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Relationship with a married man and its consequences. Family conflicts

Relationship with a married man and its consequences. Family conflicts

25.07.2019

Question: I've been married for several years now, and my wife and I argue often. As a rule, because of all sorts of little things. She is a strong, strong-willed person and has her own opinion on everything. How to come to peace and harmony in the family? I am a church person, and my wife is just coming to God.

Answer: Without having the opportunity to get acquainted with your family situation in detail, I will say quite generally. Almost every woman expects two things from a man.

Firstly, the ability to make decisions (that is, decisiveness) and the ability to be responsible for them. Sometimes it seems to a husband who has an overly busy, active wife that she expects complete obedience and obedience from him, but this is not so. A woman’s directive behavior can be a reaction to a man’s weakness of will, and in fact, she subconsciously expects decisiveness from him, thinking: “Well, make at least some decision!” After all, to be the head of the family, a responsible person, is the direct calling of a man: “The husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church, and He is the Savior of the body” (Eph. 5:23).

Second , What any woman and wife wants is an attentive, caring attitude towards her from her beloved man. After all, in the nature of a woman from God lies the desire for a strong male shoulder, for a creature capable of taking care of her, supporting and comforting her. If she does not find this in a man, her behavior becomes inconsistent with feminine nature and purpose. Both she and her husband suffer from this.

Determination and responsibility, on the one hand, and tenderness and attention, on the other, are the key to the heart of a beloved woman.

Question : How to get your husband to serious conversation about our family problems if he doesn’t want to talk about serious issues. And in general, no matter what I say, his opinion is always different from mine. We have been married for 15 years and have forgotten when we discussed anything normally - there is such confrontation all the time.

Answer: Unfortunately, your situation is very typical. In many families, husband and wife are in constant confrontation. For example, as soon as the wife says the word, the husband immediately replies: “No!” Sometimes without even listening to what is being said. Most often, the husband's protest is caused by excessive pressure on him. He protests how Small child, trying to get away from his wife’s excessive care and demands. What is happening in your family now did not arise overnight; probably at the beginning family life the situation was different. And of course, until you establish contact with your husband, you will not return warm, friendly relations, no serious conversation about family problems will happen. Now you are apparently offended by your husband because he does not want to communicate with you, constantly argues and bickers. But just imagine, is it pleasant for anyone to communicate with a person who is in a state of resentment, a constant complaint? Of course not. You want to minimize communication with such an individual, and if he demands something else, there is no desire to fulfill his demands, and in general you want to run away from him to the ends of the earth.

Our neighbor will only meet us halfway when we overcome the offense and show him sincere affection. No matter how neglected our situation may be, no matter how deep the resentment, we can expect a good attitude towards ourselves only when we ourselves, with an open soul, treat the person kindly. There is a proverb: “They carry water for the offended.” I think it also says that if a person is offended, angry, no one wants to help him, and he is forced to bear his life’s burden alone.

When a wife fulfills her duties well towards her family and her husband, when she is obedient to him, shows her love, and is sympathetic to his needs, only then can she expect a good attitude towards herself and attention to her requests from her husband.

We cannot change the way someone thinks. We can only influence another person with our love and affection. What does any husband expect from his wife? Honor, affection, sympathy. The ice between you can only be melted with love, and when your husband feels that good changes have taken place in you, then he will be open to a serious conversation about your family problems.

God help you!

Question : I am very prone to anger, irritability; I myself feel that this greatly interferes with family life. But I can’t help it. When I break down into irritation and anger, I have trouble controlling myself, and I can say something for which I am then very ashamed. How many times have I sworn to control myself, but every time I break down, especially at the moment of fatigue. I’m very tired because my wife takes care of the children and I work several jobs. What to do?

Answer: Anger not only interferes with family life, but can, if it goes too far, completely destroy a very a good relationship between the closest people. If a person remembers himself in a moment of anger, he will be horrified: he begins to literally hate the one he loved. This is how anger can darken the soul.

Anger is not just a bad habit, but also one of the eight human passions. Passion can be compared to a chronic, ingrained disease. But even advanced disease can be cured. The most important thing you need for this is:

1) the awareness that you are sick with the passion of anger and are dependent on it; that you can’t control yourself well, that it’s no longer you who rule over passion, but it over you. It is clear from your question that you have this awareness. Also, having realized our weakness, we need to understand that anger, like any passion, can be dealt with not by our weak forces, but only with the help of God. Even if a person achieves something through his own efforts and temporarily suppresses his anger, the effect will be short-lived, and soon the passion will return again. Why? Because we relied only on our own strength, showed pride, and the devil again laughed at us;

2) determination to lead constant struggle with anger. It is very difficult to overcome an old passion, but with God’s help it is possible. Only for this you need not to look back and believe in the success of your plan. Any passion not only torments a person, but also gives pleasant sensations. Even, oddly enough, anger. This greatly hinders the fight against passion; it can be very difficult for a person to give up the pleasures of sin. He becomes close to it, and it is much easier for him to live with passion than to engage in a merciless fight with it. Demons begin to instill in us thoughts: nothing will work out anyway, it’s better not to even try, but to live as before - “not shaky, not shaky.” This is what determination is needed for - to overcome the captivity of passion, laziness and other temptations.

The fight must begin with prayer. People are usually very frightened by the amount of work planned, they do not believe that they will be able to cope with anger for the rest of their lives. That's why we don't make a lot of guesses. Waking up in the morning, having read the morning rule, we will pray to God (in our own words) for deliverance from anger: “Lord, help me on this day not to be irritated, not to be angry, not to judge anyone, not to make empty remarks, etc.” By praying this way, we, firstly, ask God for help for the coming day, and secondly, we set ourselves up for life without anger. So a day, two, a week passes, and then it gets easier, the skill of dealing with this sin is acquired. The most important thing is not to forget to start every morning with this prayer, and the Lord will definitely help.

It has already been said that anger terribly darkens the soul; after a quarrel or outburst, an irritable person suffers from remorse, he is haunted by a feeling of shame, he would like to rewind time back and avoid a quarrel, but, alas, this is impossible. Anyone who suffers from a quick temper should be constantly on guard and remember, especially when communicating with people, about their weakness. Remember when irritation sets in, which is usually caused by thoughtless words and actions. It is necessary to be very careful, think several steps ahead, estimate, calculate: what can I lose during an argument, a tense conversation, and especially a quarrel. You can lose a lot: a peaceful disposition of soul, good, peaceful relationships with your neighbors, their respect, love. Love also leaves our heart when anger comes there. All these are very large losses, and they are not comparable with the meager amount that can be obtained as a result of a quarrel and conflict. In order not to make big mistakes, you need to learn to stop in time, remember about the great danger of anger and extinguish it in the bud, as soon as an unkind, irritated thought looms on the horizon. At the very beginning, irritation is easy to deal with. If you don’t stop in time, it will be very difficult to stop the element of anger.

Why do some people enjoy anger? They often break down and give free rein to their negative emotions? The fact is that with anger, sensations arise that are similar to those that a person receives in a moment of danger or excitement, for example, when engaged in extreme sports. Adrenaline enters his blood, his heart begins to beat faster, and his blood pressure rises. This is why the face of an angry person usually turns red. All this can give very strong emotions and make you experience some kind of euphoria. Although later the consequences of anger can be very bitter. With angry drunkenness comes the inevitable hangover. But anger also has one good quality: if you don’t give it free rein and food, it quickly passes. The same adrenaline can only be in the blood a short time. If at the moment of anger you do not give it an outlet, pray or distract yourself with something, do some simple task, the outbreak will soon pass, and with it the desire to be angry.

Anger must not only be suppressed within oneself - this is ineffective: sooner or later it can break out, and with renewed vigor. It is necessary not only to fight it, but also to educate your soul. As the holy fathers said, for example St. Ignatius (Brianchaninov), St. Theophan the Recluse, to drive out passions by planting opposite virtues in the soul. It is necessary to replace aggressive, angry thoughts with bright, kind, condescending ones. Cultivate patience, peace of heart, kindness and meekness.

Question : I'm single, I'm 27 years old. I'm dating married man. His marriage has exhausted itself, he has a very bad relationship with his wife, the marriage has actually ceased to exist, they only live together. They have children. For some reason, he cannot divorce his wife now, although he says that he wants to eventually get a divorce and marry me. I understand that it is a sin to have a relationship with an unfree person, but there is practically no marriage there anymore, they don’t love each other, but we have love.

Answer: There is such a good Russian proverb: “You can’t build a house with stolen goods.” You cannot build a future family on crime, on sin. You'll have to pay for everything someday. By the way, adultery, that is, adultery or fornication with a married man or married woman, in ancient times, among some peoples it was a real criminal offense. According to the Old Testament law, he was subject to the death penalty. Adultery is a grave sin. Church canons excommunicated him from communion first for 15 years, then the Council of Ancyra, with its 20th rule, reduced the period of penance to 7 years. Why such strictness? Because people not only commit the sin of fornication, but also steal happiness from other people and destroy their family. And this is more than theft of valuables and material damage. You say that your friend has a bad relationship with his wife, their marriage is on the verge of divorce. Of course, such a situation does not arise immediately, it develops over the years, but it is not for you to decide whether their marriage “has actually ceased to exist” or not. This is their business, and only they can figure it out themselves. How bad their relationship really is is also known only to them. Have you ever thought that this man, in principle, will never be able to solve his problems? family problems, while he continues to communicate with you? It is very possible that if he had left you completely and irrevocably and decided to save the family, everything could have been different for him and his wife. I don’t know why he hasn’t divorced his wife yet, but one thing is clear: you both are entangled in your relationship, like in a net, and the sooner you break this fruitless and sinful relationship, the better. Such relationships can drag on for years, people become more and more confused and reach a dead end, and time passes. You are still a young woman, and this situation does not allow you to arrange your family life normally, find true love, or for him to understand his difficult family situation. Your current relationship cannot be called love - it’s just a lustful passion. Love presupposes responsibility for the one you love, but you don’t have it, you are already harming yourself.

