Hello, dear readers! Every couple sooner or later faces. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere. Many women tend to blame themselves and become depressed. A complete misunderstanding of where the problem came from and why on earth the spouse’s attitude has changed gives rise to bewilderment and not always appropriate actions.
The husband has become irritable and angry: what could be the reasons for this behavior, what to do so as not to ruin everything, and today a psychologist will give you answers to many other questions. You will not only have an understanding, but also an action plan that will definitely help you understand the problem and improve relationships.
What not to do
Oh, this selfishness! Many people, especially often among women, completely forget about their partner at such moments. They begin to worry not so much about the reasons for their spouse’s behavior, but about its consequences.
There was such a case in my practice. A crying girl came to the reception and said that she had once again had a fight with her lover. Lately he had been rude to her, and she didn’t understand what was going on at all.
She talked for a long time about what he didn’t like and none of the problems, in my opinion, were that significant: then he accused her of not wanting to go to the store right now, then he scolded her for accidentally throwing out a phrase, later she parked the wrong way car.
It should be noted that the girl herself did not try to find a true answer to why this was happening, she was very worried about the fact that her voice was generally raised at her, and other manifestations of aggression. She asked me to help her fix the man.
The young man called her again during our session, and I asked her to pick up the phone. The bulk of the “swearing” was occupied by him trying to explain what and how she needed to do in a specific situation, and she spent a long time telling her that talking in a raised voice was indecent. People did not understand each other at all and tried to solve different problems in the conflict.
As it turned out later, this girl’s man became aggressive after his father was hospitalized, but the couple did not talk about this topic. He continued to pour out his dissatisfaction on her, and she told...
The egoism of partners becomes a big problem for relationships. There are troubles in everyone's life that are difficult to deal with on your own. A person begins to fight like a wounded lion and the only thing he can do is take out his aggression on others. Of course, in this case, your own emotions and the fight for rights will not lead to anything good.
There is a clash of interests. One shouts about his own, but does not talk about what really worries him, and the second is only concerned that the partner has become something different.
What to do in this situation
If your husband has become indifferent or aggressive, then asking questions head-on may not always help. You will have to resort to tricks. Be sensitive in this matter and try to understand what really worries him. Are his claims adequate or is he just looking for a reason to quarrel? In couples, people often quarrel over topics that don't bother them that much. They cover up their true problems under them.
The man is worried because his father is in the hospital. There is nothing he can do to help him and he just needs to get over the situation. He cannot talk about this with the girl and thereby ease his soul, as a result, he simply dumps accumulated emotions on her.
Of course, this situation is also relevant for other cases. For example, during pregnancy, a husband may worry that he will have to be responsible for another person, he is afraid that he will not cope with the new role or that his wife will not be able to devote enough time to him, and now he will have to share attention with the baby.
The young man is embarrassed to voice his concerns. He assumes what reaction awaits him and does not want to face it. Naturally, he will not talk about his fears, but will manifest himself differently - in the form of aggression or.
Of course, this does not apply to all males. Shock therapy helps some, when the girl directly says: “Let's be honest? The problem is not me, you are afraid that...” The man experiences stress and worries a lot, but after this he calms down and stops being aggressive. However, in this case, without due delicacy, you risk running into a strong scandal and irreparable consequences.
I hope to understand which method will work with it. In some cases, it will be much easier and better to step back and remain calm. Try to avoid conflicts or, if they arise, do not indulge them with your comments. Leave young man alone with my thoughts and attempts to figure things out on my own.
Be persistent if you want to find out the true reasons for his behavior, but do not be intrusive. If he doesn’t want to talk about what really worries him, ask the same questions again, but a little later.
I can recommend you an excellent book “Secrets of successful families. Sight family psychologist» Artem Tolokonin, it contains a lot of information on how to become happier in your marriage and find harmony in your relationships.
