The girl is simply incredible and looks like an ideal? She can be pretty, charming and sweet. You've been looking for a girl like this all your life. You can spend a long time wearing rose-colored glasses in love, but the girl doesn’t always love you, even if she claims the opposite. She can date you, kiss you and be together at night. But she's using you. And the sooner you find out about this, the better.
Sometimes a girl dates a guy just to have a temporary backup option. With whom you can go to the movies, cafes and shopping for free. A temporary option for lack of a better one yet.
She is looking for a better and richer guy, but for now she is with you. As soon as it appears a good option on the horizon, you'll be left on the sidelines of her life faster than you can ask what happened. They'll tell you about past love or that you are not compatible. Common situation?
1. The girl wants freedom
The girl annoys him with her attention for several days, and then disappears. She ignores calls, messages and goes completely on the defensive. One can speculate for a long time about the mystery of a woman’s soul, but most likely the girl has other men. The girl may have one more admirer or several with whom she has fun. Naturally, her phone will be turned off, and she will not be found at home. They found a fool to shoot like that.
2. The girl doesn't introduce you to her surroundings.
The girl's friends, acquaintances and relatives do not know you. And when she meets someone, she introduces you as a friend. She tries to avoid joint photos on social networks and distances himself as much as possible. She's not particularly interested in your friends either.
3. Girls have flighty girlfriends
The girl loves parties and constantly disappears with her friends. These girlfriends, judging by social networks and conversations, are crazy. They look depraved and do not have the strictest moral principles. Ancient Greek playwright and poet Euripides as early as 480 BC. e. said: “Tell me who your friend is, and I will tell you who you are!”
4. The girl is not worth the plans
5. The girl has many secrets
Where does she spend her time, who writes and calls her? The girl turns the phone screen down when you are together, turns it off or hides it in her purse. She has 1000 secrets and mysteries. It is not clear where she disappears and what she does. She deliberately maintains an aura of mystery in order to hide something in troubled waters. It is likely that she is dating someone or is looking for someone.
Does it sound like the girl is using you as a backup option? Try to find out the truth and break up with her earlier. Let him go to hell!
There are various theories about which women become “spare” women. One option is that these are quiet gray mice who cannot or do not want to demand anything from a man and who are satisfied with this state of affairs. According to another theory, these are business women, sort of strong “emancipates” who simply do not need a permanent man (or husband), and therefore they do not suffer while being in secondary roles.
In fact, " fallback option"for a man it can become absolutely any woman: a gray mouse, a bright businesswoman, a simply charming, smart woman, and a capricious bitch. Marital status, character, position in society, moral principles, as well as the level of self-esteem do not play a role.
The first and main reason why a woman agrees to the role of “second” is mistresses- very simple: a woman considers herself FIRST. And not only the first, but also unique. A simple explanation for this: “a man cheated on his wife (or girlfriend) with me, which means he preferred me. And since he does this, if not with constant frequency, then at least from time to time, it means that I am undoubtedly better.” Moreover, a man can involuntarily make a woman feel that she is the only one, unique, that for her sake he is ready to do almost anything. He can show with all his behavior that his regular woman is not as good as you, and you can see this for yourself by looking at her. In reality, this woman may be beautiful, smart and interesting, but since you were chosen over her, it turns out that you are better than her. And the more interesting this woman is, the higher your self-esteem rises.
In such a situation, you will discover many traits in yourself that you had not noticed before. For example, a man inadvertently dropped the phrase that his wife is a hysterical bitch, and you immediately feel like a kind, flexible, fluffy cat. Or someone will tell you that his wife is older than you, doesn’t take care of herself, has gained weight - and you immediately feel super-slim and young. And such a story will be repeated every time you have traits and manners that are completely opposite to those found in that permanent woman. Moreover, having discovered some new quality in yourself, you begin to groom and cherish it, trying to look the most advantageous against the background of the wife or girlfriend of the man you used to have. Here is the first and clear advantage of the fact that you are just a mistress: you are improving while your wife is clearly relaxed.