And one last thing. If your friend divorces his wife and leaves for you, not only his wife will suffer (and I think she will definitely suffer, no matter what kind of relationship they have, because divorce always means financial problems and the unenviable fate of a single mother), but also his children. And the divorce of parents for children is a huge trauma for life. The absence of a father in the family, a childhood spent without him, will certainly affect their entire future life. One of my friends divorced his first wife. Many years passed, and one day, before his birthday, it was already quite adult daughter, he asked her: “Daughter, what do you want as a gift?” And she answered: “Only one thing, so that you and your mother can be together again.”

Question : My husband and I have been married for many years; our children are already adults and live separately. While the children lived with us, everything was more or less normal. Now he often scolds me, swears, and drinks. How should I behave in this situation?

Answer: Your current family situation In psychology it is called the “empty nest crisis.” At this stage, when children grow up, start their own families and leave the parental home, difficulties begin for many married couples. Among my friends, most often it was the men who had a hard time with the change in their family situation, started drinking, and fell into depression and despondency. This crisis is dangerous because the spouses are no longer young, and it is not so easy for them to adapt to new conditions. While they raised their children together, took care of them, they were united by this common cause, and when these worries were in the past, they felt that what united them, what made up the meaning of their family existence, had left their lives. If the spouses have not built good ones over the years of marriage, warm relations, if they were united only by children and caring for them, they will have a hard time. However, there is no need to despair, because in every period of life there is something good, new, you just need to see it. You raised children together - you fulfilled your duty, now you have more free time. It needs to be used usefully to communicate more and improve relationships. Of course, it’s not easy for both you and your husband now, but, apparently, it’s harder for him now than for you. People drink, as a rule, not because they have a good life. His drinks and aggressive behavior- a consequence of great internal difficulties. And you need to support him now. Men are very vulnerable creatures and prone to depression. A man always expects compassion, understanding and sympathy from a woman. A woman from God is endowed with a big heart and the ability to console, inspire hope, confidence, and she can help a man. Now you need not to be offended by your husband, not to judge him, but to think about how to survive with him. crisis period. I wish God's help!

Question : Our marriage is consummated, but my husband has been taking drugs and drinking for several years. In this state he can beat me and the children. He is HIV positive and has been diagnosed with hepatitis. He is registered at a drug treatment clinic. I come from the Lipetsk region, my husband is a Muscovite. We now live in my husband’s apartment. Of course, I really don’t want to move back to my parents in Lipetsk, but I can’t bear it any longer. Can I divorce my husband?

Answer: The situation in your family is very difficult, and I’m afraid that you simply need to separate from your husband. Of course, divorce is an extreme measure; it is a very painful surgical operation, when the once united family organism falls apart and is dismembered. Surgery is resorted to as a last resort when all other methods of treatment are no longer useful. When a person is sick with gangrene, the affected limb may be cut off so that the disease does not spread further and does not affect the body. You need to think not only about yourself, but also about your children. A person under the influence of drugs does not control himself, he becomes obsessed with passion. If there have already been cases of beatings of you and your children, this will be repeated in the future, and someday a big disaster may happen. His addiction, his aggressive behavior and his illnesses can simply destroy your family.

Local Russian Council Orthodox Church, chaired by His Holiness Patriarch Tikhon, in the “Definition on the reasons for the dissolution of a marriage sanctified by the Church,” recognized, among some others, also to consider “leprosy or syphilis” and “an attack on the life or health of the spouse or children” as grounds for divorce " The Jubilee Council of Bishops in 2000 added to the list of grounds for divorce with such reasons as AIDS, as well as medically certified alcoholism or drug addiction. As you can see, you have every reason to terminate church marriage.

Question : My wife is constantly dissatisfied with me, she often finds fault, screams, grumbles, and can humiliate me. In this she is very similar to her mother, who also commanded her husband all her life. She believes that I do very little for the house, for the family, that everything rests on her. Please advise how I should behave? Now I’m trying to generally have less contact with her, to find an outlet in some activities outside the home and hobbies. But I feel that this is not a solution, we need to somehow solve this problem, but I don’t know how. Despite the fact that it’s very difficult for me with her, I want to save the family: we have children.

Answer: Unfortunately, your situation is very typical. Spouses most often, when building their family and relationships in it, consciously or unconsciously, take the parental family and the relationship between father and mother as a basis. The fact that your half was raised in a family where an incorrect family hierarchy was built is not her fault, but a misfortune. I don’t know what kind of family you grew up in, but in order to solve your problem and build right relationship with your wife, it is very good for you to also delve into your childhood and also remember your parents. It often happens that a boy raised by a single mother (who, due to circumstances, had to be courageous, strong, taking on the role of both mother and father) or simply having a powerful, dominant mother, subsequently chooses a wife of the same type. Being a weak, insecure child in childhood, he, having already become a husband and father of the family, continues to practice the same style of behavior.

But let's get back to your wife. Generally speaking, if a person has a difficult, unbearable, grumpy character, if they say about him: difficult person, - this indicates that he himself has very great internal mental difficulties and problems. Not only is it difficult for us with him, but, first of all, it is difficult and difficult for him, he cannot cope with his difficulties, he does not know how to do it. And this results in aggression, conflict, and constant discontent. Sometimes a woman with a strong, decisive character, having seen enough of her equally “powerful” mother, gets married and immediately strives to subjugate her husband. Takes everything upon himself. She makes decisions herself, makes plans, implements them, and commands her husband. The husband humbles himself, obeys, and then completely withdraws from important family matters, giving all the reins to his wife. At first, the wife likes all this, she is quite satisfied with the role of the household commander. But then big difficulties begin. It becomes difficult for her to carry everything alone, constantly make decisions and be responsible for all family matters. Although she created this order herself. It seems to her that her husband has completely withdrawn from business, does nothing, and hardly helps her. In addition, very often the husband, exhausted by a grumpy wife, actually strives to be at home less and communicate with his wife, which, of course, only aggravates the situation. The wife, like any woman, wants her husband to protect her, help solve problems, take care of her, start making decisions and generally take custody of her. And, of course, she expects her husband’s attention to her difficulties. But he doesn’t see any of this and, not knowing how to properly influence his beloved, begins to get angry, express complaints, and shout at him. When a person behaves this way, he shows his insecurity and wants to draw the attention of others to his problems and difficulties. Even the most powerful woman wants to be weak and defenseless, wants to be pitied and taken care of. A woman gets tired of being strong. Usually a man understands all the reproaches, nagging and claims of his wife as the whims of an old woman from a fairy tale about goldfish: you need to quickly give her what she asks for, just so that she lags behind and doesn’t “nag” anymore. And for a wife, all these nagging and pestering of hers are most often just a way to attract attention to herself; she wants to feel that her husband needs him, that he is taking care of her, paying attention to her, providing patronage and care. But, as a rule, she cannot formulate all this and clings to him over trifles. True, after such behavior from the wife, the husband no longer really wants to communicate with her. But this must be done, because the only way to influence your spouse and improve your relationship with her is to engage in your own growth as a man, as a person, as the head of the family, and also to seriously engage with your spouse. No matter how aggressively she behaves, it is very important to communicate with her calmly and kindly. It is necessary to reassure her, to make her trust you. You are a man, and a man must be strong. What does the Apostle Paul tell us? “We must...we must bear the weaknesses of the weak” (Rom. 15:1). Weak in in this case your wife. The reason for her behavior is self-doubt, insecurity and fatigue from the burden that she has taken upon herself.

Of course, your difficult family situation has developed over the years, and it will not be possible to change it in the blink of an eye. But subject to your correct masculine behavior, I am sure that your wife’s character will change for the better. The most important thing is not to be offended by her, but to support, reassure her, and treat her with understanding.

Question : My husband and I live in Moscow, in a small two-room apartment, with his mother. Mom is retired, already very much elderly woman, but it serves itself well and does not need any care. Life with her is very difficult, not only for me, but also for my husband; She and I constantly quarrel and fight. I’m not working right now because my husband is against it and I don’t have children yet. I do not know what to do. I no longer have the strength to live with my mother-in-law; living separately is not possible, since I still have to pay off loan debts.

Answer: Yes, the housing problem is still very acute in our capital, and yet Gilyarovsky wrote about a large housing shortage in Moscow. I sympathize with your problem: indeed, living with your husband’s parents is not very easy. It is clear that it is difficult to get along with your mother-in-law, probably due to her advanced age and other reasons, since even her own son cannot find a relationship with her. common language. As a rule, when people begin to live separately, relations between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, mother-in-law and son-in-law improve. Families, having separated, begin to visit each other, communicate, and provide mutual assistance. The only question is how to do it. Only very wealthy people can afford to buy housing in Moscow now. But even in your situation, I think there are ways to live separately from your mother-in-law. If you don’t have children yet and you don’t work anywhere, you need to try to persuade your husband to let you go to work, then money will appear, and your family will be able to rent, if not a one-room apartment, then at least a room. Sometimes living even in a communal apartment is easier than constantly quarreling with your husband’s relatives. If you get a job, it will become easier for you. You will be distracted and will have less interaction with your husband's mother. And as long as you two are constantly in the same apartment, clashes are inevitable, besides, as I understand, she also does not work anywhere and sits at home. Of course, whoever seeks will find. Even in Moscow, you can solve your housing problem over time. For example, exchange a “kopeck piece” for a one-room apartment and a room or for a “one-room apartment” with an additional payment; buy housing not in the capital, but in the nearest Moscow region. With this money you can take out a mortgage... But you never know, there are so many other options! Consult with people knowledgeable in this area.

But the most important thing: no matter where you live, together with your mother-in-law or separately from her, your relationship will improve only when you do not perceive her as a personal enemy, but treat her with respect and understanding.

Question : Three years ago I had a relationship with a married woman. Then I found out that a child was born - a girl. I was also married then. Now I'm divorced, I have children. I repent very much of this sin, I confessed it to the priest. I feel very guilty before the child and this woman. Can I do something for them as the child's father, provide any help? It must be said that this woman’s husband does not know that the girl is not his and is raising the child as his own. Both spouses work, and the family is generally well-off.

