No matter what morality, foundations and norms of behavior dictate to us, relationships outside of marriage have always existed. In harsh Puritan England and at the cheerful court of Louis XIV, women and men alike fell in love recklessly, without bothering to first check whether the object of passion had a soul mate. And then they suffered, were jealous, were tormented by doubts... But in most cases the result was the same, and two people who met at the wrong time diverged forever. And this cup did not bypass you? Well, let's look for the least painful ways out of the deadlock.
Psychologists have written masses of scientific treatises about why men have affairs on the side and will write as many more. There is also a desire to unwind from the family routine. And a midlife crisis, when a mistress is a means for a husband to prove to himself that he is “still wow.” And the pursuit of sensations is a slight “spice”; the danger of being caught adds spice to the relationship, which has not been felt for a long time in the insipid family life. Yes, and in sincere feelings stronger sex no one refuses. Indeed, it happens: the old love is gone, a new one is shining on the horizon... And yet, a man rarely regards an affair as something serious with far-reaching consequences..
It's the opposite with women. We leave aside young “sharks” who are aimed at hooking up with a wealthy sponsor and squeezing as much material wealth out of him as possible - from the first days of the relationship they understand perfectly well what they are getting into and do not need the help of a psychologist. We are talking about ordinary, “average” women who are ready to remain in the status of a mistress for years, be content with humiliating furtive dates and spend lonely evenings in front of the TV while the man returns home to his legal wife and children. Why are they doing this?
What is serious for a woman can be regarded as a casual affair by a man. - Love. It’s not for nothing that feelings are compared to strong wine: it hit your head, made you dizzy, completely turned off your logic, along with your ability to reason coldly and sensibly... And neither your wife nor your children seem like an obstacle anymore. Why, you have “the real thing”! Who better than women knows what intoxication with feelings is?
- Fear of loneliness. When time passes, and the long-awaited prince is hopelessly lost somewhere on the way to you, it begins to seem like it’s better to have some man nearby than no one at all. Maybe it will work out...
- “His family has long been a fiction.” And here the Don Juans themselves are trying, vividly describing to the naive listener the sad details of their lives. And they have long been like neighbors with their wife, and they are connected only by their children, and in general, a trip to the registry office for a divorce is not far off, but... Well, then follows a set of reasons, which is determined by the richness of the imagination of each individual man - from “wait until the kids grow up” to the unknown illness of the wife, who is not like a man to leave alone in such a situation.
Reasons to break up: pros and cons
Or maybe it’s not necessary to break off the relationship? It happens that a man leaves the family, and two loving hearts finally begin to beat next to each other. Even if rarely, even in 10 cases out of a hundred! What if you and your loved one are destined to get into the coveted top ten?..
Of course, you can take risks. If you're ready:
- wait a certain number of years until a man gathers his courage;
- diligently adjust your life to the schedule and desires of your chosen one, not being able to demand the same for yourself - after all, he has “circumstances!”;
- For the rest of my life, bear the stigma of being a homewrecker,
– then the relationship can be continued indefinitely. True, you will have to come to terms with the fact that the long-awaited divorce may never happen, while your best years will be missed. And keep in mind the option in which a man, after living with you for a couple of years, returns to the family he left behind. (According to the same harsh statistics, 70% of husbands do exactly this - after all, everything there has long been known, familiar and established, but with you you need to start building a life together from scratch) /
Seven out of ten husbands return to their wives Psychologist's view
Relationship with married man pose a number of problems.
First. They initially bear the stamp of something prohibited. Even if you profess the principle “all means are fair in love,” the realization that someone else’s family is collapsing because of you will poison your thoughts at least on a subconscious level. The proverb about happiness, which is not built on the tears of others, exists for a reason.
Second. An affair with a married man is doomed to failure in 90% of cases. And deep down, many young ladies are aware of this! Therefore, such passion, in addition to external pleasant moments, brings a lot of disappointments, bitter night thoughts and emotional wounds.
And finally, the status of a mistress significantly undermines a woman’s peace of mind. She does not go with her chosen one to corporate events - the man shows up there with his wife. Can't introduce him to friends and parents. She has no clear plans for the future, limiting herself to the vague “when we are together...” At the same time, the lady is deprived of flirting, pleasant courtship from young people, dates - everything that so raises a woman’s self-esteem, because she feels “busy”. As a result, it turns out that the man exists and, as it were, does not. Relationships are present, but without real emotional return and warmth. There are big doubts about how it will all end... What kind of female happiness is there?
Remember, in such relationships the woman positions herself as busy, and the man as free! 