"I am unique and the most best girl» - it is this thought that allows a woman to come to terms with the knowledge that she is just a “back-up option.” Her love, as a rule, is unrequited and often lasts more than one year, sometimes even decades. Where do these come from? strong feelings?
On the one hand, they are fueled by a man, hinting with his behavior that, in the end (when the children grow up, an apartment is built, his wife finds a well-paid job or simply gets fed up with everything) he will leave the family or his permanent woman and come to her - that unique and only one. On the other hand, the woman does not live with this man, she is not sure about tomorrow Moreover, she is in a constant state of anticipation and tension. Rare meetings, preparation for them, anxiety “will he come,” fear of being seen by someone - all this is the tangle of intrigue that keeps a woman on her toes. This tone is maintained by large hormonal surges, which together maintain a constant state of love, which is so painful on the one hand, but so pleasant and beautiful on the other. These bursts add sparkle to the eyes, liveliness, and some excitement, which, of course, makes a woman attractive. This is the second undoubted advantage that the position of a mistress gives.
But then there are the disadvantages. The mentioned hormonal surges do not pass without leaving a trace on the body. They are like constant "doses" of chocolate. It is known that chocolate can be called a drug and that addiction can develop from it. Besides, Mistress is tormented a lot negative emotions
: anticipation, disappointment from failed meetings, melancholy, loneliness, envy, jealousy, anger and God knows what else. It is difficult to imagine a more painful situation than that of a mistress. Moreover, it is a constant state of humiliation. Yes, it is humiliation along with a sense of one’s own uniqueness. Were you chosen over your wife? But that's just today. And the rest of the time they prefer their wife to you. It is the awareness of this that leads to the fact that a woman’s self-esteem suffers a colossal fiasco. And each is struggling with this fiasco in its own way. Business women throw themselves into their work and assert themselves in their careers. More homely women surpass themselves in preparing some dishes. “Golden girls” groom their bodies without leaving beauty salons and fitness centers. Many rush into fleeting meetings to assert themselves in sex, while choosing less experienced partners than the one and only. And often women get caught up in all of this at once. In some cases, when there are limits to reason and the situation does not reach the point of fanaticism, this is another plus. But most often it’s a minus. Because the very position of a mistress is, by definition, fanatical. After all, everything that is done is done with one thought: to prove that a man is wrong by choosing another.
Another disadvantage: the lack of realism in assessing a man, if not complete, then at least partial. Because the “spare women” either already have someone to compare with (in this case, the man will be the antagonist of the first chosen one), or there is no one to compare with, but then it is more likely to build a “child-parent” relationship, when the mistress acts as a little girl whom Takes care of an experienced mature foreign husband. The qualities that he displays in ordinary family life remain veiled, and the woman sees only a strong winner in all his greatness. Therefore, it will be natural to wonder why the wife does not appreciate such a wonderful man.
Such torment of the unfortunate “spare woman” raises open questions: how to get rid of the state of dependence on a man? How to force yourself to realize the futility of these relationships and ultimately avoid loneliness, when it becomes finally clear that the man will remain with his wife or woman? After all, until all this becomes clear, a lot of time will pass.
For a psychotherapeutic effect, it is enough to look at this situation through the eyes of a man. He has a wife or woman who has potentially been vying for this role for a long time.
Men, for the most part, are conservative and not prone to sudden changes. But very few people are able to stop at one woman. Men need risk, the position of hunter and master, the state of winner and patron, and at the same time a relatively free state.
Over time, a wife ceases to look like someone who needs to be looked after and who can slip away at any moment, so a man’s sense of self-sufficiency and self-esteem simply has nothing to rely on. A man simply ceases to feel like a man if his pride is not supported by anything. And then he goes hunting, where he finds one or more “targets” with the help of which he can assert himself from time to time. It is desirable that the targets be beautiful, smart, unique, and liked by other men, so that they can be proud of their prey and cause hidden envy. It is self-affirmation that is the sole goal of relationships. I emphasize this again in order to dispel the illusions of women who have been waiting for many years for their prince to finally drop everything and come to them.
