Why doesn't he leave his wife? Do men leave their wives for their mistress forever?

Step 1. Sex leaves the family for his mistress. Since the real average number of sexual contacts that satisfy an ordinary person is three to four per week, personal meetings between lovers should occur at least three times a week and should always be accompanied by intimacy. Then the husband gradually ceases to be interested in his wife (even young, beautiful, slender and sexy) as a woman. This works even if the husband had completely normal connections at the time of the “left” connection. intimate relationships with my wife. If marital intimacy was already rare and uninteresting at the start of the betrayal, this completely destroys it. With the death of marital intimacy, the family relationship itself begins to disintegrate like a house of cards from under which the foundation card has been pulled out. The wife, who has accumulated sexual tension, begins to demand that her husband fulfill his marital duty, but sex according to the “under the lash” principle is usually few who accept it. This is how the usual looped circuit arises:

Less sex means more emotional tension in the family.

More emotional stress in the family means less sex.

Then everything goes in a circle, the first follows from the second, the second from the first. As a result of this, even the wife’s thrice heroic efforts to improve the situation with family intimacy rarely succeed.

Step 2. The family loses weekends and holidays. One of the days when lovers meet must be a day off. In this case, the wife becomes even more nervous. Since weekends are traditionally used by all families as an opportunity to visit relatives or friends, the husband’s eternal busyness on weekends leads to the fact that the family begins to lose touch with its traditional social circle. Relatives and friends feel that “something is wrong” in this family. This begins to gradually mentally prepare them for future deterioration of the situation. In addition, a couple without active family time on weekends begins to become frankly bored in communication. Also, due to the eternal busyness of the husband and his mistress on weekends, the family begins to accumulate many unfulfilled household tasks: something is not screwed in, not taken out, not bought or repaired. Because of this, the wife begins to put pressure on her husband, which continues to worsen the psychological atmosphere in the family and paralyzes family intimacy.

Step 3. Formation of the husband’s shadow budget. A married man gradually gets used to the fact that every meeting with his mistress costs something: a cup of coffee, delicious desserts, business lunches, dinners, gifts, flowers and chocolates. The candy-bouquet period, in relation to love relationships, was precisely invented to begin the formation of a separate shadow budget for cheating husbands, an alternative to the family one. Just as a cell in the process of reproduction constantly divides into two, so does the existing family budget due to the husband’s activity on the issue of his future reproduction with another woman, it also begins to divide into two parts. Of course, this automatically leads to a reduction in family expenses, which also causes tension in the relationship with the robbed wife.

If within a year the mistress is not able to achieve two or three stable meetings with a married man and sexual contacts per week (with a day off) and the costs of their communication, their relationship will never be able to develop. In the future, on someone's initiative, they will be curtailed. However, if everything works out for the mistress, this relationship can last for many years. After about a year of such a relationship, a married man gets used to living in such a rhythm, essentially with two women, two houses. However, there is a nuance here:
That is, strengthening the position of the mistress always worsens the position of the wife. Which is quite logical. During a period of stability, every person begins to dream that it will be like this long years, and preferably - all your life. Married men are no exception. Here the main thing for a mistress is still to have iron patience not to scare off such a man and to stay next to him in the same mode for another year or two. The main enemy of the mistress in this case her lack of restraint and haste will appear. If she begins to put pressure on a man too early, he, like a fish that has not had time to swallow the hook deeply, may break loose and leave. If a girl holds out for two or three years, the likelihood of capturing new key heights, which are steps 4-6, increases sharply.

Step 4. Formation of an alternative family nest. Increasingly aware of his moral and intimate dependence on this girl, and not wanting to stop all this “illegal happiness,” the married lover will definitely begin to strengthen the material basis for meetings. And myself. He will rent an apartment for the girl, solve her problem with the hostel, help her buy her own home, and move her to one of her own apartments, if any. She will make repairs where she lives, buy furniture and household appliances. He will give you a fur coat, a trip to the sea or a car. Caring in this case, first of all, about “his beloved self,” the man, nevertheless, is already taking direct steps to create a material basis for his future family. So he already finds himself in a second marriage, although he does not always understand it.

Getting used to the second house is always a blow to the first.

In this case, it is appropriate to answer the question of many wives about why their husbands, usually so stingy, so generously spend a lot of money on their mistress. It's about sex and habit. During his marriage, a man gets used to the idea that all his expenses on a woman are an investment in himself, because everything is in the house! He automatically transfers this behavioral stereotype to his mistress. In addition, since the instinct of reproduction is stronger than the instinct of self-preservation, many husbands simply do not allow the idea that their mistresses can appropriate everything given to them. Hence there are so many deceived and robbed lovers... However, let’s not feel sorry for them: we have to pay for everything with money. Including sex and education. Especially for training.

Life always teaches you for a fee. Sometimes the price to pay is not only property, but life itself.

The successful formation of an alternative family nest always leads to the creation of a second family home for a certain husband. Regardless of who owns it and whose money it is maintained on, he is always very welcome there! It is after a clear definition of a stable place for meetings that such a pleasant situation for a man arises, when a pretty girl always meets him with a smile on her lips, and sees him off with sadness and tears, with all her appearance inviting him to stay forever. If a couple comes to such a situation, it means that the situation becomes much more complicated for the man’s wife. If a couple does not form such a “love nest”, this love affair, with high degree most likely, it will collapse, “dissolve” even without any counter action on the part of the wife.

A lover without her corner is a gift to his wife! Especially if the husband himself is not one of the rich. Most often, the wife will not even know about this relationship, since it will not develop into anything.

