For a child. They are afraid that now he will certainly be left with psychological trauma. Is it so? The system tells family psychologist and mother of two children Marina Rizvanova.
“The child is to blame, he brought it on”
I would divide all mothers in this aspect into three groups. The first group is those who regularly resort to physical punishment and consider it the norm. Usually they are guided by the attitudes “I won’t grow up normal without a belt”, “They spanked me and that’s all – I’ve become a man”, “You have to keep a tight rein on your son.” Often these are parents who were “raised with a whip,” and now they repeat their experience, considering physical punishment the only effective measure.
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The second category of parents are those who have the opposite attitude: “I was beaten as a child, I was hurt and offended, so I myself will never do that.” Or are these mothers who support a humanistic approach to raising children, they know about negative consequences screaming and physical punishment. Such parents, if they lose their temper, feel a huge sense of guilt, they themselves may burst into tears, apologize to the child, sincerely regret the cry and promise “never to do that again.”
The third category of mothers are those who, in principle, do not approve of physical punishment, but in a fit of anger or because of strong fear (the child unexpectedly ran out onto the road and miraculously did not get hit by a car) they can shout, spank, punish. For them, this is not the norm, as for the first category, but they justify themselves by saying that “the child is to blame, he brought it on,” “they didn’t have the strength to endure it anymore,” and so on.
“Moms themselves know whether their child is vulnerable or not”
Physical punishment certainly cannot be considered the norm. However, they have different effects on different children. The degree of trauma largely depends on the child’s temperament. For example, choleric and melancholic children may react stronger to their mother’s breakdown, remember it for a long time, and harbor a grudge. Sanguine and phlegmatic people are less vulnerable, switch faster, and forget negative experiences. Usually mothers themselves know whether their child is vulnerable or not.
Also, the traumatic nature of an event greatly depends on the context. I know children from dysfunctional families, whom parents raise exclusively with belts and shouting. So, at least they have something. And sometimes a “beloved” and overprotected child, after his mother’s first breakdown, ends up seeing a psychologist because, for example, he began to stutter or developed nocturnal enuresis.
This, of course, does not mean that the child should be spanked periodically for preventive purposes, “to get used to it.” Ideally, violent measures in education should be avoided. And for this to work, you must first figure out where aggression towards such a beloved and long-awaited baby comes from.
“Children act as a lightning rod”
The two most common reasons are rage (anger) and fear. Mothers usually get angry when the child does not obey, again and again does what he was forbidden to do. And fear, or rather fright, arises when there is a threat to his life (the child ran out onto the road, got lost in mall, opened the door to a stranger). The mother has a strong emotional reaction, she screams or treats the child rudely, because “trouble could have happened.”
Such violent emotional reactions in parents often occur against the background of serious mental exhaustion. A happy, balanced parent is able to control himself and still get by without yelling. But let’s say a mother works, takes care of the house and the child, and she has a catastrophic lack of time for herself and for rest. And on social networks she sees completely different scenarios - happy mothers at expensive resorts with ideal figures, angelic children and a billionaire husband... Dissatisfaction with one’s life accumulates and pours out on the child at the moment of peak experiences.
Another common cause of breakdowns is high tension in the family. In such a situation, children act as a “lightning rod”. Often couples who have very tense relationships come to the reception, but they complain not about each other, but about... the child. He “walks on his head,” and “doesn’t listen to anyone,” and “the teachers at school give him comments every day.” In fact, the child unconsciously provokes the parents so that they discharge all the accumulated tension on him. Thus, he essentially saves the family from divorce.
“You can live constantly at a disadvantage, but why?”
If the cause of breakdowns lies in psychological exhaustion, then the first thing you need to answer is the question “What devastates me the most, and what gives me strength?” A woman is usually “filled” with energy when she does something that is important and interesting to her. Even the smallest things help.
I recommend making a list of 100 nice things and doing at least one of them every day. For example, “today I’ll eat my favorite dessert”, “and tomorrow I’ll finally go for a facial massage that I’ve been dreaming of for a long time”, “I’ll go visit a friend this weekend”, “and on Monday a new issue of my favorite magazine will be published”. It’s only at first glance that it seems like you can’t come up with 100 pleasant things. When you start, it turns out that there are actually many more of them.
“Give yourself at least 30 minutes a day”
By the way, it is important for a man to understand how beneficial it is for him to allow a woman to recover psychologically. Believe me, if a woman is happy, then everyone around her is happy, and vice versa.
30 minutes a day devoted only to yourself is a psychological safety technique for mom and an excellent prevention of breakdowns.
Someone “recovers” through kinesthetics - touch, massage, hot baths, aromatherapy and sports. Some people like auditory methods - music, communication, talking on the phone. It is important for visual mothers to contemplate beauty - to go to exhibitions, walk in parks, always see flowers at home, and constantly receive new visual impressions.
