If you look at the statistics of divorces in our country, it becomes clear that most people perceive the candy-bouquet period as romantic dates, gifts and new experiences, like true love and a guarantee of family happiness until the end of days. But walks under the moon are replaced by ordinary everyday life, everyday troubles and financial problems arise, passion subsides over time. At this moment, real feelings come, the desire to take care of a loved one, protect him and share all the difficulties. So how can you distinguish sympathy and infatuation from sincere love?
Does love exist
The question of whether true love exists excites the minds of people regardless of gender and age. Of course, most of them will give an affirmative answer, because this high feeling can not only be felt, but also seen in the eyes of lovers.
Scientists and psychologists say that if it is real, it happens only at first sight. To feel the kinship of souls, a person needs only half a minute. It is during these 30 seconds that we are able to assess the external characteristics, temperamental characteristics and mentality of our future lover. Someone will want to argue with this opinion, arguing that they felt love only after a few months or years of dating. This can also be explained - at the time of the meeting, you simply could not have been ready for further developments of events or were too busy with the other person. Later, our brain will fully process the information and give a signal about the emergence of love.
Both a man and a woman, before feeling true love, first feel sexual attraction, attraction at the hormonal level. Lovers become more emotional and want to be close to the object of passion.
Then the next stage begins - a time of stability and attachment on an emotional level, which is caused by the release of certain hormones. According to scientists, this phase lasts only 4 years, after which many families break up.
Couples who are together long years, do not have a hormonal connection, their relationship is based on certain universal human values, to some extent, this can be called friendship, reinforced by intimacy. 
Signs of true love
How to test love
Women ask this question both at the very beginning of the development of a romance, and already in marriage, when it seems that feelings have cooled slightly and gray everyday life has erased the former sharpness of sensations. If your man suddenly stops giving flowers and gifts or stays at work a little longer than usual, this does not mean a lack of love; the reasons may be quite real - heavy workload or financial troubles. In any case, you shouldn’t guess with chamomile, but rather find out how the stronger sex in love actually behaves.
- For real loving man will never bring physical or heartache to his chosen one. She will not need to prove her devotion and fidelity and earn the respect of her partner; this evidence is already stored in his heart.
- A loving person is ready for any difficulties, everyday and financial troubles. It's ready to be created strong family and the birth of children. A man who values his soul mate will do everything to make her feel happy and protected from life’s adversities.
- Proof of true love can be a man’s desire to constantly be near his lady’s heart, to spend all his time free time with her and by any means to achieve reciprocity.
- A man always wants to help and support, you can always rely on him. He forgives some whims, shortcomings and shares the opinion of his beloved even if it is not always true.
- A guy who has sincere feelings is ready to do a lot for the sake of his beloved - to refuse communication with certain people and bad habits, earn more money, completely change your lifestyle.
- If you want to test the authenticity of a fan's feelings, deny him sex or break off the relationship altogether. A loving person will not let go of the one who is dear to him and will continue to look for meetings and seek favor.
- Maybe, The best way Finding out how a guy treats you is a disease. IN difficult situation he will definitely ask about your well-being and offer help.
"Love" is very interesting word. We say it quite often. "I like chocolate". "I don't like oatmeal." "I love Sasha". "I Love Mom". "I do not like rain". But if you ask us what “to love” or “love” means, we are unlikely to be able to give a quick and clear answer. And of course, different people will give very different answers. Perhaps you have never thought about this topic. “What is there to think? Don’t I really know what love is?”
On the one hand, you are right. Love is common to all of us, love is the natural state of man. On the other hand, the average modern person has gone so far from his natural state that there is little love left in him. But the word “love” has been preserved in the language. So they call it any attachment.
However, this is not only a problem modern man. Misconceptions have always existed. Remember the story of Romeo and Juliet? This story was written in ancient times, but even then the author called the relationship between the characters love. But was there really love in the relationship between Romeo and Juliet?
Alas, art has the ability to convincingly pass off lies as truth. Trusting the beauty of art, we unwittingly trust the thoughts of the author. And the author does not have to be a sage and a know-it-all. For us to remember him centuries later, he must be a brilliant artist, nothing more. How many artists of all times and peoples mislead us, poeticizing their delusions of youth!
The geniuses of ancient times are echoed by modern “pop” of all genres, which will be forgotten faster than dirty puddles dry up in sunny weather. But we trust this foam too. How can you not believe it if everyone sings the same thing?
Let's dispel this romantic fog and talk about love soberly and seriously.
What is love
Love belongs to the sphere of the intangible, to the spiritual area of our life. But the spiritual is only partially cognizable by us. No one can say that they know everything about love. But, nevertheless, many properties of love are known, some patterns of its strengthening and disappearance. And knowledge of these individual qualities of love is of great value for that person who wants to love and be loved.
What love is not
Let us begin by considering those qualities or definitions that are unfairly attributed to love.
"Love is just by-effect sexual desire."
This misconception does not even deserve detailed consideration. Its fallacy is obvious from the fact that there is love between parents and children, love between friends, and people with an undeveloped or extinct sexual sphere are also capable of love. Love can be directed towards objects with which sexual interaction is impossible. We sympathize with those who think this way.
"Love is a feeling."
Certain feelings are just one of the qualities of love. It is more correct to say that love is a state.
When a person is in a state of love, he is completely in this state, and his whole life changes. He's getting more love to all people. New talents awaken in him or previously discovered ones flourish. He has more vitality.
If there are only feelings, but not all these changes, this is not love.
"Love is passion." "Love is torture." "Love is pain". "Love is a disease."
This is the most common mistake, so let's look at it in more detail.
The root of this mistake is in our childhood. Unfortunately, almost all of us are unloved children. Very few can boast that they parental family was perfect. That mom and dad were each other's first and last. That they were always together and truly loved each other and us children, giving us the necessary fullness of their time and their love.