Good afternoon
I decided not to create new topic, since there is such a thing. I hope someone wise can read it.I am just such a husband. I have bouts of uncontrollable rage. Today, just like this happened, I had a quarrel with my wife. I’m afraid of losing her and the child, so I’m writing to you here. Also tomorrow I will go to get tested for hormones and check the thyroid gland (my mother has such a problem, although her thyroid gland disappeared after giving birth, but it may be hereditary).
The city in which I live is very small and I’m not sure that there will be competent psychologists here. I’ll describe everything in detail, maybe it will help, and at the same time I’ll talk it out.
I. I am 28 years old. I was born in a small town, then we moved to Moscow when I was 12 years old, after the death of my father. Because My father is a Muscovite, so my grandmother and my brother were waiting for me and my mother at MSC, he is 13 years older than me. I made friends in Moscow, I consider this city my home and I love it very much. I finished school and then went to college. I didn’t like the institute, transferred to another one, then quit and joined the army. I was not accepted into the army due to health reasons. I returned back to the institute for the correspondence course and went to work. I worked in different areas, but HR was the closest. I worked as a personnel manager in a recruitment agency and for a direct employer. The year before last I found a good company for myself: good management, excellent team. It was a lot of work, but everything was manageable.
Partially, I consider myself not a very lucky guy, because... The realization that I needed to earn money came only when I was 25. Before that time, I was more involved in searching for myself. I can drink beer with friends, I don’t drink strong drinks. I smoked for 13 years, but now I quit. I like to play computer games and train my dog. I try to do everything 100%. Motto: do it right - it will be fine.My wife. My wife (we are not officially married, but I consider her that way) is 9 years older than me. She is a candidate of science and has a 16-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. Beautiful woman. Lives in a small town. I divorced my husband last year due to the latter’s reluctance to change anything in his life. More specifically: I constantly played on the computer. He didn’t play games, didn’t take care of his daughter, didn’t pay attention to his wife, had no plans for the future, didn’t even help around the house at all. They lived in apartment 1, which had not been renovated for many years. The wife did what she could herself: painted the corridor, etc. Interior door was put by her sister's husband, while ex-husband my wife, sat next to me and played on the computer. I’m writing all this not to show how bad he is, but so that you understand that my wife is tired of such a life.
Of course, against this background I looked better and I managed to convince her to get a divorce.Our relationship. We have been together for more than 6 years. We met at MSC. A romance ensued. I’m at MSC, she’s at home (the other end of the country). She is married, and I fell in love with her. And I decided to achieve it. Telephone conversations, letters, etc. Meetings 2-4 times a year. in different cities of the country. Romance. During this time, we broke up many times, then got back together. I must say that this is food. the woman I had a relationship with ( adolescence doesn't count). We fought a lot, there was a period of time where we fought every Saturday. In relationships, I am an honest person, which is why I suffer. I have no secrets from her at all. I smoked cigarettes, walked with others (it should be noted that this was after major quarrels) - my wife knows all this. I think that if you mess up, it’s better to admit it right away, because it will come up anyway. And given my memory, I might spill the beans myself. So it's better to tell everything. Just later, in the lyrics. In quarrels, all this comes up to me, and even after several years. Which irritates me terribly.
A year ago. A year ago, after her divorce from her husband, I decided to move in with her. I packed my things and left MSC for a provincial town. Quit promising job, which I liked (the boss even cried), family and friends. We lived in her one-room apartment with our 16-year-old daughter. I must say that my daughter accepted me. Not with hostility. You can live. My wife got me a job with her. The plan was this: new opportunities opened up at her job and she was given a promotion and an increase in salary. We would work together on one project, for which we would be paid well and we would go to MSC.
There were quarrels, but we had major quarrels 2 times in just six months. And that’s because of my stepdaughter. Because Since she, like her dad, doesn’t do anything around the house, it really infuriated me to wash the dishes after her. I think that a teenager is able to wash his own plate and at least wipe the floor.
Made renovations in the apartment. Just didn’t touch the ceiling, it was intact. normal. The floors, walls, and doors have been completely redone.