Step 5. Entanglement of a married man in a web of lies. Spending a lot of time with his mistress, investing money in her, the husband has to gradually increase the volume of his lies to his wife and children. Since he is forced to deceive them several times a week, and human memory is not unlimited, the husband begins to get confused in his own testimony: where he was, what he did, with whom he communicated. Afraid of accidentally letting it slip, the unfaithful husband tries to communicate less with his wife. Which, increasingly feeling the growing problems in the family, on the contrary, remembers absolutely everything that her husband tells her. Thus, the husband subsequently gives his wife more and more reasons for dissatisfaction with his behavior. Which will subsequently play a role in the showdown when the wife finds out about the betrayal. As a result, the husband himself worsens the moral and psychological climate in his family so much that, in contrast to them, the relationship with his mistress seems to him more and more frank, interesting and positive. Although in fact the relationship with your mistress may always be at the same level or even worsen, it is precisely against the backdrop of a decline family relations They seem to my husband to be on the rise.

Step 6. The man develops a feeling of guilt in front of his mistress, a dulling of the feeling of guilt in front of his family. After the love affair has lasted from a year to three years, a decent, responsible man begins to increasingly feel his personal guilt for robbing his girlfriend of her life time. In saying this, there is an important caveat:

Only very responsible and decent men are willing to create long-term relationships with their mistress.

Other categories of men simply don’t do this! Male consumers generally have no desire to date someone for a long time. Moreover, they do not want to feel indebted to anyone. Yes and smart women Relationships with such selfish men who take more than they give are also unnecessary. Meanwhile, long term relationship Only patient and responsible girls are able to create. Of course, they are not always highly moral, but in any case, they are not fools. So it turns out that only very responsible and decent men who have met equally responsible and patient girls acquire long-term mistresses. Like ocean ships covered in shells, decent men sailing on the sea of ​​life acquire many years of love affairs, the expediency of which is not always clear to them. But it is clear to all their women, both legal and illegal. All this is completely unsurprising and absolutely logical. The fact is that:

Only good husbands– always stable lovers.

After all, it was precisely for these qualities - responsibility, decency and kindness (often even controllability) that their current wives once chose them as their husbands! So if some women were ready to marry these men and strenuously married them to themselves, then the similar zeal in this matter of those other women who start from the starting position of mistresses is completely understandable. For the sake of honesty, it should be admitted that all legal wives can be divided into three categories:

- half defended their future husband from his ex-girlfriends and other competitors (including the one she took from her first wife);

– one third actually seduced him and helped him start for the first time intimate life;

- only another third themselves fell victim to very persistent courtship on the part of their husband.

That is why I affirm a thesis that may at first seem seditious to many:

Married men with long-term mistresses

At their core, they are still responsible and decent.

If anyone disagrees with the use of the concept “decent” in relation to cheating husbands, I will explain. In the broadest sense of the word, the term “decent” cannot be applied to any of the men who have at least once had intimate contact with a woman before marriage, and in our time such people are the absolute majority! From my point of view, as a psychologist, responsible and decent men are those who always strive to do good “for both ours and yours”: to conscientiously fulfill their duties as a husband and father both in the existing family and in front of the mistress for whom From some point in time (as it seems to him) he begins to bear responsibility. Which, in fact, the latter takes full advantage of.

It is precisely based on the clear understanding that husbands without bad habits, who diligently work for the good of the family should not be thrown away and given to everyone who wants to take advantage of them, that the author stubbornly dissuades women who have caught their husbands cheating from making quick decisions regarding divorce. I am convinced:

There is no need to give gifts to those who do not deserve them.

These are no longer gifts, but a shameful tribute.

Now let's return to the original thought.

Admitting one's guilt is admitting one's responsibility.

Admitting responsibility is always a step towards compensation.

The optimal compensation for living without a family is either money,

Or, after all, creating a family with the one you love.

From here, after a year or two or three, every decent married lover realizes with horror that he is stealing best years the life of the one who still connected her life with him, despite the fact that he is married. Moreover, every smart mistress will hammer into the head of her “married man” hundreds of times the idea that before that she would never have thought that she would date a married man, and even fall in love with him... But love is evil, and this married man is too bad he tried to make him fall in love with himself, and therefore took upon himself the required responsibility... Thus, the married man understands that he has very serious obligations to his mistress. And as mentioned above, these people are accustomed to fulfilling their obligations literally at any cost. The saddest thing is - including at the cost of both your own happiness and the happiness of your wife and children. This creates a sad paradox:

In a long-term love affair, the feeling of guilt in front of the mistress, from whom the best years of her life are stolen, is often stronger than the feeling of guilt in front of the wife, who actually gave her husband an even more significant part of her biography.

By the time the mistress (when - delicately and unobtrusively, and sometimes - openly and straightforwardly) tells the married man that the years are passing, it is high time for her to give birth, and the man himself (in his words) is suffering from life with unloved wife, he already deeply feels the loss of connection with his wife. A minimum of intimacy, and a boring one at that. Going out to the cinema and with friends - due to the need to maintain contact. Communication with my wife is only on the topic: what to buy, what to cook, how is the child doing? Moreover, most husbands do not feel any particular guilt for this deterioration, or rather, the formalization of relations with their wives. Moreover, the point is not at all that they have deteriorated and become hardened in soul. Not at all! As the practice of their experiences after divorce shows, with soul and with heartache they're fine. It’s just that during a given period of time there is a certain psychological pattern at work:

For example, a wife with whom he has neither decent sex, nor pleasant leisure, nor plans to spend his retirement by the warm sea. She seems guilty to her husband, although he still remembers the time when everything was fine in the family. Therefore, the husband’s feeling of guilt towards his wife is relieved by pleasant erotic impressions from his girlfriend. But in front of a long-term mistress, with whom it is so pleasant to spend days and nights, a feeling of guilt for the lack of divorce proceedings and new wedding gradually becomes unbearable.

As soon as a married man begins to feel awkward in front of his mistress, as soon as he begins to understand that the time has come to fulfill his vague promises “to be together someday, forever, forever,” he begins to think about the technical side of the process. This is already step number 7.

