There is an opinion that it is easier for guys to survive a breakup with their lover. In reality, everything is absolutely not like that. This impression was formed due to the fact that men do not experience all this as emotionally as women. Gap after long relationship brings a lot of suffering and pain to both women and men. At the same time, the stronger sex is less resistant to such negativity, which is associated with the high susceptibility of its representatives to what is happening. How does a guy behave in a situation when his beloved has left him? What do psychologists advise for a speedy return to life?
Breakup: understanding what happened
According to psychologists, separation is the loss of a relationship for one reason or another, when its further development is impossible. Many people compare it with the loss of life, believing that life has ended and further existence has no meaning.
In order to get rid of such thoughts and escape from the clutches of the past, you need to put everything in its place and take what happened for granted. It’s not for nothing that they say that everything that happens is for the better. It would be useful to understand what happened in more detail and answer a number of questions.
Who is the initiator?
The degree of pain of separation largely depends on who wanted to break off the relationship. If a girl leaves a man, he should not take any actions that he may later regret. He must remain prudent even though it is very offensive to be rejected. Sadness, anger and strong feelings about separation are natural feelings in this situation, and a man must experience them.
The fact that the girl left the guy, and not he abandoned her, greatly hurts his pride. Despite this, a man should not blame everything on his shortcomings. He should always remember his virtues and not act like a victim.
If the decision to separate was made by the guy himself, he should not regret it for a minute. His decision should be firm, since, most likely, there were good reasons for this - something did not suit him in this relationship. A young man should not suffer, adapting to the desires of a woman. At this stage, it is very important for him not to go into depression and to come to his senses as soon as possible.
Why did this happen?
The reasons why boys break up with girls can be divided into 3 categories:
Regardless of the reason for the separation, the man must learn a lesson and avoid repeating this in the future. If the reason for the breakup was circumstances (for example, lovers living in different cities), then they need to be overcome and everything must be done to prevent them from happening again (for example, move in with your chosen one or invite her to live with you).
If a split in the relationship occurred due to the girl’s fault, then next time the man should be more responsible in choosing his chosen one. Quite often, girls exploit their chosen ones, using them as a bag of money. They do not see a man as a person, they simply use him for their own purposes. Therefore, when choosing a life partner, the first thing a man should do is check her for commercialism. There may be other shortcomings in character, behavior and outlook on life that make relationships between specific people impossible.
If the culprit of the breakup was a representative of the stronger sex, then first he needs to soberly assess the situation. In the future he should try to avoid repeating this. It is worth carefully analyzing what happened and your own role in the collapse of the relationship.
How to live further?
How to get over a breakup with a girl and start living again after that? To begin with, a man should do what inspires him most. He needs to restore his internal balance, because almost all his strength and energy are spent on worries. He must set himself the goal of starting new life, in which his ex is not present, he must remember who he was before meeting his beloved, what he dreamed about and what he would like to do. Now is his opportunity to show who he really is.
How a man feels: five stages of accepting what happened
Men, as well as women, go through all stages of separation. Some manage to survive them easier, others have a harder time, but each of them suffers and experiences greatly. Compared to women, men experience less emotions about this, but this does not mean that they do not suffer. Let's look at the main stages of separation in more detail.
Denial: It can still be fixed!
After breaking up with his beloved, a young man cannot believe that they no longer exist. On a subconscious level, he denies the breakup and does not want to believe what happened. The poor guy is trying with all his might to return everything, coming to where his beloved may be, tracking her profile on social networks, and so on.
This period is dangerous because a person is very worried and can withdraw into himself for a very long time: from several months to several years. That is why the support of family and friends is very important at the first stage.
Anger: what does she think she is?!
As soon as the young man realizes what happened, he is overwhelmed by a wave of hatred, anger, pain and jealousy. He begins to get angry at his ex-girlfriend for making him suffer and not giving him the opportunity to fix everything. At this stage, the sufferer is trying in every way to offend his beloved, showering her with threats, telling everyone about her unworthy behavior.
Bargaining: come back, I will forgive everything!
After the passions have subsided, loving man trying in every possible way to win the heart of his beloved again. This stage is also called the stage of bargaining and swing. The abandoned man begins to beg for forgiveness, calling the girl daily and sending her SMS messages. He is trying to find a loophole to her heart in order to reduce the wounds on his own.
The only thing that at this stage supports a man’s desire to live on is hope. She allows him to come out of the darkness and find the only correct way out of the current situation. Quite often, attempts to get together end in a new relationship, but it also happens that a young man cannot break through to the heart of his chosen one, and then the only thing left for him is to start living without his beloved.
Dejection: nothing can be changed
When a man realizes that nothing can be fixed and his beloved will never return to him, the next stage of separation begins. During this period, guys are overwhelmed with sadness and apathy, indifference to the entire world around them. The brain and heart are already tired of fighting, it is useless to look for the guilty, and only emptiness fills the soul. At this stage, a man can lie on the bed for days, studying the ceiling, watch TV for hours, eat stress and drink alcohol.
In some cases, this condition drags on for a long time, and the guys cannot cope with the situation themselves. In this case, a psychologist will help. By this moment, the man is so psychologically exhausted that his psyche itself begins to return to normal: the offense is forgotten, the pain becomes less acute, the world gradually regains its colors.
Acceptance: Well, I’ll move on with my life!
