• How to live after a divorce in the same apartment. Living together after divorce. Psychologist's recommendation

    21.07.2019

    Sometimes psychologists call divorce the death of a relationship, but in our country the reality is that quite often ex-spouses are forced to continue living under the same roof, and sometimes this lasts for years.

    Living together after divorce can lead to reconciliation

    Many couples, when separating, think about how to live in the same apartment after a divorce. In fact, there are both positive and negative aspects.

    How to organize accommodation

    From the outside, former partners living in the same housing is similar to an ordinary communal apartment, that is, the spouses must discuss all the details, for example, where whose things are stored. All hangers and all common space, including shelves in the refrigerator, should be separated. Schedules are drawn up for using the washing machine and cleaning the premises.

    But this section is the easiest for divorced people to live with. Quite often, especially if the divorce was mutually supported, order is actually established in the apartment, like in a typical communal apartment, when everyone follows the rules.

    But this happens in a minority of cases, the reasons for this are different, for example, the same negative emotions one painting in the registry office has not gone away, so quarrels, scandals, even assaults may well continue. If the ex-husband has the character of a tyrant, then nothing will change even after the divorce. It will also be difficult to live with a person who has feelings for an ex-partner. It will be quite difficult for him to meet his partner in the same room every day. Even in such cases, quite often there are conflict situations. And some will never appreciate the seriousness of the divorce.

    Anyone interested in how to live with an ex-husband after a divorce in the same apartment should know that in addition to negative aspects, there are also positive ones. For example, after living like this for some time, the former spouses understand that they were in a hurry, so there are many known stories when reconciliation follows and the family lives happily ever after. But, of course, you should not succumb to illusions; this does not always happen.

    Whatever happens between spouses, there is no need to organize full-scale hostilities in the apartment or weave complex intrigues. The situation can be resolved at any moment, the spouses will separate, but the feeling self-esteem You may not get it back, just like the feeling of shame and guilt for your actions.

    What to do if such a life is impossible

    When to live in an apartment with former partner uncomfortable or simply impossible, then you need to try to do something with real estate. If the home is not sold because you do not want to incur losses, then it is still better to decide on such a move, because your own health is more important.

    When ex-husband and the wife live together - this means it is impossible to exchange an apartment to which both have equal rights.

    It happens that a husband and wife live in the same apartment for years after a divorce and their relationship is like that of neighbors in a common communal kitchen. The spouses agree on how they will do the repairs, who will use washing machine on Saturday, and some on weekdays, they share shelves in the refrigerator and hangers in the hallway. At the same time, there are no scandals, the wife does not add salt to her ex-husband’s sugar bowl, and he does not leave behind a flood to spite his ex-wife. Do you think this only happens in movies or in some other life, but not in Russia?

    The vast majority of divorced people have completely different behavior as a matter of course: scandals that reach the point of assault, loud divisions of property in court and dumping buckets of dirt on their ex-spouse. It's like that. But a prosperous life together after a divorce is possible if both spouses are adequate people. Moreover, not one of them burns with passion for the former “most Great love" But sincere respect remains. After all, it happens that people separate because they are bored with each other, they have no common interests, but they want their own lives.

    But if the ex-husband is an alcoholic or a tyrant, then it is extremely difficult to come to an agreement with such a person. You can waste a lot of nerves and energy, and the situation will only get worse. In this case, there is only one way out - to live separately. Even if exchange is not possible, you can sell your share in the apartment. And use the money as a down payment on a mortgage. You can just rent an apartment. Yes, it’s a shame to pay money for someone else’s housing. But is it better to live with a person for whom there are no feelings left except hatred? No square meter of even the most elite living space is worth human health and happiness.

    Sometimes spouses realize that they were in a hurry with the divorce. Often understanding comes even before the divorce stamp appears in the passport. And then both begin to delay the move, finding thousands of good reasons. Suddenly the wife notices things that she had long forgotten about. It turns out that the husband has golden hands, he loves the child and knows a lot of children's fairy tales. And he is not boring at all, but serious and responsible. The ex-husband comes to understand that ex-wife not that much of a hysteria. Well, just think, a little eccentric. This even has its own charm. This is what happens when divorce happens in the heat of the moment. If you are still young, and the spouses have not learned to resolve conflicts. And sometimes being forced to live together after a divorce turns out to be a blessing. The spouses make peace and then live together happily ever after.

    It is not so important why divorced people who are already strangers, in fact, have to live together. It is much more important to have self-esteem and not to stoop to grandiose military operations and complex intrigues. The situation will be resolved sooner or later, but respect not only for your ex-spouse, but also for yourself can be lost forever.

