How to teach children to respect their parents? What mistakes do parents make in raising children? What are they doing wrong? Why do parents see their children’s selfishness instead of honor and respect? Modern children are not familiar with the concept of “authority”. The authority of parents has long been destroyed. What can be done?
I think these questions concern everyone who has children. Very often in relationships with children we feel their affection and love, but we do not see respect for ourselves.
We all subconsciously understand the difference between love and respect, although it can be difficult to explain it in words.
I would like to start with the fact that children are our mirrors, whether we want to admit it or not, but they are. And if our children treat us with disrespect, neglect and stop caring about us, it is only because we once treated them the same way.
I foresee the indignation of many mothers who are ready to object to me - I, they say, have devoted my whole life to my child, but what in response?
So who told you that a child needs you to devote all of yourself and your life to him?
Let's try to understand the concepts of “respect” and “love”. And how can you teach children to respect their parents?
What is respect and love? It is the same?
Many people know how to answer the question:
- "Do you like?"
- "Yes".
But the question: “Do you respect me?” baffles many.
The problem with modern marriage is precisely the lack of respect for each other.
Basically, everyone creates families out of love, but no one at this moment thinks about respect.
It is the presence of respect for each other that helps preserve love for many years and helps raise children in a favorable atmosphere.
Love is a feeling characteristic of a person; it is a deep attachment to another, deep sympathy. Love is born in the heart, it accepts everything and forgives everything.
Respect is the position of one person towards another, recognition of his merits. Respect is born in the mind, it is selective.
This feeling presupposes justice, equality of rights, attention to the interests of another person, his beliefs.
Respect implies freedom and trust.
Every culture has its own established idea of it. In an eastern family, a woman respects a man only because he is a man; she is raised to respect men and elders.
A woman must unquestioningly look after her husband, obey him, serve him.
In India, a woman shows great respect when she washes her man's feet.
In Egypt, appearing in front of your husband in an inappropriate manner - in an old robe and unkempt - is a sign of disrespect. The worst offense in an Egyptian family, after which the husband has the right to kick his wife out of the house forever, is to tell him that he does not provide for the family. After all, by doing so, the wife questions the masculinity of her husband.
IN modern family Respect between a man and a woman has ceased to occupy an important place.
A woman has absolutely no respect for a man and rightfully believes that there is nothing to respect him for. A man also has no respect for a woman. IN modern marriage The boundaries between men and women have blurred, we have stopped treating each other with respect.
Of course, in modern world The roles of men and women have changed a lot, and this has only created problems so far.
The wife stopped seeing a man in her husband, and the husband stopped seeing a woman in his wife.
If a woman does not respect a man, how can she respect her son? She will love him, but she will not respect him as a man, because she has no respect for the male sex.
How will a father respect his daughter if he does not respect his wife?
He will love his daughter and will be tenderly attached to her, but he will not respect the woman in her.
The son, seeing the mother’s attitude towards his father and other men, will try on this attitude on himself and his masculinity, and the same thing will happen with the daughter.
Respect is respectful attitude to each other, to intelligence and abilities, to interests and hobbies, to decisions made, desires.
By the age of 3, the child begins to develop the “I myself” position.
For the first time, he begins to test his abilities to perform certain tasks.
If parents at this moment treat his position “I myself” with disrespect, laugh, do not allow him to do anything, emphasize that he is too small or has “holey hands,” what kind of respect can we talk about? Teach children to treat with respect You can only contact your parents when the parents respect each other and the child.
If it is customary in a family to make fun of each other, to be sarcastic, to make cutting remarks, to belittle, to doubt one another’s abilities, this becomes the norm.
If parents do not respect the child and each other, then the child will never respect the parents. He may be afraid of them and out of fear show respect, but real respect will be far from it.
Respecting a person means respecting his personal boundaries (phone, computer, diary, diary).
Parents do not consider it necessary to knock on their children's room, thinking that they cannot have their own secrets. But this is an encroachment on personal territory.
Parents can shamelessly interrupt their child when he is minding his own business, demand that he leave everything just because it’s time for lunch, or unceremoniously change the channel on the TV.
With such an attitude, how will a child respect his parents?
A respectful attitude towards relatives and friends can also serve as an example of respect for a child.
If the door closes behind guests and someone starts discussing them, what kind of respect can we talk about?
Every family should have its own rituals that show respect for holidays and traditions.