The depressive state is replaced by the understanding that past relationships were wrong and they did not have a single chance to become something stronger and more durable. Gathering all their will into a fist, the guys try to get out of the memories and finally find balance. They are no longer drawn to alcohol, but are drawn to their favorite car, in which it is high time to go to solve their everyday male problems.
Young people are beginning to realize that life goes on and they need to make up for lost time, because they have wasted a lot of time. Something like a reboot occurs in their subconscious, and their heads begin to fill with new plans and ideas. Men have a desire to make them come true, without remembering past failures. New events, new acquaintances slowly enter life, and the desire to live on gains strength.
Often, after realizing and accepting what happened, young men are able to forgive their beloved and let her go forever. This is very good, because any woman has the right to choose how and with whom she will live next.
In order to return to as quickly as possible Everyday life, in which there is no place for pain and suffering, psychologists recommend the following to young people:
- avoid meeting with your ex-darling until you fully realize that the past cannot be returned;
- eliminate possible conflicts with her, especially flirting;
- get rid of all things that remind you of a failed relationship;
- immerse yourself in work (this will help you take your mind off the problem and direct your energy in the right direction);
- take up a favorite hobby, such as sports, because this is a great way to get rid of stress and throw out all the negativity, and even with health benefits);
- start a new relationship (even if it’s short, it will still help you feel attractive again to representatives of the opposite sex);
- spend more time with friends;
- don't forget to take care of yourself;
- live a full life.
Breaking up a relationship almost never brings positive things with it, but is quite a stressful phenomenon. Contrary to popular belief about men's stinginess with emotions and experiences, guys can also regret and suffer over lost love.
Some carefully hide it, displacing negative feelings, others replace them with various activities and hobbies, and others plunge into new relationships. One way or another, parting always leaves a mark on the soul and requires psychological recovery. The question may be spinning in your head: how to survive a breakup with a girl and not lose yourself?
What happens after a breakup?
What are guys thinking?
When a girl initiates a breakup, quite often the guy is confronted with a fact about it. In some situations, male representatives assume that their union is coming to an end and it can no longer be saved. But sometimes such news from a girl hits young man out of the blue, and he is perplexed what to do.
At first after a breakup, a guy’s brain may be overloaded with many questions, such as:
Why did this happen?
What is wrong with me?
Does she have another?
What have I missed in my relationship? What didn’t you notice in time?
Why did I allow myself to be treated like this?
How to survive a breakup with your girlfriend?
These and other questions can torment guys when they were not ready to end the relationship.
Why are feelings repressed?
As a rule, after having to break up, guys sometimes experience conflicting feelings. On the one hand, this is love and immense attraction to the girl, on the other, anger and annoyance that she did this. Sadness and longing for lost relationships and a desire for action (“We need to change something, take action, plan”). The desire to return your beloved is often combined with the desire to take revenge on her. Feelings of guilt and self-flagellation can go hand in hand with resentment towards the girl.
Guys have a hard time going through a breakup also because they almost always set themselves the task of hiding their feelings from others.
The stereotype that men don’t cry puts a lot of pressure on the mind and prevents them from throwing out accumulated emotions. So it turns out that all experiences are “driven” even deeper inside oneself and drowned out by any means.
You can, of course, fall into despair, withdraw into yourself, constantly replay memories of your beloved in your head, write messages to her and call her asking her to come back. But still, most guys try to control themselves and not get depressed. 
The pain of loss is replaced by various activities (immersion in work, communication with friends and staying in noisy companies, turning to hobbies and extreme sports, creating new relationships, etc.)
Of course, everyone chooses their own way of how to survive a breakup with a girl. The goal is to come to your senses as quickly as possible, to recover emotionally and physically in order to be ready for a new relationship. Therefore, destructive ways of overcoming stress (involvement in alcohol, drugs) are excluded.
How to get over a breakup with a girl
Recovery after a breakup involves the following order: accepting the breakup - getting rid of negative emotions - logically analyzing the situation - recovering physically and mentally - preparing for a new relationship. The recommendations below will help you follow this sequence in overcoming the stress of separation.
