How to learn to talk to a child so that he listens to us. How to talk to a child so that he becomes successful

Simple Rules for Maintaining a Great Relationship with Your Children

Gippenreiter's book is based on the ideas of Thomas Gordon, outlined in his books Parent Activity Training (1970) and Teacher Activity Training (1975). The book is supplemented with ideas and practical applications developed by other authors in foreign and domestic psychology (from domestic scientists - primarily L.S. Vygotsky, A.N. Leontyev, P.Ya. Galperin).

Psychologists have discovered a very important pattern: the majority of those parents who apply for psychological help regarding difficult children, they themselves suffered from conflicts with their own parents in childhood.

Experts came to the conclusion that the style of parental interaction is involuntarily “recorded” (imprinted) in the child’s psyche. This happens very early, even in preschool age, and, as a rule, unconsciously.

Having become an adult, a person reproduces it as natural: most parents raise their children the way they themselves were raised in childhood.

“No one bothered with me, and that’s okay, I grew up,” says dad, not noticing that he grew up as a person who does not consider it necessary and does not know how to deal with his son, to establish warm friendly relations with him.

Another part of the parents is more or less aware of what exactly it is proper upbringing, but experiences difficulties in practice. It happens that theoretical knowledge brings harm to parents: they learn that they are doing “everything wrong”, try to behave in a new way, quickly “break down”, lose confidence in their abilities, blame and stigmatize themselves, and even take out their irritation on their children .

From all that has been said, a conclusion should be drawn: parents need to not only educate, but also teach ways proper communication with kids.

Lesson I: Unconditional Acceptance

Unconditionally accept the child- means loving him not because he is handsome, smart, capable, an excellent student, etc., but simply because he is!

Parents say: “If you are good, then I will love you.” Or: “Don’t expect good things from me until you stop...(being lazy, fighting, being rude), start...(studying well, helping around the house).”

These phrases directly tell the child that he is accepted conditionally, that he is loved or will be loved, "if only...".

The reason for the evaluative attitude towards children lies in the firm belief that rewards and punishments are the main educational means. Praise a child and he will strengthen in goodness; punish him and evil will retreat. But there is a pattern: The more a child is scolded, the worse he becomes.

If, despite the pranks, you love children, they will grow up and give up bad habits and actions. They will always respect themselves, they will have a sense of inner peace and balance. This will allow them to control their behavior and reduce anxiety.

Otherwise (if you love children only when they are obedient and make you happy), children will not feel sincere love, they will become insecure, this will lower their self-esteem, lead to inferiority, may prevent them from developing for the better, children will think that they It is useless to try to please adults.

Psychologists have proven that the need for love, to belong, that is, to be needed by another, one of the fundamental human needs. Her satisfaction is a necessary condition normal development child. This need is satisfied when you tell your child that he is dear to you, needed, important, that he is simply good. Such messages are contained in friendly glances, affectionate touches, and direct words.

Enjoy your child. Close your eyes for a minute and imagine that you are meeting your best friend. How do you show that you are happy with him, that he is dear and close to you?

Now it will be easier for you to do this in reality, before any other words and questions: your own child comes home from school and you show that you are glad to see him. It's good if you all continue this meeting in the same spirit for a few more minutes.

Hug your baby at least 4 times a day (morning greetings and a kiss goodnight doesn't count). 4 hugs are absolutely necessary for everyone simply for survival, and for good health you need at least 8 hugs a day! Not only for a child, but also for an adult.

Sweet words. It is necessary to tell the child: “It’s so good that you were born with us”, “I’m glad to see you”, “I like you”, “I love when you are at home”, “I feel good when we are together...”.

We don’t always follow our messages to children: “not like that,” “bad,” “everyone gets bored,” “a real punishment,” “I’m better off without you.” Children literally understand us! They are sincere in their feelings, and impart absolute sincerity to any phrase spoken by an adult.

Children experience resentment, loneliness, and sometimes despair. It seems to them that their parents are “not friends” with them, never speak “humanly”, “poke”, “yell”, use only imperative verbs: “do it!”, “take it away!”, “bring it!”, “ Wash it!” The more often parents get annoyed with the child, pull him back, criticize him, the faster he comes to the generalization: “They don’t like me.”

Children do not hear the parents’ arguments: “I care about you” or “For your own good.” More precisely, they can hear the words, but not their meaning. They have their own emotional accounting.

Tone is more important than words, and if it is harsh, angry or simply strict, then the conclusion is always clear: “They don’t love me, they don’t accept me.” Sometimes this is expressed for the child not so much in words as in a feeling of being bad, “not like that,” and unhappy.

See how successful you are in accepting your child: During the day, count how many times you addressed your child with emotionally positive statements (joyful greeting, approval, support) and how many times with negative ones (reproach, remark, criticism). If the number of negative calls is equal to or outweighs the number of positive ones, then not everything is going well with your communication.

Let's try to understand what reasons prevent parents from unconditionally accepting their child

Educational attitude

“How can I hug him if he hasn’t learned his lessons yet? First discipline, and then good relationships.

Otherwise I’ll ruin it.”

Mom, for “pedagogical reasons,” takes the path of critical comments and ends up in a vicious circle of discontent and conflicts. Where is the mistake? The mistake is at the very beginning: discipline is not before, but after the establishment of good relationships, and only on the basis of them.

The child was born unplanned

My parents wanted to live for “their own pleasure,” so they didn’t really need him.

We dreamed of a boy, but a girl was born.

The child is responsible for the broken marital relationship

For example, the son looks like his father, his gestures and facial expressions evoke deep hostility in the mother.

Increased educational attitude of the parent

An attempt to compensate for one’s failures in life, unfulfilled dreams or desires, to prove to one’s spouse one’s necessity, irreplaceability, the “heaviness of the burden” that one has to bear.

Lesson II. Parents helping their child. Carefully!

The child cannot cope independently

In general, different children react differently to their parents’ “it shouldn’t be this way, but this way”: some become sad and lost, others are offended, others rebel: “If it’s bad, I won’t do it at all!” The reactions seem to be different, but they all show that children do not like such treatment.

Why? Many things seem simple to us. But when we show and impose this “simplicity” on a child for whom it is actually difficult, we are acting unfairly. The child has the right to be offended by us!

How to correctly point out mistakes in order to teach?

Knowledge of errors is useful and often necessary, but they must be pointed out with extreme caution. First, you shouldn't notice every mistake; secondly, it is better to discuss the mistake later, in a calm atmosphere, and not at the moment when the child is passionate about the matter; finally, comments should always be made against the background of general approval.

A child is more tolerant of his mistakes than adults. He is already pleased that he is doing something.

We, parents, want to quickly achieve better results with comments. But it often turns out quite the opposite.

Rule 1. Do not interfere in the child’s business if he does not ask for help. By your non-interference you will tell him: “You’re okay! Of course you can handle it."

List of independent tasks

Make a list of things for your child that he can, in principle, handle on his own, although not always perfectly.

Entrust your child with several tasks and try not to interfere with them even once. Encourage your child's efforts, regardless of the outcome. Discuss your child's mistakes:

remember 2-3 mistakes, especially annoying ones. Find the time and appropriate tone to talk about them.

1. Four results of the exercise
2. The knowledge he will gain or the skill he will master.
3. Training the general ability to learn, that is, to teach oneself (less obvious result).
4. Emotional trace from the activity: satisfaction or disappointment, confidence or lack of confidence in one’s abilities.

A mark on your relationship with him if you took part in the classes. Here the result can also be either positive (we were satisfied with each other) or negative (the piggy bank of mutual dissatisfaction was replenished).

Remember, parents face the danger of focusing only on the first result (learned? Learned?). Never forget about the other three. They are much more important. Do not criticize or correct the child. And if you also show sincere interest in his business, you will feel how mutual respect and acceptance will increase, so necessary for both you and him.

Lesson III To-do zone together

When a child needs help

If a child has encountered a serious difficulty that he cannot cope with on his own, then the position of non-intervention is not suitable, it can only bring harm.

Rule 2. If a child is having a hard time and is ready to accept your help, be sure to help him. In this case: 1. Take upon yourself only what he cannot do himself, leave the rest to him to do himself. 2. As your child masters new actions, gradually transfer them to him.

Rules 1 and 2 do not contradict each other, but simply apply to different situations. In situations where Rule 1 applies, the child does not ask for help and even protests when it is provided. Rule 2 is used if the child either directly asks for help, or complains that he “doesn’t work out”, “doesn’t work out”, that he “doesn’t know how”, or even abandons the work he started after the first failures. Any of these manifestations is a signal that he need help.

Let's go together: it's very good to start with these words. These magic words will open the door to a child’s world of new skills, knowledge, and hobbies.

Child's zone of proximal development

This rule is based on the psychological law discovered by L.S. Vygotsky’s “zone of proximal development of the child.” At each age, each child has a limited range of tasks that he can handle on his own. Outside this circle are things that are accessible to him only with the participation of an adult or that are not available at all.

Children are usually active, and they constantly strive to take over what you do. Tomorrow the child will do on his own what he did with his mother today. The area of ​​activities together is the child’s gold reserve, his potential for the future.

The child’s desire to conquer more and more new “territories” of affairs is very important, and it should be protected like the apple of his eye.

Be sure to celebrate your child’s first, even small independent successes, and congratulate him (and yourself at the same time!).

As your child masters new actions, gradually introduce them to him.

How to protect your child’s natural activity? How not to clog it, not to drown it out?

It turns out that parents face a double danger:

Danger 1. shifting your part to the child too early;

Danger 2: too long and persistent participation of the parent.

Lesson IV. Lesson four. “What if he doesn’t want to?”

About difficulties and conflicts of interaction and how to avoid them

A typical problem: the child has completely mastered many obligatory tasks, but he does not do all of them.

1. You may not have gone all the way with him yet. After all, it seems to you that it’s easy for him alone to put all the toys in their places. Probably, if he asks “let’s go together,” then it’s not in vain: perhaps he It's still hard to organize yourself.

2. Maybe he just needs yours participation, moral support.

3. The root of negative persistence and refusal lies in negative experiences. This may be a problem for the child himself, but more often it arises between you and the child, in your relationship with him.

“I would have washed the dishes long ago, but then my parents would have thought that they had defeated me.”

How to correct the situation with disobedience?

Friendly, warm tone. This is the main condition for success, and if your participation does not help, if the child refuses your help, stop and listen to how you communicate with him.

Communication as equals. Together means equal. You should not take a position over the child;

children are very sensitive to it, and all the living forces of their soul rebel against it. Then they resist the “necessary,” disagree with the “obvious,” and dispute the “indisputable.”

Method L.S. Vygodsky’s idea to rid the child and himself of “guidance” is confirmed by scientific and practical research. External means of the organization.

A child learns to organize himself and his affairs more easily and quickly if he is helped at a certain stage by some external means: pictures for reminders, a to-do list, notes, diagrams or written instructions.

Such means are no longer the words of an adult, they are their replacement. The child can use them independently, and then he is halfway to handling the task himself.

Come up with some external means that could replace your participation in this or that child’s activity. This could be an alarm clock, a rule or agreement, a table, a list of morning tasks or necessary clothes in pictures, a special board on which each family member (mom, dad and two schoolchildren) can pin any of their messages (reminders, requests, just short information, dissatisfaction with someone or something, gratitude for something). Overly caring parents: they want more for their children than the children themselves.

The combination of too much educational activity of parents and infantilism, i.e. immaturity, children - typical and natural. Why?

The child’s personality and abilities develop only in those activities that he engages in of his own free will and with interest.

“You can drag a horse into water, but you cannot force it to drink,” says a wise proverb. The more persistent the parent is, the more unloved even the most interesting, useful and necessary school subject will be.

For love or for money? Faced with a child’s reluctance to do anything he’s supposed to do - study, read, help around the house - some parents take the path of “bribery.” They agree to “pay” the child (money, things, pleasures) if he does what they want him to do.

This path is very dangerous, not to mention the fact that it is ineffective. Usually it ends with the child’s claims growing - he begins to demand more and more - but the promised changes in his behavior do not happen.

Why? To understand the reason, we need to get acquainted with a very subtle psychological mechanism, which only recently became the subject of special research by psychologists. In one experiment, a group of students were paid to play a puzzle game that they were passionate about. Soon the students in this group began to play noticeably less often than their comrades who did not receive any payment.

The mechanism here, as well as in many similar cases (everyday examples and scientific research), is as follows: a person successfully and enthusiastically does what he chooses, out of inner motivation. If he knows that he will receive payment or reward for this, then his enthusiasm decreases, and his entire activity changes in character: now he is busy not with “personal creativity”, but with “making money.”

How to avoid situations and conflicts of coercion?

Coercion conflicts arise when a child does not do what he “should” do, and this spoils the mood for both. How to get things done?

First of all, you should take a closer look at what your child is most interested in. Some activities will seem empty, even harmful. However, remember: for him they are important and interesting and should be treated with respect. It’s even better if you can take part in these activities and share his passion.

It’s good if your child tells you what exactly is interesting and important for him in these matters, and you can look at them through his eyes, as if from the inside of his life, avoiding advice and assessments. It’s very good if you can take part in your child’s activities and share his passion. Children in such cases are very grateful to their parents.

There will be another result of such participation: in the wake of your child’s interest, you can begin to pass on to him what you consider useful: additional knowledge, life experience, your view of things, and even an interest in reading.

Many activities that are offered to children by parents or teachers, and even with demands and reproaches: they do not survive. At the same time they are good “grafted” into existing hobbies.

Rule 3. Gradually but steadily relieve yourself of care and responsibility for your child’s personal affairs and transfer them to him.

Transferring responsibility for your affairs, actions, and then your future life is the greatest concern you can show towards them. This concern is wise. It makes the child stronger and more confident, and your relationship more calm and joyful.

Take a sheet of paper, divide it vertically in half “Alone” “Together”. List all matters together by agreement.

See what can be moved from the “Together” column to “By myself”. Remember, each such room is an important step towards the child’s growing up.

The process of transferring responsibility to the child of his case is very difficult. It has to start with the little things. But even about these little things, parents are very worried, because they have to risk the temporary well-being of their child.

Rule 4. Unless it is life or health threatening, allow your child to face the unpleasant negative consequences of their actions (or inactions). Only then will he become conscious.

We have to deliberately let children make mistakes so that they learn to be independent.