In fact, all you need to enter a state of harmony is to “cut off” from yourself what drains you and “connect” to sources of energy and vitality. It is possible to live constantly “in the red”, but why?
"Instead of screaming, blow out the candles"
When you feel on the verge of a breakdown, it is important to be able to stop in time. For example, if you are at home and there is nothing dangerous for the child nearby, you can leave the room for a couple of minutes, and when you calm down, return and calmly explain what made you so angry.
At yoga, my daughter and I learned interesting and very effective method- “blowing out the candles.” When I feel that the situation is heating up, I immediately turn on the game element and say: “Okay, I have 5 cakes and 20 candles. How many do you have?" The daughter gets involved in the game and answers: “I have three cakes and 17 candles.” Then we begin to “blow out” these imaginary candles and with each new cycle of inhalation and exhalation we calm down more and more. The mechanism of this exercise is simple - a quick switch of attention occurs, and counting numbers helps to transfer activity from the emotional zone of the brain to the rational.
“My traffic light is already yellow and will soon turn orange.”
There is another great method associated with imagination, this is the “traffic light”. Agree with your child that before you start getting angry and screaming, you will say the following phrase: “My traffic light is already yellow and will soon turn orange.” Older children understand metaphors well and can appreciate the consequences of a red traffic light.
Julia Gippenreiter and many other psychologists recommend using so-called “I statements,” that is, voicing the emotions that you are experiencing. For example, when I leave for work, my daughter sometimes starts crying and intensely demands attention. Then I say: “I see that you are upset. You wanted to stay with me longer. But it's time for mom to go to work. When I return, we will definitely read your favorite book.”
As if by waving a magic wand, the child calms down and comes to his senses in a matter of minutes. However, it is easier not only for children, but for any person to control emotions when he sees that he is understood, listened to and informed when his wishes will be fulfilled.
“A one-time breakdown will not leave a child traumatized for life.”
If you have lost your temper with a child for the first time, then first calm down yourself, and then bring him to his senses. Hug, explain what made you mad. Agree on how you will handle similar situations in the future.
Children have a fairly adaptive psyche, so there is no need to be afraid that a one-time breakdown will leave the child traumatized for life. It is much more important to analyze the reasons that led to the emotional outburst and work to ensure that this does not happen again in the future.
Tell us if you manage to raise your children without yelling and physical punishment. How do you stay calm in tense situations?
Situations often arise that throw mothers off balance. The child is capricious and does not want to eat porridge, take medicine or sit on the potty. He cries and screams. There are already a lot of worries, and then the child adds problems and is capricious. It is when a child appears in the family that this situation becomes very familiar to us: the mother cannot stand it, she lashes out at the child, screams at him, hits him painfully on the butt, slams her fist on the table. The child gets scared and starts crying even more. Then we feel sorry for the child, blame ourselves, but at the moment of irritation and anger, alas, we give in to the emotions that overwhelm us and break into a scream.
How can we learn to pull ourselves together, what to do if all efforts to control anger and irritation do not produce results, and we throw out negative emotions on the family, is it possible to shout at a child?
No woman wants her baby to think she is an angry fury. And when he grows up, won’t the understanding and trust between him and his mother disappear? It all depends on her. Therefore, the mother must help herself and take control of the situation on her own and as soon as possible. The first step towards this is awareness of the reasons for your anger at your child. Separate what concerns the child himself from what concerns himself.
Fatigue
This is especially true for mothers of children under one year old. If no one helps the mother with the child or this help is minimal, such a burden of worries falls on her that fatigue is inevitable. This problem becomes especially acute if the child is sick. This fatigue is both physical and emotional - mothers of babies almost always eat in fits and starts, sleep little, and even if they sleep, it is “with their brains on” in order to hear the baby’s every breath. This exhausted state inevitably leads to emotional breakdowns, and the object, of course, more often becomes the child, because the mother is almost always alone with him.
Narrowing living space
To mom small child she almost always has to leave aside her interests, work, previous hobbies and habits - all her time and energy goes into one thing - caring for the baby. The first few months this happens by itself, in the wake of maternal instinct. When the child grows up a little, begins to sit up on his own, walks, and refuses to breastfeed, a certain crisis ensues. The child’s obvious need for his mother is no longer there; the mother suddenly realizes how much she misses her own life and is tired of “sitting within four walls,” but in reality she still cannot separate the child from herself and often does not have the opportunity to devote some time to herself. The hardest thing is when there is no one to help with the baby, but sometimes it’s not just that. Many mothers theoretically have the opportunity to leave the child for a while with dad, grandmother, girlfriend and go out somewhere to do their own business, but do not consider themselves entitled (“How can I have fun and leave my baby?”) The choice seems to be conscious, but involuntarily the mother He also sees the reason in the child and risks taking it out on him.