Answer: I think the best thing you can do is never appear in these people's lives again. Firstly, you can harm the child, and he is certainly not to blame for anything. Secondly, harm the woman. When she meets you, thoughts may arise in her soul. old feelings and old passions awaken; in this way you will lead her into temptation again. And finally, thirdly, you can destroy a family. As popular wisdom says, “not the mother who gave birth, but the one who raised.” The same can be said about my father. If the husband considers the child his own, and the girl loves him as own father, is attached to him, you have no right to interfere in their life. He is her father, not you. You committed an irresponsible act at one time, but the child is not to blame for this, he has the right to a happy childhood. In this case, knowledge of the true state of affairs can greatly harm these people, to whom you are already guilty. I think that there is no need to try to see the child or somehow participate in his fate, even when she becomes an adult. This, again, can cause mental trauma to a person.

We must ask God for forgiveness for this sin and produce fruits worthy of repentance. If you say that the child does not need anything, you can help other children who need it. For example, help orphanage or a family where the mother is raising children without a father and is in a difficult situation. Many children need help, for example, large families or in children's hospitals, where treatment sometimes lacks the most necessary things. You also, of course, need to make every effort to raise your other children in faith and piety.

(To be continued.)

I fell in love with a married man. I feel good with him, and he feels good too. He is married. I understand that this is a sin. But I don’t understand one thing: does loving really mean sinning? My thoughts are pure before him, I love him as I have never loved anyone. In his relationship with me, he does not pretend to be in love. Is it really a sin before God to simply love and be with this person? I think that registration does not play any role in the relationship. Adam and Eve loved each other without registration, and people invented registration in order to protect material wealth. Yes, he is married, but no one in this life will say where is yours and where is not. We live, experiencing this world ourselves. Over the years, each of us develops completely different concepts of love and fidelity. I believe that a husband is unfaithful if he “cheats with his thoughts”: while living with one, he always thinks about the other, with whom he feels good, and not physical cheating. It's just flesh. Judge me. Alyona.

Priest Alexy Kolosov answers:

Alyona! What do you expect from us? Do you want to hear that “anything is possible”? It is in vain that “everything is possible” if there is no God, but He exists. This means that not everything is possible, but only what the Commandments and conscience allow. The commandment clearly says “Thou shalt not commit adultery!”, and the severity of this commandment is great - according to the Old Testament law, adulterers are supposed to be stoned to death. In turn, the Gospel, although it does not require such harsh measures, nevertheless also does not encourage violations of marital fidelity. However, your conscience also tells you this, otherwise I cannot explain the fact of your question - you are trying to “override” the evidence of your conscience with a game of the mind. This is a “Sisyphean task,” believe me: a huge stone of self-justification will easily be overthrown by the feather of an objective feeling that such a relationship is wrong, a feeling that it is a sin. How long will you be enough? It is clear that God gave us not only commandments, but also freedom - however, He expects us to use this freedom for good, and not as a reason for lawlessness.
In addition, continuing your logic, there is no sin in murder, because the body is just flesh, and someone will feel good by killing their neighbor. Again, self-knowledge - “Am I a trembling creature or do I have the right?”...

Sincerely, priest Alexy Kolosov.

Where to meet a married man?

Rule one: never come to his house. Respect the other woman, she is not an enemy of the people just because she met your lover before.

If you have your own home and you are not afraid of talk from your neighbors, then you can bring a man to your place. However, it is better not to rush into your personal space. See how your relationship develops. To a greater extent, the concern about where to meet should lie with the man. Whether it's a hotel, an apartment with an hourly rate or a sauna - let him be the first to take the initiative. Using it, you can determine the degree of seriousness of your relationship.

Hello Father Oleg!

I would like to know how serious my sin is?

I live in a civil marriage with a married man named Evgeniy..

We love each other very much. We want to get married and get married. The first time he didn’t get married, and he wasn’t baptized at all, since everyone in his wife’s family is atheist, and besides, there are grandmothers who are into black magic.

When we started living together, after a while we felt that something was wrong with us. We began to quarrel often, sleep poorly, and there was a feeling that someone was imposing bad thoughts. We suffered for a long time until we found out that we had been hexed (by his wife). We immediately went to church. I very often prayed to God to forgive her and forgive us, and allow us to be together. I suggested that Zhenya be baptized. He said that he had been thinking about this for a long time and that this was a very responsible step. I talked to him a lot about God, about faith, about the church, and one day he told me that he was ready for this and wanted to be baptized. He was baptized. We're doing well now.

After his divorce, we want to get married. This proposal came from him, he really wants it, and so do I, since I am a believer.

You may ask: why, if I am a believer, did I allow such a situation when a husband leaves his wife? I will answer that if I knew everything at that moment when I left my city and my loved ones to be with my loved one, I would never have done this. Zhenya knew that I was an honest person and therefore did not tell me the whole truth so that I would not leave him. I only knew that he was married, but has not lived with his wife for a long time and that she has her own established life. When I found out the truth it was already too late, I couldn’t go back, my love was already so strong that I forgave him, and at the same time took on the sin. Later, Zhenya realized that he had sinned by telling me a lie, but he explained this by saying that he was afraid of losing me. Now we go to church and atone for our sins, and ask God to allow us to be together. Despite all the circumstances, it seems to me that God is merciful to us. After all, start new life in a new city without money and without a roof over your head - it’s very difficult. But gradually everything began to improve. We successfully found a job, rented an apartment, and now everything is going well. His relatives treat me very well, they understand Zhenya. Even his daughter fell in love with me, she enjoys visiting us and we all have a good time together. She is already dreaming that when she finishes school, she will come to live with us to study at the institute. Zhenya is very happy that he met me, he says that with me he wants to be better, cleaner, and wants to be closer to the church.

Father Oleg, please tell me if we get married in church, will our union be sinful? ?

God bless you! Olga.

Your letter is contradictory. It was I who highlighted some places in your letter in italics and bold. Just look at these places to see the answer. You yourself pose the question - how serious is your sin. There is no question in your mind that there is sin, because you feel it and admit it. Actually, it is this feeling of the severity of sin that makes you look for a way out and outside help. At the same time, out of passionate attachment to a sinner, you are trying in every possible way to justify yourself and convince yourself and me that, despite the sin, the Lord God is on your side and shows mercy to your “union.” All that remains, they say, is the external arrangement for God - to be baptized by the unbaptized (which has already been done), to atone for sin and to get married.

But if everything is so good with you, then why ask me (or anyone else)? Where does the awareness of sin and the feeling of guilt come from? After all, you yourself decided to sin and declared that you were taking the sin upon yourself. Now you bear it and its consequences (internal torment), with external well-being. Or maybe this “well-being” is only evidence that God has abandoned you for violating His commandments.

It’s not for us to judge Evgeniy’s wife. But the indisputable fact is that he has a marriage and the fruit of marriage is a daughter. You can, of course, get a divorce on paper, but this will not make your daughter disappear, as if she had never been before. You can make friends with your daughter, but this will not cover sin and God’s commandment that one who marries (or who has married) a divorced woman (for a divorced person) commits adultery cannot be abolished. And if you cannot unite with a divorced or divorced woman (and you are still only striving for this), then what can we say about an open union with a married man? Even the ancients could not have imagined such a thing! It's the same as burying a person alive in the ground!

So, you have not only sinned on both sides, but you also live in constant sin, trampling on the commandment of the Savior. That marriage was destroyed by betrayal, but a new one will not be established because it is based on sin, violation of the Lord’s commandment and lies. Apparently, Evgeniy’s wife is not at all happy that he left and began to live with his partner. She is an unbeliever and does not know the laws of Christ. But her messages, and perhaps her appeal for help to those skilled in magic in order to damage your “union,” speak of her extreme dissatisfaction and revenge for her husband’s theft. But you can’t steal not only from good and believing people, but from everyone without exception! Otherwise, what kind of believers are you?

How could you agree to have a relationship with a married man if you knew that he was married? Even if he deceived you about his wife, that she supposedly arranged her life and was happy, but you knew the main thing - he is married. Nevertheless, she took the sin on her soul. What kind of love and mortal sin can we talk about? Is it from God? No, no and NO! Such love is not from God, and it is not love, but a demonic passion that led to the loss of the fear of God.

Is it possible to pray for this sin and receive forgiveness from God? It is possible, but only with correction of what has been done and true repentance. The correction is that you need to separate once and for all and mourn your grave sins and crazy actions. It is impossible to build a godly marriage on lies and sin. The true Church cannot marry you, i.e. put a crown on adultery! Although today you can find in the apostate church structure a “priest” who will “marry” you for money, thereby aggravating your and his sin.

There was no need to rush into this union. Evgeniy should have divorced his wife in advance on legal grounds for the Church (and divorcing a stubborn non-believer, and even more so an ally of dark forces, is completely acceptable according to Church norms). We had to not lie to God and each other, even out of false fear of losing. Now in reality you have lost each other forever. You can ignore my answer as not desired by you and continue to live together in “prosperity” and “love” and “happiness”. Only you will never become closer to God and the Church. God does not listen to your prayers and requests, for you cannot deceive Him or persuade Him to cancel the commandment for you. Upon death, you will face eternal torment, for adulterers will not inherit the Kingdom of God. And in this life, the sin you have sown will definitely make itself known.

I advise you to repent, improve and strive for eternity.

Is it a sin to be with a married man?

At that moment I broke up with my common-law husband, with whom we lived for 8 years and with whom we are still on friendly terms. We had a huge age difference and this prevented us from being together. I perceived him as a father, as an older brother, as a relative. But not as a husband. Now I probably regret our breakup - apparently, I’m not yet ripe for more high relations on that moment. He always helped me in word and deed, protected me, did everything for me. But I was probably too selfish and didn’t notice much. Now, unfortunately, it’s too late - he has a different life, another woman, and I don’t dare disturb his peace and his happiness. It's too late and there's no going back.

And so I began to correspond with my first love, but at that time it was a purely friendly, friendly relationship, I did not hope for any continuation. This went on for 2 weeks and he suggested meeting. I knew that he got married a very long time ago under pressure from his mother, then everyone discussed it among our friends. And at the meeting, when I asked him about this, he said that everything was bad with them, there was no love, there were still no children and he was planning to break up with her.

And we started dating - we spent all weekends together, met several times a week. Then he went on vacation and invited me with him, but I refused because... I thought it was impossible to start so quickly intimate relationships, even though we are not 16 years old. He constantly wrote me letters, text messages, and called me. I didn’t think that I could be so greedy for all these romantic things.