Right now, I’m sitting reading everything. People under 20-30 years old meet. For example, I am 15 years old. I dated a girl for 13 years (completely normal), although for a long time I thought that something was wrong. One day, on an ordinary day, a friend calls and says, “Let’s go outside with the girls.” But I don’t care, sitting on the computer and reading books is a bastard, and I decided. Just a friend of mine already had a girl, also 13 years old, and they turned out to be sisters. Two sisters are shorter. Well, how can I say, I never even thought about getting to know each other (I thought stupidly, well, I’m 15 and 13 years old, they’ll laugh at school (my friend was already ridiculed)) Okay, okay, so in the 4th we walked the streets from 3-4 days , and in the evening somehow things got better with my friend’s sister, his girlfriend. Sweet, charming, positive (at first glance). I thought we’d just meet for 2 years and go our separate ways (oh, how wrong I was, not thinking about the consequences of what would happen to me) I kind of knew that it would be a long, long time with this girl Serious relationships will not be. I was just wangling. We dated for 1 month; I even managed to meet her mother. Oh, and by the way, she herself wrote to me first - that’s where it all started - correspondence - then festivities. Simply put, I like this girl more and more every time. I liked it better with I know my mother cousin (20 something) I know, even my little cousin, in a word, all her relatives knew about me. So, partially. Each time I liked her more and more... and I know - I can be so a little absent-minded, funny - even sometimes when I tell her something I can’t put words together...... in one word I fell in love. I just got a kick out of her - you know, so small adrenaline rush),... and soon I began to misunderstand her. Firstly, my friend has problems with his girlfriend - due to the fact that they hang out together all the time and he doesn’t seem to have time (it’s understandable - the guy wants to be alone and here is her friend). Secondly, since I’m a 9th grader and I need to enter the 10th grade, I need to prepare.....but I can’t, I fell in love, or rather I can, but it’s constantly replaying in my thoughts. Because of all this turmoil, something wrong began to happen to me, because of a misunderstanding of her, I began to be jealous (she told me back then why you are not jealous of me) - it’s clear why I should be jealous of her - (I didn’t love her then). I started to hear that some guy pinned her down at school when she went out to drink (I’m not a fool, I can see from her that she’s lying to me) and here lies lie after lie. And I can’t stand such people. It’s like there’s a signal in my head to get fed up - like, guy - they’re screwing you..... and you know, I would forgive her for all the lies that she told me, those insults (yes, she didn’t slap her in the face for anything). I stopped understanding her completely and completely because of all this - this hatred for her - anger and jealousy - for everything appeared in me. And all because - She, like her friend (sister), stopped paying attention. No, to hell with him, go for a walk, it doesn’t matter to me, but as long as she called that she went there with her friends (well, to a cafe, for example, or with the boys somewhere, even just to take pictures), it didn’t seem to bother me. As long as I knew what was going on She’s doing well and no one will take her away from me…..she did the opposite - she tried to make me jealous, she lied—(I only realized later that everything she told me was a lie), but I didn’t understand…… soon she began to talk about my selfishness, about my romanticism, that I don’t give gifts....What kind of ***** gifts can there be? I’m just a schoolboy who spends all the money he gives me on himself—no, of course, I myself wanted to give her a gift (I even knew what to give her and her mother for her birthday) all I had to do was save up some money and that’s it...... ..But here’s the preface......by the end of May I start taking exams - my head is spinning - depression - that I won’t pass (thank God I passed everything) well, okay - in those moments I just wanted to be with her, for her to be next to me (you see, I was purely symbolically expecting support from her, but I didn’t get it), to hell with it, I didn’t give a damn about it then, but the fact is that I wanted to spend a large amount of time in the place for only one reason . .she was already leaving for the camp in June... I don’t even know how to explain it - not seeing her for a whole month is torment, I so wanted that those last days when she leaves, we were just together - SIMPLY... but no, she was walking with a friend. She was leaving on the 9th, and on the 9th I took the exam, and then I told her that I couldn’t come on the 8th, because I would be preparing...... Yes Fuck swam there - I can’t help but see her - due to the fact that she didn’t spare time (IT WAS A WHOLE F***ING WEEK TO MEET) - walked with a friend ..... although with this friend she will go to this camp for a whole month she will be with her, but I won’t be......on the 8th it started to rain, or rather, when I went to school to get a certificate of admission to the exam, and it poured, all my clothes got wet and I had to take them off. I should wear something a little old, I found a checkered shirt, a little creepy, will also do, and jeans, not new, also old, so-so—I had to put on different sneakers because the main ones got wet.. I wrote to her on the 8th that let’s meet, she washed her hair then and said she couldn’t go out -since long hair takes a long time to dry and can get sick. To hell with it, I waited for that hair of hers to dry, I even went closer to her house .. to quickly ..... As a result, after waiting for 2 hours on the street, I found a place to hide from the rain, she finally writes that she seemed to have freed herself and I rushed to her—to say that I was in the very at its best he was—no—in a filthy shirt, jeans and sneakers—in addition to all this, he managed to cover her in the mud—well, only her back—because he was RUNNING towards her. Everything is fine, we stood in her entrance for like 1.5 hours, maybe even an hour—I don’t remember exactly. We stood in the entrance - as always, kissed a little (a little) - I really missed this - for a whole fucking month......I felt bad - the thought that she wouldn’t be there made me feel bad - the thought that taking the exam would be even worse , one depression drove me into a corner......I purely symbolically missed her - I missed her hands, her warmth. her femininity, if I may say so. I was just drowning in this mud-shit-depression of melancholy and everything else. Quite seriously......Okay, when she left for the camp, she somehow kept up the conversation for a week and..... that's it, she stopped writing and calling me altogether - asking how I’m doing - I’ve never heard this from her - - I was just bombed by all this - throwing hysterics over SMS) - well, I don’t know what else to call it (I felt like an idiot) in the end I receive the treasured SMS - - it seems we need to break up———and damn I don’t give a fuck about her——-I thought now she’ll cool down, I’ll cool down and everything will go back to normal———But no——-soon I was waiting for her to write—she initiated all this—she she wanted me to be jealous—I was almost perfect. Almost—only one thing got in the way—my lack of money) and I couldn’t buy her even the most banal chocolate bar since I had a balance of 0. Well, I couldn’t……..In those moments emotions got the better of me, and I told her exactly what I didn’t like about her and why she was doing all this, since I’m a straightforward person. And what of all this - she left for a month - after communicating and still maintaining contact from 1.5 weeks - she stopped writing - I’m generally silent about calls. at the end of this camp I wrote to her - I knew when she would be home - and so I wrote - I don’t know why. she started to ignore—and you know, I look at these VK messages—she reads them but doesn’t write them—it’s tearing my soul apart. What am I doing wrong? What are you missing—you just had to tell her your dissatisfaction and that’s all—she didn’t want to .I sat and waited for her to answer, I looked at these painful messages for me, and at one fine moment, I... burst through, I couldn’t believe that everything would end so quickly, I couldn’t even think that I was 13 years old the girl will fuck me up, I didn’t think that she would bring me to the very bottom, I didn’t think at all. It just didn't fit in my head. I cried like a bitch for a week—I couldn’t get enough of this fool. It felt like you had lost a part of yourself—seriously……..What happened in the end:
My friend broke up with that girl - he was in more pain than I was - of course he dated her for six months and poured so much money into her
I also parted with mine, because I’m already sick of it all
The coolest thing is, you know what, I didn’t give a damn about her, her family, in principle, I didn’t give a damn what was going on with my friend. Since it didn’t concern me, I distorted common sense everywhere - absolutely everywhere - I tried to understand everyone’s point of view..
