It’s a magical state to breathe from meeting to meeting, from call to call. When the adrenaline overflows, you take wide sips of this spring cocktail, rejoice and live. You don’t exist, but you live, breathing deeply and enjoying every moment together. What it is? - Real love?
From love to hate one step. We remember this phrase from childhood and believe it, in fact, without understanding the true meaning of either the word “hate” or, especially, the word “love”. And at the same time, from the same childhood, many of us dream of true love, getting confused in elementary own desires, dreams, aspirations and stereotypes.
What is true love? How is it different from love addiction and love? How not to make a mistake?
It’s a magical state to breathe from meeting to meeting, from call to call. When the adrenaline overflows, you take wide sips of this spring cocktail, rejoice and live. You don’t exist, but you live, breathing deeply and enjoying every moment together.
What it is? - Real love?
Unlikely. Magically. But it doesn't last. The euphoria goes away quickly. What remains?
What is at the root of this attraction? We immediately talk about true love, we assure ourselves and our loved ones that this is exactly what we feel. And definitely forever. To the grave. Every time. But after a couple of weeks, losing the first intensity of feelings, we are already slipping away from the relationship. Are we surprised, disappointed or...
Or vice versa. We become tightly attached to a person, we grab his every word on the fly... We go crazy. We are completely dependent on him. We give ourselves to him to the last drop and expect the same in return.
What if we don’t receive it?
This article is about what true love is, how it differs from falling in love and love addiction. It will give an understanding of these states from the position of System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan. What exactly did you have to face?
And what to do so as not to go crazy and be happy?
But first, watch a short excerpt from a free lecture on system-vector psychology, where Yuri Burlan talks about what understanding a person will give from the inside:
What is true love: origins
True love at first sight? Many people dream about this, dream about this state, without realizing that we are not talking about love at all and, especially, not about true love...
All love states are characteristic of people with. And what exactly a person is able to experience depends on the development of the vector. The whole range of emotions from the hysterical desire “love me, I feel bad without your attention” to the contemplative “I love the world and I feel good if you feel good.” One root and two extremes. Emotion! Emotional connections. Attachment. Love. Love. Passion.
What is true love and infatuation?
Falling in love covers us like a wave. Instant and crushing, dulling the sense of reality and bringing the whole world down on one’s head, without giving time and opportunity to look back, think, accept... It is bright, emotional, this is a peak that can just as quickly and easily decline and disappear altogether. Sometimes right away. Sometimes after a while.
She is, at times, quite hysterical, absolutely emotional and not deep. This condition is typical for almost all people with a visual vector. This is a dispersion of feelings, the euphoria of a nascent relationship. It has an indirect relation to true love.
Almost every one of us has encountered it. These are the same sighs, songs under the window, romance, a certain “rosiness”. What they sing about, write about, live and breathe. What skeptics laugh at.
This is an absolutely normal state for the viewer. People with a visual vector are unusually amorous. They instantly build emotional connections. Moreover, often in large quantities- with different objects.
No matter how strong the love may be, do not forget that this phenomenon is temporary. It can become the basis for a relationship. But it will never be their only component.
It can develop into wild passion or addiction. And it can bring burning pain. Or joy.
What is true love and love addiction as the opposite of true love
Love addiction is one of the most painful conditions that a person can experience. “Unrequited love” is often accompanied by precisely this, turning the soul inside out and discoloring the world. Under certain conditions, the viewer is able to create emotional connection with one person, bringing down all your feelings on him. Literally drowning him in a volcano of passions.
A person with a love addiction is tightly attached to the object of his passion. She thinks about him around the clock. Hysterical, not receiving enough attention. It is worth noting that any attention, any response will be insufficient. All the time a person is not enough, his words are not enough, his actions are not enough... not enough! I want him to completely dissolve in the relationship.
The deep processes here actually come down to an urgent need to be visible. And get what you so desire, no matter what.
At the same time, the person who becomes attached often thinks that he lives for the sake of this person (and in fact lives for him and exclusively for himself), that this is true love. “It blew my mind,” “he drives me crazy,” “I can’t help but see him,” “I don’t want to live without him.” This is just hysteria caused by one single desire - to get the person completely.
No matter how much it hurts. No matter how you convince yourself that you really love, you need to get rid of love addiction. This is a destructive state, emotional swings that under no circumstances can become the basis for a relationship. This is in the visual vector, a painful state, dissatisfaction that tears you apart from the inside, and also crushes the life of someone who is so dear to you like a hurricane.
What is true love as it is?
True love is calm and majestic. She doesn’t swing you like a pendulum, she doesn’t throw you into a storm. She is like the sea, slightly touched by a warm breeze. Warming. Warm. Creative. She has no hysterics or fear. And there is no pain either.
If this is True Love, then there is no selfishness and no desire to be loved. She has a desire to give. Don’t say that “I’ll throw the whole world at his feet,” but really give.
True love is contemplative. Only people with a developed visual vector who do not experience fear are capable of it. Having pushed out all their natural fears through compassion. It is impossible to truly love one person and remain callous to the rest of the world. In true love, the state is smooth and powerful. When you love, you truly see and love the whole world. And it, in turn, is painted with bright, amazing colors.
You need to learn to love!
How? Through the development of the visual vector. Through compassion. Learn to give. And receive only in order to give.
For a visual person, true Love is a cherished state to which he subconsciously strives. We write about it, sing, talk about it, breathe it. But we don't know how to love. Get rid of fears to learn. And be happy.
Listen to what Julia says about how her relationship with her husband changed when she learned to love, and not demand love for herself:
The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»
If you look at the statistics of divorces in our country, it becomes clear that most people perceive the candy-bouquet period as romantic dates, gifts and new experiences, like true love and a guarantee of family happiness until the end of days. But walks under the moon are replaced by ordinary everyday life, everyday troubles and financial problems arise, passion subsides over time. At this moment, real feelings come, the desire to take care of a loved one, protect him and share all the difficulties. So how can you distinguish sympathy and infatuation from sincere love?