I fell in love. And 2 months after we had already begun a closer relationship, and he had not made any attempts to separate from his wife, I felt something and an insight came to me, sometimes I have a strong intuition. I challenged him to a serious conversation, and pointing my finger at the sky, asked if his wife was pregnant. He was stunned, but the answer was positive. I was shocked and decided to end all relationships. But he begged, cried, wrote long letters - what should he do now? After all, his wife deceived him, said that she accepted birth control pills. But he cannot leave her in this position, because... he is too decent and noble. Now I understand that there was nonsense and lies from beginning to end. I won’t go into details, but our relationship continued - we went on vacation together, spent the whole weekend, constantly called and corresponded throughout the day. I got sick of it and became addicted. Then he said that he would create all the conditions for his newly born daughter and wife and cut this Gordian knot. He bought an apartment not far from my house. We made repairs together and made plans for the future. He constantly hypnotized me with words about how he wants more children, how he wants love and an ideal family, how he sees me “with a belly” and what our future son will look like.

Almost 2 years have passed since our meeting, and nothing has changed dramatically. He lives either at home, sometimes with his parents, or in a new apartment. His wife is either satisfied with this state of affairs, or is indifferent to her, but it is not clear why she did not react to his constant absence for days, nights and all weekends. Having taken a step forward, he immediately took 2 steps back.

I was no longer aware of the reality that existed around me, difficulties began at work, I began to communicate less with friends and family. I started taking sedatives and I started having constant breakdowns. I told him that he needs to return to his family, since he still can’t decide, it means that he still needs to live there and take care of the child. But it seemed like he didn’t need anyone - not the child, not the wife, not me. When the child got very sick and his wife “called” him out of town on the weekend, he began to grumble that his leisure time had been ruined and was still wondering whether to go or not. I sent him home unconditionally then.

Over the past three months, I tried to constantly push him away from me, not to communicate, but he appeared and everything started all over again.

I tried to meet someone, but no man was interested in me and I couldn’t start a relationship. I lived in “unreality”, in dreams that he constantly drew for me and as if he himself believed in it. And he said that it’s just another week, another week. Once the renovations are finished, the furniture will be bought and we will live together. But nothing happened. Everything remains as it was. We just started coming to this apartment periodically on weekends. And still swear, constantly swear.

Today I said that that’s it, we need to put an end to it and that he should be where he should be. But, as usual, he dodged responsibility and replied that if I decided so, it does not mean that there is no love, and that he will sort everything out and call me after some time (but he will not promise exactly how long, I still I still don’t believe it) that we would start another relationship.

I don’t know what to do—it’s a limbo situation again. I hate myself for allowing all this to happen, for causing so much pain to his wife and child, for torturing myself so much. I want to move around the apartment like a wounded animal, I can’t find a place for myself. I have terrible dreams and wake up crying. Lord, how I want him to leave me alone, so that he can return to his family and never see him again. But subconsciously I still expect a call from him. He is very cunning, secretive, insidious, slippery.

IN Last year I even began to have thoughts that I didn’t want to live, I wanted to fall asleep and not wake up, so that only my soul would not be tormented by this duality. But I am stopped by common sense and thoughts of how painful it will be for my parents, my beloved brother and close people who support and love me.

I know that this is weakness and selfish indulgence. Another terrible remorse for what I did with my life and the lives of other people. How could this happen? I do not know what to do. I take sleeping pills, they dull my senses, I want to go to work, I communicate. But I still only think about him. Lord, when will this all end, and how can I find the strength to survive all this? I want to lie down and die. I don't know what to do next in my life.

Sveta, age: 30 / 09.14.2009

Homeless from Rublyovka:), age: 26 / 09.15.2009

Svetlanka, our light, do not despair!

What you told is a standard story. This “yours or someone else’s” man is irresponsible. He still wants romance, freedom. Why such people get married is unclear. He cannot create happiness even if he leaves his wife and child. He can promise you a bunch of all the good and wonderful things for your future, but... he is not the same. Sorry!

Don’t drive yourself into illness because of him, but come up, get sober, and you’ll meet your other half. Now it may be painful for you to listen to this, but for sure you need to leave it. Remember, you can’t build happiness on someone else’s misfortune.

Svetlanushka, we all support you!

You will please God if you leave the prodigal man.

Get well from all of this!

AE, age: 47 / 09/15/2009

Any despair is from the devil. Repentance is a good feeling. But the devil drives us into despair. Now the most terrible sin is despair. Why? Because despair leads to darkness and does not allow you to move on. So despair is hurting you now. and everything that harms us is called sin. In this way, the dark force manipulates you, adding more dark dreams, heaviness in your heart and sprinkling everything with the desire to “not feel anything.” So, the devil makes you want to “lie down and do nothing, end your life.” . And then he will achieve his goal. And you yourself know perfectly well that the devil is doing this, your soul feels it. You write: “he is very cunning, secretive, insidious, slippery.” Quite right, this is the man who manipulates both your completely confused lover and you. He is gradually and consistently leading both of you to death.

What to do in this situation?

You need to remember that there is a way to get rid of your torment of conscience, which is the most important thing for you now. namely, you need to confess and receive communion in an Orthodox church. For example, I managed to get rid of health problems this way, psychological problems. Now I take communion and confess every three weeks. And in the beginning, when I was still in a critical situation, I went to confession and received communion every two weeks. I. my health has been restored without any medications, my heart is easy, and if sometimes I feel that my heart is somehow squeezing, then for me this is an emergency and not a constant feeling. In addition, you need to distract your brain from constant worries, and for this you need to occupy your brain with something, for example, looking for a new job.

And give the lover a turn away. There is no point in getting involved with him if this “very cunning, secretive, insidious, slippery” devil acts on you through him.

Gelchik, age: 18/09/16/2009

Dear namesake! Please don't despair!

Well, think about what happened.

You're alive right? Are you physically healthy? Do you have parents and a brother? And other people who support and love? Listen, but this is already a great happiness. And this is a man. leave him, forget him - he has his own life, you need to understand this. And you also have the right to yours. I understand that it is difficult, impossible, I know what dependence on a person is. Very painful! But it passes, believe me, this too passes! And you stay. And you still have ONE life. YOURS, understand? Take care of her, please. And say thank you to him, personally or mentally, thank him sincerely for all the good things - and say goodbye. And then start another life - and it will definitely be no worse than that one. And even better. Good luck and happiness to you!

Steffi, age: 35 / 09/18/2009

Try to take control of the situation. Place a ban on your meetings and calls for at least 6 months. See what happens then. In my opinion, this is the only way to sort out your relationship and do you need a person who is not allowed?

N.I. , age: 52 / 09.19.2009

Nadezhda, age: 41 / 12/29/2013

Hello, I went through exactly the same story, in some little things there is only a difference, but the essence is the same, I prayed and prayed that God would help me forget him, finally nothing “fucks” when I see him, thank God, but I I also have a daughter from my first marriage, I didn’t need her at that moment, i.e. I stopped being interested in her affairs, how horrible dream I remember, you pray too, God sees everything and will definitely help!

Is love with a married man a big sin?

do you think loving is a sin? What if he is married? He loves too. We want to be together. I understand that this is cruel. But you can’t hide love, and a wife is already the past. The only people I feel sorry for are the children. We need your advice.

I couldn’t just leave quietly and calmly

but he didn’t bring me back, just give him a choice, because he decides for himself.

another one. his wife will be “past” when he divorces her. not a minute earlier))

“The only people I feel sorry for are the children,” what hypocrisy.

Isn’t it easier to find a single person?

Such a love happened to me. 4 years of torment. In the end, our love won, and now we are together. It's up to you to decide what you want. Are you ready to endure the double life of your loved one until he decides to leave for you, and will he leave? You won't find the answer here!

6, why is it easy?? Look around - all the decent ones have been married for a long time and deeply

another fool. Yes, yes, love, don’t even doubt it. That's why he lives with his wife and fucks you at the same time. Love love, so big and bright. Was he the one who said that his wife is a thing of the past? they all say that, don’t even doubt it, you need to fuck your brain with something else so that it continues to give

5- Guest, I just love him. It’s not my fault that he is not single, but married.

He will return to his wife when everything burns out between you and him - that’s for sure, especially if he is over forty! Sexologists claim that only two (!) percent of men stay with their mistress and marry her, i.e. leaving the family forever

11 - what a sad statistic! I mean, it would be better if it was zero percent. After all, if a man once married the one who is now called his wife, then that means he loved her then. And if now he loves you, then where is the guarantee that you are just another in a long chain and a new love will follow. Once a person is like that, you can’t change him. Who just hangs out on the side, and who goes with everyone serious relationship builds.

10 - well, don’t justify yourself like that! There is, of course, your fault - in irresponsibility for YOUR life. It is you who choose a man who is safe for yourself, with whom it is impossible to be together. Free men are dangerous for you, you have a chance to be together with them, you don’t work with your own internal problems, but try to “leave” everything to fate.

I feel sorry for the children, because they need a father, and if we are together, naturally we will have our own children. And “those” children will remain in the past. Is this a sin? And the wife, as he says: “waste material.”

Eh, girls! Any evil comes back! Unearthly love did not arise at first sight, you allowed it to develop, allowed it, and some provoked it! They feel sorry for the children now - who are you lying to? Weren't you sorry from the very beginning? And I don’t like or respect such men, “taken away” - they think with nothing but their balls.

It won't be long before you become his past.

Of course, I would like to believe in miracles. But this is clearly a very trivial case. And if you have a chance, author, then only someday become the same waste material.

Fuck, what a nice guy, he talks about his wife as “waste material”, well, well. I wish you could get it soon.

“waste material” is about the woman who gave birth to his children and with whom he lives, sleeps with, eats food prepared by her, puts on washed and ironed shirts with her. Ugh! Well, you know. If you want such “happiness” for yourself, take it, you don’t deserve anything else! Similar to similar.

Ugh, how long can you listen to these heart-warming love stories.

Guest - 6, did your loved one have children? How did you resolve this issue?

If you love both, then you need to be together, don’t forget the children, provide financially, and don’t torture your wife, and let her go while she’s young and can arrange her life.

take this nasty thing away from your wife! waste material. ugh, abomination!

We dated for 4 years. Now we live together. But how much effort and mental anguish was spent! How many tears have been shed! You wouldn't wish it on your enemy! Think carefully. Can you stand it?