Serving your husband a plate first, bringing him tea while he is looking through the newspapers, meeting him at the door, hugging and kissing him is respect. And if the wife, without looking up from her work, mutters dissatisfiedly: “Heat it up yourself, dinner is on the table,” - where is the example for respect?
A husband should have the same respectful attitude towards his wife - thank her for dinner, kiss her, hug her, offer her help around the house.
Only such relationships in the family will instill in a child respect for his parents.
Respect is a feeling that is least affected by time, unlike love.
For many, the concepts of love and respect are closely intertwined, and a person thinks that if he loves, then he automatically respects.
No, that's not true.
Love is born from feelings and lives in the heart.
Respect is born in the mind, lives in the head and implies a certain distance.
Submitting to reason, respect always finds qualities for which a person can be respected.
Respect does not arise out of nowhere. People are always respected for something.
You can and should love just like that.
We respect people for their character, for some personal qualities, for achievements, for everything that is given to a person as a result of his own efforts and work. This is what a person acquires during his life or what is given to him from birth.
You need to know your child very well, be able to see in him qualities and character traits worthy of respect, and try to respect his characteristics.
If he is slow, then do not ridicule this quality, it can be very useful when doing some meticulous work.
If, on the contrary, the child is restless, then this may be useful to him in his active life.
Another reason for lack of respect is the inability to respect the boundaries of another person, especially a child.
We perceive the child as our property and do not want to hear anything about his desires.
As soon as the boundaries between you and your child are erased, there can be no question of any respect on his part.
Respect is, first of all, maintaining distance and respecting personal boundaries.
Respect is born only at a certain distance in a relationship.
And if you need to be as close to the child as possible, you do not have your own life, then the child will not respect you because you are too attached to him. For respect to arise, you need distance, emotional distance, you need space.
True respect is not a neutral and cold position, it is the presence of personal space for everyone.
True respect in a family is a unity of love and respect. And although these concepts are very different, they complement each other.
Love without respect turns into an uncontrollable feeling that seeks to subjugate another and deprive him of freedom.
Destroying a person's boundaries can have very destructive consequences.
Without love, respect loses its soul and becomes a dry adherence to rules and formalities.
In order for children to respect their parents, it is necessary to restore respect for all family members, including the child.
When you respect a child, you do not use sarcastic words, there are no contemptuous notes in your voice, your face does not contort as if you were seeing something extremely unpleasant to you.
Every year it becomes more and more difficult for parents to find mutual understanding with their growing children. And not only with teenagers. Child of four or five
years are also often far from a gift. Parents often complain that their children do not listen to them at all, do not respond to comments, and ignore requests.
Everything that goes wrong - screaming, crying, hysterics. And there is no need to talk about respect for parents. There is no smell of parental authority. How should you raise your children so that they grow up loving, attentive and caring?
In this article we will discuss this issue.
Let's start “with planting potatoes”... Finally, our long-awaited baby was born. The whole family is delighted. Blows away dust particles. Fulfills all wishes, as soon as the baby frowns his eyebrows. The baby never refuses anything. Everyone is in service: not only mom and dad, but grandparents. The baby is growing... He is already six or seven years old. And you can often observe such a picture in public transport: grandmother and grandson came in; the grandmother grabbed the handrail, but still throws it from side to side - weak arms and legs; the man gives way. What do you think grandma is doing? She sits her granddaughter down, and she sits down next to him, covering him with her weak body, as if someone would push her beloved child.
I don’t know about anyone, but it disgusts me to look at such a picture. And I don’t feel sorry for grandma at all. I see that the boy is completely healthy - he has roller skates in his hands. The poor guy was probably tired from roller skating. And when they come home, they will rush to kick the ball on the court. I would like to ask my grandmother: what kind of person does she think her grandson will grow up to be? And not only his relatives, but also the people around him will suffer from such an upbringing. It is unlikely that this boy, having become a grown man, will give up his place to a woman or an old man, not to mention more significant help to his neighbor. But I’m silent. I understand that you can’t rehabilitate such a grandmother, you’ll only run into a scandal.
I hope this article will be read by young parents who want to raise worthy person who will surround them with love and attention in old age.
And in order for this to happen, you need to remember a simple rule: the child must know what discipline is. From a very early age.
I'll tell you a parable. Not verbatim, maybe something is not entirely accurate, but the meaning will not change from this.