Does love exist
The question of whether true love exists excites the minds of people regardless of gender and age. Of course, most of them will give an affirmative answer, because this high feeling can not only be felt, but also seen in the eyes of lovers.
Scientists and psychologists say that if it is real, it happens only at first sight. To feel the kinship of souls, a person needs only half a minute. It is during these 30 seconds that we are able to assess the external characteristics, temperamental characteristics and mentality of our future lover. Someone will want to argue with this opinion, arguing that they felt love only after a few months or years of dating. This can also be explained - at the time of the meeting, you simply could not have been ready for further developments of events or were too busy with the other person. Later, our brain will fully process the information and give a signal about the emergence of love.
Both a man and a woman, before feeling true love, first feel sexual attraction, attraction at the hormonal level. Lovers become more emotional and want to be close to the object of passion.
Then the next stage begins - a time of stability and attachment on an emotional level, which is caused by the release of certain hormones. According to scientists, this phase lasts only 4 years, after which many families break up.
Couples who are together long years, do not have a hormonal connection, their relationship is based on certain universal human values, to some extent, this can be called friendship, reinforced by intimacy. 
Signs of true love
How to test love
Women ask this question both at the very beginning of the development of a romance, and already in marriage, when it seems that feelings have cooled slightly and gray everyday life has erased the former sharpness of sensations. If your man suddenly stops giving flowers and gifts or stays at work a little longer than usual, this does not mean a lack of love; the reasons may be quite real - heavy workload or financial troubles. In any case, you shouldn’t guess with chamomile, but rather find out how the stronger sex in love actually behaves.
- For real loving man will never bring physical or heartache to his chosen one. She will not need to prove her devotion and fidelity and earn the respect of her partner; this evidence is already stored in his heart.
- A loving person is ready for any difficulties, everyday and financial troubles. It's ready to be created strong family and the birth of children. A man who values his soul mate will do everything to make her feel happy and protected from life’s adversities.
- Proof of true love can be a man’s desire to constantly be near his lady’s heart, to spend all his time free time with her and by any means to achieve reciprocity.
- A man always wants to help and support, you can always rely on him. He forgives some whims, shortcomings and shares the opinion of his beloved even if it is not always true.
- A guy who has sincere feelings is ready to do a lot for the sake of his beloved - to refuse communication with certain people and bad habits, earn more money, completely change your lifestyle.
- If you want to test the authenticity of a fan's feelings, deny him sex or break off the relationship altogether. A loving person will not let go of the one who is dear to him and will continue to look for meetings and seek favor.
- Maybe, The best way Finding out how a guy treats you is a disease. IN difficult situation he will definitely ask about your well-being and offer help.
“Love” is a six-letter word that everyone has probably thought about. It scares some and inspires others. Love has been a subject of discussion and heated debate throughout human history. So what is love?
This eternal question is asked by every teenager in love, every poet and philosopher, like curious scientists. We have the answer to this heartbreaking question.
This largely depends on your view of this fact.
Let's look at several points of view:
There are different definitions of love
From a romantic's point of view, love is something idealistic. What is love for you? Do you think it should be easy, unburdensome and non-divisive? Or perhaps you believe that lovers should always understand each other? If you take this position, it means you are a romantic at heart.
I don’t want to disappoint you, but it’s unlikely that true love is love at first sight. In fact, relationships, just like feelings, need to be worked on to maintain them. According to Sally Connolly, a therapist with thirty years of experience, holding on to the idea of true love can be detrimental to your relationship. From her point of view, this is our sense of touch.
If you are more of a practical person, then you may believe that love is purely physiological. That is, the definition of love is given from a purely scientific point of view. Scientists from Switzerland at the University of Bern conducted a study on the connection between our sense of smell and attraction to another person. They discovered that the presence of a major histocompatibility element in a person's DNA genes can make us fall in love with someone else.
From a realist's point of view, love is like an ocean. A healthy perception of love is to know that it is constantly changing, not in one state. This definition of love has the most adequate and normal understanding of this intangible feeling. But understanding what love is is definitely not easy. Love requires hard work on yourself, which in the future will bring you a fulfilling and long-lasting relationship.
What is dislike?
While the definition of what love is may depend on how you personally interpret the meaning of that feeling, then there are some very clear facts that determine that what you are experiencing is not love. Look:
Infatuation or love?
Falling in love is a feeling that occurs at the beginning of a relationship. The love that keeps us up at night, distracts us during the day and keeps us in high spirits is just infatuation. Falling in love is easy to confuse with love. Being in love, many of us fall into this trap again and again. Ask yourself, is this love? If this is something that exclusively dominates your relationship, chances are it won't last. Real love is a long-lasting and strong feeling.
Passion or love?
Passion can be mistaken for love. How can you tell it apart? If you are more interested in sex than in communicating with the person, spending time together, or if you run away immediately after sex, it is most likely just lust, not love. You can easily get confused in these two feelings, because each of us wants a big and bright feeling, to meet our half, and sometimes we deceive ourselves, replacing one concept with another, which, in fact, has nothing to do with reality. You can easily skip this and continue such empty relationships, because parting with people is always difficult. We can say that you were captured by your fantasies, you came up with something non-existent instead of living real life, in which there are real feelings.
Friendship or love?
Friendship and love are often so similar that it can be easy to get confused and mistake one for the other. This happens because we also feel a feeling of love for our friend, but it is a different kind of emotion. It is easy to confuse friendship with love because we spend a lot of time with our friends and simply cannot imagine our life without them. This is what we experience towards people close to us. The boundaries of such feelings can sometimes be unclear. Therefore, if you doubt something, try to look at the person from the point of view of chemistry, so to speak, whether you are physically attracted to him. In general, the stronger our feelings for another person, the higher the likelihood that this is love, and not just friendship.