8, everything is correct

waste material, completed stage, what? well, love has passed, maybe it’s already sickening to stand next to you?, you might think that you can force yourself to love..

in a global sense, it’s not a sin, of course, because it’s a sin when a husband and wife are married, and the registration in the registry office according to God’s laws means nothing, decide for yourself what to do in this situation, I think your man is a goat, since he says such things about his wife.

In principle (24 -Guest) the wife is no longer young - (40 YEARS OLD) I also feel a little sorry for her.

25 is also correct. To be honest, I would be afraid to build a life with a man who calls his wife (not his ex, but his present one) waste material - after all, they will talk about you like that in a few years

30, 40 years old is young, at this age they get married and give birth to their first children. How old are you and the children?

Author, what do you think about this statement of his about waste material? You know, at first I thought that there were exceptions: suddenly he really loves me. And after this phrase it became a little scary. How can you call a woman with whom you lived together for several years, with whom you are married, who gave birth to 2 children, waste material? Let's say he doesn't love her, and also that he sleeps with her in different beds (unlikely, of course, but there are exceptions). But no one has abolished such a concept as basic respect for a person. I have no words. Take him away from his wife quickly (maybe it will work out). I feel sorry for the woman: she got it.

Girls, thanks for the answers, on the topic.

From the point of view of the Christian religion, adultery is a sin. Adultery is considered sexual relations out of wedlock.

As for waste material, this is an indicator of consumer attitudes towards women. This means that he will “work out” the other woman in the same way and throw her away due to wear and tear. ***** man.

Lord, people get divorced, get married, 10 times, this is life.

On the other hand, if there is no love in the family, why torture both yourself and your wife.

Everyone has the right to HAPPINESS.

My lover left me after 2.5 months of our relationship. If the relationship more than a year- it will take too much effort to leave/leave, and you need it, if he thinks for so long, it means his love for you is not so bright. Moreover, he says such nasty things about his wife. My husband, when he was still my lover, only allowed the most unpleasant things about his wife about her: “we are different people, it’s not very easy for us to be together.”

if his wife is “wasted material,” then you, the author, are “unfinished material.” material.

Of course, I think this is a sin. That’s why we need your advice. Loving a married man is scary.

there was a daughter there. I finished school, went to college in another city, and now we support her monthly with a certain amount.

40 years is certainly not youth, but it is far from old. The point is not at all about the wife, who is “past”, but about the man’s weak penis, which only stands on his young body. And I’m sure that it doesn’t matter, the Author just doesn’t understand it yet.

38 the “Mistress” project is in development - a guy has a technical background, everything is simple and clear..

Motorist, well, love is actually possible.

It’s simple, author: you strictly set the condition “first the divorce - then our relationship” and then everything becomes clear (to what extent the wife is “in the past” and “waste material” and to what extent he has unearthly love for you). If he really loves you, he will divorce you without any excuses, but if you are just a “vapor pod” for him, there will be a lot of “BUTs” and divorce will immediately become almost impossible :)

Good luck and I wish you not to be disappointed in your “macho man”))))

Lenok "Lord, people get divorced, get married, 10 times, this is life."

Normal people don't change their wives 10 times. It’s expensive, and most often it’s a waste of money.

Shanti, I don’t believe in the ability of love of a man who calls a woman with whom he has two children (of his own free will) a work-off. There is obvious cynicism. Cynics do not know how to love anyone (except themselves).

guest-44, thank you for the advice.

Yes Lenok. everyone has the right to happiness. especially for children who are about to be abandoned.

And besides the right to happiness, there is a sense of duty.

For the author. A man over 40+ is in the midst of a midlife crisis. The man is rushing about in mental turmoil, a personal crisis. In such a state, picking up and taking her away from her lawful wife is a piece of cake. There's just one problem. Usually, after walking for a couple of years on free bread with a young new love the man knocks back: they say he was wrong, gray hair in the beard - a devil in the rib, they say forgive the fool, we have children and in general have been together all our lives. Why does it come back? (exactly for 40)

1) the young lady in the bed feels very good at first, but the first frenzy passes. she gets a little bored and starts to strain herself. Unlike her age-mate, her wife, you won’t complain about sciatica or that your pancreas is acting up today

2) with a young lady you have to start everything over again in material terms, but with an old wife there is an established way of life, house - full bowl. Again, the children are grown up. and with a young woman, diapers are looming ahead again...

3) well, children. While sperm toxicosis was putting pressure on my eyes and the romance was in its brightest phase, I didn’t give a damn about it, and then I got fucked and started tossing and turning at night, how are the children??

In short, it's inconvenient. I feel uncomfortable and my favorite borscht is missing.

In addition, the expediency of removing this particular frame is questionable. The phrase about “wasted material” very much characterizes the personality of this person. Especially considering that he is discussing this issue with you in such words. Indecent.

In addition, there is a nuance. All married people dating their mistresses sing the same songs: 1) she doesn’t understand me. 2) I live with her for the sake of the children 3) I don’t sleep with her (yeah, and if then it suddenly turns out that during your affair your wife somehow miraculously became pregnant or gave birth, it was she who meanly got her drunk and raped her)

You yourself have heard about this more than once or twice. But EVERYONE is strange. The lover of a married goat is absolutely sure that this is about someone. but her case is special. They only come to their senses after losing a couple of years of youth.

If you want to take a risk, go ahead. Maybe you'll take me away. This is unlikely to bring you happiness, but what if you have a truly unique case of true love?

Taking a man away from the family is generally a sin, but a tolerable one. But father from children is a great sin. It’s a sin to offend children

His son is 16 years old and his daughter is 5 years old. I am 23 years old. He says that he has never experienced such vivid feelings and emotions before. For the first time in his life, he experiences such serious feelings.

Am I committing a sin by dating a married man whom I love dearly?

Peace to you, Tatyana!

Yes you do. In order to understand what is happening and why this is a clear sin, put yourself in the place of his wife. Those. if you were this man's wife, and he started dating a woman who loves him. How would you feel? Especially considering that when you got married, you counted on his loyalty, on family happiness, on the desire to jointly overcome the difficulties that inevitably occur in family life. And he suddenly went to another.

Answering your question, I myself for a moment imagined that now some woman, or even several women, would suddenly fall in love with my husband. Why not? He is a man with a lot of merits, smart, kind, and very pleasant in appearance. I can imagine that among the millions of women who exist in our country, there may be hundreds who can sincerely love him. So I imagined it... and I felt very uneasy, to be honest: VERY uneasy.

Just don’t be disingenuous to yourself, dear Tatyana. Try your best to be honest. With your lust you are destroying the lives of two people, and if they have children, then more people.

Why do I call your feeling lust and not love? Because what you are doing does not fit into the definition of love given in the Bible (1 Cor. 13:5-6). True love does not go wild, but you pull the blanket of someone else’s family life onto yourself, destroying what was created before you and was never yours. True love does not seek its own, and you only think about being happy, so that you too can snatch joy. True love does not rejoice at injustice, and you create injustice both towards that woman (you offend her) and towards her husband (you please him, although he is, in fact, a traitor and an unworthy person).

What you are talking about is normal phenomenon for the pagan, perishing world. If you call yourself a Christian, i.e. disciple of Jesus Christ, you will need to carefully and prayerfully consider what the Bible says to your family.

Matthew 19:5-6 “And he said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Matthew 18:7 “Woe to the world because of temptations, for temptations must come; but woe to the man through whom temptation comes.”

1 Corinthians 6:18 “Flee fornication; Every sin that a person commits is outside the body, but the fornicator sins against his own body.”

May GOD help you to start thinking righteously,

Communication: 5 reasons not to date a married man

We all make mistakes often. Sometimes it seems to us that love will overcome all obstacles, so we have to get involved in it up to our ears, and then at least the grass won’t grow. Therefore, an affair with a married man is a fairly common occurrence in the lives of women. But, by and large, this is a hopeless adventure with a 99% failure rate. Why is it better to run away from busy men further away and preferably immediately?

Almost every “married man” will tell you heartbreaking stories about his wife, who is sick with an incurable disease that he cannot leave, about “the youngest will grow up - and we, my love, will be together,” about “don’t worry, we’ve been sleeping with her for 20 years now.” different rooms” and so on.

All this is lies and “noodles on the ears.” Because if a man wants to leave for another woman, he takes it and leaves, no matter what. Because he understands that living with a woman whom he does not love and cheats on her is 100 times worse than leaving her and giving her a chance to meet a normal loving man.

But sitting on two chairs is quite a profitable activity - here it’s borscht, and here it’s sex and fun, why not? In addition, you react to him so joyfully, thereby increasing his self-esteem, because at home there is only the same borscht and boredom.

Of course, there are situations when women lack conscience. Then you can skip this point. But in most cases it still exists and often reminds us of itself through remorse. Therefore, having sex with a married man, you will, one way or another, be ashamed, and every time you will come up with a million excuses for what you did, that “it’s love!”, or “it’s just sex,” or “it’s his fault, I have nothing to do with it.” Self-deception of this kind may work several times, but as the situation drags on, the anvil of shame will become heavier and heavier. That is, your relationship and “great love” will bring more discomfort than joy. Something is not right here, don’t you think?

If you are still not married, but really want to get there, then you should not waste time on men who are already “there”. You will waste a lot of time, emotions, health, youth and beauty on a completely unpromising story, while a man, in general, will not lose anything, but will only gain, by the way, at your expense. This one-goal game will end in your own defeat, and the prize in the form wedding ring and you are unlikely to wait for the oath at the altar. When you finally realize that there is nothing left to catch here, it may be too late. Much has been missed, the rating has fallen, and vitality decreased. And the right ring finger is still ring finger.

A man who is busy with another woman will not be able to spend the whole weekend with you, spend the night next to you every night, and also go on vacation to the ocean, because there is only one vacation and two children. Calls, SMS and other communications will occur only when it is convenient for him. The rest of the time, you are unlikely to have the opportunity to freely call him at 3 in the morning with an offer to watch the sunrise on the embankment, and he is unlikely to have the opportunity to keep you company. And such inconsistencies will concern everything: in order to avoid publicity and “protecting his wife” from unnecessary information, he will not introduce you to friends, family, take you with him to his company’s events, and so on. Therefore, most of the time you spend without it, you will be in a constant state of anticipation.