And if we have received at least a little less, then, without realizing it, we try to compensate for this in a love relationship. That is, to compensate with the love of other people for us the love not received from our parents. If in love a person strives more to give, think and care about the happiness of his loved one, then in passion a person engages in vampirism. In passion, we intensely control how they treat us, whether they give everything to us, whether they let someone else into their hearts. Passion is characterized by jealousy, imaginary sacrifice (or salvation), when we are ready to do a lot for a person, but in exchange we demand his soul, completely depriving him of freedom. Passion is selfishness, and selfishness is the opposite of love.
And who likes being deprived of freedom, being jealous, demanding, drawing all the juice?
Therefore, relationships of passion are always painful. Where there is passion, there is torment, pain, and illness.
The saddest thing is that all the love hopes of a passionate person are doomed from the very beginning. You cannot compensate with the help of other people parental love. Everything falls through like a leaky vessel. We need to fix the hole first...
Great dislike in childhood leads to strong passion, which psychologists call addiction. The expression of this passion can be not only love addiction, but also drug, alcohol, gaming, etc. These are diseases. And, unfortunately, very common. There are many more dependent people than people who truly love. Therefore, the voice of addicts is louder. Their lies about love are more widespread than the truth of those who know how to love.
Romeo and Juliet also suffered from love addiction. This can be judged by their gloomy ending. Love does not torture and does not kill. Love is a creative state. A lover is happy simply because there is a loved one, that he is alive and well, that there is love. And dependence requires possession. Addiction is painful and often leads a person to thoughts of suicide. However, Shakespeare’s work also says enough about the parents’ dislike of these unfortunate young people. Therefore, the whole picture of the disease is clear - from the origins to the end.
"Everyone can love."
Rain falls on everyone from time to time, but the water is retained only in the whole vessel. It quickly flows out of the leaky one. Therefore, only spiritually holistic, adult people are capable of love. To gain the ability to love, you need to grow up, conquer your addictions and passions.
"There is love at first sight."
There is love at first sight. But the path from infatuation to love is long and difficult. According to psychologists, true love comes on average 15 years after the beginning. family life.
“Sex does not interfere with love, but rather even helps.”
People are constantly looking for excuses for their weaknesses. “The fact that I often eat sweets has nothing to do with the fact that I have an extra 15 kg of weight. I’m just unlucky with my figure.” “The fact that I allowed intimate relationships with men has nothing to do with the fact that I still cannot create a normal family. I’m just unlucky in my personal life.”
In fact, it is connected. The fact that for several thousand years of human history women who lost their virginity were not married was not some taboo taken out of thin air. People knew for sure that family life with such a woman would be different in quality from life with the one they married as a virgin. With her you won’t get that kind of love, you won’t get that kind of family.
There are psychological explanations for this phenomenon. They say that a woman will remember previous men. They say that, having shown weakness before marriage, she can show it in marriage, that is, change.
But there is also something on a spiritual level. Sexual intercourse between a man and a woman is not a purely physiological process. It somehow affects spiritual structures, forming invisible connections between people.
Many women remember that their first man was very important in their lives. If it was a relationship of love, and virginity was lost, then the separation was very difficult for them. If there was no sexual communication, the breakup was much easier to cope with. Means, intimacy formed an invisible but strong connection between them.
It’s great if this strong connection is with the person you want to spend your whole life with - your husband. And if not? With the second man the connection is already weaker, with the third - even weaker. What kind of connection do you have with your husband? 3rd or 10th?
If Bulgakov’s words about sturgeon are true, that they are only of the first grade and no one else, then about love relationships - even more so. And our ancestors agreed only to the first grade. And we, imagining ourselves as gourmets and fine connoisseurs of the various benefits and conveniences that civilization gives us, at the most important thing, often eat simply garbage.
Of course, all of the above also applies to men. After all, at the other end of the invisible thread emanating from a woman is a man. Therefore, a man has no less responsibility for maintaining his purity than a woman.
What happens? Husband with past connections intimate relationships involved with several women. These women are still connected to someone else. The wife is also involved with several men. And they are not the last in the chain. It turns out that we don’t have families, but some kind of perverted super-Swedish families. In them we are invisibly united with people, some of whom we might not even shake hands with...
There are no scientific explanations for this phenomenon. But the fact remains a fact, and everyone can see confirmation of it in their lives: with each new intimate relationship we waste something in our soul, and it becomes more and more difficult for us to love. Each new love (accompanied by sex outside of marriage) is of a lower grade compared to the first love. At the same time, passions may increase, but passion will not replace love for us...
The path to love is not through sex, but through friendship. Psychologists say that the reason that people are in a hurry to get closer physiologically is their inability to get closer spiritually. People, especially young people, have not learned to communicate and talk. They know how to get close only in the most primitive way. But, alas, sex without communication, without friendship is not much different from masturbation...
I understand that most people reading this article are no longer virgins. Cheer up! Fortunately, spiritual injuries can be cured—by spiritual means. Although, like physical treatment, such treatment requires time and labor. The integrity of the soul can be restored, invisible connections can be broken.
The path to healing is repentance. It is necessary to stop repeating old mistakes and repent. The amount of labor is proportional to the number of crimes committed against one’s soul. I don’t know if complete healing is possible without such sacraments Orthodox Church like confession and communion. With them it’s definitely possible.
What love really is
“The lover strives to give, not to receive.”
If a passionate, dependent person has nothing but a hole in his spiritual body, and therefore is a consumer, then the lover has within himself a source of warmth and light. And the one who has a source of light within himself cannot help but shine.
The sacrifice of a loving person, in contrast to the false, selfish sacrifice of an addict, is sincere. The lover does not keep track of what he has given and does not bill his beloved. It is important for him that his loved one is happy in the highest sense of the word. His joy is to please his beloved.
“Love does not limit freedom.”
Being independent, self-sufficient (he does not need anything from his loved one), the lover is free himself and does not seek to limit the freedom of his loved one. His sun is with him in any case, therefore, no matter what the beloved does, his “sun” remains with the lover.