Emotional dependence or love?
Sometimes we may be sure that we are in love, but in fact, we are in captivity emotional dependence. What can you say about this? There are a couple of questions you can ask yourself.
- Do you tend to idealize your partner?
- Or is the way he treats you more important to you than the person himself?
If you answered yes to these questions, you may be in an emotionally dependent relationship that is not loving. If you truly understand that you are emotionally dependent on your partner, you should not be too upset and scold yourself. It is very easy to fall into this trap. Many components of emotional dependence, such as idealization of a partner and fear of losing him, can be present in relationships built on love, but sometimes this can go too far. Remember, you are an individual, just like your partner. True love gives us the opportunity to be who we really are.
What is love?
Now we know a little about what love is. But it is still impossible to give a definitive answer to this question. Love is an intangible, high, unpredictable, tender and natural feeling. It is far from perfect and gives us the opportunity to experience emotions that are opposite to ourselves: anger, fear, sadness, pain. Love cannot be bought, it is impossible to pay for something, we cannot demand reciprocity in love. Love appears and exists on its own, without any conditions. Understanding these factors is the first step to finding your true love.
"Love" is very interesting word. We say it quite often. "I like chocolate". "I don't like oatmeal." "I love Sasha". "I Love Mom". "I do not like rain". But if you ask us what “to love” or “love” means, we are unlikely to be able to give a quick and clear answer. And of course, different people will give very different answers. Perhaps you have never thought about this topic. “What is there to think? Don’t I really know what love is?”
On the one hand, you are right. Love is common to all of us, love is the natural state of man. On the other hand, the average modern person has gone so far from his natural state that there is little love left in him. But the word “love” has been preserved in the language. So they call it any attachment.
However, this is not only a problem modern man. Misconceptions have always existed. Remember the story of Romeo and Juliet? This story was written in ancient times, but even then the author called the relationship between the characters love. But was there really love in the relationship between Romeo and Juliet?
Alas, art has the ability to convincingly pass off lies as truth. Trusting the beauty of art, we involuntarily trust the thoughts of the author. And the author does not have to be a sage and a know-it-all. For us to remember him centuries later, he must be a brilliant artist, nothing more. How many artists of all times and peoples mislead us, poeticizing their delusions of youth!
The geniuses of ancient times are echoed by modern “pop” of all genres, which will be forgotten faster than dirty puddles dry up in sunny weather. But we trust this foam too. How can you not believe it if everyone sings the same thing?
Let's dispel this romantic fog and talk about love soberly and seriously.
What is love
Love belongs to the sphere of the intangible, to the spiritual area of our life. But the spiritual is only partially cognizable by us. No one can say that they know everything about love. But, nevertheless, many properties of love are known, some patterns of its strengthening and disappearance. And knowledge of these individual qualities of love is of great value for that person who wants to love and be loved.
What love is not
Let us begin by considering those qualities or definitions that are unfairly attributed to love.
"Love is just by-effect sexual desire."
This misconception does not even deserve detailed consideration. Its fallacy is obvious from the fact that there is love between parents and children, love between friends, and people with an undeveloped or extinct sexual sphere are also capable of love. Love can be directed towards objects with which sexual interaction is impossible. We sympathize with those who think this way.
"Love is a feeling."
Certain feelings are just one of the qualities of love. It is more correct to say that love is a state.
When a person is in a state of love, he is in this state entirely, and his whole life changes. He's getting more love to all people. New talents awaken in him or previously discovered ones flourish. He has more vitality.
If there are only feelings, but not all these changes, this is not love.
"Love is passion." "Love is torture." "Love is pain". "Love is a disease."
This is the most common mistake, so let's look at it in more detail.
The root of this mistake is in our childhood. Unfortunately, almost all of us are unloved children. Very few can boast that they parental family was perfect. That mom and dad were each other's first and last. That they were always together and truly loved each other and us children, giving us the necessary fullness of their time and their love.
And if we have received at least a little less, then, without realizing it, we try to compensate for it in love relationships. That is, to compensate with the love of other people for us the love not received from our parents. If in love a person strives more to give, think and care about the happiness of his loved one, then in passion a person engages in vampirism. In passion, we intensely control how they treat us, whether they give everything to us, whether they let someone else into their hearts. Passion is characterized by jealousy, imaginary sacrifice (or salvation), when we are ready to do a lot for a person, but in exchange we demand his soul, completely depriving him of freedom. Passion is selfishness, and selfishness is the opposite of love.
And who likes being deprived of freedom, being jealous, demanding, drawing all the juice?
Therefore, relationships of passion are always painful. Where there is passion, there is torment, pain, and illness.
The saddest thing is that all the love hopes of a passionate person are doomed from the very beginning. You cannot compensate with the help of other people parental love. Everything falls through like a leaky vessel. We need to fix the hole first...
Great dislike in childhood leads to strong passion, which psychologists call addiction. The expression of this passion can be not only love addiction, but also drug, alcohol, gaming, etc. These are diseases. And, unfortunately, very common. There are many more dependent people than people who truly love. Therefore, the voice of addicts is louder. Their lies about love are more widespread than the truth of those who know how to love.
Romeo and Juliet also suffered from love addiction. This can be judged by their gloomy ending. Love does not torture and does not kill. Love is a creative state. A lover is happy simply because there is a loved one, that he is alive and well, that there is love. And dependence requires possession. Addiction is painful and often leads a person to thoughts of suicide. However, Shakespeare’s work also says enough about the parents’ dislike of these unfortunate young people. Therefore, the whole picture of the disease is clear - from the origins to the end.
"Everyone can love."