Admit it, would you like your husband to cheat on you? I think no. But, you know about the boomerang law - what we do comes back to us. All the pain, resentment, and suffering that we cause to others will return sooner or later, and most often in a worse form. In this regard, by becoming a mistress, you project into the future that the same situation is quite possible with you, only there you will already be a wife. The simple rule of life “don’t do what you don’t want to happen to you” works unquestionably. And if you may be lucky once or twice because of your youth, then you should not delude yourself, because this will not always be the case. And the boomerang will return.

Don’t be shy to find out during your first dates Family status men. Of course, no one is stopping him from lying, but usually, if you ask a question at the most inopportune moment and directly, then the lie will be noticeable by the reaction. This way you will get the exact answer - is it worth continuing the relationship with this wonderful single man or ending it without starting, so as not to suffer for a much longer period.

Married man: love or forget

Judging the mistress of a married man is easy, pleasant, and sometimes even good for self-esteem. She did not follow her still young husband to military camps, did not darn his socks when he was a low-level manager, and did not bring him lunches to the library, where he wrote his first dissertation. The mistress of a married man brazenly came to everything ready and took away by the leash what was fed, raised and suffered through years of incredible work legal spouse. Or she tried to take her away, for which she is still worthy of censure and a series of curses.

Or maybe it’s sympathy? After all, it is not to a married man’s mistress that they return every evening, it is not with her that they share the most important and insignificant news first, and it is not with her that they rejoice in the successes of their children. At least once in her life, any woman has found herself in the situation “I love a married man,” but if not, then she will most likely have to do it. Because fate is unlikely to spare any effort on its favorite trick called “don’t swear.” And when the trick is successful, the question is how to behave with a married man? - doesn’t seem so simple anymore.

Scenario one: seeing the ring, urgently evacuate through the emergency exit

Moral damage: minor, one-sided and temporary.

What to do: Don't let the relationship develop into something more than just friends. Oh, how many of them there are, unfortunate lovers who once naively decided that light flirting or non-binding sex with someone else’s man does not threaten complications.

“I never thought that I would be a lover. I didn’t condemn it, no, but I didn’t see the point in it either,” says Anna, 23 years old. - Then I accidentally met Sergei and started communicating with him, knowing that he was married. I decided that I would just have a little fun, that’s all. He ended up being my first true love. Of course, I promised myself not to demand anything and not to trust him. But how can you not trust when you love? You justify everything, you forgive everything.”

To avoid excruciating pain later, it is better to immediately mentally label a married man as “outside the game.” There are women in Russian villages who seem to have been born with a happy blindness to looped individuals. For them, a “married man” is the same as a child, a woman or an old man who is not a potential sexual partner. Yes, if relationships could be painlessly interrupted with just an effort of thought, there would be no broken families and single women. But you can’t order your heart, so it’s better to keep your hands away from sin: you shouldn’t allow anyone to touch you, you shouldn’t touch a man yourself, and no kisses! Not to mention more. Out of sight, out of mind; drive thoughts about a man out of your head. Then the heart will be unaffected, and everything will be cut down at the root.

Scenario two: pull the stop valve on a relationship that has already begun

Moral damage: significant, but one-sided and temporary.

What to do: Convince yourself that relationships, although they bring joy, lead nowhere. According to experienced or even more likely “professional” mistresses (yes, there are such), three months is a sufficient period of time to not yet get used to dependence on a married man, but at the same time to understand whether he is ready to separate from his wife for the sake of another woman .

“When entering into a relationship with a married man, a woman does not always understand that “I love” is the main and only word to wait for,” notes Natalya Tolstaya, a psychologist with experience in relationship issues. “Because a man doesn’t necessarily date a woman to make her happy or stay with her forever.”

The words of the specialist are confirmed by the culprits of the love incidents themselves, in the person of 35-year-old Vadim: “I am absolutely convinced that a man, within a minute after meeting, knows exactly what importance this or that woman will have in his life, whether she will become his wife or remain nothing.” . And a mistress will never take the place of a wife. These women are too different for us, and we see no point in swapping them.”

Being an eternal lover is a much more difficult fate than gathering the strength to break off a meaningless relationship. True, you will also have to compete with a man who may not want to give up a pleasant life bonus. “After six months of a relationship with a married colleague, I decided to call it a day,” recalls Irina, 26 years old. “He started stalking me in the office, calling me after work, coming at night just to “look at me.” Ruined my new relationship. Finally, one day he told me that he had left me a “gift.” I got tested and found hepatitis.” Incredible, but true: this scoundrel is not a figment of the imagination of the author of this article, but a real specimen. “How scary it is to live!” - Alexander Kuprin would say. By the way, he left his family for his mistress.

Scenario three: enter the battle for your happiness

Moral damage: significant, comprehensive, but temporary.

What to do: believe with all your heart a man’s skillful tales about a terrible shrew-wife who snatches away from the world, doesn’t allow him near his body, turns the children against their father, and doesn’t give a divorce. Forget that all of this is most likely a blatant lie. Feel sorry for the unfortunate person and start fighting for his (and your) happiness with my own hands. Psychologists reluctantly recommend in such situations to create an atmosphere of coziness and comfort around a man, making his home a quiet haven where he will want to return again and again. Experienced lovers advise not to ask a man for anything, to accept any opportunity to go somewhere together or an insignificant gift, even just a chocolate bar, with delight and outpouring in the spirit of “you are my hero!” Never talk about your wife, so as not to associate yourself with her in the mind of a man, and certainly never force a man to make comparisons with her. Become the best and most passionate sexual partner. It's perfect to play the role of a silly girl in love. Finally, part ways by informing the man that they are expecting him with his things within a month, and then otherwise They don't wait at all. Give your address and completely disappear for this time. At the same time, be sure all the way that if a man really leaves his family, it will be the happiness of his entire life for his mistress.

“I didn’t really need any of my married partners,” admits Elya, 28 years old. - As soon as each of them showed up on my doorstep with a suitcase, I did big eyes and said: “Sorry, I was wrong! It wasn’t love, maybe we can remain friends?” And they left looking like a beaten dog, although they flew in like eagles. I believe that married men are initially second class to free girl, and they cannot be taken seriously. At best, a married man will be taken away, used and thrown away, like unnecessary thing. Because who wants a liar who can’t be in an honest relationship?”

Scenario four: learn to live as a mistress

Moral damage: significant, one-sided and permanent.

What to do: realize that a man leaving the family is an exception to the rule, and come to terms with the fact that the relationship with him has no future. “Weddings of lovers are very rare. But those who did live to see them compare such a marriage to the morning after defending a dissertation, which they wrote with difficulty for many years, says psychologist Natalya Tolstaya. “In most cases, the mistress remains a “secret joy”, playing second fiddle to his wife, children and work.” To make the burden of an eternal mistress lighter, a married man cannot be turned into the only outlet in life. Career, other men, friends and your own freedom should always remain in first place. At the same time, the mistress should learn to maintain independence and not let the man enter the door if something in his behavior does not suit him. Ideal woman(after his wife, of course) is a muse who never spoils the mood and lives so captivatingly that she infects with her energy. This is the only way a relationship with a married man can bring joy, in addition to constant pain.

Svetlana, 35 years old: “I am the mistress of a married man. I really love him. And it doesn’t bother me at all that he has a wife and children, because I don’t want to get married. I've been there before and didn't like it. And I have children too. I don’t want to understand his relationship with his wife: let her leave if she doesn’t like something. How I once left ex-husband after learning about his infidelities. Now I live wonderfully - no everyday life, only joy: varied sex, restaurants and my favorite job, where we are colleagues in equal positions.” Commendable, albeit unenviable.

If the relationship does not bring joy and has become more like a difficult one psychological dependence, amputation is inevitable. And better sooner than later. In other cases, the truth is true: a mistress has the same right as a wife to love the chosen man.

A long-term relationship with a married man is particularly passionate or tender. He, tired of household responsibilities and scandals, happily accepts your love and gives a lot in return. This seems to be happiness. But every happiness has an ending, and all actions have consequences, and they are not always positive.

Being a lover is easy only when you are a self-sufficient woman who enjoys extreme adventures and sex, and also tries not to fall in love with her partners. But it’s difficult for a woman’s nature not to fall in love with someone you sleep with and who treats you with tenderness and understanding. This is the rub.

Being the mistress of the man you love is the worst thing. This is a clear path to a nervous breakdown, because jealousy and hope for a happy outcome are depressing. Alas, men are often not ready to leave their family and cozy nest, preferring to keep their lover close to them.

As a result, we have to count on three scenarios:

He leaves his wife, and you start your own family (unlikely - 10%).
He leaves you, preferring family warmth and stability (65% probability).
He drags out the relationship, and you date until your wife finds out about the relationship (25% chance).

Your wife will most likely do everything she can to make your life hard for at least some time. It will be difficult to survive the betrayal of a loved one and the onslaught from his official other half. This is one of the reasons why psychologists recommend not communicating with your lover’s missus and keeping your relationship a secret.

Consequences of a relationship with a married man in the very near future

At first everything will be simply amazing. The guy is ready to kiss your hands and feet, constantly whisper about love, give gifts and cajole you with a story about how you will celebrate some important holiday together, in a common house. He does this to “glue” you to himself more tightly, and also to convince himself that he is doing everything right.

There are two types of men who go for long term relationship with his mistress:

Gentle romantics who want to find a new object of love and inspiration.
Lovelaces, thus proving their superiority. They need to be expected at any moment, desired with all body and soul. They love few people except themselves, so sometimes they even have several mistresses.

Relationships with the first type are pleasant, and if the wife does not find out about them, they will have only positive consequences. And an extramarital union with a second one will only bring tears and nerves, and in the near future. You shouldn’t rely on such people, although it’s especially easy to fall in love with them, because girls adore “bad boys.”

Try to realize as quickly as possible who you are dealing with. But you shouldn’t give all of yourself to the ladies’ man; only separation will be the best solution for both.

What consequences can there be from a relationship between a married woman and a married man?

The worst option is a relationship between a married woman and a married man. The constant hassle, the need to hide and lie, especially if both have children, just drives you crazy. It can only be worth it if you are in love and are ready to endure all the problems for the sake of it. If it’s just sex between you, it’s better to think about it: does this adventure make sense?