Internal ban on negative emotions
As you know, if you plug the spout of a boiling kettle, it will eventually simply burst. If a mother categorically does not allow herself to get angry and irritated with her child over trifles, this will ultimately end in an emotional breakdown. This happens especially often in families where the baby is long-awaited, the only one. The child did something wrong, this naturally makes the mother angry, but she restrains her emotions and calmly explains to the child what his mistake is. In fact, a child is quite capable of surviving his mother’s anger if it is adequate to the action; it is even necessary for him emotional development. Hurricane negative emotions in response to some little thing that has become a “trigger”, he will really be scared. Not to mention that you can discharge negativity not only in relationships, but also by listening to loud music, tearing paper into small pieces, playing sports - to each his own.
Inflated expectations from the child
One mother talked about how her five-year-old child couldn’t do the homework assignments on his own. early development, and she gets really angry and starts screaming at him. Is the child himself to blame for his mother’s anger here? No. Her high expectations are to blame. A five-year-old child is not able to carry out any tasks on his own or without a reminder from his mother to go to bed - he has not yet developed self-control. Real ideas about the child's capabilities and difficulties are very important.
Doubts about one's own competence
This often happens during age-related crises, when a child, yesterday obedient and calm, suddenly becomes completely out of control. Parents' confusion turns into a feeling of powerlessness, powerlessness into anger and irritation. The subconscious fear “I’m a bad mother” outwardly manifests itself in the more understandable “He’s an enfant terrible!” And until we begin to think about our actions and change them, the anger will not disappear and the child’s behavior will not change.
Personal problems
Low self-esteem, conflictual relationships with one’s own parents, lack of self-acceptance, depression, loss, family conflicts and so on - all these problems do not disappear with the birth of a child, and some of them only get worse. Unresolved problems, deeply hidden pain, always lead to strange, unreasonable from the outside, breakdowns, and often on those closest to us.
Projections
"He treats me just like his father, my ex-husband! - one mother complained about her son. Our anger at a child is often, in fact, anger at his father, at his own parents, at himself...
Having identified the cause of negative emotional reactions towards your child, it will be easier for you to correct your behavior.
Try to organize your life in such a way that you have at least a minimum amount of time for yourself, for your hobbies and favorite activities, as well as just for relaxation. First of all, allow yourself to do this psychologically. Set aside at least 15 minutes a day for yourself. If you have Small child or several children of different ages, it may seem difficult, but find an opportunity to devote 15 minutes a day just to yourself and your favorite activity, be it a hobby, a manicure or a bubble bath. 15 minutes may seem like a very small amount of time, but if used correctly, that little bit of time can give you a lot.Don't neglect these by simple means, such as taking vitamins, natural sedatives and restoratives (valerian, motherwort, beebread) and regular physical exercise. Breakdowns on loved ones, on children - this is nothing more than a voltage surge in the electrical wiring of your body, in many ways this is a purely physical problem, a problem with stability and energy resource nervous system. And this problem needs to be solved from the physical side, from the body. Vitamins, sedatives and restoratives provide the necessary supply of microelements, regular exercise, even 5-minute morning exercises or dousing with cold water, stabilize the state of the nervous system, making it more resistant to changes and sudden stress.
It is important to always remember that bad behavior- This is not always a sign of disobedience, it is also an attempt to attract attention to oneself. The child simply lacks your warmth and care. Therefore, every day it is necessary to show affection and attention to your child. You can come up with some things to do together, even if it’s cleaning the apartment. Even a smile given to your child once again will give him good mood and he will understand that you need him. Tactile contact, hugs, body warmth loved one This is necessary not only for children, but also for adults. If your life lacks this contact with your child and other loved ones, your general irritability and nervousness, and your tendency to conflict increases.
Do not start educational conversations with your child if you feel tired or irritated
Learn to express to your child your negative emotions associated with him in a form that does not cause harm. “How you angered me with this action of yours!”, “I’m terribly tired today, give me five minutes of silence, and then we’ll play” - say this so that the emotions come out, but do not offend or insult the other person, the child.
Take time to analyze your feelings - at what moments they arise most often, in response to what actions of the child, what heats up negative emotions even more. The more you understand about your emotions, the easier it will be for you to manage them. Certainly, important factor in a relationship there is mutual understanding and respect. If you demand respect for yourself, you should treat your child the same way. He is also a person, albeit a minor. You don't need to be educated to understand your child. child psychologist. It is enough to imagine yourself in his place. Think about how he might feel. How does he perceive the world. Try to see things through his eyes. And most likely, much of his behavior will become explainable.
Enlist the support of your loved ones - do not hesitate to talk about your emotions, your fatigue, irritation.
In moments severe irritation you can use the following methods:
Change physical position (sit with the child on the floor, or vice versa, stand up, move to another room);
Start to carefully examine your child, how he looks, how he speaks, his facial expressions, the color and expression of his eyes, his movements, focus all your attention on this;
Eat something while talking or arguing;
Leave the room for 2-3 minutes
You can try to use adrenaline through physical activity. Running a couple of laps around the house is good for your health, and your loved ones don’t suffer. And how will your house shine if you take up a mop and wash the floors in all rooms, learn how to properly iron a shirt and iron all the washed items.