Rain falls on everyone from time to time, but the water is retained only in the whole vessel. It quickly flows out of the leaky one. Therefore, only spiritually holistic, adult people are capable of love. To gain the ability to love, you need to grow up, conquer your addictions and passions.
"There is love at first sight."
There is love at first sight. But the path from infatuation to love is long and difficult. According to psychologists, true love comes on average 15 years after the beginning. family life.
“Sex does not interfere with love, but rather even helps.”
People are constantly looking for excuses for their weaknesses. “The fact that I often eat sweets has nothing to do with the fact that I have an extra 15 kg of weight. I’m just unlucky with my figure.” “The fact that I allowed intimate relationships with men has nothing to do with the fact that I still cannot create a normal family. I’m just unlucky in my personal life.”
In fact, it is connected. The fact that for several thousand years of human history women who lost their virginity were not married was not some taboo taken out of thin air. People knew for sure that family life with such a woman would be different in quality from life with the one they married as a virgin. With her you won’t get that kind of love, you won’t get that kind of family.
There are psychological explanations for this phenomenon. They say that a woman will remember previous men. They say that, having shown weakness before marriage, she can show it in marriage, that is, change.
But there is also something on a spiritual level. Sexual intercourse between a man and a woman is not a purely physiological process. It somehow affects spiritual structures, forming invisible connections between people.
Many women remember that their first man was very important in their lives. If it was a relationship of love, and virginity was lost, then the separation was very difficult for them. If there was no sexual communication, the breakup was much easier to cope with. Means, intimacy formed an invisible but strong connection between them.
It’s great if this strong connection is with the person you want to spend your whole life with - your husband. And if not? With the second man the connection is already weaker, with the third - even weaker. What kind of connection do you have with your husband? 3rd or 10th?
If Bulgakov’s words about sturgeon are true, that they are only of the first grade and no one else, then about love relationships - even more so. And our ancestors agreed only to the first grade. And we, imagining ourselves as gourmets and fine connoisseurs of the various benefits and conveniences that civilization gives us, at the most important thing, often eat simply garbage.
Of course, all of the above also applies to men. After all, at the other end of the invisible thread emanating from a woman is a man. Therefore, a man has no less responsibility for maintaining his purity than a woman.
What happens? Husband with past connections intimate relationships involved with several women. These women are still connected to someone else. The wife is also involved with several men. And they are not the last in the chain. It turns out that we don’t have families, but some kind of perverted super-Swedish families. In them we are invisibly united with people, some of whom we might not even shake hands with...
There are no scientific explanations for this phenomenon. But the fact remains a fact, and everyone can see confirmation of it in their lives: with each new intimate relationship, we waste something in our soul, and it becomes more and more difficult for us to love. Each new love (accompanied by sex outside of marriage) is of a lower grade compared to the first love. At the same time, passions may increase, but passion will not replace love for us...
The path to love is not through sex, but through friendship. Psychologists say that the reason that people are in a hurry to get closer physiologically is their inability to get closer spiritually. People, especially young people, have not learned to communicate and talk. They know how to get close only in the most primitive way. But, alas, sex without communication, without friendship is not much different from masturbation...
I understand that most people reading this article are no longer virgins. Cheer up! Fortunately, spiritual injuries can be cured—by spiritual means. Although, like physical treatment, such treatment requires time and labor. The integrity of the soul can be restored, invisible connections can be broken.
The path to healing is repentance. It is necessary to stop repeating old mistakes and repent. The amount of labor is proportional to the number of crimes committed against one’s soul. I don’t know if complete healing is possible without such sacraments Orthodox Church like confession and communion. With them it’s definitely possible.
What love really is
“The lover strives to give, not to receive.”
If a passionate, dependent person has nothing but a hole in his spiritual body, and therefore is a consumer, then the lover has within himself a source of warmth and light. And the one who has a source of light within himself cannot help but shine.
Sacrifice loving person, in contrast to the false, selfish sacrifice of the addict, is sincere. The lover does not keep track of what he has given and does not bill his beloved. It is important for him that his loved one is happy in the highest sense of the word. His joy is to please his beloved.
“Love does not limit freedom.”
Being independent, self-sufficient (he does not need anything from his loved one), the lover is free himself and does not seek to limit the freedom of his loved one. His sun is with him in any case, so no matter what the beloved does, his “sun” remains with the lover.
Of course, a lover strives to be with his beloved, but not to such an extent as to violate the freedom of his loved one.
“Love is the pinnacle of virtue.”
Love is the highest of human good qualities. Perfect love includes all virtues. If at least one vice remains in a person, his love can no longer be perfect.
This is how the Apostle Paul lists good properties love: “Love is long-suffering, merciful, love does not envy, love does not exalt itself, is not proud, does not act rudely, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (1 Cor. 13:4-8).
Why is love incompatible with evil? Because if there is something evil, that evil will manifest itself in our relationships with those we seek to love. Let's say a husband loves his wife. But he is not free from such a vice as envy. And it will happen that his wife will achieve great success in the professional field. And in some social circles she will be given more respect than her husband. Because of his envy, the husband will be indignant at his wife and will harbor a grudge. His love will suffer because it is imperfect.
What if there are several vices? Love is doomed...
Imagine the person described by the Apostle Paul. He is patient, merciful, not envious, not selfish, not mercenary, always calm, does not suspect others of anything bad, does not gloat, hides in silence or kind words mistakes of others, trusts others and relies on them, endures all difficulties. Agree, you can live with such a person. And as a friend, and as a spouse, and as a father or mother. It’s good to be with such a person, his love is reliable. It is impossible to quarrel with him! And it is easy for us to love him - with friendly, marital or filial love.
"Love is a gift from God."