These sisters turned out to be skinny whores in a word. They messed around with handsome guys, if I may say so, and that’s basically it.
I broke up with her for only one reason - when my friend sent me a photo of my girlfriend with hickeys near her chest - and more than one was scattered like a fan...... It just killed me - I was killed by his then story - that when he and his girl were sitting at my girlfriend... and then there was no trace of me, she was kissing her classmate - fuck - I asked her if I was her first. she told me Yes…..I knew everything, I knew absolutely everything. I felt bad that I wasted my time and nerves on all this nonsense….seriously it would be better if I played some kind of horror game in the room or with the boys on rushed across the river... It hurt me because, well, it’s obvious that she’s lying, and I tried to believe her, I tried to believe this nonsense that she told me, and I believed it—it’s like stepping on a rake, you’ll see if you step It will hurt, but no, you take it and step on it...
I broke up with my girlfriend. What to do?
Shock or were there prerequisites?
It seems like a bolt from the blue, the girl who seemed so dear and close, supported and understood, will no longer be around, will not be in your life. And many questions arise... how to continue to live after broke up with his girlfriend? what happened? Why doesn't she love you anymore? What did I do wrong? What could be done?
We urgently need to return everything. I can't just let it go. This will never happen again, it's mine soul mate. Something needs to be done urgently. Exactly. Need to talk. Find out everything. It's probably just a mistake, we were so close. Calls, SMS, gifts, tears, knees, rings... But the girl you love is moving further and further away. She becomes irritable and openly says:
I don't love you, leave me alone, it's all over between us.
Complete frustration sets in. There remains emptiness and confusion. How could this happen? Why is she doing this to me? I definitely did something wrong. After all, we had such a good time, has she really forgotten everything? Or just never loved?
You ask me, how do I know this scenario that happened to you? In fact, you don’t have to be a genius or a prophet to describe something like this - this is a standard development of a situation that often happens to people who have no experience in relationships or do not know how the mechanics of relationships work.
Relationships are a complex process that experts have been studying for many years, trying to understand what happens to us at different stages of the development of these same relationships.
Let's try to figure out what is happening and why such seemingly sincere feelings suddenly disappear, as if they never existed.
How relationships begin and develop.
Every “successful” meeting from which love is born seems to be the result of a chain of miraculous coincidences. It seems that the choice is predetermined by the entire previous course of our lives.
It all starts with a meeting, accidental or intentional. Even then, the mechanics of relationships begin to work and from the first second of our acquaintance, filters are turned on.
What is it filters? Some very strange word, which, at first glance, has nothing to do with relationships. But, nevertheless, this is one of the most important processes that you should pay attention to before trying to build new relationships after what happened. breakup of relationships.
Filters are unconscious attitudes, some of which are ingrained in us from early childhood, and some of which are inherited genetically. We adopt experiences from our childhood, watching our parents or other significant adults how they build relationships. We are given stereotypes about how women and men should behave with each other, what is acceptable and what is not. Moreover, gradually certain images of an ideal person (appearance, internal qualities, features) are formed in us. So if you dumped by the girl or you had to leave on your own and it happened parting with your beloved, then first of all, you need to ask yourself the following questions:
- Where did I make a mistake?
- What to do about it and what to pay attention to?
And after you have found the answers to these questions, think about whether you need to return this relationship or whether it is better to work on the filters and choose a girl of a different type. This is not an easy task, but with the help of specialists it is completely solvable.
So how does partner selection actually happen?
Choosing a partner is a complex multi-stage process, the attitudes of which, as we have already found out, are embedded in us both at the genetic level and are formed from early childhood.
At the first stage there is homogeneity filtration – is detected attractive force a person similar in race, origin, religious and social affiliation.
At the second stage it works filter of value-orientation unity – sympathy arises when values, beliefs, and ideological positions coincide.
At the third stage filtering occurs according to the principle of need and motivation – the coincidence of basic needs is important.
Depending on how, where and when certain values, attitudes, knowledge, abilities, skills were inculcated in us, certain models of choosing a partner are formed.
This is the basis of the beginning of all relationships, no matter who we are. That is, we ourselves initially choose our partners, and this is not just a chain of wonderful coincidences.
After the choice of a partner has occurred, relationships begin to emerge, gradually passing through certain stages of development.