The worst thing that can happen is that your other half will find out about it. And it often turns out that even if you both swore that you don’t need them and love each other, you still break up, returning to your spouses. Some even understand that forgiveness on the part of the rightful soul mate opened their eyes to the feelings hidden in the depths of their souls for her.

Sometimes relationships need a release in the form of betrayal in order to begin to appreciate stability, peace and comfort.

It also happens that your significant other does not forgive, and you are left without families, just the two of you. Initially, this may seem like a good idea, but over time, hatred develops towards the one who deprived you normal life and made me go through divorce, hysterics, insults. It's good when you support each other at such a moment. It's terrible if everything is wrong. This means that you didn’t really need each other, having lost your families for nothing.

Psychologists advise married people to choose only one of two options:

Sometimes make love without any obligations (this helps to take your mind off problems around the house and quarrels with spouses).
Get together and build your family, telling your spouses about it.

There cannot be intermediate options, since they are the most painful and will only bring disappointment to the lives of many people.

Is having an affair between unfree people a sin?

If you look from the point of view of biblical laws, then the connection between unfree people is a real sin. Everyone remembers the commandment “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”

In some religions you can find references to the fact that dating a married man is not a sin. In Islam, for example, polygamy is allowed. But little is said about relationships with a married woman and always negatively. A girl must maintain comfort in the house, remain a good wife and mother, and also be faithful to her husband in all situations. Cheating on your husband is punishable by death in some countries.

In a civilized society, this, of course, does not happen, but cheating on your wife is still more acceptable. It is believed that guys are polygamous by nature, and for girls, banal promiscuity plays a role. In the emancipated world, they are trying to equalize these rights, but on a subconscious level, the love affair of unfree people is still condemned.

Negative consequences of dating a married man according to your zodiac sign

If you believe in astrology, you can turn to the stars for help. Find out the Zodiac sign of your beloved man, and you can see what consequences of your relationship are most likely.

Aries

Stubborn Aries will be with you until the end, telling stories about a happy life together. Most likely, he also tells his wife about love. Be careful with him and keep your distance.

a lion

With the help of such connections, Leos prove their uniqueness and stroke their ego. They love to play with people for their own pleasure. Don't allow yourself to fall in love with the owner of this sign, otherwise he will steal your heart and faith in love. It's better to step back and let them conquer you.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius understands exactly what he wants. He will never change out of the blue - the decision has been thought through hundreds of times. Most likely, he loves you and will not exchange passion for family comfort with his wife. However, such questions are purely individual.

Taurus

A romantic Taurus will give you all of himself, give you gifts and charm you with incredible sex. Taurus rarely lie, but they do it skillfully. Exists Great chance that the man will be devoted to you, but leaving the family is too difficult a decision for him. He understands that he is responsible to his family.

Virgo

Virgo does not like to cheat and does it only as an urgent need, when everything is completely boring. This fact allows you to believe in stories about a terrible spouse and a quick divorce. But don't get your hopes up too much.

Capricorn

Capricorns, like Leos, are the ladies' men mentioned above. They may have several mistresses, but they will not experience true feelings for any of them. Of course, Capricorn sometimes falls in love - he is a human being. Therefore, first, find out what exactly the representative of this zodiac sign feels towards you.

Twins

Geminis often lead a double life. They like to hide and lie, seem like a different person and seem to love someone else. For them, relationships on the side are a game and a release from family life. You should not completely trust and impose yourself on the twins. They can always find a new object to play with another person.

Scales

Libra soberly weighs the pros and cons before changing. They don't necessarily have to have problems at home. Perhaps the new passion is simply more profitable than the wife, so she is preferred. A relationship with a representative of the Libra sign will be full of amazing moments, but it is unlikely to last longer than a year.

Aquarius

Aquarius is looking for a soul mate. He usually cheats when his wife has moved away and the connection between them has faded away. It is important for him to share news and feel loved. If you give it, he will carry you in his arms. True, he won’t leave the family, but he will definitely give you unforgettable moments.

Cancer

Cancer is very faithful, because relationships with his mistress have a touch of love - he will not cheat just for the sake of physical gain. A representative of this sign is more likely to leave his wife than any other, since he has real and deep feelings for you.

Scorpion

Scorpio cares about quality sex, for which he is willing to cheat. In a relationship with a lover, this moment plays a key role. If you give him what, due to some beliefs and principles, his wife does not give, the relationship will last a long time. But don't expect a happy ending.

Fish

Pisces are kind and do not like to hurt anyone. Usually they endure for the sake of others, trying to hide their emotions. Relationships on the side end quickly and easily, even if they later regret it for the rest of their lives. Give the representative of the sign everything he needs - this is the only way you will keep him near you for a long time.

Weak girls who with all their hearts want to be loved, or girls who are in search of a financial life partner, are capable of dating a married man. Self-sufficient and serious people are unlikely to undertake such a gloomy adventure that does not bode well.

Are you still consumed by the abyss of passion? Then listen to the advice of psychologists:

Don't criticize your spouse. Try not to ask about her and generally forget about her for a while when you are near a man.
Do not try to contact the relatives of your loved one, and especially your wife, if you value the man. This could be the end of the relationship.
Don't make scandals and don't ask to choose one of you, pressure will only lead to separation.
Don't change in response. Representatives of the stronger sex value devotion above all else, even if it sounds absurd.
Don't be intrusive and follow requests. You should not call if your loved one asks you not to do so while he is with his family. Wait patiently for it to dial on its own.

The only option when it is worth fighting for a relationship is when a man is already divorcing his wife.

During the divorce, become the best person in the world for him and create a “paradise” where he will come with joy. Then he will be sure that he made the right choice, and you are his real soul mate.

Appreciate such a man, because for your sake he gave up the most precious thing in life - family and stability. Help me find it again without regretting what was lost.

Continuation. . .

My life is:

We say that the main thing in Christianity is love; in fact, God is love, as the Apostle writes. Love is more important than rituals, love is more important than theological subtleties, love is more important than everything. Our non-church interlocutors readily agree with this; but I would point out that there is a cultural misunderstanding here - the Apostle and the ordinary modern person, when they say “love,” mean slightly different things.

The sayings “love is most important” or, as St. Augustine said, “love God and do what you want” are true in their biblical and ecclesiastical context. However, people outside this context may find them confusing.

This misunderstanding has several symptoms. One of them is talk about how the requirements imposed by the church faith, both in the area of behavior and in the area of confession, can be neglected - the main thing is to love God and people. It doesn't matter how much you follow the Bible's injunctions, say, in the area of family life; it matters even less whether you confess Jesus Christ to be the true God, just a good man, an avatar, a “great initiate,” a tragically misunderstood rabbi, or whatever. It is important that you love God and people.

The misunderstanding associated with the word “love” can be illustrated by the following everyday example. A married man fell in love with an employee at work; no, this is not a fleeting attack of lust, this is precisely amore grande, a union of two hearts, Love (with a capital L) for life.

You've almost certainly seen something like this. In this case, the words “acting out of love” will mean for church Christian and for a non-church person things are exactly the opposite; For some, “acting out of love” will mean leaving your wife and indulging in a new feeling, for others - staying with your wife and crushing the feeling with an unshaking hand. Those non-church people who insist that it is still impossible to leave your wife (or cheat on her) will appeal to decency, a sense of duty, responsibility, but not to love. Indeed, the quality that prevents a married man from being carried away by new love will be described in secular language as “decency.” In the biblical context, this is precisely love, love for God and man.

In secular terms, "love" refers to feelings; it is an emotional experience, an experience in relation to which the person himself is a passive rather than an active person.

In ordinary language, the command to love another person would sound strange and incomprehensible; on the contrary, they often say that “you can’t order your heart.” “I fell in love” sounds like “I have heat"; “I am going through an experience that I cannot cause and have very little control over.” This is true not only in relation to romantic love: When it comes to friendship, some people are “likeable,” others are not.

The Lord, on the contrary, addresses us with the command to love: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind: this is the first and greatest commandment; the second is similar to it: love your neighbor as yourself; on these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets(Mt. 22 :37-40).

There are commands from a moralist - do this; There are commands of the Creator, with which He calls a new reality to life or restores what was destroyed by sin. When the Lord speaks in the Gospel to the man already decaying in the tomb, Lazarus, come out(In 11 :43), this is not just a command - it is a gift of new life.

A Christian is a person whom Christ leads from the tomb of his former life, a life in which he was alienated from God, to a new life - a life in which it is revealed to a person that God loved him and, long before his birth, planned his salvation. As the Apostle says, And we knew the love that God has for us and believed in it. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him(1In 4 :16).

Love in the Christian understanding is a reflection of God’s love, a reflection of His saving presence in our lives. Such love is rooted not in our fickle moods, but in the eternal and unchanging love of God; The unconditional faithfulness, long-suffering and forgiveness that Christians are called to demonstrate in their relationships with people are a reflection of His faithfulness, long-suffering and forgiveness. So, imitate God, like beloved children(Eph 5 :1) - says the Apostle Paul.

However, such following of Christ and imitation of His love means work, and, as Scripture and patristic literature often say, feat. We are sinful people and will be completely freed from sin only in the life of the next century; We live in a society and culture in which much of it bears the stamp of sin and rebellion against God. Therefore we are commanded elect love and obedience to God, to follow not our moods or feelings - which may be dictated by the imperfections of our nature or the pressure of the external environment - but the new life that Christ gives us.

In secular language, the phrase “love is most important” is perceived as “the most important thing is to have warm, pleasant feelings towards God or people”; if you experience such feelings (and there is nothing more vague and optional than such feelings), then the disturbing question about the relationship with God can be considered removed. I have love, and that’s the main thing; and all sorts of dogmas, rituals and going to Church are incomprehensible and unnecessary formalism.

It is clear that this is not what Christians meant at all; this is a misunderstanding. In fact, the Apostles are not talking about feelings, but about something else.

Love consists in this, that we should act according to His commandments(2In 1 :6).

However, when we talk about commandments, we encounter another misunderstanding; Now the word “commandments” or even “ten commandments”, as a rule, does not mean “the commandments found in the Holy Scriptures”, but something like “the norms of community life accepted in our culture.” Since “social norms,” like “universal morality,” are very, very vague concepts, it is impossible to understand whether I comply with them or not.