You don’t always need to help your child with action: sometimes you can just sit next to him and listen. Even silence can help.“What if, despite all my suffering, nothing works out: he (she) doesn’t want anything, doesn’t do anything, fights with us, and we can’t stand it?”

- Be patient and continue to follow the rules! The result will come, don’t lose hope.

Lesson V. Active Listening When a child is upset, offended, failed, when he is hurt, ashamed, scared, when he was treated rudely, unfairly, when he is very tired,- show, teach, guide - you cannot help him.

If a child has an emotional problem, he needs to be actively listened to. Actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he told you, while identifying, calling “by name” his feeling or experience.

You cannot leave a child alone with his experiences. After all, with their advice and critical remarks, parents seem to tell the child that his experience is unimportant, it is not taken into account.

You need to let him know that you know about his experience (state), “you hear him.” Answers based on the method of active listening show that the parent understands the child’s internal situation, is ready to hear more about it, and accept it.

Such literal sympathy from a parent makes a very special impression on the child. Parents who demanded to “voice” their child’s feelings talk about unexpected, miraculous results.

Rules of conversation using the method of active listening.

1. If you want to listen to your child, be sure to turn to face him.

2. It is important that his and yours the eyes were at the same level.

Your position in relation to him and your posture are the first and strongest signals about how ready you are to listen and hear him.

3. If you are talking to an upset or distressed child, you shouldn't ask him questions. It is advisable that your answers sound in affirmative form.

Son (with a gloomy look): I won’t hang out with Petya anymore!
Parent: You were very offended by him.

This phrase is apt. It shows that the parent has tuned in to the “emotional wave” of his son, that he hears and accepts his grief. "And what happened?" or “Are you offended by him?” - phrases framed as a question and do not reflect sympathy.

4. Very important in conversation “keep a pause”. After each remark, it is best to remain silent.

This time belongs to the child; Don’t bother him with your thoughts and comments. A pause helps the child understand his experience and feel more fully that you are nearby. It’s good to remain silent after the child’s answer - maybe he will add something. If the child’s eyes do not look at you, but to the side or into the distance, then continue to be silent, very important and necessary internal work is happening in him.

5. If the child has provided enough information, it is sometimes helpful repeat what, as you understand, happened to the child, and then identify - call “by name” his feeling or experience in an affirmative form.

Sometimes parents fear that the child will perceive the repetition of his words as mimicking. This can be avoided by using other words with the same meaning.

SON (with a gloomy look): I won’t hang out with Petya anymore!
FATHER: You don’t want to be friends with him anymore. (Repeat what was heard).
SON: Yes, I don’t want to...
FATHER (after a pause): You were offended by him... (Designation of feelings).

Of course, it may happen that in your answer you did not accurately guess the event that happened or the child’s feeling. Don't be embarrassed, he will correct you in the next sentence. Be attentive to his amendment and show that you accept it.

Possible feelings: you were upset and offended, you were hurt and angry, you were embarrassed and annoyed, you were scared.

Results of the conversation using the method of active listening

Conversation using active listening is very unusual in our culture and is not easy to conduct. However, this method will quickly win your favor when you see the results it produces:

1. The child’s negative experience disappears or weakens. A remarkable pattern: shared joy doubles, shared grief is halved.

2. The child, making sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to tell more and more about himself. Sometimes in one conversation a whole tangle of problems and sorrows unexpectedly unwinds. How often do we leave children alone with the burden of their experiences, when a few minutes of listening would calm the child down?

3. The child himself moves forward in solving his problem. Positive results can be detected already during the conversation while actively listening to the child. Gradually, parents begin to detect changes of a more general nature.

Children are transformed: Parents report that it is a miracle that their children themselves quickly begin to actively listen to them.

Parents are transformed: parents notice something new in themselves; become more sensitive to the needs and sorrows of the child, and more easily accept his “negative” feelings. Parents begin to find more patience in themselves, become less irritated, and better see how and why the child feels bad. Many parents report that active listening helped them connect with their children for the first time.

Is it necessary to respond in detailed phrases when listening to a child? Not at all necessary. Sometimes children talk about everything that happened without closing their mouths. Then all the child needs is your presence and attention. Psychologists called this method "passive listening"- passive, of course, only externally. Here we use short phrases and words, interjections, simply facial signs that indicate that you are listening and responding to children’s feelings: “Yes, yes...”, “Aha!”, “Really?”, “Tell me more...”, “ Interesting”, “That’s what you said!”, “Just about...”, “So what?”, “Wonderful!”, “Wow!..”, etc. Short words are also appropriate when talking about negative experiences.

How to listen to a child if you have no time? How to interrupt it? If you don't have time, it's better not to start. You need to have some extra time. Started and interrupted attempts to listen to a child can only result in disappointment. The worst thing is when a conversation that started well is abruptly ended by a parent. When such cases are repeated, the child may only develop distrust of his father, and he will begin to evaluate attempts at active listening as a way to gain his trust, so that later he can hit him harder. Such mistakes are especially dangerous if you have not yet had good contact with your child and you are only taking the first steps.

A common misconception among parents is that active listening is a way to get from a child what you want from him (for example, getting him to do his homework). Not at all, active listening is the way to establish better contact with a child, a way to show that you unconditionally accept him with all his refusals, troubles, and experiences. If the child suspects that you are hoping to influence him “in your favor” in some new way, then resistance to your attempts will only increase.

Lesson VI. 12 against one

Obstacles to a child's active listening

Psychologists have identified types of traditional parental statements (automatic responses) that are real obstacles to the child’s active listening.

1. Orders, commands:“Stop it now!”, “Put it away!”, “Take the bucket out!”, “Get to bed quickly!”, “So I don’t hear this again!”, “Shut up!”
In these categorical phrases, the child hears the parents’ reluctance to delve into his problem and feels disrespect for his independence. Such words evoke a feeling of powerlessness, or even abandonment “in trouble.”

In response, children usually resist, grumble, take offense, and become stubborn.

2. Warnings, cautions, threats:“If you don’t stop crying, I’ll leave”, “Make sure it doesn’t get worse”, “This will happen again, and I’ll grab the belt!”, “If you don’t arrive on time, blame yourself.”

Threats are meaningless if the child is currently having an unpleasant experience. They will only drive him into a greater dead end.

When threats are repeated frequently, children get used to them and stop reacting to them. Then parents move from words to deeds, from weak punishments to stronger, sometimes cruel ones (belt).

3. Morals, teachings, sermons:“You must behave properly,” “Every person must work,” “You must respect adults.”

The endless repetition of tired phrases for the “hundred and first time” usually does not change anything. Children feel the pressure of external authority, sometimes guilt, sometimes boredom, and most often all combined.

The fact is that children are raised not so much by words as by the atmosphere in the house. If everyone in the family works hard, refrains from using rude words, does not lie, and shares homework, then rest assured that the child knows how to behave correctly.

If a child violates the “norm of behavior,” then it is worth looking to see if anyone in the family behaves the same way. If this reason disappears, then most likely your child “goes beyond” due to his internal disorder and emotional distress. In both cases, verbal teachings are the most bad way help the cause.

Does this mean that we shouldn’t talk to children about moral standards and rules of behavior? Not at all. However, this should not be done only in their quiet moments, and not in a heated situation. Otherwise, our words only add fuel to the fire.

4. Tips, ready-made solutions:“And you take it and say...”, “Why don’t you try...”, “In my opinion, you need to go and apologize,” “If I were you, I would give change.”

As a rule, we do not skimp on such advice. Moreover, we consider it our duty to give them to children. Often using myself as an example: “When I was your age...”

However, children are not inclined to listen to our advice. And sometimes they openly rebel: “You do it this way and I do it differently,” “It’s easy for you to say that!” ", "I know without you!"

What is behind a child’s negative reactions? The desire to be independent, to make decisions yourself. After all, we, adults, do not always like other people’s advice. And children are much more sensitive than us. Every time we advise a child on something, we seem to inform him that he is still small, inexperienced, and we are smarter than him, we know everything in advance.

The position of parents “from above” irritates children, and most importantly, it does not leave them with the desire to tell more about their problem.

Often children themselves come to the same conclusion that we previously tried to advise them! But they need to make a decision themselves - this is their path to independence. It is very important to give children this opportunity, although it is, of course, more difficult than giving advice.

5. Proof, logical arguments, notations, “lectures”:“It’s time to know that you need to wash your hands before eating”, “You get distracted endlessly, and that’s why you make mistakes”, “How many times have I told you! If you didn’t listen, you have yourself to blame.”

And here the children answer: “Leave me alone,” “Enough,” “As much as possible,” “Enough!” I'm sick of!".

IN best case scenario they stop hearing us, a “semantic barrier” or “psychological deafness” arises.

6. Criticism, reprimands, accusations:“What does it look like!”, “I did everything wrong again!”, “It’s all because of you!”, “I shouldn’t have hoped for you,” “Forever you!..”.

Such phrases cannot play any educational role. They cause in children either active defense: attack, denial, anger; or despondency, depression, disappointment in oneself, and low self-esteem gives rise to new problems.

Comments and commands become the main form of communication with the child.

Negative baggage of a child

Let's see how many commands and comments the child hears per day. Multiply these statements by the number of days, weeks, years during which the child hears everything. You will end up with a huge baggage of negative impressions about yourself, and even from those closest to you. In order to somehow balance this burden, he has to prove to himself and his parents that he is worth something. The very first and easy way(it is suggested by the parental style) is to criticize the demands of the parents themselves. What can save the situation?

1. Try to pay attention not only to negative ones, but also to positive sides your child's behavior.

2. Don't be afraid that words of affirmation addressed to him will spoil him.

3. Sometimes parents think that the child already knows that he is loved, so it is not necessary to express positive feelings to him. It's not like that at all.

4. Does it occur to us that children interpret our behavior, words, and facial expressions so literally? Do we always take into account that children perceive the world in black and white: either definitely yes or definitely no?

5. You yourself would survive well in the conditions of constant bombardment of criticism from yourself loved one? Would you not wait for kind words, would you not yearn for them?

7. Praise: “Well done, you’re just a genius!”, “You’re our most beautiful (capable, smart)!”, “You’re so brave, you don’t care.”

After all that has been said, the recommendation not to praise the child will sound strange. However, it is necessary to distinguish between praise and encouragement (approval): there is an element of evaluation in praise.

What's wrong with praise?

1. When a parent often praises, the child soon begins to understand: where there is praise, there is a reprimand. Praising in one thing, he will be condemned in another.

2. A child can become dependent on praise: wait for it, look for it. (“Why didn’t you praise me today?”)

3. Finally, he may suspect that you are insincere, i.e. praise for your own reasons. (It’s not true, you’re saying that on purpose so that I don’t get upset!)

OK

When reacting to successes, it is best to express your feelings by using the pronouns “I” or “me” instead of “you.” (I'm very happy! I liked so-and-so.)

8. Name-calling, ridicule:“Crybaby”, “Don’t be a noodle”, “Just a dumbass!”, “Lazy!”

All this - The best way push the child away and “help” him lose faith in himself. In such cases, children get offended and defend themselves: “What is she like?”, “Well, I’ll be like that.”

9. Guesses, “interpretations”:“I suppose he got into a fight again,” “I still see that you’re cheating again,” “I see right through you and even two meters below you!”

None of the kids (or even adults) like to be “figured out”? This can only be followed by a defensive reaction, a desire to avoid contact.

10. Questioning, investigation:“No, tell me anyway,” “What happened anyway? I’ll find out anyway,” “Why did you get a bad grade again?”, “Why are you silent?”

This type of error is close to guesswork, “interpretation.”

It is difficult to resist asking questions in a conversation. Still, it’s better to try to replace interrogative sentences with affirmative ones. The question sounds like cold curiosity, and the affirmative phrase sounds like understanding and participation.

11. Verbal sympathy, persuasion, exhortation.

Of course, the child needs sympathy, but not formal. In the phrases “Calm down”, “Don’t worry”, “Don’t pay attention”, “I understand you”, “I sympathize with you”, “It will grind, there will be torment”, the child can hear neglect of his concerns, denial or downplaying of his experiences.

Instead of a phrase, it is better to hold the child close to you.

12. Making jokes, avoiding conversation

Son: “You know, dad, I can’t stand this chemistry and I don’t understand anything about it.”
Dad: “We have so much in common!”

Dad shows a sense of humor, but the problem remains. And what can we say about such words as “Leave me alone”, “No time for you”, “You are always with your complaints.”

Habitual appeals or active listening to the child?

Habitual handling of advice and reproaches is also not “natural”, but empirically learned phrases.

Active listening is based on the principles of respect for the child’s personality, recognition of his rights to own desires, feelings and mistakes, attention to his concerns, rejection of the parental position “from above”.

All the types of answers we have discussed should not be used instead of active listening, that is, when a child has an emotional problem. If he is calm or if you feel that you already have emotional contact, then you can talk more freely: ask questions, give advice, and so on.

What if a child persistently demands the impossible, and at the same time cries or is very upset? Still, try to actively listen to him. Your first phrases in which he hears your participation may soften the situation somewhat. After this, try to dream with him about the impossible.

Lesson VII Feelings of parents. How to take off?

We, parents, are also worried and angry, tired and offended. We too find it difficult with children, sometimes even painful...

First, let's clarify what situations we are talking about. Most likely about those where the parent is more worried. In other words, these situations are the opposite of those we have dealt with so far when discussing the child's emotional problems.

By depicting the emotions of the parent and child in the form of two “glasses”, we get two situations. When a child experiences more, his “glass” is full; the parent is relatively calm, the level in his “glass” is low. And another situation: the parent is filled with emotions, but the child is not particularly worried.

Rule 5. If your child’s behavior causes you negative feelings, tell him about it.

“If I accept a child, does that mean I should never be angry with him?” No, that doesn't mean it. Under no circumstances should you hide, let alone accumulate, your negative feelings. They must be expressed, but expressed in a special way.

Under no circumstances should you keep negative feelings to yourself: you should not silently endure resentment, suppress anger, or maintain a calm appearance when you are very nervous.

With such efforts you will not be able to deceive anyone: neither yourself nor your child, because through nonverbal cues More than 90% of information about our internal state is transmitted. And it is very difficult to control them; it “breaks through” and results in harsh words or actions.

How to tell your child about your feelings so that it is not destructive either for him or for you?

Rule 6. When you talk about your feelings to your child, speak in the first person: talk about yourself and your experience, not about him and his behavior.