The probability that he will quit is only 10%. Men are generally not inclined to file for divorce, although there are some.
For them, everything is familiar and many things are convenient. Men are conservative and are not inclined to change their habitable caves. If you marry someone you could hunt from time to time, then you need to look again for a new victim. Plus there is a big risk of getting bored with the beautiful smart woman- after all, she has more than enough fans. And at home no one and nothing is going anywhere. The most convenient thing is not to let go of the “pie in the sky”, and for this all means are good, for example, saying that she is the only one and everyone else is simply not worth even one hair of hers. And the main reason why a woman should not be let go is that she is always in RESERVE, not only for self-affirmation. Women’s logic is an incomprehensible thing, and wives who are cheated on are, as a rule, considered “capricious fools,” so you can expect anything from them.
Just think about your life 5-10 years in the future, assuming nothing changes. And that if something could happen, it would have happened long ago.
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08 April 2013 What should a real man? Probably, any woman would immediately answer now, if not with a list, then separated by commas. Should I? Have you asked men?
In some part, continuing the conversation that we started in the chapter above, we should admit:
Most men and women, starting new love relationships,
almost always has one more: either already completed,
or started a week or month earlier.
You don’t have to blush or pretend that what was said doesn’t apply to you. According to my surveys, at least 85% of men and women aged 18 to 40 and at least 60% of men and women aged 40 to 55 behave this way.
Moreover, according to my own observations,
At least half of men and women starting a new
love affair, continue to support
at least two or three more parallel relationships.
Let us now leave aside the ethical aspects of this modern mass phenomenon and focus on the fact that since all this is so widespread and generally accepted, it means:
Every girl and woman, starting to date someone new to themselves
a man, at least once in his life for some time will be
the second line of male relationships, his backup option.
Of course, this is normal and not at all offensive: after all, respected girls and women initially act in exactly the same way towards their new acquaintances and also take a long time to decide which echelon to enroll them in: the first and most promising, the second or even the third, as a last resort. However, since this book is intended primarily for ladies, it means that in this chapter we should talk about the phenomenon when your new acquaintance (all so good, polite, well dressed, driving a decent car, etc.) has been - three months of your relationship does not bother you for the very reason that he not only has a certain number of other girls, but, most importantly, one of them is the main one and, as men say, official, front or weekend. Well, in this case, you (since the main one is the main one, because there is only one!), of course, are only a secondary, backup, safety, spare or, as respected men are very fond of putting it, a kind of reserve parachute.
So let's talk about two things now:
How you can quickly find out exactly what your status is in the data love relationships and aren't you just a love reserve parachute;
About how you can overcome this not entirely pleasant status for you in a relatively short time and rise several steps higher in your friend’s love-female hierarchy. Of course, preferably at the highest level...
First, let's define what the status of a male backup option or reserve parachute is. What do men mean by these terms? Why do they need backup options?
Ten Basic Options and Functions of Backup Girlfriends
According to the surveys of men I conducted, there are about ten possible reasons for turning girls into backup options. Here they are:
1. The girl that the man met, according to his plan, is the same spare love wedge that, if necessary, can mitigate psychological stress after a long-overdue break in a long-term relationship with his other girlfriend. (Many men do not even break a previous relationship that is weighing them down until they have a backup option. However, this is no less common among respected ladies...)
2. The man already has a girlfriend with whom he has already established intimate relationships, however, he already wants sexual variety. Therefore, he gets acquainted with someone else in advance and waits patiently (but there is no hurry anyway: there is sex anyway!) until the time passes after which it will be appropriate and quite decent to demand sex from a new lady. As soon as new ones arise sexual relations, castling is immediately performed: the former main turns into a reserve (the frequency of meetings with her decreases), and yesterday's reserve becomes the main (they begin to meet with her more often).