Of course, a lover strives to be with his beloved, but not to such an extent as to violate the freedom of his loved one.
“Love is the pinnacle of virtue.”
Love is the highest of human good qualities. Perfect love includes all virtues. If at least one vice remains in a person, his love can no longer be perfect.
This is how the Apostle Paul lists good properties love: “Love is long-suffering, merciful, love does not envy, love does not exalt itself, is not proud, does not act rudely, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (1 Cor. 13:4-8).
Why is love incompatible with evil? Because if there is something evil, that evil will manifest itself in our relationships with those we seek to love. Let's say a husband loves his wife. But he is not free from such a vice as envy. And it will happen that his wife will achieve great success in the professional field. And in some social circles she will be given more respect than her husband. Because of his envy, the husband will be indignant at his wife and will harbor a grudge. His love will suffer because it is imperfect.
What if there are several vices? Love is doomed...
Imagine the person described by the Apostle Paul. He is patient, merciful, not envious, not selfish, not selfish, always calm, does not suspect others of anything bad, does not gloat, hides in silence or kind words mistakes of others, trusts others and relies on them, endures all difficulties. Agree, you can live with such a person. And as a friend, and as a spouse, and as a father or mother. It’s good to be with such a person, his love is reliable. It is impossible to quarrel with him! And it is easy for us to love him - with friendly, marital or filial love.
"Love is a gift from God."
Our understanding of love will be flawed if we limit ourselves to the idea that love is within us, and do not think about where it comes to us from, where it even came from. After all, the data of modern science refutes the possibility of spontaneous generation of a living cell from nothing. They also refute the possibility of the emergence of man through an evolutionary path uncontrolled from outside (the universe does not yet exist for as long as it would take for this to happen, according to probability theory). And even more so, there is no reason to believe that such a miracle as love appeared on its own, as a result of accidents at the micro or macro biological level.
The only theory of the origin of love known to mankind is that love is given to us by God. By His love and infinite creative power we were created by Him. Out of love for us, in order to save us, He sent His Son to us to preach and suffer to heal our sins. Those properties of love that we know, and which we listed above, fully correspond to the properties of God. God loves us selflessly. He doesn't need anything from us except for us to be happy. He doesn't depend on us in any way. He shines for us all, both evil and good, giving us all the blessings of the earth. He is merciful and easily forgives us. He gave us a complete, even terrible, degree of freedom.
And He gives us love for another person. What is love? Perhaps it is looking at another person through God's eyes. God, under the external dirt and tinsel, sees in us an immortal, beautiful soul. He sees not only how badly we live, but also how beautiful we are in individual moments of life and could always be. Mutual love is when God opens two people's eyes to each other. It’s as if he sits us on his lap opposite each other, hugs us and says: “Look, children, this is what you really are!”
It is no coincidence that in mutual love, a person who loves us helps to reveal our talents and good qualities: after all, he sees all the good things that are inherent in us, almost as clearly as God Himself.
And holy people love everyone. This means that, being in God, they see all people through the eyes of God. And that’s why they love us so much that it’s strange even to ourselves how they can love us so much. After all, it would seem that we ourselves know what we are. And for some reason God values the soul of every person more than the entire universe!
“Love is almost always mutual.”
Since love is given by God, who desires our happiness, it is not surprising that true love is almost always reciprocated. In rare cases, not mutual love can be given to a person to solve important creative problems, to comprehend some truths.
In most cases, " unrequited love“We are not dealing with love, but with passions.
Does love depend on us
I highlighted this question because it is the most practical of all questions related to love.
If we accept the truth that love is the pinnacle of virtues, we will have to abandon the myth that love is like good weather, it comes and goes on its own, regardless of our desire. This myth was invented in order to relieve oneself of responsibility for the murder of love. After all, we have the power to recover from vices and acquire virtues. If we don't do this, we kill love. Love cannot withstand our evil. In irritation from our passions, we jump off the lap of God (after all, He gave us complete freedom, He does not hold us by force and from Himself) and stop seeing each other through His eyes. And after close communication, we now see each other’s shortcomings much more clearly!..
What are we focused on in our lives at the moment when we fall in love? On a career, on pleasure, on making money, on creativity, on some kind of success, on fluttering in the networks of some kind of addiction.
This means that we are almost never worthy of the love we receive for free. After all, everything we are preoccupied with does not lead us to virtues, and therefore does not bring us closer to love.
I am deeply amazed when I think about God’s faith in us, His patience and love, which prompts Him to give us a spark of His love again and again. After all, He knows how we will use this love in most cases.
How should we think about this gift of love that “came unexpectedly”? Realizing that love is the most beautiful and valuable thing in our lives, we would immediately have to reconsider the priorities of our activities. When a child is born, much in the parents' lives is pushed aside, giving way to caring for him. It's the same with love. When falling in love comes, it's time to realize that love came when we were completely unprepared for it! Because we have few virtues, which means we don’t know how to love. It's like parents not having enough food for a child. Of course, we will put first place work on ourselves, caring for love. Otherwise this child will die of hunger. Otherwise this love will die.
This is what we should do if we understand anything in this life.
But what do we really do? In most cases, for us, falling in love is just an opportunity to get another pleasure, the pleasure of sex with a person who is especially pleasant to us. Instead of cultivating virtues, the result is an increase in the vice of fornication. This is the same as taking a newborn child by the legs and hitting his head on a stone. What concern is there for his food, what are you talking about!..
How God believes in us, how He endures this and still gives us sparks of love!
Or maybe he doesn’t give it to many, knowing what they will do? Maybe that’s why many people say that there is no love, or that they only know passion, that the sparks of love have never reached them?
Even if you belong to these last ones, all is not lost for you. Let us begin to learn to love now, conquering our vices, and God will give us His spark. And if we intensify our work when love comes, we will preserve it and over time we will learn the depth of true love.
How to work on yourself?
You need to overcome bad habits and do good deeds. Good deeds - only truly good ones - are necessary to bring us closer to love. Because a person usually does good things out of love. And if we, not yet having love in ourselves, already try to do good, love gradually increases in us.