‘When so much is behind everything, especially grief, don’t wait for anyone’s support, get on the train, land by the sea.’ Joseph Brodsky Breaking a long-term relationship with a man you really love is never easy. I want to wait; give a little more time to yourself and him; believe that something is about to change and your loved one will be with you forever... Don’t deceive yourself. If a man is ready to leave his wife, he does it quickly; if he is not ready, he never does. Look around! Why did you decide that it was on this person that the white light converged like a wedge? The person who makes you smart, attractive and self-sufficient! – to play such a humiliating role? Maybe you should value yourself a little more and look for someone who won’t go on dates in secret from his wife, but will surround you with the care and love you deserve and give you a full-fledged family?
An affair with a married man makes a woman a hostage to such a relationship, and although she clings to them, deep down she understands perfectly well that this relationship cannot end in anything good. Therefore, the first step towards your own liberation may be to find the answer to the question of how to break off a relationship with a married man.
What pushes girls into the arms of married men? Most often these are psychological reasons. Agree, not everyone is interested in waging a continuous invisible war with the wife of their chosen one, trying to get around her and be better than her. But many girls believe that they will be able to win the man over to their side and take the man away from the family.
Indeed, there are cases when a man, having fallen in love with another woman, leaves the family, but, as a rule, they are quite rare, and usually a married lover is simply content with the situation that has developed and is not going to change anything in his life.
Sometimes he immediately honestly warns about this, sometimes he simply openly stalls for time, but if you get involved in a relationship with a married man, sooner or later you have to make a decision about breaking it up yourself, even despite the feelings that you have for him.
In fact, it is difficult to break off a relationship with a married man because it is a kind of addiction, a disease that psychologists even called Marilyn Monroe syndrome.
You understand that you are no better than his wife, otherwise he would not live with her, but you still continue to hope that one day that happy moment will come when he will finally decide, but this moment still does not come, and you continue wait. And all this may last long years and almost never ends in anything.
Breaking up a relationship with a married man
Maybe you won’t believe it, but every man in the depths of his subconscious understands perfectly well that no matter how good his mistress is, no matter what lace lingerie she wears when he arrives, no matter how mind-blowing sex she gives him, if he exchanges his family for her , she will turn out to be exactly the same ordinary woman as his current wife.
He understands that sexy lingerie and exquisite makeup are a holiday, and in ordinary life a significant part is taken up by ordinary everyday life. In addition, he is far from sure that his mistress, although good in bed, will turn out to be a good mother for his children and a wonderful housewife.
If you are considering leaving a relationship with a married man, realize that his wife, who is waiting for him at home while he has fun, is his back. It was with her that he went through all the difficulties that he had in his life. She is the one who sits at his bedside when he is sick. Only with her can he really be sure of tomorrow.
He married her because he realized that he could trust all his problems to this woman, she would not leave him in grief, even though he leaves her alone when he is happy. Only with his wife can a man be natural and not wear various masks.
He doesn’t need to seem like a self-confident macho with this woman; she will understand and accept him in any state, even weak and helpless. He will understand, accept and lend his fragile shoulder.
As for the mistress... Today there is one mistress, but tomorrow there may be another. A mistress is temporary, it’s a backup option when you want to unwind a little and add adrenaline to your blood. And if she does not satisfy him for some reason, you can part with her easily and without regret.
First of all, you should be determined to end the relationship yourself. Think about how much time you've already lost and how much time you still have to lose if you continue to sneak together. But you lose not only time, but also the strength of your soul, wasting it completely in vain. In addition, even if you manage to take a man away from his wife, aren’t you convinced that he is used to deceiving, and, therefore, the same story will almost certainly repeat itself with you. Is this what you want? A man cannot be changed; he always remains as he is.
Once you allow yourself to realize that you are the subject of manipulation in his hands, and in fact he is more than happy with this situation, you must act decisively and without the slightest delay. You need to break off a relationship with a married man in such a way that there is not the slightest chance that it can resume. From now on, this man is an enemy for you, with whom you no longer want not only to see, but even to talk on the phone.
Let him know about your decision and ask him not to bother you anymore. Stop answering his calls. Do not call yourself and try not to meet even by chance. If necessary, change your phone number and try to leave the city somewhere, at least temporarily, on vacation.
When a man realizes that you are determined, he will resort to all sorts of tricks in order to dissuade you from this step. Yes, he agrees, you really need to break up, but let's give ourselves a romantic goodbye. Let this night be your farewell. Don’t fall for this bait, it will almost certainly start all over again on your farewell night.
Ruthlessly get rid of everything that may remind you of him - his gifts, photographs, personal belongings. All this must be thrown away, just do not return it in person. Remember - you should not see each other again under any pretext.