Step #7. Understanding by a married man that he is at a dead end. My observations show that not only after a year or two, but even after three to five to seven years of living in two families, married men Still, they are in no hurry to divorce their wife. Delay in resolving this issue is always associated with the following ten circumstances, which can be called “first-order factors”:

Ten reasons to delay divorce

– A married man just can’t muster up the courage to tell his wife that he’s leaving her. Moreover, almost always he either still continues to love his wife, or in any case respects her as a person and the mother of his child. He may also experience feelings of jealousy towards his wife, especially at the thought that she might marry someone else.

– A married man experiences a feeling of acute discomfort at the thought that he will lose contact with his own children. Moreover, you also have to explain yourself to them. This is especially difficult if the children are still minors.

– A married man is ashamed in front of his parents and in-laws. Especially if he and his legal wife have a good relationship with them.

– A married man does not have significant financial resources to start a new family life with his mistress: buy another apartment, car, create a business, etc. Or his career and financial status worsened during the betrayal.

– A married man is seriously financially dependent on his wife. The apartment is hers, the car is hers, she has a higher income level, the business also partially belongs to her.

– A married man is generally financially wealthy, but he understands that divorce proceedings will take a lot of time and effort, after which he risks never returning to the existing level of comfort.

– A married man begins to understand that his mistress is not much different from his wife, and the advantages she has do not compensate for this shortcoming.

– The wife or child (or close relatives of the husband and wife) are seriously ill, the news of the approaching divorce can simply worsen their health or even kill them.

– The married man himself is seriously ill.

– The mistress herself is seriously ill or cannot get pregnant.

As you can see, if we are talking about the life of a completely ordinary married man, then a certain number of these factors necessarily take place, which ties him hand and foot. Hence, harshness and decisiveness in the matter of divorce is characteristic only of the following categories of married men:

– alcoholics and drug addicts who make decisions while under the influence of alcohol or drugs;

– rich men who have prepared in advance the financial basis for a beautiful divorce and a new marriage;

– men whose wife is unfaithful, has become an alcoholic and has degenerated, looks bad, has a truly intolerable character, and treats her husband and children extremely poorly;

– men whose wife has broken off contact with her husband due to long-term residence with her parents, constant business trips, studies, advanced training, often going on vacation, for treatment, etc.;

– men whose wife refuses to give birth to another child (or cannot give birth in principle), but his mistress is already pregnant;

– loser men if the mistress is noticeably richer and more successful than his wife.

These factors can be called “second order factors.”

If “second-order factors” are absent, and “first-order factors,” on the contrary, are present, a sane married man, for obvious reasons, delays the moment of taking his step into the unknown. Of course, his mistress doesn't like this very much. She wants to see more activity from her married lover in solving such an important issue for her. Realizing this, the married man begins to voice out loud some semi-specific deadlines for notifying his wife that he is filing for divorce. Type:

“This year my daughter will finish attending kindergarten, go to school and then...”

“In three months my son will receive a passport and then...”

“My daughter will go to university this summer and then...”

“This fall we will finish building the second apartment (house) and then...”

“After the New Year, my income will increase and then...”

Etc., etc. However, most often, married men still do not fulfill their promises, they keep dragging and pulling. It is this moment in time that is the point of bifurcation, the sharpest peak for determining the fate of everything love triangle. If the wife does the right thing and the mistress makes a mistake, the husband will return to the bosom of the family with a feeling of great satisfaction. Moreover, he will cross himself with relief that God has taken him away. If the wife makes a mistake and the mistress does everything right, her chances, although not one hundred percent, will increase noticeably. But, most importantly: as soon as a married man begins to openly delay the practical implementation of the seemingly long-voiced and hard-won decision to divorce, as a rule, two things happen:

– or the husband, morally tired of his double life, begins to make behavioral mistakes that will certainly lead to his wife discovering the affair;

- or a smart lover understands that she will have to rely only on herself in this matter. And either she herself leaves the man, who turned out to be too indecisive, or she herself begins to act so that his wife finds out about her existence. Her move in this direction will be step No. 8.

Step #8. The wife learns that her husband has a long-term mistress. Listing the main mistakes of a mistress, we said that she should not reveal her relationship to his wife too early. However, as soon as love relationship stabilized, lasted more than a year or two, but at the same time it became clear that a man sitting on the hook of a woman’s charms is still scared and painful to leave his family, the mistress is forced to take action. And there are some nuances here.

In this scenario, the wife takes the lion's share of the blame for the destruction of the family, the unfaithful husband turns into the “injured party,” and the mistress has nothing to do with it at all. To get this ideal result for homewreckers, first of all, they need to inform their lover’s wife about their presence. All means are good for this. For example:

– an informative call to the wife, allegedly on behalf of the husband’s work colleague;

– laying out joint photos with a married man on the Internet;

– a lot of calls, SMS in the evening, video or photo recorded or sent to the phone with one’s own participation (especially erotic);

– a persistent requirement to go out to public places (or to various public events) where the couple will clearly be seen;

– provoking a man to have sex in a place and at a time when the lovers can be caught by the wife, other relatives, acquaintances and work colleagues;

- staining a lover with lipstick, showering him with your hair, rubbing his body and face with such various sparkles, which will definitely be noticeable on a man to his wife, leaving “scratches of wild passion” on his back and shoulders, etc.;

– placing a briefcase of incriminating items on a man’s office table, in the interior of a car, in the pockets of his clothes: condoms, combs, bottles of perfume, bracelets, earrings, rings, love notes, photographs, etc.;

- giving him in the form of gifts those various items that will make his wife think (wallets, ties, watches, briefcases, key rings, telephones, diaries, books, cufflinks, souvenirs, etc. Especially with touching inscriptions engraved on them like “To my beloved from N...");

– directly placing a frame with your photograph on his desk in the office;

– accompanying a man from and to work (it is especially effective to give him a ride by car);

– visiting his apartment in the absence of his wife, privacy in the office at lunchtime and in the evening;

- feeding him in such a way at work and during personal evening meetings that when he comes home, the man is physically unable to eat anything his wife has prepared;

– getting to know the man’s children, his parents, relatives, friends.