But what if you are already married and are afraid of losing the love you have?
If you are afraid of losing, then you will find the courage to work. Family life is in itself a school of love. She constantly, several times a day, confronts us with the question: “Who will I submit to, my love or my vices?” This question arises when my wife asks (or does not ask) to take out the trash can while we are lying on the sofa. This question arises when the husband came home from work late. This question always arises when our selfishness tries to take over our love. Always tell yourself: “I choose love.” As one admitted in his essay a famous person, after many trials of family life, he made it a rule never to allow himself to say, even mentally about his wife: “I don’t love.” This is a wonderful recipe. It just means that a person always chooses love between passions and love. He made this a rule for himself because he knows that he wants to keep this love for life. This requires effort and patience. But love rewards all efforts with interest!
Overcoming love addiction
I will answer the question of how to overcome the tendency to love addiction using a figurative example.
Let's imagine two countries - Russia and Belarus. There are oil deposits in Russia, but not in Belarus. Therefore, Belarus is dependent on oil supplies from Russia. This is an unpleasant situation for Belarus, which leads to conflicts between the two countries.
How can Belarus get out of this dependence?
No matter what values Belarus offers Russia for oil, dependence will still remain. And if, instead of Russia, Belarus buys oil from another country, it will again be dependent. Therefore, there is only one way out of dependence - to look for and discover oil deposits on your territory and start extracting it. If Belarus produces a lot of oil, then Belarus will not only cease to be dependent on oil-producing countries, but will itself become a country on which others will depend.
The same is true for people. To stop depending on the warmth and love of people, you need to start generating this warmth, this love in yourself and sharing it with people.
Another example comes from astronomy. There are stars - hot celestial bodies that emit light. And there are black holes - super-dense cosmic bodies, which, due to their monstrous gravity, do not release anything from themselves, not even light, they only attract and absorb. In this example, the dependent person is like a black hole, and the stars are kind, generous people.
This means that a person ceases to be dependent if he begins to shine on other people and warm them with his warmth.
What is oil in the first example and light in the second? The “resource” that all people need so much is love. This is the most scarce and expensive resource in our time. No matter what anyone says about the value of money, fame, power, pleasures, without love all these things are not pleasing. And the one who has love is happy, even if he has nothing else.
Therefore, when we, overcoming our addiction, learn to shine for people, we need to carefully watch that our love is truly unselfish love. And not mercenary trading - I do or give you something material, and in return I expect gratitude or love. This is what dependent women do in marriage, and then they are surprised: “How is it possible, I gave everything to him, lived for him, and he left, ungrateful!” No, you didn't give him everything. You gave him only time and labor. It's wonderful if it's done out of love. And you gave him your time in an unconscious expectation of his love. That is, at the level of love, you were a vampire, tormenting him with expressed and silent expectations. And it is not surprising that he could not be a donor indefinitely (although outwardly he could seem like a lazy person who did not give anything).
Therefore, let us learn real love, real selfless glow. Remember, like Mayakovsky: “Always shine, shine everywhere, until the last days of the bottom, shine and no nails!” This is the slogan of me and the sun!”
The question may arise: where can Belarus get oil if it simply does not exist on Belarusian soil?
This is where love differs from oil. If there is oil, it is there until you use it up. And love appears precisely when you give it. And the more you spend, the more there is in your tanks. By striving for true love, doing genuine good deeds, you will see how your heart is filled with love.
Love doesn't come out of nowhere, just like life doesn't come out of nothing. Love has a Source - like an inexhaustible reservoir of oil, like an endless ocean of light, in which there are more stars than molecules in the ocean.
This Source is so rich and so generous that it gives us love without demanding anything for Itself and only rejoicing because it fills us with love.
The time will come - and if you follow the path of love and want your love to be perfect, you will discover this Source for yourself, then you will see that you have found more than you were looking for...
By overcoming our addiction, we learn to shine ourselves on the unfortunate who need our love. Giving to people is no less pleasant than receiving from them. This is true independence, joy and value in life.
Dmitry Gennadievich, I read your article, it was very informative and super cool for me! Please give me an answer to one question. She says that she loves me very much, but she’s used to being alone and will always love the 3rd 10th, well, don’t waste time on me, you need a family, but I can’t give it to you, how can I understand her? Thank you. with UV. Rapper (Joe Fray)
Dima (Joe Fray), age: 27 / 03/11/2019
Thank you - for the sun-pierced, bright, unclouded View of the World - for the most sincere Prayer - Prayer own existence!!!
olga, age: 49 / 09/09/2018
Thank you) I found the article by accident and was surprised, because my mother said the same words to me. You just confirmed my thoughts and mom's advice, for which I express my gratitude.
Unfortunately, not a virgin, age: 17 / 21.03.2018
Thank you, you wrote what was somewhere deep inside me
Tanyusha, age: 31 / 01/18/2018
Thank you very much, I really liked the article, I agree with everything, it’s interesting what the romantic and intimate side of true love between M. and J. looks like, maybe there’s an article.
Katerina, age: 24 / 02.11.2017
Thank you for the article.
Lyudmila, age: 37 / 12/19/2016
Very often people try to explain things that they simply cannot explain. Just as you cannot hear radio waves with your ear or see infrared radiation with your eyes, so a carnal person does not understand the spiritual. We must think about the spiritual in a spiritual way, and love is the spiritual gift that we receive about God when we come to Him. God in Christ pours into us and with Him we receive everything that He is, including love, because God is love! Without God, we remain evil, no matter how hard we try to change ourselves!
Vladimir, age: 68 / 12/04/2016
Interesting article. One of the most capacious and at the same time broadly answering such a question as “What is love?” Thanks to the author, very cool, a lot of useful information in the article. My only opinion is that you need to give and radiate love correctly, and also serve people. Otherwise, there will be people who, to put it mildly, will begin to abuse your love and vampirize. And the same husband can build a career by receiving energy from his wife. And then leave, finding a fresh source of energy. It is very important to understand what kind of people you surround yourself with. And just like all cosmic bodies, people influence each other. Therefore, you need to consider what influence the people around you have on you. Respect and gratitude from the bottom of your heart are the most important things in communication. And most importantly, remain honest with yourself. Love and gratitude to everyone!!!