3. The man already has a girlfriend with whom he has established an intimate relationship, but the level of their diversity and her sexual technique do not really suit him. In this case, he again gets to know someone in advance and waits patiently until the new relationship quite logically moves into the bed stage. However, in in this case castling will not take place when the first sex happens, but only when the man is convinced that in the field of sex his new acquaintance is clearly superior to her predecessor.
4. If a new acquaintance has upset a man because in the area of sex she is noticeably inferior to the girls that this man already had, she is automatically transferred to the reserve: they call her only when others are either unable to have sex for technical reasons (girls are away, they have critical days, they themselves started dating someone, etc.), or they refuse to go somewhere in nature or to the country (etc.).
5. The man met the girl in the spring-summer, seduced by her curvaceous (or, conversely, very slender) forms and communicating with her when she was wearing a minimum of clothes. However, autumn-winter came and it turned out that she had little money and therefore she was poorly dressed and no longer looked up to par. this man. In this case, the man continues to meet with her, but meetings occur very rarely and furtively.
6. Having already created a loving (and sometimes intimate) relationship with a girl, a man suddenly learns with horror that she has very important parents in their city or her past friend is one of the local “cool” and therefore advertising their relationship could pose a threat to his life , health, wallet and career. So you have to communicate by inertia (so that the girl doesn’t freak out and set her parents on the one who deceived and abandoned), but again rarely and not in public places.
7. The girl has such a bad character that almost every outing to the cinema or cafe ends in a scandal, and often with slaps in the face. Therefore, although I still want to date her (she has an excellent figure, good sex, she is wealthy and does not attract men big money), however it is better to do this rarely and secretly...
8. A man would be happy to communicate with his girlfriend, but she is used to living on wide leg, and he does not have the means to dine in restaurants or visit clubs twice a week. Therefore, he is forced to keep her in reserve, meets with her once a week or two, and at the same time he himself is friends with some less wealthy girl. At the same time, he admits the idea that, having received a promotion or earned more money, he will still be able to start communicating with a richer woman.
9. The man is married, has children and a sense of social responsibility for their future, divorce and create new family I don't intend to. For these reasons, he absolutely does not want to end up on the pages of the local gossip column because of his new passion: he is rare and in conditions of complete or partial secrecy. In this case, the girl’s functions are simple: the man brags to his dedicated friends that he can afford to have a beautiful and passionate mistress, and enjoys the sex itself.
10. The man is married, has financial dependence on his wife (or lives with her in her apartment or in an apartment that he cannot successfully exchange), with whom he has not had any decent sex for a long time. He wants sex, but he cannot create a new relationship with a rich girl because of his own poverty. So he meets twice a month only for sex (and also for drinking) and only on the sly.
Having listed these main situations, I really hope that dear ladies will not be very offended at me for speaking more or less honestly about what men are guided by when they determine the status of their girlfriends at the level of a fallback option.
Now let's talk about how any girl or woman (of course, you too!) can find out whether they themselves are the proverbial reserve parachute.
Whether you are still a backup option or have already managed to become the main target of your new acquaintance is determined quite easily.
Seven Signs of Your Reserve Status
in a love relationship
Most likely, you are sitting on the love bench and playing only in the second love division, if:
Sign No. 1. Your friend never (or almost never) goes out with you public places(they can see you there and inform the right person about it).
Sign No. 2. You see him exclusively (or almost always) during working week, and on weekends, as a rule, they are left to their own devices (at this time he is with his official girlfriend or wife).
Sign No. 3. Being next to you, he constantly and very tensely looks around (in order to hide from his acquaintances in time), walks with you along some side streets or very secluded places, gets out of the car for some business, refuses to take you with him and leaves him waiting.
Sign No. 4. Your dates are almost always arranged very spontaneously, unexpectedly and somehow even abruptly. He calls you at nine o’clock in the evening and offers to meet in half an hour (or even “hang out” for the night). And you painfully think: do you need it or not? (It’s just that a meeting he had already planned with someone fell through, and he already asked for time off at home, and therefore he simply feels sorry for losing an evening or a whole night without sex!)