Etc., etc. In the presence of a task “to detect a connection,” no matter how careful the man is, no matter how he tries to exclude the possibility of his puncture, thanks to the direct or indirect help of his mistress, the wife will still find out everything. After an explosion of emotions occurs in the family, when the angry screams and tears subside, there is even some relief in the man’s soul: “From now on, the wife knows everything! Finally, you can no longer hide and fuss! Lord, no matter how much it hurts me, being discovered is still for the best.” So it’s time for step #9.

Step #9. Moral support for a lover in his conflict with his wife. When everything secret becomes clear, every third husband who cheated on his wife leaves his family home and leaves. Where he goes and why was discussed in the first chapters of the book, so I will not repeat myself. Another approximately 15-20% of husbands are hesitant and may leave home within a few weeks. About half of men stubbornly continue to live at home, even having morally decided to divorce. It is at this time that many people repent of what they have done and try to reconcile with their wife. In that difficult period In life, most mistresses have to morally support men of absolutely all of these categories. Why everyone, and not just those who leave home? Because “will the intrigue go away forever or will it remain?” persists for a long period of time, sometimes up to a year.

The strategy for supporting unfaithful husbands can be different. Some mistresses try to behave in an emphatically noble manner, declaring: “Darling, if your family is so important to you, I can sacrifice myself for this... Leave me and live on as if we had nothing...”. Thus, they avoid responsibility for what is happening and count on the fact that their external readiness for self-sacrifice for the sake of a loved one will give them additional bonuses.

Others artificially inflame their lovers with phrases like: “Do you really deserve to be treated like this?!” How could your wife throw you out the door after you have been a completely worthy husband and father for so many years?! It’s not enough that you have another woman, absolutely everyone has them... I confess: when you complained to me about your wife, I didn’t believe you, I thought that you were deceiving. However, now I really see what a terrible vixen she is! I'm very, very sorry for you. As a man, husband and father, you are worthy better life. To the best of my humble ability, I will try to make your life brighter and kinder!”

Still others, especially girls from among those who criticized the man’s wife long before the discovery of the affair, state with satisfaction: “Well, what I always told you about happened, but you didn’t believe me: you were insulted and kicked out! You'll see, they'll take away the apartment too! And then all your life you will pay her money so that she can roll around like cheese in butter... It was high time to leave her! I tell you the right things, but you always don’t listen to me...”

Whatever the support strategies, their essence is the same: to convince a married man who has experienced severe stress (no matter how many years he prepares for a decisive conversation with his wife, no one is ever fully prepared for this!) that everything that happened was completely not a tragedy! Moreover, a scandal with his wife is just the start of a new family life, which will be much better than the previous one. First of all, because now next to this man there will be much more best girl than before! Therefore, there is no reason for grief or binge drinking, it’s time to act: file for divorce, get married and have new children!

The height of moral support is the lover’s statement of her readiness to accept the man leaving the family: in her own home, her parents’ apartment, rented housing, or even a dormitory. Or rent some shared housing together. Hence, the completion of this stage will be the relocation of the husband who left the family to the “woman of his dreams.”

Step #10. Creating comfortable living conditions for the fugitive husband in his new place of residence that would not be inferior to the conditions of his life in the family. This step is key. No matter how much a man loves his mistress, no matter how sexy, rich or businesslike she is, no matter how much his wife has offended him, no matter how emotional or principled a husband may be - over a period of a week to a year, he still will come to his senses, his level of adequacy will noticeably increase. And the entire final outcome of this invisible to the world struggle of two women for one husband depends on what he sees around him precisely at the moment of clearing his consciousness. Hence, these women are faced with very specific tasks: The priority task of the mistress is to, after discovering infidelity and the man who left the family moves in with her, not to turn into a classic wife for as long as possible, but to behave exactly like a mistress. Until the moment of divorce and the creation of a new marriage, strictly fulfill all the “ten commandments of a successful mistress.” If she takes on the role of a wife too quickly and begins to demand too much from a man who is stressed or depressed, he will definitely break down mentally. It will break even if the mistress becomes pregnant to celebrate. A broken man will either return back to the family, or will not go to any of the women at all, starting a new life, or will cease to satisfy the interests of the mistress herself and she will personally escort the morally worn-out husband back to his wife. Therefore, the transformation of a mistress into a wife should not happen all at once (which will immediately scare a man away from her), but gradually and in a very measured and careful manner.

The wife's priority is to to prove to the husband that his mistress has such obvious defects in her behavior that the husband simply has not yet had time to see and realize, and the wife herself may well rebuild her behavior, turn out to be competitive in comparison with his passion, and also create for her husband comfortable conditions existence. Including moral and psychological ones. The faster the wife achieves this, the faster and longer the husband will return to the family. At the same time, we are not talking about the enraged wife also immediately starting to follow all the ten commandments of her mistress! Although, of course, you will have to take something from there. But the main thing is that in this difficult life situation the wife showed herself to her hesitant or abandoned husband not only as a wife, but also as a woman!

I emphasize: namely, a wife and a woman at the same time! The fact is that most wives who find out that their husband has a serious love affair mistakenly begin to play the role of a deceived and abandoned unfortunate mother. Hence, they either try to bring their husband home at any cost, sinking to the extreme level of humiliation. Or, on the contrary, they are definitely pushing him for divorce, trying to squeeze the maximum amount of material assets and alimony out of her unfaithful husband. Of course, angry wives can be understood, but it is important to see something else: no matter how much a man loves his child, no matter how much his wife plays on it, most often, he understands: his mistress is able to bear him other children! If the wife also commits such gross mistake, as soon as she begins to turn the child/children against the father, she will lose him to a high degree. This is because the role of a wife and woman is noticeably broader than the role of a mother, because the role of a wife automatically includes the role of a sexual woman, the role of a housewife, and the role of a mother. The wife’s narrowing of her status during the period of struggle for her husband to the role of only a mother creates successful starting conditions for such an intelligent mistress, who, to her role of a beloved, sexy and good-looking woman, can gradually add the image of a caring wife-housewife, and then a mother. We'll talk about this later. Now something else is important:

This is the whole main intrigue of the behavior of the wife and mistress in the period after the wife discovered the fact of infidelity on the part of her husband. Whoever behaves as rationally as possible will get a husband. Of course, if this desire does not decrease to zero in the abandoned wife in the process of carrying out this struggle. After all, a noticeably improved wife may well count on best husband! However, this is a completely different story. Which we leave outside the scope of this book, since the author immediately stated his position that the purpose of this book is to equip with the necessary data precisely those wives who strive to reserve the right to dispose of their husbands only for themselves.