What are the stages of relationship development?
The first stage is falling in love. It is also called the candy-bouquet period. Characterized by short duration and romance. This state is caused not only by an emotional upsurge, but is also supported by a serious surge of neurotransmitters, which significantly affect the perception of reality and brain activity in general.
The duration of this stage usually lasts from 3 months to 1 year. But on average, as a rule, after six months, it ends.
The second stage is satiety. This is an intermediate stage, characterized by a loss of passion and a calm view of the situation in general. The person is still of interest, but is no longer an all-consuming vital interest. This stage is inevitable, otherwise a constant hormonal explosion can lead to exhaustion of the body.
The third stage is rejection. After satiety, when the surge of neurotransmitters has subsided, an understanding of all the advantages and disadvantages of a loved one begins. And here the first pitfalls lurk. After all, we seem to have fallen in love with a person for their merits, but we didn’t notice their flaws, or they early stages They just didn’t seem like anything significant.
It is important to note that this stage occurs more quickly if you do not just date, but live together.
Stage four - tolerance. Tolerance in this context means the ability to calmly perceive circumstances as they are, without trying to exert pressure.
Fifth stage - service. Partners learn to give their love free of charge. This stage is characterized by a feeling of joy from the opportunity to share everything that you have with your loved one.
Stage six - mutual respect. This stage is characterized by the fact that partners respect each other not for any specific act or a certain quality, but in general, in the entire set of traits and as a result of the ups and downs they have experienced together.
Seventh stage – true love. This is no longer the all-consuming feeling that arose at the very beginning, but a deep, measured one. A partner becomes the greatest value.
More detailed description You can easily find these stages on the Internet. But it would be fair to note that the passage of each of this stages depends on many more important features. These features can significantly influence the development and construction of your relationship. And the most important thing is that already at the filtering stage they come into effect.
Few of us think that the appearance of feelings was developed in us evolutionarily in the course of natural selection. The mechanism of fixation on a particular person was effective in terms of survival and gene transmission. Therefore, we already have a certain selection algorithm.
Evolutionarily, it turned out that a girl will choose a strong, independent partner for her future life; she needs this so that she can calmly give birth and raise offspring.
For men, on the contrary, everything is arranged in such a way that they need to spread their genetic material as much as possible. This is not beneficial for women, since raising offspring without the protection and support of a strong male is quite difficult. And men are not completely sure whether any of those to whom he passed on his genes will survive.
Therefore, over time, it became clear that it was better to create cooperation and raise offspring together, but for this it was necessary to do everything in such a way that it would be as beneficial as possible for both men and women.
Naturally, the result is often asymmetrical: one wants it, but the other doesn’t. Since the mechanism was developed evolutionarily and long before the appearance of our species, it does not work on logical level, and the result is given in the form of feelings and emotions. Since we are intelligent beings, we can disassemble the mechanism, understand how it works in order to influence the development of certain processes.
Let's try to understand the diagram you see.
Looking at the diagram, we see that the basis is .
Resource balance (RR)- This basic foundation stable relationships in a couple, between a man and a woman.
The Resource Balance itself rests on two pillars:
· Balance of importance (BS)– this is the equal importance of each partner for each other. The importance of a partner grows in one single case, when increased intimacy with him promises many pleasant emotions.
· Value Balance- a balance between the personal values of each partner and their common dreams and aspirations.
In turn, as we see in the picture, the balance of importance includes three parameters:
- Domination- this is self-confidence. Strength, both physical and moral. Power. Place in the social hierarchy. Mind. Wit, etc.
- Demand– especially among the opposite sex. High opinion of other people about you, respect. Appearance, etc.
- Possession of a Resource is material wealth and the potential to achieve it. Education. Professionalism, etc.
And the balance of value includes:
- Community– interests, hobbies, values, views, mentality;
- Caring– attention, interest, empathy, etc.;
- Integration– becoming an important element in all aspects of a partner’s life.
We do not analyze all these parameters logically, but get a ready-made result in the form of feelings towards to a certain person. But, if at least one of the parameters begins to lag behind in the development of relationships or to advance in one of the partners, then an imbalance begins.
Having examined the mechanics of relationships a little, let's return to our question of what should be done and what should not be done when my beloved girl left.
1. What not to do.
The first and very important thing to understand is that if you are emotionally shaken, then it is better not to do anything. There is no need to try to talk and find out what happened and why. the girl left- this will not lead to positive results. Don't try to persuade the girl to come back, this will only make the situation worse. Pity for a man does not make you want to love him and be with him. Let us remember about Resource Balance; a weak male is not suitable at the genetic level to reproduce and raise strong, viable offspring.
As soon as it happened a break up, accept the situation and leave. No matter how much it hurts. Especially if the initiator of the breakup is not you, but the girl.
2. What to do.
After it happened breaking up with a girl or you abandoned by my beloved young woman start holding a sanitary hour .
Sanitary hour or, as it is also called, Sanchas is a method of information blocking and addiction removal. By turning on the information blockade, a person stops being exposed to external stimuli (in the form of contacts with a former partner, his environment, familiar surroundings with which painful memories are associated, etc.), and by performing distraction techniques (sports, fashion, hobbies), he is freed from internal “anchors” as much as possible.
What should you do during sanitary hour?
1) Make every effort to put your thoughts in order.