I-messages

Proposals must contain personal pronouns: I, me, me.

“What a look you have!” vs. “I don’t like it when children walk around disheveled, and I’m embarrassed by the looks of my neighbors.”

"Stop crawling around here, you're in the way." vs. “It’s hard for me to get ready for work when someone is crawling under my feet, and I keep tripping.”

"Could you keep your voice down." vs. "Loud music really tires me out."

The difference between “I” and “you” messages is small. However, in response to the “you-message” the child is offended, defensive, and insolent. Therefore, it is advisable to avoid them. After all, every “you-message” essentially contains an attack, accusation or criticism.

“I-message” has a number of advantages:

It allows you to express negative feelings in a form that is harmless to the child. Some parents try to suppress outbursts of anger to avoid conflict. However, this does not lead to desired result. It is impossible to completely suppress your emotions; children can be subtle and observant “psychologists”: the child always knows whether we are angry or not. And if they are angry, then he, in turn, may be offended, withdrawn, or start an open quarrel. It turns out the opposite: instead of peace, there is war.

2. “I-message” gives children the opportunity to get to know us, parents, better. We often shield ourselves from children with the armor of “authority,” which we try to maintain at all costs. We wear the “teacher” mask and are afraid to lift it even for a moment. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that Mom and Dad can feel something! This makes a lasting impression on them. The main thing is that it makes the adult closer, more humane.

3. When we are open and sincere in expressing our feelings, children become more sincere and begin to feel: adults trust them, and they can also be trusted.

4. By expressing our feelings without orders or reprimands, we leave the children the opportunity to make their own decisions. And then they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.

Mistakes to avoid:

1. Starting with the “I-message,” parents end the phrase with the “You-message”: I don’t like that you’re such a slob or “That whining of yours annoys me!”

You can avoid the mistake if you use impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns, generalizing words: “It annoys me when children whine.” or “I don’t like it when people sit at the table with dirty hands.”

2. The following mistake is caused by the fear of expressing feeling of true strength. For example, if you are horrified at the sight of your son hitting his little brother on the head with a cube, then your exclamation should express the strength of this feeling. The phrase “I don’t like it when boys do that” is in no way suitable here; the child will feel the falseness.

Rule 7. Do not demand from your child the impossible or difficult to achieve. Instead, look at what you can change in your environment.

Change the conditions and the problems will disappear: some parents put temporary barriers on the windows, remove everything breakable higher up, take expensive furniture out of the room so that the child can move freely, stick cheap wallpaper in his room with the reverse side so that he can draw on it.

Rule 8. To avoid unnecessary problems or conflicts, balance your own expectations with the child’s capabilities.

It is useless to demand from a child the impossible or very difficult, for which he is not yet ready. It’s better to change something outside of it, in this case, your expectations.

For example, it is impossible for a five-year-old boy to stand in line for a long time in one place.

All parents have expectations about what their child can or should already do and what they should not do. If expectations are too high, the result is negative parental experiences.

This does not mean that we should not “raise the bar” for the child, i.e. cultivate in him a practical mind, responsibility, obedience. This must be done at any age. But don't set the bar too high. And the main thing is to monitor your reaction. Knowing that your child is mastering new heights and misfires are inevitable can significantly increase your tolerance and allow you to be more relaxed about his failures.

Rule 9. Do not try to take credit for your child's emotional problems.

We are talking about the child’s experiences and ours. excessive excitement about children.

Have you ever heard from children: “Stop crying (being nervous, panicking), You’re only bothering me with this!”?

Behind this is the need for children to separate emotionally from their parents: to learn to be independent in the face of tense and even dangerous situations. Of course, they may need our participation, but delicate, unobtrusive participation.

What to do with your own experiences? Sooner or later you have to take risks: letting your son go alone across the street for the first time, allowing your growing daughter to meet New Year in the company of peers.

Our concern is justified, and we must, of course, take all precautions within our power. But how to talk to a child?

When a child faces a real test, it is easier for him to make a choice if he knows about our love, about our concern. The “I-message” will not give him a reason to do “out of spite”, in his own way, to commit a hasty, rash act. What if the “I-message” doesn’t work? Does your child not listen?

We should not think that the “I-message” and other methods that we are mastering are new ways to quickly achieve practical results. For example, force the child to learn his homework, wear a scarf, or refuse to go to the cinema. Their purpose is completely different: to establish contact with the child, improve mutual understanding with him, and help him gain independence and responsibility. As you can see, the goals are more distant and much more general.

How do I send an “I message” if I am very angry or angry with my child? Psychologists believe that anger is most often a secondary feeling. It arises on the basis of some other, primary experience. Therefore, if you want to throw an angry phrase at your child, wait and try to give yourself an account of the original feeling. For example, a child was very rude to you. Your first reaction may be resentment and pain.»

You heard a lot of unflattering words about him at the parent meeting and experienced

bitterness, disappointment, grief, shame.

The baby returns three hours late, leaving you terribly worried. The first feeling is joy and relief! It is best to express these first feelings: “ God bless! You're safe! I worried so much! Lesson VIII How to Resolve Conflicts

How and why do conflicts arise between parents and children? Obviously, the matter is a clash of interests between the parent and the child. Satisfying the desires of one party means infringing on the interests of the other and causes strong negative feelings: irritation, resentment, anger.

For example: Suddenly it turns out that there is no bread in the house. Mom asks her daughter to go to the store. But that one is about to start

sports section

When contradictions begin, some parents see no other way out but to insist on their own, while others believe that it is better to give in and maintain peace.

This gives rise to two unconstructive ways of resolving conflicts, which are collectively known as “Only One Wins.”

Parent wins

Parents who are inclined to use this method believe that it is necessary to defeat the child and break his resistance.

If you give him free rein, he will “sit on your neck”, “will do what he wants.”

Without noticing it themselves, they show children a dubious example of behavior: “always get your way, regardless of the desires of others.” And children are very sensitive to the manners of their parents and imitate them from early childhood. So in families where authoritarian, forceful methods are used, children quickly learn to do the same. It’s as if they are returning to the adults the lesson they were taught, and then “the scythe lands on the stone.”

There is another version of this method: gently but unpersistently demand that the child fulfill his desire. This is often accompanied by explanations that the child eventually agrees with. However, if such pressure is a constant tactic of parents, with the help of which they achieve their goal, the child learns another rule: “My personal interests (desires, needs) do not count, I still have to do what my parents want or demand.” In some families, children are defeated for years. They grow up either aggressive or passive. But in both cases, they accumulate anger, resentment, and the relationship cannot be called close and trusting.

Only the child wins

Along this path are parents who are either afraid of conflicts, or are ready to constantly sacrifice themselves “for the good of the child,” or both.

In these cases, children grow up as egoists, not accustomed to order, and unable to organize themselves. All this may not be so noticeable within the limits of family “general compliance,” but as soon as they leave the doors of the house and join in some common cause, they begin to experience great difficulties. At school, at work, in any company, no one wants to indulge them anymore. With their high demands on others and their inability to meet others halfway, they remain alone and often face ridicule and even rejection. In such a family, the parents accumulate deep dissatisfaction own child

and your destiny. In old age, “eternally compliant” adults often find themselves lonely and abandoned. Conclusion: incorrectly resolved, large and small, inevitably give an “accumulation effect”. And under its influence, character traits are formed, which then turn into the fate of children and parents. Therefore, it is very important to carefully consider every conflict of interest between you and your child.

Constructive way to resolve conflicts: Both parties win: both parent and child

This way of successfully resolving their conflict is based on two communication skills: active listening and “I-message”.

Step 1. Clarification of the conflict situation

First, the parent listens to the child. Clarifies what his problem is, namely: what he wants or doesn’t want, what he needs or is important, what makes it difficult for him, etc.

He does this in the style of active listening, that is, he necessarily voices the child’s desire, need or difficulty. After this, he talks about his desire or problem using the form of “I-message”.

You need to start by listening to the child. Once your child has made sure that you hear his problem, he will be much more willing to hear yours, and will also participate in finding a joint solution.

As soon as the adult begins to actively listen to the child, the severity of the brewing conflict subsides. What at first seems like “simple stubbornness” begins to be perceived by the parent as a problem worthy of attention. Then there is a willingness to meet the child halfway.

After listening to the child, you need to tell him about your desire or problem. This is a very important moment. It is no less important for your child to learn more and more accurately about your experience than for you to learn about his. Make sure that your statement is in the form of an “I message” and not a “You message.”

For example: It’s hard and offensive for me to run the house alone (instead of: “You all put the burden on me”), It’s hard for me to walk so fast (instead of: “You completely drove me”) - You know, I was really looking forward to this program (instead of: “Don’t you know that I watch it every day?!”).

Sending an accurate “I-message” in a conflict situation is also important for another reason: the adult has to think about what exactly his need is infringed by the actions or desires of the child. For example: the son decided to spend the saved money on chewing gum and stamps. However, his parents wanted him to buy a game instead of chewing gum. What personal need of the parents would be infringed if the boy bought gum? Yes, none! This means that there were simply no grounds for conflict.

It is forbidden. Unfortunately, quite often parents resort to prohibitions without thinking.

“You can’t do that!” And if a child asks why not, then they add: We don’t have to report to you.”

Often behind this “you can’t” there is nothing more than to assert your power or support your parental authority. If you try to account for at least yourself, it may turn out that behind this “you can’t” there is nothing more than a desire to assert your power or support your parental authority. What if the child is in danger

, and he insists on his own? If the life of a child depends on the urgency of your actions, then, of course, you need to act energetically, avoiding objections. However, orders and prohibitions are not suitable as the main methods of preventing any danger that is not fully understood by the child.

A dispute often flares up around the following question: should a child be allowed to touch a burning candle if he does not listen to the word “no” and continues to reach for the fire? And the older the children, the more expensive the cost of acquiring their own experience can become.

Of course, there is no universal answer here. But it is worth remembering that by systematically protecting children from danger, we may be exposing them to even greater danger, because we are depriving them of responsibility for their actions. At the same time, the successful practice of joint conflict resolution can serve as a good school for instilling vigilance and prudence in a child.

Step 2. Collecting proposals

This stage begins with the question: “What should we do?”, “What should we come up with?”, or: “What should we do?”

After this, you must wait, give the child the opportunity to be the first to offer a solution (or solutions), and only then offer his own options. At the same time, not a single proposal, even the most inappropriate one from your point of view, is rejected out of hand. At first, proposals are simply typed into the basket. If there are a lot of sentences, you can write them down on a piece of paper.

Step 3. Evaluating proposals and choosing the most acceptable one At this stage, a joint discussion of proposals takes place. By this time, the “parties” already know each other’s interests, and the previous steps help create an atmosphere of mutual respect.. The guys get a great lesson on how to solve “difficult” issues together. The practice of parents shows that when such situations are repeated, peaceful resolution of disputes becomes commonplace for children.

Often behind this “you can’t” there is nothing more than to assert your power or support your parental authority. If you try to account for at least yourself, it may turn out that behind this “you can’t” there is nothing more than a desire to assert your power or support your parental authority. Can't find a solution that suits everyone? The fear of not finding a solution acceptable to everyone is, as a rule, not confirmed. The method assumes the interest of both parties in a joint decision. In this case, ingenuity and a willingness to meet each other halfway are awakened.

Step 4. Detailing the decision made

Suppose the family decided that their son is already old, and it’s time for him to get up on his own, have breakfast and go to school. This will free mom from early worries and give her the opportunity to get enough sleep.

However, one solution is not enough. You need to teach your child how to use an alarm clock, show where what food is, how to heat up breakfast, etc.

Step 5. Execute the solution, check

Let's take this example: the family decided to relieve the mother's workload and divide household chores more evenly. Having gone through all the stages, we came to a certain decision. It would be nice to write it down on a piece of paper and hang it on the wall.

Suppose the eldest son had the following responsibilities: taking out the garbage, washing dishes in the evenings, buying bread and taking younger brother to the garden. If the boy did not do all this regularly before, then at first there may be breakdowns.

You shouldn’t blame him for every failure. It's better to wait a few days. At a convenient moment, when he and you have time and no one is annoyed, you can ask: “So, how are things going with you? Is it working out?"

Better; if the child himself speaks about failures. There may be too many of them. Then it’s worth clarifying what, in his opinion, is the reason.

Maybe something was left out, or some help is needed; or he would prefer another, “more responsible” assignment.

In conclusion, I note that this method does not leave anyone with a feeling of failure. On the contrary, it invites cooperation from the very beginning, and in the end everyone wins.

How to behave if a conflict breaks out between children? The worst thing is if a parent adds his own raised voice to the rising cry: “Stop it now!”, “Here I am now both of you...” Perhaps even worse is if he takes the side of one of the children; as a rule, it turns out to be the youngest. This can lead to the younger one being spoiled and the older one being persistently resentful and jealous.

In most cases, it's a good idea to leave the kids to figure it out themselves. You can send an “I-message” something like this: “I don’t like it when there is such a cry in the house,” “I like it when children sort out their own affairs.”

But there are times when a parent is drawn into permission child conflict as an intermediary. Then the constructive method turns out to be very useful.

You need to start, of course, by listening to each side. It is very important to observe the following principle: if you are currently listening to one child, and he begins to feel that you are delving into his problem, let him know in some way that he will be listened to just as carefully. Rest assured, the other child is very jealous of the tone of your conversation, and the lack of reprimand and peaceful notes in your voice may lead him to the conclusion that your sympathies are on the side of the “enemy.” Therefore, when trying to listen to the experiences of one, it is good to send signals to the other with a look, touch, or nod of the head: “Yes, I remember about you too, and soon I will be ready to listen to you carefully.”

Authority and authoritarianism

An authoritarian is a person who strives for power and, using force, seeks submission from others. Authoritative is the one whose influence on the actions of others is based on recognition and respect for his opinion, his personal qualities: competence, fairness, etc.

For a small child, parents are beings whom he reveres and adores. In the eyes of the baby, dad is the strongest, smartest, fair; Mom is the most beautiful, kind, wonderful.

Parents have this authority simply because they are adults, and the child is still small, inept, and weak. He unconsciously “absorbs” from his parents all manners of behavior, tastes, views, values, and moral standards.

But over time, the balance of forces changes. There is an inevitable equalization of the capabilities of children and parents.

A critical moment comes when the authority of parents ceases to rest on the advantages of adulthood.