Sign No. 5. Most of your meetings take place either in daytime, or in the evening, but always until 21-23 hours. (Later time is allotted for them to have sex. And, as you understand, not with you at all).
Sign No. 6. While spending time with you, despite the abundance of calls and SMS, he never turns off his mobile phone(and at some moments it could well be turned off!). And that's when you know that some nights he does it! (Because at this time next to him is the main option, in which it is very awkward for him to answer other people’s calls and call you with him and) the man is up to 55e! And perhaps at this time they are having sex...).
Sign No. 7. Then, when you call him on his cell phone, he can afford to press the reset button. But when you are next to him and someone calls him, he either immediately jumps out of the car into the street, or goes into another room and closes the door behind him. And it certainly never cuts off an accepted call...
These are the signs I was able to identify from the most typical male behavior during communication with those ladies who sit on the love bench. I hope that you have already understood how to determine whether you are a spare or a primary one. And you’ve probably already tested yourself and your love relationships.
If everything is in order with the overwhelming majority of the seven listed points (that is, they are not there!), then I can congratulate you: you are the main one!
Well, if, after reading all these signs, you realized with disappointment that you are an obvious spare, I will try to console you at least a little. First of all, let me remind you that.
Fallback status is for the beginning of modern
love relationships are almost a standard option
positioning of recently acquainted partners.
Secondly, this is only the beginning of a great love journey, the beginning of your love ascent!
Being a backup option is not a stigma or
an indelible stain on a man's or woman's love biography!
If there is a certain desire, ladies may well
increase their status in important love relationships.
And, it seems to me, you can safely count yourself among them.
And in order for you to know how you can improve your status and overcome the position of being a reserve, which is so offensive to your feminine pride, here are our traditional practical recommendations.
First. Use the technique of ousting possible rivals!
It seems to me that, reading the above seven signs of the “love spare” status, many ladies have already independently understood the main directions of how they need to act. I personally call this simplest tactic of female behavior the method of repression. She looks like this: To increase their status in a love relationship, ladies should:
It is important to make dates only on weekends.
It is important to make most dates after 20:00.
It is important to sometimes demand dates during the day, during daylight hours, when others can see you.
It is important to ensure that dates take place in the most crowded places in your city!
Don't spend your dates mostly sitting in the car or at a friend's (or your own) home.
And, of course, under no circumstances agree to other schemes and insist that this is the only possible options your friendship. And if you encounter some kind of resistance, it is best to immediately escalate the situation as much as possible, to pose the question point blank: if your friend, albeit reluctantly, still makes some concessions to you, then you have a chance to increase your status in the love hierarchy . If he categorically insists on his own version of the development of your relationship, I advise you to end this relationship! After all, you won’t play the role of some beggar who humiliatingly begs for one movie appearance a month! You certainly deserve better! Is not it?
Second. Try to look your best!
Find the courage to admit:
In any love, intimate and family relationships
there is always an element of your invisible struggle
with some of your competitors,
which sometimes you don’t even know exist!
And since you don’t even know and have never even heard of what those who your friend or husband may sometimes look at with such lust look like, you have only one thing left: ALWAYS look good!!!
In general, in order for your partner to castle and push some unknown (or known) competitor of yours off the pedestal, during dates with him you should always look so stunning (and even sexy!) so that his male vanity begins to work for you and he would really like to brag to the whole world what a luxurious lady he has.
A woman’s most faithful ally in the fight for a man
his own male pride and vanity!
Know this, always look your best and then your friend will immediately really want to go out with you during “prime time”, when there are most people on the streets and in cafes! And your competitors will immediately find out about you, throw your friend a hysteria about this, and against their scandalous background you will immediately become “white and fluffy” and your man will be drawn to you even more: after all, you, unlike them , not so scandalous and jealous (yet!), and you also look great!