Stop blaming yourself for doing something wrong somewhere or not having time to say something. This is all meaningless, the past cannot be changed, it has already happened, and it is not possible to correct it. Self-criticism will not lead to anything good. The past is the past and cannot be changed. It is better to concentrate your attention on planning for the future because this is one of the main projects in life. But it will be useful to accept the situation and try to understand what needs to be done to prevent it from happening again. A good way to do this is to keep a development log. If you have never done anything like this, then you can watch and even ask experts to help you create a development plan.
Remember that your emotional condition- this is, first of all, a changed chemical balance inside your body, under the influence of a strong release of cortisol.
Cortisol is a biologically active glucocorticoid hormone of steroid nature, which is also dubbed the “stress hormone.”
3) Stop communication With ex-girlfriend . Don't agree to remain friends. Stop following her life through social media. Ask your friends and family not to say anything about her. Otherwise, you may be stuck in this state for years, feeding an unfinished gestalt.
Gestalt translated from German means something whole, complete. It is the incomplete gestalt that is the reason that a person’s life is bad and uncomfortable. Therefore, it is better to close these gestalts, to complete them - not to carry the burden of “unfinished relationships” on yourself for the rest of your life.
4) Clean your living space. Conduct an inspection of the house, remove all things related to your ex-girlfriend. Better yet, return things that belong to your ex-girlfriend through friends, and if this is impossible, throw them away. The presence of her things will constantly excite you, and remembering this will rock you emotionally, which will complicate and delay the recovery process.
5) Review your routine. It often happens that deep integration into the life of the girl he loves reaches the point that a person forgets about his hobbies and becomes so immersed in the world of his partner that as soon as she stops being around, everything begins to seem meaningless. Don’t sit at home alone, chat with friends, family, colleagues, or just start going to exhibitions and other events where you can meet people who are interesting to you. Find your favorite activity that you want to do and be completely passionate about. Be sure to establish a sleep schedule, exercise and rest schedule. Also include daily walks fresh air and start eating healthy and regularly.
6) Get busy appearance, change your hairstyle, clothes, be sure to go to the gym. After playing sports, endorphins are produced, which are so necessary at this stage of your life.
7) Start meeting other girls. Learn to flirt and seduce; successful experiences in this direction will have a good effect on your self-esteem, which has suffered after a breakup. But remember that you should not immediately start a new relationship without going through the stages of self-development and disidentification with your ex-girlfriend. As long as your emotional state is unstable, this will not lead to anything good. And most importantly, keep in mind one very important point– new girls should not be worse than the ex. Otherwise, this threatens with additional outbursts of emotional regret for the lost relationship.
This is the main thing that needs to be done during the sanitary hour. I would like to note that this process is not quick, from experience I can say that on average it takes about six months, depending on how much effort you made and how well you followed the rules, the above period may be reduced.
After you have calmed down and you are no longer emotionally shaken, you can begin to think about the need to return your ex-girlfriend; perhaps you consider it optimal to forget the past relationship and move on.
But before you make the final decision whether to return or not, be sure to evaluate how healthy your relationship was. It is possible that separation is the best outcome for such a relationship. Since a relationship with someone who is emotionally unstable can be extremely difficult and psychologically exhausting.
We have already explained above about the filtering stage at the initial stage of choosing a partner. It is important to understand that we ourselves, often having some bugs (errors), choose not very suitable (high-quality) partners for love relationship. So, for example, partners often take away the relationship model from parental family, creating codependent relationships, acting out the child-parent scenario. And also the model of tyrannical-victim relations is often found.
- relationships built on the implementation of deficits - dissatisfied in early age needs.
Tyrannical-victim relationships – relationships built on the implementation of the “tyrant-victim” model.
Healthy Partnerships- in all cases they are built by psychologically mature individuals. Such individuals are able to create their own relationship scenario, based on sincerity and genuine emotional intimacy, without introducing the negative experience of their parents.
Let's look at a few differences healthy relationships and unhealthy (codependent and tyrannically victimized).
Codependent (neurotic) relationships.
In relationships that are built according to the parental scheme, there is often a lack of emotional intimacy; these relationships are built according to pre-distributed roles. One of the most common scenarios in such relationships is the Karpman triangle “persecutor-victim-savior”;
Emotional violence often dominates, including in the form of emotional manipulation of the “monkey from below” type - creating the illusion of consent, the woman/man secretly controls, remaining the winner, but the gain in such a scheme is very doubtful;
Emotional manipulation can be disguised as caring, worrying, and other socially acceptable behavior and may not be easily recognized. Also, a partner, in order to obtain the necessary reaction, to induce certain actions, may demonstrate irritation, anger, frustration and other emotions in order to achieve what he wants.
Conflict situations are accompanied by a feeling of “fogginess”, indicating manipulation and emotional abuse. The predominant style of behavior in conflict situations– resentment and silent ignoring of the partner;
The feeling of safety of one of the partners depends on the presence of the partner, so being late or not doing it on time phone call may cause stress and anxiety. The thought of separation evokes feelings of fear and horror. At the same time, these feelings are not verbalized, since open discussion can cause resentment and alienation of the partner;
The goal of a codependent relationship is to gain support and protection for yourself. A woman is looking for a “daddy”, and a man is looking for a “mommy”, who will take care and solve problems for them.
Tyrannical-victim relationships.