What happens then? Parents face a dramatic choice between well-deserved authority and authoritarianism.

There is only one choice: to understand that the path of violence against a child is hopeless and sooner or later will lead to a break in the relationship.

An adult loses authority if he begins to rely on prohibitions, pressure and orders. He maintains authority if he remains a model of strength and experience.

Lesson IX What about discipline?

Children not only need order and rules of behavior, they want and expect them. This creates a feeling of security and makes life understandable.

Children are sometimes more willing to maintain order than adults. The reason for this is the desire for the familiar, for daily rituals.

Children intuitively feel that their parents’ “no” is hiding their concern for them.

Children rebel not against the rules themselves, but against the ways they are “implemented.” How to find ways to discipline a child without conflict? This is the most difficult task of upbringing; it determines whether a child will grow up to be an internally collected and responsible person or not.

Rules for maintaining conflict-free discipline

1. Rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) must be in the life of every child.

This is especially useful to remember for those parents who strive to upset their children as little as possible and avoid conflicts with them. As a result, they begin to follow the lead of their own child. This is a permissive parenting style.

2. There should not be too many rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) and they should be flexible.

This rule warns against the other extreme - education in the spirit of “tightening the screws,” i.e. authoritarian communication style.

Both rules, taken together, imply a special sense of proportion, a special wisdom of the parent in resolving questions about “can”, “should” and “cannot”.

4 color zones of child behavior Find golden mean

The image of 4 color zones of a child’s behavior will help you differentiate between permissive and authoritarian styles: green, yellow, orange and red.

Green Zone

In green we place everything that the child is allowed at his own discretion or desire. For example, what toys to play with, when to sit down for homework, what club to join, who to be friends with...

Yellow zone

Relative freedom is in the yellow zone. He is allowed to act as he chooses, but within certain limits. but subject to certain rules. For example, you can sit down for your homework whenever you want, but finish your work by 8 pm. You can walk in your yard, but don’t go further. This area is important because... this is where the child learns to according to the mechanism from outside - inside. At first, the parent helps the child restrain immediate impulses, be careful and learn to control himself precisely with the help of the norms and rules that are established in the family. Gradually, getting used to these rules, the child follows them without much stress. However, this only happens if there are no ongoing conflicts around the rules.

Therefore, the child’s conflict-free acceptance of demands and restrictions should be the subject of your special concern.

In each case, try to calmly (but briefly!) explain what caused your request. At the same time, be sure to emphasize what exactly remains for the child to freely choose. When children feel respected for their sense of freedom and independence, they are more likely to accept parental restrictions.

Orange zone

In the orange zone there are such actions of the child that adults do not welcome, but due to special circumstances they now allow.

We know that exceptions only confirm the rules; You should not be afraid of such exceptions if they are indeed rare and justified. But children are very grateful to their parents for their willingness to meet their special request. They are then even more willing to follow the rules in normal situations.

Red zone

In the red zone are the child’s actions that are unacceptable under any circumstances. These are our categorical “don’ts,” from which we make no exceptions.
You cannot hit, pinch or bite your mother, play with fire, break things, offend little ones... This list “grows up” with the child and brings him to serious moral standards and social prohibitions.

So, all the zones taken together tell us that the rule is different, and that it is quite possible to find a “golden mean” between the willingness to understand - and be firm, between flexibility - and inflexibility in the process of instilling discipline.

3. Parental requirements should not come into obvious conflict with the most important needs of the child. Excessive activity of children.

The answer is simple: all this and much more is a manifestation of natural and very important needs for the development of children in movement, cognition, and exercise. They need to move, explore, try much more than adults. Prohibiting such actions is like trying to block a deep river. It is better to take care to direct its flow in a convenient direction.

You can explore puddles, but only in high boots; You can also disassemble the watch, but only if it is old and has not been used for a long time; You can play ball, but not indoors and away from windows; You can even throw stones at a target if you take care that no one gets hurt.

School age. Starting from the age of ten or eleven, it becomes especially important for children to communicate with peers. They gather in groups, large or small, spend time outside the home more often, and consider the opinions of children more than adults.

Children often stop obeying their parents, and the consequences of this can be dangerous. To avoid complications, parents should be especially careful in the prohibitions “not to be friends,” “not to go,” “not to wear,” “not to participate...”

You need to be sure that the child does not perceive them as a threat to his status in the group of children. The worst thing for him is to become a “black sheep” or an object of ridicule, to be unaccepted or rejected by the guys. And if his position among his peers is on one side of the scale, and his parents’ “no” is on the other, then the first will most likely outweigh.

Patience and tolerance, and even a philosophical attitude will help you understand teenage fashion, words, expressions, music, hairstyles. Teenage fashion is like chicken pox - kids catch it and suffer it in a more or less serious form, and after 2 years they themselves smile, looking back.

Life values. What can parents do other than patience? A lot, and most importantly - to remain conductors of more general, enduring values: respect for the personality of another, nobility, honesty.

Many values ​​can be discussed with your child and implemented in your relationship with him. The child hopes so.

4. Rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) must be agreed upon by adults among themselves.

It is impossible for a child to learn the rules, to get used to discipline, when mom says one thing, dad says another, and grandma says something else. He gets used to achieving his goal by “splitting” the ranks of adults. Relationships between adult family members do not improve from this.

If one parent does not agree, it is better to remain silent, and then discuss without the child and come to a common opinion.

Consistency in following the rules is equally important. If your child went to bed at 10 pm instead of 9 for two days in a row, then on the third day it will be difficult for you to put him to bed on time; he will reasonably object that yesterday and the day before yesterday you “allowed” him.

It is worth remembering that children constantly test our demands “for strength” and, as a rule, accept only what cannot be shaken. Otherwise, they learn to insist, whine, and extort.

5. The tone in which demands or prohibitions are communicated should be friendly and explanatory rather than imperative.

Any prohibition is difficult for a child, and if it is pronounced in an angry or authoritative tone, it becomes doubly difficult.

Explanation of the reason. We have already said that the question “Why not?” You shouldn’t answer: “Because I said so,” “I command you so,” “You can’t, that’s all!” It is necessary to briefly explain: “It’s too late”, “It’s dangerous”, “It might break...”

The explanation should be short and repeated once. If the child asks again, it is not because he did not understand you, but because it is difficult for him to overcome his desire. What you've already learned will help here, such as active listening.

Orders and “You-messages” aggravate the child’s resistance. It is better to construct sentences in an impersonal form

“They don’t play with matches” instead of “Don’t you dare play with matches!”; “They eat candy after lunch” instead of: “Put the candy back now!”; “A cat’s tail is not meant to be pulled,” instead of: “Stop torturing the cat!” Discussion of possible difficulties.

It can be very useful, anticipating a child’s difficulty in fulfilling a requirement, to discuss it in advance. You can offer a choice of other options. The child will gain a little more experience of conflict-free discipline.

Punishments. What to do if the child does not obey?

If you follow all 5 rules, the number of disobediences your child will experience will be reduced many times, if not disappear altogether.

Still, no one is immune from misunderstandings, and there will come a time when you need to respond to clearly bad behavior.

Physical punishment

Physical punishment insults, angers, intimidates and humiliates children. They have more negative results than positive ones.

The Natural Consequence of Disobedience

A kid scratched by a cat, or a schoolboy who gets a bad grade for a lesson he didn’t learn, may for the first time feel the meaning and vital necessity of a parent’s demand.

We will still never be able to “lay straws” wherever our child might “fall.” But then, when he fails, you can help him a lot. Active listening is indispensable here: it helps the child draw his own conclusion from what happened.

You should not tell your child: “If you didn’t listen, blame yourself.” Firstly, the child remembers your warning very well, and secondly, he is now upset and deaf to comments; thirdly, it is difficult for him to admit his mistake, and he is ready to challenge your rightness.

Conditional consequences of disobedience

This type of punishment is more common and comes from the parent. It all starts with a warning: “if you don’t... then...”.

Such punishments are called conditional consequences of disobedience, because they follow naturally from the child’s actions, and are assigned by parents at their discretion.

Such punishments still cannot be avoided, but when applying them it is good to adhere to one very important rule.

6. It is better to punish a child by depriving him of good things than by doing bad things to him.

Children have a good sense of fairness: it is fair when a parent does not give them his time because he is upset or angry.

For example, children really value such family traditions. When a parent pays special attention to them and it’s interesting to be with him, this is a real holiday for a child. However, if disobedience or misconduct occurs, the “holiday” on that day or that week is canceled.

And if the parent always has “no time”, all upbringing is limited to demands, comments and “minus” punishments? In such cases, achieving discipline is much more difficult. But the main thing is the danger of losing contact with the child: after all, mutual discontent, which is inevitable here, will accumulate and separate.

Joy Zone

You need to have a supply of big and small holidays. Come up with several activities with your child or several family activities, traditions that will create a zone of joy. Make some of these activities or tasks regular so that your child looks forward to them and knows that they will come unless he does something very wrong. Only cancel them if there has been a truly tangible misdeed and you are truly upset. However, do not threaten to cancel them over trifles.

The joy zone is the “golden fund” of your life with your child. It is at the same time the zone of proximal development, and the basis of your friendly communication with him, and a reserve of conflict-free discipline.

Naughty children.

If communication with your child brings you more worries and sorrows than joy, or has reached a dead end, do not despair!

It is customary to blame naughty children. They look for evil intent, strong genes, etc. In fact, the “difficult” ones usually include not the “worst”, but the especially sensitive and easily vulnerable. They “go off the rails” under the influence of life’s stresses and difficulties, reacting more strongly than more resilient children.

Hence the conclusion: a “difficult” child only needs help - and in no case criticism or punishment.

The reasons for a child’s persistent disobedience should be sought in the depths of his psyche. On the surface it seems that he “simply doesn’t listen”, “simply doesn’t want to understand”, but in fact the reason is different. And, as a rule, it is emotional, not rational. Moreover, it is not realized either by the adult or by the child himself. Hence the conclusion: you need to know such reasons.

Psychologists have identified 4 main causes of serious behavioral disorders in children

1. The fight for attention. If a child does not receive the right amount of attention that is necessary for normal emotional well-being, then he finds his own way to get it - disobedience.

A strong child's nature knows how to demand what is not given, although most often in a sharp, irritating form.

Parents continually look up from their work and make comments... We can’t say that this is very pleasant, but attention is still received. Better this than nothing.

2. The struggle for self-affirmation against excessive parental authority and guardianship. The famous “I do it myself” demand of a 2-year-old child persists throughout childhood, becoming especially acute in adolescents. Children are very sensitive to the infringement of this desire.

But it is especially difficult when parents communicate with them in the form of instructions, comments and concerns. Parents believe that this is how they instill in their children the right habits, teach them order, prevent mistakes, and generally educate them.

This is necessary, but the whole question is how to do it. If comments and advice are too frequent, orders and criticism are too harsh, and fears are too exaggerated, then the child begins to rebel. The teacher is faced with stubbornness, self-will, and contrary actions. The meaning of this behavior is to defend the right to show that he is an individual.

3. Desire for revenge. Children are offended by their parents. The reasons can be very different: parents are more attentive to the youngest; the mother separated from the father, and a stepfather appeared in the house; the child was separated from the family (admitted to the hospital, sent to his grandmother); parents fight all the time...

There are many and individual reasons for offense: a harsh remark, an unfulfilled promise, an unfair punishment...

And again, deep down in the soul, the child worries and suffers, but on the surface there are the same protests, disobedience, and poor performance at school.

The meaning of “bad” behavior in this case can be expressed as follows: “You did me bad - let it be bad for you too!..”

4. Loss of faith in your own success. A child experiences trouble in one area of ​​life, and failures arise in a completely different one.

For example: a child does not have good relationships in the class, and the consequence will be neglected studies; in another case, failure at school can lead to defiant behavior at home.

This “displacement of disadvantage” occurs due to the child’s low self-esteem. Having accumulated experience of failures and criticism addressed to him, he generally loses self-confidence. He comes to the conclusion: “There is no point in trying, nothing will work out anyway.”

This is in the soul, and by external behavior he shows: “I don’t care,” “Even if I’m bad,” “And I’ll be bad!”

The aspirations of difficult children are quite positive and natural, and express the need for the warmth and attention of their parents, recognition of the individual, a sense of justice, and a desire for success.

The trouble with “difficult” children is that, firstly, they suffer acutely from the non-fulfillment of these needs and, secondly, from attempts to fill this lack in ways that do not make up for anything.

They don’t know how to do it differently, and therefore any serious violation of a teenager’s behavior is a signal for help. By his behavior he tells us: “I feel bad! Help me!"

Parents' experiences are a mirror of the child's hidden emotional problem

A parent can help a child, but first you need to understand the underlying reason for disobedience.

The parent needs to pay attention to his own feelings. What emotional reaction do you have when you disobey again? An amazing fact - the parents' experiences are a mirror of the child's hidden emotional problem.

If a child fights for attention, the parent becomes irritated.
If there is opposition to the will of the parents, then the latter becomes angry.
If the hidden reason is revenge, then the parent’s response is resentment.
When a child deeply experiences his own troubles, the parent finds himself in the grip of a feeling of hopelessness, and sometimes despair.

Feelings are different and you can understand which one suits your case.

It turns out to be a vicious circle. The more the adult is dissatisfied, the more the child is convinced that his efforts have achieved their goal, and he resumes them with new energy.

The parent's job is to try not reacting in the usual way, that is, in the way the child expects from you and thereby break the vicious circle.
Emotions are activated almost automatically, especially in conflicts with “experience.” And yet it is possible to change the nature of communication! You can stop, if not the emotion, then a remark and punitive actions.

If it goes fight for attention, you need to find a way to show your child your positive attention to him: come up with some joint activities, games or walks.

As for habitual disobedience, it is better to ignore them. After some time, the child will discover that they do not work, and thanks to your positive attention, the need for them will no longer exist.

If the source of conflict is struggle for self-affirmation, then you should change your control over the child’s affairs: it is important for them to accumulate experience of their own decisions and even failures.

During the transitional period of establishing your relationship, refrain from making demands that, in your experience, he most likely will not fulfill. On the contrary, what can be called the “adjustment method” helps a lot: you do not challenge the decision he has come to, but agree with him on the details and conditions for its implementation.

Understanding that a child’s stubbornness and self-will is just a form of plea that irritates you: “Let me finally live by my own mind” will help you get rid of unnecessary pressure and dictate.