Therefore, in addition to this advice, I give you one more:
Assuming that your friend has someone else, under no circumstances
don't argue with him about it
and do not conduct interrogations with bias!
It’s better to create all the conditions for him to determine himself on his own, and, of course, in your favor.
Third. Give your friend a gift first!
Men (as well as women) are greedy and stingy people. They’d rather drink the money away, but they won’t buy a single flower for their friend with it! And even more so, they do not invest money in emptiness.
Men spend money on women only if
if they are going to communicate with them at least for some time.
Based on this, I advise you to play ahead of the curve with your friend. Already at your third or fifth meeting, come with a small memorable gift: a fountain pen, a business card holder, a tie, a beautiful notebook, a money or tie clip, etc. and so on. And let this small financial investment of one hundred or three hundred rubles (some ladies smoke cigarettes or drink coffee for a much larger amount per day!) become a real litmus test for your relationship:
If a man doesn’t give you anything in return at the next meetings, it means that you have saved your life’s time and can safely say goodbye to him.
If he began to give you something, and moreover, it became more and more expensive, this is - sure sign that he is starting to get ready to invest money in your appearance. And here you can rest assured:
By investing at least some amount of money in your girlfriend
(especially in her clothes, shoes or jewelry!),
a man will definitely want to show off
to her in front of society as a whole and her circle.
Simply put, a man will begin to value you (and how can you not value you if you are so attentive to him!) and will begin to take you out into the world more and more often. And as you understand, it is precisely such cultural outlets that are the basis for your increase in status!
Fourth. Feel free to introduce a friend into your social circle.
If you want to overcome your reserve status at a particularly accelerated pace, feel free to introduce your new friend into your social circle. And don’t just introduce it, but make sure that this procedure itself is as comfortable as possible for him.
Agree with your friends that you will supposedly meet them by chance during your walk with a friend. Moreover, after you introduce him to them, they should say to him in unison: “And Lena has been buzzing our ears about you! What a smart and handsome friend I have! We didn’t believe her, we laughed... However, now we see the truth: our friend has a very decent gentleman... We even envy!” Believe me: if your man had a peacock tail, he would immediately spread it out of happiness...
It's the same with parents. Invite him to visit you so that half an hour after his arrival (before he has time to start pestering you), your mother (or mom and dad together) supposedly comes unplanned and also praises him in every possible way and approves of her daughter’s taste.
In exactly the same way, lure him to your work (in a university group or in a room in your dorm), to a corporate party or student skit. The most important thing is that he receives only the most pleasant emotions from communicating with your friends or relatives! In this case, he will be very pleased that he is so valued, and in return he will begin to invite you into his circle and will gradually become more and more attached to you...
We always become attached to exactly that person and that circle of people.
where, it seems to us, we are finally appreciated!
Keep this in mind! Use this psychological attitude to your advantage! Admire your friend, and then he will also begin to admire you. And it’s okay that at first it’s only to myself! The main thing is that your love affairs go uphill!
Remarque
In conclusion, I want to ask dear ladies about one thing: do not under any circumstances be angry with your men in the event that you have to start communicating with them from the level of a fallback option. And I ask you this for one simple reason. According to my surveys and observations,
Only one couple out of about five to seven has both a man and a woman
immediately put each other in the position of first lady
or the first guy in the village.
In most cases, for their prize place in the sun, partners
You still have to fight with someone. And often – for quite a long time!
So at the beginning of a relationship, it’s better not to be nervous or offended! Such is life and such are the harsh rules of the love game. Finally, do not forget that:
Love relationships are always fierce competition!
So it would be much more correct to show off the product, first tie your partner to you with your goodness, and only then unobtrusively increase your status in a love relationship. And having raised it, do not commit another typical female mistake, don’t relax and don’t rest on your laurels! Otherwise, these laurels will inevitably be taken away from you by some other energetic contender. The one who, just like you once, is absolutely not going to put up with the role of “always second...