Relationships are built around the desires of one of the partners (the tyrant), who does not hesitate to use various techniques to achieve his goals. The tyrant imagines himself to be perfect and strives to gain complete psychological power over his partner. The victim, as a rule, tries to the last to save the relationship, looking for the reasons for the development of a negative scenario in himself;
In relationships, all types of violence are often present, “emotional swings” often prevail, bouts of tenderness alternate with abuse and accusations of all sins. Due to constant “emotional swings”, the victim has the wrong job emotional sphere, emotions become looped and from the outside such relationships look like passionate love;
Violent relationships destroy a person, creating constant negative emotional background. One of the signs of such a tyrannical-victim relationship is a “stormy passionate romance,” which then ends in a tragic drama;
A tyrannically inclined partner constantly changes the rules of the game, and the victim partner is forced to adapt to his mood. The tyrant uses his victim sexually (at the same time he does not disdain cheating), financially (lives at her expense, registers in an apartment), intellectually (asks for help in business, career or study) and in everyday life. That is, the goal is to completely take over the partner’s resources in order to subsequently deplete him and replace him with a new victim.
Healthy Relationships.
In a healthy relationship, partners' efforts are aimed at maintaining their comfort zone. loved one. There is no violence, personal freedom is valued and the principle of free will is not violated. Not only blows, pushes, etc. are not allowed, but also caresses that are unpleasant to one of the partners;
Trust, honesty and sincerity prevail. Partners share dreams with each other, discuss plans and feelings, there are no types of manipulation. The so-called rapport is built;
Rappor t – establishing a specific contact, including a certain degree of trust or mutual understanding with a person.
Conflicts are not allowed to arise, and if they do occur, they are resolved calmly, by discussing the contradiction that has arisen, taking care of each other’s emotions;
Collaboration and using everyone's strengths rather than idealizing or devaluing is important;
Rules are established that are convenient for everyone, there is always room for compromise and adjustments to the real life situation;
There is no fear for the future fate of the union, at the same time, the likelihood of a breakup does not cause panic, and the breakup itself, if it happens, is experienced without severe trauma and loss of life meaning;
Speed personal development partners is approximately the same. Both parties work on themselves to correct their shortcomings, and accept the other person with his shortcomings (do not try to fix, change or improve him).
The goal of a healthy relationship is to create a strong emotional union based on mutual respect and equality.
Analyze your ended relationship well, taking into account the knowledge you have acquired, before making a final decision on whether to return your ex-girlfriend or not. It is quite possible that you will come to the conclusion that you have repeatedly had destructive relationships where the same mistakes were made, and you are simply going in circles due to the fact that you have incorrectly built internal attitudes (internal bugs).
But if you still decide to return the one who left and the situation is not too neglected by “crooked” independent attempts to return the girl through persuasion, hysterics and rings, then the chance of restoring the relationship is quite high. Especially if you turn to a specialist who has extensive practical experience in returning relationships. Such people are well versed in the mechanisms of relationships and know how to competently build return strategies. It’s good when such a strategy is formed with knowledge of the matter and a cool head. It is necessary to correctly assess the balance of power, the balance of significance at the break point and at the current moment, and start the seduction game again, using various techniques. This should happen easily and unforcedly, bringing pleasure to the participants in the process, while simultaneously disposing of past grievances and misunderstandings. It is quite difficult to do this on your own with little experience.
Of course, it is best not to let the relationship break up at all and, as soon as you have problems, disagreements, misunderstandings and you realize that you can no longer cope and are losing control over the situation, seek help from a specialist who will help analyze the whole picture and explain How to do the right thing so that relationships develop harmoniously.
If you need help getting back, developing and maintaining relationships, you can , get advice and help in solving your problem.
- How to create a topic -
- About our project -
The opinion that it is much easier for a man to get over a breakup with a girl is actually wrong. Many men simply cope less emotionally with such an incident, and also look in every possible way for ways to survive a breakup with a girl. Despite this, breaking up a relationship is always a painful process for those people who have experienced strong feelings.
Not finding options for themselves on what to do if the girl you love leaves you, men give up and lose themselves much more often than women in such situations. These disappointing statistics are confirmed by the observations of psychologists. First of all, to find ways and techniques to survive a breakup, men need to know all the stages of separation in order to go through each stage without losses and psycho-emotional stress.
Psychology calls 5 stages of breaking up a couple’s relationship:
- Negation– at first it’s hard to believe that the relationship no longer exists, but in my soul there is still a glimmer of hope that everything can be returned to normal. The man refuses to accept the fact that the separation will be final.
- Anger– after realizing the situation, the man is overcome by anger and rage, first of all at himself, then at the girl and in general at the whole world.
- Bargain– at this stage, the man makes attempts to regain the relationship, tries to establish contact with his ex-girlfriend, and sets deadlines for restoring the relationship.
- Depression– after the final realization of the irrevocability of the situation, the man is overcome by depression, which lasts differently depending on individual characteristics character of a man.
- New life– depression is replaced by apathy or sadness, and sometimes both states at once, and only after completely accepting the situation will a man be able to build a new life without a girl.
In the end, according to the normal scenario for the development of the situation, a man must accept the state of affairs, take advantage of the advantages and disadvantages for himself, plan further actions in life, and also accept everything that happens as an experience. Due to emotional openness, women experience all the indicated stages of separation much faster and easier, while a man experiences everything within himself, sometimes without even showing it outwardly.