You can put a lot of effort into your beauty, comprehend spiritual practices and culinary art, love your spouse madly and one day discover that everything has collapsed - he leaves for another. Some blame their mistress for this, others blame their husbands, others blame themselves. Who is really to blame?

If the husband left for his mistress, then there is a reason for this. Perhaps after some time he will be drawn home and the couple will be reunited again. In order not to step on the same rake twice, a married couple should find the cause of the breakup and try to eliminate it. What could become such?

• Polygamy. Sometimes there is no one to blame. Polygamy is inherent in nature, so it is better to take the information for granted and just wait. In 90% of cases, men return to their families.

• Mystery. By nature, a man is a hunter. To keep him, you need to intrigue him. No wonder there is an expression that a woman must have a mystery. When it is solved, the hunter rushes in search of a new victim. But then he returns to his wife again. This fact does not apply to all males. But there is a certain type for whom such a game represents the essence of a love relationship.
• Strong woman. There are women who do not tolerate sentimentality and are afraid to show weakness even in private. They do not disdain men's work, they decide family problems and earn more than the head of the family. It’s no wonder that the husband leaves for his mistress after some time. After all, no one asked how he sees an ideal marriage. Perhaps he wants to show care, be the main breadwinner and solve everyday problems himself. And then at one point in a man’s life a companion appears who allows him to do this. Although there is also back side: since initiative is not inherent to this type by nature, the role of head of the family will not be fulfilled for long. When the enthusiasm fades, the husband returns to his wife again.
• Life It's no secret that everyday life kills feelings. A series of problems is annoying and often leads to quarrels in marriage. Scandals become the only emotional outburst. The rest remains behind the scenes. It is this “rest” that the spouse finds on the side.
• Extreme. The passion between spouses subsides over the years, and the relationship becomes more like a friendship. She cooks, he looks for novelty and finds it on the side. Although the ending of these love stories is also predictable - usually, after experiencing a dose of extreme sports, the faithful return to their ex-wives.
• Wife's indifference. This is a classic situation: robe, curlers, pots, children. The wife is too lazy to take care of herself and has no time to listen to her husband’s problems. The husband in this situation, as in the previous one, finds consolation in another.

How long will the fight between the ex and the future last?

There are a lot of cases when men return to their family from a new passion. The question is, how long does it take for this to happen? How long should you wait - a year, two, three or more? According to psychologists, serious affairs on the side last about eight months. This is a short period of time, if you remember the theory that love lasts three years. At the same time, it is impossible to answer with certainty how long it will take for your loved one to return home. Everyone has their own situation. For some representatives of the stronger sex, relationships with their mistresses can last ten years. These are the cases when they are in no hurry to make a choice and live in two houses. Marriage here is based only on an unspoken agreement: everyone has their own personal life.

If the husband left for his mistress immediately

Without long hesitation. The situation becomes a little simpler because:

• The period of throwing, and at the same time the suffering of all parties, is reduced.
• The sooner it starts living together new couple, the faster their feelings will be tested by everyday life.
• The man will begin to compare his ex with his new passion and quickly determine whether he feels good in the new conditions.

The optimal period required for the transition from passion to everyday life is one and a half to two years. The period may be shorter, because sometimes the very fact of furtive meetings adds spice. If this was the only meaning of love, exes quickly break up with their mistresses and come back. Here are some more reasons why husbands return to their wives from their mistresses:

• Mental and physical comfort, which was in the previous house and was lost in another.
• Financial situation, which suited the former and does not suit the current companion - she was counting on more.
• Disappeared passion. Perhaps passion was the only reason for the union. When she disappears, the situation reaches a dead end. About such cases they say: “It was a mistake.”
• Epiphany. It turned out that the love was far-fetched, the man just needed a pause to understand how dear his ex-wife was to him.

It is possible that the above will have one underlying reason - a midlife crisis. Many mistakes are made precisely because of a radical revaluation of values. In times of crisis this is very important.

How long a midlife crisis lasts is as difficult to determine as it is to answer how long it will take for your spouse to want to go home. Everyone has their own deadline.

It can be squeezed into a year, or it can stretch out for ten years. It all depends on internal complexes and upbringing. But no matter how long the midlife crisis lasts, outside consolation will not be a salvation from worries. An option is possible when a man breaks off relations with his wife, and then with a new passion, and remains in the status of a bachelor for some time.

Woman's behaviorwho was abandoned: first reaction

The departure of a loved one is stressful, so experiencing negative emotions in the first period is normal. The woman feels humiliated, insulted, hurt and scared because no one needs her. Containing emotions is not a woman’s business, therefore, the sooner they spill out, the sooner you can pull yourself together. The latter is very important for those who intend to bring their spouse home. Yes, you won’t be forced to be nice and no one gives guarantees that he will return, but to accept the news of leaving with dignity is the first step towards reconciliation.

The most important thing is to contain negative emotions at the moment of leaving. Even if the couple never gets back together, the unpleasant feelings from their actions can remain for life.

When the job is done and he has left, you should not look for consolation in food, alcohol or promiscuity. Going to extremes will not make it any easier. Endless phone calls do not bode well either. Requests to return home, accusations and reproaches only humiliate. You definitely can’t save your family from your mistress. Quite the opposite: for your loved one, these actions will become another confirmation that he did the right thing.