Tatyana, age: 35 / 09/23/2016
Sasha, age: 36 / 06.08.2016
Thank you for an excellent article. As one friend said, “The thinner and higher the matter, the more difficult it is to describe it in words.” Lately I have often been thinking about the essence of love, and this article is very consonant with my thoughts. The idea is expressed precisely and clearly, although the topic is complex and subtle. Once again I come to the conclusion that if I want to be involved in the miracle of love, I must work on my soul, on my vices and passions.
Anna, age: 31 / 06/20/2016
This is a good article, but not for the portal of realists, whose strength lies in the truth. Here, as elsewhere, there are philosophical speculations, and without evidence. I am very glad that the author of the article has found a state of love. Here the main emphasis is on the spiritual aspect (of a Christian sense) and the “by contradiction” method about psychological deviations. The main conclusion: love is spiritual work. But this is more like self-sacrifice or compassion, but where the hell is love?
Georgy, age: 28 / 06/17/2016
Thank you very much for your conclusions and reflections. They left a deep mark and response in my soul and I understood how to act further on my life’s path. I found answers to many questions that will help me move on with my life. Once again: Thank you very much!! !
Natalia, age: 38 / 05/21/2016
Reading this and similar articles, the already fading desire to do something appears again, we can say that this is some kind of inexplicable “motivator”, even despite the fact that, in principle, in my subconscious I understood everything that was written, when reading it everything again becomes into place, the fire in the soul lights up again, and God grant us THIS time to keep it longer. “Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me!”
Oleg, age: 18 / 04/14/2016
Thank you Dmitry, much is now obvious, much is clear, both mistakes and behavior), thank you and may God bless you)))))
Alexander, age: 30 / 02/18/2016
“Love does not limit freedom”... I got to this point and was completely exhausted... Excuse me... Well, how can love not limit freedom, huh? That is, live, my love, where you want, with whomever you want, do what you want, eat and drink what you want - and I’m already glad that you are somewhere... This is more like a mental disorder, not for love. If you love a person, you want to be with him, this is obvious! And if they don’t love you back, then they don’t want to live with you - this is also obvious! This is called loneliness - and it’s bad because of it, and not because of some kind of childhood dislike. Why dig so deep? A person lives here and now - if you are loved, you have money, interesting job- what do children’s grievances have to do with it?))) And if you got sick, because of this you became poor, lost your job, lost your money, because of this you got nervous, started yelling at your wife, your wife was offended and left you, etc., etc. p. - then again, childhood has nothing to do with it.
Kurrant, age: 36 / 08/26/2015
Thank you for this article, God himself showed it to me, because now I want to discover this source of love in myself, the one that does not seek its own - and be happy!
Natalya, age: 26 / 01/30/2015
I completely agree with this article, only after 10 years did I begin to understand how much I love my husband, and when he broke his spine and became a wheelchair user, we became even closer, I thank God every day that he remained alive and next to me, little who believes, but I’m happy. We’ve been together for 18 years, he’s been in a wheelchair for 3 years, I thought that over the years it would be more difficult, but strangely enough, on the contrary, it’s easier.
Angelica, age: 38 / 01/16/2015
Thank you, Dmitry!!! There is hope!!!
Ira, age: 34 / 01/11/2015
“But, alas, sex without communication, without friendship is not much different from masturbation...” In my opinion, masturbation is much better... But, unfortunately, if a person was unable to start a family, he cannot remain a virgin forever....
Zhenya Zh, age: 32 / 05/28/2014
That's it, I'm looking for true love! The world is not nice without her. and there is simply NO meaning to life without her.
Avatar, age: 25 / 05/08/2014
Dear Vladimir! Thank you very much for the article. I read it, trying it on for myself, and realized that I was still very far from true love. Keep writing articles like this, they really help young people make up their minds. God's help to you in your work!
Maria, age: 20 / 03/23/2014
Vladimir, God is love, this is the essence. Real love- from God, the ability and desire to love - too, then how can you talk about love, rejecting the One who gives it?
Anna, age: 27 / 02/24/2014
Very good article! The connection between vices/passions and love is simply obvious, but, unfortunately, few people understand it. 7 vices from the point of view of Christianity very well describe the ways of deviating from a life of love and joy. Indeed, the majority says “I love,” meaning “I am attached.” True, I agree with Konstantin, religion was brought here in vain. It doesn't matter at all which God controls it. Maybe there are green men there, or maybe Love is God. The main thing is the essence.
Vladimir, age: 31 / 01/16/2014
thank you for the article, in fact, I had everything written before and only after reading it I realized that I had lost it, but I will definitely return it, thank you.
Alexey, age: 31 / 12/24/2013
Love comes like mother's milk. The more you feed and give, the more milk is produced. As soon as you stop feeding, it disappears completely. Thanks to the site as a whole and, especially, to D. Semenik and A. Kolmanovsky.
Sveta, age: 38 / 08/30/2013
I read and read, it seems like a good article, it postulates the right things, and then bam - and it’s impossible without the church. And I can’t take the article any further.