You can also literally wash away the anger from yourself. Moreover, adrenaline is released with sweat, and subsequently it is absorbed back into the skin. Therefore, taking a shower will be very effective.
Many people are helped with the problem of yelling at a child by doing activities in which you express your destructive needs in a hidden form. Tear old sheets into rags, cut up chicken for soup, throw old things out of the house, declutter your closet. All this will give you the opportunity not to keep negative emotions inside yourself, but to use them wisely.
Crack it good old toy, break the cracked, annoying cup. Moreover, such things need to be kept in the house specifically for such situations, and don’t give a damn about bad omens. Peace in the family is more important. The radical way is to hit yourself on the forehead, it’s very sobering.
Curse out loud, but it’s so tasty, like a tavern. Of course, without an audience, but certainly out loud so that you can hear, preferably louder, and tell yourself in detail how tired you are of everything. Mention specific irritants, tell them everything you think about them, and how good it would be if not for their actions. And when you said all this out loud, your first thought was “Could this nonsense come into my head?” Moreover, you instantly cool down and it just becomes funny to you. But for this it is necessary to voice everything proposed above.
If you couldn’t restrain yourself, and you somehow lashed out at your child, even if he was initially to blame, and the whole quarrel occurred because of his objectively bad behavior, still explain to him about your breakdown when you all calm down. Say you were unfair and you are sorry. Sincere apologies will not damage parental authority, but on the contrary, will strengthen it.
Mothers of small children should remember that their psychological condition inextricably with hormonal. Moreover, hormonal processes are striking in their diversity and difference in the pregnant state and after childbirth. If six months have not yet passed since you weaned your child from breastfeeding, then don’t even dream of hormonal and, accordingly, emotional stability. Moreover, even PMS confirms this. It is on such days that women most often decide to divorce, change their hair color, quit their job, etc. Of course, with a small child there is simply no time to thoroughly think through everything and decide on some actions, and after a couple of days the body calms down, and you think that not everything is so bad.
Breakdowns happen. It doesn't mean that you bad parent, it just goes to show that you, like all of us, have something to work on. The condition of a young mother is affected by fatigue, revaluation of values and relationships in the family, as well as many other factors. Most often, the peak moment occurs when the child is 1.5 years old. Then clarity comes, but at least a couple of years must pass before the mother is absolutely happy and calm. Don't wallow in endless feelings of guilt, rather spend that energy on something positive and don't forget to take care of yourself.
Say “I love you” more often. This word is vital for any child. It calms him down and gives him a feeling of security. It unites you with invisible threads. Moreover, there is nothing more beautiful and purer than the love between mother and child. Our children are too defenseless in this world without our support and care. All the daily hustle and bustle is your choice. We create problems and worries for ourselves. And children cannot wait until a couple of hours are allocated for them. They love you around the clock and they need to know that this is not unrequited love. Enjoy your motherhood. You won't even notice how quickly your children grow up. You may have a lot to regret. Try to enjoy the present time. Every day brings something new. Live today as if it were your last. Our children don't live with us very long. Sooner or later they will have to leave their father's house. No matter how much we would like, they cannot live with us forever. Remember this.
Now from personal experience one courageous mother.
“Help me, I’m hitting the child!”... “I’m taking it out on the baby”... Discussions with similar topics appear on parenting forums on the Internet with enviable regularity. Moreover, the woman is immediately labeled as a “bad mother, a sadist.” Or they begin to console her: “It happens to everyone!” Both of them can be understood. For some, such an attitude towards children is absolute savagery, while others themselves are not without sin.
My God, how I envy mothers who are bright on their own! Those who get a lot of pleasure from communicating with their children, know how to manage their emotions, and will never raise their voice or raise a hand against a child. I do not belong to them. And I know firsthand about the “bad mother” complex. Unfortunately, for me it did not arise out of nowhere and did not take the most harmless forms.
On the way to the ideal.
They usually don’t talk about this because it’s embarrassing... I sinned by often raising my voice, or even shouting at the children. The situation reached its peak during my third pregnancy. By the time I realized that I needed to do something about it, my daughters were afraid to step “wrong” again, and the eldest started asking: “Mom, do you love me?” And I felt so scared! Every time I yelled at the children or spanked one of them in my heart, I then cried and asked the girls for forgiveness. Once I had a dream that my eldest daughter had already grown up and reminded me of an incident of undeserved insult. I realized that NO ONE but myself could help me. And she began a long journey of overcoming herself, the path to her ideal Mother. I so wanted to become Good again, Loving mother! It's time to figure yourself out.