Our understanding of love will be flawed if we limit ourselves to the idea that love is within us, and do not think about where it comes to us from, where it even came from. After all, the data of modern science refutes the possibility of spontaneous generation of a living cell from nothing. They also refute the possibility of the emergence of man through an evolutionary path uncontrolled from outside (the universe does not yet exist for as long as it would take for this to happen, according to probability theory). And even more so, there is no reason to believe that such a miracle as love appeared on its own, as a result of accidents at the micro or macro biological level.
The only theory of the origin of love known to mankind is that love is given to us by God. By His love and infinite creative power we were created by Him. Out of love for us, in order to save us, He sent His Son to us to preach and suffer to heal our sins. Those properties of love that we know, and which we listed above, fully correspond to the properties of God. God loves us selflessly. He doesn't need anything from us except for us to be happy. He doesn't depend on us in any way. He shines for us all, both evil and good, giving us all the blessings of the earth. He is merciful and easily forgives us. He gave us a complete, even terrible, degree of freedom.
And He gives us love for another person. What is love? Perhaps it is looking at another person through God's eyes. God, under the external dirt and tinsel, sees in us an immortal, beautiful soul. He sees not only how badly we live, but also how beautiful we are in individual moments of life and could always be. Mutual love is when God opens two people's eyes to each other. It’s as if he sits us on his lap opposite each other, hugs us and says: “Look, children, this is what you really are!”
It is no coincidence that mutual love a person who loves us helps to reveal our talents and good qualities: after all, he sees all the good things that are inherent in us, almost as clearly as God Himself.
And holy people love everyone. This means that, being in God, they see all people through the eyes of God. And that’s why they love us so much that it’s strange even to ourselves how they can love us so much. After all, it would seem that we ourselves know what we are. And for some reason God values the soul of every person more than the entire universe!
“Love is almost always mutual.”
Since love is given by God, who desires our happiness, it is not surprising that true love is almost always reciprocated. In rare cases, non-reciprocal love can be given to a person to solve important creative problems or comprehend some truths.
In most cases, " unrequited love“We are not dealing with love, but with passions.
Does love depend on us?
I highlighted this question because it is the most practical of all questions related to love.
If we accept the truth that love is the pinnacle of virtues, we will have to abandon the myth that love is like good weather, it comes and goes on its own, regardless of our desire. This myth was invented in order to relieve oneself of responsibility for the murder of love. After all, we have the power to recover from vices and acquire virtues. If we don't do this, we kill love. Love cannot withstand our evil. In irritation from our passions, we jump off the lap of God (after all, He gave us complete freedom, He does not hold us by force and from Himself) and stop seeing each other through His eyes. And after close communication, we now see each other’s shortcomings much more clearly!..
What are we focused on in our lives at the moment when we fall in love? On a career, on pleasure, on making money, on creativity, on some kind of success, on fluttering in the networks of some kind of addiction.
This means that we are almost never worthy of the love we receive for free. After all, everything we are preoccupied with does not lead us to virtues, and therefore does not bring us closer to love.
I am deeply amazed when I think about God’s faith in us, His patience and love, which prompts Him to give us a spark of His love again and again. After all, He knows how we will use this love in most cases.
How should we, in theory, react to this gift of love that “came unexpectedly”? Realizing that love is the most beautiful and valuable thing in our lives, we would immediately have to reconsider the priorities of our activities. When a child is born, much in the parents' lives is pushed aside, giving way to caring for him. It's the same with love. When falling in love comes, it's time to realize that love came when we were completely unprepared for it! Because we have few virtues, which means we don’t know how to love. It's like parents not having enough food for a child. Of course, we will put first place work on ourselves, caring for love. Otherwise this child will die of hunger. Otherwise this love will die.
This is what we should do if we understand anything in this life.
But what do we really do? In most cases, for us, falling in love is just an opportunity to get another pleasure, the pleasure of sex with a person who is especially pleasant to us. Instead of cultivating virtues, the result is an increase in the vice of fornication. This is the same as taking a newborn child by the legs and hitting his head on a stone. What concern is there for his food, what are you talking about!..
How God believes in us, how He endures this and still gives us sparks of love!
Or maybe he doesn’t give it to many, knowing what they will do? Maybe that’s why many people say that there is no love, or that they only know passion, that the sparks of love have never reached them?
Even if you belong to these last ones, all is not lost for you. Let us begin to learn to love now, conquering our vices, and God will give us His spark. And if we intensify our work when love comes, we will preserve it and over time we will learn the depth of true love.
How to work on yourself?
You need to overcome bad habits and do good deeds. Good deeds - only truly good ones - are necessary to bring us closer to love. Because a person usually does good things out of love. And if we, not yet having love in ourselves, already try to do good, love gradually increases in us.
But what if you are already married and are afraid of losing the love you have?
If you are afraid of losing, then you will find the courage to work. Family life is in itself a school of love. She constantly, several times a day, confronts us with the question: “Who will I submit to, my love or my vices?” This question arises when my wife asks (or does not ask) to take out the trash can while we are lying on the sofa. This question arises when the husband came home from work late. This question always arises when our selfishness tries to take over our love. Always tell yourself: “I choose love.” As one admitted in his essay a famous person, after many trials of family life, he made it a rule never to allow himself to say, even mentally, about his wife: “I don’t love.” This is a wonderful recipe. It just means that a person always chooses love between passions and love. He made this a rule for himself because he knows that he wants to keep this love for life. This requires effort and patience. But love rewards all efforts with interest!
Overcoming love addiction
I will answer the question of how to overcome the tendency to love addiction using a figurative example.
Let's imagine two countries - Russia and Belarus. There are oil deposits in Russia, but not in Belarus. Therefore, Belarus is dependent on oil supplies from Russia. This is an unpleasant situation for Belarus, which leads to conflicts between the two countries.
How can Belarus get out of this dependence?