In the spring, my wife had a delay and we decided to leave the child, because... Still, age and there may not be a second chance. It should be noted that because of this decision, she was unable to go to America for six months under the Fulbright program, which she won. And on which I spent a year. Sometimes it slips into her mind that if she went, she would find an American there and would stay, even if she didn’t find one, she would still stay, find a way. I’m sure that if I wanted to, I really would stay.
At the end of spring, I accidentally find out that my old job has opened new position with other money. And they want to take me on it. Then we came up with another plan: I’m leaving back for MSC, she’s selling the apartment and coming to me.
I left. But literally on the trail. the day I learned that the traitor did not need to leave. And she won't go anywhere. 2 months of long persuasion and listening to what a goat I am (sorry) and we finally managed to get the ball rolling. At the end of the summer, she sold her apartment, took out a loan and bought a two-room apartment. Also, at the end of the summer, she was given a promotion again and her salary was increased. It became obvious that she would not go anywhere.
It became clear that she would not go anywhere and it was decided. We decided to change the plan again. I take maternity leave from my job and come back. It works, we are waiting for money from the old project - we pay it for the apartment, then we sell it and leave for MSC. Just during this time the child will get stronger.
I’m leaving my job again (because it’s not clear whether they’ll take me back), family, friends, growth prospects, and I’m coming to this Small town.Present tense Now I'm already 2.5. I've been babysitting for months. I cook (which I haven’t done at all before), by the way, I’ve learned quite well. I clean every day (my stepdaughter doesn’t help with this at all, only with a very big kick, from my wife, of course). I'm going shopping. I'm taking care of the child. In short, I do everything a woman should do. My wife, on the contrary, plows like a horse for 12 hours without days off, which is exactly what I should be doing.
What pisses me off This situation really irritates me. It infuriates me to clean up after my stepdaughter (nothing has changed since that year), I get tired of the child (I love her, of course, and I can’t live without her, but God knows how hard it is with small children, when she can’t say anything and just yells ), every single day, carry her in your arms from one corner of the apartment to another. It annoys me that I don't work at all. I can’t stand this town, where you don’t even have a choice of which cinema to go to, especially since there’s only one. I can’t talk to anyone, because I don’t know anyone, but because big difference I can’t even talk to my friends in time. I can’t discuss this with my wife either, because she gets very tired at work and thinks that I’m crazy and don’t do a damn thing around the house: We need to do some renovations in our new apartment. I did it in my stepdaughter’s room, leaving the kitchen and our room. That I could start renovating the kitchen.
Bouts of rage Yesterday my wife came home from work, and I went for a walk with the dog, I consider this my outlet, because... I can get out of the apartment and work out with the pet (by the way, the dog is not mine, but my stepdaughter’s, who does not look after her. The dog has grown up bad and wayward, so I’m trying to reason with him). After I came home, she told me that she couldn’t sleep because... the child did not fall asleep. And I go and take care of the dog. And all this in a dissatisfied tone. And it infuriates me when they talk to me in such a tone, no, I would say: “dear, next time don’t walk the dog for so long or come out later, I want to sleep after work.” Naturally, I was angry that she couldn’t sit with the child for an hour. That's all. stopped talking to me. Okay, I caught my breath and decided to make peace. In the evening I went for a walk with my dog and bought some chocolate. Today I tried to talk in a normal tone all day, asking several times not to sulk. “Licked” the whole apartment, cooked food, did laundry, worked with the baby and the dog. My wife was not at work this afternoon (it must be said that she works from 8 am to 5 pm, and then a few more hours before bed). And when the ice had already broken, she told me that she did not want to go to MSC. This made me terribly angry and I launched the stool standing next to me into flight. To my shame, in front of a child.
This happens to me, I can run mobile phone at the wall, just yell in front of the baby, this happened 2 or 3 weeks ago. When this happens, I can’t control myself, I just want to destroy something. Of course, I understand where things can and cannot be thrown, but that’s just it. which I understand in a fit of anger.
I understand that the circumstances have developed this way, they must be endured, and when we find ourselves in MSC everything will be different... although maybe not... I don’t know.