One day young parents asked the sage:
– At what age should you start raising a child?
The sage answered with a question:
– How old is your baby?
“Nine months,” the parents answered.
“You are nine months late,” the sage surprised them with his answer.
So a child should know the word “discipline” from the first day of birth. If you don’t know, then feel.
Do not think that I am encouraging you to be cruel to your child. Not at all.
How to instill respect for parents in a child
Disciplining does not mean keeping a child under tight control. Your child must learn that life is about a certain order. And a child will be able to learn this rule only if you personally strictly follow it. You are his idol. You are a role model. After all, children are very observant and literally copy their parents. So, if you yourself are not disciplined, then you are unlikely to be able to discipline your child. Improve, develop, do good deeds.
So, the first rule: stand for yourself little man an example to follow in everything.
Watch the animals: how little kittens, puppies, ducklings and other “yata” copy their mothers. The same thing happens with people. Be disciplined yourself, and your children will not let you down.
Just as important as discipline is communication. Many people believe that a baby does not understand speech, so there is no point in talking to him. And they are deeply mistaken. From the very first day, a baby may not understand literally what is said to him, but he deeply feels the emotional mood of the person who speaks to him. Therefore, it is very important to constantly tell your little one gentle, sweet words, sing calm, melodic songs, touch him more often. In the first days of his life, the baby begins to become aware of himself and his presence in this world.
As the child grows and develops, communication with parents becomes more and more important for the child. And if you want to adolescence the child consulted with you, shared his experiences and joys, devote as much time as possible to daily communication with him. You will have to patiently answer endless questions at the age of 2-5 years. We'll have to read books together, watch cartoons, and then share our impressions. You will have to remember your childhood and play with your child the games that he likes. And then learn lessons and so on, and so on.
Some mothers may now be indignant: when should they do housework? Believe me, it's not difficult. If you show imagination and patience, you can communicate with your child and do the work. You can also involve the baby by entrusting him with some task - and small children are very willing to help their parents - and at the same time communicate. There would be a desire. And there must be a desire if you want your child to respect you.
So, the second rule: communication. Communication always and everywhere: at home, on the road, doing work together, playing, traveling, going to bed.
How to instill respect for parents in a child
Remember, by communicating, you lay down the basic character traits of your child. And what more love you give him when communicating, the more you will receive from him not only at the moment, but also in the future. Show your love openly. The child should not only feel your love, he should constantly hear that you love him. The more attention and love you surround your child with, the more obedient he will be, because it is through your attentiveness and love that the child perceives caring for himself. And later he himself will take care of you with love and respect. But under no circumstances think that toys or expensive things can replace communication, using the excuse of lack of time. Such a " parental love” is unlikely to turn into respect for you. Children feel very subtly - true love this, or purchased, and compensate true love nothing is impossible for parents. Remember this once and for all.
The remaining rules, which I will write about below, directly follow from those already described. The basis: love, care and respect.
In order for your child to respect you, remember the saying: “As it comes around, so it will respond.” Never yell at a child.
Try not to scold him if he did something wrong or got into trouble. Children do not yet know how to think about their actions and their consequences, so you must remember that experience and skill come with time. He who does nothing makes no mistakes. Children may not be able to evaluate for a long time possible consequences of your actions. Be patient, explain what will happen after this or that action.
How to instill respect for parents in a child
Reasonable control is also one of the helpers in raising children to respect their parents. But not the kind of control that one would like to call “under the escort of care.” Monitor your child unobtrusively. It is advisable that he does not notice that you are controlling him. If you managed to install trusting relationship, then you should not have problems with control. The child himself will share with you everything that happens in his life.
Don't rely on school: the main function of school is to teach. The main function of parents is to educate. No other person's aunt can influence a child's personality as much as mom and dad.
Show interest in what your child is interested in. And don’t forbid him even if you don’t like his hobby. Try to delve into his hobby and understand what attracts the child so much in this. This makes it much easier to achieve mutual understanding with the child and his respect. If the child trusts you, there will be a respectful attitude.
And further. When loving your child and trying to instill in him a respectful attitude towards you, do not be afraid to refuse. If you have firmly established trust and mutual understanding, if the child knows and feels that you sincerely love him, he will perceive your refusal correctly and with due understanding. He will not respect you any less, especially if you thoroughly justify your refusal. But don’t be stubborn, give in to the child yourself. This will encourage him to give in to you.