Sometimes at night I wonder if you will ever have the courage to choose me. Will there come a day when you will be mine entirely, a time when you can love me with all your heart, without excuses, without reasons. Just you and me and our love. I wonder if you will completely erase her from your life, for my sake. Will the day come when you will make plans for the future with me, when you will become completely devoted only to me. The time when you will no longer have any options, only me.
But we both know that it will never be like that. That's bullshit. I want to speak honestly. So nothing will happen.
It may hurt you too, but it hurts me more. But I did it for myself, because I know that my future self will thank me for it. I know that this is for the best, no matter how hard it is now.
You know I have to end this, we have to end what's between us. No matter what, we both know I'm not in a winning position. I'll get more scars than you, I'll get more heartbreak than you. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we fight, I will always be weaker.
You can't imagine how hard this is for me, but I have to save myself from further pain.
The unpleasant truth is that I will always be your spare. I will always be the girl who comes after her. I will always be the girl who gets left behind, who cries in her bedroom, trying to figure out what I did wrong, where I went wrong, why I'm worse than her, why I'm your second choice and not your first.
I will always be the girl you love, but not completely. A girl you will care about, but not more than you care about her. A girl who will try to be the best, but still won't be the best, is not for you.
I will always be the girl you call after her if she doesn't pick up, if she's too busy. I will always be your backup plan when things don't work out with her. I will always be your refuge because you know I won't leave. You know that I'm always waiting for you, that's how much power you have over me.
And honestly, I should have realized this a long time ago. That I was not the first for you, that I am always next after her.
So today I'm doing myself a big favor. I choose myself. I put myself before you.
Thank you for always making me feel like I'm not worth it. That you threaten me, as if I’m easily replaceable, that you can leave and come back whenever you want, whenever it’s convenient for you. Thank you for never apologizing as if I’m not worthy for you to step over your pride and ego. Thank you for making me feel like I am the one who has to adjust my life to yours.
Because without it, I wouldn't understand who I am and that I deserve so much better than you.
So I'll stop waiting. I'll stop hoping. I will stop forcing myself to believe in a happy ending. Because I know the hard truth: I will never be your first choice...
Helped us:Oksana Fadeeva, psychologist
Relationships are developing. First, you meet a man, then you start living together, get married, have children, and so on. True, all this is possible if your ideas about who you are coincide with each other.
But it happens differently. The woman is ready with all her might to move from “we’re dating” to “we’re moving in together,” but the man doesn’t even think about anything like that. She believes that they are in love and only a coincidence of circumstances prevents them from immediately connecting on total square meters. And he knows for sure that he will not start a family with this eccentric young lady.
Yes, he may already have a wife or an official girlfriend. Or there is no one specific yet, but he still sees the other as the “main”. And this one is in reserve. It’s good, warm, comfortable with her - let everything remain that way. As an honest gentleman, he should clearly explain the situation to his girlfriend. But he is not like that. And so the heroine of our story continues to hope that one day my dear one will see the light and do right choice. The bad news: it won't happen.
Men with whom there is no future
And one more piece of “not so good” news: such stories are dragging on. "Although Usually it takes a man 6 months to finally understand whether he wants to see this woman next to him or not,” says psychologist Oksana Fadeeva.
And more often than not, insight happens earlier, and certainly with our dubious hero. We were perhaps a little hasty in accusing him of dishonesty. As a rule, the uncle says from the very beginning: “Darling, I’m not typical.” But not directly, but by signs. It's a shame that our heroine's code breaker is usually a lousy one, and there are good reasons for that (more on them later). But you and I will decode all the signals of the fellow.
1. He's unreliable.“Said and done” - this is how a citizen behaves, having a vested interest in ensuring that the lady does not get away from him. He promised to call - and he did. I wanted to invite - and voila. This is logical, he needs to convince the woman that his partner’s shoulder will be strong enough if something happens. If it’s the other way around, good luck: it’s naive to count on a gentleman who is generous with words and nothing more.