Write to me how to deal with these attacks of anger?Sorry for such a long story. Thanks for reading.
Spouse aggression: how to avoid?
Aggression is destructive human behavior that causes direct harm to the object of aggression, expressed in psychological discomfort and physical damage, and contrary to the norms of human interaction.
Aggression in family life- a very common problem, which not only destroys marriages, but also deals a serious blow to the mental health of the spouses, sometimes to the point that a person begins to be afraid of individuals of the opposite sex or feel hatred towards them. It is no secret that women and children suffer the most from violence in the family, being the object of violence by the man, the head of the family. According to statistics, every fifth married woman is regularly beaten by her husband, but what is most disappointing is that 35-40% of all violent crimes occur in families, which once again confirms the relevance of the topic of this article.
Many women who are subject to aggression from their spouse cannot understand what to do next, what to do. Some people try to save their spouse from aggressive behavior through a conversation or visit of the spouse to a psychologist. In order to determine the reasons for a spouse’s aggressive behavior, it is necessary, first of all, to understand which type of aggressor the spouse belongs to. So, the spouse can be:
1. Flayer. Outwardly an ideal family man, he always takes initiative at work, is often the “life of the party,” and takes care of his appearance, in front of people around him, he is always sweet and kind. Those wives whose husband belongs to this type are often even envied, saying “What a wonderful husband you have!” However, when this “wonderful husband” returns home, he ceases to be so wonderful, and can hit his wife for any reason, believing that the wife herself is to blame for this (perhaps this is true - she is to blame for marrying such a flayer ).
2. Despot. One of the most dangerous types of family tyrant. In the house, the despot feels like a full-fledged owner and considers it possible to use brute force against his wife without any reason (so, as a precaution, so that the wife knows her place). The wife of a despot is afraid to tell anyone about the violence that is happening in their family, since she is afraid of the despot, it is very difficult to predict how far he is ready to go in displaying his aggression. Often beatings occur in a state of severe alcoholic intoxication, when a despot brings a group of friends into the house, beats his wife if she does not do as he wants, and in the morning does not even consider it necessary to apologize, saying that this happened - this is life.
3. Loser. As a rule, such a person has low self-esteem; he has not realized himself in life as he planned. Therefore, he prefers to take out all his anger and aggression, accumulated as a result of life’s failures. weak woman. He often drinks; it is when he is intoxicated that he is most dangerous. He is always dissatisfied with life, believes that society has treated him unfairly, and, of course, his wife and children are to blame for all his failures, but not himself.
4. Rebel. The least dangerous type of aggressor, but not while intoxicated. IN ordinary life he loves his wife and children, takes care of them, helps with household chores, but if he is on edge, he is capable of pushing his wife and hitting her. While intoxicated, he is capable of completely losing control over his actions and attacking his wife with his fists. However, unlike a despot, in the morning he always apologizes to his wife, claims that this will not happen again, nevertheless, the manifestation of aggression can be repeated more than once.
The most dangerous stage of aggression occurs when children become the object of this aggression. What should a woman do in such cases?
Well, firstly, you should realize that if a spouse showed aggression once, all his persuasion that this will not happen again or that this was the last time is 99% a lie, because the mechanism of aggression has already been launched, and the spouse will show aggression again and again. There are extremely rare cases when the aggressor went into an internal conversation with himself and convinced himself never to show aggression again, since the family is the most valuable thing in a person’s life, and children should not see their father like this, because they take an example from him, etc. .d. Most often, the spouse is not able to cope with the manifestation of aggression without the help of other people and a psychologist. But you need to take into account that if the problem of your spouse’s aggressive behavior is obvious to you, it is not so obvious to him, so be prepared to categorically refuse the help of a psychologist.
Secondly, don’t be patient. Many women peacefully endure the humiliation of their spouse, hoping that he will “come to his senses.” Everything will happen exactly the opposite - your spouse will see that you are calm about his attacks, and will consider that this is acceptable. Tolerate and do nothing is the worst decision a woman can make (the only worse thing is to eliminate her spouse, but that’s not the topic of conversation).