If you feel offended, then you need to ask yourself: what made the child cause it to you? What kind of pain does he have? How have you offended or are you constantly offending him? Having understood the reason, we must, of course, try to eliminate it.

The most difficult situation is that of a desperate parent and lost faith in one's abilities teenager

The smart behavior of the parent in this case is stop demanding “expected” behavior.
It’s worth “resetting to zero” your expectations and complaints. Surely your child can do something and is even very capable of something. But for now you have it as it is. Find the task level available to him. This is your starting point from which you can begin to move forward. Organize joint activities with him; he cannot get out of the dead end on his own.

At the same time, no criticism should be allowed towards him.

Look for a way to reward him, even the smallest success. It is worth trying to make teachers your allies. You will see: the very first successes will inspire your child. It is useless to expect that your efforts to establish peace and discipline in the family will lead to success on the very first day. The main efforts should be directed towards switching your negative emotions

(irritation, anger, resentment, despair) to constructive action.

In some sense, you will have to change yourself. But this is the only way to raise your “difficult” child.

And the last thing that is important to know: in your first attempts to improve the relationship, the child may increase his bad behavior! He will not immediately believe in the sincerity of your intentions and will test them.

Lesson X “Jug” of our emotions

Destructive feelings of the first layer.

Let's start with the most unpleasant emotions - anger, malice, aggression. These feelings are destructive because... violate both the person himself (his psyche, health) and his relationships with other people and are the cause of conflicts. These emotions are manifested in external behavior

person. This is, unfortunately, the familiar name-calling and insults, quarrels and fights, punishments, actions “out of spite,” etc.

Psychologists believe that anger is a secondary feeling. We can place the experiences of pain, resentment, fear, frustration under the feelings of anger and aggression as the causes of these destructive emotions (layer II of the “jug”).

Suffering feelings of the second layer.

All feelings of the second layer are passive, they contain suffering. They are not easy to express; they are usually kept silent and hidden.

Why? For fear of humiliation, of appearing weak. Sometimes a person himself is not aware of them (“I’m just angry, but I don’t know why!”)

Hiding feelings of resentment and pain is often taught from childhood: “Don’t cry, better learn to fight back!”

The cause of “suffering” feelings is unmet needs.

Needs that are associated with communication, and in a broad sense - with a person’s life among people: a person needs to be loved, understood, recognized, respected, to be needed and close to someone, to have success in business and study , at work, so that he can realize himself, develop his abilities, improve himself, and respect himself.

These needs are always at risk! Any need can be unsatisfied, and this leads to suffering, and possibly to “destructive” emotions.

Happiness depends on psychological climate the environment in which a person grows, lives, and works. And also from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. And the climate and luggage depend on the style of communication, and above all, the parents and the child.

Fourth Layer: Self-Esteem

The attitude towards oneself lies below the layer of needs

Psychologists have devoted much research to such self-experiences. They call them differently: self-perception, self-image, self-evaluation, self-esteem, sense of self-worth.

Self-esteem greatly influences a person’s life and even destiny. Thus, children with low self-esteem, but quite capable, study worse, get along poorly with peers and teachers, and are less successful later in adulthood.

Another important fact: the foundation of self-esteem is laid very early, in the very first years of a child’s life, and depends on how the parents treat him. If they understand and accept him, are tolerant of his “shortcomings” and mistakes, he grows up with a positive attitude towards himself. If a child is constantly “educated”, criticized and drilled, his self-esteem turns out to be low and flawed.

In childhood, we learn about ourselves only from the words and attitudes of loved ones towards us. A small child has no inner vision.

His self-image is built from the outside; he begins to see himself as others see him.

However, the child does not remain passive in this process. Another law of all living things applies here: actively seek what survival depends on. A positive attitude towards oneself is the basis of psychological survival, and the child constantly seeks and even fights for it.

He is waiting for confirmation from us that he is good, he is loved, he can cope with feasible tasks. Whatever a child does, he needs our recognition of his success.

With every address to a child - in word, deed, intonation, gesture, frowned brows and even silence, we inform him not only about ourselves, our condition, but always about him, and often mainly about him.

From repeated signs of greeting, approval, love and acceptance, the child develops the feeling: “everything is fine with me”, “I am good”, and from signals of condemnation, displeasure, criticism - the feeling “there is something wrong with me”, “ I am bad".

When protecting and raising a child, we must be aware of what message we are now sending about him.

A child most often perceives punishment as a message: “You are bad!”, criticism of mistakes - “You can’t!”, ignoring - “I don’t care about you,” and even “You are unloved.”

Sometimes a child's desire to be “good” forces children to look for ways to “correct” themselves through self-punishment. Punishment, and even more so self-punishment of a child, only aggravates his feeling of trouble and unhappiness. As a result, he eventually comes to the conclusion: “Bad, so be it! And I’ll be bad!” This is a challenge that hides the bitterness of despair.

Troubled child

continue to be punished, criticized, and then completely rejected at home and at school.

Problems of different levels of the “jug” of emotions Level 1: destructive emotions.

The child is angry with his mother: “You are bad, I don’t love you!” We already know that behind his anger lies pain, resentment, etc. (I and II layers of our scheme). In this case it is best

actively listen, guess and name his “passive” feeling

What you shouldn't do is condemn and punish him in return. This can only worsen his negative experience (and yours too).

It is better to leave your educational words until the time when the situation is calm and your tone is friendly. Level 2: Suffering Emotions If a child openly suffers from pain, resentment, fear, then

active listening

- irreplaceable.

This method is directly intended for experiences from layer II of our diagram.

What is he missing? If the child’s dissatisfaction or suffering is repeated for the same reason, if he constantly whines, asks to play, read; or, on the contrary, he constantly disobeys, fights, is rude... it is very likely that the reason is some kind of dissatisfaction; his needs (III layer of the diagram). He may lack your attention or, conversely, a sense of freedom and independence; he may suffer from neglected studies or failure at school.

In this case, active listening alone is not enough. True, you can start with it, but then try to understand what your child is missing. You will really help him if you spend more time with him, pay attention to his activities more often, or, conversely, stop controlling him at every step.

One of the very effective ways- creating conditions that do not contradict, but meet the needs of the child. He wants to move a lot - organize open space well; wants to explore puddles - you can wear high boots; wants to paint big pictures - an extra piece of cheap wallpaper won't hurt. Let me remind you that rowing with the current is incomparably easier than rowing against it.

Understanding the child's needs, accepting them and responding to them with your actions means actively listening to the child in the broadest sense. This ability develops in parents as they increasingly practice active listening techniques.

Level 4: Self-esteem, sense of self-worth

“You are dear to me, and everything will be fine with you!”

The further down we move through the layers of our scheme, the more significant the influence of the style of communication with him on the child. He learns about what kind of person he is - good, dear, capable, or bad, useless, a loser - only from adults and, above all, from his parents.

If the deepest layer - the emotional sense of self - is made up of negative experiences, many areas of the child's life are upset. He becomes “difficult” both for himself and for those around him. Great efforts are needed to help him in such cases.

How to maintain a child's self-esteem?

In order to prevent a child from becoming deeply discordant with himself and the world around him, it is necessary to constantly maintain his self-esteem or sense of self-worth.

1. Unconditionally accept the child.

Accept everyone as they are: My children are ordinary children. They behave like all children in the world. There is a lot of irritation in children's antics and that's how it is.

Only a non-judgmental judgment. You can express your dissatisfaction with individual actions of the child, but not with the child as a whole.

You can condemn the child’s actions, but not his feelings, as unwanted or “inadmissible.”

2. Actively listen to his experiences and needs.

4. Do not interfere with activities that he is doing well.

5. Help when asked.

6. Maintain success.

7. Sharing your feelings (means trusting).

8. Resolve conflicts constructively.

No negative commands. The subconscious mind does not hold back the denial “no”.

Choice without choice! (Are you going to bed now or are you going to pack your books first?)

Skip the first “NO”, “NOT”.

9. Show love: hug at least 4, and preferably 8 times a day.

Use friendly phrases in everyday communication.

For example: I feel good with you. I'm glad to see you. It's good that you came. I like the way you... I miss you. Let's (sit, do...) together. Of course you can handle it. It's so good that we have you. You are my good one.

Eye contact, open, friendly under normal conditions.

Close attention, full concentration on the child, so that the child feels the most important.

Every parent dreams of discovering the secret of ensuring that every word is accepted with confidence by the child, and every instruction is carried out without complaint.

But it is so hard. And, as in communication between adults, communication is a two-way process, and listening is no less important than speaking.

The materials in this section will help you learn to talk to your child and listen to him.

“I tell him, I tell him...”

How to talk to children about problems: five skills

How to listen to a child

How to speak so that children will listen to you

Put an end to shortcuts!

Jen Parker, Jen Simpson

Labels tend to stick for a long time. If children begin to notice that they are, say, “bad,” “stupid,” “lazy,” or “not smart,” they may feel unloved or even unworthy of love. If this is also repeated over and over again over time and in different situations, then the label can become part of how the child perceives himself, which means it will affect his self-realization. He may believe that he is truly “stupid”, “careless” or “out of his mind”, which will cause corresponding changes in behavior.

Current page: 1 (book has 11 pages total) [available reading passage: 8 pages]

Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
How to talk to children so they learn

and Elaine Mazlish

with Lisa Nyberg

and Rosalyn Anstine Templeton

Illustrations by Kimberly Ann Soe

HOW TO TALK SO KIDS CAN LEARN AT HOME AND IN SCHOOL

© 1995 by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish, Lisa Nyberg, and Rosalyn Anstine Templeton

© Novikova T. O., translation, 2010

© Edition in Russian, design. LLC Publishing House E, 2016

* * *

A child understands the attitude of his parents and teachers towards him by the way they talk to him. Adults' words affect a child's self-esteem and feelings self-esteem. The speech of adults largely determines the fate of a child.

Chaim Ginott

From the authors

This book was born thanks to the help of many people who believed in our success. Our family and friends helped us a lot. Parents, teachers, and psychologists from the United States and Canada told us how they use communication skills at home and at work. Many talked to us, others sent letters. Joanna Faber taught in a city school for ten years and provided us with many touching examples from my own school practice. Bradley University and Brattain Primary School provided us with great support and assistance. We are forever grateful to our resident artist, Kimberly Ann Cowie, who again managed to sort through our quick sketches and breathe life and warmth into them. Our literary agent Bob Markel provided the right advice at the right time. We always felt the warm support of our publisher, Elinor Rawson, who always knew in which direction we should move next.

Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Thomas Gordon for the great work he has done in the area of ​​adult-child relationships. Of course, we cannot fail to mention our mentor, Dr. Chaim Ginott. It was he who helped us understand why “every teacher must first teach humanity, and only then his subject.”

How did this book come about?

The idea for this book came about when we, two young mothers, came to parent group famous child psychologist Dr. Chaim Ginott. After each lesson, we returned home together, and all the way there we were amazed at the effectiveness of the new communication skills we had just learned. We so regretted not owning them many years ago, when we worked professionally with children, one of us teaching in high schools in New York City, and the other teaching next door in Manhattan.

Then we could not even imagine what these studies would lead to. Twenty years later, the books we wrote for parents have sold more than 2 million copies around the world and have been translated into more than ten languages. The lectures we have given in almost every state of the United States and in every province of Canada attract many interested listeners. More than 50 thousand groups use our audio and video materials in countries such as Nicaragua, Kenya, Malaysia and New Zealand. For twenty years, we have constantly heard stories from teachers about how attending our lectures, taking our courses, or reading our books has benefited their work. These people literally demanded that we write a book especially for them.

An educator from Troy, Michigan wrote:

I have worked with unruly, at-risk students for over twenty years. I was amazed at how much I was able to learn from your books for parents... Today, in the district where I consult teachers, a new school discipline plan is being developed. I truly believe that the philosophy of your book will serve as the cornerstone of the new plan. Are you planning to write a book specifically for teachers?

School Social worker from Florissant, Missouri wrote:

I recently introduced the program of your group seminar “How to speak so that children will listen” to parents in our area. One of the mothers, an educator herself, began using new skills in school and noticed that there were significantly fewer behavior problems in her class. This was also noticed by the school director, who was concerned about the increase in the number of punishments and expulsions from her educational institution. She was so impressed by the changes in our class that she asked me to conduct a workshop for all teachers.

The results were amazing. The number of “requests” for punishments and temporary suspensions from classes has sharply decreased. Children began to skip classes less often, and their self-esteem increased significantly.

A psychologist from New York wrote to us:

I was seriously concerned that more and more children were coming to school with knives and guns. I constantly think that increasing the number of security guards and installing metal detectors will not help us. It is important to establish effective communication with children. Perhaps if teachers had the skills you describe, it would be easier for them to help children deal with their difficult problems in a non-violent way. Would you like to write a book for teachers, school principals, PTAs, teaching assistants, school bus drivers, secretaries, etc., etc.?

We took these suggestions very seriously, but decided that we could not take on the responsibility of writing a book specifically for teachers. After all, we haven't been teaching for a long time.

And then we got a call from Rosalyn Templeton and Lisa Nyberg. Lisa turned out to be a third and fourth grade teacher primary school Brattain in Springfield, Oregon. Rosalyn trained future teachers at Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois. Both were dissatisfied with the widespread use of coercion and punishment for disciplinary purposes in secondary schools. Lisa and Rosalyn told us that they have been collecting materials for a long time to offer teachers alternative methods to make students more focused and disciplined. After reading our book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, they realized it was exactly what they needed and asked our permission to adapt the book for teachers.

During the conversation, it became clear that the experience of these teachers is very broad. Both women taught in urban, suburban and rural schools in different regions of the country, both had advanced degrees in education and taught various workshops for teachers. Suddenly, the project, the implementation of which we had put off for so long, seemed quite feasible. If, in addition to our own teaching experience and the materials with which teachers have provided us for twenty years, we can draw on the vast experience of these two teachers, then we may have a very useful book.

That summer, Rosalyn and Lisa came to visit us. We found a common language from the very beginning. After discussing the rough outline of the book, we decided to present the material from the point of view of a young teacher who is trying to find a way to reach her students. In this image we wanted to combine our own experience. We also decided to use the same elements as in our previous books - comics, questions and answers and illustrated stories.