No matter what values Belarus offers Russia for oil, the dependence will still remain. And if, instead of Russia, Belarus buys oil from another country, it will again be dependent. Therefore, there is only one way out of dependence - to look for and discover oil deposits on your territory and start extracting it. If Belarus produces a lot of oil, then Belarus will not only cease to be dependent on oil-producing countries, but will itself become a country on which others will depend.
The same is true for people. To stop depending on the warmth and love of people, you need to start generating this warmth, this love in yourself and sharing it with people.
Another example comes from astronomy. There are stars - hot celestial bodies that emit light. And there are black holes - super-dense cosmic bodies, which, due to their monstrous gravity, do not release anything from themselves, not even light, they only attract and absorb. In this example, the dependent person is like a black hole, and the stars are kind, generous people.
This means that a person ceases to be dependent if he begins to shine on other people and warm them with his warmth.
What is oil in the first example and light in the second? The “resource” that all people need so much is love. This is the most scarce and expensive resource in our time. No matter what anyone says about the value of money, fame, power, pleasures, without love all these things are not pleasing. And the one who has love is happy, even if he has nothing else.
Therefore, when we, overcoming our addiction, learn to shine for people, we need to carefully watch that our love is truly unselfish love. And not mercenary trading - I do or give you something material, and in return I expect gratitude or love. This is what dependent women do in marriage, and then they are surprised: “How is it possible, I gave everything to him, lived for him, and he left, ungrateful!” No, you didn't give him everything. You gave him only time and labor. It's wonderful if it's done out of love. And you gave him your time in an unconscious expectation of his love. That is, at the level of love, you were a vampire, tormenting him with expressed and silent expectations. And it is not surprising that he could not be a donor indefinitely (although outwardly he could seem like a lazy person who gave nothing).
Therefore, let us learn real love, real selfless glow. Remember, like Mayakovsky: “Shine always, shine everywhere, until the last days of the bottom, shine and no nails! This is my slogan and the sun!”
The question may arise: where can Belarus get oil if it simply does not exist on Belarusian soil?
This is where love differs from oil. If there is oil, it is there until you use it up. And love appears precisely when you give it. And the more you spend, the more there is in your tanks. By striving for true love, doing genuine good deeds, you will see how your heart is filled with love.
Love doesn't come out of nowhere, just like life doesn't come out of nothing. Love has a Source - like an inexhaustible reservoir of oil, like an endless ocean of light, in which there are more stars than molecules in the ocean.
This Source is so rich and so generous that it gives us love without demanding anything for Itself and only rejoicing in the fact that it fills us with love.
The time will come - and if you follow the path of love and want your love to be perfect, you will discover this Source for yourself, then you will see that you have found more than you were looking for...
By overcoming our addiction, we learn to shine ourselves on the unfortunate who need our love. Giving to people is no less pleasant than receiving from them. This is true independence, joy and value in life.
Dmitry Gennadievich, I read your article, it was very informative and super cool for me! Please give me an answer to one question. She says that she loves me very much, but she’s used to being alone and will always love the 3rd 10th, well, don’t waste time on me, you need a family, but I can’t give it to you, how can I understand her? Thank you. with UV. Rapper (Joe Fray)
Dima (Joe Fray), age: 27 / 03/11/2019
Thank you - for the sun-pierced, bright, unclouded View of the World - for the most sincere Prayer - Prayer own existence!!!
olga, age: 49 / 09.09.2018
Thank you) I found the article by accident and was surprised, because my mother said the same words to me. You just confirmed my thoughts and mom's advice, for which I express my gratitude.
Unfortunately, not a virgin, age: 17 / 21.03.2018
Thank you, you wrote what was somewhere deep inside me
Tanyusha, age: 31 / 01/18/2018
Thank you very much, I really liked the article, I agree with everything, it’s interesting what the romantic and intimate side of true love between M. and J. looks like, maybe there’s an article.
Katerina, age: 24 / 02.11.2017
Thank you for the article.
Lyudmila, age: 37 / 12/19/2016
Very often people try to explain things that they simply cannot explain. Just as you cannot hear radio waves with your ear or see infrared radiation with your eyes, so a carnal person does not understand the spiritual. We must think about the spiritual in a spiritual way, and love is the spiritual gift that we receive about God when we come to Him. God in Christ pours into us and with Him we receive everything that He is, including love, because God is love! Without God, we remain evil, no matter how hard we try to change ourselves!
Vladimir, age: 68 / 12/04/2016
Interesting article. One of the most capacious and at the same time broadly answering such a question as “What is love?” Thanks to the author, very cool, a lot of useful information in the article. My only opinion is that you need to give and radiate love correctly, and also serve people. Otherwise, there will be people who, to put it mildly, will begin to abuse your love and vampirize. And the same husband can build a career by receiving energy from his wife. And then leave, finding a fresh source of energy. It is very important to understand what kind of people you surround yourself with. And just like all cosmic bodies, people influence each other. Therefore, you need to consider what influence the people around you have on you. Respect and gratitude from the bottom of your heart are the most important things in communication. And most importantly, remain honest with yourself. Love and gratitude to everyone!!!
Tatyana, age: 35 / 09/23/2016
Sasha, age: 36 / 08/06/2016
Thank you for an excellent article. As one friend said, “The thinner and higher the matter, the more difficult it is to describe it in words.” Lately I have often been thinking about the essence of love, and this article is very consonant with my thoughts. The idea is expressed precisely and clearly, although the topic is complex and subtle. Once again I come to the conclusion that if I want to be involved in the miracle of love, I must work on my soul, on my vices and passions.
Anna, age: 31 / 06/20/2016
This is a good article, but not for the portal of realists, whose strength lies in the truth. Here, as elsewhere, there are philosophical speculations, and without evidence. I am very glad that the author of the article has found a state of love. Here the main emphasis is on the spiritual aspect (of a Christian sense) and the “by contradiction” method about psychological deviations. The main conclusion: love is spiritual work. But this is more like self-sacrifice or compassion, but where the hell is love?
