likely, the majority of answers will be from the category: "Love is when..." That is, when talking about her, we always turn to the heart, describing the different sensations that we experience when we love. How else? After all, no matter what they say, love is a feeling, and certainly no one will argue with that.
Love in different sciences
In short, love is a feeling of deep sympathy for another person or object. There is always an interest in who (what) you love, a desire to take care of him, to give him something and devote his time.
Biological interpretation
Each science has its own approach to the study of love. Chemists and biologists claim that it is based on ordinary processes occurring in the human body. In particular, anthropologists have found that during the period of passionate love, dopamine is produced, which allows one to experience pleasure and gives a feeling of satisfaction. In addition, being in this state reduces the feeling of fear and suppresses negative emotions due to the impact on the corresponding areas of the brain.
There is also a theory that we are attracted to each other by smell, which we are not consciously aware of.
The evolutionary concept indicates that love is a survival tool because it helps maintain long-term relationships, unite and support each other, and resist threats.
Psychology
In psychology, there are several definitions of love and concepts regarding its nature.
Love, from the point of view of this science, is highest degree an emotionally positive attitude towards the object, placing it at the center of one’s own interests and needs. It is also a strong, persistent feeling caused by sexual needs. A loving person strives to take a key role in the life of the object of affection in order to arouse his interest and reciprocal sympathy.
According to the psychologist R. Sternberg, love includes three components:
- passion(sexual attraction);
- intimacy(closeness, emotional support, help, trust);
- obligations(loyalty to each other).
In classical psychoanalysis Z. Freud love reflects exclusively sexual attraction, which is a powerful stimulus for human development.
E. Fromm distinguishes two types of love: fruitful And unfruitful.
- The first is expressed in the manifestation of interest, care, and involves inspiration, pleasure, knowledge of each other and self-development. This is mature love based on mutual respect.
- The second - unfruitful love - is associated with the presence of strict control over another person, the desire to completely possess him. This is immature selfish love. It does not lead to mutual development, but, on the contrary, destroys it. Such relationships are usually filled with various negative feelings.
According to A.V. Petrovsky, love is based on intimate attraction and is characterized by external manifestations of this feeling in relation to another person, the desire to evoke reciprocal love for oneself. It must contain openness and trust. There is no place for lies in it.
E. Hatfield highlights passionate love(sexual desire and emotional outbursts) and compassionate(based on common interests and values, friendship, pleasant joint communication and mutual support). The ideal development of relationships is the transition of passionate love into compassionate love.
Love, infatuation, passion, affection: what are the differences?
Of course, all these concepts are intertwined and it is not always possible to set clear boundaries between them. But there are still significant differences.
Love and passion
Passion involves a sudden onset of sexual attraction to a member of the opposite sex. It proceeds violently, is filled with strong emotions and requires immediate release. Passion is often the starting point love relationship, but can also accompany them long time, flaring up in certain situations.
Passion is possible without love; it arises only between sexual partners with the aim of satisfying sexual desire.
Love is a broader and more multifaceted phenomenon. It can be felt towards a husband (wife), a child, a parent, a friend, a pet, a country, and humanity as a whole. Therefore, love without passion is also quite common.
Love and infatuation
Falling in love is almost always the beginning of creation romantic relationships. It involves the rapid emergence of feelings and sexual desire. Very often falling in love is based on external attractiveness. Unlike passion, it may not be as intense and all-consuming and is usually longer lasting and more sublime. This is what first love is usually like, which often ends at the stage of falling in love.
Falling in love is more superficial and less conscious than love. There may still be no community of interests, mutual support and respect. Ideally, as the relationship develops, falling in love should smoothly turn into love.
The significant difference between these phenomena is that when we fall in love, we idealize the image of the object of our sympathy, unconsciously strengthen the aspects of his personality that we desire, and do not notice his shortcomings. We love in it what “hooked” us and what we came up with ourselves. Over time, this image changes, and if we are disappointed and do not find other values in a person, then the relationship ends. If we find new interesting sides in each other, get closer spiritually, then comes new stage in their development there is love.
Unlike falling in love, love does not imply idealization of each other and self-deception. By loving, we accept another person as he is, with all his strengths and weaknesses.
Love and affection
Love and affection are quite often in a close union, and the longer the relationship lasts, the stronger this union. But they should not be confused, since it often happens that there seems to be no love between a man and a woman, but the attachment is strong.
A loving person always feels freer than someone who is simply attached to someone. Attachment is distinguished by such features as: dependence on another person, fear of losing him, the habit of being close to him, which is expressed something like this: “I absolutely cannot imagine life without him.”
Attachment is a more passive phenomenon than love. People may not show their feelings in any way, they are simply ready to be there and tolerate each other. Love presupposes active relationships: spiritual and physical intimacy, care and mutual support, joint leisure, personal development each other.
In attachment, personal boundaries are often erased; a person seems to dissolve in his partner. And the one who loves never loses his “I” and inner freedom. Loving people respect each other's personal space and interests.
How to distinguish love from affection? What is love and dependence.
It is the union of love and affection that always has a positive effect on relationships, giving both a feeling of security, reliability and calm. The main thing is that everyone experiences true happiness when being around each other.