But the longer we talked, the clearer it became that if we were going to cover the whole problem children's education, then we will have to go beyond the school classroom and pay no less attention to the first teacher who is constantly present in the child’s life, that is, the parent. Whatever happens at school from 9:00 to 15:00 is largely determined by what happens to the child before and after that time. No matter how good the intentions of the parent and teacher, if they both do not have the means to implement them, the child will grow up to be a failure.

Parents and teachers need to join forces and form a workable partnership. They need to understand the difference between words that demoralize or build confidence; lead to confrontation or promote interaction; deprive the child of the ability to think and concentrate or awaken in him a natural desire to learn.

It became clear to us that we have a huge responsibility towards modern children. Never before have so many children been exposed to so many images of senseless cruelty. Never before have children witnessed that many problems can be solved through force, knives, shooting or bombs. Never before have we felt such an urgent need to show our children a realistic model of problem solving through honest and respectful communication. This is the only way we can protect the younger generation from violent impulses. When the inevitable moments of depression and rage arise, children may reach for a weapon, or they may choose the words they heard from people who play an important role in their lives.

It was with these convictions that we began our work. Three years have passed. We wrote and rewrote our book and when the manuscript was finished, we felt deep satisfaction. We have developed a clear and understandable set of tips on the topic “How to talk to children so that they want to learn both at home and at school.” We brought specific examples relationships and words that will find a way to any heart in the learning process. We showed how to create an emotional environment in which children will not be afraid to perceive everything new and unfamiliar. We have demonstrated how children can be encouraged to take responsibility and develop self-discipline, and have developed many methods to help children understand who they are and who they can become.

We sincerely hope that our ideas will help inspire and guide you. Right way growing generation.

“I” in our book – who is it?

We decided to write this book from the perspective of a fictional character - Liz Lander. She will speak on our behalf. Liz is a young teacher, just like we once were. She tries her best to reach her students and make them want to learn. We have all walked this path at one time or another. Liz will be our collective “I”.

Chapter 1
How to deal with feelings that affect your desire to learn

My decision to become a teacher was prompted by memories of my own teachers—both those I loved and those I hated.

I had a huge mental list of all the things I should never say to my students and what I should never do in class. I knew for sure that I had to be an infinitely patient and understanding teacher. During college, I came to the conclusion that I had to teach children in a way that made them want to learn.

But the very first day in the “real” class was a real shock for me. I planned everything, but I was completely unprepared to communicate with 32 schoolchildren. 32 students were sitting in front of me: they were full of energy, they had their own desires and needs and were constantly shouting. Half of the first lesson was spent arguing: “Who stole my pencil?”, “Leave me alone!”, “Shut up, I want to listen to the teacher!”

I pretended not to hear anything and continued the lesson, but the conflicts did not stop: “Why should I sit next to him?”, “I don’t understand what to do...”, “He hit me!”, “She started it first.” !

I felt uneasy; the noise in the class was growing. The words “patience and understanding” somehow disappeared from my mind. This class needed a teacher with an iron will and self-control. And then I heard my own words:

- Calm down! Nobody stole your pencil!

“You have to sit next to him because I said so!”

– I don’t care who started it first! Stop it immediately! Now!

- Why don’t you understand? I just explained everything!

– I can’t believe my own eyes! You are acting like first graders! Calm down immediately!

One boy didn't pay any attention to me. He jumped up from his desk, walked over to the pencil sharpener and began sharpening his pencil. In my most stern voice I ordered:

- Enough! Sit down immediately!

“You can’t force me,” he replied.

- We'll talk about this after class!

- I can't linger. I need to catch the bus...

“Then I’ll have to call your parents to school.”

- You won't be able to reach us. We don't have a phone. By three o'clock in the afternoon I was completely exhausted. The children ran out of the classroom and scattered into the streets. God bless! Now parents are responsible for them. I served my time.

I leaned back in my chair and stared at the empty desks. What did I do wrong? Why didn't they listen to me? What needs to be done to reach these children?

In the first months of my work at school, the situation did not change. Every morning I walked into class with high hopes, and by lunchtime I felt completely exhausted. To complete the required program, I had to put in all my efforts. But what tormented me most was that I was gradually turning into a teacher of the type that was most unpleasant to me. I became angry and irritated, commanded and humiliated my students, and they became more and more stubborn and stupid. Time passed, and I could only wonder how much longer I could stand it.

Jane Davis came to my aid classroom teacher next class. After I poured my heart out to her, she brought me her own copy of How to Talk So Children Will Listen, and How to Listen So That Children Will Talk.

“I don’t know if it will help you,” said Jane, “but this book literally saved me!” Without her, my own children would have driven me crazy long ago. And it became easier for me to cope in class!

I thanked Jane, took the book, put it in my briefcase and forgot about it. A week later I was in bed with a cold. There was nothing to do, so I opened the book that Jane gave me. The words in italics immediately caught my eye:

There is a direct connection between children's feelings and behavior.

When children have the right feelings, they behave correctly.

How can we help them feel the right feelings? You just need to understand and accept how they feel!

I leaned back on the pillow and closed my eyes. Can I accept my students' feelings? I began to replay in my head the conversations I had with my children this week.

Student: I can not write.

I: It is not true.

Student: But I can't think of anything to write about.

I: No, you can! Stop complaining and start writing.

Student: I hate history. Why should I care what happened a hundred years ago?

I: You care... It is very important to know the history of your country.

Student: It's boring.

I: No, it's not boring! If you are serious, you will be interested.

Marvelous! I always told my children about the right of every individual to their own opinion and their own feelings. But in practice, it turned out that as soon as the children began to express their feelings, I immediately suppressed them. I started arguing with them. The meaning of my words was in one simple phrase: “Your feelings are wrong, so you should listen to me.”

I sat up in bed and tried to remember. Isn’t that how my teachers talked to me? I was reminded of one time in my senior year when I got a bad grade and the teacher tried to calm me down.

“You don't have to worry, Liz,” he said. “It’s not that you don’t have a knack for geometry.” You just weren't concentrating. You had to focus entirely on the task. Your main problem is that you have the wrong attitude towards studying.

He was probably right. He had the best intentions, but after this conversation I felt stupid and clueless. At some point, I even stopped listening to the teacher and just watched how his mustache moved, waiting for him to finally finish and for me to go home. Are my students experiencing the same feelings now?

Over the course of several weeks, I tried to be more sensitive to my students’ feelings and respond appropriately to them:

– Choosing a topic for an essay is really not easy.

– I know about your attitude to history. You don't understand why people care about something that happened so long ago.

It worked. I immediately noticed that the children began to behave differently. They nodded, looked me straight in the eyes, and talked to me more. But one day Alex said:

– I don’t want to go to physical education class, and no one will force me!

That was enough. I didn’t hesitate for a minute. I stated in an icy tone:

– You will go to class or go to the principal’s office!

Why is it so difficult to recognize a child’s right to his own feelings? Over lunch, I asked the same question out loud. Jane and the other teachers were sitting at my table. I shared with them my thoughts about what I read in the book.

Maria Esther, a member of the parent committee, spoke out in defense of the teachers.

“You teach so many children,” she said, “and you have a lot to teach them.” How can you pay attention to every word you say?

Jane thought about it.

“If adults,” she said, “thought more about their words, then we wouldn’t have to “unlearn” a lot now. This needs to be acknowledged. We are all a product of our own past. We talk to our students the same way parents and teachers talked to us. I know this by personal experience. Even at home, with my own children, it is very difficult for me to abandon the old script. To move from “It doesn’t hurt. It’s just a small scratch” to “Yes, scratches can hurt!”, I had to work hard on myself.

Physics teacher, Ken Watson, was very surprised:

- Did I miss something? - he said. - I don’t understand what the difference is...

I was thinking, trying to find an example that would help Ken understand the difference, and then I heard Jane say.

“Imagine that you are a teenager, Ken,” she said. - And you just got accepted into the school team - basketball, hockey... whatever...

“To the football room,” Ken smiled.

“Okay, to the football room,” Jane nodded. – Now imagine that you come to your first training session, joyful and excited. And the coach called you aside and said that you had already been expelled.

Ken groaned.

“And then,” Jane continued, “you saw your class teacher in the hall and decided to tell her about what happened.” Imagine that I am a teacher. I may react to your words in different ways. Put yourself in the child’s place and imagine what he will feel and think after my words.

Ken grinned, took out a pen and reached for a napkin.

Here are some situations suggested by Jane.

Denial of feelings

- You're getting upset out of nowhere. The world will not turn upside down because you were not accepted into the team. Forget it.

Philosophical reaction

– Life is not always fair, but you need to learn to take the blow.

Advice

– Don’t dwell on this failure. Try joining another team.

Questions

– Why do you think you weren’t accepted? Were other players better than you? What are you going to do next?

Protecting the other side

– Try to put yourself in the coach’s shoes. He wants to create a winning team. He has a hard time deciding who should stay and who should go.

A pity

- Oh, poor thing! I feel so sorry for you. You tried so hard to get on the team, but you didn't succeed. Now everyone will know about it. You're probably dying of embarrassment...

Amateur psychoanalysis

– Have you ever thought that you were actually excluded from the team because you weren’t in the mood for this game? I think that subconsciously you yourself wanted to leave the team, so everything happened correctly.

Ken raised his hands pleadingly.

- Stop! - he begged. - Enough! I got it.

I asked Ken if I could look at his notes. He moved the napkin towards me, and I read aloud:

“Don’t tell me how I should feel.”

- Don't tell me what I should do.

-You will never understand me.

– Shove your questions... you know where!

– You are ready to take anyone’s side, but not mine!

- I am a loser.

– I will never tell you anything again!

“Wow,” Maria was surprised, “I tell my son Marco almost the same thing that Jane told Ken.” What should be done in such a situation?

“We need to recognize the child’s right to be upset,” I quickly answered.

- And how to do this? – asked Maria.

I didn't know what to say, so I looked at Jane for support. She turned to Ken and looked him straight in the eyes.

“Ken,” she said, “it must be very difficult to be excluded from the team when you were absolutely sure that you were accepted.” You must be very upset!

“Yes,” Ken nodded. “It was a hard blow.” I am very disappointed. Honestly, it made me feel better that someone finally understood this simple thing!

After that, we all wanted to tell each other a lot. Maria admitted that when she was a child, no one understood her feelings.

– How can we give our students what we have never received ourselves? – asked Ken.

In order for a new reaction to children’s feelings to become habitual for us, we will have to practice a lot. I volunteered to offer a few more examples of how to respect students' feelings. Here's a short comic showing my examples. I showed it to my friends a few days later.

Instead of denying feelings...

When a student's feelings are denied, he quickly loses interest in learning.

Put your feelings into words

When negative feelings are validated and understood, the student willingly continues studying.

The teacher had the best intentions, but when the student is constantly criticized and given advice, it is difficult for him to reflect on his problem and accept responsibility.

Validate your child's feelings with words or interjections (“Yes?”, “Mmmm,” “I understand”)

A sympathetic and understanding reaction to the student’s distress, nods and confirmations help the child focus on his problem and even find a solution himself.

Instead of reasons and explanations...

When a student refuses to listen to common sense, it is very annoying. What to do in such a situation? Is there a way to help a girl overcome her reluctance to study?

Give free rein to your imagination, although you cannot do it in reality

When we translate a student’s desires into fantasy, it is easier for him to cope with reality.

Instead of ignoring feelings...

It is difficult for children to change behavior if adults completely ignore their feelings.

Recognize your child's right to feel, even if their behavior is unacceptable.

Children find it easier to change behavior when their feelings are understood.

Ken looked at my drawings and shook his head.

– In theory, everything sounds great, but it seems to me that this is an extra burden on teachers. How do we find the time to help children deal with their feelings?

Jane perked up.

“It’s not hard to find time,” she said. – Come to school early, leave later, spend less time on lunch and forget about the toilet.

“Of course,” Ken nodded, “and in between planning lessons, checking notebooks, preparing schedules and speaking at conferences (and between teaching as such), think about how your students might feel and how in your fantasies you can give them that which they cannot get in reality.

Listening to Ken, I thought: “Maybe I want too much from teachers...”

Jane seemed to read my thoughts:

– I know that the workload of teachers is very high. But it is very important for children to feel that they are understood. You know that when children are upset they... can not concentrate. They cannot absorb new material. If we want to free their minds so they can think and learn, then we need to respect their emotions.

“And not only at school, but also at home,” Maria added understandingly.

We turned to her.

“When I was nine years old,” she said, “our family moved to another city, and I had to go to a new school. I had a very strict teacher. When I did an arithmetic task, she would return my notebook, with all the wrong answers crossed out with large black crosses. She made me do the exercise over and over again until I got it right. I was so nervous in her classes that I couldn't think. Sometimes I even tried to copy answers from other children. On the eve of an exam, my stomach always hurt. I said: “Mom, I’m afraid.” And she answered: “There is nothing to be afraid of. Just try to do the best you can." My father also said: “If you have learned everything, you have nothing to be afraid of.” But these words made me feel even worse.

Ken looked at Maria with interest.

“What if your parents said, “This exam seems to be really bothering you, Maria”? Would you feel differently?

- Well, of course! – Maria exclaimed. “Because then I could tell them about the black crosses, about the shame I felt when I had to redo everything again and again in front of the whole class.

Ken was still skeptical.

“But could you get rid of your anxiety and do a better job in math?”

Maria thought about it.

“I think so,” she answered slowly, “if my parents had listened to me and allowed me to talk about my fears, then I would have gained courage and I would have wanted to study better.”

A few days after this conversation, we had lunch with Maria again. She smiled and pulled out small folded pieces of paper from her purse.

“Listen to what my children told me this week,” she said. – Imagine what I didn’t tell my children after our conversation. The first note is from my daughter Ana Ruth.

Maria unfolded the piece of paper and read: “Mom, the physical education teacher made me run an extra lap because I was changing clothes too slowly, and everyone was looking at me.”

Ken was the first to respond:

– You didn’t say: “What should the teacher have done? Should I praise you? Shall I give you a medal for being such a bigot?”

Everyone laughed, and Maria continued:

“And here’s what my son Marco told me: “Mom, please don’t be angry, I lost my new gloves.”

“Now it’s my turn,” Jane volunteered. - "What?! This month you are already losing your second pair. Do you think I'm printing money? In the future, when you take off your gloves, put them in your pocket. And when getting off the bus, check the seat and floor so that they don’t accidentally fall out!”