Georgy, age: 28 / 06/17/2016
Thank you very much for your conclusions and reflections. They left a deep mark and response in my soul and I understood how to act further on my life’s path. I found answers to many questions that will help me move on with my life. Once again: Thank you very much!! !
Natalia, age: 38 / 05/21/2016
Reading this and similar articles, the already fading desire to do something appears again, we can say that this is some kind of inexplicable “motivator”, even despite the fact that, in principle, in my subconscious I understood everything that was written, when reading it everything again becomes into place, the fire in the soul lights up again, and God grant us THIS time to keep it longer. “Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me!”
Oleg, age: 18 / 04/14/2016
Thank you Dmitry, much is now obvious, much is clear, both mistakes and behavior), thank you and may God bless you)))))
Alexander, age: 30 / 02/18/2016
“Love does not limit freedom”... I got to this point and was completely exhausted... Excuse me... Well, how can love not limit freedom, huh? That is, live, my love, where you want, with whomever you want, do what you want, eat and drink what you want - and I’m already glad that you are somewhere... This is more like a mental disorder, not for love. If you love a person, you want to be with him, this is obvious! And if they don’t love you back, then they don’t want to live with you - this is also obvious! This is called loneliness - and it’s bad because of it, and not because of some kind of childhood dislike. Why dig so deep? A person lives here and now - if you are loved, you have money, interesting job- what do children’s grievances have to do with it?))) And if you got sick, because of this you became poor, lost your job, lost your money, because of this you got nervous, started yelling at your wife, your wife was offended and left you, etc., etc. p. - then again, childhood has nothing to do with it.
Kurrant, age: 36 / 08/26/2015
Thank you for this article, God himself showed it to me, because now I want to discover this source of love in myself, the one that does not seek its own - and be happy!
Natalya, age: 26 / 01/30/2015
I completely agree with this article, only after 10 years did I begin to understand how much I love my husband, and when he broke his spine and became a wheelchair user, we became even closer, I thank God every day that he remained alive and next to me, little who believes, but I’m happy. We’ve been together for 18 years, he’s been in a wheelchair for 3 years, I thought that over the years it would be more difficult, but strangely enough, on the contrary, it’s easier.
Angelica, age: 38 / 01/16/2015
Thank you, Dmitry!!! There is hope!!!
Ira, age: 34 / 01/11/2015
“But, alas, sex without communication, without friendship is not much different from masturbation...” In my opinion, masturbation is much better... But, unfortunately, if a person was unable to start a family, he cannot remain a virgin forever....
Zhenya Zh, age: 32 / 05/28/2014
That's it, I'm looking for true love! The world is not nice without her. and there is simply NO meaning to life without her.
Avatar, age: 25 / 05/08/2014
Dear Vladimir! Thank you very much for the article. I read it, trying it on for myself, and realized that I was still very far from true love. Keep writing articles like this, they really help young people make up their minds. God's help to you in your work!
Maria, age: 20 / 03/23/2014
Vladimir, God is love, this is the essence. True love comes from God, the ability and desire to love too, then how can you talk about love while rejecting the One who gives it?
Anna, age: 27 / 02/24/2014
Very good article! The connection between vices/passions and love is simply obvious, but, unfortunately, few people understand it. 7 vices from the point of view of Christianity very well describe the ways of deviating from a life of love and joy. Indeed, the majority says “I love,” meaning “I am attached.” True, I agree with Konstantin, religion was brought here in vain. It doesn't matter at all which God controls it. Maybe there are green men there, or maybe Love is God. The main thing is the essence.
Vladimir, age: 31 / 01/16/2014
thank you for the article, in fact, I had everything written before and only after reading it I realized that I had lost it, but I will definitely return it, thank you.
Alexey, age: 31 / 12/24/2013
Love comes like mother's milk. The more you feed and give, the more milk is produced. As soon as you stop feeding, it disappears completely. Thanks to the site as a whole and, especially, to D. Semenik and A. Kolmanovsky.
Sveta, age: 38 / 08/30/2013
I read and read, it seems like a good article, it postulates the right things, and then bam - and it’s impossible without the church. And I can’t take the article any further.
Konstantin, age: 24 / 04/23/2013
Andrey, age: 42 / 02/24/2013
God bless you, Dmitry!! In essence, you have outlined the dogmatic basis of Love in simple and intelligible language!!! Although I slightly disagree with some details, in general, your word is gracious and VERY NECESSARY for people who are confused in life, even not always only because they are evil! It’s just that not everyone knows WHAT priorities must be adhered to FIRMLY, until they bleed... In order to grow to real saving Love... Your position is very close to me!! Once again, huge gratitude to you from one tormented soul..)) )
Ilya, age: 52 / 01/20/2013
I'm afraid I won't find it the right words to express my gratitude...Thank you! Thank you! Thank you a thousand times!!! And thank God for pushing me to find and read your article! I read and find answers to many of my questions... This is how I understand love for myself. But for a long time I didn’t understand why she wasn’t in my life.. Now I know: I myself was not capable of such love, I didn’t know how to love.. And I don’t know how. And how much and for a long time do I still need to work on myself so that God will give me the opportunity to feel this happiness... By the way, I have already received one gift from God (although what am I saying, of course not the only one): it was while reading From your article, I realized that I have forgiven very important people in my life... Something that I haven’t been able to do for a long time! And.. several holes in the vessel of my soul, with God's help, managed to patch it up :)
Elena, age: 22 / 07.11.2012
I got it. Let's forget about sex and start loving. Just a joke of course. But this is the conclusion that can be drawn by looking through the article. But God gave us sexuality and sexual needs. So, in my opinion, to reduce the Love of a woman and a man to respect and friendship is not entirely correct. What arises in us when we fall in love?