How to behave? It’s good if the spouse has long guessed about an affair on the side and had the opportunity to prepare herself for the news of leaving. It’s worse if the news came as a bolt from the blue. In this situation, you can’t pick a reaction; it will spill out intuitively. Although you can stop in time. Ideally, it is better not to start a scandal, not to play out a drama, but, having swallowed the insult, calmly accept the news. And if a woman has the courage to say that she respects her lover’s decision, then the first winning move is automatically credited to the ex’s account. The husband will certainly appreciate his wife’s wisdom, not now, but later, when he wants to return.

Important! Under no circumstances should you sort things out withhusband's new companion! This is always a loss and humiliation of oneself.

Another one important recommendation- do not overdo it in discussions with friends. You shouldn’t let them in on your details. married life and throw mud at your ex. What if after a while he returns home and family life gets better again? Meetings with people who are aware of a family scandal are not very pleasant. You will have to change friends and company.

And yes, the more talk about betrayal, the more the emotional pendulum swings. It will be more difficult to find peace of mind, and the state of resentment will last longer.

What to do when emotions have subsided: trying to understand yourself

When the first reaction has been experienced, instead of replaying the situation over and over again, you need to step back and think about what to do next. It must be remembered that there are only two options: forgive and return, or forget and move on. If the choice fell on the first, then you should seriously think about what exactly makes you return your ex-spouse. After all, feelings tend to mix and in such a situation it is difficult to distinguish where the truth is and where it is a product of anger and resentment. What may guide you when deciding to get your ex back:

• The desire to restore dignity. Trying to take away what is hers, the spouse wants to restore the feeling self-esteem and compensate for the insult. If a reunion occurs, the couple does not live together for long. Life together comes down to reproaches and pressure to feel guilty. Do husbands return to such exes forever? Hardly.
• Revenge on the homewrecker. Perhaps the relationship between the couple collapsed long ago, but the spouses never talked about it. As a result of the breakup, a woman may simply be angry with the one who allegedly broke up their family. But if the man returns, the feeling of victory will last a maximum of a week. Next there will be the same reproaches, feelings of guilt and disgust.
• Children. The most common reason. Parents forget that children are happy when their mom and dad are happy too. Children feel emotions very subtly, so saving a family through deception is not the best way to the right way. If you talk to children on an adult level, they will understand and support any decision of their parents.

What to do if there is a reason true love? After what time can you start trying to get your loved one back? At once. The first rule is not to put pressure, set conditions, not threaten or push decisions. The second is a serious but calm conversation in private. A married couple needs to try to remember all the difficulties and happy moments lived together. It’s good if she makes it clear that the feelings haven’t faded yet and that she’s ready to accept her ex into the family after the betrayal. The conversation will be a test for herself. Suddenly, in the process of communication, it turns out that there are no feelings at all, that this is self-deception. Or it may be that the spouse himself will express doubts about the breakup and hint that all is not lost. His departure may be just a moment of madness.

Women's advice: If the husband decides to return, do not quicklydisclose hugs. At first, it’s better to “think” a little about whether to take it back. After all, he is the culprit of women’s tears and suffering.

What if he doesn't intend to come back?

If a man remains adamant after a conversation, then worry and self-criticism away. These two satellites are the worst solution to the problem. We need to focus on the future and start creating a new life. This is only possible if you once and for all prohibit yourself from scrolling through variations on the theme: will he ever return to me? You only need to focus on yourself: remember your attractiveness, your ability to arouse desire in men.

Begin new stage best from the outside. This is even recommended by psychologists. New hairstyle, a radical change in clothing style, getting rid of extra pounds— these worries can fill your thoughts at first. If there are any things in the house that remind you of a past relationship, you need to get rid of them or put them out of sight. The same goes for the wardrobe.

You need to find the positives in everything. If the husband restrained his former companion in some way, for example, did not let him go out with friends, now is the time to take advantage of the opportunity. It is also worth thinking about what you always wanted to do, but did not have time for it: yoga, dancing, swimming pool, fitness, etc. The more active the pastime, the greater the chance of switching to good things and pushing an unpleasant event into the background.

It’s even better to regard the breakup as an opportunity to analyze your mistakes in family life. Perhaps after some period it will be discovered that the reason for the divorce was not at all what it seemed at first. If a woman finds the courage to admit and work through her mistakes, she will have a better chance of creating a new and more prosperous family.

And perhaps it will happen that after a while the man will be drawn home. They often return to their exes if they give them complete freedom. After all, the more the level of importance of a problem decreases, the faster it resolves itself. And then it’s up to the woman to decide whether to accept her ex into the family after cheating or continue to build a new life with another person.

Our columnist, psychologist and writer Tatyana Salvoni, instead of discussing the topic, simply described a real situation from life.

Photo: LightFieldStudios/iStock/Getty Images Plus

A girl I know is dating a married man. He is good-looking, witty, charismatic and wealthy enough to satisfy a girl's basic needs. But, as you know, the main basic need of a person is not material at all. I want not only carnal love and sweet words, but something more tangible, besides promises to definitely spend the night from Thursday to Friday together. He lies to his wife about a business trip and arrives with a real leather suitcase on wheels to go on a business trip for the whole evening, night and even part of the morning to the girl’s address. All this time he walks around her apartment with a towel on his hips, like Apollo, well, definitely Apollo. Passing by a large mirror in the hallway, he stops and flexes his muscles, pleased with himself. Everything suits him. He likes the way he has cleverly organized his life.

Once upon a time this was enough for her. She lived only from Friday until the following Thursday evening. The rest of the time I waited, anticipated, prepared. I bought new underwear. Perfume with pheromones. I prepared a seven-course dinner. She thought that all her efforts would not go unnoticed and that a man would one day get down on one knee, or simply tell her the great news over a cup of tea: “Darling, now we will always be together, I’m divorced, marry me...”