Konstantin, age: 24 / 04/23/2013
Andrey, age: 42 / 02/24/2013
God bless you, Dmitry!! In essence, you have outlined the dogmatic basis of Love in simple and intelligible language!!! Although I slightly disagree with some details, but in general, your word is gracious and VERY NECESSARY for people who are confused in life, even not always only because they are evil! It’s just that not everyone knows WHAT priorities must be adhered to FIRMLY, until they bleed... In order to grow to real saving Love... Your position is very close to me!! Once again, huge gratitude to you from one tormented soul..)) )
Ilya, age: 52 / 01/20/2013
I'm afraid I won't find it the right words to express my gratitude...Thank you! Thank you! Thank you a thousand times!!! And thank God for pushing me to find and read your article! I read and find answers to many of my questions... This is how I understand love for myself. But for a long time I didn’t understand why she wasn’t in my life.. Now I know: I myself was not capable of such love, I didn’t know how to love.. And I don’t know how. And how much and for a long time do I still need to work on myself so that God will give me the opportunity to feel this happiness... By the way, I have already received one gift from God (although what am I saying, of course not the only one) I have already received: it was while reading From your article, I realized that I have forgiven very important people in my life... Something that I haven’t been able to do for a long time! And.. several holes in the vessel of my soul, with God's help, managed to patch it up :)
Elena, age: 22 / 07.11.2012
I got it. Let's forget about sex and start loving. Just a joke of course. But this is the conclusion that can be drawn by looking through the article. But God gave us sexuality and sexual needs. So, in my opinion, to reduce the Love of a woman and a man to respect and friendship is not entirely correct. What arises in us when we fall in love?
Roman, age: 30 / 07/26/2012
Very good article, I read it. So you write “Love is almost always mutual”; it’s good that you wrote “almost”. I'm in this state now non-reciprocal love. This is when you give everything to your loved one, and you really want to receive some of his warmth. How to love when love is not reciprocal? Just keep giving?
Vladimir, age: 32 / 07/14/2012
That’s right. I think the same, and it’s not that I doubted it, but I haven’t met people with such understanding. Now I am happy because I read your article and my confidence has increased a hundredfold. Thank you! How could I now meet a person who also understands this!
Grana, age: 36 / 04/12/2012
Thanks a lot
Valery, age: 18 / 04/12/2012
(Morgan Scott Peck)
Consequences of premarital sex ( Nancy Vanpelt)
Love is not a feeling ( Morgan Scott Peck)
True love ( Philosopher Ivan Ilyin)
Love makes you create and enjoy every day. She is always welcome, and her disappearance is heartbreaking. She is strong and elusive. You can't force yourself to love, no matter how much you want to. Her appearance is unpredictable and inexplicable. And although so much has been written about it, and so many people have experienced this wonderful feeling, still few of us understand what love is. Maybe that’s why she is so desirable and requires careful treatment, because she still remains a secret behind seven locks.
Signs of true love
If you look at the divorce statistics, it immediately becomes clear that the majority of the fair sex do not even know what love is. Many have the opinion that this is passion and constant courtship on the part of a man. When the period of falling in love passes, and passion begins to fade, and the partner stops constantly complimenting and giving flowers and gifts, disappointment sets in. Romance is replaced by everyday life when two lovers begin to live together.
You have to look after and take care so that the house is always cozy and clean. Money problems arise, since new goals and objectives require investments, especially if you don’t have your own home, and you really want to have a child. A man becomes more demanding and irritable or completely stops paying attention, getting tired at work. It is during this period that passion is replaced by love, which allows you to survive any difficulties. If she wasn’t there, soon living together becomes unbearable, and the couple breaks up.
Only when two people really love each other are they ready for any difficulties, realizing that if they do not fight them together, their feelings will fade away, and everything that connected them will disappear, and they will only be left with emptiness and pain. After all, love is the desire to help, support, and do something nice. There is no place for envy, mistrust or jealousy. She calms and forgives, cares and warms when the whole world is against you. There are no difficulties that loving person won't help you survive. When they love, they do not think about themselves, any words and actions are spoken and performed in such a way as not to offend or harm the loved one.
True love is always mutual, everything else is just an appearance. Falling in love is a fleeting passion. Crazy relationships are attraction and nothing more. A relationship with a person who does not value you is a pity for him or a desire to prove to someone that everything is fine with you too, and you are no worse, but all this has nothing to do with love. It’s not for nothing that it is written “Love others as yourself.” Love is the ability to treat another as yourself, to care, help and feel their pain as if it were your own.
No matter what happens, a woman who loves is always there. She will support you in word and deed, give hope that everything will be fine, sacrifice herself and stand shoulder to shoulder. She is not afraid of any problems if her only one is in a difficult situation. She will find the strength to pull him out of depression or leave him alone if he does not want to fight his problems, forgetting about his love for her.
A representative of the fair sex who knows how to love herself will not allow herself to waste money and look for relationships in which there is no respect and love for each other. She is not going to prove anything to anyone, knowing full well that love is a gift. And if you live for others, then you will never meet your one and only, trying to prove to others how successfully and on time you got married. Therefore, a woman who respects and loves herself has enough mental strength wait for fate to give her a meeting with her beloved man, and not agree to a relationship with the first one who suggested dating.
Those who are unable to love are doomed to live a life of pain, suffering, disappointment and difficulty. Only love for oneself, for those who are dear to us, for the world in which we live, can give a chance to survive any difficulties that life presents. Anyone who respects and loves himself finds the strength to learn from bitter lessons and correct mistakes, realizing that he is not worthy of problems. The one who has given up on himself, agreeing with his own low self-esteem and the fact that he is not worthy of being happy, cannot fight problems, sinking lower and lower. He is deeply convinced that he is worthy of the life he has and he should not count on more. Until such people learn to love themselves, their lives will continue to be filled with troubles and disappointments.
How to recognize love: signs of true love
- Love does not exist without mutual respect. She does not accept neglect, arrogance and pride. You cannot talk about love if one of the partners allows himself to be loved, and the other completely dissolves in him. Real feelings require a person to give more than to receive. He does not ask for anything in return and does not try to please the chosen one in everything. Understanding that disrespect for yourself is disrespect for your partner. After all, everyone wants to see a strong and confident person nearby.
- Those who prefer to constantly insult a woman, point out her shortcomings, criticize and be offended by everything she does are not capable of love. For them, a representative of the fair sex is only an object to satisfy their desires and an opportunity, due to her humiliation, to feel higher and more successful. In such relationships, not only the partner is to blame. The woman herself allowed herself to be treated this way, not putting him in his place in time and not finding the strength within herself to part with him.