Thirdly, if you have children, think about them first. If children see all this horror, they may be left with psychological trauma for the rest of their lives. Is this really what you want? Or do you think that in the next attack of aggression, the husband is thinking about this? No matter how it is, the only thing he thinks about is how to show his strength, his power, and it doesn’t matter at all who is in front of him.
Fourthly - if you see that further life with the aggressor is impossible, that you have tried all possible methods of treatment, and consultations with a psychologist do not bring results - get a divorce. Many women immediately feel panicky at the thought of divorce, since not all of them work, and therefore do not know how they will provide for themselves and their children. In fact, divorce is sometimes the only way out of the situation, and it is better to break off the relationship than to endure constant humiliation.
Let's figure it out what keeps women from getting divorced?, even when the solution seems obvious.
A) Economic dependence on a spouse. The husband is the only breadwinner in the family, and therefore the woman cannot imagine how she will support her children alone. IN in this case a woman must either find a job or ask relatives to support her (help financially, with housing, etc.). Remember that the abusive spouse is well aware of your economic dependence, otherwise he would be afraid that you would leave and would not act so aggressively towards you.
B) Fear that the spouse will be even more willing to use aggression. A woman is afraid that if she leaves her husband, he will find her and cause even more pain (even murder), and therefore she has to live with a man, even when she has no patience left. In fact, whether you stay or leave, the situation with aggression will not change. It is much better to leave and hide somewhere where your spouse cannot find you, this is the only way you can protect yourself from the growing aggression.
C) Satisfaction with the current situation. It also happens that a woman is happy with her husband’s aggression, because then she plays the role of a victim, whom everyone pities and sympathizes with, as if she were so good, takes care of her family, and her husband is an aggressor, does not value anything and beats her. A woman is sometimes afraid to admit to herself that the role of the victim suits her, let alone to others, but this is so. There is only one way out - stop playing the role of the victim and understand that there is something to value you for besides the fact that you tolerate all this aggression. If you don't think about yourself, think about your children.
D) “Hitting means loving.” Some women deceive themselves, believing that since a man beats them, it means he is not indifferent to them, he is jealous of them, and being jealous means he loves them. Such women experience such a serious lack of care from their husbands that they are ready to even consider beatings as this care. In this case, a woman should understand that the manifestation of love should be completely different, that it is expressed in compliments, help, affection, but it is never manifested with the help of fists.
D) Fear of loneliness. In this case, the woman is simply afraid to be left alone, that no one will love her anymore, thinking that it would be better to have an aggressor husband than not to have one at all. In fact, most women who left an aggressor spouse soon found their happiness with another man, since when they left, they psychologically acquired freedom of action, became more independent, and a man worthy of them often found them himself. Therefore, there is no need to invent anything and paint disappointing pictures in your mind, because it is far from a fact that your worst fears will ever become a reality, but rather, on the contrary, they will never come true.
E) The belief that the spouse will change in better side. The woman thinks like this: “Well, he used to be so caring and gentle, surely this aggression will soon pass and everything will be as before.” However, years pass, and the time for change still does not come. And it will never come until the man himself wants to change. And while you patiently endure the beatings and wait for your spouse to deign to change, he will enjoy his behavior, since he will not encounter any resistance, which means that such behavior suits both parties. Only your response to aggression can change anything. If a man once again shows aggression, leave, not forever, but for a while (unless this aggression is permanent), and then the man will think that he was wrong in using aggression towards you. However, your quick return home will again set the man up for aggression. It is important here that your return is not easy for your husband, that he looks for you himself, and only after finding you, takes all possible actions to persuade you to return to him.
What can help a woman avoid male aggression? Of course, the main problem of aggression lies in the man, and therefore it is advisable, if a man is not able to overcome aggression on his own, to visit a family psychologist. If all else fails, then it is better for the woman to leave the man. Forever or for a certain period - it's up to you.