In her fantasies, she had already come up with a lot of options for him for his solemn speech. And each time, plunging into dreams, these speeches were more and more refined and beautiful. There were no speeches in life. There was a lot of humor in life, good sex, about the same compliments and... nothing! As if that's how it should be! As soon as she even tried to hint that she would now ask the question: “What’s next?”, her beloved seemed to have a presentiment of this and cleverly used some kind of distracting maneuver. Suddenly he asked when she would pay the rent and if she needed help. Of course I need it, oh thank you, you are the best!

Everything was obvious, but not obvious.

Do you love me even a little? - she asked.

Of course, dear! Are words really needed for this? You are the coolest! I just adore you! - he said. - And you me?

Do you need words for this? - she said sarcastically. He laughed and kissed back.

What do you think he thinks of me? - she interrogated her best friend, who had seen them together more than once.

Honestly? - asked a friend. Then she squinted and shot straight into the heart: “He’s using you, living his second youth with you.” And he will never leave his family; everything suits him. Why change anything? Did he promise you anything?

Yes. We are planning to go to Bali together, I don’t know when yet.

Well, this is the maximum you can count on.

You don't see what I see! - the girl was very upset, offended by her friend and... went to a psychologist.

Photo: Wundervisuals/E+/Getty Images

The psychologist said that a mistress is a crutch for the relationship between husband and wife. That in fact he simply fulfills with her those deficits that his wife lacks, and thus he has no complaints against his wife, and everything is smooth and wonderful with them. And it turns out that she serves both him and his wife, and the safety of their marriage. That if it weren't for her, the marriage might have fallen apart. And so she is practically a sister of mercy, investing her energy and youth in someone else’s family, which only becomes stronger and more prosperous. Here's a new twist! The psychologist offered to figure out why the girl needs this, to support someone else’s family, where she got such a scenario from, what are the secondary benefits in her position as a secret lover. But the comparison with a crutch was enough for the girl.

What a fool! - said the girl, leaving the psychologist after the session. I called a friend, just a friend, a former classmate and cried. And she began to complain to him about all the men, all the psychologists and all her girlfriends. A friend suggested we meet. He gave the girl a cappuccino, listened, listened, and then said:

You're just having an existential crisis.

Oh, thank you, I really feel better! - she said ironically. - It would be better if you said what men think about people as terrible as me. Who like married men and believe and hope that love will win. Well, this is really so naive of me, right?

According to statistics, in 95% of cases this is really very naive, said a friend. - But I don’t know what percentage your case is included in.

Here! - the girl was happy. - What if, suddenly our case is included in that very 5% when it is not naive. What if he gets divorced and we end up together?

Well... It seems to me that you should just talk to him frankly.

Eh... The girl sighed. She had already tried so many times just like this, carefully and frankly, and with him, and nothing worked. And fear scratched inside: what if he leaves after this. Suddenly the fairy tale will end. Maybe these are really just illusions. Or maybe it’s better to let it be as it is?

Yes, of course,” she said. - We need to talk to him. You are right. We’ll go to Bali with him and there I’ll choose the most suitable moment...

Our heroine never left for Bali. The man of her dreams fed her breakfast, saved her for the train, and one fine day dotted all the i's.

I'm sorry dear, it was very good with you, but we can't meet anymore. My wife is already seven months pregnant and I have to devote all my time to my family. Sorry.

My friend hasn’t been able to get over this difficult breakup for almost two years now. She tried to take revenge, sort things out, called her wife... But everything was in vain, the deceived woman in this story turned out to be her mistress.

Do men leave their wives for their mistress forever?

Everything happens in this life. They leave just like that. And there are good reasons for this. Someone, after years of marriage, realizes that he can’t stand it anymore, the passion has passed, and there is nothing more... there is no mutual affection, no common interests, and generally different views on life... Someone leaves his wife, because she can’t give birth to a child... Well, there are also just males, excuse the expression, who wanted new sensations. Such people, as a rule, can change women countless times, and if you have money, this is not a problem at all, there will always be a loving one...

It all depends on the man himself. If he is fickle, he will leave his mistress. If he is simply tired of his wife, his feelings have cooled, but everything is fine with his mistress, then he may stay. But! On someone else's misfortune happiness can not be built! Boomerang Law. Everything will return to the mistress.

Of course, it happens that they leave. But more often than not, nothing good comes of it. The ex-wife is trying to either take revenge or get her husband back. With all the consequences, as they say. Why such problems? Isn’t it better to date an unmarried person? And the stress is enormous for children.

Of course, anything can happen in life. Men leave the family, sometimes even forever. It is very sad and difficult to accept when a woman lives with a man until she is forty, and then he leaves her and goes to his young mistress. That is, a woman spent the best years of her life on her husband, and when he left her, no one needs her anymore

They leave, but before doing this they will blow out the brains of both of them! So it is not clear who in such situations is happier in the end: the mistress, or the deceived wife who got rid of such a prince! Which, by the way, in the end, doesn’t matter who to be with, as long as someone picks up, shelters and warms the unfortunate one!

In different ways, after all, this is life, and it is impossible to accurately guess the outcome of events. Some stay with their mistress forever and have children together. Sometimes they return to ex-wife, realizing that they were mistaken and missing the children.

They leave. And they even live wonderfully. One of my friends was dating a man, despite the fact that he didn’t have two children, he had a child. As a result, he left for her, from his young wife and small child. They merried. She treats her children very well and has a son together. They have been together for more than three years, everything is fine. His child often visits them. love reigns there, the children are happy too. So everything happens in this world. If a man and his mistress are connected by more than just sex, if there real love, then he can leave his family and go to his mistress, who will become his wife later.

The triangle of relationships will not lose its relevance: husband, wife, mistress. A favorite plot of romantic works, films and various kinds of manuals. The question is regularly addressed by ladies who are in different sides barricades

What is more important to HIM: feelings or habit?