I realized that if everything continued in the same spirit, I would lose the trust of my children forever. But, if I talk about this, if I myself understand that this is not normal, then I am not hopeless and there is a chance to fix everything. That's what my husband told me. Why honey kind woman, as all my loved ones knew me, turned into a hysterical, nervous person, reacting to every little thing with tears or screaming? I know. Constant lack of sleep, lack of help from loved ones (husband is at work from morning to evening), household chores that no one has canceled, daughters requiring attention. At the same time, one begins to starve me out, the second shows character, and no amount of persuasion helps... I think many mothers have gone through this. But some people cope with such a crisis with dignity, while others, like me, begin to drown in their emotions. It sucks like a funnel. You realize that you are doing something terrible, but you are unable to stop. You scream, the child gets angry, you scream even more, the child cries, you start crying... a vicious circle. You are being carried into the abyss, and this is really so. Because if you don’t say “STOP!” in time, the worst things can happen. The last straw of my nightmare was a discussion of this topic on the Internet, which I read while my daughters were sleeping during the day. There, current mothers, who are 20-35 years old, told how they were beaten in childhood (both mentally and physically) and what they became after that. Most of them have NOT FORGIVED their parents. Understanding that there is a difference between beating (read: domestic violence) and a slap on the butt or screaming when you didn’t have the strength to restrain yourself did not bring relief. I cried and couldn't stop. Only one thought pierced me: will I really become the same vixen?! My husband, returning home from work, listened to another portion of my suffering and asked: “How can I help you?” I replied: “I could use ANY help now!”
Algorithm for success.
Now about the most important thing. About what helps me become a NORMAL, ADEQUATE person. Perhaps this unique program of action will help someone else.
- Time for yourself. If possible, all available family members should be involved in helping. Use the freed up time to relax, at least sleep extra hour- this is sometimes necessary in order to remain calm.
- The morning should be good. I start every day by hugging and kissing my children. This is the result of a huge mental work. At one time, I was very scared when I felt that I wanted to hide from everyone in a far corner, and my daughter, who came up to hug me, said: “Please don’t touch me, I don’t feel good.” Most likely it was neurosis. I began to fight him.
- Exit negative energy. Instead of taking out negativity on your children, you can hit a pillow, tear up a piece of paper, go into another room and hit the wall. Even if the bones in your hands hurt later, you can immediately understand how painful it can be for a child.
- Limiting factors. For me, this is, first of all, my husband. With him I control myself more often. When he is not at home, and I feel that an “attack” is just around the corner, then... I take the youngest child in my arms. I never raise my voice with him because I'm afraid of scaring him. Walking also helps a lot - I usually manage without breakdowns outside.
- Water. It “washes away” all negative emotions. If possible, you need to go to the shower or take a bath. I usually just start washing the dishes. In this case, even if someone continues their “illegal” actions, I manage to calm down and do not react so sharply.
- Valerian. You can use any other depressant, not contraindicated for breastfeeding. I drink Persen.
- Books on child psychology. You can read, think, analyze, try on yourself, and draw conclusions while the children are sleeping.
- Communication. The parent forum on one of the women's sites helps me a lot. The beauty of virtual communication is that in a forum or in personal correspondence you can discuss things that are not always told even to those closest to you. It turns out something like support groups in difficult situations.
- Help from a specialist. For myself, I put this option aside as a last resort, if nothing else helps.
When my volcano wakes up again, When I scream for the hundredth time, Let my heavy hand Wither away and I die at that very moment. And at that very moment I will take a deep breath. Let it hurt me a hundred times, Like a spell, I repeat one truth: my child is not to blame! When I get scared from my Doubts, I will ask myself seriously: Can I live even a day without them? Without their palms, eyes, flaxen hair? How simple it is to appreciate every day, After all, every day can be your last. We are connected by a thin thread, and no one can break it.
Website materials used: moya-lyalyas.ru, 2mm.ru, verstov.info, sarcoidlife.com
Authors: Irina Anashkina, psychologist at the Center for Medical Prevention, Evgenia Sosnina
Do you yell at your child? Recent psychological studies have shown that 90% of parents raise their voices to the younger generation. Some moms and dads scream all the time because that’s what their parents did.
Moreover, the overwhelming majority admit that it is impossible to yell at a child, but this method of education has already become a habit and it is very, very difficult to give it up.
Today we will tell you what parental intemperance leads to and learn how to stop raising your voice at your children.
What do children do when they hear their parents screaming? They perceive them as a threat, so they either rush into battle (they begin to snap and scream in response), or they withdraw into themselves, thereby trying to emotionally isolate themselves from the traumatic factor.
The problem of yelling at children can be eliminated, but it requires that you sincerely want to change the way you communicate.
Why doesn't screaming work?
This method of parenting is not only emotionally harmful to the child, but is also an ineffective disciplinary strategy. There are several reasons why you should think twice before raising your voice at your baby.
- An endless loop is created. The more parents scream, the worse their children behave, which, in turn, leads to even more frequent scandals. To break this vicious circle, you need to find other measures to influence the baby.
- Children get used to loud voices. Your first shout will most likely really attract children's attention. However, the more often you shout, the faster baby getting used to it.