However, one should not assume that male aggression depends solely on the man - the role of a woman in it is also great, and if, after another beating, you simply complain to other people about what an aggressor your spouse is and that he does not want to change, there will be no progress . On the contrary, if your spouse finds out that you are complaining about him to your friends, aggressive behavior towards you and your children will become more frequent.
Therefore, advice to women how to get away from male violence:
1. Think about your health. Very often a woman dissolves in her husband, thinks that he should feel good, but completely forgets about herself. Therefore, constant male aggression seriously undermines a woman’s physical and, above all, mental health. As a result, a woman can endure beatings and aggression for many years, but the result is the same - a broken marriage. But unlike when a woman leaves immediately, in this case she gets neurosis, frequent nervous breakdowns, depression, etc. As a result, it is more difficult for her to find a job and meet her man. So before you forgive your spouse’s next prank, consider whether it’s worth it. It is better to leave a hopeless aggressor sooner rather than later. There is only one life, and its quality directly depends on the state of your health, so take care of it.
2. Always have your own opinion and don’t be afraid of other people’s opinions. If you feel bad, tell about it to those people who can help you. You must clearly understand first of all what is best for you and your children, and take this into account. And don’t be afraid of other people’s opinions, because your friends may say: “What are you talking about? To leave such a man - he is both wealthy and strong...”, but they judge from their side and do not know all the details, and therefore think after the next manifestation of aggression, “what will their friends say?” stupid, because it’s not for them to get rid of psychological problems and reduce bruises, and for you. Also be wary of the opinions of the aggressor’s relatives, especially his mother, who will convince you: “My son will never say a rude word to a woman, let alone hit her.” Understand that this is the mother of the aggressor, and for her he will always be the best. And even if you show her your numerous bruises, she will say that you are deliberately slandering and hit yourself somewhere. Don’t be afraid to leave against the opinion of the aggressor’s family if your spouse shows no hope of getting rid of aggressive behavior.
3. Increase your self-confidence. If you are confident in yourself and know your worth, you will never allow a man to raise his hand to you. For women who know their worth, a man who fights is not a man, he loses all respect in their eyes, but how can you live with a person you don’t respect?
4. Never hide the fact of violence. Very often, an abusive spouse can only be stopped by asking for help. Until no one knows that acts of violence have been committed against you, no one can help you.
5. Remember that there is only one life, and you don’t need to waste it on something that causes you and your children suffering. Make the decision to change your life as early as possible, before it's too late.
But what should a wife do if the subject of her husband’s aggression was not her, but her child?
1. Implicitly take the child’s position and protect him. The spouse is already an adult, and therefore must be smarter than the child (by definition). But the child is very often not able to stand up for himself, especially in cases where the father is an authority for him. In addition, the self-esteem of young children is still at the formative stage, and aggression can cause a serious blow to it, which in the future will negatively affect a person’s life.
2. Talk to your spouse regarding his aggressive behavior. Ask him to imagine himself in the child’s place, how he feels, whether he is offended. Adults very often copy the behavior of their parents, and if your spouse allows aggression to be taken out on a child, there is a high probability that at one time his father was aggressive towards your spouse. In this case, it will be easier for a man to understand the child’s feelings, because he himself once experienced this.
3. If the spouse has crossed the boundaries of what is permitted and began to regularly assault the child, leave the house with the child, or call the police. Remember about the existence of a helpline.
4. If the spouse very often attacks the child verbally, does not stay with him mutual language, it is possible to temporarily send the child to the closest relative (grandmother, sister, mother) until clarification true reasons spouse aggression (on your own or with the help of a psychologist).
The most important thing to remember is that a parent has the right to punish a child, but it is always necessary to separate punishment that is adequate for the child’s offense from unreasonable aggression. Sometimes the aggression of one of the parents reaches such an extent that only a highly qualified psychologist can help to understand the problem. If this doesn’t help, don’t watch how your child suffers, take him and go to his relatives - this is the best of all possible options.