- The choice of such men is associated with deep internal problems that were not resolved in time. Representatives of the fair sex may unwittingly repeat the fate of their parents, who were unhappy in their marriage and forgot to instill self-respect in her, focusing only on sorting things out. It becomes normal for her to feel like a victim in a relationship, as long as there is a partner nearby, even if he does not love or respect her. She continues to endure all his unseemly actions in order not to be left alone. But this is not love, but an attempt to avoid difficult work on oneself, which will force you to change and start full life already with another man.
- You can't love someone else more than yourself. You can't be a victim. You are worthy of love and care, first of all from yourself. Only by learning to value yourself, respect for what you do, and work on what you don’t like in your character, can you understand what love really is. By hurting you, a man thereby demonstrates his true feelings. He does not experience love, he enjoys his own superiority and power. When a person loves, he wants his beloved to be on a pedestal, and he can admire her.
- You can recognize a real feeling by a person’s deeds, not by his beautiful words . At the same time, you yourself will not demand worship from him and all the riches of the world at your feet. After all, when you love yourself, you will not demand the impossible from yourself. This means that when you experience real feelings, you will want to give more than you receive, but you will not allow yourself to be used.
- Run away from those who are trying to instill in you a feeling of inferiority and lower your self-esteem to nowhere. A person can never be happy if he gives up self-love. He will forever remain dependent on others, and when their interest or love fades away, the world around him will turn into continuous suffering.
- Love comes in different forms. But she will never require a person to sacrifice his interests. It brings joy, makes you look at the world with gratitude and joy, and not with hatred. Relieves pain and suffering, heals the soul and gives faith. If the feeling you are experiencing does not make you or your partner feel the same way, it is not love.
Trying to understand for yourself what love is gives you a chance to preserve this feeling for many years, if you are already happy in your personal life, or to meet your prince on a white horse, if this has not happened yet. The ability to love is vital when a representative of the fair sex does not want to feel the pain of the fact that love has disappeared from her life. After all, this is not only passion, but also care, affection, attention, empathy and compassion. Love is multifaceted and unpredictable, it does not require actions dictated by crazy passion, but wants a person to become better than he was, showing all his best. best qualities, which he has and which will appear if he does not want love to leave him forever.
Psychologists believe that the main reason for failures in love is the fact that many people mistake another feeling for love, which is not suitable for creating long term relationship. That is why many people are interested in how to recognize love in order to subsequently create a strong family.
The fact is that love can easily be confused with a feeling of strong attachment, with passion, and also with falling in love. Experts say that it is possible to say for sure that the feeling that arose between us is love only after several years have passed after the start of the relationship. The fact is that only after this time the passion subsides, all the advantages and disadvantages of the chosen one become visible, and the grinding process also takes place.
In order to recognize true love, you need to determine why exactly you love your man, and if you cannot name at least five qualities and you put external data first, this is not love. In addition, if there is no mutual respect in your couple, there is no need to say that you love each other. A man who respects his partner does not accept independent decisions for two.
In addition, to recognize true love, you need to determine whether there is self-interest in your relationship. Remember that people who love each other will not try to extract self-interest from the relationship; on the contrary, they will try to make their loved one happy, even despite their own needs. The main thing that distinguishes a loving person is the desire to do good deeds for a loved one.
True love should not have manifestations of jealousy, since a loving person will never deny the independence and freedom of a loved one. A loving person not only does not impose his feelings, but also does not require proof of feelings from his partner. In order to be completely sure that the feeling you experience is true love. It is necessary to remember that a loving person always remembers that the other half, despite spiritual unity, remains an individual with his own interests.
How to determine love by a person's behavior
Remember how your loved one behaves while talking to you. If during the conversation he or she begins to straighten his back, tries to look fit or taller, pulls in his stomach and straightens his shoulders, straightens his hair, and also periodically glances furtively at his reflection - you can be sure that your feelings are mutual.
The fact is that all of the above factors clearly indicate that your chosen one is trying with all his might to impress you. good impression.
In addition, in order to recognize mutual love, you need to observe your lover. If your man is in love with you, regardless of age, in your presence he will constantly sweat, blush, and drop various items, talk very quickly or, conversely, slowly. Strong excitement when communicating with a loved one is an integral part of displaying sincere feelings.
To recognize love, you should analyze your words young man or girls, especially when he or she talks about himself. Light, undisguised boasting and demonstration of one's merits clearly indicate interest in your person. What other details will reveal the person who is in love with you?
Great excitement in your presence
A person can be let down by banal physiology - hormones make the heart beat faster, breathing accelerates. Perspiration may appear on your forehead, and due to dry mouth, your counterpart will constantly swallow and lick his lips.
Due to hormonal storms and nervousness, the brain will work largely on autopilot, hence meaningless gestures and movements - rubbing hands, touching earlobes, twirling hair on a finger, there may even be attempts to sit down and stand up for some reason, turn around and go somewhere. return.
However, this state should not be confused with general confusion, when a person has thoughts spinning in his head about some very important topic, which occupy all his attention. However, in this case, the stress reactions of the body described above will not be added to the confusion.
Assertive self-presentation
If someone is constantly trying to emphasize their best sides, this is one of the signs that the person being observed is breathing unevenly towards you.
However, you should not take this sign into account if you are dealing with an extremely recognizable type of person for whom it is very important to please everyone. It would be better to talk with mutual friends and try to compare how a person behaves in your presence and outside of it.
Smiling and waving?
The following two signs are easy to notice and will help you recognize love. Your jokes always amuse him (her), and he (she) will never miss the opportunity to cross paths with you at a party of mutual friends or call out to you in the corridor of the university. Unless, of course, you have already passed that stage when you silently look at each other big eyes, and wow that cute boy doesn’t think about something like “oh my god!
If I say hello to her now, I’ll look like a complete idiot, because she’ll immediately understand that I’m head over heels!” If you are somewhere within this wonderful teenage game, then being afraid to approach will not mean a lack of sympathy.