- Yelling leads to more irritation. If you are already upset with your baby's behavior, yelling will irritate you even more. Raising your voice easily turns mild irritation into outright anger. This may result in child abuse or physical punishment.
- Children adopt a pattern of behavior. For children, parents are role models. It is from adults that the child learns to cope with anger and conflicts. Don't be surprised if very soon your child starts screaming when dealing with peers, brothers and sisters.
- Shouting does not mean teaching. By loudly repeating “Stop doing that,” you are not demonstrating a preferable alternative. It is necessary to teach the child to manage his behavior and regulate his emotions. Only in this case will you begin to interact without scandals.
- Loss of control means loss of respect. Children will not be able to respect those parents who constantly shout and communicate with them in a raised voice. A grown-up child will sooner or later think: “If you can’t control yourself, how can you raise me?” As a result, your teen will be less likely to value your opinion.
And yet, many parents sincerely do not want to yell at their children, but do it out of desperation. If you want to get rid of this bad habit, carefully read the advice of psychologists.
How to stop yelling and getting annoyed with children?
Can't cope with your child and constantly scream?
We hasten to reassure you - you are not alone. However, it is necessary to eradicate this method of education as soon as possible, otherwise there is a risk of raising an insecure or aggressive teenager.
What can parents do?
1. Review age norms
You will feel much better if you realize that a four-year-old simply cannot stand still next to you. It is simply vital for him to jump, run, and spin. You probably won't want to yell at your three-year-old if you remember that he can't yet share his toys with someone else's child.
2. Recognize that you are not all-powerful.
Moms and dads lose their cool for many reasons: fatigue, overload, lack of necessary skills, inability to calm the baby. The list goes on and on. Admit to yourself that you are not a perfect parent, then you will understand that you also have the right to make mistakes. This way you will get rid of the constant feeling of guilt.
3. Find the reason for your screams
In psychology there is such a thing as a trigger. This is an action or object that causes a certain reaction, in our case - parental screams.
When you feel irritated and want to yell at your baby, stop for a minute and ask yourself what the “trigger” was. Perhaps you are having problems at work again, you quarreled with your spouse and are taking your anger out on your child?
4. Leave the room
This is already a concrete step. If you notice that you are gradually losing your composure, the first thing to do is leave the room. It is important to physically stay away from your child, even if you just go to the bathroom. Start counting to ten or twenty, breathe deeply, and as soon as you feel that your anger has subsided, talk to your baby.
5. Channel your energy in a peaceful direction
A similar method of dealing with irritation is often offered to children in therapeutic sessions. Why don't you take it on board? Take out your anger in a socially acceptable way: hit a pillow, kick a ball (by the way, you can do this with your baby), work out at the gym. Some moms calm down when they wash the dishes!
6. Talk to a friend
A heart-to-heart conversation with a loved one often replaces an entire session with a psychotherapist. If you feel like you might take it out on your child, call a relative or friend and share your emotions. You will immediately feel better, and if the person you called is raising children himself, you will be able to learn from someone else’s experience in solving this problem.
7. Ask for help...child
If your baby is already older, arrange for him to interrupt you every time you start yelling at him. This could be something like a pantomime - the child covers his ears with his hands. You can also interrupt the screams with the words: “Mom, you’re yelling at me, but I don’t like it” or “I love you, please talk to me calmly.”
8. Treat situations with humor
If you can’t restrain yourself, at least try not to call your child names. Of course, in a fit of anger, seasoned with irritation and bad mood, it is difficult to refrain from hurtful words.
However, remember that negative labels such as “fool” or “stupid” can lower a child’s self-esteem.
Make up your own “swear words.” For example: “Oh, my little munchkin!” Also, instead of yelling in anger, try making faces or even growling. All in all, the best way out From such situations - the usual humor.
Many adults are excellent at controlling themselves if the situation requires it. For example, they restrain their emotions when talking with their superiors.
However, for some reason we don’t stand on ceremony with children. Perhaps we will try to learn how to constructively resolve conflicts with a child for fear of losing his love and respect, for fear of destroying a trusting parent-child relationship with offensive words.
In her article, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, child and family psychotherapist Vera Nikolaevna Mogileva talks about how parents can cope and learn to control their aggression and anger at their child.
This article is more for those who have already realized that they can show aggression towards their children and want to change this situation, for those who feel discomfort when yelling at a child, who are then ashamed of these actions, who feel guilty about child, but does not know how to change the current situation.
It’s as if something turns on in you in certain situations, you lose control over yourself, the child annoys you... and away we go... But the fact that you are aware of this situation and want to change it, indicates that you are already have taken the path of working with themselves and are ready for changes.
If you are a supporter of the position that hitting a child and screaming is the norm, then this article is not for you.
In an attempt to overcome your aggression towards your child, you have read a lot of books and articles on the Internet. You agree with the authors that this needs to be stopped. But when the situation arises again, the advice from books, as a rule, does not work.