- And what's wrong with that? – Ken was surprised. – You teach the child to be responsible.

– The time is incorrect.

- Why?

– When a person is drowning, it is not time to give him swimming lessons.

“Hmm,” Ken grumbled. “I need to think about this... Okay, now it’s your turn, Liz.”

Maria looked at the next piece of paper and said:

– This is also from Ana Ruth: “I don’t know if I want to continue playing in the orchestra.”

I almost jumped on the spot:

– You didn’t say: “We spent so much money on violin lessons, and now you say that you want to quit everything!” Your father will be very upset when he finds out about this!”

Maria looked at us in amazement:

- How did you all know what I almost said?

“It’s very easy,” Jane smiled. “That’s what our parents told us.” I find myself saying the same thing to my kids all the time.

“Mary,” said Ken, “don’t torment us.” What did you really tell the children?

“When Marco couldn’t find new gloves,” Maria answered, “I didn’t scold him.” I simply said, “Losing things is very unpleasant... Do you think you could have left your gloves on the bus?” He looked at me as if he couldn’t believe his own ears and said that he would ask the driver the next day.

Maria continued:

“And when Ana Ruth said that the physical education teacher made her run in front of the whole class, I replied: “You must have felt very awkward.” She replied: “Yes, yes!” – and then changed the subject, which is very typical for her, because she never tells me anything.

But the most amazing thing happened then,” Maria said. – After the music lesson, my daughter said that she didn’t know if she wanted to continue playing in the orchestra. She simply killed me with these words, but I restrained myself: “So you both want to play in the orchestra and you don’t want to?” Ana Ruth thought about it. And then she spoke, and everything became clear to me. She said that she liked playing the violin, but rehearsing took too much time. She hardly communicates with friends, no one calls her. She probably has no friends left at all. And then she cried, and I began to console her.

“Oh, Maria,” I said. Her words touched me deeply.

- It's funny, isn't it? – asked Jane. “Ana Ruth couldn’t tell you what was really bothering her until you acknowledged her right to her own feelings.”

“Yes, yes,” Maria nodded energetically. – And as soon as the real problem was revealed, Ana herself figured out how to help herself. The next day she said that she decided to stay in the orchestra and look for new friends there.

- This is wonderful! – I was happy.

“Yes,” Maria answered, frowning slightly. “But I only told you about my good deeds.” I didn't say what happened when Marco told me he hated Mr. Petersen.

“Oh-oh-oh... It’s hard,” I sighed. - You are all last year helped Mr. Petersen?

It seemed that Mary was in great pain.

“He’s a very good teacher,” she whispered. - Very serious.

“That’s exactly what I wanted to say,” I explained. – You worked together. On the one hand, you wanted to support your son. On the other hand, you highly value Mr. Petersen, and you did not want to criticize him.

“Not only Mr. Petersen,” Maria nodded. – I’m probably a little old-fashioned, but I think that a child shouldn’t speak badly about teachers.

“But, having supported your son,” Jane intervened, “you weren’t obliged to condemn Mr. Petersen...”

Jane quickly sketched out her version of a typical parent's response to a situation where a child complains about a teacher. And then we all tried to come up with a useful dialogue together.

Our problem was to disagree with the child and not to humiliate the teacher. Here's what we came up with:

Accept and understand your child's feelings and desires

The bell rang. Ken took his tray and said:

– I’m not yet sure that all this is correct. Maybe this is suitable for parents, but it seems to me that it is enough for a teacher to be worthy person, love children, know your subject and be able to teach it.

“Unfortunately,” Jane objected, walking out with him, “this is not so.” If you want to teach well, you need students who are emotionally willing to listen and learn.

I hurried after them, feeling that I needed to say something, but not knowing what exactly. On the way home that day, I thought back to our conversations that week and felt a new conviction brewing within me.

I wish I could tell Ken then:

The teacher's goal is not simply to convey facts and information to students.

» . Because in the first article I did not touch upon a rather important issue: how they affect children.

Who doesn't want their child to grow up happy? So that his life turns out well. And for this, a lot of effort and time is devoted to education and upbringing. And everyday communication is not always given due attention.

Sometimes you just don't hear anything on the playground. But who has never been angry with their child?

Most likely, such a parent will not exist. Unfortunately, it is precisely in moments of irritation and anger that we do not pay attention to the words that we say, to the comparisons and “labels” that we give to our children.

Child's self-esteem

How many times a day is it usually repeated:

- Your room is always a mess.

- You don’t know how to do anything (you don’t understand, you don’t know, you don’t want to...).

- Terrible behavior.

- Ignorant, dirty, incompetent, loser, stupid, greedy, harmful...

- Ugly child.

- You have no brains.

- Hands grow from the wrong place. And so on.

And these are not the roughest definitions.

All this is deposited in the subconscious and affects the child’s future self-esteem.

And it is important that these comments are usually made emotionally. And most often it is VERY EMOTIONAL!

But it is known that any words work better when supported by emotions. Moreover, in this case it does not matter: positive or negative. Such words are instantly recorded in the subconscious.

And the child already feels inside himself: harmful, greedy, unlucky, dirty, stupid, incapable of anything...

A word spoken once may not in the best possible way influence the rest of your life.

Useless requests

Then, we often use requests (and sometimes orders) using the particle “not”.

But the subconscious does not perceive this prefix, and the result is a direct order to continue doing what we want to wean from.

- Do not Cry.

- Do not run.

- Do not scream.

- Do not play.

- Do not lie.

- Do not go.

- Don't stand there like...

- Don't take it away

- Don’t be mischievous, etc.

It is generally useless to tell young children what they should not do. They simply cannot understand how they can “not do it.” That's why

You need to talk to your child correctly

Firstly , need to learn to speak, baby, not what not to do.

For example: instead of “don’t jump” - “walk calmly with me.”

Instead of “don’t shout” - “play quietly.”

Secondly , remember that every definition by which you call your baby will affect his formation self-esteem. Therefore, talk about him as you would like to see him in the future.

Third , When you tell others about your children, you should not characterize them in the wrong way. the best side. This should absolutely not be done in the presence of a child.

But behind your back, you create a negative mental image. In this case, it is better to refrain from discussing or talk about problems with the aim of solving them, and not just for the sake of interest.

Your opinion of your child is justified. If you think and tell everyone that your child is constantly sick, it will be difficult for him to communicate with peers, it will be difficult for him to study, etc., then so it will be.

Other useful tips from a specialist abouthow to talk to a child correctly , you can find in Julia Gippenreiter’s book “Communicate with a child. How?" , which you can download for free on the page .

And that is not all.

The most interesting,

that ALL of the above is true in relation to the wife or husband.

If we constantly characterize the second phalf, then that’s exactly what he/she will be for you.

Therefore, before you swear, think, maybe even in anger you should use words that will bring , and not harm?

And next time we’ll talk about the importance of regular rest.

The older a child gets, the more often he takes parental advice with hostility or acts contrary to it out of sheer stubbornness. How to talk to children so that they hear you?

One day something similar happens to every parent: you see how your child behaves in a given situation, and you realize that you cannot help but intervene. Your 8-year-old daughter is chasing her friend, and she looks arrogantly to the side and doesn’t seem to pay the slightest attention to her. Or your 13-year-old son, who has always been a quiet home boy, suddenly tries to gain the respect of his classmates with the help of cigarettes, swearing and endless conflicts with teachers. In such cases, is it worth advising children or giving them the right to make mistakes for themselves and learn from their own mistakes? And, if you decide to talk, how to choose Right words so that the child doesn’t get offended, shut down and blame you for being behind the times and not understanding anything?

74% of parents admit that children simply refuse to listen to the advice of adults

Independence is always a stumbling block in the relationship between parents and an adult child. And, if in response to an attempt to have a heart-to-heart talk, you receive irritated sighs, screams and even slamming doors, know: you are not alone.

But, even if children try their best to be independent and live by their own minds, it is in adolescence they need the support of their parents most of all. Every day they learn something new about the structure of this world. They have to make difficult decisions that relate to friendships and relationships with adults. And only parents can give necessary advice. The main thing is to do it so that the child hears you.

Keep your criticisms to yourself

Psychologists often repeat: if you want your interlocutor to hear you, you need to talk calmly and without showing negative emotions. This means that there should be no resentment, no anger, no accusations, no criticism in your words. Believe me, even a 5-year-old child can easily distinguish by intonation whether his mother is angry with him or not. What can we say about teenagers! Another thing is that it is very difficult to talk calmly when you have repeated the same words hundreds of times, and the result is zero.

Anna, mother of 12-year-old Artem, says:

“A year ago we moved, and Tema went to a new school. At the old one, he was an excellent student, the teachers loved him and forgave him many liberties. For example, he wears long hair, dresses in sporty style and generally very independent.

IN new school He quickly found a common language with the guys, but problems immediately began with the class teacher. Because of his long hair and rapper pants, she labeled him a hooligan. The grades after the first quarter were indicative: fours in Russian, algebra and geometry, and three points in his favorite story (which is taught by the class teacher). And this despite the fact that he really tried! But what Teme got away with at the old school became the cause of the problem here - he either forgot his notebook, then said something harsh to the teacher, or “expressed his opinion” instead of answering the assignment. For all this, his grades were lowered. I repeated to my son many times that he needs to be more modest, more polite, and more attentive to teachers. All to no avail.

But during the holidays after the first quarter we went on vacation, and I finally found the right approach. She said something like this: “Try to put yourself in the teacher’s shoes and look at the new student from the outside. This guy has long hair, his trousers are wide and hang so low that his underpants are visible from under them. The teachers still don’t know if he’s a good student, but we already realized that he has his own strong opinion on all issues. How would you react to such a guy if you were an adult?” Artem looked at me angrily, and then replied: “Okay, I’ll think about it.” This was progress, because before he didn’t even want to hear anything! And after our return, miracles began: my son went to the hairdresser and - no, he didn’t cut his hair short, but at least he trimmed his hair. I started washing them every other day. He asked me to buy new trousers for school. And at the beginning of December, the class teacher had a birthday, and her son gave her a gift. Apparently, he began to behave differently at school. At the end of the second quarter, the class teacher called me and said that I have a wonderful boy, that under the influence of the team he has changed before our eyes, she gives him a B in history, but if this continues, it will be an A.

We celebrated this joyful event with the whole family and praised Temka the whole evening. And, what is very important in my opinion, they didn’t remind him: “See, we told you a long time ago!”, but behaved as if it was entirely his merit.”

Independence is always a stumbling block in the relationship between parents and an adult child.

Lesson to learn

In a difficult situation, you will most likely be tempted to put pressure on your child, because adults know better! But this is precisely what cannot be done. It’s best if you manage to sow doubts in a child’s soul: am I doing the right thing? If a child thinks about it, he might accept correct solution. And - what is very important - it will be his own decision, and not imposed by adults. And remember a few simple rules conversation: children have difficulty accepting long and abstract conversations about life. If you want your student to hear you and take your advice into account, speak briefly, clearly, and make it clear that you are not judging him. Artem’s mother chose a very correct position: she knows very well what a talented son she has. But this is not yet known to the teachers at the new school, and therefore they need to make the right impression.

Let your child make a decision

Elena, mother of 10-year-old Dasha, says:

“Our Dasha is a unique child. In the first grade, she said that she wanted to play the violin, and we enrolled in a music school. Dasha has excellent abilities, and her studies immediately went easy, everything worked out playfully and effortlessly. At the end of the third grade, The music school organizes a big audition and, based on its results, they select the children for the orchestra, which goes on concerts to other cities. Dasha really wanted to get into this orchestra, and for almost the entire third grade her teacher convinced her that she needed to study more. But her daughter got used to it. Everything is working out for her anyway, and she didn’t listen. My husband and I decided to take a wait-and-see approach, and it paid off.

Dasha did not pass the audition and came home in tears. She cried all evening, shouting: “I really want to play in the orchestra, why didn’t they take me?!” I asked: “What do you think, why weren’t you hired?” The daughter said with a tragic face: “I probably didn’t play well.” - “What are you going to do now?” - “I will study more, as the teacher said.” Dasha took her violin with her to the dacha and practiced every day, without any reminders. In the fall, I asked to be auditioned again, and my daughter got into the orchestra."

Lesson to learn

Of course, you will want to tell your child in detail what and how to do to solve the problem. But it is much more useful to allow the child, especially if he is already a teenager, to find a way out of an unpleasant situation himself. Don't dictate your terms. If you feel that the situation has gone too far and needs to intervene, do so in the form of a friendly discussion. If you notice that your daughter stays up too late at the computer, you can announce that she should be in bed at 11, and then a conflict is guaranteed. Or you could say something like this: “I noticed that you have difficulty getting up in the morning. Let’s think about how we can change your schedule so that you can get more rest.” After all, if in addition to school the child also attends additional classes, the load may indeed be too high. And it is important to understand what can be done so that the child has time to communicate with friends. Discuss possible options, and even if your daughter suggests something that obviously seems wrong to you (getting up half an hour later and getting ready for school in 10 minutes), let her try it for a week. It is difficult for parents to watch their children make mistakes. But sometimes mistakes are simply necessary to draw the right conclusions. If your daughter tries to do it her way and finds that it doesn't work, next time she will listen more carefully to what you say.

At the right time, in the right place

Inga, mother of 14-year-old Alena, says:

“My daughter has long liked a boy who has been dating either her or her friend for the past year. I saw that Alena was very worried, but she refused to discuss anything. The guy had a birthday, and Alena started choosing a gift for him. And then suddenly I stopped remembering about it.

One weekend, the two of us went to the store, and I said: “So what did you want to give Timur? Maybe we can buy it now?” And then the daughter admitted that he did not invite her to her birthday, but invited their mutual friend. I said, “Do you think if two boys liked you at once, would it be fair to date them one at a time?” She thought and muttered that probably not and that Timur was not doing very well, fooling two girls at the same time. After that, I said that she deserves much more than to sit and wait for him to appear again. Alena also agreed with this, we talked in the cafe for several hours. Of course, she is still worried about Timur, but it is very important for me that she finally shared with me."

When things get heated, it’s better to take a break and wait a couple of days. During this time, both you and the children will calm down.

“Come here, we need to talk seriously!” - such a proposal, expressed in a solemn tone, will frighten an adult, not to mention a child. If you manage to unobtrusively fit your advice into everyday conversation, the chances of being heard increase several times.