Remember that such love is somewhat akin to a drug. So you need to take your all free time so that there is no opportunity to indulge in sad thoughts. It’s very good if you go on vacation, especially to places you’ve never been before - new experiences will help you look at your life with different eyes. You will understand that it was not in vain that you decided to break off your relationship with a married man. If there is no way to leave, just completely load your life with work, sports sections, making new acquaintances, whatever. Just don't be alone.
Suffering is unproductive, it destroys your soul and prevents you from creating your own destiny. Think about how much time this person has already stolen from you without actually giving you anything in return. Is this fair? Get yourself in order and don’t sit locked up, look for your own happiness.
Start dating other men. You missed out on so much while you were with him.
Although no woman of her own free will would want to fall in love with a married man, however, such a feeling as love cannot be controlled and sometimes such romances still happen. However, as a rule, they end in nothing but bitter disappointment, so today I would like to talk about how to forget the man you love. If he is married. No matter how painful it may be, this issue has to be resolved sooner or later, since men rarely leave their wives for their mistress, and such relationships bring much more suffering than joy, to each of the three parties. Love triangle- a very unstable thing.
If you have made the difficult decision to break off a relationship with a married man, the first thing you should do is get rid of everything that may remind you of him. This concerns joint photos, if you have them, letters, SMS messages and gifts dear to your heart. Drive away the memory of past relationships from home.
Naturally there should be absolutely no more communication. Delete his contact from your phone, computer and social networks on the Internet. If possible, you should not meet in real life. Even if he tries to continue communication - this sometimes happens, stick firmly to the decision you make.
Women tend to idealize their lovers, but try to look at him soberly. If a man who promised another woman to be faithful to her starts an affair, you are probably not his first. And - not the last, believe me. Put yourself in the place of his wife - what would it be like if you had such a husband? And even if he leaves his wife and goes to you, do you think he will stop there? Cheating is the norm for such men in their lives.
Think about the constant hell his wife lives in. Surely they have a child, the care of which falls entirely on her shoulders. Mentally ask her for forgiveness for all the grief that you caused her - after all, she is not guilty of anything before you. It was you who agreed to become her husband’s mistress, thereby playing, it must be said, not the best role.
It doesn’t matter whether you believe in it or not, but the law of Karma works inexorably. Be sure that in the future you will have to pay for everything you do now. Try to atone for your sin before the higher mind as quickly as possible, using those spiritual practices that are closer to you.
Use these tips and try to break off your relationship with a married man and finally close this page of your life. Then, perhaps, you will be able to find your own, and only your own, happiness.
There are many reasons for betrayal and adultery, but it is unlikely that any of them can be justified. If you love a married man and you would like to end the relationship, there are several ways to achieve this.
And the more clearly you formulate for yourself the reasons why you do not want to love a married man anymore, the easier it will be for you to end this hopeless relationship.
A strong marriage requires as much effort as work. When two people tie themselves together family ties, they vow to be together through thick and thin. And the search for sources of adrenaline in the form of a connection on the side is simply entertainment, if not an escape from family problems.
A person’s unwillingness to make efforts to save his family and improve his relationship with his wife demonstrates his immaturity. And if this is his attitude towards his existing family, then what can we say about your connection with him, which he probably does not take seriously at all?
You deserve better than loving a married man. And your position as the “other woman” will not benefit any of the participants in such a situation.
Make a list of reasons not to love a married man
If you're still not sure why you should end this relationship, it's time to sit down alone with a pencil and paper.
Draw 2 columns: the pros and cons of having an affair with a married man. List the reasons why you are in this relationship and the reasons why you want to leave.
Start with the line "He's married" in the negative column. Think about all the bad things he did to you, write down how many times he bullied you, canceled a meeting at the last minute, gave you a gift certificate for your birthday, etc.
If you are satisfied sex life, remember how you felt when he had to suddenly leave you right after sex because he had to take his wife to the doctor? If he gave you expensive earrings, don't forget how hurt you were knowing that he bought a necklace for his wife.
Write everything down negative emotions this causes novels, including feelings of guilt, feelings of being “on the sidelines,” etc.
And if all the good that this relationship has brought you outweighs the negative it caused, then remember that the first line you wrote - he is married - already outweighs all the positives.
Stop making excuses for a married man.
Stop believing fairy tales that a married man dreams of divorcing his bitch wife, but, alas, he just can’t until the children have grown up or until his wife threatens to take away all their property, etc.
Remaining married and having an affair on the side, the married person is simply trying to sit on two chairs. And there is no need to find an explanation in the fact that you are “soul mates”.