    Many people after a divorce try to learn to live again. This difficult stage can be overcome if you know how to properly distribute your strength and emotions.

    • betrayal of one of the spouses;
    • sexual disorders;
    • incompatibility of spouses (character, outlook on life, value orientations);
    • insurmountable difficulties in building family relationships;
    • inability to resolve conflict situations;
    • addiction of one of the spouses (alcohol, drugs).

    Other causes of divorce have also been identified. They are less common, but have statistical significance:

    • living conditions;
    • infertility of one of the spouses;
    • differences in the issue of raising children.

    Is there life after marriage breakup?

    Divorce is always a stressful situation, even if it is the result of many years of discontent and was predictable. If the proposal to separate comes unexpectedly, then this is double stress. Under such circumstances, people lose the meaning of life.

    But it also happens that people get divorced because this is the only way out of a difficult life situation.

    Of course, there is life after divorce, but different people make different efforts to move on with their lives. And first of all, you need to learn to fight sympathetic views, rejoicing at the new day and new opportunities for finding happiness.

    The Importance of Self-Awareness

    Knowing how to use self-analysis techniques is very important. It consists of the following: the history of marriage is recorded in chronological order - from the beginning of acquaintance to the breakup.

    It is necessary to note as many facts as possible:

    • quarreling;
    • conflicts;
    • controversial situations.

    All these points must also take into account the result, whether a compromise was reached or disagreements remained. An important circumstance is the coincidence of the desires and values ​​of the spouses.

    By doing this kind of work, you can easily track the qualities that you would like to see in your future partner and spouse.

    Forgive and let go of the past

    So, the past has been studied in detail, all the necessary conclusions have been drawn, and it’s time to move on with our heads held high. It's time to turn the page and start a new chapter in life.

    A person who has experienced a divorce divides his journey into two stages: “before” and “after”. And a new page will begin only at the moment when the person is ready for it.

    But divorce proceedings may have different results: for some it will serve as an impetus and force them to move forward and develop, while others will enter into a sluggish state. It happens that a person is overwhelmed by both – in one area he is on the rise, in another – activity declines sharply.

    The specific influence depends on the characteristics of a particular person:

    • emotional and stress stability;
    • dependence on a spouse;
    • support from family and friends;
    • involvement in any activity.

    Sometimes divorce affects a variety of feelings, including revenge. In such a situation, one of the spouses may try his best to maintain the old relationship in order to further humiliate the ex-husband or wife, blaming and hating the person for the suffering caused.

    Such attempts are only destructive. They do not allow recovery emotional sphere, thereby dragging a person into past memories, but after a divorce it is necessary to think about the present and the future.

    Some people are trying to restore justice, which, in their opinion, means that the offender goes through all the hardships that fell on the shoulders of the divorce victim. Such attempts often cost more than the actual damage caused, because dwelling on the past is a continuation of the painful struggle.

    Sometimes after a divorce a person accepts everything possible ways move on from the past, but cannot let go of the situation, the internal resentment is so strong.

    Talking with trusted friends or a psychologist will help you forgive mistakes and see the situation from a different angle. Do not underestimate such a method as keeping a diary, because... Not many people can open up to people around them, and they consider it more acceptable to make personal notes.

    Even if the divorce process killed any desires, you need to force yourself to go out into the world around you:

    • communicate with interesting people;
    • attend concerts and exhibitions.

    The best revenge for a spouse who left the family will be the ability to be a happy person even after a divorce. But true recovery after divorce lies in achieving a state in which there is simply no desire to prove anything to anyone.

    How to live after divorce

    With kids

    Divorce in the presence of children is doubly scary, because... one of the spouses left with a small child (usually a woman) is afraid of possible financial difficulties, moreover, reasonable people understand that little man both mom and dad are necessary, because education harmonious personality must be comprehensive.

    But practice shows that disadvantaged family relationships With constant quarrels, shouting and assault is an even more negative option for the formation of personality, so in some cases divorce only benefits children.

    At 40 years old

    IN mature age People are most afraid of loneliness and not being in demand. The children grew up and became independent. Family drama called “divorce” becomes painful.

    But the realization that since the family broke up, it was not a family - but an illusion, quickly brings feelings and emotions back to normal. The rose-colored glasses fall off, opening the way to new experiences and relationships.

    The reasons for separation at the age of 40 are waning interest in the spouse, lack of common interests and cooling of feelings. Age leaves its mark on each of the spouses.

    Some see themselves as still young, others - especially men - are afraid of the approach of old age. To feel younger, they find young lovers, and ultimately decide to divorce.

    In the same apartment

    It happens that after affixing the sad stamp, spouses are forced to share one living space. There are several reasons for this state of affairs: from the banal financial situation to documentary problems.