If the issue to be discussed is very important, wait until you are both calm. Children are very sensitive to emotional state adults, and irritation will only prevent you from thinking clearly. When things get heated, it's best to wait a couple of days. During this time, you will calm down and be able to look at the situation objectively. And only after that start discussing what happened.

Discussion

So we have small problems in my child’s understanding of me. It seems like you’re standing and listening to everything, but in the end you realize that you don’t understand or perceive anything!

Comment on the article “How to speak so that your child can hear you?”

Tell your child: 1. I love you. 2. I love you no matter what. 3. I love you even when you are angry with me. 4. I love you even when I'm mad at you. 5. I love you even when you are far from me. My love is always with you. 6. If I could choose any child on Earth, I would still choose you. 7. I love you to the moon, around the stars and back. 8. Thank you. 9. I liked playing with you today. 10. My favorite memory of the day when you and I...

One day you heard your child swearing. Perhaps the swear word came out by accident, or maybe the child deliberately said it in front of you. How did you react? Surely the first reaction was shock, perhaps horror, you got angry and raised a cry: “I wish I never heard such a thing from you!!” Do you hear?! Never!" Let's hope that the child didn't get hit in the mouth, because such a reaction among parents is also not uncommon. How to react to a child's swearing? What to do so that the child...

1. I love you. 2. I love you no matter what. 3. I love you even when you are angry with me. 4. I love you even when I'm mad at you. 5. I love you even when you are far from me. My love is always with you. 6. If I could choose any child on Earth, I would still choose you. 7. I love you to the moon, around the stars and back. 8. Thank you. 9. I liked playing with you today. 10. My favorite memory of the day was when you and I did something together...

Tell your child: 1. I love you. 2. I love you no matter what. 3. I love you even when you are angry with me. 4. I love you even when I'm mad at you. 5. I love you even when you are far from me. My love is always with you. 6. If I could choose any child on Earth, I would still choose you. 7. I love you to the moon, around the stars and back. 8. I liked playing with you today. 9. My favorite memory of the day when you and I...(what you did...

So they take you there based on the results of the Unified State Examination, as they say, they hear it already on September 1st. I heard Fshoki from a friend. About subsequent children and the like From YUKgirl. depressed...(need advice) stressed.

Discussion

Why are you only talking about the pediatrician? What does it matter what qualifications she has if a speech therapist deals with speech issues (and also a defectologist, a neurologist if there are problems, plus consultations with an ophthalmologist and an ENT specialist are needed).
Another question is that parents will most likely send it and they will be right :) You can’t explain it to everyone.
And it will be difficult to correct speech until the parents want to. IMHO. Children get used to it, especially since we are not talking about a baby. To get a competent speech, you must first, at a minimum, consult with specialists and understand what to do. Secondly, constantly remind and correct the child. But the second is usually possible after at least several sessions with a speech therapist, when the child understands what they want.

This is such a delicate moment. If you say that there is something wrong with the child or send him to a doctor, the parents will most likely be hostile. Actually, that's what they do. It’s not because they don’t see the problem, they see it but don’t want to admit it. Because suddenly this is something serious...
What I would do is to convince them that this is not a PROBLEM, but a common everyday matter, problems with speech often occur in normal healthy children, every first person works with a speech therapist, a specially trained person will correct everything to normal within six months or a year and the child will be chatting like Tina Kandelaki and teasing those whose parents did not take them to a speech therapist. I would give examples from life:) Besides, a speech therapist is not a doctor.
The main thing is that they get to a speech therapist and start working with a specialist.

I promise to print it out and learn to TALK to your children! Tell your child: 1. I love you. 2. I love you no matter what. 3. I love you even when you are angry with me. 4. I love you even when I'm angry with you. 5. I love you even when you are far from me. My love is always with you. 6. If I could choose any child on Earth, I would still choose you. 7. I love you to the moon, around the stars and back. 8. Thank you. 9. I liked playing with you today. 10. My...

If you hear him, he may also hear you... My eldest son always tells me that he lacked attention. You see, I’m not just addressing you like this, this has happened to us and has been going on for years, i.e. It’s not like a child suddenly becomes an adult...

Discussion

If the son is “stronger and more agile than me,” then no way.
I can’t imagine this (I’m 17, height 192, but I can’t imagine that if I take something away by force, he won’t give it back by force)

I was alarmed by the “he’s asking for a headache pill.” First, IMHO, this issue needs to be resolved. Unfortunately, many things are determined by physiological conditions. Take me to the doctor, then establish a regimen, then maybe take some medicine. And only then demand some effort, but strictly. I'm completely serious. And make sure that you are in bed by 11 p.m. This is what I would focus on first of all (however, I did just that at one time, the problems did not completely go away, but it made life at least a little easier, especially since I have an asthenic, skinny and pale child, and if you have one Well, then they can’t live without a regime at all).

When I was little, my mother often told friends and acquaintances: “I trust my daughter, she never lies to me! If she said something, then it is so!” I don’t know intentionally or accidentally, but she often said this phrase in my presence. And I was filled with a sense of pride... and responsibility... and I wasn’t lying. I just couldn’t, because my mother TRUSTED me!!! Simple pedagogical technique, but it worked! I still don’t know whether my mother came up with it or read it somewhere. And I always thought that with my...

Discussion

I believe. And I know that she is not lying. Once upon a time, I instilled in her the idea that one must always tell the truth, and I will never punish for telling the truth, no matter what she does.

Some people believe it, others don’t. I believed my son, because... he never lies. The sister believed the older one for the same reason, but she didn’t believe the younger one, because he almost always lies. And not out of fear, but simply a liar by nature and never wanted to learn. If they believed him, it’s scary to think that it would have worked out.

04/14/2012 20:16:32, Why?

I often hear that it is impossible to come to an agreement with a teenager: he doesn’t listen, brushes off advice, or is even rude... But you can come to an agreement, you can! You just need to get the child to talk. Well, he’s lost the habit, or he thinks that you won’t understand him, that you’re not interested in his thoughts; and if you ask, it’s only to find fault and/or give instructions. So how can you have a heart-to-heart talk if your child doesn’t want to talk? To begin with, you should try to catch the right moment. There are times when...

books: How to talk so that children listen, and how to listen so that children talk [link-1] Communicate with your child. They have stronger emotions among themselves. And punishing is useless IMHO. For what? For not hearing you?

The child does not hear. Child-parent relationships. Child psychology. For the child to hear, call by name (as already said) and wait until the child raises his eyes, then speak.

Discussion

You need to approach a child, touch him, and only after he has paid attention to you can you speak. I had exactly the same child, you could scream from afar as much as you wanted, if he was busy with something, it was useless :) apparently, in children, general attention is poorly developed, the child can focus on only one thing.. in general, as far as I know, All parents have gone through the experience of having their children's hearing checked because they simply don't respond :)) and they took me and checked mine myself :))

Check the child’s hearing, and in detail - how he hears at different frequencies. Just so that in the search for educational measures not to miss a medical problem. Actually, in a similar situation, I took my daughter to the doctor, believing within myself that the problem was 100% psychological, but it turned out that she had indolent otitis media, pressure in the ears was unlike anything else, and specific hearing loss. That is, she could almost read lips...

The child whined that I should collect this too, I said that I had already collected most of it, etc.... I left his room. I’ve never heard such extreme phrases from children, but from my mother and husband - a lot :) And I said a lot...

Discussion

You do not stop such statements. I don't understand why strong character equals bad behavior? What does it mean you don't know what to do? Just like with the older one. Or have your morals somehow changed during this time? You can't be rude to mom. Dot. You can't wish your mother to die. Dot. You have to listen to your mom! Exclamation mark.
And here it doesn’t matter at all whether the child’s words offended you or not. And if next time he calls you a fucking name and calls you names, will you also appeal to the fact that you are an honest woman, and he just doesn’t like being forced to do something? Can you even hear yourself? Your child does not have psychological problems. You just spoiled him. If you want to raise a real man, then teach him to take responsibility for his actions. Meanwhile, you have a growing boor and a manipulator who gets his way regardless of the consequences (after all, he got his way - he distracted you from cleaning).

07/10/2018 14:52:05, Epsona

the child clearly heard this phrase somewhere and somehow, perhaps even from you, but in a completely different context - for example, you are talking and adding about something, but I would die... Or, watch TV, they show some pedophile, and you say - yes, I would kill him... The child understands that this is some kind of very terrible threat, this is generally something terrible, this is what they are punishing. So I told you this as a punishment and as a threat, without going into the deep meaning. This is if the child is, in principle, normal and there are no bad genes (such as schizophrenia). If something is noticed, it’s still better to see a psychologist. I know a child who, at the age of 5, shouted “I’ll kill you” to everyone..., and everyone was touched, oh, how lively... as a result, he grew up and killed the grandmother who raised him.

It’s just that there are very few women who left their children to their father... _and what they say to these children during meetings is scary to hear._ Apart from the argument: “I don’t want that and that’s it,” no one heard anything. I would love not to put my daughter in a situation of forced lies, but I don’t know how...

Discussion

happiness to you, and your daughter, and BZ, and your family...
The main thing is for adults to understand themselves, then it is easier for children to adapt to the situation..

01/21/2006 03:03:01, Xxx

Dear ladies! I understand that this news is unlikely to meet with approval and understanding here, but I received yet another proof of the superiority of male logic over female logic;))) My lawyer just came from court (he was about a guardianship decision to change his daughter’s surname) and returned with the news , that the former suspended actions in this direction. And also with information (lawyers have their own connections) that my ex’s husband filed for divorce. Among other reasons, “obstruction of communication with a child from a first marriage” was named, in other words, the cockroaches of my life are versatile;). In general, no matter what you decide on this matter;), I have already taken my carrot from the shelf for the right decision.

01/20/2006 13:38:25, Janek

There is no point in talking at the same time. bilingualism is already a big burden. Come to an agreement with them, tell them that you also think the Tatar language is very important. but you think (read) that languages ​​should be separated. You don’t need to speak 2 languages ​​at the same time, this can confuse the child and even lead to speech delays (this is true). Speak Russian to the child, and let them speak Tatar, but not at the same time. read both books. My opinion is that mothers often overestimate their demands on their children. That is, each age has its own requirements. It is quite unreasonable to ask a two-year-old child to clean up his toys, since after playing he is already very tired, playing is his work. It is also not reasonable to require a 3-4 year old to clean his bed and remember to wash his hands before eating, while this should remain his mother’s concern.
And the requirements should not fall from the ceiling. “You are 5 years old - now you must: first..., second...”
It is necessary to add new requirements and instructions gradually.

I once witnessed such a picture. A mother was feeding her four-year-old child. If I were a child, I would hang myself. She did not give him a moment's rest. “Sit still, don’t fidget, you’ll spill it on yourself, hold your back where you reached with your hands...” This stream of words did not stop. The child was just brilliant, he put an impenetrable wall between himself and his mother and simply did not pay attention to her. What I mean is that your words are worth their weight in gold, and not become a heap of unnecessary rubbish.

At home, it helps to stand in front of the child (turn him to face you) and speak quietly and clearly (without rushing). If a child's gaze is directed at you, the child will almost always hear you.

Discussion

Try addressing your daughter by name first, and only after she pays attention to you, express your request. Regarding the hearing test, I completely agree with Yaroslava. The point is not that the child cannot hear, but that he does not understand your words in a noisy environment. Our son has exactly the same problem - if the environment is noisy or if the child is busy with something very interesting at the moment, he does not respond to the questions of others, as if he does not hear. The doctor explained to me that my son hears everything perfectly, but the brain refuses to process the information because it is currently busy with something else. For example, if my son draws while listening to music, before I address him, I always turn off the music; or as Maria advised, you can come up, touch her on the shoulder, and attract attention. In English, this condition is called auditory processing problems (or disorder, when the matter has gone far and prevents the child from studying, for example), in Russian I don’t know how it is translated, maybe problems with the hearing aid or something like that. A loud voice may sound on the street, the child hears a shout, gets scared and stops; In order to stop at a shout, a child does not need to understand the meaning of what the mother is screaming, it is enough to hear the scream itself. But it seems to me that it is better to teach my daughter to respond to the name; just agree that when mom calls her name (it’s much easier for a child to hear and, most importantly, understand her own name than shouting “stop,” for example), the daughter stops and listens to what mom wanted to say. In the same way, when your daughter calls “mom,” you immediately find out what’s going on.

07/10/2001 23:21:09, Delenn

>>>I think her hearing is fine....
he just doesn’t want to hear, do as I say >>>
It seems to me that you need to think about why she doesn’t want to hear and do. Is it being isolated from you personally or from the external flow of information in general? Important point.
How compatible are you in character and temperament? This also often needs to be taken into account. And we also need to know for sure that our appeals, requests and demands are not “off scale” both in essence and in form. I'm talking about ordinary home situations. It can really be excruciating, repeating itself day after day. It is all the more important to understand the reasons so as not to go in circles with the same problem.
Where it concerns the safety of the child, I agree with all the advice.

Section: Relationships with loved ones (how to tell your first child about pregnancy). I didn’t want to talk until my belly became noticeable, but my son guessed it himself (he’s 3.5), heard the adults’ conversations (although he wasn’t present at them).

Discussion

I told my son (he was 5.5 at the time) when I was already sure that I was pregnant. At first I thought I’d tell him when the belly appeared, but then it somehow happened by itself: he jumped on me and jumped, and I told him: they say, you can’t jump on me now. Well, he was hooked - why and why. I said that we will probably have a baby. So Sonny rushed at me, started hugging me, kissing me - he was happy! And now it’s so touching to take care of me - he helps me put on my shoes, and holds my arm, and strokes my belly, and kisses it... He really wanted a little sister, he was a little sad when the little sister turned out to be a brother, but now he says that the brother- so bro. Still happy. Together with him (and my husband, of course), we look at the pregnancy calendar on mama.ru, read what and how is happening with the mother and the baby (naturally, I dose out the information so that he understands). And I also thought about the fact that anything could happen. If suddenly something happens, you can also explain to a child at that age what happened. By the way, it helps a lot in education - we constantly reminded our son that now I need to be treated with care, otherwise the child might die...

This greatly depends on the age of the child; the younger he is, the later it is necessary to speak, because for a child 4-5 months - whole life. I told mine. that the little one lives in the tummy, she showed in pictures what a brother-sister is, but in my opinion he didn’t really understand, even though he stopped jumping on the tummy. But he is 2y7m.