Let me make a reservation right away that my article, like many others, is not a pill that, after taking it, will stop you from being aggressive. Perhaps this is another unsuccessful attempt to help us parents grow up. And perhaps some things will work unexpectedly within you. I hope for the latter.
Why do we get angry at children?
First, let's define what aggression is? This is a certain state that is characterized by a strong emotional impulse. For many, it is difficult to control it and the impulse comes out in a powerful stream; more often on those who are weaker, dependent on us and cannot protect themselves (in our case we are talking about children).
Auto-aggression is possible, that is, aggression directed at oneself. It manifests itself in direct harm to oneself (injury, fall) or indirect ( frequent illnesses, chronic diseases, choice of dangerous professions or hobbies, etc.).
If we consider aggression as a behavioral reaction, then it is one of the forms of insecure behavior.
Most often, a person does not know what he wants, or cannot convey his desire to another person in an adequate form. There is aggression, an attempt to intimidate in order to get what you want.
Aggressive communication model is formed over generations
Secondly, in a state of aggression, a Child is triggered in us, who is not confident in himself and wants to get something through intimidation and blackmail. Everything is as we were taught in childhood - “If you don’t eat, you won’t get candy...”, etc. This is a classic blackmailer's phrase. The problem is that soon the blackmailer will hear the same thing addressed to him from his own child: “If you don’t buy me candy, then I won’t eat.” As they say, what they fought for...
A confident parent is able to accept their child for who they are.
Thus, it is transmitted from generation to generation aggressive model communication with children and the way to get what you want. Our inner insecure Child tries to fight and conflict with our own child, trying to prove to him that I am the boss in the house.
Confident To an adult parent this proof is not required. A confident parent is able to accept his child for who he is, see him as a child and give him support, while adequately setting boundaries and allowing him to be independent.
Uncertain parent-child tries to control everything, put forward a lot of rules and prohibitions, often contradicting each other, and for any attempt to violate them, he is ready to punish to the fullest extent of his internal laws, understandable and known only to him.
In fact, the parent turns out to be the same Child in the sandbox that he strives to establish in children's team own rules. Moreover, they can be established through shouting and scandal, blaming and humiliating another, perhaps even through physical violence.
How to control your aggression?
It is necessary to understand a certain algorithm of actions in a state of aggression. It is important that you have already learned to recognize this condition in yourself. This is the first and most significant step towards change, because... You know what exactly you want to change. Now we need to learn to act. So:
- When a wave of aggression hits you, say this out loud to yourself and your child: “Now I’m angry, I’m furious...” But avoid the phrase “I’m angry at you”; it’s enough to simply describe your state. This will allow you to let off steam and reduce the intensity of emotions. If the emotions do not subside, then say: “Now I am annoyed (irritated). I need to go away and calm down. Then I’ll come back and we’ll talk.” And leave your child before you get back on track.
Such pronunciation, firstly, will not only allow you to release negative emotional steam without harming the child, but, secondly, it will teach the child himself this method of responding in a state of aggression. Soon you will hear from him, when he is dissatisfied with something: “Mom, I’m angry!”
- When you come to your senses and your condition is more adequate, you can return to the child and tell him exactly what you wanted to say. While you're calming down, think about what you really wanted. It often turns out that in our child we begin to resent exactly what is in ourselves and it is so difficult for us to accept it.
- Formulate an appeal to the child that begins with the words: “I offer you...”, “I ask you...”, trying to avoid verbs with the particle NOT, think positively.
- Then you can make this proposal to the child in a calm tone.
It is important to understand that when we have our first child, he triggers in us all the mechanisms and models of communication through which our parents interacted with us. We begin to act “automatically”. No one provides instructions to a newborn with the heading for parents “WHAT and HOW to do with the child.” We are learning to be parents with him.
Thus, with the arrival of a child in our family, our Teacher comes to us, who gives us new chances to grow up and change. He gives us a new OPPORTUNITY.
And it is very important not to miss this opportunity. We learn all our lives, and our children are the most important and wise Teachers.
Useful articles
“Help me, I’m hitting the child!”... “I’m taking it out on the baby”... Discussions with similar topics appear on parenting forums on the Internet with enviable regularity. Moreover, the woman is immediately labeled as a “bad mother, a sadist.” Or they begin to console her: “It happens to everyone!” Both of them can be understood. For some, such an attitude towards children is absolute savagery, while others themselves are not without sin.
Evgenia Sosnina
My God, how I envy mothers who are bright on their own! Those who get a lot of pleasure from communicating with their children, know how to manage their emotions, and will never raise their voice or raise a hand against a child. I do not belong to them. And I know firsthand about the “bad mother” complex. Unfortunately, for me it did not arise out of nowhere and did not take the most harmless forms.