    Of course, the ideal option is to exchange an apartment. But if spouses are able to create a favorable atmosphere of living together under one roof, then this state of affairs is quite appropriate.

    Another question is if cohabitation turns into endless battles and acute conflicts.

    Second marriage

    For many, divorce is a chance to start over. happy life, so don’t get hung up on the number. It is necessary to soberly assess the reasons why family bonds fell apart and not allowed possible errors when building new relationships.

    1. No need to hide your grief and try to show others a mask of joy. It is common for a person to experience sadness, melancholy, sadness and a host of other emotions associated with the breakdown of a family. In addition, carefully hidden feelings negatively affect a person’s mental and physical health.
    2. Forgive the offender. You should not hold a grudge against a person whom you once loved and with whom you experienced many pleasant moments. Forgiveness is primarily necessary to free yourself from the negativity that needs to be left in the past.
    3. Can't be left alone. It is important to continue communicating with friends and attending various events. Left alone, it is difficult for a person to get rid of obsessive negative thoughts that interfere with a new life.
    4. Become a workaholic for a while. Let work take up as much thought and action as possible, especially in the first stage after a divorce.
    5. Internet to the rescue. Modern technologies allow you to visit a variety of sites of interest, dedicated to dating or hobbies. Such resources provide a lot of new information and allow you to communicate with people who have similar views on life.

    There is no doubt that living after a family breakup is not easy, but you can make this difficult period a time of positive change and new discoveries.

    Video: Psychologist speaks

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    American psychologists call divorce the death of a relationship. This is true. A couple who has decided to separate completely is, as a rule, not eager to communicate in the future. But in our country there are often cases when former spouses have to lead a life together after a divorce.

    Usually the reason for this is the housing issue. The spouses cannot leave immediately, since there is no opportunity to exchange an apartment or buy a new one. It happens that relatives of a divorced couple create obstacles to the final separation. Be that as it may, the ex-husband and wife remain living under the same roof and are forced to run a joint household. This situation has both positive and negative sides.

    • Difficulties of living together after divorce

    Of course, this state of affairs is always associated with increased emotional stress. If one of the spouses cannot, then daily existence under one roof will be filled with scandals, reproaches and exhausting showdowns. Life risks turning into hell.

    As the famous psychologist K. Whitaker notes, such a situation can also negatively affect the younger generation. As you know, this is a separate complex topic. Constant parental conflicts can negatively affect development small child and even a teenager. In such families, children become anxious or aggressive, they develop fears and lack of confidence in themselves and others. Such a life can lead to psychological trauma in a child.

    Another negative point is the fact that neither partner has the opportunity to arrange their personal life. Indeed, in this situation it is almost impossible to bring home a new passion. Especially if the former other half suffers from jealousy and is aggressive.

    • Positive points.

    It happens that a couple realizes that divorce was a premature step. After the passions have subsided, the grievances are a thing of the past, the spouses begin to understand that they are still attracted to each other.

    In this case, living together after a divorce allows the husband and wife to take a fresh look at their partner. Perhaps after a while they will even forget what made them break off the relationship, and they will be quite sincerely surprised, not understanding.

    Psychologists note that in such a situation one must be careful. It is possible that the revival old feelings- it’s just an illusion, and after a while you will again feel dissatisfied with each other. Before getting back together, you need to carefully analyze everything and think about how to avoid past mistakes. For example, if a man, looking at the now inaccessible ex-lover, rediscovers many positive traits in her, he should weigh the pros and cons before making attempts.

    • How to arrange cohabitation?

    If former spouses are forced to live together for some time, they will first of all have to resolve domestic issues. The most reasonable option in this case would be to agree on where things will be stored and who will use them on what day. washing machine. You can also separate food and even dishes. These measures are not at all unnecessary. Very often it is the smallest everyday things that provoke the most heated quarrels. Having discussed all such issues, you will make it much easier for yourself to live together in the same apartment.

    In this case, the former spouses will begin to communicate like neighbors in a communal apartment. If they have no complaints against each other, such a life can last for years. But if life together after a divorce develops into a war to the last bullet, and any word from your partner is perceived as a personal insult, you need to leave urgently.

    One of the spouses can rent an apartment or room or live with friends for some time. In order to maintain your health, both psychological and physical, you don’t skimp on any means.

    And remember, even if you feel nothing but hostility towards your ex, this is not a reason to descend into petty intrigues and lose your self-esteem. And if you are forced to live together, try to maintain what remains of respect for each other and try to solve this problem together.

    • Material prepared by: , consultant psychologist (RGGU, Moscow)
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