And lastly: respect the child. Let him see you as a friend. Remember that he is, first of all, a person, and only then - your child. Respect your husband, and let your husband respect you. As a rule, if family members are happy, if harmony and tranquility reign in the house, it is much easier to instill respect for parents in a child.
Good luck to you in building trusting relationships with your children, and then the respect and love of your child will delight you all your life.
WikiHow works like a wiki, which means that many of our articles are written by multiple authors. This article was produced by 17 people, including anonymously, to edit and improve it.
Looking at yourself from the outside, you discovered that you are prone to selfishness and sometimes show dissatisfaction, which negatively affects your relationships with people around you. Once you realize the seriousness of your behavior, you want to make adjustments to your behavior to improve and improve your behavior. a good relationship with other people. You can do it. However, you will have to make a conscious effort to do this, since others around you will already be accustomed to your negative behavior. The good news is that you can change, and your parents will appreciate those changes.
Steps
- “Mom, my friend Derek is having a party on Friday night. How will you feel if I go? Here's Derek's mom's phone number. The party will be supervised by adults. My friends will be at the party too. I will be glad if you call me. Would you mind if I go to this party, and I, in turn, promise to return home no later than 11:00?”
- “Dad, I want to ask you something. I was at practice yesterday and noticed that my shoes were falling apart. (Show him.) Can I buy new ones?”
- "Mom, I don't really like this one. mobile phone. I know it's not old yet, but I really want a new one (show her the one you want). I understand that it costs money. I'm not asking you to give me money for my phone, I'm ready to earn it. Tell me how I can earn money for this phone?
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Anticipate their needs. Be respectful and less self-centered by paying attention to what is happening around you. When your mom comes home from shopping, she's probably tired (you'll understand this better in 10 years). You can help your mom if you go shopping with her! Also, help her around the house. Look around. Few people like chaos. If you see things scattered, clean up the mess with your siblings. Don't wait for your parents to ask you to do this. You can vacuum, dust, wash dishes, clean the bathroom and your room, load washing machine etc. Do this without being reminded. Your parents will appreciate your help and respect you for it.
Take part in family life. If you sit in your room, talk on the phone, or write text messages, you are unlikely to be involved in your family's affairs. Of course, you can do these things and have personal time, but make time for your family. Your loved ones care about you, try to be less selfish by setting aside time to communicate with your parents. Even if you just watch TV with them, walk outside, or have dinner together, it means a lot to them. Ask your parents for help from time to time when doing homework. You can chat with your friends on the phone, but when you are spending time with your family, turn off your phone or put it in voicemail mode; turn off email and don't text. Don't let other people steal your family's time. Your parents will respect you for this. In addition, your friends will understand that you have another life and you are not entirely theirs, so you will not always respond instantly to their messages.
Accept criticism. If you ask politely for something and your parents still say no, try to understand why they are doing this. Understand that your parents are not rejecting you because they want to hurt you. They are trying to act in your best interest. Chances are they have good reasons why they are turning you down. If they are not willing to give you money for a new cell phone, they may need money to repair a car, buy medicine, or pay bills. In addition, they may think that if they buy you a new mobile phone, they will not have the means to buy you a dress for High school prom or sports uniform. When your parents reject you, accept the rejection with calm and maturity. Just say, “Okay. Thanks for thinking about it." They will be amazed that you accepted their rejection in this way, and next time they will definitely say yes to you.
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- Remember that you cannot influence the reactions of others. No matter how others behave, your commitment to be respectful and mature should not change. This will certainly help you in the future. If you are treated as a scapegoat in your family, you most likely have to deal with constant criticism and excessive demands. You are not alone. Be patient and seek help and advice from your teacher, school counselor, family therapist. Don't let your parents' reactions affect your self-esteem. In addition, your parents need to get used to your new behavior. Therefore, having chosen the right path, do not hesitate to strive for your goal.
- When you are being humiliated, it is not so easy to show respect. However, being respectful and respectful will make it easier for you to ask others for help. Get help - no one deserves to be humiliated.
- Don't expect your parents to immediately change their attitude towards you. They are used to you being selfish and disrespectful. Give them time to get used to your new behavior.
Be prepared for different reactions. If you are used to acting selfishly, then most likely your parents and siblings may not believe that you are capable of change. Stop teasing and making fun of your loved ones. Take decisive action. Change your manners.