On the way to ideal
They usually don’t talk about this because it’s embarrassing... I sinned by often raising my voice, or even shouting at the children. The situation reached its peak during my third pregnancy. By the time I realized that I needed to do something about it, my daughters were afraid to step “wrong” again, and the eldest began to ask: “Mom, do you love me?” And I felt so scared! Every time I yelled at the children or spanked one of them in my heart, I then cried and asked the girls for forgiveness. Once I had a dream that my eldest daughter had already grown up and reminded me of an incident of undeserved insult. I realized that NO ONE but myself could help me. And she began a long journey of overcoming herself, the path to her ideal Mother. I so wanted to become a Good, Loving mother again!
It's time to figure yourself out
I realized that if everything continued in the same spirit, I would lose the trust of my children forever. But, if I talk about this, if I myself understand that this is not normal, then I am not hopeless and there is a chance to fix everything. That's what my husband told me. Why did the sweet, kind woman, as all my loved ones knew me, turn into a hysterical, nervous person, reacting to every little thing with tears or screaming? I know. Constant lack of sleep, lack of help from loved ones (husband is at work from morning to evening), household chores that no one has canceled, daughters requiring attention. At the same time, one begins to starve me out, the second shows character, and no amount of persuasion helps... I think many mothers have gone through this. But some people cope with such a crisis with dignity, while others, like me, begin to drown in their emotions. It sucks like a funnel. You realize that you are doing something terrible, but you are unable to stop. You scream, the child gets angry, you scream even more, the child cries, you start crying... a vicious circle. You are being carried into the abyss, and this is really so. Because if you don’t say “STOP!” in time, the worst things can happen. The last straw of my nightmare was a discussion of this topic on the Internet, which I read while my daughters were sleeping during the day. There, current mothers, who are 20-35 years old, told how they were beaten in childhood (both mentally and physically) and what they became after that. Most of them have NOT FORGIVED their parents. Understanding that there is a difference between beating (read: domestic violence) and a slap on the butt or screaming when you didn’t have the strength to restrain yourself did not bring relief. I cried and couldn't stop. Only one thought pierced me: will I really become the same vixen?! My husband, returning home from work, listened to the next portion of my suffering and asked: “How can I help you?” I replied: “I could use ANY help now!”
Algorithm for success
Now about the most important thing. About what helps me become a NORMAL, ADEQUATE person. Perhaps this unique program of action will help someone else.
- Time for yourself. If possible, all available family members should be involved in helping. Use the freed up time to relax, at least sleep an extra hour - this is sometimes necessary in order to remain calm.
- The morning should be good. I start every day by hugging and kissing my children. This is the result of enormous spiritual work. At one time, I was very scared when I felt that I wanted to hide from everyone in the far corner, and my daughter, who came up to hug me, said: “Please don’t touch me, I don’t feel good.” Most likely it was neurosis. I began to fight him.
- Release of negative energy. Instead of taking out negativity on your children, you can hit a pillow, tear up a piece of paper, go into another room and hit the wall. Even if the bones in your hands hurt later, you can immediately understand how painful it can be for a child.
- Limiting factors. For me, this is, first of all, my husband. With him I control myself more often. When he is not at home, and I feel that an “attack” is just around the corner, then... I take the youngest child in my arms. I never raise my voice with him because I'm afraid of scaring him. Walking also helps a lot - I usually manage without breakdowns outside.
- Water. It “washes away” all negative emotions. If possible, you need to go to the shower or take a bath. I usually just start washing the dishes. In this case, even if someone continues their “illegal” actions, I manage to calm down and do not react so sharply.
- Valerian. You can use any other sedative that is not contraindicated during breastfeeding. I drink Persen.
- Books on child psychology. You can read, think, analyze, try on yourself, and draw conclusions while the children are sleeping.
- Communication. The parent forum on one of the women's sites helps me a lot. The beauty of virtual communication is that in a forum or in personal correspondence you can discuss things that are not always told even to those closest to you. It turns out something like support groups in difficult situations.
- Help from a specialist. For myself, I put this option aside as a last resort, if nothing else helps.
Sometimes a person needs a shock to realize what is happening. But this will shake one, and the other will go and commit suicide out of despair. In fact, this problem is much more serious and deeper than I tried to imagine. But things got off the ground. Today, for example, I dealt with my irritation. And tomorrow (I believe in it!) I will be able to achieve more. It's important to find something that will help. It is important to understand that your behavior is unacceptable and look for ways to correct it. All mothers who are faced with a similar problem need to remember: they undoubtedly love their children and are capable of becoming Good! As for my personal experience, it resulted in the following verses: When my volcano wakes up again, When I burst out screaming for the hundredth time, Let my heavy hand Wither away, and I die at that very moment. And at that very moment I will take a deep breath. Let it hurt me a hundred times, Like a spell, I repeat one truth: my child is not to blame! When I get scared from my Doubts, I will ask myself seriously: Can I live even a day without them? Without their palms, eyes, flaxen hair? How simple it is to appreciate every day, After all, every day can be your last. We are connected by a thin thread, and no one can break it.
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