Contrary to popular belief, not all good men married or gay. The world is full of available and eligible bachelors. You should respect yourself and establish relationships with those who truly value you.
Trust your friends
Invite your real friends over for coffee and open up to them. True friends should be understood as those who care about you, and not those with whom you only see at parties.
Chances are good that these friends are already aware of your relationship with a married man and do not approve of it. Tell them about your intentions to break up with him, ask for their support. If you tell your friends about your plans, then in moments of weakness it will be easier for you - knowing that you promised this to someone will give you strength.
Separating from a married man: patterns
If you are afraid of getting confused in a personal meeting, write an email. Under no circumstances make this gap a subject of discussion, and avoid the following formulations: “Don’t you think that our relationship has reached a dead end?” or “We should probably stop this.”
This approach will give him the opportunity to tell you that things can still be changed and that these are temporary difficulties. Perhaps he will answer that he was just about to tell his wife about this. But, believe me, if he wanted to change something, he would have already done it himself, without waiting for your offer to break up.
Don't give him the opportunity to logically justify the situation. Tell him that this is a final decision. Show strength and be prepared for him to shed a tear. In this case, there is no need to console him and give him advice. Just say everything you wanted and leave.
If you've tried to end an affair in the past, then you've probably noticed a typical married man's behavior pattern. You break up with him. He is silent for three days, and on the fourth he calls you. Your heart melts because these three days have been difficult for you. And here you are again where you started.
Find a support group of your good friends, start a new project at work, or go on vacation. Be able to discern the pattern and nip its implementation in the bud.
Throw the married man out of your life
If you have broken up with a married man, then completely stop all communication. Eliminate any possibility of future contact. Remove his email address and links to it. Erase phone numbers, remove his profile from your friends list in all in social networks. Burn photographs, letters and throw away gifts, including those expensive earrings. Completely erase him from your life.
Change your life
Make big changes in your life, and maybe a few small ones to boot. Change your hairstyle, find a new hobby, sign up for dancing, fitness, etc. Go shopping with your friends, wear new dresses every few days, and go to the bakery on Thursdays. Buy a new, useful microwave. Give your house a thorough cleaning. Throw costume parties at home.
Perhaps at first your life without your beloved married man will seem empty, but believe me, there are always ways to have fun. Meet new people, go to a bar with your girlfriends. Go on a blind date and just don't sit at home. There's plenty around worthy of attention young people who will be happy to invite you somewhere.
Finally, remember that you, like any other woman, have the right to be with a man who respects you. In a relationship, you need to feel special, not unimportant. A good relationship– this is when you can be yourself and enjoy life. So take your life into your own hands, throw this married man out of it and grab your share of happiness.
An affair with a married man is not uncommon. Well, there are some advantages to such relationships, and when it comes to the reasons for this phenomenon, women usually have no difficulty in answering.
Why do women choose married men?
Representatives of the fair sex are in most cases guided by emotions; reason comes onto the scene a little later. In a relationship with an unfree man, the mind gives way to subconscious attitudes. The most common are: “All normal people have already gotten married,” “He is my real soul mate,” “I don’t need much, and it’s good.” Perhaps these are not all options for justifying one’s situation, but if you look more closely, there is no respect for each other and there is drama (sacrifice of someone’s interests, multiple difficulties). Even an affair with a person whose family is about to undergo a divorce will not become happy, because any relationship must have a beginning and an end. You need to finish some to build others. There is hardly a woman who will like the constant comparison of her with her predecessor.
Often a woman rejects the advances of single suitors and gives her choice to a love affair with a married man for fear of being rejected. Being in the position of a mistress, she does not initially set herself up for a happy ending and suffers less if the relationship is upset. The reason for this attitude lies in childhood. If a girl felt like a beloved princess, she would place a relationship with a married man below her dignity. She needs her own man, for whom she will be the only one. If the girl did not know at all that parents can love children, she will be content with love in fits and starts. Such a woman subconsciously considers herself unworthy of a full-fledged relationship.
Why are married men attractive?
A man living in a family is always clean and well-groomed. He is calm, he demands less and gives more, because the second relationship matters less to him, and he knows that this is not forever. He is more inventive, with his mistress he has access to those desires that in family life for some reason he is forced to suppress.
A woman dating a married man gets a feeling of victory over another woman. Love with an unfree man is perceived as a reward; there is no place for obligations and responsibility. The woman also realizes that this will not last forever and gives herself free rein to realize her desires and fantasies.
Why deprive yourself?