2. He doesn't invest in relationships. And interested in strong connection a man, on the contrary, invests in her - financially and emotionally. Helping a decent girl choose, bring and assemble new furniture is also an investment of at least time. By the way, about the last one. A person who is in a serious mood finds the opportunity to meet, call, write and does not disappear into who knows where, who knows how long, using the excuse of being too busy.
3. He does not find a place for his girlfriend in his life. He goes to visit friends alone. He doesn’t introduce him to his family. He attends cultural events with anyone, but not with her. There is simply no need for him to introduce a “spare” woman into his inner circle, because, in his opinion, they are not together.
4. He rarely takes the initiative. Accordingly, it is mainly the ladies who are doing the activity. He calls, writes, invites, offers. The gentleman agrees without showing much enthusiasm.
Reasons for this situation
What if a person really has a lot to do? And we immediately - “unreliable, disappears.” So you got caught. This is exactly what a typical flyer's girlfriend usually does - diligently coming up with an alibi for her hero. Her imagination is fine. It's a pity. “If a woman is forced to find excuses for a man’s behavior, it means something has gone wrong,” the psychologist says.
In general, the young lady has been implementing such a scenario for a long time. She started even before meeting her stray. And the man - such as he is - simply took advantage of the free landing strip, prepared in advance. " Stories like this usually involve women who are deeply convinced that they won’t get anything better.“, says Oksana Fadeeva, “and therefore you need to hold on to what you got.” What can be included in the kit?
1. Lack of recognition of one's own value.“Very often the ‘alternate airfield’ is a story about a girl ‘for someone’, but not for herself,” says the psychologist. “She’s used to being good, compliant, helpful.” She is always on the sidelines and thinks that if she ever pleases her properly, she will finally be recognized, loved and never left alone again.” My own life the girl considers her uninteresting, unimportant, not worth attention. But someone else, on the contrary, is endowed with excessive value. First, of course, the mother, then the man. He will come, take a nap, tell you something interesting - and then she will heal. In the meantime, stand still and wait.
2. Misunderstanding of other people which is explained by poor contact with oneself. Why install it if your life has no special value? That’s why the girl stubbornly ignores the warning signs: “Baby, you’re not really that important to me, don’t waste your time on me!” On the contrary, she rewards the dubious hero with non-existent virtues and composes beautiful story, reconciling with an unsympathetic reality.
3. Echoes of a negative family history. Too picky Aunt Vera remained a girl and now lives with three cats? Is your second cousin regularly beaten by your creepy alcoholic husband? But our heroine still has a relationship (even if in quotation marks), and a better man than some (also as if).
What to do if you are an alternate airfield
Psychologists are harsh: you can’t count on a happy ending in such a story. The most obvious thing a “spare” young lady can do is to slam the door in the scoundrel’s face. However, these are half measures. Even if she later meets positive character, he is unlikely to stay long. It’s not his fault, he simply has nothing to do next to such a problematic lady.
First, a girl needs to get to know herself closely, deal with her fears, admit own feelings and desires, take responsibility for what is happening (it all hurts, hurts, hurts), and then... Oh yes, the cherry on the cake. Do you think the wily man gets all the cream? But no. Sometimes even the lady is in trouble. " Healthy Relationships suggest gradual maturation of both partners, says the expert. “And where there are changes, there are inevitable risks.” In the relationships described, you can remain small, not responsible for anything, not making decisions. Fantasize and wait for recognition. Some people like it.
Are “person from the friend zone” and “alternate airfield” the same thing?
No. The difference is in the quality of communication between subjects. Let's say A enters B’s friend zone. Both have a clear understanding of what they can count on. From time to time we go to the cinema - yes. We exchange sweet little things on holidays – perhaps. Are we going to have sex, live together and have children? For mercy, for this we have (or will have) B and D. But in another situation there is not even close clarity. There is too much that is ambiguous, indefinite, and speculative – this is the key characteristic of the “alternate airfield” drama.