Show interest in your loved ones. Instead of grunting at the sight of your mother, thus greeting her without looking up from writing a message, put everything aside and say: “Hi, mom. How was your day? Let me help you." Help mom around the house and listen to how her day was. This will show that you think about her, and not just about yourself and your friends.
Ask questions instead of making demands like you did before. Instead of telling your parents that you want to go to a party, ask them if they will let you go. Instead of telling your parents that they will have to spend a considerable amount of money on your new wardrobe or on a school trip, ask your parents if they can buy you new clothes or give money for the trip. Also ask what you can do to help cover the costs. Speak in the right tone, don’t demand or whine. This way you will show yourself as mature man, showing respect to parents and understanding that they may have unexpected expenses (for example, medical treatment or car repairs). Chances are, your parents don't have enough money for you to wallow in. They work hard to pay bills, buy food, and pay other expenses. The following examples will help you show your parents that you respect them and understand that they have enough responsibilities. Next time, instead of demanding something, follow these tips:
Have you ever heard similar phrases addressed to you from your parents?
“How many times can I repeat, don’t you understand the first time?”
“I told you: this was the last time I repeated it, I’m telling you again that I won’t repeat it again!”
“Well, do I really need to yell at you so that you listen!? You can’t hear me at all, or what?”
Such speeches today are not at all rarity. Perhaps you are a parent yourself and have noticed such words in yourself. You demand that he stop running around the house, but the child doesn’t seem to hear you, there is nothing to object to your demand, but he just wants to run around the house, and he ignores your words. You say it's time to turn off the computer until your math homework is done, but the response is either silence (and continued shooting at monsters), or an impatient "Leave me alone!", and after a reminder 15 minutes later, perhaps even aggressive " Well, now, I told you so!”
So, consider all this the norm, and throwing up your hands and complaining about fate is not at all normal. This behavior has become completely common today, but this is not the norm at all, it is a sign that as a moral authority you are a complete zero for the child, and he fulfills your requests only in two cases:
1. He likes them and benefits himself.
2. He is afraid of the punishment that you can give him (spanking, yelling, putting him in a corner).
Believe second the option for an effective educational method is a mistake, this is an extreme measure that in no way makes you more authoritative in the eyes of the child. You simply took advantage of power and physical superiority, but you did not become a real representative of “legitimate” power in the eyes of your child. Your words are still empty space, and you need to listen to them only when the opposite threatens with punishment.
Healthy relationship between a child and a parent look different. The child always reacts to the words of mom and dad if they are addressed to him. If he doesn't like something, he can, of course, object, but he always obeys. Before voicing his complaints and objections, convincing you to let him play ball in the apartment, he first stops the game and puts the ball back in its place. And when you address your child by name, the next moment you see his eyes.
To establish such relationship, it is better to take on this educational process as early as possible. At the same time, it is imperative to take into account that the child is an unformed personality, and not to be embarrassed that the process of teaching obedience at some stages looks so much like training.
Start with simple ones requests which the child will do with pleasure. Make a game out of obedience. "Sergey, catch the ball! Well done! Show me where dad is? Good girl!" From a very young age, you need to reinforce in your child the logic “obedience = pleasure, joy.” Once again - do not be afraid that the baby will turn into a trained animal, all this will “fall away” itself when he grows up and his mind gets stronger and becomes independent. In the meantime, it is very important that he obeys you unquestioningly.
Separately teach a little grown-up child come running to you at your first call. Again, this behavior needs to be reinforced with a positive incentive. Sometimes it’s some kind of tasty treat, sometimes it’s just a mother’s kiss and affection, but the child must get used to coming to you with joy, then this behavior will be reinforced at an older age.
Build up requirements gradually but regularly. Only complication gives rise to development. As your child grows up, you will constantly have to determine what activities he is old enough for and what he is ready for. Tie your own shoelaces, wipe your nose with your own personal handkerchief, get to school without adults, prepare breakfast for yourself and your parents, study independently, coming only once a week with a report, diary and school news for the week. But don’t put too much pressure; if you see that the baby can’t cope with your demands yet, reduce them. Slow development in this regard is much preferable to the deterioration of your child's attitude towards obedience itself, which can happen if attempts to comply with your demands constantly turn into failures.