Since most men have a very hard time with breaking up a relationship with a girl, as well as starting a new life, psychologists advise sticking to a few simple rules for quick psycho-emotional recovery.
Do you easily break up with girls?
YesNo
- Abstraction. In order not to look for those to blame for what happened, not to torment yourself with worries and painful experiences, you need to find an exciting thing for yourself, for example, make repairs or go on a long trip. Under no circumstances should you isolate yourself; psychologists advise sharing all your difficulties with close friends.
- Refusal to find the guilty. In any quarrel or scandal that leads to a break in a relationship, both are always to blame, so there is no need to try to shift all the responsibility onto your or her shoulders. Psychoanalysis at the breakup stage can only further stir up emotions and experiences.
- Small joys and pleasures. To cope with negative emotions, they need to be covered with joy and pleasure. To do this, you can visit the theater or cinema, any entertainment establishments with friends.
- Limiting contact with your ex-girlfriend. Any circumstances under which you have to intersect with your ex-lover must be adjusted. IN otherwise meetings will raise everything discomfort out.
- Refusal of any news about your ex-girlfriend. There is no need, under the pretext of worrying about her, to look for the opportunity to obtain information about her. Otherwise, strong feelings will fade away much more slowly, causing pain to the man.
- Accepting the breakup. Only by accepting the need to break up with a girl will a man be able to cope with such a difficult period in life. You need to reassure yourself that both partners have gotten everything they can from this relationship, and there is no future for them.
- Attention to other girls. Despite the presence of feelings and experiences, a man needs to take a closer look at those around him, assessing how many attractive and worthy girls there are around. The man is still young, strong, smart and interesting; after the breakup, new opportunities open up for him.
Expert opinion
Elena Druzhnikova
Sexologist. Expert on family relations. Family psychologist.
A big mistake many men make is starting a new serious relationship after a painful breakup with an ex-lover, believing that they are fighting each other. First, you need to finally go through the pain of parting, get rid of feelings and live emotions towards your ex, enjoy a free life, and only after that look for a new girl.
What to do when you break up with your girlfriend: what to do with yourself?
Traveling experts in the field are ready to share techniques on how to forget a girl after breaking up with her. interpersonal relationships. Most often, new activities and hobbies become effective, for example:
- Sport– if a man exhausts himself in the gym and produces endorphins during training, he will not be afraid of any depression.
- Friends – best helpers V difficult situation are always friends, so after a breakup you need to spend as much time as possible with them.
- Overcoming Fears– with the help of extreme sports and fighting fears, a man will cover up negative emotions with fresh impressions, and also increase his own self-esteem.
- New acquaintances– with the help of flirting and new acquaintances, a man can enjoy the impressions of a free life, expand his horizons and influence his self-esteem.
- New hobbies– so that a man does not have time to worry about how to live further, he needs to be completely occupied with new interests and learning.
- Job change– thanks to search new position You can say goodbye to memories of your past life forever.
- Moving to a different city– this is the best solution for starting a new life, if a man has such an opportunity.
For a man, such a period in life is given primarily to enjoy freedom, new opportunities and prospects. Many people visit psychologists with the requests “I’m thinking about her” or “I’m going crazy without her,” forgetting about themselves. Although during the period of absence of a relationship, you need to take care of yourself and live life to the fullest, engaging in self-development and self-improvement.
What to do if you can't forget?
- getting rid of all things that remind a man of his former passion (photos, her gifts, phone number, etc.);
- distraction from bad thoughts by traveling to another city, visiting new places and establishments;
- enjoying freedom and favorite things;
- avoiding any contact with your ex-girlfriend;
- refusal of further friendship with her;
- preserving in memory not only good memories, but also bad deeds, so as not to idealize your ex-girlfriend;
- meeting new girls and flirting will help increase self-confidence and amuse the hurt male ego.
The most difficult thing to break up with a girl is if the man does not understand the reasons for the breakup. You can call a girl to straight Talk, or you can independently analyze the situation, determining the absence of a future between former partners. Only accepting the situation as a given will help to gradually erase from the memory and heart everything connected with the ex-chosen one.
Is it worth getting back into a relationship if you love a girl?
After a breakup, is it very painful for a man to let go of a girl because he has strong feelings for her? In such situations, not all men are ready to give up and remain inactive. But first of all, you need to understand for yourself whether he needs his ex-girlfriend, why bring her back. There may be several reasons for this:
- fear of meeting new people– a man needs to improve himself, increasing his own self-esteem;
- fear that it won't get any better- as practice shows, new girl always better than the previous one;
- she hurt the ego– with the help of new acquaintances, flirting and relationships, you can restore your self-esteem;
- the man still loves her– any person is capable of surviving the stage of separation, even when loving, time heals;
- several reasons at once– only by improving yourself, developing your capabilities and talents, can you cope with such problems.
Love, addiction, habit- all this passes over time, all that is required from a man is the realization that a relationship with an ex-girlfriend is impossible. It can be returned only if no unforgivable acts occurred between the partners, and there are mutual feelings.
Conclusion
Breaking up with a girl is always a painful and lengthy process if a man has feelings. Despite the fact that suffering and experiences are rarely shown on the outside, inside, representatives of the stronger sex undergo no less difficulties than women. With the help of the above tips, you can go through all 5 stages of breaking up with a girl, find the strength to live again, enjoying freedom.