Roman, age: 30 / 07/26/2012
Very good article, I read it. So you write “Love is almost always mutual”; it’s good that you wrote “almost”. I'm in this state now non-reciprocal love. This is when you give everything to your loved one, and you really want to receive some of his warmth. How to love when love is not reciprocal? Just keep giving?
Vladimir, age: 32 / 07/14/2012
That’s right. I think the same, and it’s not that I doubted it, but I haven’t met people with such understanding. Now I am happy because I read your article and my confidence has increased a hundredfold. Thank you! How could I now meet a person who also understands this!
Grana, age: 36 / 04/12/2012
Thanks a lot
Valery, age: 18 / 04/12/2012
(Morgan Scott Peck)
Consequences of premarital sex ( Nancy Vanpelt)
Love is not a feeling ( Morgan Scott Peck)
True love ( Philosopher Ivan Ilyin)
Love is one of the most subtle matters in the universe. This matter goes with us all our lives, starting from birth and meeting a loving mother and ending with death surrounded by grieving relatives and friends.
But despite the constant presence of love in the life of mankind, each individual often cannot distinguish love from similar, but very far from love, attachments. After all, our subconscious often plays along with emotions and plays against reason, which takes a person away from true love.
Let's try to determine what is often hidden under the concept of “love”.
Understanding(love in particular) is when thoughts are felt and feelings are meaningful. This is the basics. This is the foundation of love. Only when you feel your thoughts and think about your feelings can you achieve that much-cherished “Understanding.”
We will divide love into 3 conditional types and understand them very carefully (rest assured: this will be very useful to you in life!).
1. Codependency. Union of problems and fears.
People believe that they love each other because their problems are similar. This is a complex point and quite difficult to see and understand, so let's look at a specific example.
A man and a woman fall in love because they are similar in that they love to travel, but over time it turns out that their main and main similarity is not in their love to travel, but in the fact that they cannot live in one place (they get bored and bad) and they constantly need to run away from something and somewhere. Of course, in reality, 2 such birds with “broken wings” most likely will not be able to get along together, since their identical problems (which worry them very much), when united, will intensify many times, and the desire to travel will only be a temporary way to turn a blind eye to real problem.
In the end, they will simply start running away from reality in different directions and for one of them (or both) this will be the destruction of “love”.
We all really want to find people who are similar to us, but it is very difficult for us to find similarity in something good, and therefore we find similarity in something bad.
Very often in such relationships, people begin to play roles as if they were actors. The husband in such a marriage can play the role of the wife's father, whom she loved and appreciated very much, but who beat her for the slightest mistake. The woman grew up and found a husband based on the criterion “he beats and punishes me in the same way.”
The wife can play the role of the husband's mother. He loved and respected his mother, but she constantly watched his every move, limiting his freedom and his own decisions. The man grew up, established his own business, but having found a similar wife who, like his mother, watches over him, he could no longer carry on with his business normally and became a drunkard.
As the saying goes: “You find a woman like your mother, and then you remember that you “hate” your mother.”
In such pseudo-love, people constantly lie to each other about any reason, hide various meaningless little things and try to distort information as if they were working in intelligence. This is an unconscious attempt to “wash your hands” of such love - to run away and hide as quickly as possible. Our subconscious understands our problem, but we ourselves, alas, do not.
How to avoid such relationships?
Be a self-sufficient person.
Such a person does not need to run away from himself, he constantly moves forward and looks for new ways for self-development. Seeing an unstable person next to him, he will not follow her lead, but (ideally) will help him find himself.
2. Falling in love
This is the state that millions of partners mistake for love every day.
In fact, this is love based on “drug addiction”, in which the drug can be sex, tenderness, attention and any other positive that partners bring to each other. This love is very easy and fast, it literally captivates the minds of people and they can no longer be without each other even for a short time.
This is not true love, but it is an amazing love that gives a lot of joy and pleasure. The question is rather a question of duration: such love can quickly “pass”, and even very quickly, especially if the partners do not know how to build and develop their relationship.
This is especially noticeable when a person refuses to improve for the sake of his partner or when he cannot sacrifice something minimal for the sake of mutual happiness.
The difference between infatuation and love
- Falling in love is the following formula:
A person loves his partner because he needs him - True Love, with a capital letter (which will be discussed later) is the following formula:
A person needs his partner because he loves him
The difference might not seem big, but that’s the whole point.
Note.
In the stage of falling in love, there is no complex relationship building, since people in “narcotic love” always tend to simply close their eyes for the time being, without truly solving real problems.
3. True Love
True Love is a finite, immeasurable phenomenon, the foundation of relationships, which is stronger and more reliable than anything.
All further philosophical debates about what “love” is have no real meaning, since the famous psychologist E. Fromm found a simple formula:
I need a man as much as I love him
When you need a person because you love him - this is true love.
When you love a person because you need him, this is addiction, not love.
True love is NOT a drug, so if a situation arises where you need to leave your partner (if he has a reason to do so), you must understand it and let him go. This is unlikely to happen, since if this is true love, then it is mutual, but you must be willing to do absolutely everything for your partner.
In true love there is no deception, in true love a person tells only the truth to his partner (even if such truth jeopardizes their relationship) because he thinks about his partner and does not want to hide anything from him.
True love is a complex relationship building, which, even if very complex, in fact turns out to be very simple - this is a strange pattern-paradox that shows that in in this case any investment is worth the result - happy relationship in an atmosphere of true love.
How to find your true love?
You won't believe it, but it's quite simple. You don’t need to look for love, you just need to remove all the obstacles and difficulties on the way to achieving it. Accidents are not random, but only if nothing interferes with them.
Remember that when people find true love, they always become better, kinder and happier. They change in better side, since love is the foundation of happiness and life in general!