Control your data execution tasks- Always. At the same time, it is not you who should come to his room every twenty minutes and make sure that the child is studying and not hanging out in in social networks, and the responsible young man himself completes all the tasks and comes to you for control questions. Teach your child that every task given by mom and dad is worth telling them later about its completion. And don't forget about praise. If you do not sufficiently praise your child for obedience, then your dissatisfaction with the opposite behavior will not be worth anything.
It is also necessary do not give it to the child forget that he is not the most important person in the house. He must understand that his parents may have much more important things to do than play with him. If the father is busy in his office, he should not be disturbed; if the mother is packing things for a trip or filling out papers, then she will not play with him and will not react to whining.
Well last thing(by no means in importance) - do not devalue your own threats. Sometimes the child will still not obey, and upbringing will lose to nature. Be sure in this case that your kindness will not spoil the child’s character. If you promised to deprive him of his computer for a week for disgusting behavior, then you will have to adhere to your ultimatum in full strictness, although it is obvious that you will not make peace the next day.
Don't worry, you don't have to think when it’s time to end this policy of relations with a child. At the age of 12-13, he himself will begin to leave under your wing, and a battle of authorities will begin. But it will pass painlessly (relatively), if by that time the child has already learned to obey you, and you will be a real authority for him (and not just a belt bearer), then over time he will be able to become your friend, and not a ward and subordinate.
I was busy with counseling throughout the month of November and only at the beginning of December was I able to get out to write an article answering Elena’s mother’s question.
I want to say that this is a topic that cannot be covered in one article. To solve a problem like this, people spend months and years working on relationships. Especially in marriage. Analysis required family relations using special methods with the consent of the spouses, searching for internal reserves, modeling, etc., but even if one maintains a negative position or, which is better, neutrality, the other spouse can begin his internal work. As they say: change yourself and the world will change with you!
Without this, any reasoning will be superficial. But they can give an impetus to thinking.
I am in a pre-divorce state, my son is 3.4 years old. My husband (he is a police officer) and I have not lived together for 1.5 years because of his disrespectful attitude towards me. The child spends every weekend with his dad (visiting dad). In the company of the father and after him, the child is completely uncontrollable. He can come up and hit, say “Mom, I’m tired of you, go away.” This attitude manifests itself not only towards me, but also towards my grandparents (my husband’s parents). We tried to convey to the dad that he should make comments to the child in these cases, because... The child simply does not hear us at such moments. Dad seems to have started doing this, but with a reminder this information does not reach the child. What options are there to reach my son and eliminate his ostentatious behavior in the presence of his dad?
Dad laughs on the sly, looking at his son’s behavior (tacitly approves), but the son doesn’t understand and thinks that this is the norm. Elena
Elena’s situation is not simple for the very reason that there is no family as such for the child. This entails others side effects, such as:
Insecurity and loss of a sense of stability “outside the nest”;
the child’s fear that “they will abandon me again”;
lack of paternal warmth and love;
difficulties with mom, who has a tense relationship with dad;
“I can be offended at any moment.”
A mother who finds herself in a similar situation must immediately resolve these issues:
1. Provide your son with confidence and protection (everything is fine and calm at home).
2. Give reasons that he will love the child with unconditional love, independent of his behavior and whims. Simply because he IS!
3. Learn to enter the special world of your son, see life through his eyes, speak his childish language. And children's language is a game.
4. Set clear and understandable boundaries for your son and ex-husband within acceptable limits.
5. Level up your relationship with the child’s father as much as possible.
Already for each point it is necessary big job over himself and his relationships with his son, his father and other loved ones.
How to teach a child to respect his mother if this very point was at the heart of the breakup of a marriage: lack of respect on the part of the ex-spouse?
After all, this was not always the case from the beginning. Somewhere, a husband and wife failed to maintain trust and a warm relationship with each other, neglected to work on themselves, and allowed themselves to express complaints...
We will not touch on my father for now, because it is impossible to change him, like any other person. But you can begin to change your attitude towards yourself.
Here we need to remember a simple truth, known since biblical times. “In everything, as you would have people do to you, do so to them.”
To paraphrase our words for this situation - if a person lacks respect, the reason often lies within him.
He doesn't respect himself. And the rest project his signals and mirror them.
Where are the origins of self-disrespect?
The basis is low self-esteem, in other cases the problem with disrespect is deeper: in the person’s very attitude towards life, in his personality type, formed in early childhood by a significant Adult for him, his worldview, etc.