There is nothing good or bad about having an affair with a married man, but still think about whether you are wasting your life. Admit to yourself your fears, evaluate the size of the restrictions voluntarily imposed on yourself. You have every right to a fulfilling relationship with your loved one, you need to realize this and start taking action. Getting rid of subconscious attitudes can be very difficult; you may need the help of a psychologist. But you can do a lot yourself.
Look at the situation from the other side. Family relationships require effort to build them. Morally mature man will do everything in his power to maintain and strengthen family relationships. He will not, at the slightest hesitation, run away to his mistress in order to find solace in her tender embrace. But he once swore to be with his wife in both sorrow and joy. Think about it, if he is so frivolous about the one he led down the aisle, what is his true attitude towards you? If you suddenly become very ill and cannot satisfy his fantasies, will he worry or will he simply leave you alone in trouble?
Even if you have a chance to become his wife in the future, will this situation happen again? If he is already cheating on one woman, what will prevent him from cheating on another (you)?
Breakup: where to start?
It will be easier for you to decide to break up if you think correctly and clearly understand the reasons why it is worth doing. Take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. In the first column, write down all the advantages of your relationship with a married man, in the second - the disadvantages.
The negative column should begin with the line “he is married.” Add to this column your “second role” and feelings of guilt towards his wife.
Think about everything that upset you about your relationship. Surely there were days when he made an appointment with you, you prepared, waited, and 5 minutes before the appointed time the phone rang and he said that he could not come. Most likely, you will be able to remember such moments as immediately after sex he jumped up and ran, getting dressed on the go, because he needed to accompany his wife somewhere.
If you have more pluses than minuses, know that just the line “he’s married” negates all the positive aspects. You deserve better.
No to fairy tales and excuses
Do not believe a man if he says that he dreams of a divorce, but cannot do it now. He may make the excuse that the children are still small and he wants to protect them from injury. Or the fact that in the event of a divorce, his wife threatens not to leave him even a thread, and he does not want to start family life with you as a hungry man. Or the fact that his wife is terminally ill and he cannot leave her in this condition. Don't believe it.
A man living in a marriage and having a mistress is guided by considerations of his own comfort. At home there is a well-established life, at the mistress there is passionate sex. He sits on two chairs, and that suits him.
Also, do not believe the stereotype that among single people there are only gays and abnormal people. It is not true, worthy men There are a lot of people who are not connected by marriage. And you have every chance to meet such a man and build a full-fledged relationship with him.
Friendly support
You will simply need it. Close friends most likely do not welcome your relationship with a married man, believing that you are wasting your best years in vain, but they do not tell you about this openly so as not to hurt you. Invite them over for tea and tell them about your decision to end a hopeless relationship. They may not give you specific advice, but their willingness to listen and comfort you will give you strength.
Break the pattern
Know that you are not the first and you will not be the last. Married men who have an affair have long developed a pattern of behavior when their mistress tries to end the relationship. Remember that he cares about own well-being and will therefore hinder the implementation of your plan.
When a woman in a supporting role tells a man about his decision to break up, he silently gets ready and leaves. For the first three days, she worries about what happened, but he remains silent. On the fourth day, when the woman is exhausted from worry, her phone rings, and her beloved is on the other end of the line. She immediately begins to remember how good it was with him, and again falls into the same networks. This path is not for you.
If you're not sure you can end the relationship in person, send an email. It would be correct to avoid words like “probably”, “possibly”, “seems” and the like. There should be no room for discussion in your message, otherwise the man will call back and say that you are in a hurry, that he was just going to ask for a divorce today, that you need to be patient just a little. This is also a template. Believe me, if your loved one was going to get a divorce, he would have done it a long time ago.
Stop any of his attempts to justify himself. Be firm, remember that you have friends who want to see you free from this relationship, and you can always cry on their shoulder.
Do not console, do not advise, say that your decision is deliberate and final. Then hang up and don't answer his calls anymore. If you decide to have a personal meeting, turn around and leave.
Erase the past
Eliminate any possibility of future communication. Delete his numbers, email addresses, links to his profiles on social networks (if there is an opportunity to blacklist him, use it). Collect all the photos (his and yours together), notes, gifts and throw them away. Don't be sorry expensive jewelry gifts given to them, you can live without them. Nothing should remind you of this relationship.
Change your life
After parting with a person, there is always a void in life. Think of it as free time to explore new activities and hobbies.
Experiment with your image, rearrange your home, sign up for courses (perhaps you’ve been wanting this for a long time, but you didn’t have enough time). Attend various events with friends, meet new people. It is likely that among your new acquaintances you will meet someone with whom you will live a long and happy life together.
Know that you have an inalienable right to be with a man who respects you. You should not play second fiddle in a relationship; your purpose is to be special. And nothing stops you from being like that.
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