It's always clearer from the outside
If tactless friends are already tired of their jokes about your sympathy, this is of course sad, but there is also back side medals. The friends of your counterpart are also not dumb Stirlitz, and they will definitely show his feelings for you somehow - sometimes with a joke, sometimes with a meaningful look, and sometimes with a hint, seemingly intended only for their own people.
How to recognize a man's true love
To do this, you should not attach much importance to the words spoken. The fact is that most men can swear their love with sincerity on their faces, but at the same time not love, and at the same time not say a word, but burn with love for you. That is why the first thing you should pay attention to is not body language. If in your society a man tries to keep his back straight, pull in his stomach, straighten his shoulders, and also tries to smooth out his face, this is a clear sign that he loves you.
In addition, it is recommended to pay attention to the position of the man’s body while communicating with you. In the event that the body, legs and arms are positioned in such a way as to be in a common space with you and at the same time isolate others, and besides, he looks intently into your eyes, then this is more than clear evidence of love. If a man tries to constantly be in your " intimate area", which is located at a distance of about half a meter around your body, this indicates that he is trying to get closer to you.
How to recognize strong love men
Psychologists also recommend paying attention to the emotions that a man experiences while communicating with you. If he is in love, then in your company he will laugh, joke, smile and at the same time will not take his eyes off you. Moreover, if a man has serious intentions, then he will try to provide support, surprise or please you.
It is also recommended to observe the man, since most men in the company of their beloved woman feel somewhat embarrassed, become somewhat absent-minded, often blush, and their speech can be either slow or accelerated. At the same time, one of the most effective ways definition of a man's love is a conversation with friends who often have complete information about your lover's true feelings. Be prepared for the fact that you may hear something that is not what you expected, but even in this case, you will learn the truth, which is much better than vain expectations.
What is love? The feeling that gives absolute happiness? Or an experience that plunges you into emotional chaos? Neither one nor the other. Even mutual love does not give a feeling of harmony and serenity. But it excites and shocks us even after years. Love is a multifaceted feeling, here are its components.
Seeing another person as a mystery
Love is a mysterious feeling. We feel it, but we don't understand it. The force that pulls a person towards is inexplicable. We strive for him not because we like the way he looks, he is rich or endowed with power, not because he looks like one of our parents or other significant person. If your union can be explained logically - “she replaced his mother” or “they are together because of money”, there can be no talk of true love. In her case, it is always the mystery that guides us.
“Love appeals to our unconscious: to some childhood experience, loss or longing for what we could not have. It affects that part of the personality that is unknown to us,” explains psychoanalyst Patrick Lamboulay. This is why it is a mistake to think that in a relationship two “halves” must merge and give birth to something whole. – It is in this idea that the reason why many married couples break up lies. When a person in a relationship feels understated, he may decide: this is not his soul mate. But this, of course, is not the case." To truly love means to always remain intrigued by the mystery of another person.”
Afraid of losing
And all the time. And not only another person, but also yourself, dissolving in him. In The Discontents of Culture, Sigmund Freud explains this phenomenon: “We become dependent on another because we constantly need him to support us in our existence.” Hence the fear of loss.
“Love means taking risks,” explains philosopher and psychoanalyst Monica Schneider. “This feeling is so dizzying that sometimes we are even drawn to reject it in order to protect ourselves from the frightening power of another person over us.”
Freud emphasized that Eros and Thanatos are inseparable: I love you - I destroy you. Eros is our desire to connect with each other. Thanatos is the death drive that pushes us to break this connection so that our “I” remains omnipotent.
If we manage to overcome all doubts and fears and surrender to love, we find ourselves in wonderful new territory
“It’s hard to give up on yourself,” explains psychoanalyst Jean-Jacques Moskowitz. – Love always brings torment. It affects our very being - what we are in this world. Only a few realize this. When they find themselves alone, they enjoy it because they feel protected. But if we manage to overcome all doubts and fears and surrender to love, we find ourselves in a new wonderful territory where feelings are revealed with renewed vigor.”
True love is not a good business deal. A whirlpool of feelings is dangerous for both partners. That's why we often doubt something else. But even if he tries to pull away, this does not always mean that he does not love. Perhaps he is simply afraid of losing himself.
Be ready to take a step into the unknown
In love, nothing is predetermined. No one can guarantee that feelings will be permanent, and that life together will be long and happy. " Love relationship– a special world in which everything is not ruled by reason, explains Monika Schneider. “But you shouldn’t set yourself up for the worst.”
Sometimes, due to past experiences of failed relationships, we convince ourselves in advance that we are doomed to suffer. To truly love, you must be able to believe in miracles again, accept the unknown and learn to be patient.”
Feel the desire
Here, at first glance, everything is simple: to love a person means to desire him. Research confirms that physical intimacy helps maintain relationships and does not allow the fire of love to go out. Without an exchange of affection, lovers turn into roommates. You can have sex without love, but when there is love, intimacy gives true pleasure.
If desire wanes, does that mean the relationship is over? Not at all! Our feelings are influenced by many factors, they are cyclical and constantly experience periods of ups and downs. You may not want intimacy right now because you are simply tired, have eaten too much or too little, are stressed, or, conversely, are pleasantly excited about some grandiose changes. “There are days when it’s enough for us to just have our loved one nearby,” explains Monica Schneider.
Feel alive
“To be loved is to feel that you have the right to exist,” said philosopher and writer Jean-Paul Sartre. True love– finding the meaning of one’s existence in the world.
Love brings us back to childhood, when it gives us the feeling that everything in the world revolves around us. By choosing each other, we make each other special. In a relationship, we give the other person special significance. We recognize his importance: we respect his views and passions, we accept his ideals.
Another person brings us his world, and we give him ours. This allows you to experience new feelings and open new horizons. “Love helps you see all the colors of life,” sums up Monica Schneider. “True love makes you feel alive.”