It is difficult to overestimate the determination of women in the fight for a man. Mistresses try to take you away, wives want to keep you. Luck is more often on the side of the latter - men return. Men rarely listen to feelings. For the sake of their mistresses, they are in no hurry to put their usual life on the line, which has been “tired of for a long time.” What is the reason for strong attachment to home?

From childhood, mothers instill in girls an unchanging truth: falling in love with a married man will not lead to grief, and you will not be taken away from the family. This kind of connection causes public condemnation. But you can’t argue with the well-known axiom “you can’t order your heart.” Until the last moment, the girls do not lose hope that the married man will leave the family.

Below we would like to give 3 true stories about husbands leaving their wives and their subsequent return.

Disappointment in everyday life

Tatyana told her friend that she had fallen head over heels in love with a wonderful man. But a problem emerged: he is married and has a 17-year-old daughter. According to her, “the problem is solvable,” and she is sure that she will be able to take away the married man. Tatyana did not pay attention to her friend’s skeptical attitude, repeating the mistake of thousands of women.

Friends of Dmitry (lover's name) claimed: Tanya's rival did not have the best character, happiness in the family was gone. And the daughter is an adult. Tatyana believed that after 20 years of marriage, love was over. And the wife is much older.

Tatyana was lucky: Dmitry left the family, but the joy did not last long.

6 months after the wedding, I began to worry and suspect the presence of a mistress. Dmitry came home late, the relationship did not change better side. I got used to the idea that a man who has cheated once will continue to cheat.

But she turned out to be a rival ex-wife. Dmitry explained that his wife and daughter need help with household chores, they are not strangers. Tatyana calmed down - the reason was “forgivable.” Over time, the relationship changed for the worse.

And one day Dmitry admitted that he couldn’t stand it without his home and family. Tatyana got angry and screamingly offered to return to her ex, repeating in her heart “she’s not going anywhere.” What happened surprised and upset: the lover packed up and left.

Subsequently, he justified himself - Tatyana is better... but his wife, like a sister and mother, cannot be erased from life. The main thing is that I got used to home-cooked food and evening tea with lemon.

Mistresses are sure that the main task is to take a man away from his old family and create a new one. But it's not that simple. Practice shows: it is harder to keep someone else’s husband close. According to statistics, 70 men out of 100 who leave their families return. Everyday changes are scary. At first they are held by passion. Passion diminishes, and an irrepressible longing for the former home awakens.

No matter how much effort the mistress puts in, she will remain second and will not create similar living conditions: a different person, with different foundations and habits. Let new wife better than your ex, but you won’t be able to provide similar comfort. Household habits are the main reason why men return to their families.

Pregnancy manipulation

Alexey met a young girl at the age of 28 beautiful girl 19 years old named Svetlana. He was in a civil marriage with a woman of the same age. But, according to him, there was no extraterrestrial love. And it was not possible to have a child.

A week after they met, Svetlana and Alexei began a wild romance. The salary was small, but he gave his new lover expensive gifts and gorgeous flowers. In the end, he promised to soon confess to his common-law wife.

After a year, recognition did not take place. Alexey found a bunch of excuses. This forced Svetlana to take extreme measures. Stopped taking it birth control pills. And, naturally, after some time she informed her beloved about the pregnancy.

Not for a second did I lose confidence in Alexei’s joyful reaction - he dreamed of a child. But it turned out the other way around. He promised that he would help, but he would not leave his common-law wife and would not make her unhappy.

Only 5% of men are able to leave the family. The stronger sex shares the concepts of “love” and “marriage”. Women do not share. Loving woman becomes everything - wife, lover, and best friend. For men, “Love” means intimacy and entertainment, not life together. Marriage is everyday life, familiar and ordinary. They don’t consider it necessary to get a divorce for the sake of new love and break the existing way of life.

A man's habit is much stronger than love. They always tell their mistresses that they will “leave forever,” but more often than not they lie. But Svetlana made a mistake. Practice shows: men do not leave their families for children on the side, but are capable of fulfilling fatherly responsibilities in an exemplary manner.

Possessive instinct

Victor got married early, at the age of 20, and not according to Great love. The beloved married someone else, and the “comforting” girl unexpectedly became pregnant. The young people got married and twins were born. At a meeting of classmates I met my previous love, Irina. By that time, twice divorced.

Of course, the old feelings flared up. We started dating. His wife Yulia guessed, but at first she preferred not to pay attention. As a result, Irina insisted on divorce and moving. Victor did just that. Surprisingly, the current wife did not resist.

I went to my previous house to talk to my beloved children and help. One day I came across a stranger who sympathized with his ex-wife. And feelings came into play and he scolded his ex-wife. But I heard the expected answer. Yulia reminded me that he left, abandoned her.

To the surprise of both parties, Victor told Irina that he agreed to remain exclusively a lover and was returning to the family.

No matter how prosaic it may be, men have a sense of ownership in their blood. They have every right to have mistresses, but former halves should not even think about new relationships. It often happens that husbands return to ex-spouses upon learning of the existence of an outsider.

The stronger sex has different requirements for a wife and a mistress; the former must remain faithful, and the mistress must remain beautiful.

Some advice for wives:

1. According to experts, the man will leave to another only if there is a long-standing discord in the family, and if a new hobby is just an excuse. He is unlikely to leave you until the situation is completely neglected.
2. It is useful to force the husband to spend a lot of time on his family, then he will not have the energy to go to his mistress. He will stay with you, it’s more familiar.
3. And you shouldn’t make a man hysterical. It is better to provide comfort, and he will change his mind.
4. Men's attraction to property can play into your hands - cause jealousy.

Tips for lovers:

1. If a year has already passed and he still hasn’t broken up with his wife, then he’s unlikely to make the decision at all.
2. Don't rely on promises, pay attention to actions.
3. Tell him that you no longer want to remain as a mistress. He will fulfill the condition, considering you dear person. If not, decide for yourself.
4. You are hardly the only exception. Take it as a temporary solution.