Types of love
Since ancient times, love has been divided into several types depending on how and in relation to whom it is manifested.
| "Eros" | passionate love, which involves following sexual instincts, intense feelings, dedication and complete dissolution in the object of love. It usually lasts for a short period, after which it either goes away or flows into another type of love. |
| "Filia" | love based on friendship, in which the spiritual component of the relationship, common interests and values, and respect for each other are given first place. It can occur between family members and friends. |
| "Storge" | love, which presupposes a kind, gentle attitude towards another person, mutual understanding and support. It develops over a long time and connects relatives (husband and wife, sisters and brothers, parents and children). |
| "Agape" | selfless love, expressed in self-sacrifice for the sake of a loved one. In the Christian religion, this is the love of God for man. |
| "Ludus" | sexual desire, which involves flirting and pleasure. |
| "Pragma" | love that is controlled by the mind. Usually it is associated with certain selfish interests and benefits. |
| "Mania" | love associated with obsession, jealousy, the desire to completely possess the object of affection and control it in everything. |
| "Philautia" | self-love based on the principle: To love others, you need to like yourself and be able to take care of yourself. |
Who do we love?
- Love for a romantic partner (boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife) suggests falling in love and passion as components of sexual satisfaction. Over time, they cease to dominate and give way (but they themselves do not completely go away) to other qualities of love: respect, mutual support, devotion, empathy. romantic love has important biological significance, creating and maintaining favorable conditions for procreation.
What is love for a man? First of all, this is a guarantor of a stable relationship, the opportunity to take care of a fragile and sweet chosen one, to be a knight next to her, to admire her and the fear of losing her. Also, love for men is expressed in a comfortable and cozy atmosphere in the family, regular and interesting sex and respect for personal space.
- Self love is expressed in self-understanding, self-acceptance, adequate self-esteem and satisfaction with one’s own personality. Self-love acts as the basis for other types of love, because if we are constantly dissatisfied with ourselves and experience internal discomfort, then we cannot fully give sincere love those around you and attract people to you. Therefore one of the most universal advice to create and improve various kinds of relationships - to establish, first of all, contact with yourself and begin to respect yourself.
- Love for children based on mutual affection, caring, tenderness towards the child, the ability to sacrifice one’s interests for the sake of his health and development. The stronger the contribution to upbringing, the more trusting and warmer the parent-child relationship, the more harmoniously the child’s personality develops.
Mother's and father's love are different. Mother and child are connected biologically and socially (as they were one before birth). Father and child have only a social connection. In this sense, the mother has greater experience in knowing and understanding the baby. It is usually more difficult for a father to grasp his needs; he tends to use his mind (but this tendency is by no means characteristic of everyone).
- Love for parents is based on attachment, which was formed in infancy, and on gratitude for care and upbringing.
- Love for people, which in action is called altruism. This is selfless help to everyone around, self-sacrifice for the sake of others. A person experiencing such love is always ready to do charity.
Stages of love
This feeling is always in development and from the moment it arises it goes through a number of stages.
| Stages of love | Stage name | Description |
| 1 | Love | Most often, this is the most romantic time in a couple's life. Hugs, kisses, gifts, compliments, rapid breathing and heartbeat are signs that are most pronounced during this period. Strong passion for each other prevails. This stage can last from several months to two years. |
| 2 | Saturation, habit | Relationships become calmer, passion is no longer so strong. Lovers get used to each other ideal images gradually dissipate, a real awareness of each other's traits occurs. |
| 3 | Alienation, conflicts | This stage is a real test for a couple! Each other's shortcomings can begin to irritate them. There is a showdown and quarrel. Grow mutual demands, tolerance towards each other decreases. Either the lovers separate (the saddest thing is that this stage usually finds the couple in marriage), or they find new values and common interests in each other, and the relationship begins to develop in a different way. |
| 4 | Patience, reconciliation | The couple learns to accept each other with all their strengths and weaknesses, forgive and respect everyone’s personal space. An important conclusion and skill of this stage is not to try to remake each other, but to create conditions for mutual development and improvement of relationships. |
| 5 | Selflessness, selflessness | We feel a desire to give more than to receive; we do not demand a response to our actions in the same way as before. I want to give pleasure to each other free of charge. |
| 6 | Friendship | The spouses have already learned a lot: to sacrifice their own interests for the sake of the family, to respect and support each other, to overcome conflicts, to create a comfortable life together. The children have grown up, and the couple can again devote more time to each other. |
| 7 | True love | There comes a stage when spouses achieve spiritual intimacy. Relationships are stable and harmonious. Mutual understanding, acceptance and calmness are above all; demands and discontent have no place here. Even years later, such a couple answers the questions: "Do you love each other?" And "Are you happy together?"- will answer affirmatively “Yes!” |
Signs that a person is in love
How do you understand that this strong feeling has come? Usually a person changes both physically and psychologically.
- He begins to pay more attention to his appearance, because he wants to look more attractive in order to provoke a response from the object of his love.
- He smiles and tries to maintain eye contact with the one he is in love with.
- When meeting a loved one, you may experience anxiety, which is sometimes difficult to hide (redness of the skin, trembling in the limbs, etc.)
- When communicating, he tries to shorten the distance and wants to touch.
- The desire to constantly be near the beloved: looking for a meeting, writing, calling. He tries to remind himself in any way.
- Behavior can change dramatically. A person can suddenly change habits, become interested in new activities, etc.
- He strives to take care of the one he loves: he sacrifices his own interests and time, he wants to do something nice.
- Ready to constantly talk about who he loves among friends and girlfriends.
- He is interested in everything that his love object lives (facts from the biography, hobbies, preferences, etc.)
- She sincerely shares her thoughts, emotions, and talks about herself.
Love is always interesting in all its aspects and manifestations. But no matter how much we talk about it, we can understand what it is only when we ourselves experience this feeling. Love and take care of your relationship if your inner voice tells you that “here it is - true love has come!”
Is it possible to love two?! Polygamy. Monogamy.
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