To find the reason, you need to unwind this ball to the end. Go deeper into yourself, find the starting point when your internal position in relation to the world began to form:
I am a winner or I am the defeated one.
I can do everything or I need encouragement and help.
I know my goals or I'm not sure what I need/can do.
It is easy to see that the second position brings us closer to the position of the Victim. Being in this state, you become dependent on external circumstances, you begin, like a magnet, to attract many difficulties in your personal life and at work, difficulties in communicating with children and loved ones.
Therefore, as soon as we catch ourselves in the role of the Victim, we change our thoughts and attitudes to the opposite feelings that correspond to the character of the Winner, for example:
I am not able to cope with him....(Victim) - I know how to cope with him. (Winner).
I'm afraid of what will happen next, I'm afraid everything is so hopeless... (Victim) - I'm sure everything will be fine. (Winner).
I am at a loss and I want to cry with frustration.... (Victim) - I am calm and can think about what needs to be done now. (Winner).
And the most important thing: the thought “What can I do now to solve this problem...” helps to move a person from the plane of chewing on difficulties and passivity - to the plane of concrete actions.
When you feel such warm confidence and strength (and the position of the Victim takes everything away), you can move on to solving the current problems of disrespect on the part of the child.
The child's disrespect will no longer be based on the role of the mother - the Victim, since this role will no longer be relevant. But he will need some guidelines on how to act and what is acceptable/correct in a relationship. In this case, reasonable setting of boundaries, both personal and family, will help.
Simple examples:
“Mom is carrying a heavy bag, and her son is running and jumping nearby, trying to run away somewhere.”
Instead of silently pulling bags, it is better to invite him to bear the burden that is feasible for him.
“Mom comes home from work tired every time, she needs to rest, but she quickly gets up at the stove. And the son tugs at her so that she goes with him and plays.”
Instead, you can lie down to rest for half an hour, and ask your son to bring a pillow, turn on the button on the kettle so that the water boils and put the cups on the table.
These are all examples of respect and care for mom.
Similarly, you can draw your son’s attention to his grandparents, how and how he can help them. But before that, you need to know a simple thing: it’s not enough to expect help or sympathy from a child if you don’t show him in practice HOW this can be done.
Those. The child must have a visual reference point.
Very often, disrespect and neglect of the mother is born from her inconsistency in communicating with the child and loved ones. Classic: promised and forgot, or when decisions made quickly change without warning or preparation, leaving the child in a situation of chaos.
There must be boundaries in the family, first of all, to preserve the internal emotional stability and integrity of the child.
Eg,
when there is no clear understanding that after hygiene procedures comes putting on pajamas and going to bed (there are no clear and consistent rituals), the out-of-control baby will be uncontrollable and the mother, instead of cooperating, will find herself in a position of fighting him.
Or table manners. If a child sees that his mother allows self-indulgence, he will “loose” this boundary in order to reach the point where his mother’s patience ends. And this is again a skirmish, an explosion.
Or calling the mother names, throwing things at her, dismissive words: “give me”, “leave me alone”... If the mother explodes in response, is rude to the child or lets sarcastic words go unheard, he will consider this the norm and “have fun” looking at her reaction.
Properly selected and well-thought-out boundaries help the baby live a simpler and calmer life, while protecting the mother from unnecessary hassle and helping to preserve parental dignity.
Now we come to the issue of a child’s behavior when dad secretly encourages his rudeness and rudeness.
This is a serious problem. The child reads the behavior model from the two people closest to him, who raised him and loved him. If these people close to him cannot get along with each other, then for the sake of their son or daughter they must at least maintain neutrality.
The picture becomes completely sad: mom is offended by dad (and vice versa) and expresses these emotions to one degree or another in the presence of the child: “your father is just a boor...”, “he is a loser, we don’t need such a dad,” “he is bad.” ", etc. (dad - similar). The projection of resentment onto her ex-husband often turns against her: the child becomes in opposition, he wants to “protect the folder,” be “at the same time” with him, “take revenge on his mother.”
When parting and it is impossible to save a marriage, no matter how bitter the grievances of the spouses are, it is important to be able to let go of it with dignity. Create distance and outline the boundaries of reasonable behavior without conflicts.
If a child lives most of the time with his mother, who was able to build a trusting relationship with him and correct boundaries in the main areas of life, he will be able to rely on this model of relationship when communicating with his “coming” father.