It’s very easy to decide that I keep them - and, therefore, everything is in order with the commandments.

However, “God’s commandments” and “universal morality” are not the same thing. They intersect, but do not coincide; moreover, they rest on different foundations. The first commandment of the ten says:

I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; let you have no other gods before me(Ref 20 :2-3).

The commandments are given within the framework of the Covenant, the special relationship that God establishes with His people. A person outside of these relationships may be an honest citizen, a caring family man, and a conscientious worker - but he cannot be said to keep the commandments. He no longer observes the very first of them.

There are other commandments that cannot be classified as “universal” - for example, the command of Christ to celebrate the Eucharist in His memory:

And he took the bread and gave thanks, broke it and gave it to them, saying: This is My body, which is given for you; do this in remembrance of Me. Likewise the cup after supper, saying: This cup [is] the New Testament in My blood, which is shed for you(OK 22 :19-20).

This is also a commandment; and about her too the Lord said:

If you love Me, keep My commandments(In 14 :15).

Yes, love for Christ, as He himself defines it, presupposes going to Church and participating in the Eucharist. And it also presupposes—let’s say this terrible word—dogmatics. The simplest appeal to Christ with the prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner” already presupposes the confession of Him as the Omniscient (that is, capable of hearing prayer) Lord and Judge - that is, God. You can, of course, refuse to say such a prayer, but in this case your decision will be no less “dogmatic” - only connected with other dogmas.

Recently, we should note another misunderstanding related to the word “love”, a misunderstanding when the Church itself is declared not only an alien, but also a force hostile to love. Actually, there is nothing unusual in the fact that popular philosophies and simply the mood of the masses, political and religious movements are looking for a way to either destroy the Church or remake it for themselves. The church is a rock against which the waves constantly crash with a roar - this was so in the 1st century, and it remains so in the 21st century. In different eras this was done under different slogans - the Church was attacked in the name of the fatherly gods, in the name of reason and science, in the name of blood and race, in the name of justice and a bright future, now we see how the Church is attacked, according to the attackers, in the name of love . Traditional Churches do not ordain women as bishops? They do this out of hatred for women! Does the Church View Abortion as a Sin? Where is the love for the unfortunate victims of circumstances? The Church does not ordain to the priesthood and crown among itself those who are stubbornly committed to the sin of Sodom? The Church must repent of its hatred of sexual minorities!

One could consider all this simply propaganda - how many of us who caught the communists heard anti-church slogans - but for many of our contemporaries it sounds convincing. Why? I think this is due to some features of modern - both Western and our - culture. Regarding how this culture sees love, one can say in the words of K.G. Chesterton - it presents partial truth as absolute. In the Church this is what is called heresy. In our time we are dealing with a heresy that reduces love to consolation. There is part of the truth in it - and even a very large part of it. As the prophet says, comfort, comfort my people(Is 40 :1), and the Apostle commands Christians to comfort the faint-hearted (1 Thess. 5:14). The Gospel is a good word, a word of comfort; Christians are called to support and encourage people who are discouraged in the face of the evil and suffering of this world. Moreover, the Gospel is a proclamation of the forgiveness of sins, and its consolation extends to everyone - no matter how low a person has fallen, no matter how gravely he has sinned, and there is hope for him, and a place is prepared for him at the Royal feast - a feast to which he called to enter by repentance and faith. It is no coincidence that both in the liturgical texts of the Church and in the lives of saints, the motif of a man who lived badly, even criminally, but then through repentance became a saint, is constantly repeated.

We are all sinful, mortal people, wounded by our own and other people's sins, deeply in need of consolation; and consolation is precisely what people tend to look for in the Church in the first place. There is nothing wrong with this, they are contacting the right address - but an error can easily arise here. Love can be manifested not only in consolation. Love can be deeply upsetting. Love can even crush.

We can give an example from an area quite far from spiritual life. I once watched several episodes of the British program “Set Back Your Body Clock.” The program features British ordinary people, men and women, devoted to wine and beer, fatty foods, a sedentary lifestyle, nervous at work and due to this very similar to Moscow ordinary people of their own age - fat, pale and tattered. They come to the doctor, who, after examining them with the help of various instruments, shows how their lifestyle has destroyed - and continues to destroy - their body, and why their hope of living at least 80 years is not destined to come true. Deeply shocked, dejected and frightened patients cry in front of the camera. After this, they are explained that they urgently need to change their lifestyle, exercise diligently, stop drinking, and so on - then they will avoid premature death. Patients follow these instructions, which is why their health, appearance And psychological condition are noticeably improving.

Let us note, however, that at first the doctor says extremely unpleasant things to these people. An unsympathetic viewer might say that people are being intimidated, they are told that their way of life is wrong, they are shown images on the monitor screen that are supposed to cause disgust and fear, they are assured that they will die if they do not listen to the instructions of doctors. Moreover, by assuring that everyone can turn from fast food to healthy eating and from lying on the couch to jogging, they instill in those who have not converted a feeling of inferiority, shame, guilt and social inferiority. Some people say exactly that.

I am, however, inclined to think that doctors are doing their duty and acting out of love - although their words do not initially bring much comfort to patients.

Another example, alas, is familiar to many - when your friend or relative becomes an alcoholic, he, as a rule, perceives any of your attempts to help him as a bitter insult - with hostility. In his opinion, you shouldn't lecture him or tell him what to do or not do, you should "help" him the way he wants. He believes that his problem is not that he drinks, but that he is surrounded by callous, cold people who do not want to accept him for who he is.

Even when we are talking about such a very specific and understandable thing as health, love does not always mean comfort. The Bible talks about much more important and complex things - about our eternal destiny. And many words of the Prophets and the Lord himself sound very harshly - if you do not repent, you will all perish the same way(OK 13 :3). A person has real choices with real consequences - not only regarding diet and lifestyle, but also regarding eternity. If a person chooses the path of destruction, this path will lead him exactly there. And the word of God persistently - and at times harshly - admonishes him to turn away from this path. Moreover, the psalmist - and with him every Christian - turns to God with a prayer for reproof: Test me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts; and see if I am on a dangerous path, and guide me on the eternal path(Ps 138 :23-24).

Why modern people Do they want only consolation from the Church and consider any denunciation, any indication of sin as a manifestation of “lack of love” or even “hatred”? This is due to one important feature modern culture is a culture without hope. A person of this culture is able to agree that a doctor has the right to tell unpleasant truths - we are talking about such a tangible value as health. Maybe if he listens to the doctors and changes his lifestyle, he will live twenty years longer. But for something greater man does not hope; in his world there is no place for eternal life, for paradise, for joy, the distant reflections of which would make one tremble with the hope of finding it and be horrified at the thought that it can be lost. All that exists is a short period of time allotted by nature, during which the inevitable process of aging will take away first physical attractiveness, then health, and then life itself. If there is nothing more to hope for, all that remains is to look for some kind of comfort, some accessible pleasures and some kind of consolation that can be obtained within these narrow limits. And when a person is faced with conviction of sin, he sees only that he is depressed and upset and is not able to understand why. It is from the culture of hopelessness that comes modern requirements to the Church - give us a little consolation, a little support, a little warmth and leave us alone with demands to somehow change your life. Are you saying that the Church has no consolation for us until we agree to repent, change our behavior, or at least our attitude towards this behavior? Oh, what callousness and lack of love!

And here we need to ask a person - even if not to convert, but at least simply to see the Church in its own perspective. We must try to imagine for a moment: what is said in the Gospel is true. Imagine that the words of Jesus Christ are true, and true in relation to each of us personally. The Church stands on the fact that eternal salvation is a reality that surpasses any other reality. This is not a convention, not a fiction, not role-playing game, not a set of ritual phrases inherited from a long-dead past. Eternal salvation or eternal destruction, unspeakable joy or unspeakable horror - this is what each of us rushes towards at a speed of sixty seconds per minute.

The Church proclaims not psychological assistance and not auto-training. The Church proclaims eternal salvation in Christ, eternal life, which we can forever gain - or forever lose.

We are strangers and strangers, our home is in Heaven; On the way we may have both joy and consolation, but insofar as all this does not interfere with Pavel’s main goal - our return to the heavenly Fatherland. The apostle compares the life of a Christian to the training of an athlete. Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the reward? So run to get it. All ascetics abstain from everything: those to receive a perishable crown, and we to receive an incorruptible crown. And that’s why I don’t run in the wrong way, I don’t fight in a way that just beats the air; but I subdue and enslave my body, so that, while preaching to others, I myself may not remain unworthy(1 Cor. 9 :24-27).

An athlete subjects himself to grueling training and various deprivations, he follows a regime, a diet, and denies himself many things - because he has a goal. He wants to take the prize. Any conscientious coach who helps him in this will, as they say, “stress” - demand to do something and give up something.

If a person does not believe in any prize, all these labors and hardships will seem to him complete nonsense; in fact, in this case they are nonsense. But then there is absolutely no need to join the team.

The Christian knows that at the end of the journey - and the journey can be very difficult - a joy awaits him that surpasses all understanding. He knows where he is going, he has a goal. The restrictions that a Christian accepts are related to this purpose. If you do not believe in any kind of eternal salvation, then it is likely that these restrictions will seem completely meaningless to you. If all we have is earthly life, and then we are buried and the burdock grows, all that remains is to take care of living our days as comfortably as possible, avoiding inconvenience and suffering, since no other consolations are in sight.

Of course, following our desires often turns into painful disappointment and bitterness here on Earth, but we will still eat and drink, for tomorrow we will die - and let the Church not spoil our mood with its talk about truth, abstinence and future judgment. But in this case, the Church will simply cease to believe in the Gospel and therefore cease to be the Church. Why would it be needed at all in this case? The Church testifies to the truth - “there is a way of life, and there is a way of death, and great is the difference between them (Didache 1 :1)". The Church does this precisely out of love. On the contrary, the words “love is the main thing, everything else is unimportant” turns into a convenient excuse to deprive oneself of faith, and a genuine relationship with God, and, of course, love itself.

The trouble is that people tend to fall into such misunderstandings again and again; as Aslan says in Lewis: “O children of Adam, how you know how to defend yourself from everything that is for your good!”